Recently my spouse of decades was "friended" by a long term high school lover... of whom I had heard plenty about from my spouse over the years (this may even be the person my spouse first had sex with). Up until this point, they had not been in contact since they became a non-couple (I do not know why they split up).

I saw this "friend" invitation in our joint email account, and when I recognized the name, I told my spouse that I believed reconnecting with former lovers was something that spouses generally should not do, and certainly should not do if their spouse was not comfortable about it. I also questioned the former lover's motives for reconnecting with their former lover(s?) and whether this person's own spouse (of many years) would support, or even know, that their spouse was doing so.

My spouse responded that I was being a control freak and that my discomfort conveyed a distrust as to my spouse's motives, in effect accusing my spouse of seeking to ""cheat" on me by "friending" the former lover. My spouse said "I'm just curious to hear about my old friend's life and share my own history with that old friend". My spouse felt reasonably sure that that is all that would come of this reconnecting.

Since then, there has been an almost daily exchange between them (something I was concerned would ensue), albeit it has been, for the most part, relatively superficial.

I am most definitely hurt and angered by my spouse re-establishing a relationship with a former lover.

"My spouse responded that I was being a control freak"

She has started to resent you and is looking back at her past.
The past is all one has to carry with them for solace.
She is undoubtedly bored in the relationship at the moment.

If you're with the so called "right partner" or you're enjoying your life
There is no reason to re-visit the past because you're busy living in the present.

Just pick up your game man, and re-do / revisit all the things that made your woman want you in the first place. This includes being who you were before.

You have captured this red flag so if it's worth it to you, start now !

<---snip

OK I miss-read "my spouse of decades".. .
If she's your spouse of decades you should already know her inside out
And you should be completely comfortable with what she's doing, also you should be old enough to not let jealousy get the best of you.

Anyway, my advice is try to make life exciting, that's all she wants. That's all any woman wants in her life, some excitement.
Don't complain about what she's doing or she will attack you more and she will feel the further need to look outside for her excitement.

Just bring back the excitement into your relationship and she will be too distracted with all the excitement. Be subtle at first, if you lay on too much excitement, she will know something's going on. So bring it up slowly to a peak over a few months. Eventually she will ask you why have things changed.. . Months later and you see her happy. You tell her that you love her and you love to see her when she's happy and you thought you'd like to live it up again like we used to.

Oh and ignore your anger and your hurt feelings, or at least don't show them to her, at all. This is the fuel she will use to burn your relationship.

If not look out ! :eek:

Anyway, my advice is try to make life exciting, that's all she wants. That's all any woman wants in her life, some excitement.

Please stop making broad generalizations. I am a woman who has been married for a couple decades and I treasure contentment. I love the ability to just relax with my husband. It means I am in an emotionally stable place.

quantum2, has your wife said anything about him over the years that would make you think she wants to revisit the past?

When you first saw the invite, did you have a discussion with her about how each of you felt or did you attempt to tell her how you felt and she had to 'argue' to get you to listen to her feelings?

Do you feel the same way about any strangers that she has friended? What about old friends (not boyfriends)?

Jealousy is an internal strife that is projected on another person. If you are feeling jealous of her communicating with him in any way, then you need to think about why you are feeling insecure. Have there been any changes in your relationship, your health, etc. that might have you feeling defensive about the contact?

You both need to sit down and have an open and honest discussion about your feelings and concerns. Listening to each other as much as talking. Communicate with each other. Set boundaries together that you both can live within.

Remember that along with communication, trust is a very important. If you don't trust her, then there is a problem somewhere.

I agree that after at least 20 years together, there is an extremely low probability that she's looking for some excitement on the side.

Does she know you are reading her posts to her old friend? That doesn't seem right either.

Not sure why you don't trust her, unless she's one prone to affairs in the past.

I would let up, let go of the jealousy, the relationship was long over, decades ago. It is ancient history.

Let them talk about their lives, and all the people that they knew way back then.

If this is all there is to your concern, I'd say you have no reason whatsoever, to worry.

Now go give her a hug and let this go.

My question is - why does this bother you so much?

I would have absolutely NO problem with my husband talking through F/Book with a former GF. I note you use the word 'lover', which is revealing in itself. What are you afraid of?

The interaction seems innocent enough to me and I understand your spouse's irritated response to your attempt to control them. Why wouldn't they be interested to find out about someone they had previously cared about?

Step back for a moment and examine your own feelings of distrust and insecurity. This relationship was decades ago. It's the relationship that you currently have with each other that's most important!

Please stop making broad generalizations. I am a woman who has been married for a couple decades and I treasure contentment. I love the ability to just relax with my husband. It means I am in an emotionally stable place.


