My boyfriend and I have been dating (and living together) for almost a year. Recently, he left his email up and I saw a lot of emails from his ex-girlfriend. I clicked open one of them (from her) and read the short paragraph that amounted to, essentially, cyber sex (her imagining which position he'd use on her).

I told him and he immediately apologized (of course) and sent her a text message saying that he had to stop, was very much in love with me, and didn't want to continue talking to her. (She responded by asking if I knew, then threatening to tell me if I didn't already.) He deleted all communications, and blocked her on Facebook.

He's been truly remorseful and said that he had been feeling guilty about the exchange--was almost glad to be caught. They had been flirting/sex-emailing for about a month. She sent him an email saying that she thought about him when she has sex with other men or masturbates. She lives in a different state and has mentioned coming to visit, but my boyfriend says he really has no interest in being with her physically--only the fantasy.

He has a history of cheating (I started dating him before he broke up with his last girlfriend), but mostly it's about not being happy in his relationship. He says that he's made a huge mistake in talking to his ex and that it's made him realize just how lucky he is to have me.

I think that this is forgivable and that I understand him wanting to live out a fantasy (though neither of us think that involving another person, especially an ex-, in a fantasy is acceptable). I just want some advice on whether this is really serious.

So after this discovery,do you trust him?

And also,you understand him wanting the fantasy,except he has already had her,( more a reality then fantasy)

If you think this is forgivable,and your understanding about the situation,I wonder why your looking for an outside opinion,unless of course you think there's more to it?

I just wanted to add... you say he HAD to stop because he got caught,who knows are far it may have gone,he cheated on her for you,who knows how much further he would go... there is a certain irony that he cheated on you with her...

If it was me,id have packed his bags and shown him the door...

I do trust him, but still feel uneasy about the situation. Today, I am bored and lonely (I'm out of town) and am, perhaps, looking for trouble by posting. I also have only talked to my mother about this, and am looking for outside advice. And I sincerely doubt that he would have cheated with her had the opportunity arisen.

And as far as your point about the fantasizing (it seems like you were questioning why he would fantasize about someone he already had), I think it's quite natural to include real people in fantasies. I certainly think of other real people when I'm fantasizing (including ex's, of course).

Do you have email sex with your ex's?

No?

Why?

Cause you love your boyfriend and would not betray him like that,and its kind of sort of cheating?

I don't think your looking for trouble,maybe just a different view,at the end of the day,only you can make the decisions.

I know you doubt that he would not cheat on you... but was he not with you when he cheated on her?

Maybe I'm just tarring and feathering here,but just because he says I'm sorry,does not make it OK,it changes your relationship...

You can get over it,and you trust him and doubt it would cheat on you... but your gut is telling you something,that inner voice is never wrong.

First of all, you say that this guy has a history of cheating. One of the main things you look for in a guy when you start to date him, or are interested in him, is his history. His history will, essentially be, the future of your relationship. It doesn't matter if he isn't happy in a relationship or not- love does not = cheating. He could cheat on you and bring up an excuse like, "I wasn't happy in the relationship." Having cybersex with his ex, is flirting with the idea of cheating. He's not really cheating, he's just typing about it. What makes you think that it would be impossible for this guy to cheat? If anything, it looks extremely unlikely that he will NOT cheat on you. This relationship is not going down the right path. Love is a choice. Love is a verb. This guy says he loves you, but just from what he has done in this one action, I would doubt that he really does. Love is trust, commitment, respect, NOT romantic feelings. There's a good chance that all this guy has for you is romantic feelings.

Not only that, but it seems like you've been going way too fast, you're living together after only a year. Couples who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to have failed relationships before they reach the alter, and are more likely to have marriage problems or divorce than couples who cohabitate after marriage. I did live with my fiancé for about a year, but he moved out when we learned that cohabitating before our wedding would, more than likely, cause issues.

If you're having problems trusting this guy, you need to let him know. If I were you, going by this guy's past, I wouldn't have even begun to date him anyway. And going by his recent actions, I would've shown him the door. In my book, cheating is unacceptable, and cybersex, is pretty much cheating with words and pictures on a screen.

