Hello, my name is Jade. I've been dating my boyfriend, Philip, for about 8 months now. We were friends for a short time before we started dating, and I should've known from the start what his personality was when it came to his feelings.

He's one of those introverted types, very quiet and secretive about his feelings which is strikingly surprising because he's a very social type that's always cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. We get along great, we're able to joke and laugh together but when it becomes serious and I want to discuss our feelings, he suddenly seems at a loss for words. At first, I thought he was zoning out when I would talk because he wouldn't say anything, but when I mentioned it to him out of anger one day, he told me, "Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I'm ignoring you, it doesn't mean I don't feel or sit here with a blank mind. I just don't know what to say."

After about two months of dating, we somehow started telling each other that we loved each other. At the time I knew I loved him but I was unsure of how much I did. In the third month of our relationship, he told me that he was no longer "sure that he loved me" because he had never been in love before. I respected his honesty and told him I would wait until he was ready. I was unaware, at the time, how excruciating it would be to wait for someone to love you! I was coming to realize that as every day passed, I was falling more in love with him.
Four months later, after seven months of dating, I was finally unable to take the pain of feeling like my love was unrequited and I told him that I didn't know what to do any more. I opened up to him and talked his ear off about the way I felt. He didn't say anything except that he was "not good at talking about feelings" and "didn't want to feel vulnerable".
The next day, he had to drive back home from College. That night he called me and told me that he had four hours to think about everything on the drive to his 'rents house and that he DID love me and didn't want to lose me.
It's been a month now and he's told me he loves me about four times since then.

I am not writing this to figure out if he really does love me or not. I know that in his own way he does and I'm confident of that fact. I'm only telling this story so that you would not only see it in my perspective but his also.

I would like advice on how to help him open up to me. Do you think he will always be like this, unable to open up to me? I've told him many times that he could trust me because this was not a relationship that I would just up and leave and I've told him that I would wait but I feel as though my patience wears thin sometimes and I just want him to feel secure that I do want to be with him and nobody else. Must I wait longer? Or is there something I could do? Help, please!

Extra info if this helps at all.. I am 23 years old and he is 21. We're both students and his friends have become my best friends. He makes sure we spend time every day and worries when I don't send him a "G'morning babe" text. He's a great guy.. I just want to be told what he feels rather than having to assume the extent or the lack thereof.

People are different and communicate differently. You can't turn him into someone he isn't. He loves you and he not only tells you this but seems to prove it by his actions.
I think you should back off a bit and not allow yourself to worry about this.

Hrm, maybe I should be more specific. I'm not trying to change him, I'm trying to give him the sense of security he needs in order to open up to me. I've only ever asked him directly about his feelings three times in our relationship because I'm not exactly sure what I could do or say that would let him know I'm being genuine. I'm wondering whether it's my inability to go about it or he's just never going to share that part of him with me. It gets awkward when you're pouring your heart out and all the other person does is just sit there and not say a word..

I also appreciate the "action speaks louder than words" and I never take it for granted. Is it so wrong that I want to be emotionally intimate with him because it is beginning to feel like it is some sort of "taboo" and I'm not supposed to pursue it.

These things take time. It's possible that you two just aren't compatible. I'm also an introverted type, and for the first 3 years of me and my fiance's friendship/relationship, I hardly said a word. My fiancé however, wears his heart on his sleeve, and is EXTREMELY open, honest, and has no problem sharing his feelings.
Love is honest, and as your boyfriend, he owes you that honesty about his feelings.
I'm not sure if you have made your relationship a safe environment for HIM to tell his feelings, or have you made it a place for YOU to express how you feel. Make sure that you aren't shooting down his opinions, getting defensive, or scrutinizing how he feels. If you make such a big deal of his shyness, there's a good chance that he's not going to feel safe sharing things. It's possible that he is unsure of how he feels, or he knows that you "love" him, but the feeling is not mutual, and he is afraid to hurt you. There are many possibilities that could factor into why he doesn't open up. (for me, it was blatant shyness, and inability to start conversations,) Instead of pushing the issue, why don't you let him open up on his own time, and make sure that you are creating a safe environment for him to share his feelings. Don't get defensive, and don't give him any reason NOT to share how he feels.

Thanks.


"Love is honest, and as your boyfriend, he owes you that honesty about his feelings."

I wouldn't say he owes me more than what he has done for me, but those are pretty much the words I couldn't think of to say to him when I tried to express why his silence bothered me.

I haven't really pressured him, not to my knowledge. Maybe that's why it troubles me because to be completely honest, I'm a very awkward person when it comes to talking about my own feelings also. I'm not very good with expressing what I'm thinking/feeling about and the reasons. Many times, I've sealed my mouth and kept silent because of how frustrating it is for me to TRY explaining what's most important in my heart. You can see now why it is disheartening when my efforts are reciprocated with silence. Patience is not a virtue of mine but I feel as though I've been getting good practice with him. Haha.
I know that there is a possibility that in his own time, he'll finally free himself to me, but I've always wondered if there was also the possibility that this may never change at all.

Jaime90, your opinion/advice was wonderful. It gives me strength to keep my heart available and just wait with open arms because in the end, I know he's worth all of it.

I think you back up some, and enjoy each other for who you both are. As you get more comfortable, and knowledgeable about each other things will happen. It may be slow, but what the hey, enjoy it.

We often screw things up by forcing, or rushing what's best left to unwind at its own pace.

Don't be such a worry wart.

Everyone is raised differently and he may come from a home where sharing ones heartfelt feelings was not the case.It is a learned behavior and he may not have learned it yet.

Also men and women communicate differently.

Women have a great ability to know what they are feeling and an innate ability to express it.It seems easy to us,but it is not always the case with men.

Men are thinkers and doers ,that is how they operate.

Go slow and show him how it is done.Validate any emotion he expresses and make sure he knows you appreciate any effort he puts toward opening up.

What you see as a trust issue I think may simply mans inability to connect with his innermost feelings.

Arm yourself with knowledge about the difference in communication styles between men and women.

I am generalizing here but history does show us there are many complex differences between the sexes and emotional expression and communication are but a few.

Comments on this post
Talaniman agrees: So do I leave the Earth, and go back to Mars?? Take me to your leader earth woman!! Sorry your right, I just couldn't resist.

I knew I had good reason to add the comment about generalizing :)... man did I see that coming. :rolleyes:

gtwisty:
A good man is worth a wait... It might take some patience, but it will pay off. In his own time, he will come out of his shell. You mentioned that sometimes you are "awkward" in expressing how you feel, or you don't say anything at all... Why don't you set a good example of what healthy, open communication is (without overwhelming the guy) If you want to state how you feel about something, ask him also how he feels, or if he has any thoughts or concerns on a certain matter. Involve him and his opinions, and it will get easier and easier for him to also, say how he feels about things. Also, in a relationship, you both do owe each other honesty- every human being deserves an honest partner. Good luck! =)