Ok so my situation is a little different. There is a girl whom I've had a crush on and been best friends with since freshmen year. Back then I was too nervous to even say anything however after telling her my feelings this last year she admitted that since freshmen year she's felt the same way... However she has had a boyfriend for the last 2 years and just about 2 months ago broke things off with him. Since then we started kissing and hanging out a lot more and so forth. So basically just recently we have everything a relationship has without the commitment. She doesn't have anything else with any other boy that I know of, and given the strength of our relationship I know that she would tell me things such as that. I bring up commitment and she just says, "she doesn't want a boyfriend yet". I honestly believe that it has to do with the pain of her last breakup. She had never been with anyone else before him and he just recently got a girlfriend so she got really depressed. I don't know if she is nervous to get into another relationship especially with me given the strength of our relationship. We are basically best friends and so I think she may be afraid of losing me if it were to not work out, however we never fight and I don't think either of us has even been mad at the other given the level of communication we have. She is a genuine girl though, doesn't have "hookups", and she is honest in everything she says... I've known her for a long time and got to know her VERY well but lately I don't know what to do at this point. I need some advice...

If you guys feel as though the problem is that she may not be over her other boyfriend what can I do to help her gain closure? I can garauntee that they won't get back together given the fact that they haven't even talked since and he has a new girl friend.

I what can I do to help her overcome her fear of "losing" me if we were to breakup?

Your relationship is losing a lot more than just commitment. Love=commitment. Fighting and getting mad is normal and healthy for a relationship (unless it is excessive.) If you don't have the occasional argument, I would be a little worried.)

Give this girl some time and space. Don't keep kissing, etc. Slow things down. If she doesn't want a relationship, don't be in one with her. Be her friend and support her, but don't get emotionally involved until she has fully healed from the breakup. You can do this, by not getting her emotions and feelings mixed up into a relationship with you. Give her some space, and give her some time to heal emotionally on her own. It may take a while, so be patient. It takes a lot of respect to let a woman you really like, go her on her own to heal from a previous relationship.

Yeah... I mean like we have had tiny little instances where we've gotten angry but nothing that couldn't be resolved in less than a day... For instance she bought a pizza the other day and I carried it to her house vertical like a book, when we got home it was completely lopsided and she was pissed. But I flattened it back out and we both laughed it off.

It hard to not kiss her at all she goes in for a kiss every now and then and we've gotten really intimate excluding sex. Like I said it's like were dating but not official. So should I just stop kissing her... and not give her as many opportunities to kiss me? I mean, I just don't want her to think we've lost what were working towards because I'm settling down.

You may be working toward a relationship, but she is not. She is in the process of healing, and though your friendship is needed by her to move on, the romance part may never develop, as long as your making out and acting like a couple.

Generally after a break up, we are vulnerable for attention, and comfort. Your giving her that, but when she is stronger, she will no longer need you as a comfort or diversion. She was quite clear in her need to not be in a relationship, because she is afraid, and simply not ready to take a risk.

Unless you recognize that, and stop acting like a romantic couple, you will be devastated after she heals, and is ready to risk her heart again, because I doubt it will be with you. Chances are slim that that will happen.

Its not you, just your timing is a bit off. Sorry.

Give her space. Don't kiss or cuddle with her. I know you'd like to have a full-blown relationship with her, but she isn't ready for anything more than a friendship. I think she's just needy at the moment and it will pass. The problem is that when the neediness passes, you may not be the one ending up with her. :(

Why do you need a commitment with her? Because you kiss and hold hands and stuff like that? Take it easy. Let the relationship develop. She already told you she isn't ready for a committed relationship. Why frustrate yourself about that? If you come on too strongly before she is ready, your going to push her away. Give her time, stop worrying if she has any hang ups about her ex. Let her work that out on her own and give her some room to breathe. Be her friend and let things develop in there time. Relax, don't be so pushy and desperate. I see too many guys doing that these days and it gets them nowhere. Women do not like pushy, clingy guys. It turns them off. Let them come to you when they are ready and show them you can be happy either way.

Ever think the making out with you is to keep you coming back for more? Don't let the thrills stop you from setting personal boundaries. Females use their charms on us to get what they want, and she wants company, and attention. Like from a guy, but with no commitment. Then she doesn't have to go through the heart break of dumping you.

Stop thinking with the little head, or risk getting burned.

Talaniman Rule-Never ever mess with a person that has just broken up. You only think you'll get somewhere.

