I just wondered if you could give me some advice on my break-up please? Any comments or ideas would be greatly appreciated! (sorry it's a bit long)

So here it is -

My ex boyfriend and I broke up 11 weeks ago. He is 27 and I am 28. We started having a long distance relationship where we saw each other every weekend - he was very keen and came back to see me every weekend (he was living in London, and I was living in a town 2 hours away which is his home-town as well). After about 8 months, I was tired of doing long distance so I found a job in London and we moved in together. It was great and a little hard as I was away from my friends and family, but I was happy with him so it was fine. A year into the relationship he was talking about marriage and about him wanting to find a career in which he'd be able to support me when we had children - all this was music to my ears!

After another 6 months, we moved into a tiny studio flat which had no room at all and his careers ideas kept changing. One minute he wanted to study Law & get a career to support me when we had a family, then he dropped that idea and started thinking about Medicine as a career (he's very clever but doesn't know what to do with his life). I was getting a little frustrated as he was starting a science course and I was doing a job which I really hated, still had no friends in london and was missing all my friends and family at home in bournemouth. To top it all off, when I asked him if he still saw us having a future, he couldn't answer me. This upset me and I started to worry that we didn't want the same things any more.

Then one night, he broke down crying saying although he really loved me, he couldn't see us having a future together. He made lots of excuses and I actually reasoned with him that these reasons were silly as we were happy with each other and loved each other. We decided not to break up but he said that he didn't know what men did in this situation and when I asked what he meant, he said his dad had affairs! So then he said he looked at other women and was wanting to have sex with them even though he loved me. We let things settle for a couple of days, but then on his birthday of all days, I said I needed to know if he felt it was worth talking through these thoughts he was having and trying to work it out and he said no! He said he wasn't ready to settle down and he thought if we stayed together he would eventually cheat on me! I couldn't believe it and I said, 'so you are telling me this but you love me?' and he said, 'you should know I do by now'. So we broke up, and when I said goodbye to him I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too. I really believe he did love me as well.

I moved out immediately and picked my things up while he was at work. He had thrown lots of my belongings in a cupboard including my pillow and the sheets we'd slept on and my hairdryer etc - it looked as if he felt I'd wronged him in some way which I really hadn't!
I moved back to my home town, left my job in London and had to start again from scratch.

He hasn't spoken to me since and I miss him and love him so much! I really thought he was "the one". I feel as though I ruined it with my questions about the future and I was pretty unhappy living in london away from my friends and family. I relied on him for everything which I think put the pressure on us and that combined with his lack of direction didn't help. I just thought we'd get through anything if we loved each other but I guess he really just thought he'd cheat - his dad had lots of affairs which maybe affected him. I don't know!

Any insight into what he might be thinking or what I need to do to move on would help a lot! I've had no real closure as he said he loved me. The 'no contact' has been awful because he must realise my life has changed completely and he didn't even bother to check I'm all right and coping - I really thought he loved me. I just don't get it!

You did the right thing leaving him. You two want different things. I think he does love you, but is not "in" love with you. He's just not ready for a commitment with you or with anyone else at this time.

I know it hurts and is unfair. Right now it's important to take some personal quiet time to reflect, but not to the point where it's going to debilitate you. Start by surrounding yourself with the people who do love you for you, your friends and family and be in a positive healthy environment.

You are going to be okay, you are a survivor and a strong woman. There is a great big beautiful world out there and within time, Mr. Wonderful will walk around the corner and he'll be thankful that you left him. Rest easy, it's going to be okay - take one day at a time.

It's OK to be hurt, but in the long run you are so better off without him. He was warning you he would follow in his father's footsteps and cheat. Believe me, this is a blessing you found out before you were married to this man. Down the road, you will be happy you aren't with this man. You would be getting hurt by his unfaithfulness which he would have done. His true colors came out now, lucky for you that this happened now. Don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. Concentrate on you!

Thank you for your messages. I know I am going to be better off in the long run. It's just hard to see it at the moment. I was so happy to have found someone to be with but I have to remember that I will hopefully find that with someone else one day and it will be even better! I am definitely concentrating on me which I haven't done for a long time. I guess he didn't love me enough or wasn't in love with me. I feel as though he has become this completely different person to me now. I don't think he'll ever speak to me again and I know I won't contact him.

I think that someday you will realize that his honesty has saved you a lot of heartache.

Whether he followed in his dad's footsteps isn't the problem so much as he wants his freedom.

How I wish more people would be honest about their wants and needs before they do tie the knot, have babies and mortgage payments.

Yeah I'm sure you are right. I can see that it could have been a lot worse later down the line. I am just sad that that is what he wanted instead of me. But that's just life! I agree, honesty saves a lot of heartache. This has been bad enough as it is - it's the first heartbreak I have felt and it's truly horrible!

