My husband is having a baby with a surrogate and wants me to raise it. I am looking for coping suggestions.

Is this not part of your family plan?

No -- he arranged this on his own. I was kept out of the loop. Also, I am mid-50's

Then it's cheating and maybe bigamy not surrogate parenting. Time to get a lawyer.

What about the child's mother?

Have the legalities of the situation been looked into?

Is the child the result of an affair?

How about you,what do you want?

Thank you -- it feels that way to me, also. He, however, is jubilant and cannot understand why I am not on board with this.

Thank you -- it feels that way to me, also. He, however, is jubilant and cannot understand why I am not on board with this.


It would seem there is a serious lack of communication going on here.

If the legal route is on your mind,you and your husband need to have a very serious talk.

Child's mom is being paid. No affair -- Artificial

Child's mom is being paid. No affair -- Artificial

I under stand if you do not wish to go into details,but I am wondering if you knew about this,and if there was a discussion about what would happen when the child arrived.

Child's mom is being paid. No affair -- ArtificialIt certainly is not yours to raise. Do you guys even talk to each other?

He so longed for a child and knew it was not going to happen with me, that he did it. Figured I'd come on board.

Poor child. :( It's not your fault.

Yes, we talk -- I just do not want to be a mom at this point in my life. Just retired Sept 2009 after 30 years teaching

Yes, we talk --
But he went out and organized, outside the marriage, to bring a child into this world without your consent? That'd be a deal breaker for me.

That's quite an assumpion to make,and beyond any marriage obligation.

The child is his responsibility,that sounds harsh,however if you are not willing to raise the child,and I don't think many would blame you for not wanting too,your husband needs to take off his pollyanna hat and start making plans.

Its quite a situation to be born into.

Yes, I am quite aware of how horrible it sounds. Really don't want to divorce, but cannot see how I can be a parent in this situation.

Outside of this (which I know is HUGE) we have had a really happy marriage. Makes it all the tougher to walk away.

Yes, I am quite aware of how horrible it sounds. Really don't want to divorce, but cannot see how I can be a parent in this situation.

Your in a terrible situation.

Perhaps you need to seek legal advice and explore other options.

If you don't want to divorce your husband to need to step up and state your case.

I have told him I am not on board, however, there is a child on the way. Nothing will change that now.

I have told him I am not on board, however, there is a child on the way. Nothing will change that now.

Your right,the child will be born and your husband will want his much wanted child.

But where does that leave you?

If you divorce,your husband will be a single parent,do you think he will cope on his own?

You will be on your own,without the husband you love or the marriage you have build together.

The baby will be motherless.

No one is going to win here,and its not your doing.

If you don't want to walk away,then a compromise needs to be reached,only if you both agree,your husband may choose his child.

Neither your husband NOR the surrogate need to raise this child.

Adoption is a LOVELY option.

The surrogate would still need to be paid, though, obviously.

You and your husband NEED to go to marital counseling.

Ask him how he'd feel if you came home pregnant with another man's child and expected him to raise it.

I'd like to know where this happened Country and/or State... and HOW this was allowed without BOTH spouses signatures.

You know this was via Artificial Insemination exactly HOW?

THis seems so bizarre at least if it's the USA that it seems like he is trying to cover a lovechild up. I don't think you could legally be able to do that here without BOTH spouses signatures.

Now if you are outside the USA then that's different.

I think the way your husband went about this was very underhanded and it would appear he assumed once the deed was done you would automatically get on board.
That is emotional blackmail.

Essentially,if you love me you will love the child type of scenario.

First of all as regards to coping I would be certain to have your legal rights as a guardian made clear.If he ever decided to leave and take the child who you have bonded with(best case scenario) you would have no legal recourse.Establish yourself legally as a parent via adoption.

I would also be certain that he provides ample help to you in the home ,in the way of a nanny.You have just retired and should be able to enjoy your retirement as you had planned.

It is easy for myself as an outsider to say that you will bond with this child and that may have been the case ,had he not done this in such a deceitful manipulative manner.

I would get everything in writing and have good legal counsel.

I have to say I question how a surrogacy was done via insemination without your awareness.Something about the manner of conception rings false to me.

