I’m very analytical & logical and process my emotions very carefully. I’ve taken time; stepped back and slowly, carefully evaluated the situation. Evaluated her (my ex), myself, & the relationship in total. The end truth here is that I met, and subsequently lost, “the one”.

Real love/true happiness is rare. “The one” comes along only once, maybe twice in a lifetime—if you’re lucky. Well I can honestly say I found the person I always dreamed of but never thought existed. And lost her. How does one go on knowing this? How to carry on knowing there’s no one better than your ex?

The situation, in brief:

We met during the most tumultuous period in my life & I made many terrible mistakes and caused her lots of suffering (not my intention of course). I was irresponsible with her feelings. I mistreated her for a long time and on top of that I made several monumental mistakes.

I won’t sugar coat it, you may consider me to be the villain in the relationship. Together, we experienced the highest-of-highs and the lowest-of-lows. She has flaws too of course (extremely temperamental for instance), but the good well outweighed the bad. I’m now suffering badly for having lost her. And I will be the first to tell you that I probably deserve every ounce of suffering that comes my way for my sins—and more. I’m filled with endless regret over it all.

And, well….as these things usually go….about two months ago; she completely deleted me out of her life. Deleted off Facebook, and her friends, no phone, no texts, no emails, nothing; absolutely no contact no matter how hard I try. I know her well and am coming to terms with the knowledge I’ll never see nor speak to her again for as long as I live. I won’t so much as even have a chance meeting with her.

I can find other girls, sure. But I don’t want that. I don’t want someone else. I want her. And I won't settle. How can I move on knowing I found perfection and now it’s gone forever? I’m all too aware of just how extremely wonderful & rare my ex is. The things I want/need in a companion truly do not exist within anyone else. That's the truth. No other girl can ever hope to measure up.

Going back isn't an option, she's well gone now. But there's no going forward either. How to carry on knowing there’s no one better than your ex?

I know it's really hard for you to let this girl go, but as you said, "going back isn't an option".

Time is one of the things that will help you heal and move on. When someone plays such an important part in your life, I know you can't imagine a time without them. But use this time to regroup with old friends and lean on your new friends as much as you can. Don't feel uncomfortable or like you're imposing yourself on someone if you need to talk, email, text, or hang out with friends often. Everyone goes through a period like this and sometimes you go through it more than once. Also, try keeping yourself as busy as you can with as many hobbies and interests as you can.

Hellen Keller once said: "when one door closes, another opens". The problem is that we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we dont see the one that has opened for us. Take your time healing, then start looking for that open door.

First realising that there is no one that is "the one" we make our relationships by hard work, by communication and by sharing.

Next sorry but there is always someone better than an ex, first they will be there for us and it will be a current not a memory, that into itself is better to start.

Bbut go on by making a list ( if you must) of all the bad things, and it will help remind you that it is easy to find better.

I just don't know how to carry on knowing there’s no one better than my ex. She was the most rarest of creatures, everyone else pales in comparison. No one can or will come close. And I refuse to "settle" for less. How can I hope to carry on with the knowledge that no one will ever be able to stack up?



Bbut go on by making a list ( if you must) of all the bad things, and it will help remind you that it is easy to find better.

She certainly had her flaws. She was temperamental and moody, and other things. But the good outweighed the bad by a very wide margin. She was pretty damned perfect, for me. All things considered, she was practically tailor made for me.

By you saying that you have met someone that no one else can compare to is like you saying that you have met the perfect person. NOT POSSIBLE. You have to learn to mourn the loss of your relationship and move on. It's possible for you to meet someone else that will enlighten you and bring joy to your life. The main thing that I am finding of concern is your statements and your apparent sense of not wanting to move on. You can't say that "everyone" pales in comparison because you haven't met "Everyone". How old are you? <-no harm intended? Just curious.

No offence taken. I'm in my mid-to-late twenties.

You're right to detect I'm having trouble moving on. On the one hand I understand it's over, that there's no going back. But on the other I'm aware of what a massive loss this is. She's irreplaceable. There's nothing else like her out there.

Sure, I can/will meet others, but they aren't going to compare. I could live several lifetimes and meet every woman who has ever lived and still not find better. I'm absolutely convinced of it. This isn't naivety speaking; I have plenty of life experience and am well aware of what else is out there. And nothing can or will compare. There is no equal.

And that's what I'm reeling from. I don't know how to cope with that reality--the reality of knowing she was it.

But she is not, anyone can be replaced, but you are not replacing her, you have no one, so you are finding someone, that is far different from replacing.

But no, you are in a stage where you don't know how to live with life, but you are considering false facts as real,

If after a month or two, you are still like this, you will or should consider professional counseling

regretfullness, there are better girls out there! Trust me I said the same garbage before haha
Right now your too depressed to even think about another woman, but when you get out there, ull realize there are good people out there
I thought my ex was the one, turns out it wasn't
How can you be so convinced she's the one?
U know these could be one of those "it happens" for a reason kind of thing, I'm sure your not the first guy to think or has come on here thinking "she's the only one" -.-

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond thus far, please keep them coming...

Young_Cardinal, I know how this must appear to you and everyone else whose reading & what you must be thinking: "He (me) is just hurt, it's all very recent (if two months ago is recent), he is broken hearted, is too close to the situation to think clearly, it's not the end of the world, that there are other girls out there, everyone goes through this, it takes time" etc.

I'll say this... I've given this tremendous thought; I mean I've really stepped back and analyzed everything. And in my heart of hearts I know she will never be equaled. She is the rarest of the rare. Truly everything I hoped & dreamed for and more--in fact way more. I'm a careful observer of the human condition and say all of this with absolute conviction.