Excitement, contentment, whatever.
You don't give someone who is bored, contentment.
Contentment comes after excitement.

Excitement, contentment, whatever.
You don't give someone who is bored, contentment.
Contentment comes after excitement.

You are the one who says she is bored. He doesn't. He says she catching up and being acquaintances with an very old ex-boyfriend.

You are the one saying 'all any woman wants'. I am explaining that I am a woman and I want something more than 'excitement'. I also know that if I were to have contact with a boyfriend after decades, it wouldn't have anything to do with 'boredom' or a want/desire for 'excitement'. It would be a genuine desire to catch up on where we each are in our lives and the people that we have kept in touch with that the other lost contact with over the years. It definitely would not be anywhere close to wanting to pick up where we left off. My husband is ALL I want, need, or desire. I am glad that I know he trusts me as much as I trust him.

I hope that the op and his wife can sit down and discuss this like partners and work together instead of him 'guessing' what she wants or needs.

It is interesting that gender entered into this Q&A (and stuck) even though I did not specify gender.

This article addresses most of the questions asked of me New Page 7 (http://www.jannagraber.com/firstlove.htm)... most especially the 4th and 5th paragraphs from the bottom.

Stated another way, in my opinion my spouse is naively playing with potential fire and by doing so implicitly conveying that my concerns/emotions and our relationship is less important than my spouses curiosity/reminiscence.

If he's come onto the internet to ask what to do about his private life, it's way past the talking stage of sitting down to discuss like partners. She isn't going to talk about it with him, she's going to attack him or become defensive whenever he brings up this topic.

If she's communicating to her high school lover almost daily as this guy says, I'm sure she's full of contentment.

quantum2 : > It is interesting that gender entered into this Q&A (and stuck) even though I did not specify gender.

What are you saying quantum2 ? (You saying you are not a man ?)
Paragraph 4 and 5 from the bottom explains a lot.
She's definitely looking at her past through rose colored glasses.

You have every right to feel how you do, she is playing with fire which could destroy your marriage.

I should also note that my spouse's ex (more recently) reported that their spouse is now in a coma (several weeks long).

This has resulted in increasingly frequent and emotional exchanges/bonding between them with one exchange from the ex ending with "You are so far away in time and space".

Rightly or wrongly, I cannot help but interpret that as a longing/pining for a closer relationship (i.e. more than distant/platonic).

And yes, I am attacked and my spouse does become defensive, to the point of not allowing me to finish a sentence, when I ask to speak about this.

After an evening of conflict with my spouse about this last night, my spouse sent me this message in email (because we got to the point of not being able to have a civil conversation).

"I feel that you do not trust me and that is the underlying problem - I cannot fix this."

I responded that trust was not the issue, and I pointed out the article (and the ex's seemingly lojnging/pining, "where there is smoke ...") was the basis of my (increasing) concerns. No response from my spouse yet.

And yes, I am attacked and my spouse does become defensive, to the point of not allowing me to finish a sentence, when I ask to speak about this.

After an evening of conflict with my spouse about this last night, my spouse sent me this message in email (because we got to the point of not being able to have a civil conversation).

"I feel that you do not trust me and that is the underlying problem - I cannot fix this."

I responded that trust was not the issue, and I pointed out the article (and the ex's seemingly lojnging/pining, "where there is smoke ...") was the basis of my (increasing) concerns. No response from my spouse yet.

Honestly, in looking at this from an outsider's view, seeing your original post, the subsequent answers, and your responses, I agree with your spouse.

When there is no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. You cannot say definitively that your spouse is longing for or pining for this ex. You can assume, but you cannot make that definitive statement. You do not trust your spouse; therefore, the foundations of your relationship are crumbling.

You need to make a choice: are you going to trust your spouse, or are you going to say that he is a liar, an emotional cheater, and not committed to your relationship?

In my opinion, I see no other option. He is a liar or he is being honest with you.

Are you both open to marital counseling? That may help resolve your issues.

Your original question, "Is it OK for spouses to "friend" former lovers on Facebook?" My answer to that: yes, it's OK. When there is a basic, undeniable trust in the relationship, it shouldn't matter.

All that being said, it sounds like there are problems on both sides of this marriage fence. It sounds like your spouse is (whether knowing or unknowingly) encouraging a sentimental connection with this ex. Maybe your spouse is doing it out of innocence, out of spite, in response to your accusations, or a genuine token of friendship (bygones be bygones type of thing). In any case, he/she should be sensitive enough to see that it bothers you and should either desist with the contact or make it known that he/she is in a successful, supportive, honest relationship with you.

You both need to come to terms with your problems: your spouse with honor and respect of your feelings, and you with your trust issues.

Counseling would help.

