I've been in a mature long distance relationship with a 30 year old woman for almost 2 years and it recently ended. We were always open and honest with communication and made the point of trying to see each other for at least a couple weekends every month. We also talked on the phone everyday. About a year into it we agreed we both had fallen in love. She made it clear to me that she was looking for a partner in life and that we shouldn't be in this relationship if we both weren't looking for the same thing. About 6 months ago she asked me if I would be willing to make a move with her to be together. I said I would and the relationship continued to go well, including a 10 day vacation with her family a couple months ago.

Then we didn't see each other for about 3 weeks. During that time we apart she had a lot of stress in her life and I was frustrated I couldn't be there in person to help her. But it wasn't until after her best friends wedding that things started to change for us and she started complaining about the distance and the drive. So I tried to come to the rescue and I sent her some flowers, then I sent her some info on moving in hopes that it would cheer her up and make her think of what we had to look forward to in the future. Unfortunately, it backfired and she said she felt like I was trying to make her mind up and that she didn't know what she wanted out of life and that she was scared and then she said she needed a break to think but we were still dating. I told her I respected that and gave her space.

I didn't talk to her for 2 weeks or so and didn't see her until she made the trip to see me a week later for an event planned prior to our break. Things went OK through the weekend and we spoke about our situation before she left. I herd a lot of the same things as before but started to hear things like" I got cold feet," "since we've been long distance how do we know we'll survive the day today" and "how do I know your the one?" I didn't really know how to address any of those concerns beyond telling her how happy I've been since I've met her, I'd never met anyone like her before, I reminded her of how well I've treated her, how much fun we've had together, and reminded her of how well we've gotten along. Things were left that day at I love you and I need to be alone but we're still dating. And she expressed concerned over me having to put my life on hold while she figured out what she wanted out of the future. I told her I was OK with waiting as long as she still had feelings for me and she agreed.

A few more weeks passed and we had contact through some flowers by me on a holiday and a card from her letting me know she was think about me and concerned about a personal issue I was going through. Then after 2 more weeks of sleeplissness I had to put things off center and I spoke to her about a way I could move closer to her with my firm that would allow us to see each other more often and experience the day to day. She pretty much slammed the door on that one and our break and still dating ended with I just want to be alone to figure out what I want to do with my life for her career and moving, then she told me she felt like our relationship had grown more into a friendship. I didn't buy it considering everything that had been done and said in the time leading up to all of this. I asked her if she wanted me in her life and she couldn't answer so I left things at that.

But after that she still felt the need to call me to have small talk a couple days later and I basically told her I couldn't and that it was too hard for me because I only had 3 days to sort out what breaking up meant and she had almost 2 months. I called her out on the friends thing and she broke down and said a big part of this was she wasn't ready for commitment. I told her she needed to find a way to be happy with herself and that it was OK if she was happier not dating me. I told her what she meant to me and what our time meant to me and I left it at that. We both agreed to see each other again and get together for a day sometime in the next few months.

Now I'm left here wondering what the hell happened? What did I ever do to scare her? And how the hell could I have responded when she asked how do I know you're the one? I feel like I was a victim of poor timing and I got caught up in a midlife crisis of hers not knowing what she wants out to the future interms of where whe wants to live or what she wants out of her career or what she wants out of marriage. It’s like a runaway bride without the wedding I was never pushing for.

You don’t know how many times she spoke to me about finally putting the distance behind us, how we ended up here baffles me considering everything she’s said to me, my family, her family, and our friends. How the hell do the wheels fall off in a months time? Did I handle this break right, I don’t know? I do know I’m glad I got the last word in even though it was tempting to hang onto being able to continue to talk to her even though our relationship was ended.

Right now I'm trying to rationalize that she is the one with the issues here and that there’s nothing wrong with me and I didn't do anything to bring this on because she couldn’t give me a reason beyond the distance. I'm trying to cope with the idea of moving on but there's still part of me that thinks there's something there worth fighting for. I realize time is the only answer to what the future may bring. I’m debating whether it’s worth contacting her when I’m up her way in a month or so. All I do know is I love her through all of this still and that I miss her dearly. I'd love to hear any ones take on this.

I would say that going a "few" weeks without talking, most people dating long distance, chat daily by email or instant message, they also talk several times a week on cell phones ( free long distance)

And honestly she most likley got tired of the long distance, she may have after a year or so, though you should move to be with her.

Most of the long distance relationships I know of, one partner moves to the other around 6 months or so.

