Entire story merged

I've been dating this guy for awhile now. He's my first "boyfriend" really. I've never had anybody last as long as he has. But I'm afraid about a couple of things that just recently came up that could break our relationship. I need help.

What kind of things are bugging you.. be more specific if you can! :)

You need to post your concerns.

Well, first of all. I am pure. I have never done anything but kiss a guy really. After dating this guy for a long while, I think we've fallen in love. He tells me that he loves me & would love to spend the rest of his life with me. But I recently found out, that he had sex with this girl before me. They dated for about a two years. This bothers me. Should it? I wanted to find someone who is a virgin. But I'm already head over heels.

Wow I am in the same situation as you except I learned to just let go of his past and move on with him. I was pure and my Fiancé was not, But it took me a long time to realize how much better everything would be if I just see him for how he is with me and not worry about what he has done before me and him. You know? I don't know if this even helps but I just want you to know your not a lone. :)
For me (to help me move on and let it go) I had to ask a lot of questions. Maybe you should try sitting down with him and explaining to him how this effects you. You can't judge him from his past because with out his past he wouldn't be the guy you know and love today! :)

If my prereq for a good mate was getting a virgin, man... I wouldve missed out on some great relationships... including my wife. Married to her for 6 great years. Not only wasn't she a virgin *gasp* but she had a child from a previous relationship when she was just in college.

If this is a big hangup, get over it. Period. Judging a guy by whether he's had or not had sex is dumb. Now if he sleeps around a lot, diff matter.

But don't expect all great guys in the world to wait around for you. The not a virgin thing needs to be left behind.

Guys develop a lot faster then girls do.. so not to burst you bubble or anything but most guys loose their virginity very early in life you I think you will have a really hard time trying to find a guy you can love like you do your boyfriend and him be a virgin as well.. ( I am not saying settle for anybody though :_)you really can't find EVERYTHING you want in a man just some of the important things like treating you right and loving you for who you are... which you need to as well- love him for who he is- :)

I guess all of you are right. It's just, I'm afriad that he might still have feelings for her. Since she was his "first" & all. That's something that is always going to be there. I'm afraid of the same thing happening to me, what happened between them. You know, a repeat from the past. It's hard to me to accept it, but I guess that's what it's going to have to come down to.

I had the exact feeling.. and you know to this day my man stills thinks of her it was his first love. You know but he never ever wishes he was with her still and I know that. He may think of her and everything ( by the way we have been together 4 years) but I know he is with me and that is what he wants for the rest of his life. You have to trust him, obviously he is with you not her.. right! :) be confident in yourself he wants you!

My "first" was 42 years ago. I have no feelings for her... :)

You can ASK him if he has feelings for this other girl.. my guess is he doesn't. No relationship is guaranteed - you need to look for signs that the relationship is working or it isn't working. If it is, then enjoy every moment of it... jonB

Let me know if this helps you at all!

Wow. Thanks. This helps a lot. But another thing. You don't think that since his last relationship was sexual, he's going to expect the same thing from me, to get over the previous girl do you? I'm seriously head over heels for this boy. & he "claims" he feels the same. But I don't want to be the next girl that just came a long. You know, the "rebound." it's so hard for me to talk to him about this. I wish someone would understand.

I don't think so.. Just make sure that you keep strong. If you want to wait, wait there is absolutely no pressure and if he decides that he wants some and you don't want to give it up.. don't you better off without him.. of course know that, that might not happen that way.. I mean my fiancé never pushed I was the one who did it on my free will.. you man should never ever make you do anything you don't feel comfortable with. I am sure you guys are going to be great!

As for you being the rebound girl no way.. guys who just want sex don't date virgins! They date the towns "bike" if you know what I mean :)

Believe me I understand you, I have just recently gotten over my mans past.. I mean it took me a long long time because I was afraid of talking to anybody let a lond him but one day io couldn't take it anymore and he told me everything I wanted to know even though it hurt.. we have been great ever since :0

This guy needs to know up front that as much as you like someone, and even if they like you, you will not have sex with them. As hard as it is to tell him this, I think its very important that you do and don't just try and brush it under the rug hoping it goes away.