I agree with Redhed he is not Trustworthy he cheated before and he will cheat on you too pack and leave,Good luck.

John

He does have a history of cheating... and he only stopped when you told him. I don't know sounds... fishy. Just odn't trust himma and you moved in too fast. I believe in love all the way, I am a romantic at heart but this is really fishy.

Whoa whoa whoa.

By saying that cheaters always cheat and cheating is completely unacceptable, are you saying that anyone who cheats is forever forbidden from healthy relationships?

Again, I am looking for outside advice (and appreciate the responses), but do you all *really* think that this is a deal-breaking offense? Would you really sacrifice a potentially great relationship for such a grievance?

I have had mildly flirtatious emails with ex's, and I know plenty of people who have cheated in the past and are now dedicated partners or spouses. I believe there is also the question of the difference between flirting and cheating--fantasy and reality.

What's done is done. We can't change the past. What you need to ask yourself is whether you can accept what happened and move forward? Do you feel like he can be loyal from now on? Do you think that he can regain your trust?

Wow, having just been on the other side of the coin here, I think all the speculation is premature.

To the OP, only you can decide if the trust can be rebuilt. He has made his efforts to make amends and he has crossed a line, but maybe he is true to his word.

So, the question is really can you rebuild that trust with him? If you believe you can, then you owe it to yourself to try. If you can't, then do him the favor and let him go his own way.

The fact remains she was not even feasible for an affair. I would give him the opportunity to make amends.

Thanks, "I wish." I do think I can trust him again. And, yes, I suppose that's the only thing that really matters.

If you confronted him with this and he admitted to it that means he did something worse that you don't know about

If your relationship is going to be healthy, it will take more than trust. Like I said before, love is actions, commitment, and honesty as well as trust, all 4 of which this guy threw out the window when he started having sex with his ex over the internet. You can trust a guy all you want, but when his actions are saying that he can't be trusted, it's probably a good idea to re-evaluate some things. Words can speak, but actions sing. Have you ever heard of that? Actions speak louder than words? It's true! Only you can choose to continue the relationship or not, and whether to trust the guy. Whatever way you choose, I do wish you two every happieness.

I think this is serious, you've only caught him with his ex', I wonder how many others he has had cyber sex with,not to mention fantasies and conversations about what sort of position they preferr.

Yes of course he's sorry but only because he's been found out.
You said yourself that he is known as a cheat,which means he is deceitful by his very nature.

Didn't you say that he cheated on this same girl when he started dating you... I would say that in her case,she is seeing pay back time.

I wonder, did you know that he had a girlfriend when you started to date him?

What if he thinks of his ex' every time you have sex, wishing it were her, imagining everything and maybe choosing positions that they have talked about, he most certainly is not going to tell you.

He sounds to me like he can charm the birds out of the trees and every girl friend believes him.

My opinion is to leave him alone free to decieve who ever he wishes, he will only bring you heartache in the end.

What if he was only flirting online and his own girlfriend, who knows him better than the rest of us, believes that he can be trusted again?

What if we make up a hundred scenerios that only cause her to never trust him again?

Can we not take him at his word and actions now? Flirting online has to be the same form of cheating as adultery?

I wonder if that is really what she meant by he has been known as a cheat?

I think that if there is a history of cheating, that does indeed plant the seed that it will likely happen again, as you have found out.

Cheating once on a partner, getting counselling, and never repeating past mistakes, is one thing.

Cheating right from the get-go, with you, does not bode well for trust.

It might be a relationship with the potential for a great future, but at some point, the repeated betrayal would indeed, be a deal breaker.

It would be for me.

I have to stick up for Justy here.

I flirt all the time. Nothing ever comes of it because I flirt with people that know that I'm married, happy, not looking to have an affair.

Things are a bit different for me because my husband knows and he's okay with it.

Here's my advice to the OP. He did it, he was caught, he's sorry and he took all the steps necessary to get her out of his life. I think that you should give him another chance.

Here's what I think happened. Ex's can be very persuasive. Obviously at one time he cared about her, maybe he even loved her, but the relationship died. I would bet that she made first contact and he probably didn't want to hurt her feelings, so he went along with it.

