Hello all,

My girlfriend and I recently had a blowup about her not having enough "girl time" or space. We have been dating for 13 months (today actually) and have had a pretty steady relationship. We get into minor indifferences once in awhile but they are usually resolved within the hour.

Lately she has been asking for more girl time with her room mates (we live in college dorms) and I told her that I'm fine with that and to have a good time. Our rule (yes our) is that we wouldn't drink alcohol without the other one present. We have maintained that since day one and tonight she told me she was going to drink with her female room mates and watch a movie... typical girl time. I mentioned what we had said about drinking without each other and her response was "well, it's just me and my girls." I referenced an older event where she had a test the following day and I was going to play video games and drink a few beers we had left over from a party. I was told that I shouldn't because it's pointless since I won't feel anything. It went back and forth but ultimately I didn't because I wanted to respect what she had asked. Yes, I wanted to drink a few beers but simply because she didn't want me to, I didn't.

Well, she didn't like that very much and said that it was different. It got heated and she told me to leave her alone for girls night and to stop smothering her. I walked over to her apartment (on the other side of the complex) and was going to call her to come out to give her a kiss for our 13 months and then leave. When I got there, I contemplated for a second whether I should interrupt or not. They happened to be in the living room right behind the door. As I was thinking about this she opens the door to see me standing there and calls me a creeper in front of all her friends. I was embarrassed to say the least. It looked as though I had been standing out there (in 20 F weather) listening to them... which I honestly wasn't. She doesn't believe me and I end up leaving as she closes the door and I hear them erupt into laughter.

I came back to my apartment feeling like a fool. So I wrote her a letter to apologize for all the wrong things I had done in our relationship (instead of writing the love letter I had intended on). I called her and told her I would be coming over to give her something she hesitated a little then finally agreed to come out. I gave it to her and tried to explain that it looked bad, but my intentions were good but all I got was:

I don't trust her
She thinks I'm a creeper
I'm a stalker
I don't give her enough space
Leave her alone
She will talk with me when she feels like it

In all honesty, yes I do spend a lot of time with her. A lot more than we should actually. But I can't help it. I love her to death and we've even talked about marriage. We booked plane tickets for spring break just a few days ago as well. I know that I can be a little clingy but I don't know how to stop and be okay with it.

Any advice on what I should do from here and what I can do to be less clingy would be appreciated...

The only thing you can do when someone tells you to leave them alone-is to do just that.
Cut off all contact with her no phonecalls,text letters or turning up on her doorstep.
Disappear from her life and do your own thing.
If she wants to talk to you she will,but don't get your hopes up.

I agree with Amicon,back off!

Clingy and needy is a huge turn off!

Spent time with your friends and do your own thing.
Loving someone to "death" is a good way to "kill" a relationship.

When you find yourself feeling that desperation that will ultimately drive her away,ask yourself why you are so desperate and what is this need you have for her that is borderline obsessive?

A little self introspection would serve you well.

Remember that you can't force love and you need to be a whole and independent person happy when alone before you will ever be ready for an adult healthy relationship.

You need to be happy alone first,is very key!

I think you need to break up with her. And have a bit of 'me time' where you do what is best for yourself.

She was pretty thoughtless and mean. She made fun of you in front of her friends and called you names. I was going to say that you let her make a fool out of you, but I think you are actually doing this by yourself.

We can all do foolish things when we are in love, and we all probably have. But I hope you can see that you were undermining yourself. Have a bit of self respect, and then others will treat you with respect. You deserve better treatment.

PS a lot of your actions seem like grovelling. Most people when treated like this would be angry not crawling back.

As soon as she insulted me, in front of people and made me feel as big as an ant, I would have told her it's over. No one deserves to be made to feel less than what they are. I wouldn't waste my time, especially considering when you go over to her dorm now, you will feel awkward and embarrassed around her friends.

I got to agree with Llisa and Romefalls19 here,

Your actions, whilst not wise, had good intentions where as she was just being Mean. Especially putting you down in front of her friends and then laughing about it the moment you are not there.
And the situation you gave us with your Drinking rule shows she clearly has double standards in this relationship.

My first response would be to advise you to break up with this girl since your relationship with her just isn't healthy, but since you Love her to death I doubt that's an option so would advice taking a temporary Break in your relationship, to give her the space she craves and so that you can learn to live without her yourself.