I applaud you for keeping your virginity and staying pure. In this day and age that is unfortunately very rare. It will be hard to not give in to your feelings, but not impossible. Our feelings can sometimes get us into trouble, that's why we constantly need to be asking ourselves if what we are doing is right, not that it "feels" right. Be true to yourself and to the reasons you chose to stay pure. He needs to respect your wishes and be a gentleman if he wants to be with you. Never do anything you are not 1 million percent sure you want to do, and even then, think it over once more. Once virginity is gone, its gone. If he is genuine, he will understand. If he decides that he needs to be with someone who is willing to give it up, then so be it, he wasn't the one for you.

I totally agree 100% :)

You haven't specified what these "things" are that have you concerned, so it's hard to give you much advice. Your best bet is to come right out and discuss these concerns with your boyfriend. If there are any red flag issues going on then you certainly want to be wary of those.

As far as worrying about whether he still has feelings for his ex, does his behavior and conversation seem to indicate this? Usually it's pretty obvious. If it doesn't, then you probably have nothing to worry about.

No. He doesn't talk about her unless I bring her up. Which, I shouldn't. Nobody likes to talk about their ex's I don't suppose. He swears up & down that what they had was a mistake, & he regrets it more then ever. He told me that he wished that he would have saved himself for me. I do believe he's sincere about all this. & what happened in the past is in the past. There isn't nothing anybody can do. He asked for my forgiveness and he got it. Thanks for all you guys help. I needed it.. I'm sure I have nothing to worry about.

Okay so here's what's happening now. If you read my post last time, or if you didn't, I was talking about how me & my boyfriend have been dating for some while, but that I recently found out that he was in a 2-year relationship before me, and they were sexual active & everything & that I was worried. Some of you told me that she was an EX for a reason, but others feel that he might still have feelings for her, and that he's just with me to get over the previous girl. All this is coming down on me. I don't know whether to trust him. He told me that she was a mistake, & that if he could, he would take EVERYTHING back & save it for me, because I'm pure and haven't done anything with a guy really except kiss. :p So I took this into my own hands. I asked him if he loved her, & he said NO. He said that everything that happened between them was out of stupidity. :-/ But then whenever I asked some of his friends, they told me that he was whipped. Head of HEELS in love with her. She's a really pretty girl too for that matter. I'm not saying that I'm "unattractive" no, but I'm not going to sound too conceited. But I'm just afraid that he's going to want SOMETHING out of me to get over her. Even reading comments that he used to leave her on MYSPACE kills me. I mean how ridiculous is that? & I was even at his house the other day, and I was sort of "snoopping" (I guess you could say) through one of his drawers. I mean guys, he's still got pictures AMONG pictures of them two together. And notes & everything! My thinking is, if someone hurt me, like really HURT ME, I would make a point to throw away anything that reminded me of them. I mean c'mon now.

Help...

OK now that I know a little more information here is my opioion...
NEVER judge someone by there past... it has nothing to do with you!! It should not effect your relationship with him.
But let me tell you why I say that to you, Remember how I told you I had to go through the same thing you are going through with my Finance..?. well I had bad issues as well I was pure and I hated the fact that he wasn't but I loved everything about him... I went snooping about a year and a half into hour relationship and found a picture of his ex hanging inside his safe.. 1 1/2 later... I was mortified!! That is along time to have his pictures of his ex... so I confronted him about it... he told me straight out... she was his first love and he couldn't bring himself to throw it away yet... well I was pissed because 2 months into our relationship he found all my pictures of my ex and he ripped them up and threw them away in front of me... so I was mad and I told him I didn't like the fact that he still had that picture especially hanging up... I mean at least your boyfriends pictures are in a drawer.. well to make this very long story short he burned it in front of me to let me know he was over her... (by the way him and his girlfriend never broke up... her dad hated him and so her dad sent her away with out even saying goodbye or anything... so that is a really HURTful situation)


So he may have loved her ( she was his first)
So he may still have a little bit of feelings for her.. that is OK.. the whole big point here is that he is with YOU no one else just you!! You can ask him why he still has pictures of them together and you can tell him you don't like it.. but let him get rid of them in his own time...


