Hi all, I have just joined this forum and would like to share my experience and get some honest opinions. Like you I have also been cheated before Marriage. My husband and I were in a committed relationship planning to marry. The story goes: At this point in our relationship He was supposed to take me out the one Saturday night, when he called he said I should meet him there because his friends needed a lift there, so I went and waited, after he arrived he was with his buddies and a girl, he said he was sorry and asked if I mined that he spend the night with his friend because they felt that he spent no time with them anymore. I understood completely and gave him the time he needed, Later that night I saw him hugging and kissing the grl that was with them. I confronted him about it and left to another place. In that week that I left him he called every day and assured me that he did not know this girl, it was the first time he met her and that he only kissed her because his friends dared him to. This was his story and he stuck to it. I pleaded with him many time to just be honest. He said this is the truth, I promise I already lost you there is no need to lie, there is nothing more than this. He came to fetch me and I made peace with it and we moved on. One week later he came to fetch me for work with a neck full of hickies, when I asked him about it his friend lied for him saying that he fell asleep at the party and they played a practical joke on him, which I was so gullible to believe. I had so much trust in hi that I never questioned him thereafter about it. We got married and have now been married for nine years. Over these nine years his friends would keep making remarks about this other woman and when ever I asked he said I told you I would never lie it was just a dare on that one night. He swore high and low this was his story and it never chaged. A few months back this girls cousin decided that she would tell me the whole story, that he had a relationship with this other woman. Once again I confronted him and said please come clean or leave, he confessed part of the affair and said that it was two weeks and that he saw her once or twice but nothing more happened. I begged him and said our marriage is falling apart because of all the lies, please if there is anything else come clean so that we ca deal with it. He had the ususal story this is the truth there is nothing more to it, I can't make up things to tell you if you don't believe me its your choice. A few days ago she sends him mail, and he clarified to her things about their relationship which inevitably came out to be two months and the times they had been out. This hurt me because he would never take me for any outings with his friends, a the time, but she was the one that he went with to places adnd did things with in the open and I was the one hidden away. After nine years it hit me like a bomb, then the next confession about the one night stand with the girl also came out, so in out time together hecheated on me twice, once with another girl in a relationship and once with a one nighter, but all the time claiming that it was only me that he loved and wanted to be with. After finding out about the two month relationship that ran parallel to mine, it made started bugging me that he lied to me that night and chose to spend that time with her instead of me and all I want to know is why. Why was I always the one that was hidden from his friends, why was I in the dark, why did he choose her that day and not me and why did he cheat even thereafter. His standard response is that he doesn't know why, He does not have the answers, it was a stupid thing and he never wanted to be with her. My questin to him is very simple and it is very important for me to know, On that night he was confronted with two people one whomhe calimed to love and could not live without once he was going to marry , and the other that he wanted to have nothing to do with but instead of choosing the one he loved he took the other, WHY? He can not answer, I asked him if it was because she was easier to have sex with, he claims that they never slept together, I need to know why a man would betray a woman heclaimed to love that much for someone he claimed to want nothing to do wit and still lie and cheat again and hide it away. And continue lying about it for nine years. Why could he not tell me that he had a relationship with her why did he not say he was not sure if he wanted to be with me or not, why was I robbed of this choice in my life of being with a man that I trusted with all my heart only to find out that the thing that led me to marry him was a big lie. How does one come to terms with and justify that your husband says to you I lied because I did not want to loose you but I cheated because I was not sure that I wanted to be married. How do you have certainty and uncertainty in the same sentence. It makes no sense. He claims that he never cheated after we got married but incidents have happened that makes me doubt, and that he also claims like before that what he told me is the truth. In any case his attitude to the whole issue is that it happened and he can't change it and he does not have the answers to give me so I can deal with it or I can quit. I explained to him that this is hurting me so badly and I can not forgive or deal with it until I know why it happened and have the whle truth and his solution to the whole thing is that he is tired of breaking his head with me, and If the marriage has to end over something like this then so be it but he has no answers for me. Is this fair? Am I being unreasonable? I know that it happened long ago, but it happened when we were supposedly an unbreakale exclusive couple that was planning a life together and if he had been honest then my life would have been peaceful now not living everyday feeling that I married a lier and a cheater. Please someone help me I have no idea what to do or where to go from here, Am I being stupid to be hurt by something that happened ten years ago. Should I just be grateful that he married me, cause that's all is says, I married you If I didn't want to be with you I wouldn't have done so, my issue is if you wanted to be with me why did you cheat and why lie for so long and if I had not found out about this from elsewhere he would never have admitted to me...

I am going to suggest counseling for you and the marriage. From there you can decide if you want to keep the marriage or dissolve it.

I can't tell you what he can't or won't. I will say that he needs to understand that he betrayed the trust that was part of the structure of your marriage. It in a way it doesn't matter that it happened over nine years ago, you are just now finding out about part of it so it is very fresh for you. He has had all of this time to deal with it and rationalize what happened. It is very selfish and unfair to expect you to be healed when you just got hurt. Additionally, he needs to come to the understanding that he has lied for over nine years and his honesty is going to be in question for a very long time.

Unfortunately, he has managed until now to make it seem like you were in the wrong to doubt him to the point where you are second guessing yourself. Counseling can help you sort out all of the baggage that you have been packing with his help. It is not up to you to rebuild the trust. It is up to him since he destroyed it.

You need to think about what you really want. Do you trust him enough to attempt to work together to rebuild the what has been damaged? Is he willing to try to mend what he broke (doesn't sound like it from what you have written so far)? You will also need to decide if you can live with and forgive the past even if he never tells you the complete truth.

