So I've been with my boyfriend for some time now and when I first met him I knew he smoked weed but it wasn't until we actually started dating that I realized he smoked between 20 and 40 bowls a day because he has his own crop (he has his medical card to grow his own) well he eventually cut down to only a couple times a week and I'm so paranoid all he ever does is smoke because all of his friends are always over (who always smoke) and his mom smokes too. Then one day he and I got in a huge fight (almost broke up) and I got him back but one of my deals with him was that I would smoke with him at least once a day when I move in with him... I'm not sure of my question whether its should I make him quit all together? Or if its should I really smoke? (if I don't he's just going to know I lied to him to get him back) or what I should do? He says he loves me but I guess not enough to quit for me? Ah I don't know!!

He's asking you to start an addiction? What a prince-NOT. Dump the dopehead and find a man who's happy living in the real world,rather than on cloud nine.

Well he has asked me before if id smoke with him and he always respected when I said no, but for some reason I decided to make this stupid deal with him and I feel so low for making it, I feel like I gave up or something, if that makes sense...

You gave up your integrity but reclaim it by leaving him.
Google cannabisaddiction-it isn't pretty. Good luck.

Ill look it up again but believe me I've done all the research to prove to him weed is still bad... but of course he doesn't believe me... my other problem though is I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic and see I didn't choose to be that was all the pressure from my horrible sister when I was young her practically forcing me to drink everyday with her and my boyfriend says smoking weed is better than alcohol and could help me quit... is that true?

No my dear you'd just be swopping one addiction for another so that's a horrible idea. I suggest you go to AA.
They will help and support you.
Take care.

You will be adding one addiction to another addiction. Stupid... fry your brain and drown your liver. Smart choice isn't it?

Neither one is better than the other.

What is his medical condition that he has a licenced card to use pot? That is not exactly an easy thing to get unless under specific chronic conditions.

Why do you want to use somebody elses' 'prescription'?

His heavy use, his friends who use, and the use itself sounds like a lifestyle to me. Why would you start except to say that you too want this lifestyle?

I think you should be on your own, and handling your own addiction. Support 12-step type groups are good, as well as specific counselling for your own addiction such as CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). There are options for you.

I urge you to skip jumping into the drug lifestyle with your boyfriend and his friends. Get your own life on track without alcohol, and stick to people who are good for you. Not people who are going nowhere.

And if he is "giving" or selling to his friends or even giving to you, he is breaking the law also.

And you smoking, you can't get a lot of jobs that require drug tests, and so much more.

jake2008-his medical condition is acid reflux but he also has it for a replacement for pills for depressoion and add insomia and anexity

(he has his medical card to grow his own)
Are you kidding me?
There is no such thing.
Anywhere!
If you saw one he must have made a fake one.
If you think these people are nothing but stoners ,get away from them and don't look back.
Save yourself because they are not going to change for you.

The point is, obviously this man is in rough shape. It sounds like he cannot just 'quit' as you mentioned in your original post, because he has several 'chronic' conditions such as acid reflux, depression, insomnia, and anxiety, requiring a medical prescription for marijuana. You realize that with that license, he is allowed only to grow as much as he needs, right? It is not a license to grow, sell, share. Anyway, my opinion is that it is highly unlikely that any Doctor would prescribe for any of his 'conditions', but there are exceptions to every rule, and it sounds like he is taking full advantage of a ready supply of 'legal' pot.

My question remains, why would you get mixed up with a man who is so sick. Why would you want that lifestyle. Why would you be trying to 'fix' him, by making deals with him to smoke yourself, so he'll smoke less. Why the rescue thing going on.

You will find that life without an addiction, is a better life. A better lifestyle for you, more productive, and rewarding. You really need to wake up and smell the coffee here. Look at the bigger picture. His addiction, with your addiction to alcohol=an unproductive, unhealthy lifestyle.

Try instead to rescue yourself, get into counselling, learn how to live without alcohol, and learn what it is about you that is attracted to men with serious issues, that are unwilling to change themselves.

Your relationship with your sister has nothing to do with where your mindset is right now. You can blame anything and everyone for you becoming alcoholic, but the truth is, it is your addiction, and you have to get help before you waste a few decades lamenting about how rotten your childhood was.

With the start of 2010, I hope you make a resolution for yourself, and decide to take care of YOU. Get into counselling, deal with your addictions, drop the boyfriend, and live a happier, productive life, on your own two feet.