Just keep telling yourself HE IS WITH YOU NOW NOT HER..

Let it go. Who cares about her - she was an ex and 2 years is a pretty long time.

Is he with her now? No. It's broken for a reason.

Get past it. Pictures are a funny thing, they bring back memories of the way you used to feel about a person at that time. He may be fond of the way he felt when he was with her, so what, that's in his past, akuna matata!

Live in the now, be with him, mind and soul now, don't let an ex blow it for you. Don't worry about the sleeping with him part, even if he does come to expect it, you do what is right for you, which seems to be remaining pure until you're old enough and in a committed relationship. Remember, giving yourself like that is a once in a lifetime and it comes with risks, risks of being hurt, getting pregnant and regret. Don't do anything you're not ready for.

It sounds like you worry too much. Just take it as it comes.

Either enjoy the fact that the two of you are together or leave the poor guy alone. He is not the problem, nor is his ex. YOU are.

Okay, yeah I've been dating this guy for... 7 months now. & I have YET to get over his past relationship with his previous girl before me because they were each other's FIRST. He says that he doesn't think about her anymore & doesn't care about her.. but still... I just think that whenever THAT TIME comes for me & him... then it's not going to mean as much because he's already experienced it with another girl... so can anyone give me some good advice? I have to get over this. But its so hard to let it go because I can just close my eyes at night & see them two together!! It's killing me inside... urgh.

If it bugs ditch him if you haven't had sex yet you obviously don't know what he is thinking about but if the last girl was his first I guarantee he will be thinking of her

I can't ditch him. I'm head over heels in love with him.

Have you been with another man

No I haven't.

I WAS IN THIS SAME SITUATION! I went out with a guy for about 7 months, and I knew it was our time, but he had already lost his virginity to his last girlfriend of about 2 months. I was so upset because wanted it to be special for him--i felt the same way as you do now. First off, make sure you are READY to lose it to him and you know he's the one. Did he love his last girlfriend? How long did they go out? How often did they do it? Do you love each other?

If you really love him as much as you say you do then if you think its going to last go for it. It's hard to get those things out of your head but in time they will fade away slowly, try talking to him about it and when the time comes, make sure the time is right and you know its going to last forever before you do it. Good luck!

Okay Guys.
I Am 100 % In Love With This Guy.
We've Been Dating For 7 Months.
& I Can't See Myself With Anyone Else.


Yesterday I Made A Mistake.
A Couple Of Years Ago... I Fell In Love With This Guy. [ My First Love ]
Yesterday He Asked Me To Go Get Some Coffee With Him. You Know, Just To Sit Down & Talk. Since We Haven't In Awhile.
I Agreed To Go.

Once I Got Up To Leave..
He Kissed Me.
I Feel Horrible.
I Feel Like I've Cheated On My Boyfriend Who I Love More Than Anything In This Entire World.
& The Girl That He Is Dating Now Is One Of My Really Really Good Friends.
Should I Tell Her?
Should I Tell My Boyfriend?
Help..!

Be honest and tell your boyfriend everything. It will hurt, and your boyfriend won't be too happy, but it will save you from the soul-killing guilt that will consume you if you don't tell him.

Your better off to tell them right now and explain it meant nothing and that you didn't want to kiss him but it happened. That you backed away and felt horrible, because if they find out by someone else their going to think the reason you didn't tell them is because it meant something to you.