I would not agree to anything until you are satisfied that this child in is fact not a product of an affair.

Actually, BOTH parents for surrogacy need to go through the adoption process in most states.

The child is legally the birthmother's child, and if the sperm of the father (as in this case) was used, he is financially responsible for the child, though usually the adoption process includes him as well.

Surrogacy is a VERY tangled legal mess. It doesn't matter what state you're in, there are VERY few laws that specifically cover a surrogacy situation.

As far as the conception/insemination--he could have EASILY done it without his wife on board, because (once again) surrogacy laws are all over the place when they're in place at all. All he'd have to do is hire a surrogate (either privately or through an agency), pay the fee, get a contract drawn up, and donate his sperm at a sperm bank to be used for the surrogacy. In some cases, it can be set up by his doctor.

So I completely believe her that he did this on his own, and that there wasn't an affair involved.

HOWEVER--what he did was sneaky, underhanded, and quite selfish.

I would be talking to a lawyer, frankly. Marriage counseling may be able to save your marriage, and you MAY be able to work this out in some sort of compromise--but you need a lawyer to advise you what YOUR rights are in this situation--especially if it leads to separation/divorce.

Neither your husband NOR the surrogate need to raise this child.

Adoption is a LOVELY option.

The surrogate would still need to be paid, though, obviously.

You and your husband NEED to go to marital counseling.

Ask him how he'd feel if you came home pregnant with another man's child and expected him to raise it.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw that connection.

This is as underhanded as a woman 'accidentally' becoming pregnant to try to keep her boyfriend/husband form leaving her.

OK. I'm glad Synnen responded to that and I do trust her at her word on this implicitly. Something THIS important SHOULD require both spouses consent even though as pointed out it appears right tnow that it really doesn't because a child is involved that would be caught in the middle.

Perhaps more people should contact their representatives asking them to work on a uniform and concise set of laws making this less murky and more predictable for everyone involved.

He clearly is thinking only of himself and HIS wants. That's a bad frame of mind for anyone wishing to be a parent.

I have been off-line for a while. For those who asked, this took place in Michigan. There is no legal standing for surrogacy in MI. In spite of how badly I feel about how this went down I am absolutely convinced there was no affair.

Wow - if my hubby brought home a dog and expected me to help care for it without consultation I'd be miffed - but a child! (My hubby knows I don't want a dog by the way and yours knew you didn't want a child!)

Having said that the deed is done so what now?

I agree with all those people who have said get some legal advice and counselling, whatever you end up deciding you need help to look at your options.

Have you met the surrogate? I must say in your position if there was any possibility of me getting involved in bringing this child up I think I would want to be involved in the process now to help clarify all that has happened without your consent and to help you come to terms with it.

You cannot just go along with it if you are really unhappy, it would be terrible for you, and especially for the child, if you had to do so with resentment.

The fact is time is in short supply now. You need to do everything you can to accept this has happened and work out what you want to do about it, the baby isn't going to wait...

I don't wish to sound harsh, I really really feel for you, I'm just thinking if it was me I'd be spending a lot of time just trying to get my head around it but sadly time is something you won't have enough of before the baby arrives. Please get some expert help on this.

Further to my above post, I was thinking about whether you have met and talked with the surrogate and it got me wondering...
What did he tell her? Did he pretend he was a single man or say his wife was happy about it? Wouldn't the surrogate have wanted to meet you before the deed was done? I can't imagine agreeing to carry a baby for someone and not knowing the people who were going to be caring for that baby...
Maybe it's some woman who doesn't care apart from wanting the money. If that's the case is she taking good care of herself and the baby? Is it someone who is in dire financial striaights who might hound you and your hubby for money later in desperation?
I would want to know what the situation was, because if your hubby lied to her or her sitution is difficult how can you be sure if the baby will even be handed over?

Is it at all possible that he's lying and it hasn't happened - yet.. a way of finding out how you would react?

To QLP -- No, I have not met the surrogate. She is aware that there is a wife somewhere, and I was also surprised that a woman who was prepared to be a surrogate would not insist on meeting the wife, but sadly, no. Apparently now that everything is in place, I am going to be allowed to meet her -- sometime in the next week.

