I have been married for 20 years. I've been with my husband since I was 17. I would say we have mainly stayed together because of our children and our financial situation. A lot of times we enjoy each other but a lot of times we do not. I know I am probably not the easiest person to get along with but I think I am being abused and just don't know it and I wonder if my relationship is normal. My husband never tells me he loves me. He always "pesters" me. If I'm sitting in a chair he will come up and scare me for no reason at all. If I'm in a shower he will come throw cold water on me and laugh. He calls me ugly, or fat, or stupid. He makes loud noises next to me or in my ear just to see me jump even though I have told him for 20 years that I HATE THAT.
After my mom died (last year) I started smoking because of all the stress etc. I know that smoking is bad. I get that but this morning when I woke up I went and bought a pack of cigarettes and had them sitting on my desk while I was on the computer. He grabbed them and started stomping on them. When I went to grab them from under his feet I "somewhat" screamed, "STOP THAT, don't do that, I just bought those". He grabbed me by the back of my hair and pulled me back up into the chair and said " you ". He didn't do it to where it hurt but it felt very uncomfortable. When I yelled back at him he called me a "piece of " and just left for work. He does this a lot but he can also be a good guy. When he is bad, he is bad. When things are good, they are very good. I've told him for 20 years that I can't handle this behavior and for 20 years he hasn't listened to me. Is this something I should consider divorcing him over or is it something I should just really learn to live with?? Thanks for any advice.

What he shows you, is not love. If he is a bully, and as immature as you say, I highly doubt that he is going to change after 20 years!

The problem with abusers is that if they are in a good mood, everybody has a good time. If something is stuck up their craw, everybody walks on eggshells. Eventually they will take their anger out, usually on a spouse, or child, and the circle keeps going around. It never stops, and there is always a next time.

It is impossible to predict when you are going to be startled, abused, yelled at, demeaned, insulted and crushed by his words and actions.

Nobody deserves to live like this. While I cannot judge you for staying, I know enough about these kinds of situations to say it is unlikely that after 20 years, he is going to change. It will probably get worse as he gets older.

This kind of behaviour is controlling, and meant to keep you in your place, wondering if you are causing it, and afraid to question it for fear of making it worse. Abusers count on that, and it is typical of how they control others.

The anger is probably masking fear of you figuring him out, and leaving. It is very important that you understand that if you do decide to leave, that you be prepared for more, not less, bad behaviour from him.

I would suggest that you visit a local shelter, and speak to a women's counsellor about what you are going through, and what her thoughts are on things.

She can also advise you on what resources are available, and how to access them.

I wish you luck, but unless he is capable of going through the very hard work of making changes in his own life to turn around and work on having a healthy relationship with you, I'd say it's pretty obvious what you have to do.

No, behavior like this isn't normal.

He's a bully and he does it because he knows he will get a reaction. You defending yourself or objecting only amps up his response. You've told him numerous times that you don't like it and he hasn't listened. This is a very bad sign. You don't have to put up with it, and of course divorce is a potential response.

You need to ask yourself if you're prepared to put in the work to make things change - especially given a previous post where you describe being attracted to another man.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/married-woman-love-old-ex-also-married-412710.html

Speak to a counselor or get some free legal advice, 20 years is more than enough time to be patient with a man like this. But, be very careful.

You're being abused and he's not going to change. You need to leave him and start working on getting your selfesteem back.
You don't deserve this.
Take care.