Be honest and tell your bf everything. It will hurt, and your bf won't be too happy, but it will save you from the soul-killing guilt that will consume you if you don't tell him.

This is a confusing one. On the one hand if you tell him, you will no longer feel guilty and you won't be giving your ex a chance to control your relationship with the guy you love and after all the kiss wasn't your fault, it couldn't be helped. On the other hand, I wonder if you told your boyfriend that you were meeting up with this guy in the first place and if you didn't then why? It could be that your ex still has a hold on you and you will need to deal with that, this doesn't change the fact that you love your boyfriend, there may just be a few things to deal with to ensure that this situation doesn't happen again.

Did you kiss him back, long and sweet, and with feeling, or was it just that he planted a little peck on you before you knew what was happening? If the latter, don't torture yourself and don't tell anybody, just be on your guard and don't let him get away with it again. If the former, you need to seriously examine your heart and mind, and if you have been harboring feelings for him, maybe you need to back off from both relationships for awhile and decide who you really love.

This is indeed a sticky situation. First of all, when he kissed you did you kiss him back?
If you did kiss him back, you should feel guilty. Maybe you feel guilty because you didn't confront your ex about kissing you. Bottom line, if you kissed him back, you should tell your boyfriend.He has the right to know.
On the other hand, if you didn't kiss him back, you were caught off guard. So, it is not your fault. If you didn't kiss him back then do not mention it to your boyfriend. You must tell him you went out with your ex to cover yourself. You never know when it might pop up again.
As for your friend, I probably wouldn't tell her. Since it wasn't your fault, you shouldn't tell her because she will probably blame you

Well your first mistake, was not to tell your boyfriend that you were going to see your ex boyfriend. (if you didn't)

2. if you just let your ex boyfriend kiss you and you didn't say anything.

You have to tell your boyfriend, tell him you didn't want to kiss him, but he kissed you. And apoligize if you didn't tell him that you were going to see him, since you thought he'd get mad and say no. well if he said no, maybe you could listen to your boyfriend. But then your boyfriend can't tell you who to be friends with. However, he tells you no, because see what happened, what your boyfriend would fear happened.

So you're in a bad situation, but you have to tell your boyfriend and work things out. And also stay away from ex for a while and you'll see how your feelings for him will die slowly. But every time he tries to talk to you or you see him, everything will come back.

Ooops richsaha2007 I thought you said not to tell HIM!
I read wrong sorry.

Be honest and don't make a big deal out of nothing and if he makes a big deal out of it let him stew in his own juice and be sorry later. Love is understanding, not blaming.

Did you kiss him back, long and sweet, and with feeling, or was it just that he planted a little peck on you before you knew what was happening? If the latter, don't torture yourself and don't tell anybody, just be on your guard and don't let him get away with it again. If the former, you need to seriously examine your heart and mind, and if you have been harboring feelings for him, maybe you need to back off from both relationships for awhile and decide who you really love.

I agree with this, although I feel that even if it was just a "little peck" that the boyfriend has the right to know. Would you rather have your boyfriend be a little angry, though appreciate your honestly, or if he somehow finds out in the future, not be able to trust a thing you say, because you hid something relatively innocent from him.

Don't tell him anything. It was nothing, you just went for a drink. If you tell your boyfriend I can promise you he will say ''If you love me, why did you go out with your ex and have a drink and allow him to kiss you!! '' and then you will be stuck. Don't say anything about it. Just forget it and move on, your with your boyfriend and that's all that matters. Just don't meet your ex again xxxx

You should tell him... your relationship should be build on trust.put yourself in his shoes... would you want to know? What if you got married and he told you about something like this what would you think? The sooner you tell him the better because the longer you keep this from him.. the harder its going to be to convince him it didn't mean anything.the key is how you tell... what I wouldve done is come home mad... and for him to be all like what's wrong... and I wouldve been like... so and so invited me to grab a drink and I stupidly went because him and his girl is good people but anyway when I got their he tried to kiss me!explain to him when he did it you got up and left and felt bad because your in love with your current b/f and good friends with his g/f.explain to you b/f you felt stupid because you honestly went there as a friend!

