I recently found out my wife was having a affair with a man she works with. I have decided to stay in the marriage and we are working on our problems and going through counseling.

How ever she says that when she had sex with him sometimes she would have a vaginal orgasm. She has never had one with me or any of her other partners she says.

I know this is a impossible question but does anyone have any idea why. She says she has no idea why he did not do anything different than me. We have talked about it but she does not know why it happened with him and not me.

I know if she does not know I can't expect others to know as well. I am just looking for outside thoughts or comments.

Thanks for reading.

/shrug

For some women, a vaginal orgasm NEVER happens.

I don't know that there have been studies done that pinpoint why it sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't. If there HAVE been said studies, I don't know how valid they are.

My guess is that a lot of it is mental. The biggest sex organ is the brain, of course. Could be the fact that her affair was illicit, could be the length of time spent on foreplay or intercourse, it could simply be that she was focusing more on her own body and less on that of her partner.

If she doesn't know, there's no one simple answer for it. So many women don't seem to be able to orgasm themselves OR with a partner, so my sincere advice is to not dwell on this.

I would say that she didn't have a vaginal orgasm... she cheated on you for a reason obviously and she didn't have to tell you she had that kind of orgasm in my mind it sounds like she wanted to make you jealous or feel bad that you haven't pleased her like that... thats what I think.

Hello Confused,

My heart goes out to you... It really does. It doesn't sit well with me that first off she cheated but then mentioned about the plessures she endured from another man while she was married to you! I'm sorry, I know that I sound rude, I just don't believe in cheating and hurting those who don't deserve it..

However, I will answer your question from personal experience. I have had ogasms through sex, however, sometimes it does take more time than others, and, also, I don't have them every single time I make love. It's not anything that you are doing wrong.. For me, I can usually have a pretty intense orgasm if there is lots of kissing, touching, holding, and the whole bit before we start to make love. Im not saying that you aren't doing these things for her. It can be many reasons she's not able to orgasm. Just keep trying, and don't give up.

May I ask you something? Why would you want her back knowing that she cheated on you?

i would say that she didnt have a vaginal orgasm...she cheated on you for a reason obviously and she didnt have to tell you she had that kind of orgasm in my mind it sounds like she wanted to make you jealous or feel bad that you havent pleased her like that...thats what i think.


I don't know you may be right. But she did not bring it up I asked her. We were talking about the things they did together. She said they did not have oral sex. I knew she had never had a vaginal orgasm with me only through oral. So I asked if she was just having sex with him because she just liked having sex with him or if she had one with him. And she said she did. Not every time but a few.

If she was just trying to tell me she is not satisfied with our sex life she could have said that. She said she likes sex with me and its good. And what we do is satisfying. I always give her a orgasm through oral. She has told me she is not attracted to me any more and has not been for years. She never gets the feeling like she wants to make love to me. She was just doing it because she knew I needed it. And of course hid the affair.

So you may be right. She may not have had one. Or she may have. I can't really know for sure because she lied about the affair and her feelings for me. Just the way the conversation was I feel like she was telling the truth.

Hello again Confused,

Why would you even want to know what she did with him or to him? That's only going to drive you crazy. Also, if she mentioned that she is and has not been attracted to you anymore, why would you still be with her? Please answer?

It's one thing that you asked... I mean wow, that is an open mind.

It's another that she answered.

I am going to guess you are young, possibly even wrestled with the idea of an open marriage/relationship?

Hello Confused,

My heart goes out to you... It really does. It doesn't sit well with me that first off she cheated but then mentioned about the plessures she endured from another man while she was married to you! I'm sorry, I know that I sound rude, I just don't believe in cheating and hurting those who don't deserve it..

However, I will answer your question from personal experience. I have had ogasms through sex, however, sometimes it does take more time than others, and, also, I don't have them every single time I make love. It's not anything that you are doing wrong.. For me, I can usually have a pretty intense orgasm if there is lots of kissing, touching, holding, and the whole bit before we start to make love. Im not saying that you aren't doing these things for her. It can be many reasons why she's not able to orgasm. Just keep trying, and don't give up.

May I ask you something? Why would you want her back knowing that she cheated on you??


Well I guess there are many reasons I want to stay in our marriage. We have children and I believe I should try to repair our marriage and work on us if she is willing. I think divorce should be a last option. I don't want to put our kids through that if we can work things out. Also we have a good relationship in many ways. We get along very well; and love each other. I know her affair is not very loving and very disrespectful. She has many issues that she is working on and has never blamed me in any way for what she has done. She says I am a great husband treat her very well and a great father. She says it was her mistake and nothing I did or have done to push her to it. I am not perfect of course and I to am working on my issues and short comings. So I am willing to stay and giver her one last chance to work on us and get back to a healthy relationship. I see her trying very hard to work on us and her problems. If I did not see that I probably not stay. But I can see she wants this to work and is truly sorry for what she has done.

