Their mother died Sept.'08-we became engaged Aug.'09. They cannot bear to see their dad with another woman and may never. He says he has to choose his children and not hurt them... to just give them time to adjust. How long should I wait or just give it up? We live 4 hours apart and I see him seldom, though we talk on the phone.

As a father, his children do come first. I suggest sitting down and having a serious talk with him as to where the relationship is going. I think it's way too soon, for his sake, for his kid's sake, to be engaged less than a year after the mother/wife's death.

I can def see why you might feel that he shouldn't choose them over you, but they are his children. Even though their grown, they are still his children. He is also the only parent they have left.

I think you need to have patience. You did get engaged less than a year after their mother passed away. So as Jamie said.. for his sake and for his kids sake. I think you need to be patience and let this move along at the pace that their comfortable with (both him and them).

This might seem unfair to you, but that seems to be his wish and that should be respected.

Best of luck.

How old are the children.

Leave him, he has made his choice, they are adult kids and they can do what they want, He is suppose to be looking for someone to be in his life till the death due you part thing, And obviously he did not love you enough to choice his and your happiness over that of spoiled kids.

It would only be worst if you stayed with him

OOps! Sorry, I re-read the question after Chuck's response, and saw that we are dealing with adult children.

He should be able to stand up to his adult children and tell them to buzz off, it's his life. That they feel comfortable making such demands on him in the first place, makes me think he's had a history of being controlled and manipulated by them.

Very sad indeed. He has a shot at happiness, and he chooses to be under the thumb of his children.

They should be ashamed of themselves, and I have to agree, if he lacks the courage or fortitude here to do the right thing by himself, your life will be miserable with him because of it.

How old are the children.

The son & daughter are in their forties, married w/ children (1 grandson).
The daughter lives next door.

Wow, no wonder you are depressed. These 'children' should be encouraging him to get out there, have fun, enjoy his life and celebrate his impending marriage to you!!

I wonder if they are just intimidated and worried about their inheritance? Maybe not wishing to see anyone else split the pie? I really can't imagine any other reason that might explain why they block his happiness with guilt.

They are extremely selfish people. I'm not sure this is a situation that your fiancé can break free of.

As a father, his children do come first. I suggest sitting down and having a serious talk with him as to where the relationship is going. I think it's way too soon, for his sake, for his kid's sake, to be engaged less than a year after the mother/wife's death.

Thank you for your input.

wow, no wonder you are depressed. These 'children' should be encouraging him to get out there, have fun, enjoy his life and celebrate his impending marriage to you!!!

I wonder if they are just intimidated and worried about their inheritance? Maybe not wishing to see anyone else split the pie? I really can't imagine any other reason that might explain why they block his happiness with guilt.

They are extremely selfish people. I'm not sure this is a situation that your fiance can break free of.


We explained to them that we will both keep our homes & split our time between them & the grandchidren there & my children & grandchildren here. And that his estate is to be left to them & my estate is to be left to mine. So, I'm not understanding why they would insist that their dad be alone the rest of his life either.

The son & daughter are in their forties, married w/ children (1 grandson)
The daughter lives next door.


Actually, there is 1 GREAT-grandson & 4 grandchildren.

I can def see why you might feel that he shouldn't choose them over you, but they are his children. Even though their grown, they are still his children. He is also the only parent they have left.

I think you need to have patience. You did get engaged less than a year after their mother passed away. So as Jamie said.. for his sake and for his kids sake. I think you need to be patience and let this move along at the pace that their comfortable with (both him and them).

This might seem unfair to you, but that seems to be his wish and that should be respected.

Best of luck.

Thank you~just not sure what an appropriate grieving period should be.
We've discussed not following through with a marriage ceremony (as a lot of seniors do), but it doesn't seem to matter.

Leave him, he has made his choice, they are adult kids and they can do what they want, He is suppose to be looking for someone to be in his life till the death due you part thing, And obviously he did not love you enough to choice his and your happiness over that of spoiled kids.

it would only be worst if you stayed with him

He says he loves me & that I will alwaiys be in his life... it's just so hard being apart until his children adjust.

