I know it's kind of long, but I really need feedback and don't really have anyone else to turn to. Thanks!

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We get along on every level, have similar interests, goals, humor, personalities, etc. Unfortunately, we differ in religion. Although we both knew going into the relationship that we were different in that aspect, we did the best we could to make the best of our situation. In retrospect, we did. We never really fought; if anything, we had amazing chemistry. Despite how we connected on every level though, I ended it about a month ago due to strict opposition from both ends of our families. It got to the point where it was consuming me and I just couldn’t bear getting so much heat for it. Prior to breaking up, he told me that he “has hope” that we were going to work it out. But now, I’m questioning his sincerity in that (I’ll get to that in a second).

Anyway, the day I broke up with him, we came to an agreement that I had to do my best to make it work (i.e convince my family), and that he would do the same so we can continue being together. We were "broken up but not." Sadly, my family would not budge. I told him to speak to someone from my religion to see if there were any possibilities of it ever working out (or just to get some clarity on the situation) and he said that he would because it’s “worth it.”

We continued seeing each other and it was as though we hadn’t really broken up; it didn’t change how we felt about each other. However, I had to stop seeing him or responding to his calls because it started to generate ambiguity. For instance, going in for a hug or a kiss was awkward because we “weren’t a couple anymore.” However, he would eventually do so and things would get back to normal. We would hang out and have a wonderful time together. He would call me “baby” (in person and in voicemails) or be affectionate, yet then change gears and remind me that “it’s over.”

I felt as though stepping back was the best decision I made, however, it again made things even more confusing. We emailed each other a few times and on Monday he called me. I missed his call but walked over to his work (bc he works close) to drop off some food. Mind you, this was the first time I had seen him in 2 weeks and the attraction between us had only intensified:

He told me to finish my work with him and I agreed. He had his laptop open and I noticed that he had it opened up to my email. He saw that I noticed it, and I guess out of pride he was like “yea, I was getting ready to write you back.” Deep down, I know he was re-reading my email and had no intention of writing me back. Afterwards, we were catching up and I could read it in his eyes that he was really happy to see me. The way he looked at me, the way he talked to me, the way he was around me only pointed to the fact that he was not over it. He talked my ear off forever about his basketball team and other things that we would always talk about; and at one point he opened up his bank transaction which threw me off because that’s his personal business. Anyway, I went on doing my work and not really paying much attention to him and out of nowhere, he drew me near him and kissed me. He did it a few times and kept holding my hand and was reluctant to let me go. Needless to say, we had a wonderful time together laughing hard/catching up or what not, and again, I felt like we were still together.

When he went to drop me off, he asked me if he could take me out to dinner for my birthday (which is a month away) and I said that he could. I then asked him if we were officially over and he responds with “yea it’s over.” I was flaming in the inside because his actions are NOT indicative of the words that came out of his mouth. He said that he still had to talk to someone and that “there’s hope between us” but doesn’t “have the confidence to do so.” I had to get out of his truck because we were holding up traffic and we left off again in a weird disposition and haven’t spoken since. Well he left me a voicemail apologizing for rushing me out of his truck and I have not gotten back to him.
I know for a fact that he likes me a lot. And it’s not just a physical relationship between us (we haven’t slept together). Although I’m going onto 23 and he’s going on to 25, he was my first kiss. He was floored when he found out, because not to sound arrogant, I’m fairly attractive and outgoing and have a lot of other positive credentials. It was weird to him (and many other people) that I had never been with anyone before. Plus he had been in many relationships where he would get cheated on, so this one was promising to him.

Regardless, what should I do about this situation? Moving on is quite absurd because it’s almost insulting for us to only be “friends.” It will never be a friendship between us and giving up right now is rather pathetic. I feel as though he’s listening to what his friends are saying and is doing what he needs to do as opposed to what he wants to do, as am I.

Can I ask which two religions you are?
And how old are you?

The red flags here,to me,are that he doesn't seem to be in a hurry to'speak to' somebody and your parents won't,as you put it,budge.
Plus is he really interested in trying to sort this out?

So you are left with no proper change for the better .
How much longer are you going to live in,as I see it, false hope?


.