It has definitely happened -- not a test. She texts him regularly and I have seen the text messages that have gone between them. It is real.

All the points you make about her situation, etc, are very valid. These are all questions I'd have wanted to ask had I been in the loop. He, however, was so desperate to have a child that he threw caution out the window and proceeded with limited information.

Basically, I don't sleep or eat. I am completely surviving on adrenaline and eye drops! Absolute worst time in my life.

I would suggest taking a couple days for yourself. Go stay with family, or check into a hotel or spa. Spend that time decompressing and thinking without the pressure of seeing your husband all the time. No matter what you decide to do about this situation (keeping the baby, leaving your husband, etc), this is going to be the last opportunity for relaxation you're going to get for awhile.

I think it is safe to say that had he informed you of his plan, before it was actually accomplished, you would have made it clear you did not want a baby. So, he just skipped that part.

This is a terrible betrayal of trust. He has made a decision that will affect you and turn your life upside down for the next 20 years or more. I also find it very unusual for a man to so desperately want a baby of his own that he would even deceive his wife in order to get one. You are not a passive partner here with the decision that he has made.

I feel terribly sorry for you having been put in this position. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't accept what he has put on your plate.

It's not like you can say, well, if you want a baby, you take care of it. Impossible position to be in.

He has taken a chance that you will not leave him to raise his child alone, and that you will just 'get over it' and 'get onboard'. The arrogance is unbelieveable!

But, what are you left with. Facing raising a child at this stage of your life, that you didn't want but were tricked into, or, leaving and living a peaceful existence on your own.

There is no between, other than adoption as others have said, but that doesn't sound like something he is willing to do having gone this far now.

I don't know which way I'd go myself if this happened to me. Hate to say it, but I think I would leave.

Please keep us posted.

I would leave,too.
You know your post made me cry.
You have all my sympathy.
Let us know how it goes.

Definitely talk to a lawyer... because if for no other reason, you might find yourself legally liable and responsible financially for raising the child etc... even if he skips out later.

Just like so many men who's wives had affairs and had cildren by other men... and yes... I know several in jail right now for refusing to pay child support for children they neither adopted nor fathered... and yes, they have DNA tests to prove it.

It can just as easily be turned around on you.

All of this is very uncharted territory to me. Have not booked a legal appt. yet, however, have begun counselling. I'll probably be in it for a long time. This has all been shock to my system that I feel on the cusp of being physically ill.

I very much appreciate everyone's comments and concern. Thank you.

Now that I have had a few days to ruminate on this, it does not get easier, but clearer. As I see it, he must have been very desperate to risk everything, more than I can even envision. Prior to this, we were a very happy couple, with a lot of years of wonderful history together, which is probably why I didn't go running for the door the minute I found out. But the feeling of betrayal is there.

I still don't know how this is all going to end up. He has a huge financial and emotional investment in this future child, so the suggestion of adoption just is not an option. There is no easy answer.

No,there is no easy answer.
It comes down to you having to make the best possible choice for yourself-whatever that turns out to be.

I hope you are getting some sleep.
And try to eat right.
All the best.

It's almost like a handicap isn't it, all of a sudden you are faced with the responsibility of not only accepting what he has done, but also faced with raising a baby.

Your life will revolve around raising another woman's child. He 'fathered' the child, but you will be the one with the burden of raising it.

All without giving you a choice to say no. I am happy you are going to counselling to work through this. The responsibility to you is enormous, and you have my respect for being so calm, and finding your way through this.

As amicon said, you have to make the best possible choice for yourself, whatever that turns out to be.

I hope you will keep us posted.

To Jake2008 and amicon -- Thanks for your support. I am hoping to sleep tonight. I average about 2-3 hours a night so far. I have started eating again, which is a step in the right direction.

I am trying to come to terms with him longing for a child so much that he would step out of our marriage to get it and really, the thought of some woman out there carrying my husband's child is almost unfathomable.

I am terrified of the legalities. As soon as I get a better grip of everything, I will call for legal advice. So much to think about. Never thought I'd be facing something this lfe altering at this point in my life. I was actually hoping to travel and take some courses. Life!

