Let me start with the start, I'm usually not the kind of guy who turn to the internet when not knowing what to do. But this is getting dangerous for my health and I can't talk to friends about it.
So here is the deal.
I am in love with a girl and she loves mee too. We're crazy about each other. We are together for over a year now, only problem.. She still has the boyfriend.
Now most of you will think what a slut etc etc. But its far more complex.
So she's with that guy for 5 years now. He saved her from a crazy homesituation and she was going wrong. Drugs etc. He saved her. Now she's still in love with him and he loves her. She tells me she needs him to be herself that without him she loses herself. He is what keeps her up in her life. Now I could live with that for a year but now its getting toomuch. I can't handle it. I want her for me alone. So we end up in a fight very often. I told her she had to leave him. She says she can't because she loses herself and she loves him. I tell her (with tears in my eyes) that we should stop then, then she cries and says she doesn't want to lose me. I told her I cannot be friends if she chooses for him. That I will have to put her out of my life, there she says she couldn't di that. She says she'll allways love me that I am one out of a million for her. I know she's telling the truth and not saying it just to keep me as her dog. Now recently I've opened myself to other women, not even dating just talking. And that's where she gets jalous as hell!
So today I am ina situation where I want her to leave him for me, she cant. I don't want to give her up and she doest want to give me up. Ive lost nearly 10 kilos this month due to this and I can't talk to anyone about it because we have same friends.
I don't know if I should ignore her, be supersweet or what ever.
Somebody tell me what to do and how to act, please.
I am 22 I love her so much.

Leave her.
Not only is she cheating on her boyfriend,she is in fact stringing you along as a puppy,and you need to man up and walk away from this toxic mess.
Make yourself the priority in your life,not somebody who is using you to boost their ego.
This is not love-she is playing you.

If I leave her. Ill be miserable. I see her every day. Im the sweet guy kind so I give her lots of affection. How should I act towards her. If I'm cold, she will notice and ask me what's wrong..

Seriously, I've been through this mess in my early years.
Even if you get her to leave this guy you will never feel that you can trust her ever. You're being strung along and played because you're not used to the overwhelming emotions and attraction. She is having her cake and eating it. She knows you're the sweet guy, nice guy, that's how she can play you like a fool. If you were a jerk and a bad boy she would leave her "daddy". Right now she is wishing she could meld you two guys into one, but if given the ultimate choice you will always be second best. She will be jealous if you talk with other women but she will hide all the men she's talking to and probably sleeping with from you.

Want to be second best ?

Drop her like a turd and date more women in front of her face.
Keep going, don't stop and don't cry like a baby. Women like men,
Don't ever, ever cry in-front of your woman.

If you keep going with this relationship prepare for great pain.
You will be ripped into pieces and shattered like amicon said,
This isn't love and is toxic.

You should be happy, not losing the kilos!
Major, major warning...
She's a man eater, jump the ship now before it hits the ice.

I feel like I'm writing to my past me in hopes the younger me will get this letter. You have extreme infatuation and the sex is excellent.
But you will get burnt. Leave Now!

You called this one out yourself "impossible situation"!
Bail out, tell her you are taking a break from the relationship.
Date other girls now man, do it! Trust me I am you from the future!

So up to you what you want to do.
Ride the roller coaster of insanity ?
If you do chose to continue I will not warn you of what is going to happen next. It's better you do not know.
It's your choice. You have been advised to bail out now!

If i leave her. Ill be miserable. I see her every day. Im the sweet guy kind so i give her lots of affection. How should i act towards her. If im cold, she will notice and ask me whats wrong..

If you refuse to leave her,you have no one to blame but yourself for the misery you are in.

She is using you and all she has to do is throw you a bone every now and again to keep you in her clutches.

That is not the way you treat someone you profess to love.

You should be more than cold,you should be absent and end this farce and have no contact with her.

She is getting the best of both worlds and she is using two men and so she will say anything to keep that going.It is all about her selfish needs.

Its not love,it is manipulation and emotional abuse.
If she wanted to leave him she would.

Get a life and a real relationship where you are respected and don't have to think about her making love to another man every night.

No one in their right mind should put them self through that abuse.
Honor yourself !

