awol707
Jan 10, 2010, 01:16 PM
Hello everyone!
I'm new to this website. I've searched around have found a bunch of great information for people who have been broke up with by their ex girlfriends. I believe that I am moving in the right direction.
First, I am 21 years old. Second, my girlfriend broke up with me on New Years Eve before midnight. I haven't spoken with her since last Saturday. Her and I exchanged a few emails last Friday and Saturday before I started the No Contact.
I was curious if you all could read the emails and let me know if I handled the situation right etc... I apologize that they may be long, but I am just curious.
On a site note: I will be taking Chemistry with her brother this semester. Is that a bad thing?
Emails:
I remember you telling me that I can always write you, so here I am writing you.
I was completely blind-sided when you had broken up with me on New Year’s Eve, but I believe what you were telling me was from your heart. You gave me quite a few reasons as to why you weren’t happy, so it was hard for me to process it all at the time and respond logically. But as I spend time alone, I’ve been able to really think about it all. You never totally realize what you have until it’s gone. This email may seem scattered, but please remember this all comes from my heart.
I thought I was a good listener, but I realize now that I never truly understood what “listen” meant. For example, that one night I was at your house and we were watching “A Grinch Stole Christmas,” you asked if I could stop reading stuff on my phone and spend more time with you. Well, at the time I did… But where the true meaning of “listen” comes in is if I prevent it from happening very much. If I had truly listened, I wouldn’t have been on my phone at McNear’s. Instead, I would have been out making an effort to meet Amanda’s husband (Dario) and their friends. I realize I did this often, and I really wish I were more aware of it. This is only one example, but an example that has opened up my eyes to why you were unhappy. I listened, but I never truly “listened” in a way where I really considered your feelings.
Learning where I went wrong when listening to you lead me to figure out that I can be a self-absorbed person, which is ironic, because I called Matt out on the same thing. Now I see why him and I were such close buds. The difference is I am having my wake-up call now, rather than later. My wake up call being I lost you. Some more examples of being self-absorbed would be these past couple weeks ranging from: Christmas to New Year’s Eve. Christmas when you came over and were feeling down, I did the complete opposite of what I should have done. I turned it into a big deal and wrote your feelings off rather than asking, “How are you feeling?” That’s what you would have liked to hear, and trust me it was on my head, but I handled it very wrong. If I wasn’t so caught up in myself, I would have said what you wanted to hear, and would have done it with my own free will. Trust me Sara, I really really do care. New Year’s Eve, I can see where I went wrong. You just wanted to spend time with me, and I should have seen that, but I was so caught up in what I wanted to do that I wrote your feelings off, turning it into a big deal. There’s the snowboarding trip where I turned that whole ordeal into something very stressful for you when it should have been very straightforward. This goes back to me being short-fused, and I understand that has always bothered you, because you are not a confrontational person.
I not only made these mistakes with you, but I have made them with my family. For example, when I had said certain things to XXXX, I never considered how she might be feeling. I only thought about myself. I’ve come to realize that if someone were to tell me the things I said to her, it would really hurt me too. The point is… She deserves a second chance in my book. It may be hard for me to reconcile with her, but it’s going to require a lot of effort on my end to make it work. Nothing happens immediately, but in baby steps. And then there’s the short-fused stuff… I do that with my family as well, and it’s affected them in a similar way it has you. I.E. stress etc… The point is, I have my flaws, I might not be able to fix them right away, but I’m going to start working on them now, so they don’t affect others and me in the future. I don’t want to lose my family or future relationships, because of my flaws.
You mentioned that we are completely different, and to some extent I believe that, but at the same time I feel like we got along very well and had a lot in common. In my view, I believe we had a lot more in common then we did in difference. I could be wrong, so feel free to let me know.
This email is to not fix things or ask for you back. I believe that you need your time, as do I. I will say this though: you’re amazing Sara. I’ve never been with someone so caring and passionate as you. You’ve shown me so much love in many different forms, and I admire that to unmeetable ends. You have really opened up my eyes and shown me many new things. Thank you and your family for everything. All I can do is take what I have learned and better myself, so I don’t make the same mistake twice. If I can go back in time, I would change those characteristics I’ve mentioned, so I could have prevented losing you, but everything happens for a reason.