You kind of are guilty of cheating, in sprit if not literally. You and he are now both seeing other people so I'm not at all sure that going for coffee followed by a good-bye kiss was appropriate. Your relationship ended for a reason so there's really no good to come from "blasting to the past" now. I'm not sure I would tell anyone at this point but give it some good long and hard thought for future reference.

THis is anold thred

I've been dating this boy for over a year now. & I used to adore his family. The feeling was mutual towards me. They loved me. But the other day, I was the mall with a big group of friends... guys and girls both involved. My boyfriend, however, wasn't with us. But he knew ahead of time that I was going to be there and he trusted me.
Well someone saw us. The big group of us at the mall. And it got back to my boyfriend's father. And I got a very LOVELY phone call from his father later that day. Basically telling me how I was no longer going to be with his son, because I wasn't going to hurt him. [ you can add a couple of bad words in there too. ;-) ]
So right about now I'm freaking out. Because an innocent trip to the mall turned into a nightmare. Now I'm not allowed to date his son because I'm "cheating" on him.
& my boyfriend is 18. & I'm 17.
What's the deal here?
I love this boy with all my heart. & now our relationship has been ruined by his family accusing me of something I didn't do.
How am I suppose to gain "trust" back? I haven't done anything!! : (

Has your boyfriend told his family that he knew you was with them? Why did they get the impression you was cheating. Try getting your boyfriend to talk to them. If he is 18 he should be able to make his own mind up but also talk to his parents and explain that you were just out with friends. Sorry can't be of more help.

How a dad gets personally involved is beyond me, but this sounds like something your b/f has to take care of and you just have to wait until he does.

I am 19 years old, and I've been with my high school sweetheart for almost 4 years now- we are expecting a baby in march, live together & are now engaged. Sounds about perfect from an eagle's perspective, right?

Well, last year- I ended up breaking up with him, because of fights/family issues that I didn't want to deal with- the normal break up situation, and we were apart for 6 months. Needless to say, even though I initiated the break up- it still killed me to be away from him, but I needed the time to get myself together emotionally- didn't want to date anyone, just needed time to myself to figure out if this relationship was healthy for me, and at the time it wasn't.

He dated another girl, which bothered me at the time but I didn't show it- and him & I didn't talk during the time either, except for one night, he called me crying/missing me/wanting to see me- and I gave in and went to see him. Told me that this wasn't right, that he wanted to be with me and that dating someone else had made him realise, and about that time in my life I knew that it was the right time to make it right with him again- so I gave him time to break up with her, and we got back together- not too long after I got pregnant :D

I never EVER let the girl he dated before bother me, until now. UNTIL I'M 8 MONTHS PREGNANT- I found out he slept with her. He is my first and only, and even though we were apart, I figured he would respect the fact that he "cared for me" so much not to jump in bed with someone else. I know it was probably out of retaliation, but here lately it has made me question whether he is the person for me- I don't ever bring it up, but anyone can tell if you're around me that something is just not right anymore.

Needless to say- I still love and care about him, but it HURTS so bad to think that he did that. I somewhat feel betrayed- and I don't want my little man to pay for his father's stupid mistake. Can anyone help me or give me some insight? I'm young and am in really need of an emotional boost.

Thanks all-Brittany

Technically speaking,you were broken up,so I wouldn't say he cheated on you.
Have you been able to talk to him at all about your feelings ?
If not,I think you should.

I agree with amicon, you two were broken up and even though he cared for you, you ended it which meant he should try to move on. I'm not saying it shouldn't bother you, but you also can't hold it against him. Could it be that you're pregnant and emotional that it's bothering you right now?

Communicate with him, see what he says, he cannot change the past but can help you understand it perhaps?

