so my fiancé and I have been together for only 8 months, I am 7 months pregnant with our first child and I have never felt more alone. He goes out to the bar, is involved in karate, boxing, music, and plus hangs out with friends often outside of the house. And his work takes up all of his life. He works long hours usually going in the early evening and working until early hours of the morning (like 4,5 am). I'm dying for companionship with my fiancé and some attention. Minus all of the pregnancy feelings on top of it all! We were living together (recently decided to live seperately), and while we were living together I often felt like I had a room mate not a partner. I joke with him all the time and tell him do you even realize that I'm pregnant. He doesn't help me around the house unless I beg him - and it's only little things like taking out the garbage, since it can be to heavy for me at times... and it's usually accopanied by exaggerated sighs and complaints... "im so tired, ive been working all day, i dont feel like coming home and doing housework." I feel so alone I can't stand it any more. There have been several times where I have cried my eyes out to him telling him that I really want some of his attention just a hug and a kiss or him holding me in bed. I get nothing except him being defensive. I'm so afraid that he will just get "fed up" and leave me if it continues like this. It's now been decided that we will not live together anymore, temporarily. Partly for financial reasons, and partly to give us some time to straighten out personal issues on our own individual ends. In some ways I feel like this is the best idea possible... especially if we want our relationship to work.. (things were rushed, we had only been together a short period when we found out I was pregnant, and although we were already in love and very close, and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we both have agreed that we should have taken things at a better pace.. done some things differently) And while I agree, I can't help but feel abandoned in a sense. We are still together, still engaged, and happy for the most part in that area... he is still very excited about our baby (although petrified), and takes me to prenatals, etc... but I feel like he just gets to "run away" in a sense... take all the good, and not be around for the bad. He can come pick me up "whenever he has time" and take me out on dates, or whatever, and when the baby is born (in 2 months), he can come and go as he pleases... but it just feels like he can have his cake and eat it too... while I'm left with all the baking, preparing, and putting all this hard work and effort into this beautiful cake, he comes over and devours it... and then I'm left with all the dirty dishes and massive clean up... while he just walks out the door with a content, oblivious smile on his face. I feel so alone. I feel like he feels "free-er" now that we're not living together anymore. I've always thought that he is kind of caught in between two worlds... the "solo-care free, bachelor life" and the "husband, father, family life" I feel like he wants to want the family life, but a part of him can't let go of his old life. He is 24 years old, which I understand is young... but I feel like it should also be old enough to grow up and take some responsibility. Yes it's hard, and yes some scarifices must be made... but there's such rich benefits! I mean, I wasn't planning on getting pregnant, either. I am young, was in school, and working towards a doctorate degree. Now, I've had to give up (or at least post pone) all my dreams, and plans. He is still pretty "free" , at least compared to myself. And I feel so awful, guilty, and ashamed for thinking/feeling these things! I mean, I'm so happy to be having this beautiful baby, really I am, but it's so confusing. One minute he is so stoked to be a father, and loves me so much, and treats me like a princess... the next he's "aloof," and it's like I'm just the pregnant woman who waits for him to come home so she can cater to him and all of his needs... having delicious meals on the table ready for him when he comes home, cleaning up after him and doing his laundry, making love to him, and carrying his child. I used to be such a strong, independent, confident woman. And now, I feel like I have lost myself. I feel helpless, humiliated, vulnerable. I am so lonely, and feel as though I have lost every shred of dignity or pride that I ever possessed. I feel like he looks down on me now, that I am no longer his equal. I have become so insecure, and so incredibly lonely. I long for companionship like we used to have. He was more than just my lover, he truly was my best friend. And now that I'm pregnant, it's like... ive become a burden or something. It's like he's forgotten the girl he fell in love with. I try and tell him and show him that I am STILL that woman he fell in love so long ago... but I don't think he sees that woman anymore. :( It makes me so sad, I long to have what we used to have... and we could, if only he could realize that just because I am pregnant, does not mean I am a different person! I do not know what I am supposed to do. I never saw this coming a year ago. I do not want our child to suffer from any of this. I try to put on a smile during the day but sometimes I can't help but break down. Lately I've just been tip toeing, because I'm to afraid to cause a stir. I feel to exhausted phsyically and emotionally to deal with conflict. Im too afraid. I feel so delicate! He used to call me through out the day, these days I get nothing from him, occaisionally I might get a text message from him (rarely without me texting him first) only for him to talk for aminute and say he has to go "cause he's tired" or "him n the boys are going to work on their music." I don't feel important to him anymore, I don't feel special or loved. Anytime I mention this to him he responds with either "ohh baby, you are my world, you are my everything of course i love you so much, you mean everything to me! im so sorry you feel this way, come here" and he wraps me in his arms... or else he just gets defensive and/or irritated/angry. I would love for him to put some effort into asking me out for dinner or a movie... or even a walk, or a snuggle and a movie... like the effort he puts into his music, and work. And he always complains about money... to the point where he makes me feel like he values money over me. I'm so lost, my world has stopped and the only thing that keeps me going is my baby on the way. I feel so guilty for getting pregnant. I just don't know what to do. In the past I have even suggested married counseling, he makes excuses, and says that I can go by myself. He acts as though he does not want to put forth any type of effort to keep us going... and then the next minute it's all like "ill do anything for us baby." But yet when I ask him if he wants us to end he says no. He's even begged me... I gave him an ultimatum at one point, even wrote a letter to him explaining all these feelings.. and he sobbed like a little boy! Then wrapped me in his arms, and asked me how he could feed my emotionally starved heart... and I saw some real changed and efforts in him... but I feel tehre's no consistency. He's so back and forth. I believe he does love me, and that he does want this... but I don't think he realizes the "cost" of love and a family. He cannot have all of his old life and this one too... and me and our child need to come first... before his guitar, before his work, before his friends... but it's like he wants all the "good" just no responsibility. I don't know, I am so confused! And I love this man so much. He was the first man to make me feel beautiful, valuable, worth something. He made me feel so safe, like the most special girl in the world. And sometimes I see glimpses of that, and those glimpses send me to the top of the world! But it's between those glimpses that I find myself falling. Please help I feel so lonely!!