The fact that he felt guilty about it shows me that he does care about you.

Definitely talk about this with him. Definitely tell him how you feel, but I would give it another chance.

That's just my opinion. :)

Wow, there are a lot of bitter, untrusting women responding to this thread.

To the OP: If you think you can trust him, then go with that. Keep communication open with him--INCLUDING those times when you feel insecure. He's cut her from his life, apologized--give him his chance.

But this IS his chance. Apologizing if it happens again isn't going to cut it.

Make sure you BOTH are willing to talk to and listen to each other, about not only this subject but about ANY subject that has a bearing on your relationship.

Only by communication will you rebuild trust.

Oh--and for all of you out there that think "once a cheater, always a cheater", please remember that first off, if you've never cheated, that doesn't make you righteous. That makes you IGNORANT of the reasons people cheat. Secondly, I bet every last one of you has forgiven a fault in someone else that you swore up and down at one point would NEVER forgive--or you've DONE something you said you'd never forgive in another person.

Telling her to DTMFA is a little judgmental, don't you think?

I guess time will tell if history will once again, repeat itself.

Being an optimist myself, it may very well work out, and he'll never stray again. Let's hope so for the OP's sake.

The thing that would bother me about the situation is that the op and her boyfriend have been together for less then a year...

If this was 5 or 6 years down the line,in an established relationship,I would say try and work it out... but he is already looking around and his focus is on someone else...

If he can turn it around fair play,and I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater,relationships can recover and become great again.

He got caught,he did not man up to it.. he got caught,it was not one or two flirty emails it a 'lot' of cyber sex with an ex girlfriend less then a year ago...

If that does not say there's a big problem,then ill eat my hat.

Had to spread the rep red, but I agree with what you have said throughout your posts.

I hope that what you have said, is at least pause for some serious thought for the OP.

Wow, there are a lot of bitter, untrusting women responding to this thread.

To the OP: If you think you can trust him, then go with that. Keep communication open with him--INCLUDING those times when you feel insecure. He's cut her from his life, apologized--give him his chance.

But this IS his chance. Apologizing if it happens again isn't going to cut it.

make sure you BOTH are willing to talk to and listen to each other, about not only this subject but about ANY subject that has a bearing on your relationship.

Only by communication will you rebuild trust.

Oh--and for all of you out there that think "once a cheater, always a cheater", please remember that first off, if you've never cheated, that doesn't make you righteous. That makes you IGNORANT of the reasons people cheat. Secondly, I bet every last one of you has forgiven a fault in someone else that you swore up and down at one point would NEVER forgive--or you've DONE something you said you'd never forgive in another person.

Telling her to DTMFA is a little judgmental, don't you think?

I disagree with this post.
I disagree on the grounds that I am not bitter nor untrusting.
I disagree because relationships don't come with 'free get out of jail cards',your in the relationship,he had his chance,he's on his second chance.
Lastly,I never cheated,I'm not righteous,and I know many reasons people cheat,but yet you call me ignorant.

In the last line of your post you say other posters are being judgemental,fair enough,your entitled to your opinion,however,your own post also makes you sound a little judgemental,don't you think.

You're admitting that you don't believe a cheater can be redeemed--EVER--then, Red?

I pointed no fingers other than to say that some of the posts have had very bitter responses, and that the people who think that "once a cheater, always a cheater" have some pretty self-righteous views that I consider to be ignorant.

So... unless you're saying you don't believe someone who has cheated in the past can be redeemed, then I wasn't pointing at you at ALL.

And actually, yes--relationships that work DO sometimes have "get out of jail free cards". People do stupid crap all the time. I give my husband a get out of jail free card every freaking day when he puts his peanut butter knife at the EDGE of the sink, where I drag my sleeve through it, rather than IN the sink, even though he KNOWS it's a peeve of mine.

So... "forgiveness for stupidity" can be called a "get out of jail free card", if you like. And couples that can't forgive stupidity won't last longer than a New York minute.

I bet that if she read BACK, the emails would have slowly gotten worse after an initial "hi, how are you, been thinking about you". Either way, the OP is the one that has to figure out if he's truly remorseful (I'm betting he is) or if he's just feeding her a line. And regardless how you see it--the OP is guilty of being "the other woman", so she's not all sugar and spice innocence herself.

