Hi all, obviously, my problem is about a woman. We broke up to weeks ago. The main reason (she said) was that she didn’t believe in a future for us anymore. We have been a couple for 18 months. The last couple of weeks of our relationship we had a lot of fights. I almost always started the fight because I felt I didn’t see her as much as I’d liked to and because I felt she didn’t make enough efforts to be together with me. So we broke up after a fight one night, got back together for a week and one week later she broke up with me again “because she didn’t know if she really wanted a future with me”. I cried, she cried, we hugged and finally said goodbye. When I asked her if this break-up was definite, she said she didn’t know. My main problem is that I want her back. Now that I have time to think it all over I know what the problem in our relationship was: she’s 3 years younger than me (19) and doesn’t want to commit to a relationship to the same level I do. I wanted to move on faster than her and had all kind of plans in my head that she wasn’t ready for. After all, I recently started working while she is still a student. Now I realize that I have put too much pressure on her by always wanting to be together with her. I told her this in a letter and she agreed with me. The problem is that now I realize these problems and I’m willing to change and give her more time and space etc. I never even thought of the possibility of us ever separating because we loved each other unconditionaly, I thought. We’ve been through a lot and we always managed to work it out. She said she still loves me but she’s not in love with me anymore like she used to be. She also said she wanted to keep in contact with me and has called me a couple of times since we broke up. The first days I begged a little and acted a little bit pathetic but ever since I managed to stop myself from trying to “convince” her or even talk about the relationship. The night I wrote her that letter she called me in tears and said she was sad because of the way things are going. Of course I interpreted this as hope. For the last week I didn’t seek contact with her and I didn’t hear much from her except some “casual” messages to hear how I’m doing. I’ve let her know (in the letter) that I still love her and want her back but that it’s going to take a lot of time for both of us to figure everything out.
Actually I already know what all your answers are going to be: to move on with my life and to forget about her. However, she is in my head 24-7. I can’t think of anything else. I’m completely fixated on the question: “will I get her back?”. Sometimes I think that I should let go and that everything is already said and done between us. That there is nothing in this world that will fix the love we had. That I am just reading in between lines and that my hope is false hope. Another part of me is saying that I’m being too pessimistic. That we both just need time and space to figure this out. That it is not a definite break-up.
The little voice in my head that says I have to let her go is killing me. The other (more quiet) voice that says I have to hold on is killing me too because it doesn’t help me to hold on to hope. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I wish I could look at it from a distance but I just can’t because I miss her too much.
Can anyone offer me some advice please? Is there a realistic chance of getting back together and how?

Hi,

Sorry to hear about the pain you are going through at the moment, I know it only too well, I am 10 weeks post breakup and have gone through all the motions you are going through over and over and over and still going over but it gets better with time...

O.K here goes...

Firstly, I notice your question being asked as "hold on, move on, or both?". This is a very contradictory question, since you cannot move on if you are still holding on, and letting go is part of the process of moving on! You need to understand this before you can begin to work on moving on..


My main problem is that I want her back. Now that I have time to think it all over I know what the problem in our relationship was: she's 3 years younger than me (19) and doesn't want to commit to a relationship to the same level I do.

It sure is your main problem, because until you realise that this relationship is over, at least for now (but possibly for good) you will not be able to move on. You pointed out that she is only 19 and you are 22. You are both way too young to commit to a serious relationship at this time. She needs to experiment and date other men at this time and you need to date other women. Sorry if this hurts but I know the situation you are in. Read my thread https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-breakup-help-39548.html for my own story! Point is, you need to let go and realise that she is not ready for the kind of commitment that you FEEL you are ready for.


The first days I begged a little and acted a little bit pathetic but ever since I managed to stop myself from trying to “convince” her or even talk about the relationship.


I can't blame you for doing this, I did this also at the very early stage and it is understandable given the feelings you most definitely have for this woman. Truth is though, it did not do you any favours and would have reinforced her decision to walk!


Now I realize that I have put to much pressure on her by always wanting to be together with her. I told her this in a letter and she agreed with me. The problem is that now I realize these problems and I'm willing to change and give her more time and space etc.

