Hi,
I am 40, divorced with 3 teens and have been dating a 45 yr old divorced man, also with teens for 5 months now. At first things were good, I thought we were compatible and could have something long term. He was very attentive, thoughtful, kind and we got along really well. His constant attention has turned to obsession with texts, messages, calls many many times a day and it was suffocating me. He wanted to move the relationship along much faster than myself, talking about marriage and long term commitment after only a month or so. I ended it just after Xmas after I decided that it was all too much too soon for me and that he was too full on.
He refused to accept that it was over with constant phone calls and calling at my house, begging me to take him back and saying that he wished he were dead etc. I agreed to talk to him as he made me feel very guilty with the things he said. He said that he would change and slow things down if it meant I would give him another chance, and I did because I missed his company and thought he deserved a 2nd chance. That was about a month ago, he hasn't changed at all, in fact he is probably worse. He has started saying weird stuff about him feeling inferior to me because I earn more than he does (its never even crossed my mind!). He makes things up to make me feel sorry for him or guilty and I have caught him out a few times - he just laughs it off and says he was 'joking'. Anyway, I have decided over the last week that he is definitely not the long term partner I had hoped for. How can I end this softly and with minimum bad consequences - he is not stable, he will be angry and I am scared of his reaction. I don't know what to do for the best.
Many thanks in advance.

First of all,what are you scared of?
Do you think he may turn into a stalker?
At the first sign of any such behaviour you should report him to the proper authorities.
I mention this as he seemed to have bombarded you with texts etc when you first broke up with him and he also used emotional blackmail to get you back.

As for breaking up with him,you can only tell him the truth,it is not working for you and you want to call it off.
Then you go no contact with him,no calls,texts-no communication at all.
You don't contact him -you don't accept his calls or reply to his texts.

There is no soft way to do this-you have got to bite the bullet and end it.
Best of luck.

He's had his second chance,and you still feel the same.

End it,and I would think,in no uncertain terms, not mean but make it clear its not up for discussion.

Probably best to have someone close by,just in case he becomes nasty.

Also,as amicon said,don't be afraid to take extra care when going to work or out and about,or calling the police if he is persistent.

Change your number or block him.

NO CONTACT, is very important,particularly with this guy,any bone you throw he will take it as a way back in.

No friendship! No nothing!

It might take some time,but he will go away,he will get the message,but you have to be firm.

Also,he may try to use your children to get to you,let them know its over and not to entertain him,via text,or phone.

Yes, he will use the children to get to me, he did this last time. Its not so much the telling him its over that bothers me, it's the fact that I know he will not take no for an answer. I wouldn't be surprised if he refused to leave my house and I know that if I took the easy route and told him over the phone, he would be at my door like a shot, banging on it. Its as though I need a good plan, more for the kids sake - I don't want them to be in the thick of it all when it erupts.

If that's the kind of behaviour you expect,the easy route would be best.
Then if he turns up outside your door,the next step would be calling the police if he refuses to leave.

Make sure you have friends around and stay safe.
He sounds like a nightmare.
I hope it goes well.
Take care.

Fair enough.

Then somewhere else, but with a friend close by.

If you think he will come to the house,then let everyone know he is not to be let inside.

As hard as it is not to involve your children,if they are old enough to understand what's going on,let them know.

Also,a word in the ear of your local police will help.

If he starts trouble at your door,you can call them and they will come.

I know what its like trying to rid yourself of someone...

Took me 6 months and eventually a court order,hopefully that won't happen to you.

Do not entertain him at the door,no is your answer,no talking,no cups of tea,no nothing,he will get the message,but it might take some time.

I actually got a Facebook friend request from my ex,I ignored the request and reported his post to the site...

End it,will might get rough,but the sooner you do,the sooner he will be gone.

Be careful going to work, shops etc,he if shows up,call the police.

It might sound extreme,but sometimes people act irrational during breakups.

I doubt you can avoid any drama from this fellow, but agree with the other posters, that precautions should be taken.

Messy or not, you have to end it, and protect yourself.

Maybe a stern warning to leave you alone is in order.

" I want to end this, and don't want any more contact with you ever again! If You can't respect that, then you will be talking to the cops! Your second chance is over, GOOD BYE!!"

I have to agree with everyone else. This guy may not be stable but do you know what else he's not: your problem!

You have been more than fair, you are both adults, sometimes things just don't work out.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you want out and then go NC, if he turns up get the police.

With a guy that is already obsessive you need to be as clear as possible, any crumb of hope will keep him holding on.

As far as the kids go, send them to stay at a friends or family member's house for the night so they won't be involved.

Stay safe though, try to see if a friend could stay with you for the night.

Meet in a public place like a coffee shop or restaurant. Keep it simple and tell him that the relationship is over, and there is no chance for anything further to happen.

An obsession can turn into behaviour that, even with the slightest acknowledgement from you, turn into more and more bad behaviour. He's the type that will be on a mission to win you back.

Block him from your phone, any social networking things that you do. Beware that the more you shut him down, the harder he may try. If he contacts you at work, inform your boss immediately. Tell your children that they are not to communicate with him, and why.