Lastly... it sounds like their communication levels are actually pretty good--they were able to talk about it, even though it took "catching" him to make it stop rather than him just stopping. Sorry--sometimes that's what it takes to wake up.

And yes--I'm judgmental. EVERYONE is judgmental. I'm just not a hypocrite about it. I'm also one of three people in this thread that didn't jump up and scream "DTMFA!"

PS--I email (and IM, and Facebook chat, and text and CALL) a lot of my exes. All of those things are password protected on my computer and phone, so that my husband MUST ask me to see those emails/texts/call logs/whatever if he wants to see them. It's not that I'm doing anything wrong--those are just MY areas, MY private conversations, and I don't feel that I should have to let someone else read them behind my back. Do you think your advice to my husband would be that I'm "hiding something", and that I must be cheating (once a cheater, always a cheater, after all), and that he can't trust me because I've "betrayed" him in the past by cheating on him?

We're going to disagree back and forth on this completely---but I NEVER targeted you specifically until you owned up (if that's what your last post meant) that you believe "once a cheater, always a cheater".

Hey synnen,I said in post 21 I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater.. at all.

I believe in personnal space in relationships,and privacy,even after an affair,if a couple can trust again then they trust again,other wise what's the point.

Things like jam and socks and dirty underwear on the floor,is only surface,if you were to sweat the small stuff everyday,your head would be wreaked.

Forgiveness for stupidity,thank god for it as far as I'm concerned...

But your get out of jail card is for the big stuff,the serious stuff.

Your post hit a nerve with me,I read it as a blanket statement.

My apoligies to the op for going off topic.

This is a quote from the OP.


I think that this is forgivable and that I understand him wanting to live out a fantasy (though neither of us think that involving another person, especially an ex-, in a fantasy is acceptable). I just want some advice on whether this is really serious.

She's looking for support. So far it seems that everyone is telling her to dump this guy, leave the relationship, he's a cheater, he's a jerk, etc. etc.

She feels this is forgivable. She knows him better then any of us do. They've been together for a year, they live together.

I just don't think it's right for us to point out every flaw that he has, talk her into leaving, tell her he's a cheater. We don't know that.

Yes, we all have a right to our opinions, but how much of our opinion in this matter is based on past experiences? How many of us are offering advice because we've been cheated on and we're bitter?

I talk to my exes all the time. Heck, when my ex came to visit last February the only day he was available was Valentine's Day, so I went out for dinner with him and a club, on Valentine's Day! My husband stayed home with the kids.

I have never cheated on my husband but I have cheated in other relationships. It happens.

Personally I think that the OP loves him and has invested a lot in this relationship. I could be wrong, he may do it again, but I think he at least deserves the chance to change.

She has to be able to accept different points of view, and figure out herself what she wants to do.

Neither my husband or myself, married 33 years without any affairs, months of sexting, or either of us being 'the other person', probably does make me a little biased.

My post was to point out that this was more than a one night stand in my opinion, there is a history that, unless I've missed something, has not been addressed through counselling or honesty (the email were found, then he fessed up). He has not worked through, in my opinion, his feelings for his ex, no matter whether they are sexually, emotionally or what.

That would be the very basic first step in recovering trust, which is the real issue here, and then building a foundation on trust. That's not a judgment call, that's just being realistic.

It is possible to work past any problem in any relationship if both parties are willing to do the work, the very hard work, to work through it, and work past it. I have seen in my experience, much stronger healthier relationships afterward.

To the OP, I hope that the year you have been with him gives you an opportunity to really evaluate your relationship. Only you can determine if you and he can survive and thrive together. Nobody that I see here is suggesting that it will NEVER work, none of us can read your future.

But, as in all relationships, use caution, trust your instinct, and for now at least, believe that he is remorseful and wants to change. Not an easy thing to do for anybody, but again, it can be done.

In a way, you are stronger than some. Many would have indeed kicked his behind to the curb, others would forgive, others would insist on counselling. No two relationships are the same. Unfortunately there is no rule book.