The case can be made that he did marry you, however, I would ask him if it was because you trusted him enough that he was able to play games with everyone else. I do think you are justified in being concerned that his 'games' may have continued into the marriage.

Thank you for the reply, I thought I was going mad there for a while and his act of self defense led me to believe that I was being impossible. Although he says he knows he was wrong the only thing he has to say further is that it is done it is over, so what can he do? We have a kid and she is very attached to her father and he is a good father, but the lies are destroying us. I will certainly try a counsellor and hopefully we can start life afresh...

Sorry about the paragraphs, I was too emotional while typing that I did not realise there was no puntuation and a lot of spelling errors.

I will certainly try a counsellor and hopefully we can start life afresh...

I think it will help to have someone who can mediate your discussions about the whole mess. It should be a safe place for both of you to get your thoughts and concerns out and to get tools to work on them.

Good luck. :)

Sorry about the paragraphs, I was too emotional while typing that I did not realise there was no puntuation and a lot of spelling errors.

That happens. At least you realize it. Some people don't seem to ever grasp that concept. :)

This is a re-post since the previous one was typed in haste with no punctuation and lots of spelling errors. Aplologies to all that tried reading it and thank you to those who tried...

Hi all, I have just joined this forum and would like to share my experience and get some honest opinions. Like many I have also been cheated before Marriage. My husband and I were in a committed relationship planning to marry.

The story goes: At this point in our relationship He was supposed to take me out the one Saturday night, when he called he said I should meet him there because his friends needed a lift there, so I went and waited, after he arrived he was with his buddies and a girl, he said he was sorry and asked if I mined that he spend the night with his friend because they felt that he spent no time with them anymore. I understood completely and gave him the time he needed, Later that night I saw him hugging and kissing the grl that was with them. I confronted him about it and left to another place.

In that week that I left him he called every day and assured me that he did not know this girl, it was the first time he met her and that he only kissed her because his friends dared him to. This was his story and he stuck to it. I pleaded with him many time to just be honest. He said this is the truth, I promise I already lost you there is no need to lie, there is nothing more than this. He came to fetch me and I made peace with it and we moved on.

One week later he came to fetch me for work with a neck full of hickies, when I asked him about it his friend lied for him saying that he fell asleep at the party and they played a practical joke on him, which I was so gullible to believe. I had so much trust in him that I never questioned him thereafter about it. We got married and have now been married for nine years.

Over these nine years his friends would keep making remarks about this other woman and when ever I asked he said I told you I would never lie it was just a dare on that one night. He swore high and low this was his story and it never chaged. A few months back this girls cousin decided that she would tell me the whole story, that he had a relationship with this other woman.

Once again I confronted him and said please come clean or leave, he confessed part of the affair and said that it was two weeks and that he saw her once or twice but nothing more happened. I begged him and said our marriage is falling apart because of all the lies, please if there is anything else come clean so that we ca deal with it. He had the ususal story this is the truth there is nothing more to it, I can't make up things to tell you if you don't believe me its your choice.

A few days ago she sends him mail, and he clarified to her things about their relationship which inevitably came out to be two months and the times they had been out. This hurt me because he would never take me for any outings with his friends, at the time, but she was the one that he went with to places and did things with in the open and I was the one hidden away.

After nine years it hit me like a bomb, then the next confession about the one night stand with the girl also came out, so in out time together he cheated on me twice, once with another girl in a relationship and once with a one nighter, but all the time claiming that it was only me that he loved and wanted to be with. After finding out about the two month relationship that ran parallel to mine, it made started bugging me that he lied to me that night and chose to spend that time with her instead of me and all I want to know is why.

Why was I always the one that was hidden from his friends, why was I in the dark, why did he choose her that day and not me and why did he cheat even thereafter. His standard response is that he doesn't know why, He does not have the answers, it was a stupid thing and he never wanted to be with her.

My question to him is very simple and it is very important for me to know, On that night he was confronted with two people one whomhe claimed to love and could not live without one he was going to marry , and the other that he wanted to have nothing to do with but instead of choosing the one he loved he took the other, WHY?

He can not answer, I asked him if it was because she was easier to have sex with, he claims that they never slept together, I need to know why a man would betray a woman he claimed to love that much for someone he claimed to want nothing to do wit and still lie and cheat again and hide it away. And continue lying about it for nine years. Why could he not tell me that he had a relationship with her why did he not say he was not sure if he wanted to be with me or not, why was I robbed of this choice in my life of being with a man that I trusted with all my heart only to find out that the thing that led me to marry him was a big lie.

How does one come to terms with and justify that your husband says to you I lied because I did not want to loose you but I cheated because I was not sure that I wanted to be married. How do you have certainty and uncertainty in the same sentence. It makes no sense. He claims that he never cheated after we got married but incidents have happened that makes me doubt, and that he also claims like before that what he told me is the truth.

In any case his attitude to the whole issue is that it happened and he can't change it and he does not have the answers to give me so I can deal with it or I can quit. I explained to him that this is hurting me so badly and I can not forgive or deal with it until I know why it happened and have the whle truth and his solution to the whole thing is that he is tired of breaking his head with me, and If the marriage has to end over something like this then so be it but he has no answers for me.

Is this fair? Am I being unreasonable? I know that it happened long ago, but it happened when we were supposedly an unbreakale exclusive couple that was planning a life together and if he had been honest then my life would have been peaceful now not living everyday feeling that I married a lier and a cheater. Please someone help me I have no idea what to do or where to go from here, Am I being stupid to be hurt by something that happened ten years ago. Should I just be grateful that he married me, cause that's all is says, I married you If I didn't want to be with you I wouldn't have done so, my issue is if you wanted to be with me why did you cheat and why lie for so long and if I had not found out about this from elsewhere he would never have admitted to me...