Yes it hurts-we've all been there-it does get better though and you will heal from this.
Stay as busy as you can and be around people who care for you.
One day at the time and someday soon there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
Take care.

Thanks. Yeah I can feel myself healing very slowly. I am a lot stronger compared to when it first happened. I love him and miss him but I know that will fade one day...

Doing your own thing, that you enjoy will help it fade faster.

I am - I have a new job starting next week and I am volunteering with people who have suffered strokes. I am applying to go back to university in September as well. All things I couldn't do when I was living with him! I am seeing my friends and family who I hadn't seen properly for months too. So yeah that's all helping too :)

You're getting your life back on track-well done and this will help you get over him properly. Volunteering's a great thing and going back to uni sounds great.
Take care.

Good for you! Glad to hear you got yourself back on the right track. It's his loss, remember that. There is someone out there, when you least expect it, will be the love of your life. Good luck.

Thanks! Yeah I am proud of myself, I feel like I gave up a hell of a lot to be with that man and he really wasn't worth it! I know I am doing the right thing and I will get through this :)

Here's wishing you a happy fullfilling life!

Just found out that my ex has emailed my best friend to see how I am. He said that he knows he has to leave me to get on with my life but he wanted to know if I am OK. Apparently he said if I had had anything like the terrible xmas and new year he had, he wanted to see how I am doing. I have asked my friend to just tell him I am OK as far as she knows, I have decided that I don't want him to know what I am up to. After almost 12 weeks of NC, I feel like his conscience has caught up with him and he is trying to ease it. Also if he has had such a crap time, doesn't that tell him something!?

It't none of his business anymore,so he should stay out of it. He chose to do what he did and he deserves no updates on your wellbeing.
As for his awful Christmas,I find it low to try to get that 'poorme'attitude across.

You're much better off without him.

Oh, hun. I'm so sorry. In one respect, he did the best thing for you; but, on the other hand, your heart is broken.

Let me explain that "best thing for you" bit: imagine that he hadn't told you of his feelings, but had kept his wandering eyes a secret. You got engaged and planned the most beautiful wedding in history. You married, had a kid, and settled down into a nice pattern - he worked, you stayed home with the baby. But, one day, you find out from a friend that he has cheated on you with some floozy from down the road. Your world comes crashing down and you realize that you're married to someone who doesn't value the commitment of marriage/relationship/love. Someone who has broken your heart and left you with a child to raise and your own way to make an income.

I hate to say all of that, but honestly, he was honest with you and told you of his character flaw. He gave you the choice of whether you could have a relationship with someone not as committed to the partnership as you are. He showed you what he was and you had the choice to live with it, or find something else. That was the best thing he could have done for you. Mind you, he probably wasn't thinking of it that way, but in retrospect, this was a blessing in disguise.

You deserve a man that loves you and you alone. Someone who only has eyes for you and wants to make a life with you - YOU, not with you PLUS.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this around the holidays, but what a great way to start a brand new year, but with a fresh start, countless possibilities, and a new job.

I wish you the best of luck. You did the right thing.

Amicon - too right, he doesn't deserve to know anything about me now! It's his loss! Can't believe he's got the nerve to say that to my friend, as if she'd feel sorry for him!

HistorianChick - yeah you're so right, things could have gotten a lot worse.

I am sad to not be with the man I fell in love with but he is not the same person to me any more and I know I am well rid in the long run!

Thank you for your comments :)

So... I have now found out that my friend replied to my ex just saying that I am OK as far as she knows but that he really should contact me himself if he wants to know about me.

He said that he hasn't contacted me as he is feeling crap and it would only be for his own benefit as he still loves me! He must realise she would tell me this! What is he thinking!

He's trying to get back in your life because he can't deal with losing. You are a prize to him; he lost it, now he wants it back.

Are you a prize to win in a game, or are you a woman with feelings and desires for a real, committed relationship?

Yes, I am a woman with feelings and desires for a real, committed relationship!

I just don't understand him, what's wrong with people!

I'm tellin' you... he's a jerk. He probably knows that he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him... and he can't stand it.

I still stand behind my original opinion and advice - you did the right thing.

Tell your girlfriend that she doesn't need to be passing along information from him to you. That's not what good girl friends do... your girls should have your back...

Yeah it sounds like he's realising his mistake! Well yes, it's his own fault!

I have told her - she won't speak to him about it again. She is furious with him! Hehe!

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it :)

I can only add-he's the one who threw a good thing away-so he's just going to have to live with it!

Yep, I just don't understand how he couldn't see how great I am until he threw me away! I am a nice person!

Because he's a jerk. He wasn't interested in your sustaining a committed relationship with an awesome woman; he was interested in only satisfying his desires.

Men like that are jerks. Sadly, us "good ones" fall for them, get our heart broken, and move on.

Learn from this. Don't dwell on it. You're an awesome catch - some guy will be lucky to have a relationship with you! :)

Probably because he's an emotional incompetent-just don't worry about it-move forward with your new life.