I only wish I could have Father. But our situation was complicated by the fact that I had some medical issues tying me to my job and insurance benefits. And she owned a house and was under a contract with her work. What made this all the more complicated is she wanted to sell her home and move out of the midwest to a warmer climate because it was something she always wanted to do. And she absolutely disliked her career choice and wanted to try something new. I supported her and said I was ready to make a change when the topic first came up. I even made it clear that I would put off pursuing a masters degree until we moved. Neither of us knew when, or where, or how, quite yet but we decided to make some choices once our obligations to our employers were closer to ending after the New Year. During our break she really expressed a lot of concern over what I would be giving up to be with her and to move away. She was sincere in doing so, but I had trouble with the fact she couldn't accept the choices I had made to be with her and make a move to someplace new together. As we left it she was still planning to make a move to a destination unknown as of yet and try to embark on a brand new career outside of her field.

This all has the sound of it being too big of a step for her or there is something else in her picture she isn't being forthright about but I don't hear you seeing anything like that. I know at one time (I am happily married now but that is something of a minor miracle LOL) I could have found myself in a long distance relationship like yours, been scared by it coming to fruition and would have acted just like her. Disconnected from myself, unable to tell you what it was really because I wouldn't be sure myself and just so fearful that it ends either way. As it is, I am married to someone who is gone often now funny thing LOL but with some concerted effort I have put fearing quite a few things behind me now too.

I would give it some time, call her and set up a face to face where she can't mistake your genuine and gentle concern for her. If she seems receptive, ask her if it's that two-headed monster of what if it ends either way and see what she says.

As it was, my husband had to ask me to marry him twice (we got engaged, then unengaged and then engaged again-- it wasn't easy) and still I was a little panicked ten minutes before the wedding! Some of us are like that.

Valinors

I have conformation that there's no one else in the picture from one of her friends that talked to her right after this all started. I know its sort of shady to get the scoop from one of her friends, but I had to cool my suspision that she was feeding me a line of BS.The funny thing is her friend seemed to know what this was all about before she even spoke to my girlfriend. Even though she hadn't talk to her in several months she knew my girlfriend well enough to know she probably had issues with the idea of taking a chance. I had this in my backpocket from the time the break started which is part of the reason I think I was so level headed and supportive in letting her sort her feelings out.

I think your right it is too big of step and a lot of things hit her all at once. She's burn't out at her job and wants do do something entirely different and that's stressful enough, add on top of that selling a home, moving to a new location, and dealing with the uncertainty of our relationship I can see how she's scared. Considering she's a strong independent woman that's always been on her own, me being so confident that it would all work out probably added even more pressure.

You're so right about time, I have a feeling in my gut about this one. The difficulty is if I really want this to happen I need to get back in contact with her in a few months, swallow my pride and gradually ease into things and deny the urge to relive all the tough conversations we've had about our relationship, let her make some decisions in her life, and then take a stab at it.

How did your husband deal with rejection from you? What propelled him to stay in the game? Did you ever quit dating entierly for awhile?

The first sentence of your closing paragraph is true. There is nothing wrong with you and you didn't do anything to bring it on. For some reason she's had a change of heart. Forget about her and move on. No contact whatsoever, even when you're visiting in her area. Get involved in the things that interest you. Let her miss you and wonder what you're up to. She wanted the break so give it to her, hook, line and sinker. Make her think you've disappeared from the face of the earth. She needs to realize what she's lost. You don't need her and can be just as happy without her as with her and she's got to realize that.

I was in a long distance relationship.

I am now married to the guy been with him for a total for 8 years.
Our long distance relationship worked. We lived in 2 separate countries. He lived in england while I lived in malta.

For 1 whole year we would only see each other for 10 days every 3 months. Apart from our love The only thing that kept us going and dealing with our long distance relationship well was the fact that before we started our long distance we made a pact that after 1 year one of us would move where the other was. It can't work otherwise.

So after 1 year, I packed my bags and left, and lived with him in england.

It should be something the both of you want, without any worries or hesitation.

So after 1 year, i packed my bags and left, and lived with him in england.


I bet that was a colder alternative!

I bet that was a colder alternative!!

LOL just a tad mate!
Loved my experience and all my 6 yr stay in england but 1 thing I couldn't get used to... and yes... that was the greyness, and the cold.
Well coming from a place like Malta where its total opposite - sun and heat galore..
Still warm now in Mid Nov.

LOL just a tad mate!
Loved my experience and all my 6 yr stay in england but 1 thing i couldnt get used to... and yes... that was the greyness, and the cold.
Well comin from a place like Malta where its total opposite - sun and heat galore..
Still warm now in Mid Nov.