It is good that you recognise where it is you went wrong. You were too available to her and unfortunately, by doing this, you were actually pushing her away during the relationship, making her your life and perhaps being a little needy. Even though you did not want to come across in this way, this is how it would have been interpreted by her. It is a smothering situation to be around your partner too much or talk to them on the phone too much. You need to work on yourself, making steps to improve yourself. Trying to get her back and put things right immediately is an illusion driven by your intense need to have her back in your life. Just because you recognise the problem does not mean you can put it right without making improvements to yourself first. You need to create a healthy life now without her and show her, as well as yourself that you can live a life without her..

How do you do this? You'll hear it a lot in this forum from others and this is NO CONTACT! Oh. But I must point out that No Contact is a time for you to work on yourself i.e. go to the gym, work hard, study, whatever.. It should not be viewed as a means of getting her back. I was making this mistake but I got put right on this one by a few wise fellows.


Actually I already know what all your answers are going to be: to move on with my life and to forget about her. However, she is in my head 24-7. I can't think of anything else. I'm completely fixated on the question: “will I get her back?”. I don't know what to do or think anymore.Can anyone offer me some advice please? Is there a realistic chance of getting back together and how?

She will be in your head 24-7 for quite some time to come. This is a huge loss for you! What you must do now to help yourself heal from this loss is to:

1.) Maintain NO CONTACT -- NO LETTERS, E-MAILS, PHONE CALLS, TEXTS, NOTHING!

2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever.. Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)

3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person. Perhaps you have lost part of who you were before you met her. Try to establish what this was and get it back.

Is there a realistic chance of getting back together? Anything is possible but the only way it could ever happen is for you to MOVE ON and find a life without her.. Accept that she is gone! Chasing and telling her that things will change will not work. Believe me, I know it won't, others on here have done it and I have too! Does not work like this!

Whenever you need any advice or you are feeling down, come on here and talk, believe me these guys and gals offer great advice and they have helped me immensely and they will help you too!

I wish you well and hope that your healing starts soon!

Thx a lot for your advise, I feel a lot better already. I agree with everything you say. I know now that "needing" somebody isn't the same as "loving" somebody. I need time to figure everything out. The problem is that she expects me to call. The last thing I want to do is piss her off and drive her even further away from me because - although- I know chances are thin- I still want her back on the long term.

Thx a lot for your advise, i feel a lot better already. I agree with everything you say. I know now that "needing" somebody isn't the same as "loving" somebody. I need time to figure everything out. The problem is that she expects me to call. The last thing I wanna do is piss her off and drive her even further away from me because - although- I know chances are thin- I still want her back on the long term.


Good, you are ALREADY making positive steps in understanding what it is you must do! There will be ups and downs but many people here will be willing to help you through this!

Chin Up!

Just to realize what it is I must do does not make it easier. The only reason I'm going to do as I said (no contact etc) is because I think it will increase my chances of getting her back. Is it wrong to think like that? Thanks

just to realize what it is I must do does not make it easier. The only reason I'm going to do as I said (no contact etc) is because I think it will increase my chances of getting her back. Is it wrong to think like that? thx
No its not wrong to think like that... but you also have to keep in the back of your mind she might not come back... go on with your normal life and if you run into her somewhere a simple hi and bye will do... and she will realize after a while "WHAT DID I LET GO OF"

just to realize what it is I must do does not make it easier. The only reason I'm going to do as I said (no contact etc) is because I think it will increase my chances of getting her back. Is it wrong to think like that? thx

YES...

Very, Very wrong and although you are more likely to get her back in reality if you give her the space she needs, it is very unhealthy for you to think like this at this stage!

I held onto this and believe me you are thinking like this (understandably after only 2 weeks), unlogically. I understand you want her back man! Believe me, I understand, but No contact alone is not going to bring her back..

Given some more time, and more advice, you will learn that there are deeper reasons for No Contact!

If you contact her, you will push her further away guaranteed. The hardest thing you will need to come to terms with is the fact that she may never, ever be back and that is not a reflection of you but a great possibility...