Threads merged

Feeling low today. Anyone who has read my previous threads will know how well I have been doing and have kept up NC completely since the break up. It'll be four months since he ended things and despite telling a friend of mine just over a month ago that he still loves me, he hasn't once contacted me.

I know I have to move on and I am slowly, but I just can't understand how someone can say they love you and not want anything to do with you. I guess he is trying to heal himself, it just feels so cruel and selfish. He knows how much he upset my life when we broke up (I had to move back home and quit my job etc) and I had to start again and he hasn't once checked in to see how I have been getting on despite telling me he loved me and saying it wouldn't be the last time I saw him.

I admit, the contact he made with my friend made me hope he'd call me directly which I know was stupid but I couldn't help it. I guess he has shown his true colours but it hurts so much.

I just have to keep telling myself that I miss the man I fell in love with, not the man he became when he broke my heart :(

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/joys-being-single-335663.html

This is an old thread above,but I was reading it earlier and thought about how some people newly out of a relationship might forget what's to come after following nc for a while.

Its OK,to feel lonely,but its not OK to let it take you over.

Have a read and I hope it helps.

There is some great wisdom in that thread,you may be able to add some of your own.

People show us who they are by their actions, not by their words.
It takes time to really get to know someone,and in this case,you have made the sad discovery that he wasn't the man you thought he was.

Stick to your NC,it will get better day by day.

I think you are doing great!! Don't let this dumb holiday , time of year get you down!

We all get triggered around holidays, or things that make us think of the past, and what we had, and lost. That's normal, as we all can have bad days for no reason, just feel bad.

The good news is, if you let it, it will pass. The thing to remember is to never act on those feelings from the past, and do something impulsive, that will make future days even worse.

You know what's funny is that when I suggest retail therapy, females forget everything, and run for a sale.

That's my advice this morning to you. Catch a sale, and forget the ex.

Thanks for your positive comments everyone. I will stay strong.

I am sad that he has shown his true colours but I guess it is best I found out now than wasted any more time with him.

Yes, I will go shopping and I've just made a big chocolate cake which I am going to tuck into with a cup of tea! Stuff him! Hehe!

I will eat some of that chocolate cake!

Good on you!
Enjoy your cake!

Hey everyone,

So another month has gone by and I am here again. I am doing brilliantly, have been accepted into university (as a mature student eek!) to do speech and language therapy in September and really am getting so much from doing things for me and looking to the future.

However, every day I catch myself thinking about my ex and wondering what he is doing and if he has moved on. I still dream about him most nights too. Now, I don't particularly want to get back with him, I can't see how it would work now anyway and I can see that our lives are going in very different directions. However, I feel like I want to reach out and tell him about all these wonderful things I am doing and show him that I am moving on. I also wonder that if I hear that he has moved on, it will be what I need to hear to stop all the thinking and wondering.

I am strong and am fine staying in no contact but I just wonder if I need to write to him, to stop all this wondering and show him how well I am doing.

Is it normal to want to do this and is it a bad idea?

Any opinions and advice please! :)

It is very normal. My ex broke up with me in October and I sometimes wish she can know how good I am doing. But really think about it. If we are doing sooo good, then why waste our precious time writing them? Doesn't sound too good nor convincing.
I know how you feel because I also signed up for college courses and am currently attending. It helps so much. I am beginning to meet new people and I just do everything possible that's entertaining. With spring around the corner, I play a lot of basketball. Don't worry about writing a letter. Maybe write it and then burn it. Like you my ex hasn't called either. It's so strange because she always was on top of me and calling and one day to the next she was gone. She pulled that twice on me. So my advice is don't look back. If it didn't work the first time, it won't work the next time. I'm glad you are taking control of your life. It's never too late. I'm very happy because I got a 101 on my first Accounting exam! I like studying now. I still squeeze time for the gym. Good luck and you will be fine. Take care! Keep us updated!

Its normal to have the feelings, but acting on them is another story. Don't, just stay on your path and keep accomplishing your goals. I am proud you have moved down the road so well.

Be really proud of yourself,you are doing so well!

Don't get in touch with the ex though,you don't need to tell him anything anymore.

Has he moved on?
It doesn't really matter,does it?

You have and that's great.

Sounds as though you are a very strong woman! Don't take him back! You deserve better! I admire what you are doing!

Thanks so much for all your positive comments everyone. I will stay strong, I just miss him. It's so annoying. I'll write the letter and then get rid of it. I have to keep reminding myself that HE bailed on us because he wanted to sleep with other people! Why would I even want to associate with someone someone so shallow and cold!

Exactly-why on earth would you?

Write the letter to get things off your chest,then shred it and flush it down the loo.

Good luck.

He's the one who is losing out! I doubt if he thinks that now, but when you are finally over him, you will meet the right one. Give yourself time.