No one else can or will compare. It's a sad, grim fact and frankly am unsure how to deal with that kind of hopelessness.

There are six BILLION people on this planet! To think that this one girl was absolute perfection is not only non-sense, it's mathematically highly impossible! Nobody is perfect, NOBODY. I was totally broken up when my ex, who was my first love, broke up with my back in May, but you've got to move on. The Hollywood idea of "The One" is nonsense to begin with, but if she truly was "The One," she would've found a way to work things out with you. The fact that she chose not to just goes to show that she is not the one.

The one person that should truly make you happy is yourself. I've hit the gym harder than ever before, and have just been focusing on things I enjoy doing and I'm in a heck of a lot better position than I was back in May and mid-July when my ex was stilly wishy-washy on wanting to be with me. I've had like 4 or 5 people try hooking me up with people recently and have just been like jeez... I don't NEED to be with somebody to be happy. I was happy before my ex, I was happy with my ex, and I'm happy after my ex. It sounds like you're depressed about the situation, and it's perfectly fine to feel down. You've got to pick yourself back up. I'll be perfectly honest, I still think about my ex every single day, not about anything in particular... she'll just pop into my mind. And you know what that's fine, but what you can't keep doing is keep beating yourself up for stuff you did in your relationship.

Whenever I'm feeling a little down recently, now you're going to laugh at this, I've been watching a clip from Rocky Balboa. :) It's the part of the movie where Rocky is talking to his son. The quote goes like this, and I think you need to apply it to your life:

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can *GET HIT* and keep moving forward. How much you can *TAKE* and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

You've taken a big hit, but it's time to get back up and say is that all you can throw at me, and keep moving forward. Hang in there, getting over somebody is like 9-step process. But trust me, there are definitely other great girls out there! :)

If this girl was "THE ONE" then why are you broken up? If you treated her like crap or had the highest highs and lowest lows then how can she be the perfect one for you? And if you haven't experienced the future then how do you know she is "THE ONE". You are basing your past on the future. If you stay in this cycle of behavior glamorizing the past and comparing every girl to this EX who apparently wasn't the one since you aren't dating anymore, you will never find someone who is right for you. Going back isn't an option but neither is going forward? Think of the reality of what you are saying.. It doesn't matter what you do, if this girl doesn't want to be with you, then she doesn't want to be with you. You putting her on a pedastal isn't going to change things. You thinking no one will measure up won't bring her back... so if you want to go the rest of your life miserable and unhappy, then keep it up.. keep glamorizing this chick like she is the best thing since sliced bread. And you will find yourself alone and unhappy. Or.. move on, accept reality for what it is. Accept the relationships of the past for what they are: relationships of the past, where you learn and grow and realize how to treat a girl, what to say, what to do, and what you want. Humans were made so that we can survive without love. You don't HAVE to be married and in a relationship to live. So focus on living single. Try and make yourself happy alone (go to the gym, learn to play guitar, skydive, get a better job, clean your house, meet some friends). And when you are truly happy ALONE, then you can be happy meeting someone else. Everyday you think about your EX is just one more day you have to start over. Going NO CONTACT includes your mind. If you don't call her or talk to her but you think about her everyday its just as unhealthy as talking to her. Get her out of your mind, start fresh, and good luck.

How to carry on knowing there's no one better than your ex?

How do you know that there's no one better than you ex without meeting all 6+ billion people in this world?

I am sorry for your loss and you seem in great pain. But I have to say your first mistake is saying she is "rare" and she is the "rarest of the rarest" Every human body is rare. No two are alike. Our actions, our likes and dislikes, every thing that makes us who we are differ from the next. Your closing your mind to the thought there could be another girl out there for you. Stop comparing your loss to the other single women in the world and open your eyes to what could be in front of you. No matter how perfect a women crosses your path your going to sabotage it and compare her to your ex. Doing that you will never be happy.

Your letting these crazy thoughts take over your mind instead of seeing what reality is. Its over. Like the others have said, if she were the one then you would still have her. Maybe she was the one for you, but your not the one for her. There is no perfect love and no perfect person. You have to see this and stop putting her up there like she is a goddess. Love is hard work every day. To keep it strong and to keep building on it. Are you going to let the "one" slip away because you think you already lost her? You haven't lost her because you haven't found her yet.

Get yourself together and move on. She sounds like she did. Work on yourself and being better and stronger. One day you will be on here saying it is possible and you did it. You can do anything you want to do. Just focus straight ahead and don't look back and stop comparing every woman to her.

Stop projecting: you're putting her on a pedestal because of your self-deprecating attitude. From down there in the depths of depression, everyone looks more perfect than you; you should be at eye-level. Start climbin'!

I can't tell you of the six-billion people on this planet, someone else "better than her" exists because I don't know how you measure what's good in the first place, that's for you to find out.

You're first priority is getting out of this rut of self-worthlessness and realize you can get back on your feet.

Just remember perfection is in the eye of the beholder.
The next one could be even more perfect.

WARNING: Straight shooting.

"I want her. And I won't settle." are the words of a child whose toy has been taken away, not the words of an adult man.

You will move on when you stop imagining that anything about what you just told us is "logical and analytical." Like everyone else you know, you are a creature of passion, impulse, and, apparently, poor judgment. Accept this. You are human and deeply flawed, just like the rest of us.

If you want to be happier (nobody is completely happy), you have to stop looking for perfection and, importantly, stop thinking in black and white about everything. Of course, she was not perfect for you, or you would still be together. At minimum, YOU were not perfect for her. And she can't be perfect for you if you make her miserable, which you apparently did.

There are more than 3 billion women alive right now. It's unlikely that all of them are inferior to this one person you happened to meet and form a relationship with.