Ok so I had a long conversation with her yesterday about her reasoning behind her unwillingness to commit and kind of put it out there that it seems kind of like I'm being used as a crutch. Because of our closeness she didn't take this the wrong way like most girls would. I would have to say she is by far more mature than most girls her age. Anyway I came to the conclusion that she just isn't over her ex. She explained how she felt as though she was already committed to me and kind of saw it as a bad thing given her state of mind from her recent breakup. She realizes that it will and would never work out with him but she has just grown very attached to him for the last 2 years. Since their breakup 2 months ago they haven't even exchanged words, he's found a new girlfriend, and she caught in the middle. I feel as though I've caught her right in the transition. It's not like I've been pressuring her, I've explained to her that my curiousity towards her unwillingness to commit is purely for informational purposes, and it truly is... I give her as much space as she needs. The last few days I feel we have been closer than ever though. She came over tonight and we were sitting watching TV, she kissed me and I kind of gazed elsewhere thinking about what I've been told by all of you. She noticed and asked what's wrong. Due to our recent conversation I'm almost positive she knew what I was thinking. Stupidly we playfully kissed the rest of the night. Then later she noticed all of the songs on her ex's iPod got deleted and she feared what he would have to say when she returned it. Started crying explaining she didn't want to have to make the exchange of eachothers goods process more awkward than it was already going to be. I of course comforted her. For the rest of the night she kept thanking me for being there for her and telling me she loved me. Like I said, its as though we have everything in a relationship besides the official commitment. However, its not like I've given her an ultimatum. When I've talked about it in the past months its been to find out where she is in her feelings. For the first month I didn't really expect much because it was so close to the breakup, but now as it gets further away and we are growing closer and closer I'm just trying to make sure I come out on top. I know she has strong feelings towards me, and I have strong feelings towards her as well. Honestly I think the only thing keeping us apart is the fact that she hasn't had closure with her ex. I think after they exchange goods and have a final word she will be ready to commit. Like I said, she an honest kind hearted girl. She hasn't ever gotten intimate with anyone besides those she truly cares about.

It's not like I've been pressuring her, I've explained to her that my curiousity towards her unwillingness to commit is purely for informational purposes, and it truly is... I give her as much space as she needs.

While I agree your not pressuring her, just going along with her program, you are serving as a crutch and distraction, for someone who would normally be working through her feelings herself. That takes time, and your providing the "time flies when your having fun" part now.


For the first month I didn't really expect much because it was so close to the breakup, but now as it gets further away and we are growing closer and closer I'm just trying to make sure I come out on top.

When I read this, I cringed, as not only do you have an agenda, but are going about it the entirely wrong way. Seldom do people spend the time to nurse someone back to health, and get the reward of a relationship later. Its more often just the opposite happens. They leave when they get "cured". Know that and adjust your thinking.

The flaw in your logic, is your investing way too much into someone who is healing, and has no clue as to what she will feel or do when that healing is over, or how long that healing will last.



Honestly I think the only thing keeping us apart is the fact that she hasn't had closure with her ex. I think after they exchange goods and have a final word she will be ready to commit.

I don't, as exchanging goods is just the beginning of the healing process. She has already had her closure. And her anger, in deleting his songs from his IPod, (Come on, somehow they got deleted) and has waited for months now to exchange their stuff? Sorry buddy, that final word is going to be a conversation on what happened, and she will be devastated all over again, that it may be finally over, and has had a false hope all this time, and that he will change his mind, and she gets a second chance.

You cannot predict, or manipulate, the healing process for another, it takes as long as it takes, hence the warning of not investing a lot of time, and emotions, into someone that has been rejected, especially for another.

If the subject of you two comes up, I am willing to bet your just a friend, and if you could keep your thinking on that level, you would be better of, as your working hard for more than that, and I don't see that happens.

I hope you get what you want though. I really do.

Take your time and back off a bit. Let her deal with the breakup on her own. As Taliniman said, you are acting as her crutch right now, and when she heals, she won't need the crutch anymore.

talaniman, everything your saying makes sense... but how am I supposed to go about just going back to solid friends. Should I just talk to her and tell her where I'm coming from? Explain that I can't keep seeing her until she's out of her current mindstate, but I'm here for her and there is a place for her I'm my heart? Or just pull a solid no communication?

P.S. She plugged her iPod into my computer to charge it cause she uses Yahoo chat on it to talk to me. It started syncing and erased her songs... I fixed it though and retrieved them all. Haha

The way I have always dealt with comforting a friend, is keep my feelings to myself, and just be a friend.

Does that mean being available as an emotional tampon? NO! And no way do I cross the line between acting like a couple, or being a friend. Nor would I allow her too.

Limit your time to comfort her, anything over once a week is too much, unless boundaries are set and kept.

Your going along with her program, and timetable, instead of having your own, and you don't see that you both have a different hidden agenda.

K so I unexpectadly had a long conversation with her. I told her I needed to have a serious dicussion with her, and she wouldn't wait until later. So I just explained that I've known that her heart has been in a different place all this time and I can't allow myself to provide the cake and let her eat it too... So basically I can't keep allowing myself to become intimate with her until she heals and we are on the same playing field.

At first when I just said that I need to quit seeing her like I have she asked what I meant by that and after explaining she timidly said, "ok" and was asking if I was angry.

Then I explaining that I was ending this because I wanted to give her time to heal before we got serious and that I won't allow myself to keep putting myself through the confusion and uncertaintity of a half assed relationship. I went on to state that I still love her and am always going to be here for her like I always have, but I need to set my boundaries. I know that the thrills now will just lead to heartache on my half in the future, if we keep up the intimacy without her commitment.

