My fiancés 13 year old daughter runs this house. She manipulates, lies, steals, and is constantly disrespectful to her father and I, as well as any other adult who has guidelines. She is now pushing me, hitting me, and taunting me to hit her back. I know her father is caught in the middle, but she is controlling him as well. She does have ADD and OCD and also believes the world evolves around her.

You can try bootcamp if there is one near you. Have you asked her what her goals are ? What is she trying to accomplish by all this nonsense ?

We have looked at bootcamps but I don't think her father would ever do that. Her goals used to be to make sure nobody ever took her dad. Her goals truly aren't that, she's done this to 2 females in the past. She truly just wants to be in control and the center of attention. She wants to have all and know all. She will even hide behind curtains to eavesdrop etc just so she can have a say in everything. I believe she hates anyone that is a 2nd eye to her father, for it gets her less attention, into more trouble, and 2nd guessed about the answers she gives.

1. who has custody ?
2. sounds like father is not supporting you ? Does he not believe it

3. perhaps time for hidden cammera around the house to document things going on.

At the end of the day, if the father is not with you, it ain't going to happen, he has to be helping with solving the issues

Family counseling sounds like a start

But is this on visis or does she live there

Father has custody, mother isn't around at all, hasn't been, so not an issue. He does believe me, it happens right in front of him. Or she has written Im sorry letters that tell the truth, and those I keep. She has resorted to hitting me now. She taunts me to hit her back, for Im not a guardian, and she wants me to be in trouble. Im not just talking a smack, she has hit, bruised and had a handful of hair and dad was right there. He did and does stand up for me, but truly, his hands are tied when she has no privileges and nothing to ground her from. Unfortunately, she does have the ability to turn things around and become a daddys girl and then I am the bad one for reminding of what she has done. She goes to therapy, she wouldn't allow me to go, if I did go she would do nothing but argue or not say a word to make everyone miserable and then come home and act as if she was a victim. I don't go anywhere with her anymore for she either screams at me or tells me to get away from her. I don't even sit down and eat meals with her. I wait until she is done and then I go eat. I know, Im stupid. Sadly, her father really can't do much, she doesn't have anyone else. Ive lived 43 years, raised my 3 children with respect and intregrity, and never thought in a million years I would go through this. Its very painful, but even more painful that there's been a wedge torn between her father and I. She is his daughter.

You are dealing with a dysfunctional family and will soon marry into one and become part of the drama if you don't take a step back and look at this very objectively. As you must know from your own experience in raising children, romance in a relationship is tried on a deeper level, when there are problems with the children.

Your fiancé may be a very good man with you, but he seems to be disconnected from the fact that his daughter really is crying out to him for his love and attention only. If you feel hurt now, it can not get any better unless there is counseling for the daughter and the dad.

Are you starting to think that you might be taking on more than you should handle at this point? You are a person that deserves love and respect and that is just not the space that this family is at right now to give. Your fiancé may want to give you love, but he has the obligation to get his daughter under control first--and to make sure she knows she is unconditionally loved by him. Then, he can be more at peace with you too.

Just a thought that may temporarily sound ridiculous to you, but better than regretting it after marriage--how about giving the courtship more time until this girl either grows up a bit or moves out when she is older.

How old is the little girl? Is she in high school or is she more young?

The next time she raises a hand and causes anything to appear on your body call the police and have her placed under 72hr observation. And I agree with Fr_Chuck. Get a nanny cam for your own protection.

She is 13 and not a little girl, she is bigger than myself. Sadly, I believe I have to say yes, to rosemcs, I am regretting it. Ive made a huge mistake thinking I could be with this man and happy for the rest of my life. I wanted to grow old with him, but I am growing way faster than he. Its probably time for me to fly.

Mr Cali,
Can I have her placed under 72 hr observation in New Jersey? Not a guardian, and of course, I can't find anything online here for any actions I can take.

Don't beat yourself up about it. You gave it a good try. It seems as if you really did all a person could (or would want to) do in this circumstance. Your next step would be to read the stickies in the relationship section on how to go "no contact". That's always a horrible time in a person's life. What I learned is if that person can't make me happier than I am being single, than I am better off being alone. I learned that by personal experience.

Thank you rosemcs.

Mr Cali,
Can i have her placed under 72 hr observation in new jersey? not a guardian, and of course, I can't find anything online here for any actions i can take.

Here is the thing. She can be placed under 72hr observation with her history and the fact that it falls under the rule of doing harm to themselves or others. Its obvious that this girl has a problem. And having a nanny cam then it also reinforces your word against the sweet angel. I think you catch what Im saying. If she is being a terror then she needs to be observed. Based on your posting of possibly leaving the situation at least you would be helping if this were to fracture the relationship between you and your boyfriend but the girl will be helped either way.