I'm curious depressed, what your fiancé considers enough time. It has been almost 1 1/2 years now. What signs is he looking for that his adult children have adjusted, and does he think that they will then accept you?

Have you spent any time with these family members? Maybe part of the problem is they feel over-protective, and if they knew you better, it might ease their concerns?

There are all kinds of possibilities for their reluctance in accepting the marriage.

But, it isn't them getting married, and ultimately, it will be up to him to make his own decisions as to when is a good time for him, without influence from his family.

I feel sorry that you are stuck in the middle between him and these adult children. It seems very unfair to me.

Thank you~just not sure what an appropriate grieving period should be.
We've discussed not following through with a marriage ceremony (as a lot of seniors do), but it doesn't seem to matter.

I do want to modify my respons now that I know how old his children are... when you said adults I was thinking that they might be in their early 20's or something's since he chose them... but now... knowing that they are in their 40's I want to modify allittle. He still needs his time, they need to adjust as well. (no matter what their age)

I def understand why you are depressed about this and well, grieving is different from everyone... have the two of you talked about that specifically though? How much time he thinks he needs and what would be appropriate?

From your answeres you seem to be a woman who are understanding and patient and the explanation as to what will be done with the houses and estets is a good idea.

I am sure that he thinks he is doing what is best and is trying to not upset the apple cart but their attitude is very selfish, and giving in to them is a sacrifice that he should not have to make.

If they are concerned about their father and his having a full life with another person who cares for him they should be encouraging him to move on and take that shot at happiness.

This in no way defiles the memory of their mother or of their parents marriage.

Are they going to be his companion for years to come? Are they going to be there to care for him should he fall ill?
Are they going to be there to vacation with and share meals and enjoy his golden years or are they going to have their own lives ?

If it were me I would ask for a family meeting (or a dinner)and tell them your intentions and help them to see you are not a gold digger and express to them how selfish they are being.

Depriving their father of happiness is shameful. His allowing it is idiotic!

Put your foot down and make your intentions clear.

I'm curious depressed, what your fiance considers enough time. It has been almost 1 1/2 years now. What signs is he looking for that his adult children have adjusted, and does he think that they will then accept you?

Have you spent any time with these family members? Maybe part of the problem is they feel over-protective, and if they knew you better, it might ease their concerns?

There are all kinds of possibilities for their reluctance in accepting the marriage.

But, it isn't them getting married, and ultimately, it will be up to him to make his own decisions as to when is a good time for him, without influence from his family.

I feel sorry that you are stuck in the middle between him and these adult children. It seems ver unfair to me.


I have met all of his familly... we've spent time with his daughter who says she becomes physically ill when seeing us together. I have written her a letter assuring her that I am not trying to take her dad away from her or trying to replace her mother. He asked her if she expected him to live the rest of his life alone... no answer.

What a horrible thing to say to you, or anybody, under any circumstances. Wow. The only other thing I can think that might explain some of their behaviour is, illness. Are they suffering with any illness, mental or physical? Particularly the one living next door. Do they rely on your fiancé to help them out, financially or otherwise?

That might be some of the explanation, but even at that, your fiancé not setting boundaries, and needing their approval in the first place, with children in their 40's, may not be a 'bond' that you can expect to change. Even if you do marry him, they will be in his back pocket, and there is no guarantee they will be any more respectful or accepting of you, then they are now.

I would love to offer you something positive to think about, or something that may help you, but I'm at a loss to explain the behaviour of your fiancé, or his children.

I am sure that he thinks he is doing what is best and is trying to not upset the apple cart but their attitude is very selfish, and giving in to them is a sacrifice that he should not have to make.

If they are concerned about their father and his having a full life with another person who cares for him they should be encouraging him to move on and take that shot at happiness.

This in no way defiles the memory of their mother or of their parents marriage.