Sincerely,
XXXX
First, I really appreciate the e-mail and what it had to say. I am glad that you understand more of what I was trying to explain to you the other night. I would like to tell you that I am doing fine but that would not be truthfull. I know that I hurt you the other night and I am so sorry.
The past few weeks I have been getting overwhelmed with a lot of feelings and emotions. I felt like I have been expressing my feelings over the past few weeks and that they haven't been acknowledged. I should have been more clear and up front with you about my feelings earlier. I feel like we have talked about your moods and all of that stuff quite a bit and that it hasn't really changed that much. You know that the moods are a huge turn off for me and I am always thinking about how you will react to things, large or small. I understand that you are trying to work on it and that is good. I know that it takes time but when you tell me that you want me to "call you out" on it I feel like I am nagging you. I am not a naggy person, and I don't ever want to be the naggy girlfriend, that is just not who I am. I feel like at 22 you are fully aware and capable of controlling your emotions. Like I was saying the other night, I was having second thoughts about you coming with me to Tahoe and I was scared of how you were going to be that day. That should never be an issue and I shouldn't want my boyfriend to not come places with me. I don't want to have to think about how you are going to react to the things that come up everyday and how you are going to react if they don't go the way you think they should. To me that was a big red flag and really made me take a step back. It wouldn't have mattered to me if I was in your position, I would have just wanted to spend the day with you and gone with the flow of things.
You were right when you told me that I haven't opened up to you and that I am scared of getting hurt again. My last relationship really messed me up emotionally. The events and the emotions that I experienced during that time have made me a much more cautious person in regards to trusting and becoming attached to people. I don't ever want to experience those feelings again. Along the same lines I stayed in that relationship for much longer than I should have and I was afraid of letting go. In the end I know that I was the cause of the majority my pain. If I would have walked away earlier then I would have suffered less. I do believe that I would never have to go through that same situation with you but I would be lying to you and to myself if I said that I wasn't afraid of getting hurt again.
Over the past 6 months we have shared some wonderful memories together and I have learned a lot from you as well. I have learned to be more comfortable with myself inside and out. I have always been a self conscious person and with you I have been able to show more of myself than I have in the past. You are a very passionate and loving person and that is one of your best qualities, the ability to truly care about people.
I would love to say that I know what I want but I truly don't right now. I am so confused. To be completely honest with you, I love being with you and just hanging out. I love your kisses and your arms and how you romantic you can be and sentimental but at the same time I have a hard time with other aspects of the relationship and I feel like my heart is not truly in it as much as yours. I feel like you deserve better than that. You deserve to be with someone who is as wrapped up in you as you are in them and I don't know that I can truly and whole heartedly give that to you. I don't want to play games with you and get back together unless I am sure that it is what I want and that I can give you what you give me. These last 48hrs have not been easy for me and I am truly torn apart right now.
Thank you again for your e-mail and letting me into your thoughts and feelings. It meant a lot to me knowing that you understand more of where I was coming from and I hope this e-mail helps you understand a little more.
If you have anything else you would like to add or say please don't hesitate.
Always,
XXXX
Thank you for the response, I really appreciate it.
It's already clear to me that it's time for me to really work on certain things in my own life. You're of course a huge part of it, but working on these things are also for my relationships with my family and friends. Obviously it's not easy to make these kings of changes and you know that, but when I really put my mind to things I can usually make them happen. I started yesterday. I've made a commitment to myself to do it.
I'm just hoping you haven't closed the door.
Sincerely,
XXXX
I know that you are making an effort to make these changes and that it won't be easy but I feel like it is too late. Even if you never made those mistakes again my romantic feelings toward you have changed and because of that it I feel like our relationship would not be genuine. I would feel like I am leading you on and giving you false hope and it would hurt you even more later if my feelings didn't grow or change.
I value you as a person Nick and I respect you and your feelings so I can not in good conscience give you hope for something that I know will stay the same as how I feel now. I hope that you can forgive me at least not now but in time.
I also have your Mom's bear and your sunglasses that I would like you to have back. I could not keep those things from you. Let me know when I can get them to you.
XXXX
I apologize that the emails are long.
I'm looking forward to hearing what you all have to say.
I'm new to this website. I've searched around have found a bunch of great information for people who have been broke up with by their ex girlfriends. I believe that I am moving in the right direction.
First, I am 21 years old. Second, my girlfriend broke up with me on New Years Eve before midnight. I haven't spoken with her since last Saturday. Her and I exchanged a few emails last Friday and Saturday before I started the No Contact.
I was curious if you all could read the emails and let me know if I handled the situation right etc... I apologize that they may be long, but I am just curious.
On a site note: I will be taking Chemistry with her brother this semester. Is that a bad thing?
Emails:
I remember you telling me that I can always write you, so here I am writing you.
I was completely blind-sided when you had broken up with me on New Year’s Eve, but I believe what you were telling me was from your heart. You gave me quite a few reasons as to why you weren’t happy, so it was hard for me to process it all at the time and respond logically. But as I spend time alone, I’ve been able to really think about it all. You never totally realize what you have until it’s gone. This email may seem scattered, but please remember this all comes from my heart.
I thought I was a good listener, but I realize now that I never truly understood what “listen” meant. For example, that one night I was at your house and we were watching “A Grinch Stole Christmas,” you asked if I could stop reading stuff on my phone and spend more time with you. Well, at the time I did… But where the true meaning of “listen” comes in is if I prevent it from happening very much. If I had truly listened, I wouldn’t have been on my phone at McNear’s. Instead, I would have been out making an effort to meet Amanda’s husband (Dario) and their friends. I realize I did this often, and I really wish I were more aware of it. This is only one example, but an example that has opened up my eyes to why you were unhappy. I listened, but I never truly “listened” in a way where I really considered your feelings.
Learning where I went wrong when listening to you lead me to figure out that I can be a self-absorbed person, which is ironic, because I called Matt out on the same thing. Now I see why him and I were such close buds. The difference is I am having my wake-up call now, rather than later. My wake up call being I lost you. Some more examples of being self-absorbed would be these past couple weeks ranging from: Christmas to New Year’s Eve. Christmas when you came over and were feeling down, I did the complete opposite of what I should have done. I turned it into a big deal and wrote your feelings off rather than asking, “How are you feeling?” That’s what you would have liked to hear, and trust me it was on my head, but I handled it very wrong. If I wasn’t so caught up in myself, I would have said what you wanted to hear, and would have done it with my own free will. Trust me Sara, I really really do care. New Year’s Eve, I can see where I went wrong. You just wanted to spend time with me, and I should have seen that, but I was so caught up in what I wanted to do that I wrote your feelings off, turning it into a big deal. There’s the snowboarding trip where I turned that whole ordeal into something very stressful for you when it should have been very straightforward. This goes back to me being short-fused, and I understand that has always bothered you, because you are not a confrontational person.
I not only made these mistakes with you, but I have made them with my family. For example, when I had said certain things to XXXX, I never considered how she might be feeling. I only thought about myself. I’ve come to realize that if someone were to tell me the things I said to her, it would really hurt me too. The point is… She deserves a second chance in my book. It may be hard for me to reconcile with her, but it’s going to require a lot of effort on my end to make it work. Nothing happens immediately, but in baby steps. And then there’s the short-fused stuff… I do that with my family as well, and it’s affected them in a similar way it has you. I.E. stress etc… The point is, I have my flaws, I might not be able to fix them right away, but I’m going to start working on them now, so they don’t affect others and me in the future. I don’t want to lose my family or future relationships, because of my flaws.
You mentioned that we are completely different, and to some extent I believe that, but at the same time I feel like we got along very well and had a lot in common. In my view, I believe we had a lot more in common then we did in difference. I could be wrong, so feel free to let me know.
This email is to not fix things or ask for you back. I believe that you need your time, as do I. I will say this though: you’re amazing Sara. I’ve never been with someone so caring and passionate as you. You’ve shown me so much love in many different forms, and I admire that to unmeetable ends. You have really opened up my eyes and shown me many new things. Thank you and your family for everything. All I can do is take what I have learned and better myself, so I don’t make the same mistake twice. If I can go back in time, I would change those characteristics I’ve mentioned, so I could have prevented losing you, but everything happens for a reason.