Keep track of everything. Every time he tries to contact you- dates, times. If he follows you, calls your children, contacts your friends, record it in a notebook.

Go to the police if anything starts happening, and request a restraining order if you have to.

Maybe none of this will be necessary, but I get the impression that he's very thick in the head, and obsessive and self-absorbed.

Better safe than sorry.

Take the easy way and then if he shows up at your door, tell him to leave your house immediately or you will call the cops. If he doesn't leave then, call the cops.

Well, I finally plucked up the courage to tell him but I ended up doing it in the middle of an argument. He was really angry and very verbally aggressive towards me but he went and I have had not made any contact since, despite lots of calls and texts from him, its been a week now. The strange thing is that I am actually missing him even though it could have never worked out because of his temperament and odd personality. My friends say it's the attention and being in a relationship that I am missing.Not him. I am sometimes tempted to have a quick reply when he contacts me. I feel confused and a bit lonely and empty, especially since the short 6 months we were together were intense.

I think your friends are right, you miss the attention and intense good feelings a lot more than you miss him.

Stay No Contact, and keep ignoring him until he quites bothering you, and even that will fade, as you find other things of interest to focus on.

Listen to your friends, I think they are right.

Don't break the no contact,its much the most quick way to get over this.

Good luck.

Read over your first post again,remember why you felt it needed to be over,even when the worst relationships are over,you need to adjust.

An intense relationship can leave you a little reeling,the good and the bad times blend,but if you do contact him it won't be long before your back at square one.

Stay strong,take the support from your friends,keep busy and good for you for finding the courage to end it.

Sorry to keep harping on about this but I have never been in a situation like this in my life. I text him mid-week after he wouldn't stop calling and texting even though I ignored them all. I just re-affirmed my position 'I don't want to see you anymore, I have nothing more to say so please stop contacting me'. It didn't work, he is still calling/texting everyday. The latest, this morning, 'you can't ignore me forever'. I have to be a witness in a court case for him later in the year as he was assaulted whilst we were going out - yes, I felt at risk when it happened and this was just one of the reasons things went down hill too, his mouth got him into that predicament. He is demanding reasons I broke up with him, will it help or hinder the process if I contact him and explain?
By the way, after the way he has been behaving since I broke up with him, I am adament I do not want him back and have already began to get back to normality. Even my kids say I appear happier !
Thank you for all your help, it is appreciated.

Time to contact your solicitor and ask them to write him a letter telling him to cut all contact with you.
Write down times and dates when he has contacted you.
I hope you have saved your messages where you tell him not to keep in touch.

This is harassment and you should get a restraining order if he doesn't stop.

As for the courtcase,are you a witness for the prosecution?

Contact Victim Support and ask to have one of their volunteers support you during the trial.

On the day,you can demand to wait your turn in a separate waitingroom from his and you should be allowed to testify from behind a screen or over a videolink so that you won't have to see the ex.

Stay strong and take care.

I'd keep a log of his attempts to contact you, but DON"T CONTACT HIM!!

Any little response his gets out of you just verifies to him that he's "getting to you", and he will keep on and on with it. To be free of him you have to avoid any acknowledgement or conversation with him.

His behaviour is worthy of a restraining order. The man has no 'off' button, and any contact from you, will only have him think he's making headway.

I suspect that as his court date gets closer, his behaviour will only get worse, as you are a witness- for him. He will be constantly looking for reassurance that you are going to do/say what he expects of you in court.

It cannot be ignored that he needs you (in his own mind) for more than the upcoming court trial as well. His behaviour is bordering on extreme, especially when it goes on long past the breakup. Because he cannot accept 'no', I encourage you to think about your own safety here, and use whatever legal means you can to protect yourself.

Well he wouldn't leave me alone, despite no contact from me. He was threatening to call at my house for his stuff so I had to text and tell him not to do that as I didn't want to see him. I have changed my mobile phone number, blocked his number from my house phone and had to pay BT for anonymous call reject as he kept phoning and withholding his number. I have also blocked his email address. That was last weekend and he has no way of contacting me now, other than ringing my house phone from a different number. I will not answer if I do not recognise the number (I have also signed up for caller display). I have had absolute zero contact from him for a blissful 5 days now - the longest since our break up, but this is only because he can't contact me.
Today, I have posted everything I could find of his to his address. I am totally dreading going to court - not because of me having to testify but because I will see him !
My emotions are still - even after a month - all over the place, I feel guilty, sad and slightly depressed. I have gone from being single for two years to an intense 6 month relationship to being single again and I am not handling it well - mentally. I'm trying to be happy, get out to the gym, swimming, working but I don't feel like I am moving on that much. How long will it take? I feel as though I may not have closure and begin to move on until after the court hearing - that could be months away.

So what's the situation regarding the court case?
Did you read my previous post re witnesses' rights?

Is it Magistrates or Crown Court?

Surely the case must have been both fasttracked and gone the first round by now.
Its been months.