It's all so fresh at the moment and in time (IN TIME) you will begin to understand this more!

Anything you want to ask or if you get to the point where you think you are going to contact her, please come on here and talk to whoever before you do something you may regret!

So what you're actually saying is that the best chance of getting her back is to not try. Maybe you're right but when I say it out loud my brain gets a short circuit.

NO ITS NOT WRONG TO THINK LIKE THAT...BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO KEEP IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND SHE MIGHT NOT COME BACK...GO ON WITH YOUR NORMAL LIFE AND IF YOU RUN INTO HER SOMEWHERE A SIMPLE HI AND BYE WILL DO...AND SHE WILL REALIZE AFTER A WHILE "WHAT DID I LET GO OF"

It is understandable that you feel like that but wrong in terms of unhealthy for your healing process to begin..

There is nothing wrong about what you are feeling but there are steps to be taken for you to begin to move on but these will take time... 2 Weeks is nothing and you have a long way to go and you will take as long as you need as an individual..

There are no time limits...

Like I say, I am 10 weeks post breakup and have come a long way, definitely not there yet.. I was in love with my ex and was crushed by what happened but believe me, things will get better!!

so what you're actually saying is that the best chance of getting her back is to not try. Maybe you're right but when I say it out loud my brain gets a short circuit.


The best thing you can do is forget about getting her back!

I KNOW IT IS HARD!! I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND!

You need to take some time out to think about what I said in my first response... I did this with all the responses I got in my thread..

Eventually, I started to see the logic in what people were saying..

Do you know what? I have got more good advice on here than anywhere else in my life, relatives or friends because my situation was viewed from people who were giving a critical opinion which was not biased in any way but a true reflection of what they saw based on what I told them..

So what I am saying is you need to stand back, try and look at the bigger picture, but it is going to be hard at this stage because you are still at the point of thinking you want her back and nothing else will seem like an option..

I was like that, sometimes I still am, only 10 weeks for me remember but I find myself slipping less into the "will she come back" but more into the "would I really want her back" and believe me I loved my ex, I really did!.

You will get through it... Anything else you want to ask, go ahead..

I am hoping some other folks will step in here and help you to give you a new perspective on things..

Also,

Please remember or understand that:

If you love someone, I mean truly love them, then letting them go is a true measure of the love you have for them if that is what is best for them whether you feel it is or not.

I'm sure you know all of this, you just need a little reminding in this difficult time..

I think you've hit it on the head with admitting that you moved way too fast and pushed her too hard, etc. I don't honestly know what the odds are of you getting back together but I wouldn't bank on it. Live your life as though you aren't going to get back together. Get busy and involved with things now while you're on your own and not with anybody. It sounds to me like you're an overly needy person and that usually comes from boredom and having too much time on your hands. Get involved with your career, your education, your friends. Join a club or a gym. Do volunteer work. The list of possibilities goes on and on.

I agree with whatall you guys are saying and I'm going to leave it be for a while. Try and get this whole thing out of my head. It's probably easier said then done because I'm thinking about it all of the time. The problem is that I still have sort of a masterplan in my head you know. A plan to get her back. I now it's not the way to go but it's the only way to cope with it for now: the knowledge that it's not impossible to get back together, although I know that it may never happen.
I read this quote: "Do not worry about things falling into place, where they fall, is the right place."
I know it's true, but then again, for now, for me, the only right place is her by my side.
I have also a question about the no contact thing. I'm not going to contact her or anything for a while now, but what is a while: enough time to stop needing her? To stop wanting her? Or enough to stop loving her?
Grtz

My heart goes out to you. It is one of the most difficult things to get over, I know, I am still trying to get over it. You just have to take each day as it comes, but plan things to look forward to : ) Set yourself some goals. Even if it is just to look after yourself. When I think of everything I have done since my ex finished it, it is quite a lot : ) I know someone who lost 3 stone, was drinking all the time etc when her fiancé left her. I decided I was not going to be like this, I was going to take control of my own life, when it happened to me. You do become stronger, and it will take time, do not beat yourself up over anything, the way you feel or deal with things. It is a natural way to get through things.

