I won't lie, I used to be a very terrible person. While separated (not legally) but still married, I had a wild streak and slept with multiple people. My husband and I reconciled shortly afterward and a few months later I found out I was pregnant. He knew of the infidelity but since we had reconciled, we chose to put it in the past and try to be a family. He went as far as putting his name on the birth certificate so that "our" son would have a father.

Less than a month after my son was born, he decided family life wasn't "his thing" after all and we legally separated. He knew my son wasn't his and wanted to break ties from everything so in the separation paperwork, he gave me full custody and care of my son.

However, when it came time to file divorce paperwork, our lawyer ("my" lawyer but the only one we used, it was a non-contested divorce) decided the best route was for us to do a paternity test (which ruled my husband out as the father) and therefore my son wasn't even mentioned in our divorce paperwork since, in his wording of the law, we technically had no children together. My ex-husband has not once had any contact with my son since the separation and made it very clear that he never wants to. I haven't seen him since the paperwork was filed all those years ago and I honestly have no idea where he is or where to even start looking for him.

When my son was barely 2, I met an amazing man who changed mine and my son's life. We now have 3 children and my son is now 7 years old and is the most wonderful, happy child. This man is the only father he has ever known. He's military but I'm not so our "residency" is different. He's a resident of his "home" state (TX) while I'm a resident of the state we are currently stationed (NV).

I've been doing research on the process to have my current husband adopt my son but I'm confused about which state we need to file with and how to get this process started. Do we have to go about the process of attempting to contact my ex-husband just because he's listed on the birth certificate even though we have paternity information that shows he's not the father? Do you have any tips for me on how to get through this without ripping my hair out? I want this to be as painless as possible for my son as well as keep us out of enormous debt in the process (although it will be worth every penny, so I'm not ruling it out).

Wow, so sorry for the ramble. I just read through a lot of posts on here and there were always follow-up questions so I didn't want to leave anything out. Thanks for any tips any of you can provide.

I am startled that your husband was on the child's birth certificate but the child is not mentioned in the divorce - I have NEVER heard of anything like this and I worked in a divorce law firm.

At any rate - you have to resolve the issue of paternity before you do anything. I would advise you to get the consent of your "ex," allowing your "current husband" to adopt the child.

Sure sounds like a rip your hair out situation - and ultimately I believe you are going to need an Attorney.

As I said - I've never heard of anything like this. This is one reason I recommend two Attorneys, one for each party, when there's a divorce. What State was this?

And as far as your past - everybody makes mistakes and there's no need to explain.

YOU need an attorney.

You need to know if there is a legal father named, since your ex-husband seems to be NOT the legal father.

If one is not named, or your ex is discounted due to DNA, you probably need to find out who the biological father actually IS, and get him to sign off on it.

Adoption is extremely complicated, even step-parent adoption.

No, you don't need a lawyer for it--but you don't NEED a doctor to set a bone, either.

Fact is, it wasn't something that I even thought twice of. I was so naïve about the whole divorce process but I had paid so much for the divorce and paternity testing in the process that I just assumed that's how things work. My ex wasn't even going to divorce me, he was just going to leave and never look back. He refused to get his own attorney, even after mine advised him that he should. It was all I could do just get him to take the 5 minutes to sign the paperwork.

We were divorced in OK because that was my residence at the time. Thanks JudyKayTee, for the advice. I don't know how I'm going to find him after all these years but I'm going to try. I'm still not sure which state we should hire an attorney in but hopefully someone can give me some insight into that.

Since you are the custodial and legal parent, you should hire an attorney in your state.

You might also check with JAG about this--the military is usually very good about helping with family law situations.

This is a very seroius issue, since legally on the birth certificate he is still the father and actually obligated to pay child support, ( even if not the bio father) in fact if he does not contest within a certain time frame in some state, and can't even contest in others, he would remain the father even if he is not.

But also in some states the real bio father may have rights that he can file for.

It is such a mess and personally apperas to be handled so badly, you need a lawyer that is a specialist in family law to review it all.

Fact is, it wasn't something that I even thought twice of. I was so naive about the whole divorce process but I had paid so much for the divorce and paternity testing in the process that I just assumed that's how things work. My ex wasn't even going to divorce me, he was just going to leave and never look back. He refused to get his own attorney, even after mine advised him that he should. It was all I could do just get him to take the 5 minutes to sign the paperwork.

We were divorced in OK because that was my residence at the time. Thanks JudyKayTee, for the advice. I don't know how I'm going to find him after all these years but I'm going to try. I'm still not sure which state we should hire an attorney in but hopefully someone can give me some insight into that.



When you hire an Attorney he/she will take care of finding and notifying your "ex." If all else fails the Attorney can get a Court Order to serve by publication (in a newspaper).

Please come back, stay in touch, let us know how this works out.

Good luck.