That was a dumb deal to get into, and an illegal one. You had better stand up for yourself, and back away from that one, whether he leaves, or not. That's not a route to a healthy relationship at all, but a recipe for disaster.

You either accept your boyfriend for what he is, since he was doing it when you met him, or leave this situation, and find a better one. Trying to change him is futile. You have already learned enough about him, and his life, to make a good choice for yourself.

As a recovering pothead/ alcoholic, I think its time you got away from that place/person. With the fighting and him wanting you to start too,NOT good! Sorry but that's what you ned so you don't get cought up in any trouble that is going to come from his problems. Having "friends" over all the time will have the cops watching if they aren't now.

OK well I'm not going to fight with all you guys but you CAN grow your own true enough for only you but when 3 other people in the house have their card that's a lot of weed growing in the back yard... im done with this thread or whatever this is I've gotten enough info so goodbye...

3 other people in the house have their card that's a lot of weed growing in the back yard


That's the problem, your around a lot of active pot smokers, You can't expect him to do anything else but smoke pot, as long as he thinks it helps him through his issues, but you don't fit with that crowd, nor do you seem to want to. But how could you not be influenced by his pressure?

As long as he is so important to you, there will be pot around him, and he will constantly be urging you to join him. That's not going to change as long as your there with him.

ok well im not gonna fight with all you guys but you CAN grow your own true enough for only you but when 3 other people in the house have their card thats a lot of weed growing in the back yard...im done with this thread or whatever this is ive gotten enough info so goodbye...

Where is this I wonder? There is pot growing all over the South, I'm sure of it. But no one down here has a "get out of jail free" card. Are doctors really prescribing weed so freely nowadays?

As an alcoholic/addict in successful recovery, I can tell you that you both should get into a 12 step program.

Good luck.

Not any fight do what you want you ask we gave. Life does teach a lot its up to you to learn. If someone steps in dog crap and tells you were it is so you don't,listen to them. Ask yourself this question, Is he more important then me? True you want him in your life,but is the risk,you don't have a card I'm guessing. So if you smoke too. The cops will take you and how will that be? Your call,your life. Good luck.

I think what your doing, and going through, your doing to keep him, and have a place to stay.

I wish you loved yourself, half as much as you say you loved him. He obviously loves himself, and what he is doing, more than he loves you.

Where is this I wonder? There is pot growing all over the South, I'm sure of it. But no one down here has a "get out of jail free" card. Are doctors really prescribing weed so freely nowadays?Hello jm:

At last count, there are 13 states that allow a physician to prescribe medical marijuana, and ain't NONE in the south.

Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington. Two states have passed laws that, although favorable towards medical marijuana, did not legalize its use. Those would be Arizona and Maryland where a medical marijuana defense can be asserted.

While I disagree with the posts saying that marijuana is a dangerous drug, I don't disagree with the proposition that it IS a drug, and as such must be viewed in that light. Its use CAN have negative consequences, the law being the most obvious in most states. It's NOT for children. And, it may not be the drug of choice for some people. Alcoholics are often times, NOT interested in pot.

If the OP has an aversion to pot, she shouldn't smoke it... Certainly, she shouldn't be with someone who does.

excon

PS> Yup. I live in Washington, and I grow the BEST pot in the world.

In one of your other threads you mention being a young mother,what's happening with your child in all this?

Well I don't live with my boyfriend right now so my son is safe...

Hello jm:

At last count, there are 13 states that allow a physician to prescribe medical marijuana, and ain't NONE in the south.

Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington. Two states have passed laws that, although favorable towards medical marijuana, did not legalize its use. Those would be Arizona and Maryland where a medical marijuana defense can be asserted.

While I disagree with the posts saying that marijuana is a dangerous drug, I don't disagree with the proposition that it IS a drug, and as such must be viewed in that light. Its use CAN have negative consequences, the law being the most obvious in most states. It's NOT for children. And, it may not be the drug of choice for some people. Alcoholics are often times, NOT interested in pot.

If the OP has an aversion to pot, she shouldn't smoke it... Certainly, she shouldn't be with someone who does.

excon

PS> Yup. I live in Washington, and I grow the BEST pot in the world.

Excon, A year ago, I would have used the card that I DO have, a flight pass card (free anywhere, anytime, first class too, if room available )and would have liked to sample your crop. But, alas, recovery means total abstinence.

