Hi all... I've gotten good advise before so here I am again. My husband of almost 30 years has been in recovery since October and at first all was great and then by Halloween, he had become depressed and just "not there"... things progressively have gotten worse culminating the past couple weeks. He does not want to have sex and then I heard a conversation that he shared with a friend that he waited until I fell asleep until he went to bed but commented on how it was a rough night because I slept on the couch. He seems to turn everything around to blame me... when I confronted him about it he was furious at me (apparently for learning the truth, or the fact that I had taped the conversation)... now before you read me the riot act, I have NEVER done that type of thing but I know he is lying to me and my gut was telling me... well he went to Hawaii to escape, at my suggestion and stayed at a condo out there that he rented... well the other night I was on email and happen to see a confirmation from Orbitz for his stay at the Sheraton Waikiki th 14, 15 and 16th... yet he had me believing he was still at the rented condo and it listed on the confirmation as 2 guests... I confronted him about this and of course, he was angry and of course, I"m overreacting and wrong....so to "shut me up" for asking him who was he with he tells me he met someone at a 'meeting' and it's all over now though......then says, he was just "$*%*#with me" to shut me up....Now on the 16th, he called me literally first thing in the morning actually crying and I was scared for him because I thought OMG, what happened and he said to me, he "just wanted to come home".....now back to Sunday night, now he tells me he was upset because he didn't want to leave Hawaii......while he was in Hawaii I barely heard from him, he hardly ever returned my emails, yet sure enough, when he was discombobulating at the airport, he calls me to save him I guess....he left last night and went to stay on the boat, and when he told me, he said "he'd call me"... what is wrong with this man? Any insight is appreciated... and we did have a knock down drag out fight at our office (no one was there) but it got ugly and I left my rings and took all our vacation photos and smashed them in the parking lot. He is always saying 'he doesn't know what he wants'... I think he's lying... what do you all think out there?

It sounds as though he may be drinking again... do you suspect this?

He did have two glasses of wine the other night on the boat with me (I don't drink) and he quickly became the old "joe" and I felt like he was sucking the life out of the room... talking incessantly and not letting me get a word in edgewise... I usually can tell when he's drinking because he gets this glazed over look... now his eyes are just kind of dead

Darlin' he's not in recovery if he had 2 glasses of wine. An addict is an addict... doesn't matter what their poison is. Remember it IS poison to them. It has to be avoided like the plague.

Is it possible that he has substituted one evil with another? I ask this because you mention the "glazed over look."

I thought the same thing too... When he drinks, his eyes get "moist"... I don't think he's doing anything else... what do you mean "substituting one with another"... you think drugs?

I lived in a relationship with a man who had nothing but affair after affiar. Come to find out the only time he was "nice" or "needing" me is when he and his "girlfriend" would fight.
He was also an acholic and an ex crack addict. I still don't know all the answers and what really was going on.

He was a liar.

Even if he came out and told me the truth, I don't think I could ever fully believe anything he told me.
If you aren't happy, then YOU need to make changes. Stop waiting on him. Sometimes they need more help then you can physically or emotionally provide. Addicts are tough people to live with, and until they want to change, nothing you can say will change their minds.
And until they want to change, they will continue to be slefish and only thinking of #1. And guess who that is?
Good luck, I hope you find the strength you need and deserve.

Successful recovery means total abstinence. There are no "couple of glasses" of anything. And yes, time and time again, alcoholics at the beginning of sobriety , will "substance jump".

He doesn't need to be going on any trips by himself either. Do you really think that he DIDN'T drink in Hawaii?

Lies go along with alcoholism and drug abuse. That's all part of it.

Until he is going to commit to a 12 step program, like AA, he is probably not going to change his behavior.

In the meanwhile, you should seek out the closest, soonest, Alanon meeting in your area. It's for family and friends of alcoholics. It's worldwide, free, and anonymous. It will save your sanity.

I know it worked for my wife.

God bless you at this difficult time in both of your lives.

Sounds more like he is sneaking a drink here and there, hiding one around the house, maybe on the way home, or worst, at work.

I was there for years early in my life and unless he wants help and will stop all drinking completely he is not going to stop