After that she just replied "I'm sorry I'm leaving. I gotta get out of here" and hasn't said anything since... She's at home so I'm guessing she left so I can't call her given she doesn't have a cell.

I mean I guess I kind of gave her an ultimatum, however I left the door open... Explaining how I'd like to pursue a relationship with her when her heart is healthy but can't right now since her heart is elsewhere...

The last few times we've hung out I've caught myself staring into nothing after we've kissed, basically just thinking about everything I have just told her...

Update,

So basically I hung out with her on new years and went to the mall with her and her friends. It was kind of awkward. She still acting kind of clingy still however we didn't kiss or anything. Her friends decided to go to a party and she wanted to hangout with me instead. We went to my house and sat and watched a movie. Then stupidly I started tearing up and kissed her. I was just thinking about our whole situation and it just hit me. When the ball dropped she kissed me again and then went home. Again we talked the next few days about where we were. And I told her I just want to give her time. and that she needed to make an effort to heal, first by giving back all his stuff...

Two days ago she finally decided to talk to her ex. They settled their differences and scheduled a time for him to pick up his stuff the next day. Yesterday he finally came and got his stuff from her house. They sat and talked for a few hours and then he left. She was super depressed the rest of the day and kept trying to tell me how sad she was. Not wanting to be her emotional crutch, I just kept my responses short such as "be strong" , "it will all get easier with time", and so on... Also whenever she would bring it up I'd immediately change the conversation and start talking about other things.

Today she seems to be doing much better and hasn't brought him up yet. Im trying to talk about it as little as possible with her. I also don't think it would be best that we hung out at this time so I've been telling her that I'm busy so she doesn't even bring it up.

Then you step even further back and stay busy doing your own thing,her healing is her business,let her handle it.

I see a big problem here fella. You still think you can play this friendship game to keep her close, and have a relationship later? I really doubt that.

For one its like your using friendship to stay close, and that's not a true friend at all, but an opportunist who is trying to manipulate someone's feelings, while they are vulnerable.

Sure your ultimatum left the door open, but only for what you want, and not any real choice there either, as she wants you for romance, or nothing, what about just friends?

You already can have her as a friend, but as long as your motive is for more, you will be a lousy friend at best. Your already showing you can't let her vent her feelings about her ex, and that's a very screwed up version of No Contact.

I think you do better being honest with yourself, that you can't handle friends now, and do some healing yourself, instead of charading as a friend, trying to influence her decision. For sure she should do her own healing around real friends, and there is no telling how long that will take.

Let me ask you, how would you feel if after all that "friendship", she chooses someone else to date and have a romance with? Be honest!

In no way am I trying to manipulate her feelings. Im just trying to help her move on and be able to live her life without being hung up on the past... I guess I need to start putting how I'm thinking and feeling in my updates.

Me and her talked about this... She said she felt as though I was giving her an ultimatum (have me or lose me). However my intentions weren't for it to come off that way and I told her that. I told her that I don't want to make her feel like I'm pressuring her into anything and no matter what we'll always be close. I want it to be solely her decision. I just don't want to get any closer until I know she's ready. I told her I would no longer bring up commitment, I'd wait for her. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. If she didn't want a relationship and I saw her with someone else sure I'd be devastated but I wouldn't be able to just forget her and not be "just" friends, and I can honestly say that. I liked her before she committed to her ex and was sad at that point but we still stayed close and I waited... We've been too close for too long. I don't think you guys understand how close we've been the last 4 years. I tell her EVERYTHING and she tells me EVERYTHING. We're both not ashamed to tell each other how we feel. Like I said were basically in a relationship that hasn't been set in stone. She told me she wants to be 100% focused on me first before we proceed to commitment, and until she gets over her ex she can't do that. Her ex has a girlfriend though so its not like they'd be getting back together. I've been taking your guys advice and laying off this whole fantasy I have of us as a couple. Right now I'm just waiting for her to heal, and once she's ready we'll go from there and see if it will work. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this girl is true to her word. She doesn't do anything unless there is meaning behind it and she tells me everything.

One thing I do want to ask... I know I said I had kind of been avoiding talking to her about her emotions right now post-exchange of goods... Do you think that's a good idea, or should I be there for her and talk her through it? Also would it be bad idea to hangout with her?

I think your to emotionally invested, to be objective.

I also think its false hope to be waiting to see how someone feels about you, when they have their own emotional problems, and I also think that acting as a couple, and being her emotional tampon is not healthy, and your way to available even as a friend.

If your life were a lot more balanced with other things, maybe you could be her as a friend, but as it is, I'm not seeing this working out well for you. Especially if she heals, and still doesn't want a commitment to you.

You seem to think its just a matter of time before you will have what you want.

I stand by my most recent post-leave her to heal from her breakup. In addition stop being her crutch.

Help her gain closure, by not messing with her feelings! Her feelings have been hurt. If you really care for her, respect her and give her some space until she clearly states to you that she is ready for a relationship! It all comes down to respect, plain and simple. If you cannot respect the girl and her feelings, you will not do a very good job of loving her like she deserves, if and when that ever happens. Love is not true unless there is respect.