RollTide - this is one of those situations where you have to force his hand to either declare his intention to be in a relationship with you and progress towards a commitment or go his own way. You are right, it's absurd to think that given the investment of time and emotion you've already made to each other than you can revert to being just friends and nothing else... that kind of thing cannot be done.

I think because you are the one that seems to be the more deeply affected person, it may mean that you are realizing what your own needs are. You are coming to grips with what you want out of a relationship and what you are not willing to compromise on. However, it also seems that you are not really free at this point in your life to make this kind of relationship decision yourself since your parents have a strong say in who you end up with. Perhaps they are seeing something negative in this relationship that you are not seeing... they say love is blind, you know.

As I see it, you have two issues. One is with your parents (which may not be an issue as much as it is a frustration on your part... do you trust the wisdom of your parents to prevent you from being with someone they feel is wrong for you?) and the other is with your boyfriend's mixed signals which you are understandably irritated with.

So, you have two decisions to make. Do you continue to allow your parents to play this kind of role in your relationship decision-making out of fear or out of trust? Secondly, if you are free to make whatever decision you want and will respectfully decline the input of your parents, will you allow your boyfriend to vascillate with what he wants or will you give him an ultimatum?

Those are the issues as I really see them. Please let me know if you think otherwise and what your thoughts are about the things I've mentioned.

Islam and Catholicism and I'm turning 23. Why is he not in a hurry? I think his friends are influencing him and telling him to move on and perhaps he's considering that now.

If that is your gut instinct,it's probably trying to tell you something.

If he was really willing to try to sort this out,he would be attempting to do so.

Jakester- my parents aren't going to dictate who I end up with necessarily, but I still respect their decision. I don't really have any other family ties so obviously I can't really just ignore their input. The only thing they would want is for us to be on the same page in religion.

Jakester- my parents aren't going to dictate who I end up with necessarily, but I still respect their decision. I don't really have any other family ties so obviously I can't really just ignore their input. The only thing they would want is for us to be on the same page in religion.

Roll - I understand what you are saying. Let me bring you back to what you said earlier: "Despite how we connected on every level though, I ended it about a month ago due to strict opposition from both ends of our families." You said that you ended it due to strict opposition from both ends of our families. Roll, if the situation was just as simple as you like him and he likes you and you are both unsure of each other's intentions, then I think it would be clearer what the issues were. But my friend, just based on the words you used to describe your situation, it seems like you intentionally walked away from the relationship because your parents did not approve.

All that I am saying is that I think that you have to be a little clearer on where you are at with both your own decision to see where this relationship goes and where your parents fit into this decision.

Sister, do you understand what I am saying? Believe me, I understand that when it comes to love and emotion, this stuff can get really complicated and messy. But I'm thinking that your issue isn't just solely with your boyfriend... you also have an issue with your parents. I'm not taking a stance against them or anything but I am wondering if at some level you aren't frustrated with them, too, because their decision is so important to you and seemed to guide your decision to walk away before.

Maybe I'm talking out of my neck, IDK. Does anybody see that at all?

No I understand where you're coming from, and that's probably how he feels about it as well. He probably thinks that I was the one who called it off and am now expecting him to do do all the work to mend things. Without question, that's unfair.

Of course I am frustrated with my parents about it for I don't think it's fair at all. But you have to understand that getting heat for a year everyday from the only people you have in your life will interfere with your decisions. It's a lot easier said than done to just make my own decision and decline their input, while they work long hours to cover my expenses so that I do well in school for a promising future.

The only possible way in which I will respectfully decline my parents concern is if he were to go speak to someone and get a bit of clarity. I'll go with him if he doesn't feel comfortable and then both of us can move forward, whether we stay together or move on. But now I just don't know if there's even a point in bringing it up to him or even how to bring it up. I feel helpless

But you have to understand that getting heat for a year everyday from the only people you have in your life will interfere with your decisions. It's a lot easier said than done to just make my own decision and decline their input, while they work long hours to cover my expenses so that I do well in school for a promising future.

hey, don't misunderstand me, I did not mean to suggest that any of this was easy... I don't believe that it is at all. I feel for you because this is coming of age stuff that you are dealing with... this is what it is like being an adult (I am not implying that you are not an adult) and life is incredibly complex at times... and painful. All I was intending to do was try and put some things into perspective as I saw them, that's all.