I strongly recommend that you let go of the idea that you lost her because of a few mistakes during a tumultuous period of your life. Judging from what you've written here, I strongly suspect that your deeply held beliefs and attitudes were the cause of your tumultuous relationship and her flight and hiding from you. Instead of fretting about how inferior your next girlfriend will inevitably be, think about how your own enduring (not temporary) flaws caused her to leave and teach yourself to be a more giving and adult partner. Work on yourself. Learn from your mistakes. What did she tell you was wrong?

Also, the first step in your path to adulthood is to stop trying to contact her.

Take some time for you and get to know you. Take the time to understand what went wrong. Not how to fix it, but how to become a better person because of it. Work on yourself. She wasn't the one and its not a big deal. Your setting a pretty high standard right now for some other woman to try to come in and fill. Don't do that. You don't want someone to feel that have to constantly compete for what you once had.

The next one could be even more perfect.

No! Don't tell him that. That just sets up the next poor girlfriend for being held up to impossible standards, which was probably a factor in the first relationship. The OP needs to stop thinking of women as either perfect or worthless, 9s or 2s, like he's shopping for a toaster.

He needs to think of women as separate people from himself. Even after he has broken up with this person, he cannot distinguish between the feelings of love he experienced and the person toward whom those feelings were directed. He thinks those feelings were about her when they were actually him.

asking agrees: I disagree. Inflated entitlement is the problem, not low self worth.
Call it whatever you want, it all has the same affect on him anyway.

EDIT:


The OP needs to stop thinking of women as either perfect or worthless, 9s or 2s, like he's shopping for a toaster.
Where are you getting this, where does he indicate he's a perfectionist? He just has a broken heart. I did the same thing, I wanted that one girl after I had just lost her and no one else could take her spot, I guess I'm a bad guy, too. In fact, read every post on AMHD where the girl just broke-off a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, all of those guys reacted just as we did. You've clearly taken offence to his post, and I'm not exactly sure why.

First of all, sorry for your relationship break-up. We only grow and learn from our mistakes. Instead of analyzing and thinking back what I should have done to make this work, now its time for you. You know what you did, and then maybe next time you won't repeat the same wrong things. Sounds too me, she had some issues too, she doesn't seem perfect to me. Stop being so hard on yourself! Get out there and try to focus on meeting new people, go out and enjoy yourself. No one said it would ever be easy, its just something to have to accept that's it over. She has shut all the doors, on this relationship, and you can't change it now, only change you.

No! Don't tell him that. That just sets up the next poor girlfriend for being held up to impossible standards, which was probably a factor in the first relationship. The OP needs to stop thinking of women as either perfect or worthless, 9s or 2s, like he's shopping for a toaster.

He needs to think of women as separate people from himself. Even after he has broken up with this person, he cannot distinguish between the feelings of love he experienced and the person toward whom those feelings were directed. He thinks those feelings were about her when they were actually him.

Very true asking. I didn't look at it that way. I guess I was looking at his obsession with the one he had. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

Where are you getting this, where does he indicate he's a perfectionist? He just has a broken heart. I did the same thing, I wanted that one girl after I had just lost her and no one else could take her spot, I guess I'm a bad guy, too. In fact, read every post on AMHD where the girl just broke-off a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, all of those guys reacted just as we did.

I did not say he was a perfectionist. I said he is thinking in black and white. I would like to save his next girlfriend from some measure of pain and increase the possibility that he'll have more success in his next relationship. He thinks that the things that went wrong are small things, easily fixed, and they are not. He has some serious work to do. Instead he's focused on what losers other women are. That's a problem.

All men at AMHD are not like this.

All men at AMHD are not like this.
Correct, but a lot are, it's the stages people go through when they experience loss. It's very rare when a couple break up do they go their respective ways and actually follow NC from the start.

He thinks that the things that went wrong are small things, easily fixed, and they are not.
I don't know where you read that, if the issues they had as a couple were easily fixed, they'd probably still be together.

Instead he's focused on what losers other women are. That's a problem..
Where did he call other women losers? He just doesn't want to date other women right now because his mind is clouded. And really, he's doing the right thing, oftentimes people will jump right into a rebound relationship after they lost the "love of their life" and when that new relationship fails as it usually does, you can add one more bruised ego to the list.

To the OP: It's been two months since she's cut you out of her life, so do the same to her. Stay single and repair your ego.

The OP is in deep shock, and denial, but reality, and time will slap him soon.

Usually when the brain takes back over, and he can see with clear eyes, he will see his perfect girl has a lot of competition.

Let the guy rant if that's what he needs.

I admit I have a tendency to think in extremes, in black or white, in all-or-nothing terms. That’s a fair criticism. I’m aware of it. That said, in this case my thinking is truly warranted.

When I say she is perfect, I don’t mean to say she is without flaws. She has flaws & is flawed. I don’t think of her as a goddess. By “perfect”, she holds every quality I ever dreamed of in a partner, and more. Very very rare qualities, all held in one individual. Indescribable, really. I mean to say she is the only one who could make me the happiest.

Yes, I am a bit of a perfectionist. But that in itself isn’t a bad thing. She met and exceeded my ultra high criteria. I truly didn’t believe someone like her to exist.

It’s over now. I know. I have zero delusions about her ever coming back to me. I’m coming to terms with that. What I am having a hard time accepting is the fact that there’s no other out there like her. Yes I’ll give other girls a chance…some may even provide me with some modicum of happiness but it will never be near what I did have, and could have had, with her. I won’t find those rare qualities, that happiness, ever again. No one else will or can provide what she gives me, there is no one better. It’s morbid. It’s brutal. It’s as black and white as that. And I’m not sure how to deal with that reality.