I think, I'm over thinking this... it really shouldn't be so complicated. Thanks for everyone's advice. I appreciate it.

Time to step back and watch her grow

About 2 months ago I started seeing a very good friend of mine, however we are not official. We started hanging out for a few weeks after she broke up with her boyfriend and then I kissed her for the first time after her birthday dinner in November. Since then, we've become A lot closer, however she is still not ready to commit. We've told each other that we are falling in love with one another but we are waiting until she is 100% ready for a relationship. She says she considers commitment as marriage and is afraid of going through another difficult breakup. Grief-wise, I feel as though she has escaped denial, anger, and bargaining phase's and is between the depression and acceptance in her breakup. However I think she is leaning more towards acceptance from my understanding and I've do everything I can to cheer her up. We are basically verbally committed however it isn't official. She says she isn't looking for anyone else right now, and I'm focused on my relationship with her and have been refraining from even talking to other women. To give you an idea of our relationship... we argue like a couple, have sat and cried together, tell each other everything, and her mom says that the only time she ever see's her smile is when she is with me. However, we both have different views on our commitment at this point. I feel as though it would give me security, knowing that I wouldn't lose her. She is afraid of commitment because she fears of losing me like she did her ex. I don't know though.. Maybe I'm looking at it all wrong and just need to take her word for now.

But, what should I do to help her overcome this fear? I mean, I've told her I'm here for the longrun, but she just comes back at me with "thats what he said... people fall out of love you know". I hate to be compared with her ex, but I don't blame her. I just wish I could help her gain faith in the lasting longivity of our relationship.

I care about this girl like I have nobody else and just want us to do what's best.

It is way too early for her, you are a rebound keeping her from facing the grieving process.

She needs to make it through this process alone to make a healthy transition into being single and ready for a new relationship.

I don't know what you expect for answers, but you are hindering her growth and your relationship will pay the price if you continue to pursue her.

She's still healing from her breakup and any relationship she becomes involved in before she has completed the healing process will be a rebound.

She really should be on her own now-or she'll run the risk of dragging out her getting over breaking up with her ex.

She broke up with her ex in October, we hung out for a month like we always had in the past and then after I kissed her we started moving on with our relationship. She gave back all of her ex's stuff about a month ago and they sat and talked tieing up any loose ends. It's not like we hadn't told each other how we felt before that, but she was just in a relationship at the time and was focused on her ex. Before she got a boyfriend we hung out a lot but I was always too nervous to tell her how I felt. Then when she was no longer single her boyfriend would freak out every time we hung out so we didn't really see each other very much. I told her how I felt about a 1.5 years ago and she said that she had always felt the same way, but at that point she was committed to someone else. We tell each other everything but she never really has brought up her grief of him, to me. I've kept my distance refraining from being her so called "emotional crutch" as much as possible, and at this point I'm just waiting for her to be completely ready. I think part of her lack of official commitment may have to do with the fact that she doesn't want to feel as though it is a rebound... In all honestly I think our situation is different than the usual. We are VERY close and I know she wouldn't use me like your insisting. Her feelings are real, she told me how she felt before they brokeup... More so she has explained to me in the past, even before our relationship, that she doesn't even kiss someone unless she has strong feelings and recently we've been on the verge of having sex. However, I suggested, and we've agreed that we won't make love until the time is perfect.

This is way, way too early to be jumping into a new relationship with you already - especially if you see her clearly going through stages of grief.

You asked how you can help her overcome her fear, but in the same breath you "want to do what's best". I can't help but feel there's a serious conflict of interest here. Have you ever thought of the possibility that what's best for her, may not necessarily what's best for her (at least right now)? I don't feel that it's fair at all that you're already asking her for a commitment - not only is she clearly not ready but she's still recovering from her previous relationship.

When we truly care about someone, we also have to keep in mind what's best for them. Unfortunately she may be unknowingly be using you to help her with her grief. Am I denying that there may be some real genuine feelings? Absolutely not. Perhaps in a different time and circumstance a relationship may have flourished of its own accord but this does not seem right. You may be thinking that you're the best thing for her right now, but the way I see it is that the best thing for her is to allow her to completely get over her previous relationship without any pressure from a new one.

If you truly care about this girl like you have nobody else, I hope you take a moment to step back and think about this situation objectively.