I have also a question about the no contact thing. I'm not gonna contact her or anything for a while now, but what is a while: enough time to stop needing her? to stop wanting her? or enough to stop loving her?
grtz

No contact is for you only. I know what you are thinking, "if I don't contact her, she will miss me, she will wonder and wonder". The truth is, Yes, that is a possibility and it will be respecting her need for space, so a wise move. No contact though really should be just about you, making improvements for you and you alone.

I spent ages thinking like that and have come to the realisation that my ex won't be back and believe me, if you read my thread, you will see that I am not much different to you in terms of how I treated her. I just met her at the wrong time in her life.

To answer your question but I don't think you should think too much about this, you should maintain No Contact for 2 - 3 months but don't expect her to be calling you after this time. Also, don't contact her after the 2 - 3 months has passed. By the time this has passed, things will be clearer, you will still hurt for sure, but not as much.

The more time that passes, you may even decide that you don't want her back, maybe...

I notice you said in your recent response "but what is a while: enough time to stop needing her?"

This is part of the problem as to why you broke up and something you need to work on while you have No Contact. You should not Need her in your life in order to make your life complete. Wanting and Needing are two very different things. By adjusting your life and occupying yourself with different activities and different people, you will be taking a big step in changing this idea of Needing...

I know what it is like to lose part of who you are because you become too attached to that one person who you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with..

Things can only get better!

I figure that I'm not over her yet at all and that before I am over her or at least stop needing her, I can't even begin to dream of wanting her back.
I'm not sure about the no contact stuff actually. We always had a very open relationship. I mean we told each other everything. Maybe it's just better to tell her that I'm not over her and that I'm not going to be over her in a while so she just has to take it easy on me.

I figure that I'm not over her yet at all and that before I am over her or at least stop needing her, I can't even begin to dream of wanting her back.
I'm not sure about hte no contact stuff actually. We always had a very open relationship. I mean we told eachother everything. Maybe it's just better to tell her that I'm not over her and that I'm not gonna be over her in a while so she just has to take it easy on me.

JDOP, I had a very open relationship with my ex, I spent 3 years with her, was engaged, she told me everything and I did to her. Most if not all people on this forum giving you advice will most likely say the same thing. You just FEEL that your relationship was somewhat different than anyone else's, somewhat more SPECIAL..

You know what, it was not.

It was special... Special to you, but no different to many other thousands of relationships that break up every day...

I don't mean to sound like I'm downgrading what you had or what you are going through but what I'm trying to do is put this into perspective for you. By telling her now that you are not over her and you won't be for some time is going to give her the idea that she can have you whenever she wants, that she has got you as a backup in case things don't work out with what she is doing now.

I know you want her back mate, I really understand but telling her this will make things twice as bad and will also leave you feeling worse too...