Stop telling yourself that she’s “the only one”, that you're madly in love her, how terribly miserable you are without her, how wrong/sad/unfair it is that you can't be together, how you'll never get over her, and so on. By obsessing on those phrases and others like them, you're defining yourself by the situation, locking yourself into this seemingly inescapable whirlpool of feelings. Until you break this cycle you will continue to be miserable. While your feelings don't have to change (although they probably will change over time), you need to evolve in how you are dealing with them and stop letting them control you.

Take a new perspective in your attitude towards the situation. Focus on being thankful that you knew her. Appreciate her positive attributes, but also be perfectly honest about her shortcomings (it can be easy to regard her as absolutely perfect, which she isn’t). Don't focus on how you are "madly in love with her you are and how you will never get over it" because that sort of talk is self-fulfilling. As long as you keep telling yourself you won't get over her, you will be trapped.

I wish there was something magical to say that would help you, but it's not that easy. If you can’t change your attitude on your own, it may be time to talk to a counselor.

Your assumption is not based in facts, but in hurt feelings, and until you have explored other people, your assumption as to her perfection is premature.

I doubt you sustain your position, after the healing process has worked, and you have moved on, so enough of holding on to that illogical position.

A female doesn't have to be perfect to be a great partner.

I'm going to try another tack.

What you think about her doesn't matter. Even if she's in fact the most perfect partner you can ever imagine and no one else will ever measure up--ever in your whole life--your opinion is not going to change anything. You can spend your life thinking that and making yourself and every future woman unhappy thinking they aren't as good as your Jill. Or you can stop thinking that. It's totally up to you.

It's one thing to wallow in self pity for a while and realize how much you miss someone. We've nearly all been there. I sure have. And there's no reason to jump into dating when you aren't ready. But it's quite another thing to basically say that no one else in the world is good enough for you. ("She met and exceeded my ultra high criteria. I truly didn’t believe someone like her to exist.")

First of all, you are completely lacking in humility here. What makes you so sure your criteria are that high? Your arrogance is positively painful. Unless you are living on a tiny island with a population of 500, it's quite likely you'll meet lots of women who meet your "ultra high" criteria.

Second, as a friend of mine likes to ask at moments like this, How does it make you feel to think that?

We already know the answer. Awful!

The only thing that's making you feel awful are the thoughts you are having. Even if you were right that this idea was a true and accurate (a black-and-white reflection of reality) it would still be kind of dumb to dwell on it since all it does is make you feel bad. And, as it happens, you are incorrect in your evaluation. You are blinded by feelings of rejection and loss and you are trying to rationalize those emotions as based in some logical reality. They are not.

Just a quick question here.
What would happen if you met a woman that exceeds your "ultra high" criteria?

What exactly did you do wrong and why?

I think this is one of those "the mind listens, but the heart won't" kind of situations
I hope you feel better soon though :(

First off, it sounds like you (by your own account, I am not judging you) are not necessarily happy with who you are, or at least who you were during that relationship. I think you truly believe that your ex was a better person than you, and that she made you better. I call BS. I promise you a lot of those qualities you desperately want in your girlfriend, are qualities you need to work on yourself. If you desire them so much, be them. That way, you won't expect your girlfriend to be a one of a kind Superwoman who fixes everything for you and provides those qualities.

This break up is a blessing in disguise. Hopefully you can identify what made you a bad boyfriend/person, and work on that. You will get much more out of this than you ever would with being with this girl. Quite frankly, you were not ready for a quality relationship. If you are still the same person when (WHEN, not IF) the next amazing girl comes in your life, you will screw that up too. Do you want to be the "villain" forever? Maybe (and I am sorry if this is harsh, it is 100% conjecture but I am writing it in case it connects) you don't meet people with the qualities you seek because you don't have enough of the qualities you desire, in yourself. If you just wallow in your misery, you will never be able to grow, and you will never realize there is life after a break up (and this you just have to believe. Anyone who has been through a break up will tell you this, you can choose not to believe them and believe your case is different, but it isn't. They have been here. You haven't. Don't tell them you "know" you will never meet another girl, because they know more about the situation than you do, and they are telling you otherwise).

I don't know how you can write that she had flaws and that she was perfect and better than any other girl you will ever meet. The temperamental and moody thing... that right there is settling. You clearly don't consider temperamentalness (not a word but bear with me) a desirable trait, not that I know many people who do, and she clearly had that. So just from reading your own words, she is NOT perfect according to your standards, you are just having trouble admitting that because you are focusing on the good. You don't want to settle? That's fine. Then don't be with someone whose good outweighs the bad, just get rid of the bad altogether. I'm sorry, but to my outsider eyes, she doesn't sound perfect, and that is only from the very limited information you have given.

This girl was not perfect, you just accepted her for who she was so you let her temper and moody behavior slide. I would bet anything there are other girls out there who have the same main values but don't have those temper issues.

You only met a girl like her once in your life. You say that means that no one else on this Earth is anything like her, based on your daily life experiences. But the only constant in your daily life is you. Switch up your daily life, try some new things, and the type of people you will meet will be different too.

And I bet you that you will meet girls who are COMPLETELY different than your ex, but you will find that different does not necessarily mean worse. You think you know what you want. You do not know. It is VERY possible that a girl comes along with qualities completely different than the ones you look for in a girl, yet you realize that those qualities are what you wanted all along.

But you won't be ready to meet those people if you judge them according to how close they are to your “perfect” ex, because then you will see any deviations from your ex as worse rather than different (and maybe better). Don't go through life expecting something and dismissing anything that is not that something. Be open-minded, don't limit your options to one unavailable (and imperfect) ex-girlfriend.

I won’t find those rare qualities, that happiness, ever again.
It's all in how you see it. You're still getting over her, so you'll think this way for a while until you snap out of it.