We’re the first of our friends to get engaged and have kids which I have now learned really sucks.
I have been really lonely lately because everyone is always doing activities that I can’t get involved in since I’m pregnant. My fiancé does not seem to realize that he has been really selfish. He works all day ( he still texts me during the day occasionally, and I’m always worried that, that one thing I have with him will eventually stop) so I’m home cleaning and cooking. (I’m sure in his head he’s thinking you get to stay home and relax and spend time with yourself yadi yadi ya… but it’s not like I enjoy doing these things every day all day.

Then he gets home and usually goes to play guitar.. either that or comes home, showers, and crashes... only to wake up and leave again right away. Onethe weekends when I’m REALLY DYING to spend some quality time with him he ends up getting more guitar, or friends together or something, or extra work for overtime hours, that I end up not being able to do then he gets home and is tired when I’ve been home doing the same thing I do every day.. . Because I don’t know what else to do.

It just sucks we live minutes from his family and in a town he went ot high school in so he has friends. I don’t know many people in this particular town.. and the friends I have here are all young and going to school, starting careers, and making something of themselves... either that or partying endlessly... and the one time I wanted him to see my family (for christmas) after over a year of not seeing my family we plan to go down his first reaction is…
What time are we going there, when will we be leaving, what are we going to be doing where are we going to be sleeping blablabla and he’s worried about missing work, and having nothing, and "going under" and "we're gonna be f***ked" and "i dont wanna go, im gonna hate it." etc. .

Anyway I could go on forever. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest. I don't really have anyone I can talk to... and I'm just so lonely... Sorry I don’t know how to fix the problem other than talking to him but that doesn’t seem to work… it seems impossible for them to understand what it feels like to be pregnant and emotional and tired and lonely and us pregnant women are "just over reacting."

Then if we say anything to them we’re nagging wives that have their husbands “whipped” it’s just been a REALLY hard transition for me. The good thing is he is into the pregnancy and is really excited… he just doesn’t understand that it sucks to be pregnant and I’m lonely.. . And I miss being the couple we were before... I miss shooting hoops, playing football, working out, going to movies, going out on dates, all the fun things we did together. It seems like now I am just a pregnant maid who sits home waiting to get a hug and a kiss just so I can serve dinner and sit by his side while he catches up on whatever is on TV, and his sleep.














I am very tired dealing with this everyday One morning he comes out as understanding husband/lover & next morning he goes into his cold mood. I am only working part time now, used to work full time and made good money. He works hard, but times are still hard (financiallly.) now I see myself reasoning for everything.I am tired... especially lonely, and I am not close to my family... my mother is physically & emotionally abusive, my father has never been a part of my life.. etc. Such an important, beautiful thing in my life(pregnancy) and being part of a "close" family(they are very close to each other.. I am the "outsider"... my sister is 34 and married with 4 kids, my brother 32... and I am only 20.. they share the same father... the same childhood.. and then "i came along and broke their family..."), I cry often after hearing their nasty comments they make to me. In my mind Im afraid that my fiancé is not happy with me and blames me for "ruining his life" Now very rarely I express my cravings for certain food , his immediate response is a no or go by yourself, or something about money... 30 weeks into pregnancy I am diagnosed as underweight and also blessed with insomnia.I am unusually tired to move around with my belly(big for my frame) but I emerge as an "emotional, needy, irrational" woman to my fiancé. His rationale is... you're pregnant, so was my mom and.. what's the big deal? It feels like he doesn't respect me because I am no longer as independent as I once was and cannot bring home very much money anymore. On other hand he says he wishes he could make enough money so that I could just stay home and be a mommy... he says he feels like a failure as a man because he cannot do this. Wish I had someone to talk to, but no one knows the extent of what I am feeling as I don't advertise my problems to them and most of my friends don't talk to often anymore... they are too busy with their own lives.. which I understand. We both want this baby but he never understands that he is the only family I have. He is not ALL ihave... just the only family... and my closest friend. I crave for a hug, kiss or a small massage without asking for it. I wish we could talk about our baby.. or anything... without him reminding me he needs some time for himself.He updates me of all the things that is going wrong in our life, and seems to "forget" all the positive... and he still expects me to be happy and never depressed... I am so worried..

After writing this I somehow feel relieved as if you guys are listening to me.. thanks for letting me share. :)

That's quite a post.. to sum up,your 7 months pregnant,20 years of age,your boyfriend is 24,you have been together less then a year.

You don't get along with your family,you have no friends,and you are in a position where you are totally dependent on a guy who runs hot and cold and would seem not to have a good understanding of the situation.

I have a few questions,are you still living together?

Do you get along with his family? His mother? Its her grandchild coming,could she help you?

Keep all your doctor appointments,if your underweight you need to be monitored.

As for your relationship,its time for your boyfriend to grow up,maybe getting a third party involved (maybe his mother,sister?) will give him the perspective he needs and the kick in the ar*e he needs.

Yeah, sorry. I just started typing, and it all sort of came out.
To sum it up, yeah that's pretty much it. I do have friends, but like I said, they're at very different stages in their lives right now then I am. And I'm not the kind of person who likes to go around "advertising her problems." so I don't talk to them...

We aren't still living together, no. I just recently moved out, and told him we need to live separately for awhile and that I have some boundaries/expectations I need him to follow, and that he needs to follow them if he really does want this...

I don't get along with his family.. his mother is an ex drug addict and an alcoholic.. she thinks he's only with me cause I'm pregnant, and that he's making a "huge mistake" by being with me... apparently she "thinks im a nice enough girl, but doesn't trust me." he's told her that he loves me and that the reason he is with me has nothing to do with the fact that I am pregnant... and that if she can't support him in his relationship with me, then she can not come to the wedding... but yea.
He only has a brother... and his brother isn't a big fan of me either (apparently my fiancé is "whipped, and because of me, he never spends time with anyone else anymore."
His brother is also bitter right now, because a) his wife of one year just left him (he's extremely overwheight, with no job, and stays home and plays WOW all day... ) b) and because when his wife left him I did not feel comfortable with him living with us... despite repeated harassing from both my fiancé and his brother, to let him stay.

As for his mom "helping me", she's less than thrilled about having a grandchild on the way...

I have been doing well with all my doctor's appointments, and doing my best to eat well and stay healthy.