Whilst rules like not drinking without the other party present sounds like a compromised reasonable rule, the fact is that rules have exceptions. You for when you would be alone and her whilst only hanging out with girl friends should not have been an issue.

The way to truly value a relationship is to still have your independence as well. With trust, there should be no issue with her having her time with the girls and you have nights with the guys or with yourself. It makes a relationship stronger, not weaker.

To top it off, the night she is asking to have some quality 'her' time, you should up at her door with the excuse of an 13-m. anniversary kiss. Which is horribly clingy since she asked for her night and her time.

You sound like you have given up all of your independence which makes you horribly needy in the relationship. Give her space and time. While I don't agree with degrating comments especially in front of all of her girlfriends, she was apparently exceptionally put off with your blatant disregard for her feelings and her request.

Step back and let some time pass, let her come to you, continuing to smother her will only push her further from your life.

I think you both acted badly, turning a reasonable situation, into a bad one. What's worse, you went back again.

You really need something else to do besides worry about what she is doing. Had you left her alone to enjoy herself, you would have been a hero, but for selfish, insecure reasons, you blew it, and she made it worse by her bad public spectacle.

Think before you act. You promised her freedom, but gave her a hassle.

I think the last two responses really helped me. You guys are right. I'll admit I have lost some of my independence from this relationship and I need to get it back. I'm full admitting what I did was wrong as well... I'm not denying that. I wish I would have been treated with a little more respect in front of her friends even though she was probably pretty mad.

I appreciate your advice and will take it to heart. Apart from this instance her and I are pretty great and I don't think either of us want to end up apart. I'm giving her her time and she actually wants to talk about the whole thing later tonight. So... I guess things are looking up.

I think the last two responses really helped me. You guys are right. I'll admit I have lost some of my independence from this relationship and I need to get it back. I'm full admitting what I did was wrong as well...I'm not denying that. I wish I would have been treated with a little more respect in front of her friends even though she was probably pretty mad.

I appreciate your advice and will take it to heart. Apart from this instance her and I are pretty great and I don't think either of us want to end up apart. I'm giving her her time and she actually wants to talk about the whole thing later tonight. So...I guess things are looking up.

Congratulations! :D That is a good step.

Congradulations!! :D That is a good step.

Thank you. I made a little mix of slow indie songs we both like... should I give it to her?

Right now, put the romantic things on hold, your romance is still going to come off as clingy if you don't give her a chance.

You still need to work on your independence also. Since you have posted there has been contact in which she wants to talk (hopefully a good talk) than you have spent the rest of the afternoon mixing a CD for her... you have to lay off a lot.

Right now, put the romantic things on hold, your romance is still going to come off as clingy if you don't give her a chance.

You still need to work on your independence also. Since you have posted there has been contact in which she wants to talk (hopefully a good talk) than you have spent the rest of the afternoon mixing a CD for her... you have to lay off alot.

I have mainly been taking today to reflect on everything that happened and how I can be a better boyfriend to her and a more independent person to myself. I was just listening to music while reflecting and while listening I dragged some songs on a playlist.

I don't know if I'll give it to her today or not... but it was just something I did while thinking to myself.

::cough:: smothering ::cough::

How is it smothering? She wants to talk and is coming over to see me? If I give it to her today, tomorrow, next week, or a month from now for her to listen to on her own... how is it smothering?

Sorry as a female I would find it to be smothering. She is itching for you to step back a little bit and have some personal space, now her personal space is to be with music that reminds you of her and you. You just need to lay low. Let her come around to you.

While you might be smothering her, I don't really think you should apologise for it. Is she going to apologise to you? What is the deal with this relationship? How do you treat each other in average circumstances.

Also, it doesn't matter if she was mad, nobody who loves you should belittle you, especially in front of other people. Would you ever do that to her?

HockeyPro, JustWantFair is right. Your girlfriend (soon to be ex if you don't cut the crap) knows how you feel. But after her calling you a creep and all that drama that night, she thinks you are all over her. Considering this post started 2 days ago, you haven't given any space. How is giving her a cd suppose to convince her that you are not all over her and thinking of her 24/7? Remember you are in dangerous waters. Be the cool guy that doesn't always think of her. Believe me, my dad does that and my mom has been annoyed for years. Stay clear and have fun doing what you do and then she will be more interested and find you sexy. Don't ignore her but don't look for her first for a while till you see her wanting you a lot. Do it now before its too late. These are not games but right now she needs some space so stay busy doing other things and find a balance. You will be happy you did.