Dear all,

Please help me with your ideas.. Here goes my story

It has been just one year since we have got married. It was a love marriage, and our love journey towards marriage was like an Indian Movie with lots of ups and dows due to family issues.

However, everything was cool at the time of our marriage and we have entered into a peaceful marriage with the blessings of both parents.

To my bad luck, I had to take over a position in another country just after 2 weeks of our marriage. Initially I didn't like the plan, as I didn't want to leave him right after the marriage. But my husband convinced me and made me accept this offer, as they offered me a wondeful salary as well as a great vacation package which I can enjoy once in a month to travel to my country.

Though we have married for 1 year, we have actually lived together for less than 2 months. On the other hand, my husband never takes any initiatives to call me or mail me when I am far from him, nor responds my calls/mails. I had to try at least 5 times a day to contact him, as he always misses my calls and says silly reasons like busy, travelling, sleeping etc...

He forces me to send my salary to his account, as he wants money to make some financial decisions (investment, housing etc.. ) but, he has never shared any of his financial decision with me - I always hear from outsider that my husband has started this and that, but never from him.
Neither he hides things from me, nor informs me anything.

These issues have created some tiffs in our family life. After having spent many months on discussing my issues with my husband with pains and vains, now I have started confronting him for my rights.

I too want to start a family life with him as I am already 30+ and have waited so long to marry this man. Now I don't want to work in this alien country one more year for my husband. I clearly told him that I want to join him and will find a job in our country, but he is not in terms with my idea.

Whenever I speak anything about this, he starts fighting with me and threatned to leave me. Earlier, I used to bend backwards to keep up this marriage, but now I have realised that I must learn to say NO to correct my marriage. So, I had a fight with him last night and that made both of us to keep silence throughout the day. No call, no mail no communication at all. This is strage, as we have never spent a day like this.

Also, what pissed off me was that my husband has started to tell about my faults with our parents. I have never told anyone about his pressures and threatnings, rather accepted all his taunts alone and bended backward to work out our marriage.

His reactions shows me that he loved my money only and not me... I can recall some of our past incidents to validate my thought. But at that time I didn't take them seriousely. Also he doesn't show any affections towards me (but of course he did care for me when we lived together during vacations).

I am confusing.. As of today, we are not in communicating terms. I am angry on him, and don't want to continue my job here while my marriage is going towars no where.

Please advice... how can I move on?

Try not to make any major decisions while you are angry, hurt, and confused.

You have only been married a short while, and actually lived together for only two months. On top of that you are in a different country, he is a poor communicator, and you get very little information from him.

Any marriage goes through major ups and downs, particularly in the beginning, with all the things you have mentioned. Family relationships, finances, goals and aspirations, responsibilities, communication, and on and on.

I cannot see while you are away, that any of the issues you have will be resolved.

When you have the next vacation, you will need to sit down and talk and have your thoughts and feelings and questions out there, face to face, and he will as well. Talk and listen.

It's too soon to throw in the towel in my opinion.

When you have the next vacation, you will need to sit down and talk and have your thoughts and feelings and questions out there, face to face, and he will as well. Talk and listen.

It's too soon to throw in the towel in my opinion.

Thanks for your response. I know, it is too early to decide anything.

Every time when he is in his good mood, I have tried to sit him down and explained about all my concerns. Manytimes our conversation ends up with arguments, fights, as he rarely give priorities to my concers, but sometimes he does understands/or pretends to understand and says that he will change from that point onwards and reasons out for his mistakes. But nothing has changed in reality.

He tends to avoid my talks with the fear that I may start questioning... He is not ready to have an open convesation with me.

He and his dad are the same. Both wants money than family relationships. He will be happy as long as I am earning like this.. But I am also a human being with wishes and wants, that he doesn't want to consider.

Perhaps the first step to gaining some control and autonomy is to redirect your salary earnings to a bank account which is in your name. I think you may need to establish some financial and emotional independence in your marriage - and it sounds as if this is what you've also decided to do.

However, I wouldn't be too hasty in deciding what to do with your marriage. You're both angry at the moment, and I totally agree with Jake, this is not a good position from which to make decisions.

