Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!

And how exactly are we supposed to advise you to improve it without knowing more details about WHY it's dying.
You need to be more specific if you want a helpful answer. Vague questions like these are often ignored.

Give some more details. What is wrong with the relationship that it is dying?
If an 8 year relationship is dying, there's a good chance that there is some unhealthyness in your relationship. Instead of panicking and trying to save the relationship, why don't you take a step back and communicate with your partner? Right your wrongs, forgive each other, and don't get defensive or blame your partner- this will only create a fight.
Re-evaluate and ask yourself some pointed questions- is there love in your relationship (commitment, trust.. ) Is your love based on feelings or romance? Find out what's wrong, and get on the same team with your partner to fix it! You need to align yourself with each other, instead of being each other's enemy.

Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!
And, Wow! do I need help figuring this site out. =)

For instance, what's the apparently unwritten rule on avatars and signatures?

Details on my relationship: This is a passive aggressive man, who loved me as best he could for seven years. Showed me he loved me in countless ways. Tried very hard to meet my emotional needs. Etc.

This last year has been hellish. We were both laid off from our jobs, our dog has cancer, our cat has liver disease, my husband seems to have reverted back to childhood, his passive aggression has reached the level of abuse. And it's all become a roller coaster ride.

He leaves, he comes back, he makes promises, he breaks them, he leaves, he comes back -- you get the picture. He's 45, I'm thinking Mid-life crisis, depression due to being laid off, his passive aggression is telling him he can't trust me now that I've seen him for who he really is: unemployed, abusive, unloving, uncaring, untouchable, distant, cold, etc.

We took one step forward, then two steps back. We went to couples counseling, it didn't help. He said THE words, "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you." Then he left. This was Nov. 7, 2009. Nov. 8, he comes back in tears. Just sobbing. He says, "I love you with all my heart. I'm just beating myself up, it has nothing to do with you. I'm so sorry for all the things I've put you through. You're beautiful to me, Turn your head so I can see your beautiful face, now I can hear your wonderful little laugh again. I'll never leave you again."

One month later he tells me he's going to his mother's house for Christmas and leaving me at home. He can't live with me anymore, so he moved to Seattle to be closer to his mother. His passive aggression morphed into aggressive verbal abuse AND passive aggression.

I ask him to come back to help with the dog, who has to be tended to 24/7. The dog is our baby, how he could leave the dog in the first place is beyond me. He comes back, just in time for Christmas. He gave me a gift -- something he knew I wouldn't like. I had told him what I wanted and he promised me several times he would give it to me.

I bought him several gifts, but cleared them with him before I bought them (too many past experiences of him letting me know clearly he didn't like my gifts).

He then tells me he didn't like what I bought for him, how could I not know that, throws them in my face and tells me to sell his gifts and the one he bought for me.

He's here helping take care of the dog, but he will not speak to me. I am living with an ice berg. I expect he'll leave when the dog dies, but I am having a hard time working and functioning after all this crap.

The difficult thing is, the dog DOES need 24/7 care and I can't do it all myself. I don't have any family or friends who can help.

But, passive aggressive though he may have always been, he honestly does not care about my pain, tears, entreaties, nothing anymore. I could hang myself right in front of him and he wouldn't care. He's great with the dogs.

I asked how his viewpoint could have changed so drastically since Nov. 8, and he said he felt that way at the time. What happened? I don't know! I'm a giver, cheerful, quick to forgive and adapt. This guy has tons of great qualities and I see them. I'm probably the only woman in the world who can see through the games to the wounded child underneath, and for seven years he loved me for it.

*sigh*

Any advice? I just can't leave or ask him to leave until the dog dies. And no, I'm not going to put the dog down until his quality of life is no longer good.

Thanks for looking, thanks for any help.

Give some more details. What is wrong with the relationship that it is dying?
If an 8 year relationship is dying, there's a good chance that there is some unhealthyness in your relationship. Instead of panicking and trying to save the relationship, why don't you take a step back and communicate with your partner? Right your wrongs, forgive each other, and don't get defensive or blame your partner- this will only create a fight.
Re-evaluate and ask yourself some pointed questions- is there love in your relationship (commitment, trust...?) Is your love based on feelings or romance? Find out what's wrong, and get on the same team with your partner to fix it! You need to align yourself with each other, instead of being each other's enemy.

I can't greenie you again, but I really like this answer. :)

llll

We can play pretend! :)

Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!
I thought I was putting in the title of my post with the first one. Sorry!

I thought I was putting in the title of my post with the first one. Sorry!


Haha well, at least you put more details in your second post. :)

Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!
And I have no idea how to respond to OhSoHappy's comment that I gave a few more details by saying, "Only a few?" ;)

I'm a forum pro, can't say I've ever seen one that functions like this one before.:)

Nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship- including you. I don't understand why you wouldn't want this relationship to end..

Ohsohappy: =)

And I have no idea how to respond to OhSoHappy's comment that I gave a few more details by saying, "Only a few?" ;)

I'm a forum pro, can't say I've ever seen one that functions like this one before.:)

If you want to reply to something that someone has said directly, you go to the post you want to reply to and click "quote user" and it will bring up a text box with the quote, and you type your response below that. Give ti a shot, took me a while too. :)

Nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship- including you. I don't understand why you wouldn't want this relationship to end...?

