How does one do it?

My girlfriend (23) of one year has just been honest with me about her sexual history. She previously told me the figure was 20 (far too high in my opinion) but I found that the real number is almost 40 people. Roughly two thirds guys, the other third women. Four threesomes have been involved.

All but a small number were one night stands, the last being after we met (with a random guy, unprotected, drunk in a public toilet in a bar), but before we started a "relationship".

She says that her becoming gay has been a late transition. She came out as bisexual years ago, but claims to have been gay for the past 2-3 years, even though she has slept with at least 5/6 guys since then (and a whole bunch of girls). I find it so hard to accept that she is actually gay.

She says that since the age of 19/20 she has never had sex with a guy sober and that she is filled with "regret and disgust", yet it continued to happen. She says that she can have sex and not feel anything in the past (before me) and didn't have an orgasm until she was 22 (she is now 23).

She still has contact with quite a few of the people / Facebook etc and even is friends with some people in person. We were even going to move in with one of the guys until I found out that they had previously had a sexual relationship. She wasn't going to tell me but decided to at the last minute. This isn't the first time she withheld from me that she had sexual histories with friends that I have met.

She has not ever had an STD test (too scared) and of course now I am worried about my own health. I have given her an ultimatum of having a (FULL) test or I am leaving. I also want her/us to seek counselling as I think that is an important part of moving forward, however she doesn't think she has a problem (anymore).
She is not out to her parents but is planning on telling her father next month.

She does have a history of repeated voilence inflicted upon her as a child by her mother (her mother once broke a broom over her) so maybe this is part of the issue.

What really annoys me is that even now she does not have the maturity to realise that she needs an STD test, rather saying she will do it because I want her to. Also, she does not think she needs counselling but will do it for me.

I don't see how we can possibly move forward without a) a full std/aids test b) her talking to a professional about her past.

The relationship otherwise is great, she has changed her ways with my positive influence but how the hell do I get over this and continue the relationship? Not just the visuals in my head but how do I regain trust?

Its not so far fetched to do whatever a partner wants to stay in a relationship. She obviously has issues to work through, and that may take years. The same goes for you to as you also have a few issues to work through, and maybe counseling will help you also. There are no quick fixes for either of you so be prepared to devote a long time finding your solutions.

Counseling for you both!

The problems you state in your post are not insurmountable,but your girlfriends lack of maturity is frightening...

She knowingly risked your LIFE! By having unprotected sex with you without first reveling her not having had an std test.

In this day and age that's unforgivable in my book.

The next thing is,under your influence? You might be a stand up guy but your not her parent.

Can you clarify now if she is gay,bi or straight?

Does she know?

She sounds very confused,scared and in need of councilling on her own.

She may be 23 but from your post it sounds like she has the maturity of a 14 year old.

Normally I would say what ever happened in the past stays in the past,accept and move on with the relationship.

But,and this is a massive but,the red flags here are too many to count in a short post.

My advice,walk away from this,get tested and hope to god your tests come back clean.

Thanks for your comments so far. There is no doubt that counselling is going to be an integral part of us moving forward if we do.

To be honest I don't see a problem with the way that she has acted in the past because it is just that the past.

Really it is only a number as far as sexual partners go. There is no good and bad. Everyone finds their solutions to problems they don't want to deal with in their own way, although it is not the most mentally stabilizing solution, it seems that she was honest with these people on what the relationship was.

As far as the bi/gay question it really does seem that this girl is not on solid ground with this. But that is her journey. Whether she is gay or bi really shouldn't be an issue for you as long as she is faithful to you while you are together and she is definitely attracted to women.

Now, on the far other hand, it is a big deal as far as STI checks go. She needs to get checked, sooner rather than later. Now, in fact. Not only for her sake and yours, but also she may be able to contact others, should she have an infection/disease to stop this spreading further.

By all means support her on it, try to get her into counseling. Although, have you heard the saying 'You can bring a horse to water but you can't force it to drink'. The first step really needs to be with her, she needs to see a problem because if it is based on you then should you leave does the reasoning behind her behaviour leave too?

You aren't her guardian. It seems that she needs one. She seems very confused and really is just looking to say the right thing at the right time regardless of the truth. It isn't a very good foundation for a relationship, is it? You know you say the relationship otherwise is great but you don't feel you can trust her, you don't know when she is being honest, you both are on very different maturity plains...

I think in a relationship there is nearly always one person that is more responsible. But when, and it seems it here, that is nearly if not totally one sided, there is an issue. The relationship changes from one of love and companionship to guardianship.

I am on the fence on whether to leave I think that this girl needs help and support while she deals with her past/issues and in a relationship we take the bad with the good, but that is all well and good but if you are the only one giving love and support, well you'll end up feeling drained and alone, and burdened. If she is not at the maturity level that you are at it makes the relationship, even without issues very hard, but coupled with the baggage she is bringing to the table can it really work?

Guess you are the only one that can definitively answer that.

I think the STD issues have been covered above. Counseling would also be a good idea. She sounds like an unhappy person in general, but perhaps you have and are changing that. I would like to think so.

As to her varied and colorful history...

When you sleep with her I can't imagine you are thinking of the ghosts of lovers past; so just because she has had more of them won't mean she is any less 'with you'.
I see no reason once health and underlying psychological causes are dealt with why a multitude of lovers should affect your relationship.

An Update:

All STD and AIDS tests have been done with one positive result:

High Risk HPV (strain 58 which is incredibly rare). When she got her results back her doctor informed her that she tested positive in 2007 for HPV 58 but as there was no cervical dysplasia everything was fine (Stupid doctor) Now, she has mild dysplasia.

We of course have been arguing about whether she has infected me and at one stage when I asked her if she regretted her past she said not all of it. Of course I regret who ever gave me HPV... I think she is emotionally retarded.


I'm awaiting my results for HPV.

I'm going against the grain, but I don't think I could be with someone who has constantly lied to me, and then knowingly put MY life at risk. All the other details are small in my eyes, but if you want to stick it out, you have to let go of her past and move on in the future and seek some counseling for you and her