Threads merged

I have been no contact for a month in a half. She just texted me happy birthday. Should I reply. This is the first time in a month that I have heard anything from her. I know all she is trying to say is happy birthday and there is no hidden message. Should I say thank you or just ignore it?

I would ignore if I were you, unless you can give a quick reply without over thinking it. By you replying you will most likely take a step back, so to me I think the best option is to ignore.

Not knowing the full details of your situation, my default answer would to be ignore it.

I'm with kc on this one, there would be some rare circumstances where I might suggest a quick and short "Thank you" reply, under the expectation that the conversation would end there and you would go back to NC immediately.

You I am still in the coping phase. I am actively trying to get over her. I think this might set me back. I'm not going to respond, but does this make me look immature by ignoring her?

It makes you look like you are looking out for yourself and moving on the way you see fit. Her image of you no longer matters, so you just do what you have to do. She lost the privilege of having influence on your image once the relationship ended.

Threads merged

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 21 reminders/objects

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess I am in the anger stage. My ex g/f broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We have been together for 6 years. I really want to send her all the objects and reminders of our relationship. For 2 reasons: 1) I really want to get over her and I don't want all this **** that reminds me of her. I think it will help me move on. 2) I want her to have all the reminders and I guess I want her to feel pain as well. Maybe she wants some of the stuff she made me like the calendars and the pictures.
I just don't have the balls to throw this stuff away. I am so confused. I know how vindictive and immature it sounds if I send this stuff to her. But a part of me doesn't care. I want to move on. Do you guys think this is a good idea? I don't want this crap stuffed away in my attic. Please give feedback.

No, it makes it seem like you have other stuff to do besides answer that text.

Just throw it out man, when you go looking for revenge, make sure to dig two graves. Stop looking to retaliate, for whatever reason the relationship didn't work out, just box the memories up and put them to the curb.

I meant to post that on the disscusion board

i ment to post that on the disscusion board

This is a relationship type question, so it would have been moved from the disccusion board to here anyway.

Why don't you have a friend help you box up all the items and hide them somewhere that you won't know about, so that you're not tempted to look for it?

Threads merged



Please someone tell me a reason why I shouldn't send my ex a letter that I wrote to her.

Because she's your ex and No contact is the best way to go.

Send the letter and you're just setting yourself up for more hurt.

Because it starts as one letter, then a text to see if she got it, then another if she got that text because she didn't respond to you.

Because it starts out as one letter, then a text to see if she got it, then another if she got that text because she didn't respond to you.

Exactly!

If the OP is really honest with himself, he doesn't want to send the letter to clear things up, he wants to send it to open the lines of communication again.

She doesn't need a letter, it's over, she knows that, now it's time for you to figure it out.

I would say that it depends on how you are approaching this and what you are trying to accomplish. Despite going into NC for about a month, my ex- and I had a brief e-mail exchange that actually did help to provide additional closure. You absolutely need to already have that though. If this is still fresh, I think a cool off period is a necessity in order to get rid of irrational, panicky feelings.

please someone tell me a reason why i shouldn't send my ex a letter that i wrote to her.

Because you have better things to do with your time.

Because it won't change anything-she's still your ex.

What purpose do you think it will do ?
Why did you write it to start with

Because I am doing NC right now and its been a month and I still can't get over her. I really miss her, even though I'm trying not to.

because i am doing NC right now and its been a month and i still can't get over her. I really miss her, even though i'm trying not to.

You need to give yourself more credit. A month isn't very long and I know it took longer for me to get over someone I loved than a month. Try 6-10 months in reality. Be strong and we'll give you plenty of support. It is good to get your emotions out on a letter but then rip it up. Be patient man, this is a long process. We've all been there so we know it's hard.

I for one am proud of you! Keep up the good work.

You're doing well and you'll feel better with time.
Be patient with yourself and keep busy.
Take care.

I know that it's painful, but a month isn't long enough! Don't send a letter, text or anything. Stay on the NO CONTACT route and don't get off or you will be heading for heartbreak all over again. Be patient - it will get easier.

You need to give yourself more credit. A month isn't very long and I know it took longer for me to get over someone I loved than a month. Try 6-10 months in reality. Be strong and we'll give you plenty of support. It is good to get your emotions out on a letter but then rip it up. Be patient man, this is a long process. We've all been there so we know it's hard.

