I know this may seem trivial to some, but any opinions that can help would be appreciated. Does anyone else think that it is slightly cruel of an ex (whom you have told that you don't want to be friends with and with whom you have not had contact with for over 2 months) to email you out of the blue and casually tell you that he is now living with the girl he dumped you for? Well, this happened to me a couple of days ago and I have been very hurt by it. We were together just over a year. Though it was a long distance relationship, we spent as much time together as we could before I was to move to him earlier this year. We had vacationed together only two weeks before he dumped me and it was shocking because things seemed to be going so well. I was completely floored by his actions. It was completely out of nowhere as we had been planning our next trip together only days before he dumped me. I told him I couldn't be friends as he had asked and I tried to just let it go move on, though I was never unkind to him.

So I find this to be kind of cruel because I had told him several times that I couldn't be friends after how he hurt me by suddenly dumping me for this other girl earlier this year, yet he wouldn't leave me alone. I never asked about this other girl or if he was even seeing anyone at all. I didn't want to know because I knew how badly it would hurt. I was hurt for a long time, but I had finally accepted it was over (though I still care for him in some ways), had finally been feeling sort of better, moving on, and minding my own business when he hits me out of the blue with this and brings the hurt back all over again. Now I have been crying for the past two days. I feel that I have been sent right back to square one. How should I best respond to this? Should I respond to his email?

Would anyone else feel angry and hurt by this calloussness over a situation that had been very painful for me? I certainly wouldn't have told him this so casually had the tables been turned and I had dumped him for another guy. I certainly wouldn't have contacted him out of the blue with it when he clearly stated that he didn't want to be friends, had been very hurt by my actions, and hadn't contacted me at all for months. What should I say in reply to him? I just feel so angry that he brought all those painful feelings back for me. I had not cried over him in months.

Hello there,

Yes.. What he has done to you is very, very wrong. This is also extremely immature of him to do this to you. You have quite rightly made it clear to him that you did not want to be friends after he dumped you. Why did he want to retain friendship anyway? That sounds a bit strange to me?

Please don't repond to the e-mail, he is far from worth it and certainly NOT worth your tears. The very fact that he has e-mailed you with this shows that he wants you to respond. Don't give that to him!!

He has hurt you (TWICE NOW), don't give him an opportunity to do it again. You will find someone far more deserving of you... in time to come...

All the best..

Pat yourself on the back, and thank yourself for not going ballistic over an e-mail. There is a thin line between friendship and stuffing an ex's happiness in someone's face. That line was crossed, it seems. He may have been something to you in the past, but there is no future with this man so tears are very unnecessary over someone with cruel intentions.

If he may have POSSIBLY just wrote you to give an update on how he's been is one thing, but seems that the only thing he had to say was "I'm with someone new, lemme rub some salt in an open wound!"

I suggest you block his e-mail, have a girls' night out and be happy to be free from his immaturity... no sense in missing that, especially.

Thanks for your replies everyone. It just sucks that he ruined my Thanksgiving week when I was feeling pretty accepting that it was over lately. I was doing no contact, minding my own business and everything. The weirdest part is that his initial email to me out of the blue (after these 2 month of nothing after I had told him that I didn't want to be friends because it was too hard for me) contained nothing but a very cute inside joke that he and I shared that no one else would get or even know about.

When I saw that first email, I thought, wow he must be thinking of the fun we had when we made up that little joke and how we laughed at it over and over, only the two of us. So I replied thinking that he must be missing me, only to have him drop the bomb on me ever so casually that he is no longer living alone and is living with her now, but she isn't working and he has to pay all the bills. He said hopefully she soon will be working and then they will have all kinds of money and went on and on about the house they live in together. Then he went on to talk about a movie like this last wouldn't upset me in the least.

I literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor! I mean this is the girl dumped me and broke my heart for. Can anyone really be this oblivous to another person's feelings? Or am I just crazy? I would never dream of doing that to a guy I had dumped for someone else! It just seems so overall cruel to get my attention with our cute little inside joke only to throw that crap on me that he lives with her now. I am thinking of writing him back giving him a piece of my mind and telling him what an inconsiderate, callous he is.