Yes, you will be miserable, for a little while. But if you wait around for her to leave her boyfriend, you will be miserable for a lot longer

No, I don't think "What a slut", but I do think that she has no business looking at you, telling you that she loves you, when she is involved with someone else.

My Mom has always told me that "People do what they want to do." Period. If she wanted to break up with her boyfriend enough, she would. End of story.

She is in a relationship. She is not available. You need to stop fixating on her and focus on getting your health back in order. It is a mental choice. Only you can make it.

I told her today we should break up.
She cried but said it woul indeed be better for both of us.
I miss her already now.
I don't IM, sms or call her.
Good?

Thanks for all your answers.

Very good, it's a very good start. Read the threads at the top of this forum they are perfect for starting NC

Yes you made the right decision-for you and your life.
Work on healing now and keep busy.
Good luck.

Simple fact

She can't love you
And still have a boyfriend.

End of story

You are doing the right thing by leaving her

Good luck my friend

I told her today we should break up.
She cried but said it woul indeed be better for both of us.
I miss her already now.
I don't IM, sms or call her.
Good?

Thanks for all your answers.

Good for you.

As much as it hurts right now,it does get better.

You have taken the first step to getting your life back and you will find lots of support on this site to make it easier on you

There are tools to help you get from miserable to living life again.

With the right attitude and determination,you can feel feel better real soon.Be strong ! :)

As hard as it is you have made the right decision. Be careful as you will have moments where you feel like you're starting to heal all over again. Think 'blip', you haven't lost your goal, you just had a weak moment. Can't be avoided. Eventually, that too, will pass.

Try not to rush into another relationship before you are completely over this one. Be strong on your own two feet, and know what you are looking for in a partner. Above all, skip women who are already in relationships, no matter if you come across one who says she is miserable and plans on breaking up.

Single women only. Keep your head up. Each day you will be stronger.

Best of luck.

Great job, of being mature enough to accept the advice that was given and take action. I wish you the best of luck and don't worry things to get better. It is a difficult situation that you handled well and will be able to reflect on

Aside from all the cheating and ethical issues...

Break ups are always tough in the beginning. I know that you want to avoid hurting each other, but you need to think about the long run. If she won't ever leave him, then you're always going to be stuck in the sidelines, how's that fair to you?

Both of you will eventually recover and be better and stronger for this. Stay positive!

Just one practical issue,
I see her every day and we have the same friends.
I really don't know how to act towards her.
For now I'm just avoiding her.

Another point, maybe cruel of mine. But I want her to regret what she did, I want her to think every day "what have I lost!"

Besides that, it was her birthday last month, but as we had exams I didn't have time to give her her present. Which I have here at home (earrings).

Thank you so much for your support

Keep avoiding her and put those earrings away or give them to somebody else if you can't take them back to the shop.

I wouldn't waste my time hoping she'll feel bad-concentrate on you now-get your life back on track and be happy again.

And she asks to be friends..

That's one request you should definitely IGNORE.

Sometimes you just have to be flexible and prepare your thinking to accommodate the situation. It isn't going to be easy seeing her, and having mutual friends.

I would say be friendly, and cordial, but don't be friends. Don't think about 'how' to act around her, just put another face on her- say your toughest professor, male, 350 lbs. in a pink bikini. You can make her anything (or anyone) you want when you have to face her, just don't make her your girlfriend. It will get easier with time. You can add horns, forked tongue, snakes for hair, etc.

If you look at her as someone you once knew, who is now in a different role, and truly believe that, then the feelings will fade, and eventually you will care less when she is around. I wouldn't let her prevent you from having all the fun you can with your friends. Life is short to be stopped for reasons that you CAN control!!

I would return the earrings as well, give them to your mother, or tuck them away for the next girlfriend. Really, if you're thinking about giving them to her, the gift is meaningless, but a dangerous precedent right?

She's begging me not to delete her from social networking websites.
I have deleted all pictures, sms, mms, emails, tel numbers etc out of my life.
I think I shouldn't give in, and remain as hard and as cold as possible?

Exactly. Ignore her one hundred percent-dont reply to any of her messages.
Stay strong.