This could have happened 10 years down the road too.

I do wish you success in whatever you decide to do, and however you decide to tackle this.

I don't buy the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" concept either. I think that if a person truly feels remorse for their actions and is willing to make every effort to repair the damage, then they that person deserves a second chance.

However, in this case, the boyfriend is a repeat offender. He's been emailing her continuously. The only reason he stopped is because he got caught. Think about it, if he wasn't caught, he would be continuing those emails.

I think the main question here is what you consider cheating.

I don't consider flirty emails to be cheating. Is it wrong? Well, if your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife isn't okay with it, then yes, it's wrong, but is it cheating? Not in my book.

I think that flirty emails are more flexible. But in this case, the OP said:


She sent him an email saying that she thought about him when she has sex with other men or masturbates.

That, to me, seems very inappropriate.

I don't know the extent of their 'sexting', but words on a page that excite you are not that much different than pornography, which are pictures on a page that are meant to sexually excite.

For me the biggest factor here is this is still not a feasible person to illicit an affair with. If he wanted to cheat, than wouldn't he illicit these communications with someone local, someone he knows locally.

He has apologized, maybe being caught, gave him a reason to realize his feelings and to understand how his actions were affecting someone he cared about.

Love is not this cut and dry, it the OP's choice, whether she can decide to trust her partner again. I don't think that morally I can walk around and illicit advice that every relationship is doomed and a failure and to break up.

This seems like a relationship that has a chance, it's not my place to decide whether he is truly remorse because he was caught or not.

I think that flirty emails are more flexible. But in this case, the OP said:


She sent him an email saying that she thought about him when she has sex with other men or masturbates.

That, to me, seems very inappropriate.

That is her words, that doesn't mean that is the way he feels.

He cut off contact as a progressive step in the right direction.

Because, his ex, was overly involved doesn't mean that he was.

That's what is so interesting about this for the OP. He is feeling remorse for his own actions, regardless of what anybody calls 'cheating'. That gives me hope that they can both take that, and work on the trust issues that have affected their relationship.

I respect your opinion Alty, but I know that if my husband were having conversations with his ex about her masturbating to visions of him, and when she is with someone else she is thinking of him, and she wanted to get together with him, to me that's cheating. Maybe pre-cheating? Lol Not so sure such a thing exists.

But just me, I don't really care what it's called technically, but if he pulled that crap with me even once, he would be out the door. Maybe that's why he doesn't. He has often said he only fears two things. Me and death.

I really would admire anybody who could get past this situation and not only still be together, but be stronger than ever. Have to stay positive and keep moving toward common goals, whatever they may be.

Cheating is defined by each couple.

No two couples have the same definition.

Unfortunately, both sides of the couple often assume that they know where the line is, rather than discussing it with their partner.

To me, the fact that they were able to communicate about it says a LOT about the couple in general.

That is her words, that doesn't mean that is the way he feels.

He cut off contact as a progressive step in the right direction.

Because, his ex, was overly involved doesn't mean that he was.

We don't know how he feels, so I'm not about to take a guess. But actions speak louder than words.

I agree that he has taken a progressive step. However, based on the facts, it looks/appears (not 100% sure) like he would have continued those emails had he not gotten caught. That would be troublesome.

I hope for the OP's sake that he's truly sorry and willing to make the effort to repair the trust.

I don't think it's entirely a question of cheating. It sounds more like she's uncomfortable with his emails with his ex, so they have to come to a mutual understanding through honest communication.

Thank you all, again, for your comments. And, yes, it is my decision at the end of the day, but I appreciate this rather lively debate that's been sparked.

I think it's important to really give the idea of "cheating" a critical eye--as well as question what matters most in a relationship.

After posting, I called up my boyfriend to talk to him (he was taking a long nap at the time) and felt reassured in my decision to trust him. For those concerned about the "pattern" of cheating (which, at this point, was my main concern), he has had many more partners than I and only cheated on one girlfriend (by all accounts one of the most miserable relationships I've ever heard of--one that ended long before it Ended). I don't condone cheating, but I trust that if he and I ever got to the point that he was with his previous girlfriend, I would know about it and be able to end things if necessary. As many have mentioned, open communication is key, and if that continues, I think we should be able to as well.