And I agree he needs a kick in the arse (I mean, I need a little consistency.. one minute he's AMAZING, the next minute he's... well.. less than amazing.)
But I'm not sure how to get him that kick in the arse without pushing him over the edge.

When you talk to him,does he listen to you? Do you feel your getting through to him?

You seem very much on your own right now,would you consider trusting one of your friends to talk to,you need emotional support,and before long you might need physical help if your bump is very large.

You seem very strong,your very young and dealing with a lot of responsibility..

You need your partner to step up to the plate and be the man you need,and the father his child needs.

How does he feel about the living arrangements now?

Have you checked into support groups in your area?

When I talk to him, I do feel he listens to me, at least most of the time. The problem is I'm afraid to say it all, does that make sense? I don't want to pour out my heart, all my hurts, and start crying and push him away by seeming too "clingy, or needy"

I did notice that when I wrote him that letter, and just left it in his hands he seemed to respond very well. I did notice a lot of changes and efforts right away, and it seemed pretty genuine. The thing is there was no consistency... he improved drastically for quite awhile... but then slowly it started to fade.
I know that habits and behavioural patterns become ingrained, and they are difficult to break... so I wonder if this is an example of that... or if it is him just "stopping trying/caring," in a sense.. in not sure.

I do feel very much on my own right now, although he is still in my life and we are still a close couple, because he is so engrossed in his work and his music I don't feel I am getting the emotional or physical support I am needing right now... emotional especially.
I mean, I understand he has to work and all... and I know he is trying to work extra hard right now so that when the baby is born he can afford to take some time off... but still, I cannot help but feel neglected.

I have considered talking to one of my friends, and have tried "touching on the subject" a little bit... but I find I wind up feeling embarrassed, and that they give me (This might sounds harsh), sort of, well... to put it bluntly, childish answers. Ex: "what a freaking jerk, leave that guy...seriously, hunni he's a piece of crap and like you can do so much better...just like, go on welfare, they'll payy for you to rent a beautiful basement suite and will take care of you and your baby...and tell him to go screw himself..etc"
I find their answers to be unrealistic, irrational, and childish... also, they are more "hot headed" answers (or so it seems to me) then actual real wisdom/advice.

I mean it isn't simple... like I said, I don't think he is intentionally trying to neglect me... a least I don't think so... it seems to me like he is caught between two worlds, and with the added pressure of trying to provide financially, it seems difficult for him to balance his work life, social life, and love life, in an effective way.

Thank you for your comment about me being strong, I try to be, although I admit lately I've been feeling so weak and vulnerable! Your comment about me being strong has given me a boost!

I am dealing with a lot of responsibility, and I am just trying so hard to do what is right for myself, and my child. It is just really difficult knowing what that is. And I also want to see my fiancé happy as well. Really, I just want to be a family. A healthy, happy family.


He's told me that he misses me a lot, and it's been difficult for him to get used to not having me around at home, but that he sees the benefits of our current living arrangements. I think he's kind of half and half--on one hand, happy that he can focus on his work and getting financially secure, as well as working on some of his own personal issues, and getting as much accomplished (personally and financially) before the baby is born, and on the other hand having a hard time with me being gone, missing me, and feeling like it sucks in that aspect...


I haven't found any support groups, although I have been looking to find some information on support for pregnant women from the local health center.

Keep looking at the local boards for support groups,or ask your local health nurse.

Keep him involved in your baby appointments,make the reality of the baby 'real' to him.

Keep talking,keep the lines of communication open,write it all out again if you need to.

It would seem to me that he is still somewhere between a boy and a man,trying to be a man but succeeding at being a boy.

Your have become the parent in the relationship,your doing the best you can,and I commend you for that.

As you said yourself you know your full of hormones and it would be wise not to make any life changing decisions right now.

Its anyone's guess how he will behave once the baby is born,for some guys the birth of their child brings home the responsibility and they step up for the challenge of being a parent and become very good fathers,and I'm sure you know of other guys who try and shurk the responsibility and don't man up.

Try and eat well and rest,as hard as it is not to stress,try and relax,its not good for you nor your baby.

Other people will post and offer other suggestions.