Okay, girl, you are doing good. Don't let it ruin your Thanksgiving, if you do then he is getting exactly the response out of you that he wants.

So I replied thinking that he must be missing me, only to have him drop the bomb on me ever so casually that he is no longer living alone and is living with her now, but she isn't working and he has to pay all the bills. He said hopefully she soon will be working and then they will have all kinds of money and went on and on about the house they live in together. Then he went on to talk about a movie like this last wouldn't upset me in the least.

He sounds like a real Pr*t, be glad he is not with you anymore.

Sorry, I know you once had feelings for the guy but he just does not seem to be worth any of your time. Just ignore him!

Goodness, what a jerk. It makes one wonder just what goes on in some peoples minds. Well, you are so lucky he is out of your life. It does make you want to email him with a few inside tips about his personality and would love to hear someday that she has dumped him. Or to wish him a happy Thanksgiving... hope your turkey burns. Aside from that, I would certainly not let him know I cared. Keep your pride. At first it is hard to not show emotions in front of him when you were so caught off guard. After that, Never let him know you are crying over him, especially now. You have been doing good, keep it up, do not allow him to take your peace away and control your feelings. That is what he is trying to do. Although you are no longer together he wants to still have some control over you. There would be no other reason to email you after this time with that kind of information.
Evidently he was seeing her while he was seeing you, that means he is not a man of integrity. He will soon be playing with someone else while he is with her.
I am sure his new girlfriend has not a clue he is emailing you. Good luck and have a good Thanksgiving. Do not even let someone like him make your day bad. You deserve so much more and better and you will get it. When you move in with someone it will be with a ring on.

Also..

This guy will crash and burn...

Eventually..

Might be good for him in the sense that he will realise what he gave up.. Might make him a better person perhaps?

Or maybe not.. Who cares>?

Not your concern really..

What he did to you is wrong and he is only doing this because he wants to make you jealous. Don't respond to his email and just leave him alone... if you don't respond he will see that you don't care. Delete the email, and if he calls you don't answer the phone. If he emails you anymore don't even open them, just delete them right away!! Hope this helps

<<I am thinking of writing him back giving him a piece of my mind and telling him what an inconsiderate, callous he is.>>

Naa don't bother , what a jerk... if anything write back a oneliner "Good for you, Ive met someone very special also and i feel so happy"

But I guess no contact is the best.

Can anyone really be this oblivous to another person's feelings? Or am I just crazy? I would never dream of doing that to a guy I had dumped for someone else! It just seems so overall cruel to get my attention with our cute little inside joke only to throw that crap on me that he lives with her now. I am thinking of writing him back giving him a piece of my mind and telling him what an inconsiderate, callous he is.

No, he's not oblivious, he's calculatingly cruel. Dropping the bomb after priming you with the cute inside joke was just over the top. I know how tempting it is to tell him off, but I think no response at all will be better for you and more fitting for him. He obviously is trying to get a rise out of you, so you can at least deny him that satisfaction. Definitely block his email so he can't keep doing it. If he calls, say nothing at all. Just hang up without a word. I know this must be unbearably hard to take, but comfort yourself with the thought that at least you found out what he's really like before you uprooted yourself and went to live with him. Think how much worse it would have been after you were there. You were doing exactly the right thing before this happened, so don't quit now. This just makes it all the more important to persevere. You sound like a kind and considerate person. Don't let him take that away from you. Keep in touch here as you work through this. We'll help however we can.

As they say in the recovery business, you can start your day again any time you wish. Maybe that applies to Thanksgiving weekends too? Let's hope it does. Maybe make some grits to remind yourself that you need to be in a place where he is metaphorically eating them too? And then start over from there? Just a thought... and happy Thanksgiving too.

I think no contact is the best because is only doing this to make her even more upset than she already is... and he knows how she feels and this is just a way to get him to feel like he has the upper hand

Laugh of his pathetic attempts at getting a rise from you, so immature. Report his E-mail to spam, and put this behind you. Aren't you happy you don't have him in your life? Don't you feel sorry for his current g/f? Say a pray for this immature people. They obviously need it.