I for one am proud of you! Keep up the good work.

Sorry had to spread the rep KC

But I, to, am proud of you! A months isn't very long to get over someone. But at the same time... to get through that first month is hard! So you should pat yourself on the shoulder and say HEY! GO ME, for getting through the first month!

So here's an additional reason as to why you should NOT send that letter.

You've gotten through 1 month of NC... just keep on going. Afford yourself EVEN MORE time to get over the X. You might feel that you need to send that letter right now, but why not put it in a drawer for now and leave it there... heck you can even write more letters and put them in a draw... but don't send them!

(The reason I say this, is personally, when I have issues/problems/heartbreaks/heartaches etc, etc.. I like to put things into words. On occation I have even written letters addressed to cetain people... I've vberbalized whatever I needed to get of my chest... hidden the letters and then thrown them away.. )

As for support! Man, we are here for you and we only wish you the best!

Wow thanks!

Sometimes you have to write letters explaining what happened, saying all that you wanted to say but didn't, pouring out your heart onto paper... but then you dispose of them.

I've had to do it... it hurts like crazy, but when I got it all out, it felt better. The trick is to write it down and throw it away. Burn it if you'd like.

I definitely recommend writing stuff down, but definitely don't recommend sending it. It is a healing process for you.

No, don't send it. Write it and get rid of it.

because i am doing NC right now and its been a month and i still can't get over her. I really miss her, even though i'm trying not to.

Yep you've already done a month and it hurts right?

Well if you send the letter you may just get a reply , and that will fill you with False Hope , you'll then go back to square one and have to suffer that month all over again.

Threads merged



Well she broke up with me about a month and a half ago. Like most people on this forum that are fresh off a break-up, our moods keep flip-flopping non stop. One moment I'm fine and the next I am in complete disarray. I am 24 and I've been dating her for almost 6 years. I have never been hurt like this before. I have been no contact for about a month and I love it and I hate it. I love the fact that I have power to choose not to contact her and that this will one day lead to my emotional freedom. I hate it because I miss her a lot and she was my only source of sharing intimacy. About once a week I have a very strong urge to contact her and express all of my emotions. A part of me still wants her back, and I know with NC that will slowly fade. A very good technique that I here everyone talking about is write her a letter and don't ever send it. Automatically, I thought this is stupid. Why would I waste my time doing that? It would just bring up bad memories and thoughts that I can't express or it will never get to her. Plus I don't like writing because I'm not good at it, (as you can tell).
But, I wrote her a letter with all the intentions of sending it. I actually went on here and posted a question “should I send it?” I got some really great and helpful responses. Everyone told me to stop and wait to “cool off” and eventually you will know the answer for yourself.
This couldn't have been more true. I was so overjoyed that I didn't send it. All of us are doing so well with the NC, why would I just throw all of that progress away because of my erratic emotions.
What I'm trying to say for all of you unstable flip-floppers like me is, write a letter or a pretend phone call conversation on paper. You can even have the intention to actually send it. But before you do wait at least one day to get your thoughts into perspective. If you feel like they need to here what you have to say send it or call them. (You're going to do it anyway, if your mind is set on it). If you're like me you'll calm down during that period and your heart will stop racing and breathing won't be so hard. I think you will decide not to send it, if you're serious about pursuing NC. It's a great way to vent. It actually works. Today I am proud of myself for fighting it off and staying NC. It gives me my power back. Now I have some control. Thanks for your advice everyone.

Exactly, see we aren't just bitter victims of break ups, we just have all wanted to send that letter, some have and realized it's not worth it

Great to hear! Glad you took our advice :)

I love your phrase 'unstable flip floppers'... well done,I hope your post will inspire others and help someone else.

Well done!
Stay strong and keep healing.
Good luck!

Anyone have other techniques??

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/list-things-do-after-breakup-78597.html

I was reading this today,there are some excellent tips in this thread.

Good job :)

The advice given here is to help people move on the most quick and drama-free as possible. I've heard of those that do send that letter end up in another cycle of drama as they start to fret over whether they reply or not and in the cases where people do get a reply, more drama ensues and this ultimately delays healing. The sad fact is some people never do truly heal because of this.