Sincerely,
XXXX
First, I really appreciate the e-mail and what it had to say. I am glad that you understand more of what I was trying to explain to you the other night. I would like to tell you that I am doing fine but that would not be truthfull. I know that I hurt you the other night and I am so sorry.
The past few weeks I have been getting overwhelmed with a lot of feelings and emotions. I felt like I have been expressing my feelings over the past few weeks and that they haven't been acknowledged. I should have been more clear and up front with you about my feelings earlier. I feel like we have talked about your moods and all of that stuff quite a bit and that it hasn't really changed that much. You know that the moods are a huge turn off for me and I am always thinking about how you will react to things, large or small. I understand that you are trying to work on it and that is good. I know that it takes time but when you tell me that you want me to "call you out" on it I feel like I am nagging you. I am not a naggy person, and I don't ever want to be the naggy girlfriend, that is just not who I am. I feel like at 22 you are fully aware and capable of controlling your emotions. Like I was saying the other night, I was having second thoughts about you coming with me to Tahoe and I was scared of how you were going to be that day. That should never be an issue and I shouldn't want my boyfriend to not come places with me. I don't want to have to think about how you are going to react to the things that come up everyday and how you are going to react if they don't go the way you think they should. To me that was a big red flag and really made me take a step back. It wouldn't have mattered to me if I was in your position, I would have just wanted to spend the day with you and gone with the flow of things.
You were right when you told me that I haven't opened up to you and that I am scared of getting hurt again. My last relationship really messed me up emotionally. The events and the emotions that I experienced during that time have made me a much more cautious person in regards to trusting and becoming attached to people. I don't ever want to experience those feelings again. Along the same lines I stayed in that relationship for much longer than I should have and I was afraid of letting go. In the end I know that I was the cause of the majority my pain. If I would have walked away earlier then I would have suffered less. I do believe that I would never have to go through that same situation with you but I would be lying to you and to myself if I said that I wasn't afraid of getting hurt again.
Over the past 6 months we have shared some wonderful memories together and I have learned a lot from you as well. I have learned to be more comfortable with myself inside and out. I have always been a self conscious person and with you I have been able to show more of myself than I have in the past. You are a very passionate and loving person and that is one of your best qualities, the ability to truly care about people.
I would love to say that I know what I want but I truly don't right now. I am so confused. To be completely honest with you, I love being with you and just hanging out. I love your kisses and your arms and how you romantic you can be and sentimental but at the same time I have a hard time with other aspects of the relationship and I feel like my heart is not truly in it as much as yours. I feel like you deserve better than that. You deserve to be with someone who is as wrapped up in you as you are in them and I don't know that I can truly and whole heartedly give that to you. I don't want to play games with you and get back together unless I am sure that it is what I want and that I can give you what you give me. These last 48hrs have not been easy for me and I am truly torn apart right now.
Thank you again for your e-mail and letting me into your thoughts and feelings. It meant a lot to me knowing that you understand more of where I was coming from and I hope this e-mail helps you understand a little more.
If you have anything else you would like to add or say please don't hesitate.
Always,
XXXX
Thank you for the response, I really appreciate it.
It's already clear to me that it's time for me to really work on certain things in my own life. You're of course a huge part of it, but working on these things are also for my relationships with my family and friends. Obviously it's not easy to make these kings of changes and you know that, but when I really put my mind to things I can usually make them happen. I started yesterday. I've made a commitment to myself to do it.
I'm just hoping you haven't closed the door.
Sincerely,
XXXX
I know that you are making an effort to make these changes and that it won't be easy but I feel like it is too late. Even if you never made those mistakes again my romantic feelings toward you have changed and because of that it I feel like our relationship would not be genuine. I would feel like I am leading you on and giving you false hope and it would hurt you even more later if my feelings didn't grow or change.
I value you as a person Nick and I respect you and your feelings so I can not in good conscience give you hope for something that I know will stay the same as how I feel now. I hope that you can forgive me at least not now but in time.
I also have your Mom's bear and your sunglasses that I would like you to have back. I could not keep those things from you. Let me know when I can get them to you.
XXXX
I apologize that the emails are long.
I'm looking forward to hearing what you all have to say.