Thread moved to marriage section

I need help now. I need to talk about some things maybe privately but I am literally punching, kicking, throwing stuff, doing everything to relieve anger but it isn't working.

I will be a bit more helpful with this post. In the past, I haven't done too great of things and nor has she but she has pushed me too far. Lying, not telling the truth or the whole truth. I need someone.

I need a phone number I can call like now...

If you present your situation here, we will all be able to help you with your problem. The more facts that you provide, the more that we can help.

Well, good part is that the police just left so I believe I am currently getting better. Now that I am more at ease, I shall attempt to tell all the details.


Basically, my wife and I have been married for the past 2 years and been together for 3. We have a child that was born November 2nd of 2008 so she is just a bit over 1 year old. At the time of our wedding, things were going quite all right but she started to get a bit "sick"(She had hyperemisis gravaderum which is basically a REALLY bad morning sickness). This was also the first inclination we were going to have a child. At that time, I was lost, I didn't know what to do. I mean we were trying to have a kid but it was so surreal. I tried to put it behind me and move on a bit.

I ventured towards another girl which in turn, was my wife's cousin which I know is one of the worst things I could do and I do regret. Her cousin and I were talking quite a bit due to the fact we worked together. Eventually we talked enough and she had a nice butt so I asked to touch it and she didn't digress so I did. Just the single time. Soon after that is when my wife started to get suspicious and her and I ended with a tragic ending.

My thought was to still speak with her via email but that was few to none. I only received like 4 emails or so and I sent somewhere around 10 so I gave up. This started a downwards spiral I didn't get out of until recently. Basically there was a guy she currently works with and they started talking. I was cool with him at first but I started to get suspicious about the whole thing because she mentioned him quite a bit.

This guy was then started to message her on Facebook which I thought was okay and stuff and I started to do some research. Nothing too big about it... They were talking. I since then have came clean to my wife about EVERYTHING. I told her I lost my virginity to her, she was the 3rd person I kissed, that I had touched her cousin's butt, and that was about it. At that time, she informed me she had been talking to this guy since July of last year for about every day. Her and I didn't even talk every day but she left some stuff out. I was pretty upset about the every day thing and you know, got over it and said they could still talk.

The next day, she called me when she got off work and told me she was taking this dude home. It pissed me off so bad that I threw the phone and shattered it against the wall. Eventually, I got over that as well. Passed 3 days have been really crappy by the way. The next day, I deleted her Facebook. And today, I reactivated it and started reading old messages...

Come to find out, this guy had came into MY home, played with MY child, and the bad part is, when she told me she had been talking to him, she wanted me to feel what she felt and told me they did it. I didn't believe it but she kept harping and harping on it so I started to believe her even though I KNEW it wasn't true. THis was seriously stuck in my head.


We will call this the seed of deceit. This seed seriously made me stomp around my work, punching concrete walls just because the imagination I have kept making it true. I came home this morning and asked her if they did it, she said no.

She is now at work which is where everything hit the fan. I started, like I said, looking at her Facebook today and found out he was in my house... This angered me severely, I don't know what they did, what happened, all I know is they played with my child... The police just left, I am an emotional wreck but my child is my number 1 priority.

It will remain that way too.


Luckly, my mother in law has the child right now so I just saved myself a bit of pain and hurt.

OK your situation is, to say the least, very complicated but that is the downside to having any relationship, once emotions are involved it becomes complicated.

I have to say that although lying on your wife's part is not good, I'm sure that she saw it as some retribution for the relationship you had with her cousin.

Going into other people's private correspondence is never a good thing. We never get a happy feeling from what we find and we never get the full story. Moreover, our mind starts to run away with us and we imagine all sorts of things that may or may not have happened.

The basis for a relationship is trust. And the trust between your wife and yourself is severely damaged. You need to try, on both of your parts to repair this. There can be no relationship without trust.

If you both sit down and be completely honest with each other, not just regarding relationships that you both have had but also the emotions that lead you there and that those relationships brought for you.

It is only with a totally open and honest exchange of feelings that you will have half a chance of reconciliation. You need also to understand, both of you, that the health of your relationship and the mental well being of your child, in turn, depends on this.

I will assume that both of you are good parents and if you need a reason to push for a real relationship then let your child be it.

Finally, it seems to me that you two have lost sight of why you fell in love with each other and you need to find that again. When the dust starts to settle you both need to make a conscious effort to reignite the relationship that you have. Make each other feel special and wanted again. It's not easy, but a relationship never is.

What you said is quite helpful but kind of reiderated what the police told me. A counsellor is probably our best bet. The openness and honesty is where my secrets hit the fan. But she didn't tell me everything. Honestly, don't know if she has but I am hoping that in about an hour she will spill the beans and let me know what happened totally.

I think before you talk with your wife you need to think about your anger issues. Honestly I would be terrified as a wife to talk with you over these things if I knew you reacted like that.

May I ask why the cops just left your house?

I think you need to think of the bigger picture before you talk to your wife.

You have both done wrong in the past, we all have done things that we regret.

Both of you may have things that you need to tell but you need to be honest if you hope to make your marriage work.

The cops left because I was in a few moments of rage, anger, being distraught, out of body, indecisive, suicidal, homicidal, basically anything negative you can think, was me at that point in time.

I called a help line and they referred me to some piece of crap agency but I needed face to face interaction so I called the police. 3 officers showed up, helped me out and gave me a card to get me on the right track.

First they wanted to put me in protective custody for 72 hours but they ruled it out because I was obviously not going to hurt myself. Then, the option of taking me to the hospital and being reviewed by a doctor was then again, ruled out because I had thought some things over while they stood there and said some things about making everything better and that my child needed me so they ended up giving me a card with a crisis line number and some counsellors numbers on it.


My mind was blown and now I am in the regret phase, I have already told my wife I love her and found out to what extent happened between the two of them. I don't appreciate him coming into my house but it was something my wife "needed" at the time.

I am glad you knew you had to talk to someone and that you needed help. But at the same time your amount of rage and anger worries me and should worry you also.

You need to sit back and look at the big picture. You did your wife wrong first with her cousin. She also turned to someone else. Your both in the wrong. You can't hold this against her 100%.

Your still newly married for crying out loud. It shouldn't be like this. Why aren't you turning to each other? Why did you turn away when she needed you most during her pregnancy? Her turned to her cousin. Your wife needed you and you turned away.

She also turned away to another man when she should have came to you. The old saying is two wrongs don't make a right. Trust me I have been there and I know.

I would suggest counseling for your anger and for the marriage. Start over and fresh.