All you can do is keep on doing what you are doing, and remember why you are doing it. Try not to be forced into that place where the reasons for splitting, are outweighed by the good times, and I'm sure there were some.

You might get a diary, and jot down your thoughts when you are feeling you aren't making any headway. As long as you keep busy and stay your ground, these feelings will eventually disappear.

You are doing the right thing, but I urge you to remain cautious, you've had a bit of a break from him, but he is still the same person, and if he sees an opportunity to contact you, he will.

I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to get some legal advice before the upcoming court date. You will most likely be asked, in detail, what happened on the night he was assalted (and show how he contributed to the assault), in which case, he could step up his connection with you thinking you will make him appear to be innocent.

Also discuss with your lawyer, your fear of having to face him again, because of his behaviour with you after the split (particularly). Many lawyers will offer a free consultation so you have nothing to lose.

Your feelings of guilt, sadness and depression are normal after a breakup, especially when you have a man manipulating you. Remember that is part of how an abuser operates- control, control control. It isn't you he is interested in, it is himself.

My opinion is that people like that are incapable of giving love, and respecting anyone who doesn't comply with what they expect in a relationship. Your continued denial of contact will upset him, but for all the wrong reasons. Hopefully, he will go in a different direction, and sadly, he'll likely also repeat history.

Be careful, and be strong.

I have to be a witness in a court case for him later in the year as he was assaulted whilst we were going out - yes, I felt at risk when it happened and this was just one of the reasons things went down hill too, his mouth got him into that predicament.

He should leave you alone when he gets his stuff, and a letter to his lawyer with the truth, will have him thinking second thoughts about you testifying in his behalf.

Or a simple letter to him threatening to tell the truth about how he instigated everything, and thats what you will testify to, if he doesn't leave you alone, may make him leave you alone. I don't know, but for sure play timid to his intimidations, will only embolden him to keep doing it. Got any older brothers, or male friends? You better be careful though, as this idiot won't let go easily, without a good smash to his ego. He bares watching.

The incident happened mid February and it will be going to Crown Court. The police have said that it will likely go to Crown Court as it is too serious offence for Magistrates. I don't even know what the offenders have been charged with. I did read your previous post about victim support and do intend to go to them for help when I know what is going on for sure - dates etc, thank you. I am a prosecution witness. I witnessed my ex-boyfriend get beaten up by two drunken men and I had to call the police and run for help - it was horrendous. It is a long story but I think the whole incident could have been avoided if he hadn't intervened in what was their argument and I felt that he compromised my safety by getting involved. Having said that he didn't deserve the injuries he received.

He ended up in hospital with a fractured shoulder, broken cheek bone and bruises etc. I nursed him for two weeks after until he was feeling better. That's why I feel so guilty, I finished with him shortly after this all happened because I decided I couldn't take his angry temperament any longer.

I am also worried if the fact that I don't want to see him at Court will be picked up on by the defence and go against him. I don't want to antagonise him or ruin the case for him. The police have already took witness statements from him and myself. Thanks.

You could contact them now as they will communicate your feelings of discomfort to the CPS.

The way things usually run,I think this will go to trial some time in May.

While he may have contributed to being a loudmouth, nobody goes around asking to be beaten up. Unless they see that as an opportunity to sue people. Reminds me of the prosecution of a man who would jump in front of a moving car, and sue in court for the driver being negligent. My imagination gets carried away sometimes, just a thought.

Life doesn't stop because he has problems. You don't owe him anything. That he turned out the way he did once you got to know him, would have, and could have happened at any time during the relationship, regardless of the incident now going to court.

I don't know how much bearing your experiences with him now will affect the outcome of his trial, although that is probably worrying him more than anything else, thus the constant contact. If he thinks he's lost you, and also lost you as his 'proof' or witness, is the part that worries me. But that is not your problem. Your concern needs to be on your safety, both prior to, during, and after court is done with.

I still think it would be prudent of you to speak to a lawyer, independent of anyone you have already officially talked to, and expain the changes since you gave your statement, and your concerns about his behaviour, and your reluctance to testify against him. (even though, as you said, he didn't deserve to be beaten). A lawyer will be able to help you and guide you toward detaching yourself emotionally from this man, and seeing a clear path of options for you.

A friend of mine had to testify in a trial against a man accused of her husband's murder. You can imagine her reluctance. She had been given both a victim support worker and police protection.

The truth is what it is, and I hope that you put your peace of mind and safety ahead of what possible consequences he could suffer as a result. Your relationship with him, I hope, would be independent of what will be presented in court.

If he ends up being a stalkerish kind of man.
Take care of it, by getting restrictions, you know?
Your life, COULD be at risk,\
You need to tell him, I gave you another chance, and I didn't see anything different, it seemed to get worse, I'm sorry.
If he says he wishes he was dead.. well most people say that after a breakup to guilt someone into feeling bad. Just say I am sorry for doing this but I want what is best for me, and you.

If you have business to handle suck it up, and do the right thing. But he doesn't get to harass you for it.

Cope with your feelings. Getting facts of the case is a good step.