It's one thing that you asked... I mean wow, that is an open mind.

It's another that she answered.

I am going to guess you are young, possibly even wrestled with the idea of an open marriage/relationship?


No we are not young. I am 38 and she is 37. No we never talked about a open relationship. The closest we have ever come to that is early on in our marriage she said she wondered what it would be like to be with another woman. She said she would want me there and not do it behind my back but said she did not really wonder about it that much and never pursued it. It was one conversation and never went farther than that. I am not interested in a open relationship at all. The only person I want to have sex with is my wife. Sure I am attracted to other people that is human nature. But I would never act on it or try to seduce another woman.

Hello again Confused,

Fair enough, however, sometimes staying in a marriage where there is cheating can be more damaging to children then divorce...

You also say that you have a good relationship? Evidently not... if there is cheating going on. Also, you mentioned that she said you are a great Father/husband, then why cheat in the first place? I really do hope that she won't pull the same shenanigans, for your sake.. I wish you the best of luck...

Hello again Confused,

Why would you even want to know what she did with him or to him?? That's only going to drive you crazy. Also, if she mentioned that she is and has not been attracted to you anymore, why would you still be with her?? Please answer?


I don't really know why I wanted to know what they did together I just did. I am past that now and I don't talk to her about the affair or anything they did. I don't ask her any questions about that stuff any longer. When I asked it was just days after finding out and I was not thinking clearly and my head was just kind of crazy.

And as far as her being attracted to me that does hurt very much. But I guess I feel like she was attracted to me so why can't she be again. She is not good about talking about her feelings and putting things into words. She does not know why she is not attracted to me anymore but we are working on that. I mean is it crazy to feel like if she was attracted to me in the past she can be again? I just feel like there are underlying issues that is causing her to feel that way. She says she thinks I am good looking and all but the attraction she once felt is gone and she wants it back.

No we are not young. I am 38 and she is 37. No we never talked about a open relationship. The closest we have ever come to that is early on in our marriage she said she wondered what it would be like to be with another woman. She said she would want me there and not do it behind my back but said she did not really wonder about it that much and never pursued it. It was one conversation and never went farther than that. I am not interested in a open relationship at all. The only person I want to have sex with is my wife. Sure I am attracted to other people that is human nature. But I would never act on it or try to seduce another woman.

I find it so difficult to comprehend, your unconditional love of your wife, in wanting to work out the marriage, which is commendable. Yet, your unconditional love believed it appropriated to delve into all of the intermost details of the affair. Just seems off to me.

Either way, now you are left to hold the bag trying to compare to her ex-lover. Every lover is different, work with your skills and develop new ones. Communication and mental stimulation are the keys to a healthy and active sex life.

I find it so difficult to comprehend, your unconditional love of your wife, in wanting to work out the marriage, which is commendable. Yet, your unconditional love believed it appropriated to delve into all of the intermost details of the affair. Just seems off to me.

Either way, now you are left to hold the bag trying to compare to her ex-lover. Every lover is different, work with your skills and develop new ones. Communication and mental stimulation are the keys to a healthy and active sex life.


I try to do all those things. Try to flirt I try to get her into it with massages and effect ion. Lots of kissing. I make sure the house is clean and help out with the kids. I take as much pressure off her as I possibly can to make it easier for her to get in the mood and not have to think about outside issues.

But because she is not attracted to me I think it is hard for her to get into it. It's like she has to force herself to get into the mood with me. And because she was hiding that from me for years it made it worse. Now its out on the table and she does not have to lie or hide her feelings for me any more. We can have calm discussion about it and about what works and what doesn't. So we will see if it works.

Hello again confused,

You're right, your wife does have difficulty putting her feelings into word, just actions...

I am not here to judge you or her. I am going to share something with you that I don't really share with others, I too was cheated on by my husband,and when I found out about it and confronted him, he admitted to it. Then when I said, "We are over, and I want a divorce!" He punched me, YES! Punched me, twice in the head! As if it were my fault for breaking us.. I also have children. I am now divorced and the children and I are great! So, I tell you that no one deserves to be treated badly! 38 is still too young to be tolerating that!

However, I am getting off subject, you came on here for advice on how to please your wife. In which, you just have to keep trying. Different positions, more foreplay, things of that sort. I wish you luck..