Hi SouthernBelle!

PLEASE DON'T CONTACT HIM! For some reason, he wants to hurt you... AGAIN! If you acknowledge his e-mail then... he won!

Like Senta said... a night out with the girls is exactly what you need! He is only "one" man/mouse. There are sooo many more men out there.

Think of the break up as a "blessing in disguise".

Hey thanks for your replies everyone. I appreciate the support as I have been feeling lousy about all of this. I really did love this guy at one time. I do still care for him somewhat or else his living arrangement wouldn't hurt me. I will admit to that.

You know, I have read a lot of posts here and I always see that no contact is the way to go after one is dumped, but I am finding myself full of questions and regrets now in the way I handled my situation because I feel that I did try no contact here and I lost him anyway. He simply forgot me and moved on to someone else. I almost feel as if my no contact just cleared me out of the way for him to fall in love with her. I guess all of this just threw me and brought a lot of hurt feelings and regrets back for me. I wonder if I should have handled things differently?

I always diligently let him know I didn't want to do the friends thing and I feel that it obviously didn't help me any. When he would contact me after every few months, I would act fine, never act needy, never ask to reconcile, never beg. I am just feeling bummed and full of regret I think. I feel that it should have been me living there with him as we had made plans for that this time last year. Thanks again for listening everyone.

Hey thanks for your replies everyone. I appreciate the support as I have been feeling lousy about all of this. I really did love this guy at one time. I do still care for him somewhat or else his living arrangement wouldn't hurt me. I will admit to that.

You know, I have read a lot of posts here and I alway see that no contact is the way to go after one is dumped, but I am finding myself full of questions and regrets now in the way I handled my situation because I feel that I did try no contact here and I lost him anyway. He simply forgot me and moved on to someone else. I almost feel as if my no contact just cleared me out of the way for him to fall in love with her. I guess all of this just threw me and brought a lot of hurt feelings and regrets back for me. I wonder if I should have handled things differently?

I always diligently let him know I didn't want to do the friends thing and I feel that it obviously didn't help me any. When he would contact me after every few months, I would act fine, never act needy, never ask to reconcile, never beg. I am just feeling bummed and full of regret I think. I feel that it should have been me living there with him as we had made plans for that this time last year. Thanks again for listening everyone.

If it was meant to be... it would be. You have no control over the situation. You are not the "dumper"... you are the "dumpee". If you would have acted needy, begged or contacted him after the break then you would have looked bad. He would run from you.

He is probably wondering why you haven't contacted him and acted all needy. They want that but then they don't. You handled yourself exactly the way you were suppose to. Don't doubt that for a minute. All he wants is a reaction and... YOU ARE NOT Going to GIVE IT TO HIM!

I lived with a man for 3 years and he dumped me and was seeing someone else before he even broke up with he. They were engaged 5 months (that's right... 5 months later). After the break I did not contact him and I avoided him at all possible costs. Time does heal. Anyone who has had their heart broke knows this first hand. It is hard to hear at first but it's true.

It's his loss... not yours!

Horrible. Why torment someone like that. Don't give him the satisfaction of responding, he will think you don't care, delete it. He will eventually get the message if you don't respond.

Sure Your Going To Feel Lousy About This Because You Loved Him... but That's A Part Of Life. Go Out Have Fun With Your Friends And Meet New People... you Don't Need Drama Like That In Your Life... your Better Off... like I Said Before Don't Answer His Calls Or Emails. Just Delete The Emails And Ignore The Calls... it Will All Get Better Soon... it Always Does...

You know, I have read a lot of posts here and I alway see that no contact is the way to go after one is dumped, but I am finding myself full of questions and regrets now in the way I handled my situation because I feel that I did try no contact here and I lost him anyway. He simply forgot me and moved on to someone else. I almost feel as if my no contact just cleared me out of the way for him to fall in love with her. I guess all of this just threw me and brought a lot of hurt feelings and regrets back for me. I wonder if I should have handled things differently?


You handled it exactly right. Don't torment yourself. The point of no contact isn't to get them back, it's to give yourself time and space to heal and find your own center. Even in those rare instances where they do come back, that's a necessary thing to do. In this case, you better hope he doesn't want to come back. It would take more time than it's worth to convince me that a guy who could do what he's done has changed enough to trust in a real relationship. It's the perfect time of year to be grateful that he revealed his true character before he could do even more damage.

It is weird and very insecure of him.

I've see nthis SOOOO many times where people go on Vacation - and then shortly after it's over.

Living with another gal after only 2 months? That's even more weird.

Take it as experience - run from this guy. Don't return any e-mails. Best thing to do is DELETE!!

Don't give him any satisfaction of a returned e-mail.

Thanks for all your advice everyone. Apparently this would p*** off others as well as myself. Glad I am not alone in my feelings. Everyone gave good suggestions, but I feel torn about what to do next. I feel that if I don't reply, he will think, "I see that mentioning the other girl got her so upset, she suddenly didn't answer me as she answered the first email", but then and I feel that if I answer with a nonchalant, "Oh congratulations. I'm so happy for the two of you", it will encourage him to feel that he can write and tell me even more details of her. No thanks.

I composed a reply email that I haven't sent yet. It is polite, but doesn't let the crappy thing he has done go unnoticed. It contains congratulatory remarks along with an acknowledgement that I think what he did was wrong:

Sample reply email to ex:

"Hey man, congratulations on your house and your relationship, but to be honest, I didn't think that they were really appropriate subject to bring up after all this time. Frankly, to do so seems rather immature to me. It's not something that I would have felt the need to do, had the situation been reversed. I have told you several times that I didn't think being friends was a good idea to begin with and now this email from you has just confirmed why. I won't be in touch anymore, but I wish you well. Good luck to you and take care. All the best."

I just feel that I want to let him know that I see what he's doing here and I'm not dumb, nor am without the guts to confront him on it (though with as much class as possible). I just don't want him to get away with upsetting me like he did. The other email I have composed in my head reads simply, "F*** you!" Just kidding. :)

Any opinions?

Wow, what a jerk. As much as his Email hurts, it should be proof that you deserve better!

I would not respond, it seem obvious that he is just looking to get a reaction out of you. Any sort of email that you send, is just going to give him the satisfaction that he got to you. I would type up several of the "F*** you" variety to relieve the stress, but don't send them!

I went through a similar dilemma with my ex, and actually wrote three long letters that were never sent. It did help me to write them, and looking back now I am glad I did not send them.

Not responding will drive him nuts, That is what you want, isn't it.

To make a correction, he broke things off with me 10 months ago, not 2 months ago. But he has been calling and emailing me asking to be "friends" during the entire 10 months time. We were together about a year when he dumped me for the other girl.

I repeatedly declined his offer for "friendship", then I wwould go into no contact. I was trying to move on and forget him. He would leave me alone a month or so at a time, then email me as if nothing had happened, ignoring my requests. I really loved this guy and deep down, I always hoped he was making contact again because he cared about me and missed me. I now see that that thought was a joke.

It had been 2 months since I last told him that I could not be friends with him. He didn't respond, then comes back at me with this crap. He's never mentioned the other girl until now. His mentioning her so casually as if it wouldn't phase me hurt a lot. I mean, this guy knew how much he hurt me when he dumped me for another girl. That sucks for anyone! I had respected his decision to break up and tried to just go on with things for myself. I never contacted him, never asked him back, never asked him about the other girl, nothing. This is why his coming at me with this hurtful information so casually angered me so. It was totally unwarranted and unsolicited. It set me back to square one and got me to crying over him again.

Well I wound up sending him a short quick reply. I know everyone said not to, but I was angry with his calloussness. I kept it sweet and nice, but I did tell him that I thought his email "was unnecessary, perhaps a bit immature, and not how I would have handled the same situation, but that it's all water under the bridge now". I told him (for the millionths time) that I wasn't interested in being friends then I ended it by wishing him well and told him good luck and to take care. I even put in a joke about my job at the very end to change the subject.

Then I put his email address to spam and blocked it. So that's that. I'm sure we will never speak again. What a disappointment it all turned out to be. I am so hurt. This was a guy that I was willing to pack up and move for. I am a nurse, so relocation is very easy for me. Jobs in my field fortunately are abundant right now. I really loved him and I tried so hard to make it work.

Maybe he got the rise out of me that he wanted, I don't know. Why he would want a rise out of me, I don't understand. But I just had to say something to him. Maybe just for closure after all these months of hurt and disappointment and hoping he actually cared. I figured that it didn't matter anyway since he apparently never loved me and it's over anyway. I guess I'm just venting. The holidays tend to bring that out sometimes : )

I don't see how the no contact stuff could possibly work in this situation. But thanks for listening everyone.

And I guess it's safe to say the No Contact didn't work here. I lost him just the same and he choose to forget me instead.

On a happier note, happy Thanksgiving to all.

Well I think it was a good mature reply from you.

Excuse me, I didn't know you wanted that knuckle head back. I had no idea you were using no contact to get him back. Forgive me for reading this thread and re-reading it and misunderstanding your whole motivation. Your last post cleared it up for me, and for that I thank you.

First, He dumped you and YOU still let him dump on you more via E-mail, by reading them you broke the no contact. YOUR CHOICE.

Second, By responding you told him that he could live rent free in your head anytime he wants. YOUR FAULT, not his. You should have spammed him after the first e-mail and would not have had to go through the rest of this drama. AGAIN your fault not his.

Third, No contact is for YOU to heal and get over all those feelings and be healthy enough to deal with reality, and be responsible for your own happiness.

Lastly, After all the thank you's and what not you've been feeding us you still have not done the things necessary for the healing process to work and so you can move on with your life and be happy. And after all the negative crap you let him put you through, you still fail to see that YOU still want that jerk back. Does that sound healthy to you? So you sit on the pity pot and blame everything on everyone but you... SO,. sad! ( I almost said pathetic) Stop being a victim!. now that is pathetic!

On a happier note, happy Thanksgiving to all.
Same to you!

You are right talaniman. Your email was blunt, but too the point. I can't argue with anything you said. I really did love this guy while we were together and I did want him back for a long time after the breakup. I wish that I didn't, but I did. I did go into no contact to help me move on. I knew I couldn't do a friendship with him after dating for a year and after the way he ended things. I thought he must be crazy to ask that of me and I said an emphatic no.

I guess I never really thought that reading his emails or hearing out his phone message was a form of "breaking no contact." I considered breaking no contact to mean MY initiating any sort of contact with him, which I never did after the breakup. Not even once. I wish I had found this site when it happened.

I see your point though. I see your point very clearly in fact. Had I blocked his phone number and his email months ago, I would not have had to deal with this setback today. I could kick my own a** for it. I did let him creep back into my thoughts over and over and confuse me.

I mistakenly thought that his repeated attempts to contact me meant that he must care though. I still don't understand why HE wouldn't just stop the contact, but I guess I will never know.

Thanks for your reply too rol.

Hi there,
Well its never too late to learn... just start the no contact from today.
Plus he did cheat on you, why would you really want him back? Do you really want someone with issues like that?? Maybe ask yourself that question instead.

Some questions are never meant to be answered, and if you try to, nothing good will ever come out of it. That I can promise you. You can safely assume that he was a jerk who didn't know what he was giving up... can't blame him, sounds like he was infected by ignoramus stupidius. Don't feel bad or sorry for yourself, if you've seen the error in your ways, as well as his, forgive yourself and move on. YOU take control of your own happiness. To leave it in the hands of someone who doesn't care 3 cents about you until after the fact is a great waste of time, and a sign that you need a long time to take the time, to love yourself. He never stopped contacting you, and it might be because he wanted something familiar and I don't mean to be rude, he hoped and went after a sure thing. Block him, do what you have to do. This is YOUR time, YOUR holiday. He doesn't pay your bills, keep a roof over your head or keep you from going hungry. Looks like you've been doing fine without him. Good luck, and happy thanksgiving to you.

