I've been asked to post this onto my own thread, so here it is!

What I'm struggling with right now. As the dumpee (as I am) you're the ones who are advised to resist contact in order to move on with your life, concentrate on improving yourself, occupying your time and making yourself healthy, attractive and a better proposition to attract future partners to be able to look back and think "I don't need that person anyway, I'm happy for them and wish them well but it wasn't meant to work out and these things happen". Right? Well, having had 3 break ups myself (obviously none are the same but essentially involve the same feelings of emotional loss) I'm still no closer to understanding the contact/no contact issue. Perhaps I'm making more of a gender issue here than I should but does it take a 'man' or a 'bigger person' to stand up and wish your ex well, stay in contact with the possibility of being friends or does it take a 'man' or 'bigger person' to avoid all contact, thus letting the dumper know that you've disappeared off the emotional radar and are moving on. Can you do both?

Everyone is different in how they react to these things, but how does the dumper feel? It's been suggested on one internet site that the dumper doesn't feel much loss other than the regret at having had to make the decision, and if the dumpee maintains strict NC they can even begin to feel some delayed feelings of regret over their decision. Others I've heard of suggest the dumpee is emotionally stable enough to stay in contact, improve themselves etc thus having the same effect on the dumper. Does the dumper wonder whether their newly ex'd will contact them, want to be friends? Does the NC from the dumpee cause them heartache or worry like the act of dumping has done to the dumpee? Is it really that important to dumpee that the dumpee isn't hurt, wants to remain in contact and does so, or is it just a speech at the point of pulling cord in order to make them feel better at having made their decision? My feelings are that they are like 'Well it would be nice if we stayed in contact/friends but it isn't really of my immediate concern' as they are already more advanced in moving on and just want to continue to do so without the worry of having to stay in a dud relationship. I'd like to hear others thoughts on this.

I've heard numerous tales from sympathetic people recently who have either stayed in contact or not with ex's - it's all down to the individuals and the circumstances that they break up in. In my case, I didn't see it coming until it did, both of us were avoiding the truth for fear of something (probably losing one another, I don't know hers, but that was certainly mine) and eventually she made up her mind, considered her reasons and pulled the cord. Almost immediately afterwards she expressed some degree of worry,as I was upset, that I wouldn't be able to stay friends with her and started trying to amend the situation rather than the decision she'd made. And yet at the same time, pre decision, she made every reason not to see me, contact me, e.g. filling up her time with her own plans etc which I found hurtful in itself. During our 'time apart' phase of 2 months she probably contacted me less than half a dozen times and understandably I began to feel strung along when she didn't break it off and looking back if I had had the guts to I ought to have done so myself sooner. It's difficult.

I'm not sure what my point here is, and I WILL crack on with my life in the new year, but seeing this post has just brought fwd some of the heaps and heaps of questions going through my head at the moment!

As you say yourself there are no absolutes,only individuals. Mostly I would say the dumper has been dealing with their issues for quite some time before breaking up so probably finds it easier to move on and may or may not worry about the person they leave behind. Then again some dumpers suffer heartbreak as well-mourning the loss of a relationship that wasn't meant to be. By going NC asap many people find it easier to move on as the emotional confusion is lessened. There is no real answer nor an absolute truth,only the best way we can handle ourselves with dignity and selfrespect.

Thanks Amicon. Well, my ex has just texted a friendly text re the new year and I couldn't help myself but read it. Whoops. Now wondering what to do. Isn't it amazing how these things can reduce your confidence to the size of a gnat and make such a simple message inconceivably hard..

See it as if you were bitten by a gnat-just don't scratch the bite-put some ointment on it!

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, have the common sense to disappear from their lives, and do your own thing.

At least you keep your dignity, and self respect.

Hi again

Well, reading another very long thread my hurtnconfused (or is it lostnsad, has made me realise that although no less of the pain and initial confusion, having been through this before has helped in a delayed sort of way.

I've lost the element of friendship before, probably in a bigger way, when my first love pulled the cord after a two year relationship (this is nearly ten years ago now) so that experience has helped me with NC. The difference then to now was that I never felt I really learnt from the experience (& another soon afterwards where the same happened on a smaller scale) due to completely going off on a separate page of life to my then ex - as things remain to this day, although she is now my friend on Facebook and is engaged to be married to someone else. I look at her photos now and think to myself 'What was I thinking? She's not even attractive! ' Looks aren't everything, but there's so much out there.

With my 2nd break up my then ex went from our relationship into another with someone I believe, then another with whom she has now had her second child with. She mentioned children to me early on in our relationship and although she never pushed me to have them with her it was obvious that this was what she wanted. This tells me that the relationship was a 'passing ship' in my life and she moved on to what she wanted with someone else. Yes, it is still a kick in the nuts at the time though.

Moving to my more recent experience, it's nice that my ex still cares I'll be honest. Receiving the odd text from her asking if I'm OK has actually helped me clarify in my own mind how things didn't work out and why, and that things will move on too one day. It has actually helped lessened the confusion, but not yet the pain and memories. By contacting her frequently during the final stages of the relationship, no matter how nice I thought the contact was, I was actually not listening to her, validating her reasons for not wanting to be with me anymore and even becoming like the bad guy? NC might have just evened up the balance now I hope so perhaps both parties can move on.

So, again, I guess I'm looking to just share my feelings right now - any comments are welcome, and I will continue to look after myself by not making any contact. I made most of the running during the couple phase so if friendship is that important to her, then it's up to her to make the running, so to speak, and perhaps this gives hope that we can both find that friendship with someone else.

With every one of the girls I have dated, and then broke up with. I've cut ties with them, at first I held on. My first real relationship, I tried the usual crap. Beg them to stay, followed by telling them what they wanted to hear and writing e-mails and love notes which didn't result in anything. After I moved on she came back, so after the final time. I cut ties from the start, didn't talk to her for over 4 years! Didn't feel the need to. My next serious relationship, it's on here about what happened. I got off myspace, deleted her number, e-mail, cut ties with everyone she knew of mine. I went 5 months before we spoke(we worked together so it made it awkward at first but I got used to it) we still talk, but not regularly, more like only in passing. People tell me she has done everything to look more like my present fiancé, down to the way she dyes her hair now. I simply don't care.

No contact is hard, and when your break up is fresh, you are going to look for reasons you should keep in contact. To answer your first part, I never once wished my ex well after we broke up. I wished myself to move on better, I didn't care how she felt or if she was doing okay. I worry about myself first

Ok. The message there appears to be I need to get me a dose of self-esteem. And you're right.

Making sure that you yourself keep yourself as happy and contented as possible should be your priority now-which is one of the reasons NC works as all the ,as Talaniman calls it,emotional dust will settle and you'll get your head and your heart in sync.

Once you've recovered from your break ups, you will be in a better position to figure out the next step.

Trying to stay friends with an ex can be difficult because old feelings can resurface and it seems unfair to your new significant other.

I think that staying in contact with an ex is easier when both of you are on the same page. But rarely does this occur in the early stages because one of the two people involved might still have false hope.

Focus on doing things for yourself. Maybe one day you can reconnect with your ex, but there's no reason to rush it or to break NC when you're still healing and risk resetting the progress you've made.