Thank you for your thoughtful input, everyone, keep them coming.

You’re right. She is a far better person than I. And I am not happy with the person I was during (or before) the relationship. Since the break-up (over the last two months) I’ve had a series of highly charged personal revelations about my ‘self.’ I now see that, her complaints of me were 100% accurate.

The result? My persona and world-view are now different. I’m changing. She is the catalyst for my change. It’s a lot to handle, it’s confusing, I’m still grappling with it, but I feel it. And you know it’s saddening she wanted me to change, fought hard for me to be a better person, stuck it out with me for as long as she did….and I’m pissed I was too slow in getting there. It’s quite tragic. Good of course that I’m growing as a person but terribly sad it came at this high a cost (losing her).

Yes, to me she is ‘superwoman’ (that’s not quite the word I’d use, but I understand what you mean). And yes her “perfection” fixed everything in my life.

I think you’re on to something when you said, “…wishing I had her qualities myself.” Many of her qualities are qualities I admire & wish to have in myself, but lack. Because compared to her I see myself deficient in nearly every measureable way (intelligence, compassion, emotional strength, empathy, kindness, fun, energy, humor, etc.).

Deep down maybe there’s fear I will never be as good as her….or worse, that I know I’m not as good….or that I’ll never become as great of a person as I wish for myself….or…something. You’re on to something with that point, just not sure where to take it.

Some here are asking what went wrong in the relationship, or why I mistreated her if I knew she was perfection incarnate. This is something I’m still sorting out. Admittedly, I do not truly understand. But I can speculate: Subconsciously, I may have felt as though she was too good to be true. Someone so perfect couldn’t really be real, could they? Or if she was the genuine article (and indeed she was, and I knew it then just as clearly as I know it now), then perhaps I felt I was undeserving of her--Thinking myself to be unworthy. Or that at some point, far down the line, she would realize she deserves better and leave me. And that would be very painful (I’ve an innate fear of being hurt).

I speculate if this was what was happening in my subconscious, combined with the tumultuous period my life was in at the time we were dating (tough internal/external stressors)….then perhaps my subconscious sabotaged the relationship. Thus I acted with abandon, mistreated her, acted like an imbecile, and caused the destruction of the relationship.

Earlier, when I made mention of her “tempermental-ness”…I didn’t necessarily dislike it. She is a highly passionate person and I very much enjoy her passion, whichever way it swung (and boy, could it swing). Her passion could bring absolute bliss or reign misery. Her passion showed she cared. Though I now realize I was the root-cause for much of the bad-temper; so I mostly excuse her & blame myself for the bad-temper.

Again, I call her perfect but I understand and see she has flaws (I’m not delusional). The thing is I love most of her flaws, know what I mean? She’s that rare, that special, that I don’t mind them. I understand them and the reality is the small flaws wouldn’t have presented much of a problem at all if it were not for my exacerbating them.

She is the gold-standard by which all others will be compared. Of course I expect to meet new girls with different qualities—but I don’t expect those qualities to be better than or even equal to hers.

There’s no other out there like her, I have an instinct about such things. It hurts. Sure, I can bury my feelings and force myself not to think about it. But I’m not going to lie to myself.

Life without her is a colorless existence. And I don’t know how to face it.

I think your doing great with this and I think your slowly starting to see life can go on.

If it took you losing her to make you a better person then isn't this good after all? For every bad a good will come of it. You will be a better man for this loss.

You said you have the fear you will never be as good as her or that you know your not as good as her. Your right because your not her. She is not better or worse then you or anyone. She is just different. We are all different in our own qualities. We are all better at times. We are all not good enough at times. Don't measure yourself to her standards. You are you and you are special.

Maybe she mirrored the good qualities that you can't allow yourself to acknowledge within yourself?
No human being is perfect-and that woul be boring
I think you should stop comparing yourself to anyone else and just move forward with the insights you gain into your own self.

Is it possible your in some sort of depression other then the split with her? You just seem so down on yourself from the start.

Regretfulness,
Your last post is GREAT, a good essay into your feelings. It seems like you are trying to figure things out. And have found an articulate voice.

What I see as a good outcome is if you could take your admiration for her and turn it into a kind of metamorphosis for yourself. So you can love those qualities in yourself or at least respect that you are doing your best. I get the sense that you don't feel you've done your best.

Just for the sake of argument, let's just accept that she's better than you (though you said it, not me). You still have to live with you for the rest of your life. No matter who you are with, it's always going to be you in the mirror. So what can you do with the knowledge that you are not as good a person as you'd like to be?

In your shoes, I would choose one or two goals to work on now. None of us can do everything at once. But make your goals concrete. If you'd like to be more patient or kinder think about what that translates into in the moment. What things make you not that way? Imagine someone saying something that makes you feel insecure. Instead of snapping or saying something funny but mean, what can you do instead? All I'm saying is make a plan. (Books can help.)

If you admired her education, then read some books or take some classes. Education is one of those things that's cumulative over a life time, so the sooner you start making learning a priority, the farther ahead you'll be in a short time.

But most of all stay true to who you are. The goal isn't to be someone else, but a better version of yourself.

It is totally normal to feel awful right now. But turn that sadness into a positive as much as possible. When you need to be sad, that's okay. Cry, or sit and stare out the window for a while. But then get up and give yourself some long term goals to strive for. I guarantee that in a few months you'll feel MUCH better.

Good luck!

Greenies your way asking. That was nicely written.

As long as you are stuck in the mindset that no one will compare or outshine her,you are right,no one will because your bias will not allow you to see it.

Your mindset will blind you to the other possibilities.