I smoked for thirty years, and farmed it also years ago. We have a very long season for such plants. I miss it sometimes.

Even though I too feel that if used responsibly, it can actually help with problems, and enhance sex, and other activities. But here, like you stated, it is against the law. No ifs, ands, or buts. You will be charged if caught.

But more times than not, it is blamed for being the "gateway" to more dangerous drugs. Not always the case is it, Ex?

And yes, when I sit in AA meetings, the majority of alcoholics are against weed. It's funny how they try to make it more dangerous than driving drunk! It is indeed a drug, and a problem for many, but not as bad as most drugs that are being abused.

But this girl has a problem with her bf's smoking, and he's not going to stop. Not for her, not for anyone. Especially because he has a "note" from his doctor. Who would?

I'm moving in with my boyfriend soon and he is very close with his family and friends and his friends are at his house all the time (when I say all the time I mean ALLLLLLLL the time... im not really a people person and when I do make and have friend I'm very very very picky about the people I'm friends with (I don't even have many friends right now) and I've never really had a family life (my mom moved my dad is mentally abusive and I hang out with my sister sometimes), right now he understands that because we don't see each other often I get a little upset that he goes out and to places (but that's besides the point) I want to know if I'm out of line by getting mad that I don't want him to go to a lot of places with his family (they go a lot of places) he says he won't go every where but I know he's going to go to a lot of the places and we just had a conversation that when he goes and hangs out with friends I can either go with him or go to my sisters or sit at our house all alone. I chose to sit there all alone because my sister is busy a lot and again I don't really like his friends much, I don't care if his friends are at the house sometimes (not all day every day but sometimes) I don't mind that and I will talk to them and be nice and stuff and he knows that because that's how I am already at his house, I just am wondering if I'm out of line or over reacting to him having his same life once I move in, shouldn't he make some changes or something??

If you're moving in hoping to change him, then unpack and stay put.

Some changes are inevitable, like discussing finances, making room for your stuff, food choices, meal choices, cleaning, chores, etc. etc. But he shouldn't have to give up his friends and family for you.

He's close to his family. That's important. Just because you aren't doesn't mean that he should stop his relationship with them. You're not a permanent fixture right now. You're just a girlfriend, they're his family, forever!

In other words, yes, I think you're out of line. That's just my opinion, but I'm seeing it from his view because I'm a lot like him, I loved my family very much and saw them as often as possible. Then I lost both my parents in 2001 when I was 30. If my husband had told me he didn't want me seeing them as often, I would never have forgiven him.

I'm not telling him to give up his friends and family its just that right now he goes places with them and is right there next to them all day every day.
And no I'm not moving in hopes to change him I'm moving because I have no where else to stay besides with him or the streets.

If he's taking you in because you have no where else to go, then just be happy you have a place to live, don't expect him to change how he lives in his house that he pays for.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but it sounds like you do expect him to change. He enjoys being with his family, but you want him to spend less time with them because all you have is him and your sister.

That's not his fault, that's yours. Find some friends, get out, meet people. You can't rely on him to be your only support system.

No no I needed someone to be harsh about that. Haha, I guess your right, he says we will spend a lot of time together and I should be happy he is letting me stay there and I guess he would be giving up a lot anyway by letting me stay there technically, thank you :)

no no i needed someone to be harsh about that. haha, i guess your right, he says we will spend alot of time together and i should be happy he is letting me stay there and i guess he would be giving up alot anyways by letting me stay there technically, thank you :)

No problem.

I just see it from his side a lot. He obviously loves his family but he also loves you. If you did ask him to cut down on his time with them, he'd be caught in the middle, torn. I know you wouldn't want to do that to him.

I really suggest getting to know his family better. Family is important. These could be your future in-laws, so get to know them. Who knows, you may just get to like them and have fun with them. :)

Yes that's true I don't want to make him choose, and I will try to get to know them all a little bit better... I do agree family is important and me not having a good family/not really having a family at all was hard, so I think ill look at it as his family is my family as well.
Thank you :)

yes thats true i dont want to make him choose, and i will try to get to know them all a little bit better...i do agree family is important and me not having a good family/not really having a family at all was hard, so i think ill look at it as his family is my family as well.
thank you :)

The fact that your family life wasn't good, isn't good, well that can play a huge part in the relationships you have now and in the future.