Ohsohappy: =)

Haha it took me a second to realize why you were smiling.
Kind of thought you were flirting for a second, and then I realized that I had said something nice. LOL!

Haha it took me a second to realize why you were smiling.
Kinda thought you were flirting for a second, and then i realized that I had said something nice. LOL!

Yes! I returned the favor on a different board =)

Yes! I returned the favor on a different board =)

I saw that, thank you. :)

Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!
Oh so happy, I can't find how to display the whole thread. All I get is my own response. The only way I can see the thread is to click on show printable page, and I don't see a link like the one you described.

Oh so happy, I can't find how to display the whole thread. All I get is my own response. The only way I can see the thread is to click on show printable page, and I don't see a link like the one you described.

Is there not a blue button under my post that says "Quote user?"
When you go to read posts, directly under the signature there is a blue "quote user" option.

I don't know why it wouldn't work...

Are you quoting your original post or are are you clicking below what someone says?

Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!
Jaime90, I can't leave and I don't want him to leave until the dog passes away. This is a 10-year-old golden retriever that I've had since he was 8-weeks-old. I don't have a huge savings account that I can live off for a while, and I write from home for a living. I tried caring for Fozzy on my own, and I couldn't get any work done. I need my husband to help, and he's great with the dogs, but his irrational behavior is making it hard to concentrate enough to work anyway.

I'm truly caught between a rock and a hard place.

And would you really recommend someone leave a relationship that was wonderful for seven years, considering all the life-changing events that have happened to both of us in the last year, without at least asking if anyone has been through something similar?

How long do mid-life crises last? Is he likely to ever forgive himself for what he put me through should he get another job and feel better about himself?

I don't know. I just hate to give up on what I know is abnormal behavior. He said it himself, "I was beating myself up, it had nothing to do with you." OTOH, he's really hurting me and I feel just awful. Maybe I'll never be able to forgive him. I just don't know.

Jaime90, I can't leave and I don't want him to leave until the dog passes away. This is a 10-year-old golden retriever that I've had since he was 8-weeks-old. I don't have a huge savings account that I can live off of for a while, and I write from home for a living. I tried caring for Fozzy on my own, and I couldn't get any work done. I need my husband to help, and he's great with the dogs, but his irrational behavior is making it hard to concentrate enough to work anyway.

I'm truly caught between a rock and a hard place.

And would you really recommend someone leave a relationship that was wonderful for seven years, considering all the life-changing events that have happened to both of us in the last year, without at least asking if anyone has been through something similar?

How long do mid-life crises last? Is he likely to ever forgive himself for what he put me through should he get another job and feel better about himself?

I don't know. I just hate to give up on what I know is abnormal behavior. He said it himself, "I was beating myself up, it had nothing to do with you." OTOH, he's really hurting me and I feel just awful. Maybe I'll never be able to forgive him. I just don't know.


I think that the best thing that you can do is just keep trying to communicate with him and try to work on things together, as a team, not against each other.

Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!
And by the way, I don't even see a place to put a title in, and I even in the forum, where I located my question, the only response that pops up is my own.

Apparently this site is serious about either A. only encouraging intelligent, patient or at least relentless people; or, B. they enjoy poking a stick at people who are having serious issues and could really use help, not more frustrationg. =/

Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!
Ohsohappy: He won't talk to me. At all.

Is the counselling over? And yes he could be depressed-has he seen a doctor?
Any kind of abuse is wrong and you seem to be very stressed out at the moment.
What are you doing to help yourself? I hope you have friends and family to talk to.

Ohsohappy: He won't talk to me. At all.

I think you should take amicon's advice and try for counseling if you haven't.
Don't give up though, at least not yet. There's still hope, even if it's kind of buried.

Eight year relationship is dying, I don't want it to!
Amicon -- the counseling is over. He made promises that he wouldn't/couldn't keep. I suggested private counseling for him and that's what prompted him to move to Seattle. I'm involved with a domestic abuse program that is getting me into visits with a counselor. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself, but even if the relationship can be saved, a separation is called for if either one of us are going to be able to salvage our self esteem. I guess I just answered my own question. And then replied, "But not until my dog dies."

I don't want my dog to die, but he has terminal cancer, although he's completely normal acting. He has a tumor on his heart. They operated on it and told us he had 24 hours to two weeks to live. It will be four months next Friday. What do I do? Wish my dog would die? He's really the only friend I have left.

Whatever he is going through, its apparent you can't help him through it, so it looks like you, and the dog, had better get your lives together, without him.

I guess you did-and I'm sorry about your dog, the prospect of losing a pet is a bereavement process.
Make sure you have strong support to help you get you back on your feet.
As for him he has to truly want help and then seek it.

Amicon -- the counseling is over. He made promises that he wouldn't/couldn't keep. I suggested private counseling for him and that's what prompted him to move to Seattle. I'm involved with a domestic abuse program that is getting me into visits with a counselor. I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself, but even if the relationship can be saved, a separation is called for if either one of us are going to be able to salvage our self esteem. I guess I just answered my own question. And then replied, "But not until my dog dies."

I don't want my dog to die, but he has terminal cancer, although he's completely normal acting. He has a tumor on his heart. They operated on it and told us he had 24 hours to two weeks to live. It will be four months next Friday. What do I do? Wish my dog would die? He's really the only friend I have left.

Then maybe you should head out.
=/