I feel for you. I can understand where everyone else that has provided their advice is coming from. There are billions of people in this world.
However, maybe you are right. Maybe she was the one. I've been mourning over my ex for the past year now. He was my best friend. We did everything together, we had everything imaginable in common, there was nothing I was afraid to ask him, and when he broke up with me, it was like someone had died. Probably worse--I'm fairly convinced that my heart has fallen off the face of the earth.

To everyone urging this man to go wild on a hunt for another female:
Sure, there are tons of people you can date and hang out with. But remember, every person is completely unique. They think differently, love differently, look different, talk different, and so on. You will never be able to find someone exactly like them. You can also spend countless hours with your friends and family, trying to lose yourself and forget your loss if only for a few hours. You can travel to new places, eat new food, cut your hair, and study new things, in hopes of moving on. And you can do all that, and still think about this someone every day of your life. Why is it such a taboo to still be hung up on your ex? Why must everyone's advice be to "move on" and simply stop thinking about them? You can claim to have been through the same sort of scenario, to have your heartbroken. Maybe you have conquered your loss and moved on to a happier existence, but that does not mean that someone else may be able to. I do believe in a love so strong that it can't be explained, and I do believe that after finding this sort of love with someone, it can be almost impossible to go back your ignorant and happy self.
When he describes her as being perfect for him, he doesn't mean she's perfect (as he has pointed out.) Everyone has their flaws--I think a big part of love is a matter of finding someone whose flaws you can deal with and overlook, and finding someone that can overlook your flaws as well.

Regretfullness:
My only advice to you really, is to keep on living, even if it is only to find out what the universe has in store for you. Take all the time in the world you need to mourn. Because no one else but yourself can really come to terms with how you feel.
Love is much more brutal than hatred my friend.

regretfullness, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. It's crazy, I really, truly, didn't think that anyone was experiencing what I am, but I see that you are. I managed to lose 'the one' twice! We broke up once, got back together, then I blew it again and caused her a lot of pain which I never truly intended, much like in your case. I am now struggling with this loss and feeling like no one will ever match up to her and I will never find someone as good as her. All I can do is focus on all the good moments together. Let me tell you something, she did the same thing with me as your ex did to you, she is content with cutting me out of her life, no contact from her whatsoever. I have to deal with that, and that's all you can do.

You can't do anything to change her mind at this point. All you can do is try to heal and move on, that's what I am doing. And let me tell you, I know you can't see it now, but each day that passes it gets somewhat better and you start to see that you can be happy without this person.

Hang in there man, I truly feel for you because I'm in the same situation. If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to message me. I'm here for you man.

You "can't go back to her, and you can't go forward."

What exactly does this mean? Are you considering suicide? Becoming a hermit? Of course not!

You cannot go back in time, and change what you did. You made choices that you now regret. Hindsight has 20-20 vision. You were selfish, and you now see that, and regret it to the core.

This is what you NEED to do in order to learn from this situation that you are in.

Years ago, I had a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, girlfriend that I thought was perfect in every way. But still I cheated on her. I regreted it, and was in mourning for my the loss, and full of misery for my mistakes. I thought, just like you, that I would NEVER,ever, find someone so wonderful as her to fill that void. But, I learned from my indiscretions, and became a better person for it. And I eventually met the woman that I am now married to, the mother of my two sons.

She is an angel on this Earth. She is not perfect, of course, but she is perfect for me, and I love her with all my soul.

Had I carried on the way that I was, I never would have been blessed by having her come into my life.

So no, this is not the end, and you are not done. You are just at a point in your life that you should consider as a "life college", a crossroad with unlimited potential. The beginning on the rest of your life.

I'm not going to sugar coat what you did, because you are the one that hurt her, and this is the bed that you must sleep in.

But never be fooled into thinking that this is the end for you.

You are still young. Take what time you need to reflect, and to think about what you need to do to proceed, but then you snap the hell out of it, and carry on like a man with your head held high.

Life is full of possibilities, and you can do whatever it is that you want to do. Either be miserable forever, or move on, and be happy.

I hope you can use any of this, because life is too short to live it in regret for the bad decisions that you made.

Good luck.

I'm in a desert without her. You guys, I have such an urge to reach out to her….but she'll more than likely ignore my attempts or simply become angry for contacting her.

I tried re-establishing contact once already, about 2-3 weeks ago and she ignored me at first…but after enough attempts; after enough prodding she finally reacted. But only briefly and only with anger. It was upsetting.

Should I try again anyway? This month (January 23rd) would have marked our one-year anniversary...

I know you'll probably advise me not to…. But my urge to try and talk to her again is overwhelming.

I sit and ruminate of her for days and hours and sometimes it gets really, really bad. Life is so bleak without her; I appreciate her so much I just want to drop everything & run right to her.

No, you don't contact her at all, at some point you may end up with a restraining order against you, if she gets tired of your constant contact.

There is a fine line between caring and obsessed.

So do something besides sitting and thinking about her, do some work out, do something for old people at a nursing home, start living a life.

In the end, you move on, unless you refuse to try. Do you want to be 70 moving into a nursing home a old bitter man still talking about her being he one and had it not been for that order of protection, you know you could have gotten her back.

So you did not even have a year together, in the aspect of life, it is not even a long relationship.
I have buried two wife's, and married to each longer than that. Each were good in their own ways, but at the end of they day, they were just humans, with good and bad.

No one person is that perfect to control our lifes. You are letting a make believe or pretend relationship idea control who you are and what you are doing

The way to get over this is to stick with the NC. And accept that what's over is over. Acceptance is the first step towards real healing.

You are right, we are all going to tell you to do NC. You have your answer on whether contacting her is a good idea... she refused to talk to you, and now you're just becoming annoying to her. Any further contact will just hurt her and yourself. You have got to do NC and STICK TO IT!