I think that it's wonderful you've both decided to work on your marriage. It's going to be hard, but it's great that you both have the wherewithal to try.

However, you need to put thoughts of her 'illicit' sexual activities out of your mind. I can understand why you asked her about the sex she had during her affair but, as you can see, the thoughts are now stuck in your mind, and you've come on to this forum to ask about them.

The reason for her vaginal orgasms is probably simple - she was a having an affair and her thoughts were focused on sex. I'll bet when she's having sex with you her thoughts are focused on the chores that need to be done, the noises outside, whatever.

Your biggest issue now is to reestablish some sort of sexual and emotional connection between you and your wife. She needs, also, to regain your trust and deal with her guilt which may take some time. You both have to learn to like each other again and this means devoting time to each other beyond the bedroom.

Counseling, counseling, counseling.

Well I can only say Good Luck, you sound like a nice guy who deserves better, but love is a blinding thing.

The extra thrill for her may have been the thrill of being bad. Only communication can help get to the root, but if she can't appreciate what she has, you have to be willing to walk away. Becoming a doormat, is not going to make you more attractive in her eyes.

You may need to consider counseling. Attraction sounds like an excuse for her behavior.

Hello again confused,

You're right, your wife does have difficulty putting her feelings into word, just actions...

I am not here to judge you or her. I am going to share something with you that I don't really share with others, I too was cheated on by my husband,and when I found out about it and confronted him, he admitted to it. Then when I said, "We are over, and I want a divorce!" He punched me, YES! punched me, twice in the head!! As if it were my fault for breaking us.. I also have children. I am now divorced and the children and I are great!! So, I tell you that no one deserves to be treated badly! 38 is still too young to be tolerating that!

However, I am getting off subject, you came on here for advice on how to please your wife. Inwhich, you just have to keep trying. Different positions, more foreplay, things of that sort. I wish you luck..


And the other side of that is that when I cheated on my husband (look up previous posts if you want the whole damned story... I'm tired of typing it out), we cried, we yelled, he forgave me, and we're still together 10 years later, with a better relationship than we'd had--one that has better communication, better trust, and more openness than our previous relationship.

Do not relegate ALL cheaters to the same lowest common denominators. It took me YEARS to truly understand why I cheated.

Confused: Take your wife and get into marriage counseling. If communication is that hard between the two of you, and she has problems expressing herself, that's NOT going to get better without professional intervention, and you're not going to be able to fix ANY of the problems in your marriage.

Hello again confused,

You're right, your wife does have difficulty putting her feelings into word, just actions...

I am not here to judge you or her. I am going to share something with you that I don't really share with others, I too was cheated on by my husband,and when I found out about it and confronted him, he admitted to it. Then when I said, "We are over, and I want a divorce!" He punched me, YES! punched me, twice in the head!! As if it were my fault for breaking us.. I also have children. I am now divorced and the children and I are great!! So, I tell you that no one deserves to be treated badly! 38 is still too young to be tolerating that!

However, I am getting off subject, you came on here for advice on how to please your wife. Inwhich, you just have to keep trying. Different positions, more foreplay, things of that sort. I wish you luck..

Wow I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. That is a awful story and you did not deserve that. I know I don't deserve to be treated the way I have been as well. I am not afraid of getting a divorce and if it comes to that okay. I will deal with it and continue to be the best father I can be. I just value my vows and feel like I need to be the bigger person and forgive her and put all I can into repairing our marriage. It sounds like you didn't have that option even if you wanted to. She is willing to work on it so I am willing to as well. If it does not work I will walk and take with me the knowledge that I did absolutely everything in my power to make it work. Not only for the kids but for us as well. I am not being a door mat and we are in counseling to answer some of the questions by other posters. We do have a long hard road a head of us.

Hello Again,

Synnen: To each is own... You and your husband found your way, and that's good for you. Not everyone can work it out, so that's great that you were able to.

It was the BLOW to my head that sealed the deal! Sure, most peoples thoughts are to leave or say the D word. Some do work it out, and some don't. It's all in what people are willing to try. I just don't want Confused to try and put himself out there if his wife is completely throughwith this marriage.. I don't know if she is or not, I'm not her or friends with her. So I have no idea how she feels. I am not saying that all cheaters are in the same category, I just think that Confused seems like he is trying to do all that he can and give her the benefit of the doubt, and she's not really responsive to it.

Confused, you have to do what is best for you and YOUR family.. The bottom line is that it's not really about us, is it? It's about you... I wish you the best of luck.