There are lots of things you can do! Learn a new language, try out a new hobby in something you've been interested in but never "had the time" to try out, join various social groups, make new friends, pick up an instrument, travel, go out and just enjoy nature and the world. I could go on but I think you get the idea...

I'm glad you're doing so well and your post is a testament as to how well some of these techniques work. :)

Well done there pal.

Threads merged



I am doing very well with my no contact. It has been almost 2 months. I have been taking everyone's advice and my intentions are to use the no contact for healing. I am trying to get over her. I know some people are trying to use the NC as a way to get their ex to miss them. I tell myself that I am not doing that, but I think really a part of me is hoping that she misses me. (Rule #1 admit you have a problem). I still do. I still have hope and all the established members on here say that "hope will only delay the healing process" I understand that, but I don't know how to stop thinking about her. I try and I try. Good news is, I am seeing progress in myself. I think about her less and less. I keep telling myself, if she still wanted me she would be with me. But I constantly wonder if she is missing me or when she will contact me. Does anyone else have this problem? Are you trying to heal but your mind still wanders towards them? I appreciate alll the advice.

The end of a relationship is like a death,you have to grieve.

Part of that process,is thinking 'what ifs' and dreaming that the person will come back or in your case miss you.

Just think of this a part of the process,your breaking the emotional ties,and habits that you had.

Continuing to focus on the future and your healing and this phase will pass.

I think you have a mature understanding of the process you're going through.

I guess a lot of people find it hard to let go of hope but once you get past that,you've taken a giant step on the road to complete healing.

Keep going as you are,you are doing very well.

Your feeling are very normal for the time you have been broken up. They will pass in time so be patient with yourself.

Now if we can just get you to stay on one thread and stop starting new ones about the same thing, you would really be a hero!

I'm grateful for this website.

Whenever I have a rough moment or Time I come here, read a few posts and calm down.

It's only been one day, but I had her number punched in and read to dial, until I read this post.

NC will help you heal, and get over the break up, and that's the WORST that can happen from it.

The best is that both parties will realize its not what either wanted, and the love is still there, and the "dumpee" didn't push so hard that the "dumper" doesn't want to be around anymore.

Loved the read, Made me feel better about my situation. Glad your sticking NC.

I have done a week of NC so far on my own without this website. I think I'm going to become a member of this community because it helps everyone so much.

Best wishes - Sam

Threads merged



but i think really a part of me is hoping that she misses me. (Rule #1 admit you have a problem). I still do. I still have hope and all the established members on here say that "hope will only delay the healing process" I understand that, but i don't know how to stop thinking about her.

Absolutely nothing abnormal about hoping , and the hope will subside as time goes by and you start to accept that she isn't going to contact you , that's why NC is such a powerful tool to healing.

By going NC you eliminate getting False Hope , which is created by contact , because you end up over-analysing every little piece of contact as a way to hang on and maybe get them back.

Threads merged

I just met this girl a couple weeks ago through a friend. We all hung out and that night and I ended up hooking up with her. Then the next day I found out she has a b/f. I was kind of upset about that. But I just got dumped a few months ago and I reallly need some intimacy. We hung out a couple more times with the same group of friends and she was flirting with me a little. I kind of have a crush on her but I didn't show it at all. I really haven't talked to her besides those couple of nights. It probably doesn't mean anything but should I stop pursuing her. I like her and I don't know her ex and he lives 2 hours away. Im not even sure if she likes me in that way. Any suggestions. Thanks for your help.

You said she has a boyfriend, yes let it go! If she's taken, leave it alone

Boyfriend=off limits.
Date and get to know girls that are single.

So you've just got dumped and gone through all the pain and you want to hook up with a girl who is willing to cheat on her BF?

So what makes you think she wouldn't cheat on you if you hooked up , learn from your breakup and don't venture into anything that shows signs of Red Flags.

It's not abnormal to want to seek intimacy after a breakup but do it with your big head.

What if she was YOUR girlfriend? Would you like other guy "playing doctor" with her? No, of course not.

She is a cheater. Don't let her pull you down to her level.

Have some respect and honor for your fellow man.

You may be lonely, and need affection. But find yourself a girl that does not already have a boyfriend.

Plus, you don't know this guy, and what he is capable of doing. Do you want to have to look over your shoulder all the time? Is she worth getting hurt over? I say no.