She is moving on and that's what you need to do. IT does become an obesession when it consumes you 24/7. We all have been down this road before. Contacting her will only bring you more hurt and pain, and prolong the healing process. She is angry now, and if you keep on bothering her she will take the necessary action to stop this. You will never be able to even be a friend with her if you continue to try to maintain contact. I am not saying that maybe down the roads you could be friends, but for now its no. I know in my past relationships after breaking up, they always seem to circle back to talk to you in some way. It's not always the case all the time, but in a big majority of them they do. You have to find a life besides her. We all have made mistakes and were only human.

No, no, no.. It's an absolute 'No-No'. Do not contact her. You will be heading back to square one if you break the NC. I was in your position months back. I tried many ways to win my ex back despite what she puts me through and without any doubts my mission failed terribly. I lost my dignity and self respect. And yet, I didn't care what others think or say. All I wanted is to have her back in my arms again. I must admit I was so blinded at that time till I talked myself in and out that no one else could ever come close to the way she is, she's simply irreplaceable and she means the world to me and the list goes on... I can't move on or I must say that I refused to move on. I thought I could forget about her if I keep myself busy. But I was wrong. I didn't see any progress simply because I refused to move on. I was so reluctant to take the baby steps to heal till I found out that she was sharing the messages/emails I sent her with her friends. That was a huge wake up call. Huge! I totally forgot the simple rule of thumb, that is, we are born to be imperfect and we are living in an imperfect world. How can she be flawless? You may not see it now, but one day you will start to open your eyes and see her imperfections if you stick to NC.

No doubt I still think of my ex and I miss her but I keep telling myself that I must stay in control. Thanks to the guys here for reminding me every now and then. I will not be able to make it through if I keep running away from the fact that she's already gone. The only way to fight this is to face the truth. Truth hurts, we all know that. You have to fight your fear; fear that you will not find someone as good as your ex. You WILL eventually if you let the healing process to take place. How can you find Ms. Right if you keep living in the past? Remember, love happens when you least expect it. It's time to be a real man, face it and take the pain. You will eventually get there. Trust the guys here when they tell you that you're going to be OK. Time does wonder... so as patience. Good luck!

I have come to realize he doesn't so much mean she is perfect, but his meaning is she is perfect for him. That's great and wonderful and all of the above. But if the feelings aren't mutual between two people its going to be a never ending battle that you will always lose.

Several times within this thread, I've stated in my own words, the following: "she’s gone and never coming back." & that "...it is over...and I have no delusions of her ever coming back."

Well, I keep thinking of what she represents to me. How much reverence I have for her. And how she is everything I need/want and is irreplaceable. And I don’t want to let her go. Because, what if, there’s still a chance of getting back together? What_if? What if by doing nothing, by never contacting her again, what if I’m simply letting the final opportunity pass? If she truly means as much to me as I say she does (she does), then shouldn't I continue to at least try? To continue trying to hold onto the rarest thing and instead of allowing it to slip away forever?

I feel compelled to try, for if I do nothing I'll just fade out of her mind & life forever….and then there is no chance.

The 23rd of this month would (emphasis on would) have marked our 1-year anniversary. I feel that if any further attempts are to be made it should probably be this month…

Advice, please.

Then of course if you make a fool of yourself, bother her to a point perhaps she gets a restraining order,

You are basically going no where with maybes and what ifs, you know she is gone, so let it go with dignity.

The what ifs, can go on forever, what after she is married, she divorces in two years, so I will wait.

So you are lying to someone, since this is a delusion of her coming back, or you would be willing to move on

ACCEPTANCE

You've done what you could; the ball is now (has been) in her court. For some, it's helpful to remind that you may need have a little faith; if it was meant to be, it may eventually come back. For others, in order to move on you may need to accept some sort of posit. However you want to justify it you need to figure that out quickly and accept it. Come to peace with it and if you can help it, don't resent the other individual. You two shared many special moments, so be thankful for that and move on. Sometimes the timing is just wrong, but it is futile to try to convince someone to be in a relationship that they don't want. If you truly care about and love her, let her go. At this point, she is happier without you, so what can you say?

I'd give her my best wishes of success and happiness and then move on. This is a New Year, so forget the past. 2010 will be great!

regretfullness, like I mentioned before, I feel the same way you do. I didn't think there was anyone else out there that did, but I was wrong. I feel like I lost the "one" just like you did.

Our situations are very similar. She has cut me out of her life for now, and the end of the relationship was caused by my actions for the most part. Now I fear that she will never be replaced, that she was my soul mate and that it is impossible to be on that level with anyone else. I fear that there is no one better.

There is nothing that we can do, man. We have to accept that. We can't make someone love us and want to be with us. That is their decision. Our exes have to decide if they want to be with us. We both know we want to be with them, but they don't feel the same. That is the reality and we have no control over it whatsoever.

It's extremely hard, I know just like you do. But you have to endure this pain because it's the only thing you can actually do. If it is meant to be, she will come back, if she doesn't, I guess you have to accept it wasn't meant to be.

I know you feel like she is the one and you will never find anyone better, I am in the same boat. But I have a feeling that the longer I endure this pain, the more time that passes, maybe my thought process will change. Maybe when I least expect it, I will see how possible it is to find those feelings again with someone else. I don't see it right now and I don't believe it will happen, but enough time hasn't passed.

You just got to be strong. But don't be afraid to cry or let your emotions out. I broke down crying last night. You have to get these things out of your system and then heal. I know you don't see it now, but it does get better.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always send me a message. I know exactly what you're going through. Keep your head up.

Quite often in a breakup we tend to idolize our partner - proclaiming that he or she was "the one" or how they were "so perfect for me".

