I decided to write on this in order to gain some perspective & well, basically, vent a bit. I'll spare all the details & cut to the chase. I'm very unhappy in my marriage. I feel completely alone and come to think of it, have for pretty much the duration of our "union". We've been married nearly 3 years. I admit, it was a VERY rocky road. I question all the time why the hell I jumped into it so young (25) & what led me to believe this was the next logical step. Clearly, it was not. Initially when we were engaged, he had an emotional affair with an "old college friend". I feel it's complete BS. He simply got caught (via me seeing texts back/forth when he claimed he did not contact her) & had no choice but to fess up. He would call her in the middle of the night. He would initiate most of the calls/texts. He clearly knew I did not feel very warmly toward their relationship, but he continued to speak with her anyway because he says it was not cheating because he did not have such feelings for her. To me, it's cheating when you a.) do something your partner has made clear does not sit well with, b.) go out of your way to hide it, c.) lie about it. He did all of the above. He was able to convince me (& apparently I convinced myself) that maybe I was "over reacting". Looking back, I wish every day that I had walked away at that point.

We got married. Moved in together. He would hide finances from me, changing bank accounts around so I wouldn't see his lack of a paycheck. Our sex life was lame, & he was not very sexual with me. Yes, the basic "have sex in bed at night" every few nights, but nothing random & newlywed-ish. Whatever. Again, I let my wishes & wants go because I wanted to mold myself around his personality & "understand him". I asked him if he ever watched porn, & he blatantly denied it to me. He said he wasn't into that "sh*t" & he didn't need it because he had me. Complete BS. I came to find out once, randomly, that not only does he watch it but AT WORK. Sometimes a few times a day. Sometimes at 10am. He watched it at work, & had numerous videos downloaded onto his work's desktop so I could not access it. He would log on remotely from home & view it, sometimes when I was there. It would be for a few seconds, before he logged off (I'm assuming I was probably somewhere nearby). He had his favorite porn stars, often referring back to a specific girl of Indian decent (as I am also Indian). He Googled "Sexy Indian Girls" to see which photos he could feast on prior to coming home to me. Various stuff, lesbians, threesomes, and countless naked women he's viewed since we have been married. It broke my heart. The amount of times he's viewed this has disgusted me. Very often, as often as he could.

The thing is that he was not very sexual with me. To the point where I would question why he was so reserved. I saw what he was looking at, & it was far from reserved. He's downloaded 4 different versions of a specific celebrity sex tape, & viewed each one (at work, of course). I would sit there, whenever this particular girl would be on TV and rave about how beautiful I thought (and still think) she was, yet I had no clue my husband had already seen EVERY PART OF HER & still had the video downloaded for future reference. I can't walk down the street & see any pretty or mildly attractive girl & not wonder if he'd want to have sex with her or not.

I freaked out, and let him know. He swore up and down that it would not happen again, & to be honest I couldn't care less at this point. The bond has been broken. I never imagined he would blatantly disregard what I expected of him, but looking back at the entire "emotional affair" thing, why wouldn't he?

Here is what is killing me, & I cannot bring myself to talk to him about it. I was sexually abused at the age of 7. Raped, actually. The whole deal--bleeding, complete loss of self-worth, & spending the past 21 years trying to tell myself that I am not garbage. My husband is aware of that. I am against anything that degrades women, & the stuff he was looking at makes me sick to my stomach. It's safe to assume that the majority of those "ladies" he's viewed countless times have been victims of some sort of abuse or have serious self-esteem issues (that's pure logic). And here is yet another man exploiting them, but this one is MY HUSBAND. I feel that his viewing of this garbage, & as often as he did (come on, 10 am? What happened to having coffee?), he felt some sort of control over them. He was able to change the video if it didn't please him, there was no pressure. Yet he fed into this world that I made clear I was against. He lied to me about it. He could have talked to me about his sexual issues, yet he did not. He led me to believe that everything was good on his front, & that there was no reason for concern. Yet he indulged in his fantasies while I was thinking he was AT WORK. The best part? He worked a commission-based job & has absolutely nothing to show for his time there (financially). He lied to me, borrowed over $70,000 from his father and would tell me it is his pay. When I found all of this out, imagine my shock. It's been a few months, but the issue is there BOLD IN OUR FACES yet is always swept under the rug. We did marriage counciling, but cannot afford it any longer (I am a full-time student).

The thing is, that I've given up. I have no desire to be around someone like him. There are 4 people in my entire life who are aware of my sexual abuse. Myself, the person who did it, an ex-boyfriend, & my husband. I thought he would be respectful of my disdain toward sexual activity outside of our marriage, including having a need or want to look at other women either naked or having sex. He lied to my face about it, went out of his way to hide it, and jeopardized our futures by doing this nonsense at work. It's beyond pathetic and I truly feel sorry for him. I can't imagine the shame he must be living with, and the lack of control over his "real" (non-virtual) life. What hurts me the most is that I've allowed this situation to shake me to the core. When I found out initially, I felt worthless. Like that used-up garbage that I felt like when I was a small child. I felt ugly, unwanted, and disgusting. If he didn't have a want to do that stuff, he would not have. But he did. And I am having a really hard time wrapping myself around all of this. As much as I can visually see that I am pretty damn attractive physically, I can't help but revert back to those bad childhood feelings of feeling like I am worth nothing. And here comes this person, who is well aware of that, & can make me feel that way again? He says he did it so he would be aroused when he'd come home to me. So he needed to see other women naked before he came home to me? Is that it? He said he needed to "get into a sexual mood" so he would quickly look, I mean how am I supposed to take that? So he "needed" to look at other women, particularly Indian women such as myself, at 10 am, knowing that I would not be home until 9pm? That makes sense? I know men look at porn for masturbatory reasons, and the thought of him sitting there at work (where he was often alone in the office), doing that makes me sick. He'd rather do that than be with me? I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

(I was typing my reply and closed the darn window, frustrating!)

First I would like to begin by saying you sound like a caring, thoughtful, wonderful woman who deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, and love.

Have you ever received therapy to come to terms with your rape? You seem to have a pretty good outlook about sex and want it to be a positive growing experience.

How have you brought up the issues with your husband? Did you simply talk with him and he responded negatively? Or did he kind of agree with you, but not change anything?

It sounds like your husband has some serious problems he needs to figure out, without you. It sounds like he really doesn't care about resolving the problems, since he simply disregards what you say and continues his behavior.

I would recommend almost writing a letter, similar to the effect of this topic you made and tell him what you said here, and that you no longer want to be with someone that is deceitful and dishonest to you.

Is it possible for you to move out or him to move out quickly?

When I first started reading your post, I was wondering why you seemed so bitter, then I see the childhood sexual assault, and realize that your husband's behaviour is actually accenting that experience, bringing it to the forefront, and his behaviour is inexcuseable, considering he knows of that incident.

I don't see this as him having problems with his sexuality. I see him as a selfish, uncaring parter, oblivious to making connections as to how his behaviour directly affects you. He is accenting, with the porn, those feelings that you had dealt with long ago. Not a doubt in my mind, had he not done those things, you would not be feeling the way you are now, which is totally understandable.

His need for sexual satisfaction or addiction, or whatever you want to call it, has polarized you. You cannot accept that he judges women (thus you) in ways that are merely a means to an end, without thought, emotion, or consequence.

If his employer saw what he was doing on his work computer, at work, he'd be fired. Rightly so. That's a consequence. That he tortures you with keeping up his 'interests' so far has not resulted in any consequences.

What would happen if he stopped. What would happen if he had told you he had a problem with the porn, that he regretted lying about it, acknowledged how his actions hurt you so badly. What would have happened if he had taken a responsible stance, stopped the behaviour, worked on the relationship, and was sincerely remorseful. I suspect that that might not have been enough. Especially when he added up lies upon lies about his income, loans, and hiding everything by moving accounts around. All very deliberate actions, that did have alternatives at the time.

While the porn stuff may be the worst betrayal to get over under the circumstances with your history, even accepting an apology now, does not erase what he's done.

Not does it erase the fact that this has so overwhelmed you, and affects your life in so many ways.

While he is not the person you thought you were marrying, he is who he is. That you have been slapped with re-living the horror of a sexually abused child, is an opportunity to seek counselling on your own. You have been double-whammied here. His actions, and how his actions specifically affect you, beyond the 'normal' porn stuff that men do.

Any reasonable man would have been able to put two and two together. We both know there are many avenues to address and change behaviour. He chose not to.

It might be time to really evaluate where your life is going, and just what, if anything, you can accept about what he has done, and move on in the marriage.

The only plus I can see is that you found out now, instead of 20 years from now.

When I first started reading your post, I was wondering why you seemed so bitter, then I see the childhood sexual assault, and realize that your husband's behaviour is actually accenting that experience, bringing it to the forefront, and his behaviour is inexcuseable, considering he knows of that incident.

I don't see this as him having problems with his sexuality. I see him as a selfish, uncaring parter, oblivious to making connections as to how his behaviour directly affects you. He is accenting, with the porn, those feelings that you had dealt with long ago. Not a doubt in my mind, had he not done those things, you would not be feeling the way you are now, which is totally understandable.

His need for sexual satisfaction or addiction, or whatever you want to call it, has polarized you. You cannot accept that he judges women (thus you) in ways that are merely a means to an end, without thought, emotion, or consequence.

If his employer saw what he was doing on his work computer, at work, he'd be fired. Rightly so. That's a consequence. That he tortures you with keeping up his 'interests' so far has not resulted in any consequences.

What would happen if he stopped. What would happen if he had told you he had a problem with the porn, that he regretted lying about it, acknowledged how his actions hurt you so badly. What would have happened if he had taken a responsible stance, stopped the behaviour, worked on the relationship, and was sincerely remorseful. I suspect that that might not have been enough. Especially when he added up lies upon lies about his income, loans, and hiding everything by moving accounts around. All very deliberate actions, that did have alternatives at the time.

While the porn stuff may be the worst betrayal to get over under the circumstances with your history, even accepting an apology now, does not erase what he's done.

Not does it erase the fact that this has so overwhelmed you, and affects your life in so many ways.

While he is not the person you thought you were marrying, he is who he is. That you have been slapped with re-living the horror of a sexually abused child, is an opportunity to seek counselling on your own. You have been double-whammied here. His actions, and how his actions specifically affect you, beyond the 'normal' porn stuff that men do.

Any reasonable man would have been able to put two and two together. We both know there are many avenues to address and change behaviour. He chose not to.

It might be time to really evaluate where your life is going, and just what, if anything, you can accept about what he has done, and move on in the marriage.

The only plus I can see is that you found out now, instead of 20 years from now.

I can utterly understand why you can't stand to be around your husband - but, I do think that you have to talk to him about it.

You must know that you've chosen someone that reflects back to you your lack of self esteem, the helplessness of your childhood rape and the disgust you feel for activities that demean women.

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. Perhaps this has happened so that you can feel those feelings again and do something about them.

It doesn't mean you have to stay in the marriage. The marriage and your husband may just be the vehicle to bring these issues that need to be dealt with to the fore.

Talk to your husband and tell him the disgust and horror you feel at his actions. Tell him what they mean to you - be brutally honest.

Let his response shape your response. You are not worthless and you deserve better than someone that lies, emotionally cheats and watches porn at work. You just need to convince yourself of that.

Hi I have just spent the past hour thinking about your situation. I really feel for you and think that you sound like such and honest, caring and loving person... who obviously loves her husband to bits and that even though its been so hard for you , you have still tried to make it work. I think that is what the problem is with us asian girls we love too deep.
I have been married just over a year and can't think of a time when I was happy with my husband. One of my friend introduced me to this guy (who is a family friend)
A very decent guy (which is what we all look for in a man to be decent) so we got talking and he was very sweet, promised me all sorts BS as I call it all now. But anyway I discovered that he'd been watching porn on his comp at home after just 3 months into our marriage, the first time I came across it I was shocked, and thought maybe it was a mistake??
But that was me being silly of course it wasn't, he was into porn as day after day I would find dirty websites that he had visited in his history so one day I plucked up the courage to ask him. And he got soooooooo angry and said 'how dare you snoop around my things when I'm at work!'
And then lied about not watching porn saying that sometimes you get pop-ups and even if you click on the cross at the top the screen still comes up... which I didn't buy.
And after that his behavior started changing he would be on his computer all day.. sometimes all night telling me his doing some work for his brothers business. I would have to beg him to spend anytime with me and when we did go out for the day he would spoil it for me by arguing.
If he was with me just for an hour he would find a way to wind me up and then argue and run to his computer...
But that's all in the past now as I have left him and its been 4 weeks and in all this time he hasn't got in touch with me at all.
So my sister my advice to you is that your way too good for him, if he wants to watch porn let him you deserve someone better and you will get someone better in your life who will treat you the way you should be treated.
Be strong even though its hard at times and I know it is hard but think of your future, you can't be having children with someone like him can you?
'time is a healer'
'every separation is an opportunity'
I wish you all the best
Tc