I was recently raped and that brought a flood of memories in the past of my grandfather molesting me. My life has changed from once having joy and loving my family, to being a hermit locked up in my room.
I don't want to get out of bed but made myself for the holidays to show my face, then I find myself tallking about all the fun times I had with my grandpa, OMg what is wrong with me. I am so depressedd I just want to die. My kids and family know what has happen and you would think I would get for myself for them, I tried once but all the men just terrifiy me. I am locked in my jail amd see know way out.

I saw a few of your previous posts and realize that you have had a difficult time. You must realize you are not alone and when you can meet others that have been through trauma, it will help you tremendously.

You will be healed by three things:
1. A therapist and contacts of those that have been through trauma. You must connect.
2. Your own two feet.
3. A commitment to stick with a good therapist, once you find one.

Forget about the money if it is expensive, find a way to get to a therapist, even if you have to walk yourself down to the County and ask Social Services. I see that other people have tried to help you on this website and you are going into a rut.

Please get help!! You are loved and not alone and need to know that. It is now becoming serious, please pick up the phone tomorrow and find someone. This is a great place to start:
EMDR Institute, Inc. (http://www.emdr.com)

I must add that this was in one of your previous posts that you wrote to someone else...
"IAm so sorry for all the pain your in I sadly have been where your at. If you are not sleeping and still having some problems maybe talk to some one or if it gets real bad you might want to visit your DR. Keep telling your self this to shall pass, thats the truth things will get that is a promise."

You have the brains, girl, just keep following through with help!