Most important to me is this honesty. I've had boyfriends in the past who make up silly reasons to break up rather than admit to simply being *attracted* to someone else. I find that to be a perfectly acceptable reason to break up a DATING relationship. Particularly in long relationships, things can drag on well past their expiration date and often the only thing that snaps one partner to wake up to dissatisfaction is interest in someone else.

And I do trust him to be honest. I'm not sure what would have happened to his (completely inappropriate for those who were unsure) correspondence with his ex- if I hadn't found out. But he certainly made no attempt to hide it (unlike conversations that he and I had while he was still with his previous girlfriend). I do think he was relieved to be caught.

Moving on, I think our relationship will be stronger for this. Living together and both having obscene amounts of free time (he's been out of work for months and I'm a part-time graduate student) has affected the intensity of our attraction to one another. It's difficult to really *want* someone you can have pretty much 24/7. One of the most difficult things for me about monogamy is having to give up those flirtatious, exciting, fantasy-filled moments of new attraction. So, we've been working actively on ways to excite each other more, to fill in a gap in our relationship that we both need.

So, thank you again for all of your comments. My best to you all.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

Regards.

For those concerned about the "pattern" of cheating (which, at this point, was my main concern), he has had many more partners than I and only cheated on one girlfriend (by all accounts one of the most miserable relationships I've ever heard of--one that ended long before it Ended).

I think it's the use of describing his history of cheating, that ultimately lead people to be cautious and support you moving on. Be careful how you describe a history of cheating, as having had more partners than you, is a history, but not necessarily of cheating. He is not being described now as what I would consider a repeat offender. I think your chances are high that you can recover from this experience.

Thank you for returning with an update. This thread has been in my thoughts.

In a nutshell, if you want my advice, I say install a key logger on his computer as another method that will enable you to know for sure he's being 100% honest and consistent with you.. Life is way too Short to play games and live it blindsided choosing to know what you want to know instead of reality. It worked for me since there's always that chance and you can stop the continual betrayal at its tracks which saves you a lot of wasted time and grieving down the road! If you know his password to his emails or if he leaves it open, lets you see his phone history calls or text just to prove to you he cut off communication wonderful, keeper for a lifetime!. But what if you or he is on away for a trip and or he's home alone? He can always delete the history and get his emails forward to alias's.. He's betrayed you once, who's to say he won't laps and slip again when he gets tempted? There's nothing to hide in committed, serious, relationship and being open and honest about everything should be a give in especially if you’re planning to take your relationship to the next level of commitment, marriage one day.. Life has no guarantees! Proceed with caution. I'm glad I did it because it saved me a lot of wasted time, head aches, and heart aches which enabled me to cut my losses before it got deeper. I was able to find someone who was open, honest, and trustworthy! We are definitely on the same page. The earlier you cut your loses the better chance you find the one who will respect and honor your love, trust, devotion and commitment and means what he says not what you want to hear and repeat offend you! My Ex was continually lying and the computer history was proof thanks to the key logger, which if you Google it, you’ll find one you’ll like that fits your needs! While my Ex was saying he was studying or playing his video games on his personal time, he was actually playing with cyber sexing, online hook-up sites, and communicating ex gf's, and so forth planning to take it to the next step by planning to hook up and that definitely crossed the line. When I confronted him with it and his profiles across the board online, he made excuses saying that they were there before me and forgot about them, or the girls he’s talking to are just gaming friends or old friends etc… Got to love technology! Now you can find cheaters high speed with just a click, cheating online is just as easy as finding cheaters! At the end of the day, you make the final choice but at least you can decide using other options and what to do with it.. So you know your in a solid, secure, & stable relationship feeling complete trust without any doubts, or question if whether he is truly 100%.. Trust is important in a relationship, but blind trust is foolish! Of course, we can't change a person just ourselves and if he doesn’t want to change his ways then change you’re boyfriend! Good Luck with your choices and decision you make just right for you!

Hello Iam4real,

Welcome to this website you responded a thread that is more than 2 years old and always check the date on the left upper corner before you respond, Thanks.

John