Amicon is absolutely right.

Fight the temptation to slide back to that place where your feelings are hurt, and you begin to question whether you are doing the right thing.

There is no getting around the fact that you will get stronger, you will be less and less affected by her actions to the point of having to remember the last time you thought about her.

In the meanwhile, when it all hits you, have a plan in place to minimize the hurt and confusion. Force yourself to get away from that space you are in. Go for a walk, call a friend for coffee, hit the gym, anything to skip the depressing thoughts.

Stay strong from me too.

Good stuff all I have to say... bravo!!

I wouldn't be that strong without you guys telling me what to do and keep answering my posts.
Coz god I miss her, but I know you people are right about this.
Even if deep in my heart I still love her, but it's a feeling I have to make go away.
And the beauty of all this is that I don't know any of you but you help me like no other.

Come back whenever you need to.
Take care.

So here I am again.
Exams finished, and I think I passed them all.
Now to get back to the subject.

She told it to one of our friends who is doing like a messengertask now :s.
She is really really down now; she's crying all day long that she doesn't hear me anymore. The friend told me she's so depressed she's considering SUICIDE!!
So this is the part where I panic, so I wrote her a mail to explain that it's the best for us that we stay apart from each other, that I don't want her to feel pain or anything. That I love her, but that she has chosen and that this are the consequences. I can't be friends with you after what happened etc.
Where she says she needs me and still loves me..
I didn't reply her reply to my mail. My mail was just to explain how I felt about it. It was not aggressive or mean, just ferm.
She says that I'm not hard but heartless by ignoring her totally.

I miss her for crazy, she's really really down from it.
I don't want to succomb to her will and be friends with her, cause that's not what I want. I either want to be lovers or nothing, I know it's a bit radical but it's the only way I feel OK.

So guys what to do?

You carry on the NC and DO NOT contact her again, the suicide theat is called emotional blackmail and is down right bad. My ex did the same to me, saying if I left that he would cut himself etc etc. Its all for attention, just completely block her, that means NO EMAIL, NO TEXT, NO SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES. She has a boyfriend so let him deal with her. She is having her cake and eating it for sure and making you look like a fool. You were doing so well with the NC!! Pick yourself up and get on with your life without her xxx

Don't fall into the trap of responding to emotional blackmail-that's not helping you and it draws you back into her little dramas.

You've said your piece,now stay No Contact and let her sort out her life without you.

I hope you passed all your exams-that's what you should concentrate on now,your education.

Emotional blackmail indeed... as much as we might care about them, there's one thing I keep in mind when I hear stuff like this.

How dare they put the burden of their life and happiness on ME?

You're not being cruel or heartless. You're doing what YOU have to do to survive, get through this, and move on with your life. Stay the course and resume NC.

You guys are broken up. She's going to have to find her own way of dealing with the break up. It's not your responsibility.

Give her more credit that she will find a way to take care of herself.

Just focus on your own life now.

I heard she doesn't care anymore and that her relationship with the guy is working fine. I'm happy for her. Though I feel anger she didn't pick me.
I'm angry for what she've done but still I miss her.

The NC is going very good now. Didn't speak to her for a couple of weeks now.
But can't help it, I see her face everywhere!
I was at the gym and I saw the reflection of a girl in the window, my heart stood still I tought it was her. I turned around but it wasn't. I was in the bus and I tought I saw her at the busstation. But she wasn't.. etc
At night I can't sleep, I can't help thinking about her.

But like I said I'm acting tough and hard towards her.
So she doesn't know all of this.

All those feelings are normal and will fade with time.
Well done for sticking with NC.
Plenty of physical exercise would be a good thing to help you get your sleeping pattern back to normal.

You have done well so far and if you get busy with things you enjoy, those feelings will pass in time. Stay with it.

I told it to my best friend,

Who told me to get in contact with her again but to be as cold as ice.
And make her jalous as hell, spend a very very short amount of time giving her attention etc.. Basically drive her crazy that she realises what she's missing.

What do you guys think about it?

I told it to my best friend,

Who told me to get in contact with her again but to be as cold as ice.
And make her jalous as hell, spend a very very short amount of time giving her attention etc.. basically drive her crazy that she realises what she's missing.