It's hard to open yourself up when you've been through something bad. I had a great family, I was very lucky. I did have things happen to me in my life that made me close myself off to people. I didn't want to get hurt, so it was better not to allow anyone in.

The problem with that is, if you don't allow people in, you won't get hurt, but you won't be loved either. I can't guarantee that you'll never be hurt again, but I can guarantee that you'll be very lonely if you don't at least try to accept people into your life.

Being on this site is a great start. Trust me, stick around and you won't be able to help yourself, you'll make friends. The people on this site are great. They've helped me through a lot, they've become like an extended family. I can't say enough good things about them.

The great thing about being here though, is you don't have to deal with people face to face. You also don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to.

You still need face to face interaction, but for someone who doesn't have a lot of friends and has a hard time opening herself up to the possibility (like you stated) this is a great place to start.

I really wish you all the best. I hope that you find happiness with his family, that they take you in and you finally find the joy that family can bring.

Having read some of your other posts I have to assume this is the boyfriend that grows and smokes his own MJ together with his friends.
You also have a tenmonth old baby boy.
Do you seriously think it is good idea-moving a baby in with someone who smokes weed?
As you are a single mother, you must have other options.

Thank you so much everything you said meant a lot and all of it is very true and makes a lot of sense :) thank you so much for your advice and things that u said...

Having read some of your other posts I have to assume this is the bf that grows and smokes his own MJ together with his friends.
You also have a tenmonth old baby boy.
Do you seriously think it is good idea-moving a baby in with someone who smokes weed?
As you are a single mother, you must have other options.

Yes all of that is true but I have no other options, id rather not raise my child on the streets, and him and his friends and family assured me that they will all smoke in the other places (trailer in the back, garage, shed: all places they smoke anyway just sometimes they smoke in the house) and they all told me they would only smoke in those places, I trust them and my boyfriend loves my son very much and wouldn't let anything happen to him, I do think I over react about the weed but it does bother me a lot, but I know that it doesn't change who he is at all... I have a very good air purifier that will eliminate all the smoke or whatever left over stuff there is in the house. If I thought that moving here was going to harm my child in any way I wouldn't move in here and id try harder to find someone else to move in with... please believe me that id never do anything or go anywhere to put my child in potential harm.

Asking for mutual friends is not out of line. Me and my fiancé had to make a list of mutual friends as one sided friends were only causing an inconvenience for one or the other.

Perhaps you can try the same?

Ok, I'm going to address two things here...

Altenweg has done an amazing job giving you advice about moving in and not setting out to change the man. You should really listen to her, she's a wise cookie! :) You already know that you can't change him, that he won't stop seeing his friends and family, and that you should never make him choose between you and his friends/family. I hope you take that advice.

Now, on to the "other issue." How can you think that moving a child into a home where people smoke marijuana together, grow it in the backyard, and smoke it all time is good for a child? It really doesn't matter if it's inside or out, the child is going to grow up in a home that considers that acceptable behavior. That's not an ideal situation.

Are there truly no shelters in your area, no other place where you can go? What about family? I'm not doubting you, but have you really exhausted all options for the home for your child?

To your original question: asking for your boyfriend to stop seeing his friends and family is out of line in my opinion.

WARNING HARSH POST

Be prepared to lose your son. Voluntarily moving a child into an environment where drugs are involved can constitute child endangerment. I don't think this is what you want for your son now is it? And to think that you are willing to start smoking weed with him in order to try to get him to either cut down or stop? That's just ridiculous.

You, darling, need to get your priorities straight. Your primary priority should be your son, not your druggie boyfriend. Your son is 10 months old now, but he won't stay that way forever. Children are sponges. Their little brains soak up, and remember for a long time, everything they see and hear. I can promise you that your druggie boyfriend and his friends probably don't have clean language, especially when stoned.

Sure they may go out to the "trailer" to do their drugs, but they will come inside at some point, stoned, and be involved in one way or another with your child. Good role models! You should be proud you picked a loser for a boyfriend and a role model for your little baby.

Right now you don't see him all the time AND you get upset because he goes out. What's going to happen when you live with him and he goes out? I'll tell you... arguments and fights. Those arguments and fights will escalate because drug abusers aren't logical when their high.

Come on.. you can do better than this!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/boyfriend-smokes-weed-429906.html

I hope you listen to the advice you're being given. Do NOT go ahead with this,you'd be making a mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life.