Im not directly asking her for her commitment. That's the thing, We have talked about this and both agreed that we want this to be a no pressure situation on both sides. In no way have I given her an ultimatum. I'm going to be here for her no matter the relationship status. I just would like to have a relationship with this girl. I've been taking it slow and acting on her move. We tried to completely stop being lovers when the grief initially hit her, and it lasted for a while but was really awkward for both of us when we hung out. We talk... and talk about everything and all of our feelings. I just want to know what we can do to get through this rough patch while continuing to keep my foot in the door, "in her mind", physically and emotionally. I fear that if I let go of what we have so far, for her to "fully heal", That I may lose my chance. I realize this is a possible outcome and like I said, I'm still going to stick around. I'm not going to run and completely subtract myself form her life. And again... I feel that she is between accepting her breakup and moving on... Recently a friend of hers is going through a breakup and she is giving her friend advice on how to move on, which I feel is a good sign. Honestly I think that she is about 90% over him and ready to move on. She has told me before that she doesn't think it is fair to me, to start a committed relationship with me until she is 100% ready. I know its not that fact that she wouldn't be able to have a relationship with other people that pushes her from commitment. I'm almost positive it's just because she wants to be 100% sure before she gets into a committed relationship, so she will feel 100% confident that she won't lose me and have to suffer a broken heart again. That's why like I said we've agreed to take it slow.

She broke up with her ex in october, we hung out for a month like we always had in the past and then after I kissed her we started moving on with our relationship.

You are not understanding, she isn't ready for a relationship, she needs time for herself. This is a process that she alone has to go through. You are using your friendship and foundation to advance your own agenda, but she is not ready and shouldn't be expected to be.


We tell eachother everything but she never really has brought up her grief of him, to me.

A red flag that she isn't ready.


I've kept my distance refraining from being her so called "emotional crutch" as much as possible, and at this point im just waiting for her to be completely ready.

Keeping your distance is not enough. Break up are a difficult experience, the comfort of another person is hard to resist for anyone, but that makes you a replacement/rebound, not a new love. Even if she thinks she is ready/begins a relationship with you, it is built on a foundation of rebound behavior. It takes two people to break up a relationship, it is never a one person event. Until she handles this situation alone, she will not have grown enough to have a fulfilling relationship with you.


I think part of her lack of official commitment may have to do with the fact that she doesn't want to feel as though it is a rebound... In all honestly I think our situation is different than the usual.

Every relationship is different, yet as humans we are too similar in character to make every situation THAT different.


We are VERY close and I know she wouldn't use me like your insisting.

Not on purpose.


Her feelings are real, she told me how she felt before they brokeup... Moreso she has explained to me in the past, even before our relationship, that she doesn't even kiss someone unless she has strong feelings and recently we've been on the verge of having sex. However, I suggested, and we've agreed that we won't make love until the time is perfect.

Yes, she has real feelings, in fact, she is probably very confused and torn about getting involved and moving on so quickly. YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR HER, NOT YOU.

I just want to know what we can do to get through this rough patch while continuing to keep my foot in the door, "in her mind", physically and emotionally. I fear that if I let go of what we have so far, for her to "fully heal", That I may lose my chance.

How very selfish and insecure of you.

You will make an ideal rebound.

You're the scape goat for now, you hold her together so she doesn't fall apart dealing with her break up. Look at it this way, take a building with 2 main support beams, she had her boyfriend and then lost him so now you are her main support, she will use you as support until she finds another person to help her out. And if she doesn't deal with this break up alone, the next one will be even worse.

I guess I'm going about this all wrong. I mean I don't want to hurt her either by breaking everything we have off, cause I know it was awkward when we tried it last time.

And again I don't think you're understanding... Im not expecting her to be ready for a relationship RIGHT NOW... Im simply asking for advice on what I should do to help her out. It's not like I'm impatient. I've waited 4 years for this opportunity and I just don't want to screw it up.

And you aren't understanding us. There is nothing YOU can do to help her, she needs to conquer this demon on her own.

How very selfish and insecure of you.

You will make an ideal rebound.

When I say I don't want to step back and "allow her to heal completely" I'm not saying I don't want her to heal. I want more than anything for her to accept what happened and realize what she has right in front of her. I honestly do think I can love this girl forever.

And you aren't understanding us. There is nothing YOU can do to help her, she needs to conquer this demon on her own.

Touche'.

Understood.

I guess I've just been thinking that there must be something I can do to help her, and feeling bad for failing to help her fully recover. Everything I do is done with good intentions, I guess I just need to think things out and realize I need to do what's best for her rather than what "I" feel is best for us.

And since we've already tried to pause our relationship for the time being (until she completely healed) and failed, I guess I feel as though letting her go right now would basically be losing her and I'm scared and not ready. I've built up very strong feelings over the years.

And since we've already tried to pause our relationship for the time being (until she completely healed) and failed, I guess I feel as though letting her go right now would basically be losing her and I'm scared and not ready. I've built up very strong feelings over the years.

In a sense, for you this is a break up even though the 'committed relationship' hasn't really happened.

Be honest with her (and yourself) that you both need time and space to get back on your feet. Both of you need to go out and meet new people and have new experiences. Build up your own lives to create a stronger and more stable foundation should, IN THE FUTURE, you become an actual couple. Right now, the foundation is very uneven and no matter how hard you try you cannot support her share as well as your own.

GreenGo >I feel as though it would give me security, (becoming an official couple) knowing that I wouldn't lose her.

Dude, It's been a month. You're insecure and need to let go of that idea of pushing for commitment or you will push her away. She already knows your feelings.
Hang out with her for the next 12 months and make it so much fun she will forget her past.
If you want it to last, let her come to you naturally for that commitment. For the moment, she's not sure of herself and is using you for comfort. Just enjoy your time together. You can lose someone you care for at any time, there is no security in this world.