Rivka, I wish you lived closer, I'd pick you up, and we'd go sit and have coffee and talk this all out.

I am at such a loss too, to understand this. I can only imagine what it is like for you living it.

Great idea to sit with your lawyer and talk this out as well.

Please keep posting. I know we are all anonymous, but we do sincerely care what happens to you.

To Jake2008 and amicon -- Thanks for your support. I am hoping to sleep tonight. I average about 2-3 hours a night so far. I have started eating again, which is a step in the right direction.

I am trying to come to terms with him longing for a child so much that he would step out of our marriage to get it and really, the thought of some woman out there carrying my husband's child is almost unfathomable.

I am terrified of the legalities. As soon as I get a better grip of everything, I will call for legal advice. So much to think about. Never thought I'd be facing something this lfe altering at this point in my life. I was actually hoping to travel and take some courses. Life!

Rivka, I was astonished when I read your post. I thought it MUST have be a joke. And not much astonishes me these days.

Putting myself in your shoes, I simply could not imagine how I would respond. The consequences are absolutely life altering whichever course of action you decide to take.

It's frightening really, because many of us (including myself) believe we have good relationships. But it seems that often something unknown is lurking beneath the surface waiting to be revealed. I guess it could happen to any of us - we think we know our partners, but do we really?

I don't know how you make a sensible decision quickly about something like this - it's so difficult to understand the consequences and sort through the options at such short notice.

My advice, take a break to think - it may be wise to move out of your family home. Speak to your friends and family and get their support. Procure the services of the best lawyer possible. Keep talking to your counselor.

I know that a baby is imminent but move to your own timetable, not your husband's or the baby's. Your husband has made his choice, you need time and space to make yours.

Please keep us posted and let us know what happens.

Once again, I will suggest you take a couple days for yourself. Go to a spa or a hotel. Schedule yourself a massage. Spend a couple days with a friend or sister or someone you can talk to and who will lend you a shoulder to cry on.

If you can't take a couple days, at least take a couple hours. Get out of the house. Hang out with a girl friend. Get a massage. Take a walk.

No matter what you do, you need to find a way to take some time for yourself. Taking time to relax and talk to someone will help you gain a little perspective, and maybe even help you sleep better.

Counseling is a good step, but it doesn't replace talking to someone who really knows you.

Hi Jake2008 -- Thanks so much for the kind offer of coffee and talk. We live about 4 hours apart by car along the 401. Might be a bit of a haul.

It is 5AM Sunday morning and of course, I cannot sleep.

I've been awake all night as well. Figured I may as well put on a pot of coffee, which I did. Then I hear a loud BANG! And lo and behold, the guy who delivers our newspaper ran into the back of my truck. Lol Not a great start to the day huh?

Rivka, have you thought about keeping a diary of all this? Writing out your thoughts and feelings when the waves come over you? People get tired of hearing me say that, but it really is a good idea to get it all out on paper, and at least you will feel some control over it all. I buy little notebooks from the buck store, and have a stack filled. Some go back quite a few years, and when I read them now, I realize things that I wouldn't have, had I not taken pen to paper.

It's worth a shot. May help you organize your thoughts too, and help you to remember things that you want to speak to your husband or lawyer about later on.

Have you decided whether you are going to meet the surrogate yet? Has your husband talked to you more about this. What is his mood with you.

Keep the faith, you will get through this one way or the other.

Hi Gemini 54 -- I wish it was a joke. My life is really in such a turmoil. I keep waiting for a miracle to come along and save me.

As for the relationship -- I always thought it was amazing. I was so grateful to have met such a wonderful man. It is my second marriage (his first) and up until recently (for the last 15 years), I felt that he was God's gift to me, for having had such a hard time in my younger years. Which makes it all the more difficult. If he was an a**, this would definitely be my ticket out of here. But it has never been that way. Until now...

I will be looking at legal advice soon. I am reluctant to move out of the house until then. I don't want to be accused of desertion and then forfeit assets.