*Edit*

Meh, he cheated on you. Grab your radio, mp3 player, or iTunes, sing every song written that has to do with being cheated on at the top of your lungs. That makes for a good girls' night out.

Hit the 'delete' button and block his e-mail address from your inbox.


I am thinking of writing him back giving him a piece of my mind and telling him what an inconsiderate, callous he is.

Don't bother. It'll only serve to aggravate you even more. Not replying at all will actually have a bigger impact then if you write back and tell him off. Blocking his e-mail will hit home even harder the next time he tries to e-mail you when he gets it back with the message that you've blocked his address.


if anything write back a oneliner "Good for you, Ive met someone very special also and i feel so happy"

but i guess no contact is the best.

Couldn't spread it, but actually, I like this tactic. Even if it's not true. THEN block his e-mail address from your inbox.


Hey thanks for your replies everyone. I appreciate the support as I have been feeling lousy about all of this. I really did love this guy at one time. I do still care for him somewhat or else his living arrangement wouldn't hurt me. I will admit to that.

You know, I have read a lot of posts here and I alway see that no contact is the way to go after one is dumped, but I am finding myself full of questions and regrets now in the way I handled my situation because I feel that I did try no contact here and I lost him anyway. He simply forgot me and moved on to someone else. I almost feel as if my no contact just cleared me out of the way for him to fall in love with her. I guess all of this just threw me and brought a lot of hurt feelings and regrets back for me. I wonder if I should have handled things differently?

I always diligently let him know I didn't want to do the friends thing and I feel that it obviously didn't help me any. When he would contact me after every few months, I would act fine, never act needy, never ask to reconcile, never beg. I am just feeling bummed and full of regret I think. I feel that it should have been me living there with him as we had made plans for that this time last year. Thanks again for listening everyone.

Actually, your "no contact" tactic did "worK" in that it got him e-mailing you again, even if to only gloat. But since he's made it clear that he's not available, you need to go on with no contact. Furthermore, since he gloats when he does contact you, that is why everyone is advising you to block his e-mails. Make him realize that you don't want to hear from him. That'll get him to wondering just what you'er up to and why you don't want to hear from him anymore. Especially if you precede it with a little "fib", just like rol suggested, that you've found someone yourself and are very happy ; then refusing to let him contact you will really get him wondering and probably turn him into a complete basket case, much to the detriment of his current live-in interest. Perhaps it just wan't meant to be but you were right not to contact him and not to continue being "friends" with him, so go right on doing just that.

I think he is the type of guy that wanted to keep some control over you in a way. Just in case, maybe. Really hard to say. If it made you feel better to email him that last email. You needed to do it. Life is a series of lessons. Don't beat yourself up over anything you may have or may have not done. Put the experience in a chapter of your little book of life, and go on. You will grow from it and learn from it. One can read all the books on life, and hear all of the advice. The best teacher of all is experience. Relationships are like children. There are some basic rules but each one is different and will be handled differently. As I said in an earlier post, he was probably seeing someone when he was seeing you. That is not a good sign and you are better off without him. The holidays are always harder. You will be fine and you deserve so much more. Happy Thanksiving.

I appreciate everyone's replies. I have blocked his phone number and email. I am trying to do what you guys have suggested and stop letting this guy ruin my happiness as he has done (or I guess I have let him do rather) pretty much this entire year. I can pretty much guess what his reply to my email would have been anyway... "I'm sorry, I had no idea it would upset you."... so it's not like I missed much anyway by blocking him.

I have been reading some of the other replies to posts dealing with ex's and I wish I had posted here about all of this the day that it happened. Besides, what would his next email be anyway? Some future wedding invitation? I bet he would love to spring something like that on me. I wonder if he thinks he is so cool and so mature for keeping in touch with his exes or something. I never understood that. Maybe it's a control or ego thing. But as another reply stated, I'll never know. I find myself still feeling somewhat depressed, I'm trying to take control of these emotions and start the healing process. I now know that one doesn't start to heal when you are hoping for a reconciliation.

Anyway thanks for responding.