Wish I was there, I went to Nerja in South Spain in October, it was 28 - 30 degrees every day and sunny all day..

Something that is quite rare this time of year in the U.K.

When I got off the plane back in England, it was bitter cold, and misty!

And then the car would not start and I had to call breakdown recovery to top it all off. What a great ending to a great holiday. LOL

**Sorry for going off topic slightly Rocket! **

In October, here its usually about 25deg.. nice :)
Now its about 19deg and sunny.
Have u ever been to malta?
Where in UK are you?
I was in brighton :D

In October, here its usually about 25deg.. nice :)
Now its about 19deg and sunny.
Have u ever been to malta?
Where in UK are you?
I was in brighton :D


I'm in cloudy Bristol.. LOL

Never been to Malta, but used to have a good friend who came from Malta. He moved back to Malta some years ago and I never heard from him again.

I bet you had some major parties in Brighton :D

Cornwall is my favourite place in the U.K.

Ever been there?

I'm in cloudy Bristol..LOL

Never been to Malta, but used to have a good friend who came from Malta. He moved back to Malta some years ago and I never heard from him again.

I bet you had some major parties in Brighton :D

Cornwall is my favourite place in the U.K.

Ever been there?

Yea been to Cornwall, bueatiful, so tranquil - I loved it!

Brighton is awesome too. I went to that quarter of a million beach party of Fat Boy Slim, had you heard of it?

Where in Malta was he from?
Malta is tiny - 17miles wide by 5miles long..

How did your husband deal with rejection from you? What propelled him to stay in the game? Did you ever quit dating entierly for awhile?
Dear Rocket --It helps to know that both my husband and I come from very dysfunctional families (I mean that - not just some cliché here) and each of us had colossal failures in previous relationships. But we had, as individuals, begun a pretty committed process to overcome our respective pasts, which in a way made us seem (not to sound braggart here) somewhat rare from the moment we met.

Also we got to know each other in ways people should and often don't -- wide open and very real. So when trouble hit in our relationship sometimes it was pretty easy to tell who's camp it was in and what it was about. And if not, then we knew how to discuss until we did. And if we got hung up in that discussion, we sought professional help (first thing we learned from them was how to fight LOL)

He fundementally knew my rejection wasn't of him per se, but rather my past still haunting me. Trust at that level is difficult, and we both appreciate that. He also knew I did not want to be held back like that and was actively working it out. By the way, he's had his issues too. Over the course of six years, we dated, moved in together, then separated (that was the worst of it), then back together again, were engaged and not engaged and now we are married for fourteen years. You can see it was not exactly a linear path but here we are. I am oversimplifying a bit too but we both feel that most people's problems (including our own) comes from attempting to deny reality in some form and that has been a kind of glue in the roughest parts. My relationship with Michael is the single most source of learning how to be an honest, functional, healthy, whole and happy person I have ever encountered in my life. I wish for you, and anyone really, this joy of being known and loved like this. I hope that helps and that she is receptive to you once more.

Yea been to Cornwall, bueatiful, so tranquil - i loved it!

Brighton is awesome too. I went to that quater of a million beach party of Fat Boy Slim, had you heard of it?

Where in Malta was he from?
Malta is tiny - 17miles wide by 5miles long..

I'm not entirely sure, I have not seen him for 8 years but I seem to recall him mentioning Valletta.

I think that is the capital though isn't it. I just remember him mentioning that in conversation so it might not be where he specifically comes from.

I would love to live in a villa in spain.. That would be a dream come true!

Still, I hear the Euromillions Jackpot has rolled over again so I will try and calculate my chances of winning.. LOL

Ahh yes Valletta is the capital of Malta.

God what would I do if I won that jackpot...
Get the shivers just thinking of it!

Good you have given her space and I do understand her fear of being uprooted and starting over in a strange place. She has issues she neds to work out. So far you've done the right thing here so stay on that path. Time will tell what comes next. I Don't believe you should wait very long at all to move on and find your own happiness. Just me, but I don't think it is a good idea to wait on maybe from some one who has a lot of work to do on themselves.

As Tal said you need to come to that point and either one of you moves near the other. That's why in my case it worked. I mean how long can 1 handle being apart from the other, and relationship can't evolve if you are not 24/7 togther.

I remember I cried so much when we had our first argument because in 1 and half yrs we never argued because we didn't see each other often enough, didn't know each other through and through, so its all part of a relationship and growing close to each other.

If there are excuses and opsticals between you 2 for either one of you to move then its not going to work. It will work only if you want it to work.