Hi all, obviously, my problem is about a woman. We broke up to weeks ago. The main reason (she said) was that she didn’t believe in a future for us anymore. We have been a couple for 18 months. The last couple of weeks of our relationship we had a lot of fights. I almost always started the fight because I felt I didn’t see her as much as I’d liked to and because I felt she didn’t make enough efforts to be together with me. So we broke up after a fight one night, got back together for a week and one week later she broke up with me again “because she didn’t know if she really wanted a future with me”. I cried, she cried, we hugged and finally said goodbye. When I asked her if this break-up was definite, she said she didn’t know. My main problem is that I want her back. Now that I have time to think it all over I know what the problem in our relationship was: she’s 3 years younger than me (19) and doesn’t want to commit to a relationship to the same level I do. I wanted to move on faster than her and had all kind of plans in my head that she wasn’t ready for. After all, I recently started working while she is still a student. Now I realize that I have put to much pressure on her by always wanting to be together with her. I told her this in a letter and she agreed with me. The problem is that now I realize these problems and I’m willing to change and give her more time and space etc. I never even thought of the possibility of us ever separating because we loved eachother unconditionaly, I thought. We’ve been through a lot and we always managed to work it out. She said she still loves me but she’s not in love with me anymore like she used to be. She also said she wanted to keep in contact with me and has called me a couple of times since we broke up. The first days I begged a little and acted a little bit pathetic but ever since I managed to stop myself from trying to “convince” her or even talk about the relationship. The night I wrote her that letter she called me in tears and said she was sad because of the way things are going. Of course I interpreted this as hope. For the last week I didn’t seek contact with her and I didn’t hear much from her except some “casual” messages to hear how I’m doing. I’ve let her know (in the letter) that I still love her and want her back but that it’s gonna take a lot of time for both of us to figure everything out.
Actually I already know what all your answers are going to be: to move on with my life and to forget about her. However, she is in my head 24-7. I can’t think of anything else. I’m completely fixated on the question: “will I get her back?”. Sometimes I think that I should let go and that everything is already said and done between us. That there is nothing in this world that will fix the love we had. That I am just reading in between lines and that my hope is false hope. Another part of me is saying that I’m being too pessimistic. That we both just need time and space to figure this out. That it is not a definite break-up.
The little voice in my head that says I have to let her go is killing me. The other (more quiet) voice that says I have to hold on is killing me too because it doesn’t help me to hold on to hope. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I wish I could look at it from a distance but I just can’t because I miss her too much.
Can anyone offer me some advice please? Is there a realistic chance of getting back together and how?
you know what... it appears that the two of you are in a very close environment.. take a holiday or find some relief work to do somewhere in Darfur or something... it will soothe your pain and give you a sense of self-value and independence.. because you will be unconsciously force to use your brain resources for something else

Just the thought that she is never going to say back "I love you" anymore makes me want to jump of a cliff. I've managed to keep my cool over the last week but there are times, like right now, that I feel I can't handle it anymore

just the thought that she is never going to say back "I love you" anymore makes me wanna jump of a cliff. I've managed to keep my cool over the last week but there are times, like right now, that I feel I can't handle it anymore

You have got the strength to get through it. I am a sensitive kind of guy and I thought I could not get through it but I am making progress.

And I know you can too.

What are you doing to get your mind off it?

It seems to be that keeping busy is the key. Do as much as you can to keep busy, even things that you wouldn't normally do. If I feel bad I feel better going to the gym and I have found this week, I just keep swimming up and down the pool to get rid of the feelings of sadness and frustration. It is also benefiting me physically as well as mentally. I know it sounds crazy, but it is either this or I break down.

Hey,
I'm dealing with some serious pain right now and I would really appreciate some advice. I posted here about a month ago that my 1.5 yr girlfriend broke up with me, basically because I became too needy. We had little contact the first 3 weeks. When I asked her, is this a definite break-up, she always responded with things like "we'll see", "never say never" etc. Now it has been 3 weeks with no contact whatsoever, although I said I would like to keep in touch with her (I changed my mind). Now I hear (there's rumours everywhere) that she has slept with her former ex (the guy before me). I mean this guy is the prototype of a jerk. When she broke up with him, He practically stalked her for a half a year. He cheated on her and generally has no respect for women. So when I heard this rumour I didn't believe it at first. I would rather believe that the pope isn't a catholic. I knew her. And it is the last thing I would have expected her to do. Moreover, this ex was also I a one year relationship with a girl and the second he knew I was dumped he also broke up with her. Don't these people realize the emotional damage they conflict on two other people? It is like she has become another person. Even now I find these rumours very very hard to believe (although they come from reliable source) because I never thought she was the kind of person to do these kind of things. I'm not sure if I would want her back now even if could get her back. I'm guessing this is all some kind of a rebound thing but hey, why do you have to make this so painful for the people you leave behind? Isn't she ashamed of herself? Doesn't she realise that what she is doing is essentially wrong? Has she no respect for me at all? The fact that I have to hear about this kind of **** from other people speaks for itself

I have now a second taught about her cry when you send a letter . I thing the rumors are true .The fact you not recognize her anymore prove that you never now this girl really.
To respond to your previous question Now : