Hey people,

I’m going through the dreaded ‘relationship limbo’/‘need some space’ and wanted some advice.

We were together for just over 3 years and lived together for the last 2.5 years. We were best friends, really compatible, thought we were soul mates, really attracted to each other and made each other laugh all the time.

She had some health and also personal issues which I helped her with, was there for her, supported her financially and was working hard for our future.

Anyway, two weeks ago she asked for some space and moved back in with her parents - saying she loved me but wasn’t sure if she was in love with me any more and was feeling confused.

So what lead her to this decision? OK. Well, I had neglected her over the last 12 months working 2 jobs (7 days) and going to the gym 3-4 times a week. I was working for our future, but I took her for granted and would spend hardly any quality time with her, cancel our nights out, because I was just too tired and even if we were just watching a dvd would still be working on my laptop. On top of that I became a bit arrogant and egotistical sometimes and I know that was wrong and neglecting her was wrong but working the jobs was unavoidable as I transitioned between careers.

Anyway, now I’ve quit one of my jobs (she knew I was due to quit it at Christmas), so will have more time and was actually planning on asking her to marry me this Christmas (which I have since told her). Now one sticking point was that she lived with me and my brother (who shared a house) and this caused a lot of problems as she couldn’t decorate as she wanted, they didn’t get on etc, it never felt like her house, it wasn’t easy to have friends round when she wanted and as she originally lived quite far away they’d have to stay over and we just didn’t have the space.

Since she left we have met a few times and she said she wants to take things slow. Start dating again and see what happens, but since then she has been blowing hot and cold, sending me mixed messages.

For instance, I went round Christmas day night to exchange presents and she was all over me (kissing etc) but since then has been quite cold.

I’ve told her that I’m toning down the work, gym and would love to get our own place together, plus told her I was going to ask her to marry me on Christmas day, so she knows exactly where I’m at.

Now the above weren’t acts of desperation and if she had stuck around for a little longer she would have seen my reduced work load, proposal of marriage and I know I would have had more time to spend with her - which I did miss a lot, but she still went.

The problem now is that I’ve initiated no contact to give her space and she has been texting and calling, but she has since told me she’s looking at getting a place with one of her girlfriends.

Now partly this is because she plain doesn’t get on with her mum and dad and is crammed in a box room, but it just seems like a little soon to be planning such things (two weeks).

Am I over reacting in getting upset about this (not that I’ve told her or shown her) but if she saw a future with me, surely she wouldn’t be thinking about doing that, seeing as I can now afford to get our own place and support us (she is at uni and only works part time).

I’ve read loads on the internet about putting a brave face on things as looking needy and depressed is just unattractive (I've already done the crying and begging) and I am giving her space, but I’m in limbo and need your opinion on what I should do as I know there are lots of you on here in similar situations to me.

Am I doing the right thing in going through the very difficult NC (only speaking to her only when she initates it) and start dating her again? Is there anything else I can do?

Thank you

How old are you, and what does she do with all that time she had, when you were working?

I am 25 she is 22. She would sometimes see friends and family, but mainly split time between going to the gym (3 times a week), work herself (3 days a week), uni, stay at home reading and watching TV etc.

It may just be too late, at times we burn those bridges, and see the issue way to late.

A couple living with other people in the house is almost always a time bomb waiting, so what is your plans if she comes back to be just you and her in a home of your own.

What is your plan on not neglecting her in the future ?

She wants that same attention she had when you dated her, and most likely is cold if she feels you are falling back into the wrong life style again

The plan in the medium term would be to sell my house I bought with my brother (he wasn't happy either living with us but we needed to do it for various reasons) as he really wants to move closer to his work. Short term that would mean I would get an apartment somewhere with her and continue to pay my mortgage too, which I can afford.

My brother is happy with that situation and understands that if we get back together I will be looking at selling the house later this year.

I am workaholic and I think she thinks I am saying such things about changing to get her back, but I really can't work 7 days a week anymore! I did used to miss spending time with her but I needed to work all the extra hours to transition between careers.

Ultimately though I had no social life, no family life and it was making me ill!! So it had to change eventually and it was slowly.

I plan on spending the extra time visiting places, dating, going to the cinema etc etc with her like we used to in the old days. She's my best friend as well as the love of my life and I do want to spend that extra time with her now I can.

She has said she missed those days and I'm hoping I can prove to her that I'm still that person, but I just got distracted and drunk on my career and making money for a while. :(

She had some health and also personal issues which I helped her with, was there for her, supported her financially and was working hard for our future.


That wasn't enough?! I would have thought after all this time she would have supported you through this last year.


I was working for our future, but working the jobs was unavoidable as I transitioned between careers

She couldn't handle the tough times huh!

I'm hoping I can prove to her that I'm still that person, but I just got distracted and drunk on my career and making money for a while. :(
As you say, unavoidable. Been there, done that, and I am no workaholic, but careers are the life blood for financial stability. So while you beat yourself up out of guilt, don't forget her actions while you could have used some support when you needed it.

I think you could use the time alone to evaluate what really was going on while she was having a lack of attention lapse.

Just me, when I am doing what I got to do for us both, I expect my partner to be helping and not running away, when it gets tough. When we get through it together, we can celebrate together. The point is we deal with it together.

So when is her vacation over?

Thanks for the replies so far :)

Talaniman - I have been thinking exactly that, so thanks for backing me up. She has like another 18 months on this course and than another year for another qualification after that, so I really had to do what I had to do for our future.

I'm not going to go into her problems but they were re-occuring since day one and was also punctuated with a couple of big personal issues, which crushed her -which I was always there for.

I on the other hand have been lucky enough to sail through the last 3 years without any problems or personal issues, so yeah the one time I need support and she bolts! It's not good really is it?

At the end of the day she know's I love her, knows that I'm going to have more free time, knows we can have an apartment together and knows I still want to spend the rest of my life with her - so that's why I feel used and in limbo?

Parts of me think that she knows all of this and thinks she can come back at anytime, but it won't always be like that. I can't wait or feel in limbo forever.

She might be looking at getting a place with her friend but she can't really afford it, unless she works more and that will sacrifice her grades which is the last thing she want's in life as it means so much to her and she needs really high grades to get on the course she wants in a few years.

I don't know? It's not easy as I feel like I should respect her space and let her taste life without me, but then I also think why wait - she know's where I'm at and what I want to do - so take it or leave it?

It's funny, she has said she's really enjoying spending time with her friends, as she hasn't seen much of the over the last year because everyone has been so busy (her, them etc), but where were they when she needed support? Answer - no where to be seen, it was just me that was it. They just didn't seem that bothered.

I think I'm going to just hang on. It's been easy for her over christmas as friends/family have been off work, having christmas/new year parties and a lot more open to supporting her. Now everyone is back at work, she is back at uni and the world gets back to its normal routine, I think/hope she'll be in thinking about us.

I realise that isn't the best way to look at it, but like you said it does seem like a vaction doesn't it? :) It's not obviously but I can't believe she's willing to throw it all away, as I did so much for her.

Oh well, time will tell I guess? :)

I just read back through my last post and to clarify I was never controlling or jealous of her going out, spending time with her friends or anything.

I encouraged it as it made her happy, so don't think that I couped her up, as I didn't. Yes, it was difficult for her to see her friends because of the distance (none of them drive!) and conflicting schedules, but it was as much their fault that she didn't see them as it was her's.

You have a right to your own life so move on from the limbo into you doing your own thing and getting on with your life-dont hang on waiting for somebody else to make your mind up for you.
As you said she knows what you want,but she's not knocking on your door wanting to sort things out,is she?
I would advice you to go NC proper,I e don't respond to her contacting you either.
Sorry to be harsh,but you are letting her call all the shots here and that is not fair on you.

If you read other threads here, it seems that the 2nd, and 3rd years become very critical in deciding if a relationship will succeed or not. I think most fail when for whatever reasons, one partner, or the other has a change of feelings, or the lack of communications have made things difficult, and not been developed enough. Maybe both things have happened here, and while your path is clear, hers may not be. She is still finding a path to what she wants, and may be a bit overwhelmed.

I also think you needed this break more than she did, just to regroup, and adjust. That often happens during times of change, and completing/accomplishing long term goals.

You seem to still have things to do, but consider, some times you have to step back, and let people make up their own minds, as to what they want, and how they want to do it, without your influence.