Jake2008 -- All the conversations I have with my husband are about this. Sometimes the decibel level gets really high. It is amazing his perspective on this. He claims he was doing me a favor because I had always felt guilty that I could not give him children. (I don't think I was that overwhelmed with guilt, but, perspective is everything). Anything can be rationalized away if you choose it to be.

Yes, I am making plans to meet the surrogate. We spoke on the phone yesterday, really briefly. Any suggestions of questions I should ask her? Obviously, I do not want to upset her, she is, after all a pregnant lady. And I really don't think she knows how this has impacted on me. She is, I think, an innocent on the other side of this debacle.

That is odd in itself that she wouldn't wonder, or ask your husband about you, just to be certain the baby would be going to a two parent, solid home. Maybe he has implied, or maybe she assumed, that this was what you both wanted.

I'm thinking that you shouldn't ask any questions except simple things, like how are you feeling, does she have a due date, does she have children herself. Nothing, in other words, to imply in any way, shape or form that you are onboard with this, thus culpable.

If you should decide to leave, if it appears as though you showed interest, concern, and ongoing contact with her, I would think a judge would see you as bailing on the arrangements, and that wouldn't be good.

If there are any papers that he has signed, read them, and make sure your signature and name is not included. I don't know your husband, but if he can plan to have a baby without your knowledge, he's capable of forging your signature too.

If she is a bright woman, she will likely as you how you feel about all of this. Let your husband do the talking.

Think of it as gathering information from the two of them, without giving any information, particularly that you are in favour of this arrangement.

All these things will help you down the road should you decide to leave. It will also be easier for your lawyer to assess everything, knowing that you did not imply in any way that this was okay, or that you had accepted anything.

It would be preferable if you caught a cold and didn't want to spread it around, thus avoid the meeting, but, you may want to go just to get information. God only knows what legal things have already been done, including financial payment to this woman.

I do not think she is innocent. She is negotiating (or has negotiated) a business deal with your husband. She would likely have had legal council herself, or at the very least some counselling prior to the procedure being done. I think it is fair to say that she likely thinks you are as happy as he is.

Let her think you are a hard a** for asking questions about the legalities, and the contract. You will need this information. I have a feeling that you are going to learn more than you want to.

Stay cool, emotionally detached, and observant. Make notes when you get home while it is all fresh in your mind so you don't forget anything.

Until you know where you stand legally, it isn't a good idea to give the impression that you are fine with this, or not fine with this. Stay neutral.

Oh my word I don't know how you're managing not to hit him with something heavy. Is he coming to counselling with you? Surely he at least needs to understand the impact this is having on you and he doesn't seem to if he is saying he has done you a favour.

I would ask what made her agree to do so without making it sound like it's a problem (if you can manage to do that). Something along the lines of, 'I find it amazing that women agree to have babies for other people, can I ask you what made you happy to do this?' If it sounds like you're sort of praising her maybe she will open up as to what your husband said to her and what her motivations are without feeling threatened.

I fully understand that you don't want to upset her and I admire you for thinking of her feelings in the midst of your own turmoil. There must be a million things you would really like to know but I expect a softly-softly approach where you try to get to know her a bit and see what comes across might actually yield the best results.

Gosh I wish there was something more helpful I could think of saying but this really is such a biggie. We are all rooting for you. Xx

'I find it amazing that women agree to have babies for other people, can I ask you what made you happy to do this?'

Brilliant question to ask Q. I would love to be a fly on the wall.

Thanks for all the advice.

No, my husband is currently not part of the counselling. I have only been once and I really want to do this alone right now. I think it is important for me not to have him there at this point. Maybe later I will request that he comes along. Not yet, though.

He now absolutely knows how hideous this has been for me. It has been intolerable and strained here, in a household that used to be happy. In fact, in a really honest moment, he admitted that he'd love to have his old life back. That, however, is gone, forever. No matter how this turns out, our relationship has been alterted permanently.

I am going to meet the surrogate without him. I want to hear everything without her looking at him for cues.

I know for certain that there is not a contract in place. They met with a lawyer who advised them, but surrogacy is not recognized in MI, so nothing could be written up. It actually is not legal for her to even be accepting money to do this, but she has. Quite a tangled web.