Roll, sometimes relationships end and they hurt really bad... maybe the way things went for you made this whole experience that much harder. But you will learn something about yourself, your values; things you wouldn't have otherwise learned until you went through such a thing. It will make you wiser in the end. All heartaches fade in time... maybe you just have to accept this loss and move on. And I know that this is never an easy thing to do because I was married and divorced before and that was the hardest thing of my life... it's very difficult sometimes to just let go but maybe one of you has to be the one to do that.

I'd be interested to know what you will do.

Lol, I appreciate your feedback jakester more than you'll ever know. I think you're the only one who has honestly laid it out there for me. This experience has without question taught me many things. But I can't help but think that it's almost silly to let this one go and move forward. I've already accepted the fact that I will if we've done all that we've could and it didn't work. But to give up prior to that? Hm. I don't want to just yet.

I guess I just need a bit of direction in the next move I make. Should I just tell him one last time how I feel, or should I take your advice and ignore him until he feels the need for both of us to try to make it work again...

Lol, I appreciate your feedback jakester more than you'll ever know. I think you're the only one who has honestly laid it out there for me. This experience has without question taught me many things. But I can't help but think that it's almost silly to let this one go and move forward. I've already accepted the fact that I will if we've done all that we've could and it didn't work. But to give up prior to that? Hm. I don't want to just yet.

I guess I just need a bit of direction in the next move I make. Should I just tell him one last time how I feel, or should I take your advice and ignore him until he feels the need for both of us to try to make it work again...

Hmmm... :rolleyes:

First, I always appreciate another human being who appreciates honesty because the truth is what guides us well in life.

Ok, here's the hypothesized scenario as it plays out in my mind. You call him and work things out. Things start to move in a positive direction and you are dating and there's talk of marriage. So naturally you tell your parents that you and him are dating and are talking of marriage. What happens when you tell them? The way you answer that question will determine what steps you will take now, my friend.

In other words, don't even bother. But do you think he's over it himself?

In other words, don't even bother. But do you think he's over it himself?

Well, I can't answer the "don't even bother" part. You can only do that. I'm sure he's just as sorry that things didn't work out as you did but knowing whether his heart was over it or not will not satisfy you all that much... trust me it never does. That's just your pride talking there and we all feel that when we go through a breakup. But once you come out the other side of this, it would be better that you wished him well in your own heart. Enjoy the time you had with him and learn from this experience. Someone else will come along in time.

I know it hurts your heart... these things have a way of making us come alive in ways that you never knew you could before... the pain of a breakup brings us to different levels of what it means to be human like very few things in life can. That is the way life is sometimes.

I wish you all the best, my friend.

You have me confused as you wrote that you broke up because of family pressure, but yet you both still see each other. Then you wrote that your mad because your still broken up, and he needs clarity, whatever the heck that means. I imagine he is confused also since you seem to have made parents and religion a major theme and road block, instead of defining where the relationship is going according to the wants and needs of the two of you.

I think you have let artificial things and the feelings of others come between the two of you, and a great lack of proper communications is driving a huge wedge between you.

Sit and talk about what you both honestly want, and what kind of life you intend to have, and how best to get it. Then you will know if this will work or not and if your both willing to proceed.

Two religions can work nicely I think if they both are respected equally by both partners.

Sit down and talk to each other and stop playing this game of being together, but not really together. Its stupid and disrespectfully, and in the words of my own culture, "half stepping".

True partners define themselves by their love, and commitment to themselves, and each other, before their God, not to the traditions of any religion.

For sure, if you can't solve these glitches together and be together, what's the point of all this drama from outside you both?

I think you celebrate the best of both worlds, by talking, LISTENING, and working together. Love is the religion of both your culture so build on it.

Good grief talaniman, that was good.

I intended on speaking to him, but then noticed a picture of him and his ex girlfriend posted on Facebook. What should I make of this?

Do you mean newly posted?
If so,I would assume they are in touch,but nobody can say for sure what it means.

We haven't spoken in two weeks besides a brief text. Aside from that, I just thought maybe I'd wait a little until the smoke clears. Yet now I don't really have the confidence at all to talk to him.