Hi Brittany,

I understand that you are feeling hurt about finding out that your fiancé had slept with a girl during your break. Sometimes we have certain expectations of our loved ones in our lives and I can see that it's bothering you that it seems as though he didn't respect his feelings for caring about you enough to not sleep with this girl.

Did you have a clear communication with him about what was expecting during this breakup or did you just assume he wasn't going to date around? Have you tried to put yourself in his shoes? How do you think he was feeling during all of this since you're the one that dumped him? Sometimes people seek solace in another person's arms, and I while it's not something I'd personally do I can hardly blame him for doing that. And we can't ignore the fact that a break up is a break up - do you feel it is really fair to hold someone accountable to you while they're not in a relationship with you?

You should definitely discuss these feelings with him as both amicon and Rome have stated - hiding or burying your feelings about something like this is not good for a relationship as it can lead to resentment. You can get passed this if you try and what's important that he's around now, right?

I understand. I was in a LDR and when we had broken up, he ended up with another girl. It killed me, but we talked about it, I was honest with him, and we ended up moving past it. It took time, but I forgave him and we moved on.

That's the key: honest communication, sincere forgiveness, and erasing it from the relationship. It is not something that can be brought up again and thrown in the face of the relationship.

You two need to sit down and talk about it. In my opinion, you two were broken up (as I was with my LDR), and technically, it wasn't cheating... but it was a breach of trust. I get it; I know what you're feeling. I felt it. But it was something that he had chosen to do during the period when he was hurting from the break up.

If, after talking honestly about what you're feeling, you decide that you can forgive and forget - do that. Choose to forget that it happened.

It's hard, but it seems like you have a relationship that has withstood time, troubles, and heartaches before; you have a history with this man, a relationship that has been cultivated through years of ups and downs, and a future family in the making.

Now is the time to decide if you're going to be able to get past it and move on.

Once you do, it's done. I wish you the best of luck!

Yes, I have talked to him about it- the night I found out. She actually messaged me on fb and told me about it, for some reason I figured she was trying to start drama, so I deleted my account & tried to forget about it. Besides- Him & I are a family now, I wasn't going to let anyone interfere anymore. But it ate at me- and I asked him about it, and he admitted it.

He cried alot- which made me feel like he was really sincere or just really manipulative. :/ Mom told me to tell him that I forgive him and never to bring it up again- basically fake it to make it kind of deal. I just hope that I'm lucky enough to forget about it one day. But as of right now, I feel like I'm barely hanging on emotionally.

I don't want to bring it up to him anymore, because I don't want to cause problems or add on to any hurt- and I could tell that he wanted to drop the subject the moment I asked.

Anyone know any self-help rituals or any way to really get past this? It's consuming my every thought- making it hard for me to be close to him and stressing out me and my unborn. Just need more advice than just forgiveness- because I really don't think I've learned how to do that.

Thanks

But the thing is, sweetie, a relationship is about two people... two people that are dedicated to making it work, trying to help each other along the way, and sharing a single life beating with two hearts. A relationship is a partnership - in everything. When one half of the partnership is not happy or is hurting, it suffers.

Personally, I think that you need to talk to him about it. It's not OK that it's eating you up inside and you feel that you can't talk to him. He should be the one person that you feel you can tell anything.

You're not trying to rub his face in it... you're trying to heal.

I'm so sorry that you're "just barely hanging on emotionally." That is a hard walk to lead.

Talking helps. Whether on here (this place is an amazing healer... it helps people - myself included - talk through things.) or to a trusted confidante.

Do you have a pastor or minister that you could talk to? A priest? A trusted friend? Even your Mom. She knows the situation.

Forgiveness is rough. It is a mental choice to actively forgive... I always thought that forgiveness was a one time thing - but it's not. It's an action. Sometimes, the act of forgiving a person takes time.

You know that he loves you, he apologized, and was sincere in his apology. Dwell on that.

We're here for you! :)