GreenGo >I feel as though it would give me security, (becoming an official couple) knowing that I wouldn't lose her.

Dude, It's been a month. You're insecure and need to let go of that idea of pushing for commitment or you will push her away. She already knows your feelings.
Hang out with her for the next 12 months and make it so much fun she will forget her past.
If you want it to last, let her come to you naturally for that commitment. For the moment, she's not sure of herself and is using you for comfort. Just enjoy your time together. You can lose someone you care for at any time, there is no security in this world.

I feel like this is kind of what I want to hear. I'm not pushing her for commitment. I mean I've brought it up like twice in the last 2 months. But I haven't made it a huge deal to her. Lately I've just been hanging out with her and letting our relationship grow. I want our commitment to happen naturally.

It's like I know what I need to do, but at the same time I want to do the opposite even though I know its not the right thing. I guess is what I'm trying to say is I don't want to give her the feeling that she can have her cake and eat it to, but I don't want her to think that I'm giving her my all when I could be providing so much more. Im in a whirlwind of emotion right now.

For now, I'm just going to give her her time to heal. I'm not even going to bring up commitment unless she does so herself. I'm just going to continue hanging out with her and showing her a good time. I need to abolish the hopes of a relationship from my mind, just in case it falls apart down the road.

K so today I decided to finally contacted a girl that I had a relationship in the past with. (lets call her girl 2) I was talking to her to say sorry, because after we ended things I basically chewed her out because she kind of lied to me and was dating a douche. So I talked to her and apologized and basically just said that I didn't want there to be any grudge between us... the girl agreed and we talked for a bit. (trust me this is going somewhere) The girl is friends with the said girl I've been talking about in my previous posts. (refer to that girl as girl 1) Well I told girl 1 that I contacted girl 2 and apologized. Then girl 1 started freaking out because she felt as though the apology meant that I still had feelings for girl 2. This is not true and I explained it to girl 1, but she won't believe me. I can tell she is really sad about it, and honestly IDK what to do because I truly don't have feelings for girl 2, I just wanted to be able to get along with her since girl 1 and 2 are friends. What Shall I do..

One thing I learned is to always stay away from exes no matter what. Especially with a new girl around. Just me though. This can be a problem as I would expect the same from my partner now so that may cause some trouble and be called trust issues on my part but I see it as disrespectful. What do you think?

As you're not in a committed relationship with 'girl 1' technically it should'nt matter who you talk to.

However,there you are,presenting yourself as her rock and her shoulder to cry on,so,any trust issues that she has from her breakup are bound to resurface.

This is what you get when you try to be a rebound.

I don't really have any ex's that I even hang out with and technically girl 2 wasn't an ex :/ It was a girl I used to be really good friends with and then we tried a relationship about 1.5yrs ago and it didn't work out... There was an instance though about a year ago where I was drunk and called the girl and said I still had feelings and then basically ed her out for having a dbag boyfriend... Insanely Stupid. I haven't drank since. But that's why I apologized today. Plus we used to talk about everything and I figured since she knows girl 1 better than anyone else that I feel comfortable talking to, that it may benefit our relationship, that is as soon as she realizes I'm completely 100% over this girl.

That's kind of what I said to her when we talked... I asked her why she is even mad. I know she's just scared because her ex reassured her and then found someone else. I know she'll get over it. We had a long phone conversation tonight and she was much more calm and gathered by the end of it. I just kept reassuring her that I'm in it for the longrun. It's nice to see that she actually cares though. I worried in the past about how strongly she felt because at times when she was angry she told me to do what I wanted, however I never left. At the same time I was kind of irritated that I was basically being compared to her ex... Its not a huge deal though because I know that she will come around and realize. This has probably been the biggest arguement/fight we've been in so far. And even though I still believe that she has her doubts, I'm more confident than ever now because I know for sure that she is in this to the same extent as I am.

It basically makes commitment a nonissue for me because I know she is in this for all the same reasons. I know that she just wants to be confident before we commit and in all honesty I want to have the confidence as well before I commit. Therefore I'm just working on showing her that I am here for her for the longrun and that I truly care about her. As well as just having a good time with her.

Ok so the last 5 or so months I've been with this girl. We never really labeled our relationship but we both knew how the other felt. In the beginning of our relationship we had some small problems with her not being over her ex, however he had a girlfriend. More recently, I'd say within the past month and a half or so she has said that she is officially over him and is more comfortable giving her all to our relationship. 2 days ago he randomly showed up to her house balling asking for her back. That same day she was telling me about their encounter and it sounded to me like she was really considering getting back with him. She said things such as, "I thought I was over him until he showed up and the chance of us being back together was waved in front of my face". At that time this made me angry and I felt used so I told her just that. I basically told her that she had been faking her feelings with me this whole time and using me. This hurt her feelings tremendously. At the time I could tell she was pissed off but the next morning I discovered that she was devastated. She didn't plan on getting back with her ex, and this made me feel like . Honestly I just kind of snapped and said a lot of things that I shouldn't have. I didn't say anything about how my feelings towards her changed but I just said a lot doubting her feelings towards me. Basically, I called her fake.

