Multiple threads merged.

Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

I am 34 and my fiancé 23, she is way beyond her years in maturity. We got engaged in December and decided to get married in June the following year. When we met she told me that she still has to complete her Masters which is a 2 year program in another country where it will not be possible for me to go but she still wants to marry me. She recently went on a 10 day vacation with her friends and on her return she said she wants to get married after her masters is complete. Why the u-turn? Shall I wait (2 years) because I know and believe she loves me but feel as if I'll be left hanging. Please help me... She is the one who wanted to get married and is now wants to postpone it for another 2 years due to her not being able to commit to both me and her studies...

Well, since it takes two to get married and one of you wants to postpone it, then that is as far as it can go. There is a lot that can happen in two years and it would be very difficult to try and continue in a relationship if you can't even see her.

Let her go and if it is meant to be, you can pick up where you left off later... but don't wait around for her. There are way too may unforeseen circumstances.

You should discuss it with her and find out what her real reasons are. Communicate,that's a major part of a healthy relationship.
Nobody but her can tell you why she's changed her mind.

If you love her enough you will wait.
She has a valid point.Getting a Masters is a full time job and if she wants to dedicate herself to you as a wife and feels she can not do both,then you must respect her decision.
If you feel there is more to her decision ,than you need to tell her your fears or concerns.

I won't wait. She is going to another country, for 2 years. Humanity has proven time and time again no one can be faithful so far apart for that long.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder... of someone else.
Its not advise. Just the ugly truth.

Just wait it out and see what happens. If it was meant to be, then she will stay faithful. After so much time, even you will feel more reassured about the relationship. If she wanders, then perhaps she would simply have wandered during the actual marriage itself; something even worse! Besides, what's the rush? It's better to get to know each other more and spend more time growing as individuals before getting married.

Why don't you go with her?

New start,new life...

Even when your married she's not going to put her masters on a shelf to gather dust,she's going to use it and still be busy.

I do see where she is coming from,but offer another option to her,she what she says.

Edit: I did read your post and noticed you said it was not possible to go with her... nothing is impossible,it just takes a little brain power and perserverance to achieve the impossible.

That you knew she wanted to pursue/finish her masters when you met her. She is only doing what she said she would do. In her mind, that probably hasn't changed. It was something she set out to do no matter what (or who) comes along.

That being said, she DID agree to marry you before she told you that she wanted to finish her degree.

I think communication is what is needed here. Communication and a whole lot of trust. Long distance relationships can work. They've worked before for numerous couples and will work again for you two if you're both committed to the relationship.

You two must decide if you're willing to wait for it. You need to talk about everything; frequency of visits, communicating, etc.

I do wish you luck. You're NOT in a doomed relationship; all it takes is a little bit of work.

Putting your life on hold is definitely a tough choice.

The fact that you came onto this site means that you're unsure of what to do next. It seems to me that you need some re-assurance from her that she won't postpone the wedding a second time and that she will in fact marry you in two years.

Your best bet would be to discuss the situation with her. Long distance relationships are tough as you are putting your lives on hold for one another. So it takes extra effort to constantly re-assure your feelings for one another.

Make sure that you're both on the same page. Don't leave anything hanging. Lay it all out of the table with each other and find a mutual understanding.

No matter whether you marry before or after she goes to study, you are going to need to be able to communicate. LDRs are built or destroyed by ineffective communication. If you can't discuss this with her while she is face-to-face with you, then you aren't going to be able to handle long distance communications where it is easier to have misunderstandings due to a poor word choice or lack of physical cues (smile, laughter, frowns, hunched shoulders, etc.)

Some things to keep in mind:

It sounds like she may have had a dose of reality while talking to her friends about wedding/school plans. She may have realized that she can't do everything at once which is what it seems she may have been trying to plan.

When does the program start (or has it already)? Would she be attempting to study, learn a new culture, and plan a wedding as well as keep up with a long distance relationship? Then face trying to be a long distance wife with studying?

Thank you all for your feedback.. we've been communicating since I last asked my initial question on this site... her love for me is there but the whole marraige/engagement/commitment is freaking her out.. her program starts in September this year... do I stick it out? Because I would like to spend the rest of my life with this one...

Confusion

Of course you stick it out , she's reassured you that her love for you is still there.

Your still engaged so what's the rush , getting married when your BOTH ready is far more healthy.

