Hi I'm new to this forum, it's great to know where I can share my secrets... without much embarrassment

So this is the story. About 1.5 years ago, my boyfriend cheated on me. Well, technically, he sort of cheated on the other girl who he met during the summer but parted to different states. Couple of months later we met and he got into a relationship with me. They had an emotional affair that was sparse (talking phone/gmail, etc) but lasted and faded up until I found out 6 months into our relationship. It was the first time I'd been cheated on and it was insane. However, he was remorse and I know he is a good person, and even the best make mistakes so I decided to give him a second chance. Needless to say we went through a lot. He wasn't the one to admit things, and had hard time admitting to other details. I started snooping, naturally, and had a hard time dealing with him and just female friends. Just recently him and I have gotten to a stage in which we were openly talking about the cheating incident, with him giving some last details of the affair he never discussed prior. I know it's a huge step up, and let me first say that our relationship have found a new power since!

However, this story has turned into a "it's not him, it's me."

Yes he pushed me to the edge. And being the more possessive, skeptical person I am, I still snoop! I know I can trust him now, but I simply aren't completely doing so! I have faced a lot of deceit in my life with important male figures in my life, so I feel like this is now something I have to work out. I still sometimes snoop around his things, and I am easily jealous of female friends he stays in contact with, even if it's platonic.

Recently I went on his Facebook and found a message his first ex from years ago saying hi to him, wishing him happy holidays, etc. This is the ex he lost his virginity to, and whom he kept in contact with until recently when I showed I didn't like it ( I remember seeing a fb message he wrote to her right before we dated saying he had 'dreams' about her... so weird).

I know he has changed. I know this. But I feel like I want... almost need to delete it. Why? I donno, I don't want them to continue communication?

I don't know... what would you do? I know it's the insecure emotional thing in me saying to do it, but at the same time I just don't like him talking to his first love! Is this so wrong of me?

Leave it alone, why check up on him if he did all that, forget him and move on

I can't blame you for being insecure over a first love, but your actions are still over the top. You can't have trust. And still be a snoop. That will come back to bite you, and you can't let your past issues affect your present behavior, that too tends to come back, and bite you in the butt.

Change your behavior, by thinking before you act, and let your boyfriend know what your doing, and why, then reassure him that your trying to deal with your issues, so he can understand, and support you.

While I can understand that nowadays kids keep in touch with exes through all kinds of things we never had back in the day, a partner is supposed to love, trust, and support their other half, and that takes communications.

If he cannot, he isn't the one for you.

I would have him respond to that message in front of you.

I can understand your worry and your need to know if you're being cheated on again. It's tough getting over infidelity. But, if he hasn't done anything more in 1+ years to keep you suspicious, and you really feel in your heart that he's changed, then you need to stop worrying about it or end the relationship.

If she starts calling him "honey" or telling him that she loves him, then you should worry, but a simple "Happy Holidays" message sounds perfectly innocent to me.