I apologized that day over the phone, brought a rose and a note over to her house while she was at school, and then showed up at her house randomly and apologized again. She wasn't having it though, she thinks that I was saying what I truly thought when I was angry and not getting my own way. She feels as though I'll always think that she is just using me. Honestly that is not the case. At the time I was being selfish and inconsiderate to what had just happened. I've told her all of this and still she gives me a head shake or nonchalant eye roll. She says that she feels as though she has lost all feelings towards me and is honestly just numb by the situation. Instead of helping her deal with her ex, I contributed to the pain.

So now she is dealing with school, her ex's return, me, her neverending stomach problems caused from stress...

Idk what to do now. I've basically just told she doesn't need anymore stress in her life so she should stop worring about us, and spend some time to herself thinking, while at the same time allowing me to be there for her. What else should I do...

First off, this girl told you from the start she wasn't over her ex, and you accepted this and continued to have a relationship with her. So if anything, to her, that would mean that she thinks you are OK with this! Why on earth get involved with someone who isn't over there previous partner. This girl obvoiusly doesn't know what she wants, and your relationship will never work until she has time to heal on her own from her previous relationship. She was using you for your company, you knew this. When your partner tells you 5 months later that she is now ready to give her all in the relationship, you must of knew she wasn't giving her all before!
I would just give her space. You guys need to start over anyway, so just leave her alone and see what she does. I would in the meantime continue your life and not be waiting for her. Don't you want a girl who puts you before there ex?

I don't know anything about this girl's stress but you?YOU obviously have to deal with stress also!
The ex just shows up and then she is considering breaking up with you!
I think it was normal to get angry after her. What were you supposed to do? Sit and say OK fine I still love you so much?
Don't blame yourself.
You seem not to be the first in her eyes... Sorry to say this but how in the world have you been selfish?
You deserve a girl who puts you first.

The reason you have so much trouble with the females is you don't know when to quit, and leave them alone.

You just keep pushing, and pushing, and screwing things up.

GreenGo, You need to give her time to heal. She hasn't had that yet. Until she has spent some time ON HER OWN, she will be in danger of the next relationship being a rebound.

Your feelings are so caught up in this that she can't tell you what she was thinking without you shutting down and hearing the worse. That shows how much you don't trust that she is ready for a relationship with you. I think you were a bit more truthful in your rant than you want to think you were.

Give yourselves time and some distance.

The last fight got resolved, she doesn't really talk to her ex anymore. They have hungout but I was with them. She sees him more as a friend now and I am sure of this. That's the least of my issues now...

We've talked more about started a legitimate relationship a few days ago and she said "soon, im just scared". So then I almost thought she was ready until yesterday.

Now she's complaining about my past. In the past I hooked up with girls for the hell of it. I also had one case where I had a fling with one of her friends and said a lot of stuff describing my feelings for her. They have talked and now she can't take to heart any of the stuff I say to her because she thinks this is all the same.

Everything will be going perfect for like 2 weeks at a time and then she'll bring up something that happened months ago and start fighting with me about it. I try to be passive and just let her vent but I don't want to not defend myself and have her thinking the things she accuses me of to be true. However I don't like arguing because it never gets anywhere. I apologize, defend myself, and reassure her of our future... and she tells me I'm lying, doesn't believe me, and says she can't stop thinking about my past.

The fighting is just getting old. I mean its not all the time but it's honestly over stupid stuff and if I try to downsize it she get pissed and says I'm not considering her feelings. The last fight was over her finding a comment on a girl's (whom I had sex with one time years ago and whom has been a family friend for over 6 years) myspace. I call the girl my stalker and always tell her stories of how weird this girl was. The comment was from 6 months ago saying "lets hangout". Im thinking I posted it because she probably said something like "I havent seen you in a long time". This was before the girl got really creepy and was doing weird stuff to try to contact me such as sending her mom to my house. After she started getting weird I cut off all contact. Yet she found this comment from 6 months ago and is trying to say I lied to her and am being fake by calling this girl my stalker if I really do want to hangout with her. However, like I said the message was from before she started getting really creepy...

She's just a hypocrite, hanging out with her boyfriend and then getting mad at me when I say something to a girl I swore I didn't have feelings for, 6 months ago.

IDK if its insecurities... because she scared... combined with the fact that she's on her period. I have never really had any serious relationships in the past but I've been ready to settle down and now that I met her and try to develop a meaningful relationship rather than a hookup. I tell her all of this and she just refers to my past, saying that I've said the same things to girls in the past and then went off and hooked up with girls again when it didn't work.

This is different though and I don't know how to get that point across to her. She has made me realize how much I've messed up my past and how much I took for granted sex and true feelings. I've told her I want everything that we do to mean something and have emotion behind it rather than just be for the hell of it and solely for pleasure.