You cannot say definitively that your spouse is longing for or pining for this ex.

I did not say my spouse was longing/pining... I said my sposes ex seemed to be longing/pining. I honestly do not believe my spouse is looking for romance, I just believe this is risky business, especially when my spouse has expressed unhappiness about the health of our relationship immediately preceding this "friending".

I did not say my spouse was longing/pining ... I said my sposes ex seemed to be longing/pining. I honestly do not believe my spouse is looking for romance, I just believe this is risky business, especially when my spouse has expressed unhappiness about the health of our relationship immediately preceding this "friending".

So now we start to get to the nub of the matter. You are insecure and you're concerned about your marriage. You feel your spouse is spending too much time being a confidante for the ex, who is going through a difficult time when there are pre-existing issues between you.

You will destroy your marriage if you use this as the excuse to create dissent and conflict. Look to what is really going on here and get counselling for the pre-existing issues.

Beware, because by pushing your spouse on this issue and creating a drama, you're pushing them closer to the Ex. However, the ex is right. Your spouse is far away in time and space, they can only offer support over the internet. You need to be there in real time.

Perhaps you need to demonstrate some compassion for the situation your spouse's ex finds themselves in. It can't be easy to have a partner in a coma.

I did not say my spouse was longing/pining ... I said my sposes ex seemed to be longing/pining. I honestly do not believe my spouse is looking for romance, I just believe this is risky business, especially when my spouse has expressed unhappiness about the health of our relationship immediately preceding this "friending".

To explain my use of specific genders, I started responding to J. Sparks blanket statement about wives and kept the specific genders because I didn't feel like keeping up with taking gender out the post. You could be same sex and I wouldn't care. I would still have the same questions and opinions based on what you wrote.

I notice that you brought up the genderless nature of your op, but ignored my questions. I also find it interesting that you keep adding details little by little.

I am wondering what pertinent details will be divulged next.

You have obviously searched for articles to support your position. Have you actually paid any attention to your spouse's position? You want him/her to be understanding of your feelings. Have you been understanding?

Marriage in any form needs give and take from both partners. It needs open and honest communication. It needs respect and trust. It sometimes needs a neutral party to mediate disputes.

So now we start to get to the nub of the matter. You are insecure and you're concerned about your marriage. You feel your spouse is spending too much time being a confidante for the ex, who is going through a difficult time when there are pre-existing issues between you.

... snip ...

Perhaps you need to demonstrate some compassion for the situation your spouse's ex finds themselves in. It can't be easy to have a partner in a coma.

So now I will reveal that I AM the husband. I did not want to the original question/answers to be tainted by gender stereotype relationship assumptions, but what I am about to say IS, IMO more likely, gender stereotypical.

Your first paragraph above is spot on. Perhaps I live in an alternate reality, but my experience/observation of marriages in general is that they ebb and flow, at times to extremes, from an infinite number of potential stimuli and/or lack thereof, and, more often than not, the ebbing of which (for marriages that are significantly long term) do not need counseling... but they also are, IMO, also not particularly well served by the re-appearance of former sweethearts, even in a remote context.

When I heard of the ex's spouse situation, I completely withheld my concerns about the FB for several weeks because doing otherwise struck me as being woefully self-serving, unsympathetic, and lacking any compassion. But as I noted, internally my concerns have elevated along with the shift in the content/frequency of their correspondence.

Our ebb preceding the FB issue, tainted by my perspective, was around my wife having escalated her marriage-long lamenting of:
1) my relative (to her) lack of fastidiousness and pro-activeness (as she puts it "you should know that I want these done w/o asking") WRT, e.g.

washing bath towels/sheets (she bathes every day using 2 towels, I bathe twice a week or after sweating and I use the same single towel all week)
stripping the bed and washing the sheets
throwing my clean clothes in a pile rather than putting them away
vacuuming
cleaning the kitchen as/when she deems it is due (we share this chore: for every meal there is a cook and a cleaner)
sweeping
cleaning the toilets
(I am sure there is an etcetera here, but off-hand I cannot enumerate more)

2) my disdain of dancing and/or going to a theater to see a movie... I find both to be uncomfortable and awkward for different reasons.

Her escalation took the form of deliberate and relatively stark withdrawal in communication and intimacy.

I had been asking her what was driving this round of discontent/escalation, but her response was along the lines of "I am just not putting up with it anymore". As usual, I heightened my awareness/cooperation, but she continued to find fault in matters I consider to be not worth fighting over. I do not know what is eating at her, but this escallation corresponded with her having (more than usual) problems speeping problems and, kind of oddly, with her developing a seeming compulsion to naw on her fingernails incessently (when the nails are already down to the nub).