Your not responsible for her success, or happiness, she is, so she has choices to make on her own, for herself, and you have to let her do it. Maybe she felt taken for granted, I don't know, but what she does about it, is her choice.

Having said all that, it all comes down to being able to work together through honest communications, to resolve your issues, and keep this wagon moving. Unless that happens, some one moves on, and some one gets left behind.

For sure she is not ready for marriage, be very aware of that, also be aware she wants something more than she has, and also be very aware she wants out of her parents house, so let her try her luck with her friend.

For now you still have enough to do, and whatever she wants, she does have to carry her own weight, and bring as much to the table as you are.

You need a good partner to work with, and not dead weight you have to drag along, and entertain to boot, no matter what her issues are.

Take your own sweet time to regroup, and adjust. What's the hurry?? She is still growing, and learning, but there is still a lot to do, and she may not be able to help, so make sure she doesn't hinder you either, so forget that limbo stuff, and do what you have to do.

Thanks for the replies guys, it's helping me out a lot. Let me read through what you've wrote and I'll reply.

amicon - I agree, she is calling the shots and has me by the balls and that's about to change.

I'm already NC but I'm going to leave her to it and see what she says or does over the next 2 weeks. Then after that if she wants to start dating again (say once a week), we can go from there, if not she has a week to get the rest of her stuff out of my house and I'll go NC proper and begin to move on.

Talaniman Rule- Don't consider dating someone who dumps you.

Why??

talaniman - I think you're right, she is using this time to think about everything, as being with someone 24/7 is difficult when you're thinking about the future. I agree that I needed this break too and have used it to really think in depth about our relationship, what I did and what I actually want.

I don't think she needs me pestering her, begging her and such to make a decision that she needs to make for herself without my influence.

She has told me that I took her for granted and I did. I didn't think she would go (being an idiot) and maybe that's why it's hit me so hard - but she has left and I have to let her decide what she wants to do.

Like I said above, I'm going to leave her too it and after 2 weeks I'll sit down with her and see where she wants to go with our relationship. I'm happy to start dating again and I think she is too, to see how it goes, but I can't wait forever and if she is still leaving me hanging, I'll have to go NC proper, ask her to take the rest of her stuff out of my house and begin to move on.

What else can I do? Nothing really.

I'm happy for her to try her luck moving in with her friend (who has never lived on her own before), as she needs to do what makes her happy and she needs to make her own mistakes. She really can't afford it (nor can her friend), but she has to see that for herself.

Having said that I don't want her to come back for financial reasons (and she won't as she's too proud) but because she wants to be with me.

Thanks again for the great insight and advice. I will regroup and look at moving out of limbo over the next few weeks.

Great advice so far guys, any other thoughts on my situation?

Hey in a nut shell you messed up.. That happened to me, I was taken for granted, I dumped the guy by saying lets have some space, and met the husband I am with now. You gave her a taste of a future where she was going to be ignored. You chose the gym and put her last in everything, because you assumed she would be there always, Now how do you fix it. Pray that she has not met someone else that she is not telling you about, otherwise it will be hard to get her back. That's what happened with me. After I decided to get some space, I only called him when I felt like it. Now what you have to do is apologize for the past, promise the future won't be like that and lay he romance on think. Flowers, candy, serenades, and a proposal. But he key is to let her know that I screwed up, and this is my last effort to make it right. If you choose not to move forward without me, I will be hurt bu ti will understand. Let her know that she is the one that you choose to be with, but if that is not possible, you need to know before you move on to other options. Now the key is that she knows that you are pining for her.. the moment she realizes that you are about to move on, she will want you back, if she has not met someone new. No matter how much it hurts you have to give her that ultimatum in the fashion I described above, and then pretend to move on. You may be with no on, but after she makes her self clear of what she wants, and it still includes not being with you, then don't be available for her phones calls all the time. Make her wait an hour or so or even a day before you call her back. Woman want a man back when she realizes that she is about to lose him to someone else. Rent the movie "Two can play that game" and you will see what I am talking about. That movie will enlighten you as to what to do to win her back if she is not too far gone. Even though you messed up, you can't chase her forever. A woman that wants you will call you when she realizes she may lose you completely. A woman that know she has you by her finger will make you suffer and continue to chase her.