You had sex with her BEFORE you knew that she was attached. Now you know the truth. Use your conscience.

Think with the head on your shoulders.

Thanks for the input. I agree with you guys. I just hate being lonely right now. But I know its not worth it and this will bring more pain.

Once you're properly over the ex,you'll be ready to date and get to know someone else.

Meanwhile,make sure you keep busy and see friend doing things you enjoy.

I am so glad to hear you see the folly in pursuing a liar, and cheater. That's good. Now heal properly with some good clean, adult fun. Start with a better class of friends.

1) She is a rebound.

2) She's a cheater.

3) She has a boyfriend, which makes her off limits. Do you really want to be a girlfriend stealer?

Why not meet new people who aren't any of the above?

Threads merged

I was recently dumped about 3 months ago and I have been going out a lot with friends. I've been pretty lonely and I have not been handling the breakup well. In public I'm fine but my emotions are still erratic. I know I'm not ready to date. A couple days ago my friends and I went out and I ended hooking up with this girl who we all work with. She is def not my type and I really really regret it. Now I am embarrassed and I don't know how to handle it. I also think she likes me and she already told everyone . Has any one been in a similar situation? Is there a smooth way to handle this? Please help.

You really don't owe her any explanation for never calling or dating her again. You've only hooked-up once, which doesn't add up to any relationship at all in my book.

Just avoid her. If she'd happen to ask you, just truthfully tell her that you really aren't ready for a new relationship.

You really don't owe her any explanation for never calling or dating her again. You've only hooked-up once, which doesn't add up to any relationship at all in my book.

Just avoid her. If she'd happen to ask you, just truthfully tell her that you really aren't ready for a new relationship.

Avoidance is pretty immature (In my opinion)

How about you just tell her the gist of what you said here. Apologize and say that you don't have it together. Wish her the best of luck.

Talaniman Rule - Be gracious on a date whether you liked them or not.

Talaniman Rule - Dating is for fun, not romance, so who cares if there is no chemistry

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18- 80 blind cripple, or crazy.

Talaniman Rule- If a date is no fun, don't go on another date.

Talaniman Rule- You owe no explanations for your actions to any one.

The point, I hope you were gracious, and enjoyed yourself, just for the good time. If you didn't that's your own fault. But you owe no one an explanation, or a reason. Just be a gentleman about your rejections.

You tell people you had a blast, and enjoyed everyones company.

Leave it at that.

Avoidance is pretty immature (In my opinion)

How about you just tell her the gist of what you said here. Apologize and say that you don't have it together. Wish her the best of luck.

I guess I wasn't clear when I said to avoid her, but what I was trying to say was that you should just treat her like everyone else, and not show her any individual attention. Any hint of flirting/attention will simply get her hopes up that there may be a chance. Good luck!

Threads merged

So, I have been having dreams recently about my ex. I haven't had them in a while. I guess my questions is, do our ex's ever have dreams about us? If you have ever been the dumper in a relationship did you ever dream about the person you dumped. I am starting to get over her but then all of a sudden I get these horrible dreams that make me miss her. So do the dumpers ever have these dreams? I hope they do. So it can suck for them too.

I'm sorry you are having these dreams and they are making you feel bad! I have to say I have been the dumper before and even for the relationship I broke off 5 years ago, I still have dreams about it and feel guilty sometimes (though he was abusive)... so yes they can definitely have dreams about the person they dumped! But I think its for many different reasons!

I know I dream a lot when I have unresolved issues resurfacing... which I do for relationships. Maybe looking into that yourself could be good? I think its different for everyone though

Everyone is different and there's no telling,obviously,if your ex has dreams about you.

Try not to dwell on your own dreams and don't worry about anyone else's.

Don't worry about the dreams of someone who dumped you.
You give him too much importance.

Yea, but they are just dreams. I don't read into them too much.. I've had a lot of dreams where I was a member of special ops, but I'm not going to go join the Army

I dreamed I was rich, but woke up and had to settle for handsome. What a bummer.

Dreams often leave us with certain feelings, good or bad and yes, I have had many about the exes, dumped, or dumper.

A good crap, and a cup of coffee, not only makes me forget the dreams, but the feelings they brought with them.