Are they going to be his companion for years to come? Are they going to be there to care for him should he fall ill?
Are they going to be there to vacation with and share meals and enjoy his golden years or are they going to have their own lives ?

If it were me I would ask for a family meeting (or a dinner)and tell them your intentions and help them to see you are not a gold digger and express to them how selfish they are being.

Depriving their father of happiness is shameful. His allowing it is idiotic!

Put your foot down and make your intentions clear.

His daughter & family next door just returned from a cruise. Dad stayed home to feed their horses, chickens, ducks, dogs, cats, etc. He's a very convenient babysitter for the grands and helps his daughter with her remodeling projects.

What a horrible thing to say to you, or anybody, under any circumstances. Wow. The only other thing I can think that might explain some of their behaviour is, illness. Are they suffering with any illness, mental or physical? Particularly the one living next door. Do they rely on your fiance to help them out, financially or otherwise?

That might be some of the explanation, but even at that, your fiance not setting boundaries, and needing their approval in the first place, with children in their 40's, may not be a 'bond' that you can expect to change. Even if you do marry him, they will be in his back pocket, and there is no guarantee they will be any more respectful or accepting of you, then they are now.

I would love to offer you something positive to think about, or something that may help you, but I'm at a loss to explain the behaviour of your fiance, or his children.

His children & grands are in excellent health, mentally & physically... he is diabetic. They are also well off monetarily... his daughter is married to a millionaire who is seldom home, so he helps with the grands & whatever.

I have met all of his familly... we've spent time with his daughter who says she becomes physically ill when seeing us together. I have written her a letter assuring her that I am not trying to take her dad away from her or trying to replace her mother. He asked her if she expected him to live the rest of his life alone... no answer.

In all honesty, I think that this man is pandering TOO much to the expectations of his adult children. I also think that it is not YOUR responsibility to negotiate, or state your intentions to his family - it is HIS.

The situation is ludicrous because they are essentially emotionally blackmailing their father with the memory of their mother. This is not about you making efforts to bring his family on-side, this is about him allowing himself to be manipulated.

I would suggest that an engagement 12 months after the death of his wife may be too soon for him. Clearly he doesn't have the wherewithal to stand up to his family, and at this stage you're not his priority.

If you want to continue the relationship, why don't you ask him to visit you for a while, so that you can get to know each other better without his children around? Give YOURSELF the time to decide if you want to be with him, and if you have the fortitude to deal with such manipulative people in your life.

In all honesty, I think that this man is pandering TOO much to the expectations of his adult children. I also think that it is not YOUR responsibility to negotiate, or state your intentions to his family - it is HIS.

The situation is ludicrous because they are essentially emotionally blackmailing their father with the memory of their mother. This is not about you making efforts to bring his family on-side, this is about him allowing himself to be manipulated.

I would suggest that an engagement 12 months after the death of his wife may be too soon for him. Clearly he doesn't have the wherewithal to stand up to his family, and at this stage you're not his priority.

If you want to continue the relationship, why don't you ask him to visit you for a while, so that you can get to know each other better without his children around? Give YOURSELF the time to decide if you want to be with him, and if you have the fortitude to deal with such manipulative people in your life.

Thank you... I agree with you... sounds like a plan to me.

His children may or may never be able to adjust to your relationship. We cannot predict the future. So why not focus on the things that you can control?

I think that you should just focus on building a stronger relationship with this man. If you're both still willing to make this work, then keep moving forward. Continue to get to know each other better and enjoy the time that you do spend together, beit on the phone or in person.

His children may or may never be able to adjust to your relationship. We cannot predict the future. So why not focus on the things that you can control?

I think that you should just focus on building a stronger relationship with this man. If you're both still willing to make this work, then keep moving forward. Continue to get to know each other better and enjoy the time that you do spend together, beit on the phone or in person.

Thank you... we are doing that.

Because they are selfish simple minded people and if he is not willing to cut the cord they will forever be controlling his life with or without you. Been there done that