The main thing that struck me about your post is that your marriage is still so young, and that you really don't know each other. You haven't lived together or learnt to negotiate the ups and down that are a natural part of a marriage relationship.

I suggest that you may need to consider finding work in your home country (or your husband come to where you are). I'm sure the salary is attractive where you are now, but it sounds as if the sacrifices you're making - in relation to you marriage - are too great.

The things that are happening between you at the moment can't be negotiated from a distance. You need to learn how to talk to each other and how to make decisions together. You can't do this if you're apart. Open conversations are a part of marriage - if your husband wants to be married, then he may not have a choice.

I don't believe that your marriage is in vain, you just need to reconnect and find that love that you have for each other.

OK... I agree with both of you. Thanks for your response.

Well, we had an heated argument (of course no abusive words) 2 days before. On which I tried to explain him that I need a family life and can't go on and on like this in this country. I also promised him that I will try my best to find a job in my country with more or less equal salary (which is possible I am sure). For this, he got angry and said we can't live together at this moment, and that will lead in to separation. He always threatned me saying this word separation by knowing my weakness for his love.

I asked, then for what reason did u marry me at the first place if you think we can't live under one roof and that could lead to separation. He said he needs time to settle down in his profession and some other things now. Also he said, if I quite my job and come back to my country, then he will find some job in abroad and move out. I really don't know what he means by this?

When I ask questions about this, he gets angry and disconnect the line.

However, I didn't leave him alone, so continued to call him again and again to make him understand my feelings. Finally he gave in, and said whatever my decsion in this regard would be OK with him. But he didn't say this happily, or whole heartedly, that I could learn from his behaviour.

On the same night when I asked him for a final answer, he said he doesn't want to prolong this topic. Got angry and said he is not responsible for the consequenses of my resigination.

I felt bad, and told him that I will never talk to him once again... He too didn't call me back.

It has been 2 days since there is no communication between us... Hope you all understand my feelings

Might be a good idea for you to as Gemini says, to have your income directed into your own bank account, that he cannot access.

He is so money orientated that that will surely get his attention, and perhaps you can use that as a bargaining tool to get him to talk.

His behaviour is very odd, and extreme.

Hmmm. He's threatening to move out if you move in? He's saying he needs time to adjust before he can be a husband to you?

He sounds like a bully and it seems as if he's trying to push you away and blame you for wanting, perfectly reasonably, to return home and live together as husband and wife.

This man does not seem to have your marriage as a priority in his life - in fact, it doesn't even sound as if he likes you very much!

Time to pay him a visit. (Don't tell him you're coming.) Time to create your own bank account. Time for you to talk to your family about what is going on.

I am really worried now... Because I still love him so much. I have been waiting for 5 years for this marriage to happen.. During all these times he gave me various excuses like his parents are not settled, etc...

Now I am 30, and lokking fwd to start a family after all these waiting. But now he says we are not settled and need time to adjust. I really can't understand.

He is filled with his thoughts and views, hence he doesn't want to listen to me at all.

Now also, I am suffering alone without hearing his voice during these two days, but I am sure he will be enjoying his days without my calls.

I didn't tell anything to my family about this yet.. But two days before after our arguments, he told my brother to warn me.. Means, ask me to stop calling him continousely. From that, my family senses that there has been something going on between us. So apparently my brother has asked him to plan for a family life immediately as it has been a long waiting for me to live a reasonable life. He agreed to my brother it seems.

I am confusing... If he is not loving me, then why should l waste my entire life for this guy.. I have already wasted 6 of my precious years just by waiting for him to marry and live with me?!

If he is not loving me, then why should l waste my entire life for this guy..

I'm wondering the same thing.

Ok... Now tell me please... As a final check... How can I find out whether this guy is still loving me or not before I make a firm decision.

Please note: We are not in talking terms since day before yesterday. Do you think that I should break the Ice this time as usual or let him to come back to me?

Will he ever come back or leave me like this??

I don't know, but I think you need to visit him.

He has been resistant to the idea of marriage, and it seems, married you reluctantly and under pressure.

This does not sound like the foundation for a happy marriage, or the foundation to bring children into the world.

Is there any point continuing if he doesn't love you?