Have you stopped for a moment to step back and think about how you fit in their life at all? You admittedly claim you are the villain, to which I give you credit for. However, just because you feel that she was the best for you, it does not mean you were the best for her. If she is so great in your eyes, does she not deserve the best?

Time to move on my friend and leave things be already. She has made her feelings for you quite clear by her actions and you have to respect this even though you may not like it.

Wow your situation sounds familiar.. I went through this myself a few months back my g/f of 3 years although we were on an off for a good portion of 2009 ultimatley left me for some 1 else.. lol believe me when I say I know exactly what your going through man.. I spent weeks getting no more than 4 hours of sleep per day,walking through grocery stores crying at the very thought of my situation.. but then it dawned on me after some time had passed that she was faarrrr from perfect!when a relationship ends abruptly, especially when were not the ones who pulled the plug sort of speak. We tend to over analyze the good and ignore the grief.. when you only think about how she impacted your life in a positive light your putting her on a pedistal much higher than she deserves to be.. was every argument really your fault? Was she always right?where you the only one who escalated petty issues into all out screaming matches? ABSOLUTLEY NOT! She did her fair share as well for the relationships demise and you have to remember this! I went through the same stages as you man.. from being angry that it was over to feeling un-beleivably sad,depressed,and just over all feeling like my entire life walked out the door the day she left! But let me share something with you.. you will get over her because you have no choice and the main reason you want her back right now is because she's un-attainable its human nature for us to want the very things that we can't have it took me a while to realize this and soon you will as well.. get that notion that she's perfect out of your head because she wasn't.. stop thinking about the things you could have done diffrently because in all likley hood they probably woudnt be.. you learn a lot more from losing than you do from winning and that's in all aspect of life.. take a mental note of everything she hated about you (im sure you know) and do your best not to make the same mistakes twice!

And also if you intend to salvage any kind of relationship you have to cease all contact.I know how hard that is when your every instinct tells you to beg and plead for her to take you back.. but you have to realize at this point she wants nothing to do with you and the more you push the more she will pull away.. the more you try to make things work the more determined she will be to shut you out of her life forever,give her time to reflect and space to grow. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and if she cared for you that much she'll want to know what your up 2 eventually.. basically every instinct to save your relationship now will further destroy your chances later on in life.. keep your pride and remember what made her fall in love with you in the 1st place.I can assure you its not the 1 begging at her feet like a german shepard after thanksgiving dinner.. take this time to evaluate your life without her and make the adjustments necessary to improve your future.. I am now in paramedic school and I can't say I would have ever done this had she not walked out of my life.. use this time to your advantage and who knows maybe she'll come back to a better version of you in time!

Here we are, two years later.

Many of the advice-givers on here mean well, but few of them are honest about the way the human psyche actually functions. Regretfullness, I was in your same situation almost exactly, chronologically and everything. And here I am now, picking through these messageboards trying to find any successful strategies for healing a broken heart. It's been well over two years and I feel just as I did back then.

The truth is, the only helpful remedy for a broken heart is the mind, and its wonderful, essential, crucial ability to forget--eventually, all memories weaken and slide away, and the few that remain are so fictionalized after the fact as to be falsehoods anyway. If anything can help you stop rhapsodizing the past, it's that. Amnesia is the only thing, and the best thing, the broken-hearted can hope for.

What doesn't work on a broken heart are nonsense bumper stickers like "Move on" and "Let go." These are steadfastly meaningless phrases, as helpful as telling a blubbering, terrified person not to worry. They mean nothing and have no real-life application. What they're trying to say is "Fake it to make it," to attempt to self-impose a new identity upon yourself that, if you carry it out long enough, becomes who you are. But this is disingenuous playacting and sincere feelings will still fester no matter how much you outwardly deny them.

Equally unhelpful is the advice to apply the lessons you've learned from mistakes you've made to your new life. The lessons you've learned from mistakes you've made only apply to the originally-made mistakes! They become utterly useless information for any future situations.

I've dated many other women and felt nothing towards them, any of them, and not for a lack of trying. If anything, I did try, but none of the efforts were sincere, and so they failed. I've even carried on relationships with some, until they grew tired of my inability to love them and were off in the hopes of finding someone who could. None of the other women were as good as the best woman. Sure, they were vibrant and intelligent and beautiful in their own right, but once you've had the best, that ineffable quality that made the best the best can never be met again. Attempting to find anyone good enough again is the nakedest of delusions. To the doubters, I didn't believe in the idea of "The One" either, until I met her.

So what is there to do now? Whatever you want. Date, have sex, be single, be productive. Being happy isn't an (actual) option anymore, but on the other hand, it's only one option. Realizing that you will never love again the way you once did is not a trap but a liberation. When you know you won't be able to love anyone again (when every feeling eventually wanes), you're free to do anything you want to or with anyone you want, and this is the only concession for those who have found and lost perfect love. You're absolutely correct in knowing you will never find anyone better. But this is a freeing, not a constraint. Knowing that, you can do anything. Anyone is good enough, and now you have a world of new experience to undergo. What is life but a collection of experiences signifying nothing? So signify nothing and enjoy it.

Because sincere emotion will always remain. No matter who you meet, no matter how much time passes, your sincere feelings for your favorite love will endure, and will not be able to be changed through willpower or external advice. The heart isn't that malleable and scars never fully heal.

The beauty here is that most everyone is in the same boat: they all have had and lost perfect loves, and so are searching again for that one who made them feel so ferociously. The best you can hope is to be a surrogate, someone's #2 (if not #3 or #50), and then let that be enough. At this point you can settle, [have sex with] the world, or be a monk. Those are the solutions available. They aren't preferable at first, but you can learn to make them workable. It's the only possible thing you can do. Embrace the inevitability and find comfort in it. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, etc.