I recently got married, my husband lives in the US and I in Germany, we are currently trying to get the whole Visa thing going so that we can be together.
He has a daughter with his ex-wife and they live nearby each other. They are in contact not only because of his daughter but as he says they are friends. His ex calls wants something from him and if he does not give her what she wants they get into big fights, text, leaving voice mails and screaming at each other about the past and present (they curse and threaten). Neither of them stop, if she doesn’t answer he bugs her and if she won’t reply she bugs him. I listen to the fights and feel like they are married.
Then he screams about how he hates her and will not speak to her again unless it’s about his daughter.
This happens like once a month. A few days later they are friends again, he gives her rides, they talk and so on. She talks to him about her new relationship, even intimate details.
He pays her phone bill (to cover part of child support), he pays child support and has his child about half of the time in a year, he has her on his medical and pays for doctors visits and medicines, he and his family buy whatever his daughter needs (or what mom says she needs, that child has more toys and cloths than I have ever seen). Due to that he can not pay his own bills and I end up paying them. There is much more to it but it would take to long. I feel like they are having a problem letting go and it is harmful to stay in any other but casual contact about their child. Am I seeing this wrong or is there really something to be worried about. Also we whatever plans we have, he hears what she has planned and if they interfere we always work around them and him and her decide and I have to adjust.
I feel he should get the child support and visitation done by a court and stick by it, I feel that he should no longer take care of her, he is not responsible for her only for the child, but when she wants something she uses his daughter for a reason and he gives in. I feel like I am married to her and him, how should I deal with this or what can I do to get him to see that this is harming our marriage? Or am I just overreacting?

I think you should maintain your distance and not get involved with his ex and his problem and what he does. If it intereferes with your marriage well then thats's a different story. I am the best of friends with my ex husband, the father of my children, and he has a girlfriend. My children are all grown. My ex husband has a girlfriend and they come to all our family functions, its not a problem with me. I am not jealous, and if I am stuck with something and I need is help he is right there. He will always be the father of my children. If its bothering you too much, then you need to find someone else who doesn't have so much baggage. You telling him to pay child support through the court is his decision and his business. His daughter will always be in his life. He is married to you not her, and I think you are overreacting.

From the way you describe your marriage, it seems there are three of you in this relationship.
What is your husband's take on this when yout discuss it with him? He is the one who should sort this out-it seems to me that they still carry a lot of baggage around from their marriage.
And how does this affect their child?

In all honesty, I re-read your post, hoping that a marriage had not yet taken place, and what you know of your husband and his ex wife would have shaped your decision to marry him in the first place.

That being said, you knew what the situation was, before you married him, and you will never be in a position to change their relationship, unless they make that choice themselves.

Much of what he does seems inappropriate to me, such as discussing intimate details of his marriage to her, screaming and yelling, angry texts and emails, you paying his bills.

I hope that someone will post with personal experience and advice in how to manage these complicated relationships, and how to successfully come to some terms that work for all.

You don't say how old this child is, but my impression is that if she's still in the toy stage, much work needs to be done among all the adults, for her sake.

Well depends on what's going on when they argue he calls her every name in the book talking about how he is sick of her and is going to let court decide on things to get them straight, when they are not fighting he says they are friends and she is a good person and he lets her borrow money that she doesn't pay back and so on. His daughter gets to see him whenever she wants, she spends every weekend with him and some weekdays, they never fight in front of her so that's a good thing, she is 5 years old and her world is fine as far as that goes. Her and I get along great as well. And he does not talk about our relationship to her, she talks to him about hers.

Welcome to many married men with children, where they use children or know how to push each others buttoms. Often this will go on for years and years.

Why did you marry and not have a way to live with them? How did you meet, how many times have you visted him in the US

they never fight in front of her so thats a good thing, she is 5 years old and her world is fine as far as that goes. Her and I get along great as well.

Even if she isn't in the room, if she is near by, she knows what is going on whether she understands what she is hearing or not (I speak from the experience of being the five year old).

I am glad that you and she get along great.

It sounds like some family counseling might be in order. Being friends is one thing. It can be great for the child. However, they appear to be using 'friendship' as a way to keep using and hurting each other and that is not good or healthy for anyone.

They need to formalize visitation and child support. He is now remarried and starting a new family and there is always the possibility of her doing the same thing. The child's interests in both households need to be protected. Best way is by having everything in writing.

As much as possible, you need to allow them to deal with their own problems. Just remember that his bills are now your bills, too. Sit down with him and work out a budget. Make sure that you both know where the money is going.

Be there for the child. She needs at least one adult in her life.

Well it is not possible to just life in the US, they have some real strict immigration rules, I fly there to see him ever other month, I have spent a lot of time with him and his daughter, he has also visited me and my 13 year old son. The real problems with the ex actually started after we got married. Thanks for all your adivce its very helpful