Must be tough trying to make someone feel like you do. She doesn't though and no matter how hard you push, she never will. Not in your time any way.

Talaniman Rule- When you see a brick wall, don't go head first into it, and expect to get on the other side.

Your trying way to hard to get something from her, she isn't ready to give.

At the risk of hitting my head on a brick wall:

ALL that you have said about her actions point to someone who doesn't know what she wants or how she feels. Your actions (whether you realize it or not) point to someone who is trying to influence her actions and feelings. This is not a healthy relationship either as a romantic relationship or or a friendship.

She isn't ready for a serious relationship with anyone. She is still dealing with the fall-out from the last one. She needs time ON HER OWN to let the past go and to heal.

Threads merged yet again! >sigh<
I have been dating this girl for about 5.5 months now. Since we've been dating she sometimes will talk to her ex boyfriend. They are trying to remain friends even though they had a difficult breakup. She tries to ignore him most of the time but sometimes she will have lengthy conversations with him. She has no means to ever get back together with him and sees right through him, although stuff from the past still upsets her when brought up. There has been about 3 times in the past 5.5 months that he has brought up stuff from the past and it almost seems like he does it just to hurt her. For instance when we first started dating he told her, "just make sure he(me) knows that if he(me) breaks your heart like I did I will..." Bringing up the fact that he broke her heart. He also asked her to promise him that we will never do anything at the place they first had sex... which make her very upset, because it was when she lost her virginity. The thing is he will say things like "I know your going to be sad but..." before he says these things.

My question is what do I do? I mean Im always there for her no matter the situation. We've been best friends for 4 years and I've always been there for her. I would say her have a very strong relationship, but I just hate seeing her upset when he does stuff like this. I feel obligated to confront him, but I feel like she would get angry with me. He thinks I hate his guts and don't like them hanging out at all... Which is partially true, but mostly because of the fact that he talks the way he does around her and hurts her feelings. I have no problem with them being friends, but conversations like that should never take place. What should I do? Just be there for her the best that I can? Say something? Organize a meeting with the 3 of us and explain to him how I feel about it? I don't know what to do.

It sounds to me like he wants her to remember that they were together. He might feel guilty and wants to talk about it too, but he is not doing the right thing by hurting her. If I were you, I'd have a talk with her and say something like "look, I know you're still trying to be friends, I understand that, but if he's so worried abotu the fact that he hurt you and feels bad about it, then he shouldn't be bringing it all up again when he knows it will hurt you more. I think that you should tell him to talk to someone else about his feelings instead of dumping them on you and making things harder for us. If you don't talk to him, I feel like I'm going to have to ask him to stop bringing those things up. I see what it does to you and it's not fair to either of us. I hate seeing you relive any sort of pain."

Obviously you're going to want to put some of it in your own words, but try to just be direct, not harsh. Say it in a calm tone and show that you're concerned. It's very important that if she's feelign upset, you don't accidentally send the message that you're mad at her for all of this, because she could feel like it's all her fault. You want her to know that you're being supportive of her and that you're upset with HIS actions. If there is something you need tobring up with her, make sure you do it when neither of you are upset or angry.

Good luck, I hope this guy leaves her alone honestly. If he hurt her so bad then she really needs to be away from him so that she can heal, and it sounds like he's not allowing you to do that and you're left sitting there to pick up the pieces.

Thank you.

At the beginning of our "relationship" (whgen we weren't technically official) she would have withdrawals and still had little feelings for him. However she knew it would never work and she couldn't trust him anymore. So she would get depressed for a while and then I'd have to sit and cheer her up. The last about 3 months ago she told me that she was completely over him and she was ready to move on with me. This was before we were technically "official" but we had been seeing each other for about 2 months by then. About a week after that he broke up with his new girlfriend and dumped a load of feelings on her. She immediately was reminded of her past and told me she thought she was over him but his return sparked her feelings again... Just recently, 3 months later, she told me she was 100% ready to give me all of her focus, we went official. He recently told her all the stuff I mentioned previously. Like I said we have a very strong relationship. I know she doesn't want to get back with her ex but he was her first love and the guy she lost her virginity to so obviously when he mentions the past it upsets her.

She wants to be his friend, and he wants to be her friend. I just want her to not have to deal with her feelings getting hurt by him. I don't care whether they are friends or not.

Just for reference, I'm very confident with our relationship.

I think this needs merging with your previous thread,as it concerns the same problem.

Why even attempt a friendship with someone who acts in a hurtful manner?

To me that seems really odd.

I know you want this to work,
But I can't help wondering if she has really closed the door on her previous relationship.

Its none of your business how she handles an ex, because for one, she will never heal trying to be friends, and accepting bad behavior from him. My question is, why do you keep starting threads about this girl, but never take the advice given? What is it you're looking for? You are nothing but a cushion for a female that has yet to face her misery with honest solutions that allow her to heal, and really your own actions have made it comfortable not to.

But of course you can't see that through your own single minded, selfish, scared, stubborn self, but you will, and its going to hurt like hell, but you'll see.