She had started to thaw on the relationship front just before the "friending" issue arose. Her assertion that our relationship should be strong enough for her to reconnect with an old friend. My assertion in return was that, having just weathered a relative relationship hurricane, this was an especially bad (even threatening, intended or not) time to renew relations with former heartthrobs.

But yes, I can see this potentially rising to the level of needing a referee if we can find no compromise (we had been-there/done-that only once before ~6 years ago under completely unrelated circumstances that had taken us to the hairy edge of divorce).

[QUOTE=Cat1864;2175473] has your wife said anything about him over the years that would make you think she wants to revisit the past? [\QUOTE]

No.

[QUOTE=Cat1864;2175473]When you first saw the invite, did you have a discussion with her about how each of you felt or did you attempt to tell her how you felt and she had to 'argue' to get you to listen to her feelings?[\QOUTE]

After telling her how I felt, I believe her initial response was along the lines of "pound sand".

[QUOTE=Cat1864;2175473]Do you feel the same way about any strangers that she has friended? What about old friends (not boyfriends)?[\QUOTE]

NO, and no.

[QUOTE=Cat1864;2175473]Have there been any changes in your relationship, your health, etc. that might have you feeling defensive about the contact?[\QUOTE]

Yes, see my previous posting.

Excuse me, but did OP say he bathes TWICE A WEEK (or after sweating)? And she bathes every day and uses two towels? I don't understand why he cares about the two towels but I bathe or shower every day and I don't think that's out of the ordinary.

My late husband wouldn't have even considered coming to bed without showering.

My skin is crawling.

Twice a week?

And he wonders why his wife might stray?

Or am I misreading this - ?

Excuse me, but did OP say he bathes TWICE A WEEK (or after sweating)?

I have severe allergic eczema that is significantly aggravated by daily wetting/drying, soap, and removal of skin oils.

I have severe allergic eczema that is significantly aggravated by daily wetting/drying, soap, and removal of skin oils.

This (some of the worst photos) is what happens to my palms/soles/heels when I shower every day Eczema Hand Pictures (http://www.dermnet.com/Eczema-Hand/photos/1)

Skin peeling/cracking/bleeding to the point of being debilitating, and my hands requiring all-day lotion to be re-applied ~every 15 minutes.

I know, too much information...

Dude, after reading that long last post about the towels etc.. . It sounds like you've completely changed the way you write and your language.

You're not going to like my answer but you come off as sounding very fickle or perhaps finicky. You sound like a man who is a little bit difficult to live with actually.. . Or have been for some time at least. Yes I might be generalizing, but that's what you're here for, opinions, right!

It sounds like your wife feels like she is putting more into the relationship and it is becoming a chore for her and she isn't getting that special feeling of appreciation.
Now I would advise you to forget about yourself for the moment. Forget having a referee to mark who is right and who is wrong. The writing is on the wall that you are steadily losing her and she is fast becoming resentful, and now she is giving her time, energy and emotion to a "fantasy" relationship. ~ and lucky for you it is still for the moment just that, a fantasy and that my friend is the only advantage you have right now.

Ignore what she is doing, don't attack her about it, let it go or you will just push her further and further away into this fantasy "you're so far away in time and space . . ." Get it ? She's far away from you, in her mind. Far, far away. Let her have her outlet.

Now, if you really want it to work and be a happy and successful relationship once again you had best start right now. You have at some stage, (who knows when) let go of the wheel and she is undoubtedly now steering the ship.

Swallow you pride dear man and take that lovely lady out dancing. My prescription in my first post had the most accurate medicine. She's a lady, start doing things exciting together.

You said you feel awkward dancing or going to the movies.
Do you feel awkward when you do the horizontal tango ?
I tell you what buddy, you're going to feel awkward when your bed is empty some day. You're the man, bring that magic back before you regret being so stubborn.
Admit to yourself, you let it slide, you got too comfortable... and you can now see the results. Are you the man ? Did you not sweep her off her feet at some stage, you must have done it before, she married you right ?
Get with it dude, you know what to do and you will do so, if you think it's worth it.

Oh and have 3 baths a week instead of 2. Have 2 for you and 1 for her.
You should look at it that way, and do some of those chores on the list when she's not around and out of the house. She knows everything you do, and everything you don't do.

Oh and last of all but not least, I mentioned this before in my first post.
Ignore any anger and any hurt feelings you may have. Let it all roll off your back.
Make it your fault. It's your life, your relationship and you're the one to make or break it. Have that attitude again, bring it back into your life. Be strong, be smart, be wise. . She will use anything and everything negative, any piece of evidence to fuel the fire to burn your relationship for good and justify her actions.

Good Luck ! You can turn it around, but it's up to you to make it happen.