By trying to force her to do something before she is ready may just throw some doubts in her mind. Show her you truly love her by respecting her wishes.

I think you need to share more about your problem.

My ex fiancé returned from a vacation with friends after which she broke the news to me "i can't marry you when we planned". She is 23 and I 34. She is a very independent and ambitious person and had told me prior to the engagement that she would need to complete her masters in another country to which I had no issues and was very supportive. After her trip she said she can't get married, then she didn't have an answer to "do even want to stay engaged?"... the I felt she didn't even want to be committed to me/or just not wanting to be in 'a' commitment. She was then comfortable with us exchanging the rings and being BF/GF (quite abnormal) so the cloud of 'committment' doesn't loom over her. After all this I had to call it off due to the indeciveness on her part. The problem now is that I know I've been betrayed but can't get over her... she tells me that she still loves me and I know that but is very confused... btw the engagement and marriage were her ideas... so I wait indefinitely because I think she's making a mistake?

No you don't wait at all,if she is now your ex,and can't make up her mind,you move on with your life.

You will-in reply to your question-forget her,it takes time,as healing from a breakup does.

You keep busy and start leading your own life.

No point prolonging the confusion by thinking she will change her mind.

Amicon is right. Something seems fishy. Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself over this situation. There is quite an age gap and she is still growing up. You will find someone better suited for you in time after you move on from this situation which is no longer any good for you. Good luck and workout and stay positive.

Don't you hate it when it seems like the girl is pushing for commitment only to see that she calls it off. What the fu*k is that?

I'm in the same situation, man.

Ps. Why can't I post w"t"f?

No you dont wait at all,if she is now your ex,and can't make up her mind,you move on with your life.

You will-in reply to your question-forget her,it takes time,as healing from a breakup does.

You keep busy and start leading your own life.

No point prolonging the confusion by thinking she will change her mind.

The reason you can't forget her is because you don't allow it,, you want to move on but you don't let the good and nice memorie out.. and that's the biggest step.. but if she did it, so can you... so stand up and make new things so they can become your new momories

It's seriously hard to switch gears like that. To go from loving someone to... not. All you can tell yourself... is that if she is willing to walk away... let her. You need someone who is certain of their love for you and is willing to stand by their commitment.

Should I go out with her again? i.e. GF/BF...


Its essen6 here... since she is apparently still 'in love' with me shall I wait for a while(a couple of months) as I may find someone else to fill the void, and then voilà... she reappears!


Don't you hate it when it seems like the girl is pushing for commitment only to see that she calls it off. what the fu*k is that?

I'm in the same situation, man.

ps. why can't I post w"t"f?

Its complete BS buddy... the situation women put us in and the fact that we cannot abuse freely on this site...

Yes.

I wouldn't wait around, ess.

Too much confusion and why stay stuck in limbo. My take on this has always been if they can't make up their minds-I can.
And I choose to get on with my own life.

I wouldn't go looking for a new romance until I was completely over the ex though.

Rebounds don't work.
They're not fair on the new person either.

Move on is my suggestion.

Don't you hate it when it seems like the girl is pushing for commitment only to see that she calls it off. what the fu*k is that?

I'm in the same situation, man.

ps. why can't I post w"t"f?

What are you doing about it jre14? Any tips/pointers?

I would go for a rebound. Just make it clear to the other person you are not looking for something serious. Fair warning.

I wouldnt wait around, ess.

Too much confusion and why stay stuck in limbo. My take on this has always been if they can't make up their minds-I can.
And I choose to get on with my own life.

I wouldnt go looking for a new romance until I was completely over the ex though.

Rebounds dont work.
They're not fair on the new person either.

Move on is my suggestion.

essen6 here... Thanks amicon.. if she comes back in the near future and I'm still single... what do I do?

Yes.

Why do you say that LJDK? Maybe we have another opportunity to get to know one another better... I'm just scared she'll do it again...

Well if she comes back, and wants to go out again then why not? I have seen wonderful relationships work out after a break. Sometimes someone just need to clear their head.

I could have said no, which is the logical thing to do... but at the end of the day you will have to figure this one out for yourself. You will have to disregard all 3rd party input and just meditate on your needs, the possibilities of you two spending your life together.

You can gather all the advise in the world, but in the end the only thing that matters is what you think about it all, how you feel and if you are happy.

In the mean time, I would seriously focus more on one thing. Your needs outside of relationships.