I am certainly nervous about the meeting. I will take notes and keep everyone apprised. I appreciate the input. It is sustaining me.

Best of luck and take good care of yourself.

It's actually illegal in EVERY state for a woman to take money for a child--adoption laws are VERY clear on that. And surrogacy, unfortunately, most of the time falls under adoption law.

Generally the agreements are that the couple (or in this case, your husband) agree to pay for food and board for the surrogate, and medical expenses for her and the baby. Gifts can be given, as long as they are not in the form of cash. He could buy her a Tiffany lamp or the first comic book ever to have Superman in it, or whatever--but cannot give her cash. Generally, what has to happen is that the adoptive parents have to pay the bills directly for the surrogate--they cannot give her money to pay them herself.

This is to prevent people from selling babies.

Keep going to counseling. You're in my thoughts and prayers often, and I hope you keep us posted as to what's happening with you and this situation.

Here is a legal web page explaining the Michigan laws on surrogate contracts, and/or aggreements.

HRC | Michigan Surrogacy Law (http://www.hrc.org/your_community/1089.htm)

Here are the surrogacy laws by state:

Surrogacy Laws by State: AllAboutSurrogacy.com (http://www.allaboutsurrogacy.com/surrogacylaws.htm)

Hi Gemini 54 -- I wish it was a joke. My life is really in such a turmoil. I keep waiting for a miracle to come along and save me.

As for the relationship -- I always thought it was amazing. I was so grateful to have met such a wonderful man. It is my second marriage (his first) and up until recently (for the last 15 years), I felt that he was God's gift to me, for having had such a hard time in my younger years. Which makes it all the more difficult. If he was an a**, this would definitely be my ticket out of here. But it has never been that way. Until now....

I will be looking at legal advice soon. I am reluctant to move out of the house until then. I don't want to be accused of desertion and then forfeit assets.

Heh, I wasn't suggesting you leave for good, just take a break so you can get some head-space. It sounds pretty intense at your place and I would be tempted to put some breathing space between you and him.

The situation with the surrogate sounds extremely complicated - I would advise you to get legal advice BEFORE you meet with her. Otherwise any meeting you have, i.e. your mere presence in her home, may be construed as an acceptance, on your part, of the agreement.

You need to be very cautious, at this point, in case it all goes to court.

PS I wonder what sort of fantasy world your husband lives in, that he thought you would accept all of this?

15 years of marriage and the issue of having children doesn't get discussed? Weird.

Thanks for all the advice.

No, my husband is currently not part of the counselling. I have only been once and I really want to do this alone right now. I think it is important for me not to have him there at this point. Maybe later I will request that he comes along. Not yet, though.

He now absolutely knows how hideous this has been for me. It has been intolerable and strained here, in a household that used to be happy. In fact, in a really honest moment, he admitted that he'd love to have his old life back. That, however, is gone, forever. No matter how this turns out, our relationship has been alterted permanently.

I am going to meet the surrogate without him. I want to hear everything without her looking at him for cues.

I know for certain that there is not a contract in place. They met with a lawyer who advised them, but surrogacy is not recognized in MI, so nothing could be written up. It actually is not legal for her to even be accepting money to do this, but she has. Quite a tangled web.

I am certainly nervous about the meeting. I will take notes and keep everyone apprised. I appreciate the input. It is sustaining me.

Everything you are saying suggests you are being amazingly level headed and strong despite being hit by an emotional juggernaut. Hang on in there.

15 years of marriage and the issue of having children doesn't get discussed? Weird.

I never said the issue of children had not been discussed, explored, tried, etc. but it has not been something we've dealt with for a number of years and considering my age, it seemed that it was now a moot point. It is this particular situation that has blindsided me.

Jake2008 -- Thanks for the legal information. I have printed it for my file.

QLP -- Thanks for the emotional boost. I really feel neither strong nor level headed. I have moments of complete despair and hysteria.

I am somewhat better today -- slept more, eating a little. Great weight loss plan: I've lost 10 lbs.

You're welcome Rivka, the more information you have the better.

Glad you slept better too.

Keep posting, I'll be checking on you.