What do you guys think about it?

Very bad idea! Keep reading through the posts here and you will learn why.

Why would you want someone, who clearly does not want you?

I very strongly advise you not to lower yourself to the level of playing games.

Breaking up with her is a good thing. She wants to use you as her reserve meaning her sparewheel for in case her 5yr boyfriend dissappoint her. Dump her and your feelings for her will fade away, you don't deserve treatment she is giving you

Dear internet friends, I do realize I am not as often on this forum as you guys are and only turn here when I'm in exams and thus am more fragile than regularly.

It has been over a year that I posted on this forum but yes, it is still about the same girl I can't forget.
I am obliging myself not to think about her but when there is nothing to do than study I can't help it.

I haven't talked to her in that while. Even though she TRIED to contact me via Facebook.

I ignored everything she said. She came over to my birthday in the local nightclub where she said happy birthday and I replied 'I told you I don't want you in my life, get out please' which gave me such a great feeling at that moment.

But I can't help missing that girl even though I am not allowing myself to do so.

I have been dating a pretty large amount of girls this past year, but I can't help thinking about her.

The reason why I am posting here is because last week I went on a date which was a nice evening but nothing more and the girl asked me "What on earth has happened to you to become like this"

I am not very proud of that 'cold hearted' stuff but it's THE thing that made it possible for me to overwin this situation.

I know there lies no future for me with that girl, but it is seeming like there is no future at all for me in "love".

During the year I don't really care because I work 60h a week and have my courses 10h a week plus going out with my friends.
This as a result from reading the forums with "start a new bank account and save as much as you can" I saved 6000€ "start going to the gym" benching nearly 100kg now. I am trying to do these things but I can't eradicate that girl from my mind even though I eradicated her from my life. It is easier to be hard straight at her face than really forget her.

How long longer is this situation going to torture me?

And I have this strange feeling that all the girls that are single around me are single for a reason.. Either freaks, pretty but stupid, intelligent but ugly..

I really feel like I missed the shot

Only for as long as you allow yourself to feel tortured.

You're doing most things right-what remains is to let go of this notion that she holds your heart in the palm of her hand-she doesnt-it's beating away in your body-so make the choice once and for all-forget her.

I am aware that I have to forget her Amicon, I am searching HOW by coming here. Not to hear that I have to forget her, I know that..

I don't think anyone can tell you h o w ,apart from the things you are alrady doing-there's no magic wand-the way I see it is we all have to make a decision to move on and not allow ourselves to stay stuck in the past.

That's your choice to make,for yourself.

Whether you have earnestly started to build a life that you enjoy is debatable, but it seems like something has triggered old memories, and feelings in you about the past. That does happen, but wallowing in self pity is never the answer. Sure you feel bad now, but you obviously don't know how to cope with your own feelings very well yet.

That's the key of life, dealing with yourself, and knowing yourself well enough to know what to do for yourself. That you still obsess on a female, who you wanted badly, even though she was taken by another, you still live with that failure, and rejection, and even now are disappointed you have not found another to replace her.

Get over yourself fella, and focus on the task at hand, so you can move forward to better things. Once you let go, and accomplish your goals, and see the world as having options and opportunities to be happy, you will make better situations and happy memories for yourself.

I can't believe you have not done so in a year, but at least we know what the problem is now. You are looking for love, instead of looking for joy, and happiness. Stop looking for love, and allow yourself to enjoy what you are doing, so you can stop comparing all the females you meet to someone you had an unhealthy, failed relationship with.

When you can open yourself up and have an open mind and heart, you will see things differently, and actually be happy with YOURSELF. Now get off the pity pot, and stop sulking, and do better for yourself. Only a fool thinks that there is only one female for him, when there are billions of options, and opportunities. To many to be stuck on someone who wasn't as stuck on you.

Just like you work hard to make your body strong and healthy, so must you do the same with your mind, and soul, and that's taking responsibility for your own happiness, without someone else to give you a stamp of approval. Love yourself, and be happy with who you are and what your doing, and someone will want to share that with you.

Stop complaining about the flaws of others, and see yours, and work on them.