My sister and her husband have been through hell and back. Breaking up while engaged. Getting back together a few months later. Now they have kids, they are really both happy... sure they still have issues here and there, but who does not?

All I am saying is, regardless of my opinions or others... its yours that matters. But weigh your options and clear your head before you do.

You're right... I depend too heavily on 'relationships' to make me feel complete/connected... she made me the happiest guy in the world (corny.. but true.. ).. Thanks LJDK.. my needs are to be with someone who is my best friend, not the typical GF/wife/fiance... and that's what I found in her(I've had about 5 serious relationships)... I am in no rush of getting married or even for that matter wanting to be in another relationship!

Uncontrolled Thoughts

Please give more details. Your ex cheated on you? Guessing this was a while ago? She cheated on you with her ex? If this is the case, then that can be very hurtful and it will take time to get over. You must know that generally does not happen. Your ex isn't deserving of your love nor time so give it time and move on. There are better people out there.

Ess-is this your ex from your other thread?
More details please.

Ess-is this your ex from your other thread?
More details please.

Yup... same one... she cheated on me with her ex on new years eve... we were having a few problems and didn't spend that night together... I found out after we broke up that she had cheated... why can't I get that vision of her and the ex out of my mind? Its haunting me!


Please give more details. Your ex cheated on you? Guessing this was a while ago? She cheated on you with her ex? If this is the case, then that can be very hurtful and it will take time to get over. You must know that generally does not happen. Your ex isn't deserving of your love nor time so give it time and move on. There are better people out there.

Yup.. she was not my ex at the time (new years eve).. we broke up about 10 days ago but I found out 3 days ago what she had done... I really loved/love her... yes I know she has her own flaws and is young.. if she comes back and apolgises for cheating and means it shall consider taking her back?

Ess-is this your ex from your other thread?
More details please.

The damn image of her making out with her ex is haunting me amicon... mentally and physically..! How should I deal with that apart from drinking or numbing oneself through medication?. was thinking of taking lexotinal for a while... I'm not trying to be weak and turn to medication its just that thought is embedded in my mind and can't get rid of it!

Well that's awful,sad how we live and learn.

Don't use any substance to selfmedicate,however,that'll only make it worse.

You know,sometimes we just have to go through the pain till it goes away.

Keeping busy helps.
And letting it sink in that the reasons for the breakup were more than met the eye.

Take her back? Why?
She obviously wasn't the person you thought she was.

Sounds to me like its time you get some rebounds going.

I would strongly advice you against going down the rebound route.
It's not fair on the rebound and it won't help you heal.

You need to be completely over an ex before you start thinking of having a new relationship.

Stick to your NC now,take it one day at the time,be around people who care for you and stay busy.

Take care.

LJ, horrible advice. Rebounds aren't the answer, in reality they cause more problems.

All I can say to the OP is that things do get better, each day is a struggle until one day it starts hurting less and less and then one morning you wake up and the pain isn't there anymore. It's like a scar, when you first cut yourself, it hurts and bleeds(tears) then it starts to heal but still hurts if you touch it. Once it finally heals, you are still reminded of the wound(your ex and love) but it doesn't hurt to touch

Fact is she cheated, and has other things to do besides marry you. Cheating is a big deal breaker, and her lack of honesty, or commitment is a red flag that her priorities don't match yours at all.

Rome is correct, this will hurt for a while, but when you make up your mind to do other things, and keep her out of your life, your wounds will heal.

On another note, please stop starting new threads, and just add to this one. The facts being in one place, helps the input you get.

Well, since it takes two to get married and one of you wants to postpone it, then that is as far as it can go. There is a lot that can happen in two years and it would be very difficult to try and continue in a relationship if you can't even see her.

Let her go and if it is meant to be, you can pick up where you left off later...but don't wait around for her. There are way too may unforeseen circumstances.

I am quoting my first post... I know it's redundant, but realize that this was one of those unforseen circumstances and imagine that it could have happened at any time in your relationship, especially overseas.

If you give yourself many months of healing, you will physically watch yourself going from emotionally attached, to barely attached at all, or even DISliking her. It's a progression. You have to just go day by day, focusing on your future goals instead of her. It will slowly heal, and you will be proud of yourself, when you realize you barely thought of her once during the day. Read the stickies in the Relationship Forum and you won't feel alone.