My 18year old daughter moved to Santa Barbara from San Diego in the fall. The minute she moved up there she cut off communication with me. I drove 5 hours up with all her stuff, every concievable necessity to start a new life along with furniture I bought for her. I had visions of helping her decorate and spending the night to go food shopping the next day and fantisized that it would be a wonderful bonding experience. The minute I moved the last box in she gave me the boot. It was late in the evening and on a Saturday in the summer there were no hotels available that I could afford, so I had to make the 5 hour drive right back in total shock. I would call her and text her and she would not reply for weeks. I was paying for her phone and told her that if she wasn't going to call me ever or return my calls that I was going to shut it off. She started calling me for a while then it dropped back off. On her birthday in October I drove up to spend time with her and got a nice hotel. She fought me to even come visit me when it was less than minutes from her apartment. I fed her, filled up her fridge, bought her necessities and thought we were back on track. She immediately went back into the freeze out. It was a particularly difficult year, as her older brother (19) got into trouble with the law and was sentenced to prison and it was crazy times. I tried to keep it together as best I could. I have been a single mother since she was two and her brother was four. Her dad basically abandoned them and didn't pay child support for years. He never picked them up or kept them for even a 24 hour period. He suddenly surfaced and asked to help out with her living expenses and for some tuition, which I gladly obliged him. Things finally settled down with her brothers legal battles and I am somewhat stable again. He is serving some county time, but won't be home for Christmas. She came down for Thanksgiving with her dad from LA, and he dropped her off at my house. She immediately fought with me and complained that she had to see all her friends and other family while she was here just over night and barely spent any time with me. She infomed me the next day that she had to go home and could I give her a ride up to Santa Barbara. I wasn't informed of this plan, but thought we could at least spend that time together and bond, but she slept the entire way and just hopped out of the car and bid me adeu. Driving away again stunned and feeling used, I tried to shine it on and would occasionally call and text my daughter to ask if she was planning to come down for any time over Christmas. She is out of school for 3 weeks and only works a few hours in a shoe store, so I stocked my fridge with all her favorite foods, bought her a bunch of gifts and was getting excited to see her and spend time with her. Nothing. Finally her father texted me and told me she was coming down, that he had bought her a train ticket. Stunned I asked if she was planning to see me at all, as I was unaware of her plans. He texted me back stating that she was staying with me! Well, she had not even bothered to inform me and I am feeling all hurt and disrespected. So I called her and texted her repeatedly asking her to call me and let me know she was at least alive and that I resented her father who abandoned her informing me of her plans, etc. She called me all terse and started in on me about how I had sheltered her during high school and that she is on her own now and resented how I raised her so strictly and kept her from her pot smoking friends, etc. She said that I don't think she's capable and that my calling and wanting to talk to her and see if she is coming home for Christmas puts pressure on her and "stresses her out". So I said fine. So be it. You think you wre on your own when I came up and moved you? When I found you an new place when you got evicted? Paid your rent and all your bills and put money into your account when you needed and paid for your phone that you never called me on? I told her that now she can be on her own really and said I don't want her to bother with seeing me for a minute and splitting her time with all her friends and other family. That I don't want to see anyone who feels obligated to see me. I told her to get a new phone as I would be turning hers off in the morning and told her I think she is selfish and cruel as my son is in jail and I am all alone now. Her father bought her a new phone and she won't give me the number and he told me I was out of line for "threatening her". I told him it was not a threat and that I was done being abused by her lack of respect and disregard. And how dare he, the father who abandoned her, tell me how to raise and interact with someone I spent every day with for the last 18 years! Am I crazy? Can anyone give me advise as what to do to bridge this gap that has erupted over the last 5 months between me and my daughter that I love and adore?

It was growing for years, but most likely she was not allowed to show or tell you how she felt. Or if she did you were not listening.

So you leave it at no contact and stop paying all of bills,
Let her be the one to come back to you, but leave the doors open by not saying things you may regret

I'll be honest, I didn't read the entire thing so please take my response with a grain of salt. However this sounds somewhat similar (although perhaps not as dramatic) as what my sister has done... twice.

My parents are having a hard time with it also. My sister, fortunately, hasn't cut my family off like your daughter seems to have done. I try to tell my parents pretty much what the second part of Chuck has said.

You've obviously done quite a lot for her. She's now 18, and made the decision to move out on her own. Stop paying bills, and leave it up to her to contact you. As Fr_Chuck said, keep the doors open, but your mouth shut (sounds harsh, but I thought the whole statement went well together).

The best you can hope for is that she will eventually realize how important family is. But if you continue to try and contact her, you'll only push her away. Plus, if she does ultimately decide not to talk to you, it will only make things harder on yourself. Try to move forward.

At least... that's what I'd do. *shrug.*

Yea, teens go through rebellious phase, I think from what I've seen its reactionary. You've done a lot that should not have gone unappreciated, I know for a fact that moms some times just want peoples appreciation, my mom told me this as well.

If the father is understanding, no bad feelings left from your relationship, them talk it over the situation with him, maybe even just so he doesn't have negative ideas about you.

If he does have bad feeling for you, like a vain dislike kind of thing, leave it- there's a story in the bible, the parable of the prodigal son... many parents find themselves in that situation, all you can do is wait out the storm and keep your love for her for a time when she's read to earn it.

Frankly, it sounds like she has quite a lot of growing up to do. 18 is still very young and she's showing it by her willingness to take your gifts/food/etc. then disrespecting you in such a way.

She doesn't want to be sheltered? That's a good start - stop buying her things and let her see how hard things can be. In the mean time, your door will be open and you can be the soft spot she can land on - when she can learn to appreciate you.