I know how you feel. I have nearly no relations with my family. My husbands friends are here everyday! It's hard sometimes. But if he appreciates you as much as you think he does, then don't worry about it! He will realize that it's not about him anymore. It may be tough at first to get used to it. But you will. I'm a lot like you. My only friends are my Husband's Friend's Wives. But they are my best friends. Even his friends are very close to my heart. Like my children almost (just 5 years older.) It will be tough, but hey, yo might actually like it. Tough for me at first, but I can't imagine a better life

I know how you feel. I have nearly no relations with my family. My husbands friends are here everyday! It's hard sometimes. But if he appreciates you as much as you think he does, then don't worry about it! he will realize that it's not about him anymore. It may be tough at first to get used to it. But you will. I'm a lot like you. My only friends are my Husband's Friend's Wives. But they are my best friends. Even his friends are very close to my heart. Like my children almost (just 5 years older.) It will be tough, but hey, yo might actually like it. Tough for me at first, but I can't imagine a better life

Did you even notices that these people grow and smoke their own marijuana? Is this the life you have? Is this a good life for a child? I think NOT!

Your letting your fear of being homeless lead you down a desperate path. The state and county you're in has services for young single mothers like yourself who need temporary help to avoid being homeless, and living in a dope den.

You have to reach out for other options, though I can see you would rather be with your boyfriend than strangers, but that's not a good situation for you, or your baby.

Also not mentioning his weed problem in your new post was a bit dishonest, as its an important fact in the advice you get. That's why your posts were merged together, for all the FACTS.

Quote by lovebird120;
well i dont live with my boyfriend right now so my son is safe..

I think you realize what you are heading into, or you wouldn't have made that statement.

Why the about face. Why consider doing the exact opposite?

yes all of that is true but i have no other options, id rather not raise my child on the streets, and him and his friends and family assured me that they will all smoke in the other places (trailer in the back, garage, shed: all places they smoke anyways just sometimes they smoke in the house) and they all told me they would only smoke in those places, i trust them and my boyfriend loves my son very much and wouldnt let anything happen to him, i do think i over react about the weed but it does bother me alot, but i know that it doesnt change who he is at all...i have a very good air purifier that will eliminate all the smoke or whatever left over stuff there is in the house. if i thought that moving here was going to harm my child in any way i wouldnt move in here and id try harder to find someone else to move in with...please believe me that id never do anything or go anywhere to put my child in potential harm.

You have no other place to go to live your child. Why? If it is a money issue, then why are you also asking about a hotel:


has anyone been too "inn on the beach" in ventura california?
is it nice?
ive been looking around and getting VERY mixed reviews...

Plus more of the story:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-money-services/money-assistance-431845.html

It seems to me that it is time for you to grow up before your child is raising you.

Oh the hotel isn't for me its because my brother and his girlfriends anniversary is coming up and he asked me where a nice place to go would be so I did some research...
And your right talaniman I didn't even think of putting about the weed in this thread because all I was asking is if I was out of line about the friends thing...

And I didn't know my deadline my father never told me he was kicking me out when I turned 18 I never knew that, when I first got pregnant he told me I could stay as long as I wanted and now 2 weeks before I turn 18 he informed me I can't stay here anylonger...

I didn't even notice there was a whole 4th page, I didn't notice they were merged so now ill respond to everything else
You ALL are SO right and I don't know what I'm doing I'm honestly a stupid selfish person and a horrible mother... I know none of you said that but that's now the conclusion I've come to
(no I have no family that live anywhere near me and I'm going to school here so I can't just up and leave... my brother says he's going to help me with money as much as possible and I've been looking for cheap housing on this one website... )
I'm sorry that I have even considered making this decision and I'm going to go through my options a little more carefully... I really don't have friends or family and if living at my boyfriends is really the only place to go then I'm going to have to go there... I was a stupid kid who had a baby with someone who just up and left so I'm going to make it a point to make sure he pays me in child support thank you for all of your advice and concerns...

Does he make money? Does he have his own place, car.. etc.. if he has his stuff in order you have no right to make him stop and I'm pretty sure he would be happier with someone who shared his interest. As an avid weed smoker who grows his own, works, and gets things done I find some of you judgemental bastards. Probably saying he is a dope head while your sucking down that jack and coke, or beer which is a far worse substance. My advice break up so you both can be happy. I hate when women think they can change someone just find someone your compatible with. I had this problem but it concerned my facial hair. Long story short I have a new girlfriend and a nice beard.