I am quite sure deep down I know the answer already. But I need to hear it from someone else for some reason.

Some background. She (27) lives in USA with 2 kids, I (26) live in Australia with no kids. We met via the internet. We have been in contact for 2 years. We finally met in September 2009 (I travelled to US). After going so well, we discussed another meet. I am currently in the USA, I arrived just over a week ago. I am staying with her in a small house. I have been given 3 months off work to travel, and can go back home at any stage.

I'm confused.

The problem. I'm one week in and am unsure what to do.

She seemed very odd with me after about 4 days, and after I asked she explained she felt uncomfortable with me in the house. She has been alone for so long, its hard to have me there in her space. I understand this, but this is what we wanted. And I don't have a money tree for a hotel for my entire stay.

I have been nothing but generous to her, in helping financially, cooking, cleaning, washing, babysitting and more. I've been perhaps over nice, but nothing I wouldn't do for anyone close to me.

We had an argument, which started about nothing in particular but both of us being tired and in each others face for a lot of time. During this she explained that she wanted to have a relationship with me, but she cant. That because of her previous relationship, she doesn't know how to have a good relationship. She wants to take things slow.
After a cool off period and a sleep, she asked me to be patient with her, then asked how long will I wait, will I give up on her before she fixes her problems from her previous relationship.

The most recent thing has been, She is having a friend come to stay (organised today), and has asked me to stay in a hotel due to the size of the house and she wants to spend time with her girl friend alone. I'm not sure how to take this as I've only been here a week, and she is asking me to stay in a hotel.
After trying to swallow this position she has put me in, I suggested I should travel to see my friend in the next state while her friend stays, she didn't like this idea.

She has said she loves me though I'm not sure what she wants, right now I don't feel like its me. I'm confused, she sends mixed messages. Besides, it's not easy to take things slow as I don't have a car or house over here, I realise she didn't know how she was going to feel until I got here, but what am I to do when I have no where else to go? I don't have enough money to stay in a hotel all the time. I too feel uncomfortable in an unknown place and not knowing anyone.
I don't expect us to be ALL or NOTHING right now, it's been 1 week. Though I don't know what she wants and am confused by the mixed messages.

Can anyone help understand further what she might be going though? Or why she is doing what she is?
And since I've come all of this way, should I give this relationship opportunity as its only been one week? Do I travel to my friend in the next state? Or do I go home where it all ends?

Sorry this is long.
Please Help.

AussieInUSA.

I suggest you go see your friend in the next state- I wouldn't give the relationship much hope-sorry guy,but too much hazzle too soon.
Enjoy your vacation and go home when you're ready.

You have spoken for two years and met.

I do understand the space issue,however,I think you should see this as a holiday,go see your friends and enjoy the trip.

Surely she knew about her own issues before you came,or perhaps it was an excuse not to continue with the relationship,either way,it sounds like she is not ready...

Don't waste any more time..

Move on.

I think you should go visit your friend while she has her friend visiting. What else are you going to do while she entertains her firend...sit in the motel and watch TV?

I think she's having some second thoughts about the relationship. Sure, she may have had some bad relationships in the past, but that's really no excuse for sending you to a motel. She knew you were coming for an extended visit, so it's just not right that she has her girlfriend in.

Is it possible that she's been using you for the money and gifts?

Just for the sake of argument, I'm going to suggest that this is just a bump in the road. What if she really is used to living alone and feels pressured looking at three more months? This is human and understandable. It's not very nice of her to voice it, but I think that this something you need to talk out and find solutions to, not just assume she is using you or that the relationship is over. If you put a saddle on a horse and he threw it off the first time, you wouldn't just give up. I think this MAY be similar.

I think the visiting girlfriend is odd. How long is she staying? I don't think you should have to leave--either to a hotel or out of state. You aren't supposed to be an unwelcome house guest who can be thrown out when someone else comes. You are supposed to be living there. I would tell her that you feel bad being asking to leave on such trivial grounds and that you would prefer to stay. She can go out for dinner with the girlfriend if they want to talk privately--probably about you.

Meanwhile, get busy on some projects, whether for the household or for yourself. Find some means of transport, such as a bicycle or scooter so you aren't housebound. There's no bus nearby?

I would give this more time.

Your finding out that long time pen pals does not equal relationship. I find it hard to believe you haven't been discussing her previous relationship in those two years either.

For whatever reason, you seem to be better online buddies than romantic partners, and maybe that's the way to keep it given the distance, so visit your friends, and salvage this trip, and make plans that do not depend on her support, if your intending to stay for any extended period.

If she was serious about a relationship, she wouldn't ask you to leave while her friend visits, that's a major red flag that she doesn't value your presence as she has led on, plus this just ain't going to work right now.

I know maybe you both had high expectations for this visit, but reality is in the way so your really on your own.

So... technically, she is already too "cramped" on the second date... That doesn't bode well for the relationship.

Having experienced that deep, meaningful type of friendships that you can form via the internet, I understand when you say that you have formed a deep relationship with this woman. But the thing about internet relationships is that the other person ONLY sees what you want them to see. Your relationship is based on what you have told each other is fact.

She may certainly be scarred from a previous relationship, that happens. But, this seems like an abrupt reality check. In my opinion, she isn't ready for a relationship.

That being said, I think that your best bet would be to tell her that you are really sorry that she feels that way, respect her wishes, and have a wonderful time in our great country.

She is right; there is no guarantee that you are going to be waiting for her when she realizes what a catch she lost, but that is the way "the cookie crumbles."

I'm sorry that you had to spend all that money, time, and effort to figure all this out, but take advantage of your time in the States! It's a beautiful time of year to be here! I visited Oz when I was a teenager and fell in LOVE with it. Enjoy US!

Best of luck!

Despite what I said, I can't disagree with Tal or Historian.
Greenies to both.

I think you'll have to decide how hard you want to work on this relationship.
Me, I'd give her another couple of weeks. But I agree with everything other people have said. You've invested a lot to travel to another country. You could certainly find lots of cool ways to spend the next three months instead of sitting around being told you are unwelcome.

Talaniman wrote:
I can't get over reneging on the living arrangements because a friend is visiting, because she knew he was coming and what the arrangements would be. Why change all that?

It's very weird. I am thinking that she discovered something about the OP she can't live with but doesn't know how to bring it up. Leaves the toothpaste cap off?

Thank you for your responses.

I have spoken with her today, here are some things in direct quote.

"what i WANT is some other way to go about this. i need some sort of natural progression here. u can't be here 24/7. it leaves me no way to process things slowly and have room to breathe. there are hotels for only $38 a night. i didnt say u can't stay here sometimes. im just saying i need breaks. but obviously that is too much to ask so whatever. i give up then. u want it all ur way, and all right now. that isnt gonna happen. u seem to think it shouldve just gone sooo smoothly and that everything would be easy and perfect. thats ridiculous. if we can't have some sort of natural progression here, we have no chance at all. i know that 100%. i can't just jump into this. its not that easy for me. what i wanted and what i ended up being capable of are two different things."

"cuz when u got here, i was thrilled. i felt happy and it was great. but then it all got buried. so im trying to remember those feelings and remind myself that they are still there. just hidden right now. i have no room to breathe. no room to think about things and process things. i just got thrown straight into it. and for you, that might work just fine. for me, it doesnt at all."

Can someone please translate this?

I think I will start traveling. If I am worth it to her, she will make an effort like I have for her.

AussieInUSA

Her looking forward to your visit changed, when you got there. That reinforces the fact that there is a big difference between online talking, and being in love, and the real thing once you meet. To be fair, this should have been talked about ahead of time to avoid confusion, but it wasn't. I think it was unrealistic for you both, to not have planned your own way out, in case this very thing happened.

You tried, it didn't work, so forget it. Poor communications, led to some really poor planning. It happens with strangers.

Traveling sounds good. You might also look into getting a little apartment nearby her. But her intense need for space already doesn't sound very promising.

I think it's a real kick in the teeth to expect you to come halfway across the world and then spend New Years alone while she processes her feelings.She can't process them tomorrow,or the next day?
You are a stranger here and she expects you to spend New Years alone! I would be offended and I would be seeing that friend and not going back to her place.
She said its all about you but it seems it is all about her.
I hope your visit in the US improves and your New Year turns out good!

You seem like a real caring person, but things just aren't moving along. If I were you I would just go back home and chaulk this up to experience. Find you a nice local gal!

I would go visit my friend in another state, just like she asked you too. After your done, I would go back home. Actually, I would leave when she went to work and don't leave a note. It's her loss, I think its pretty crappy what she did to you. You seem like such a nice guy.You deserve someone better.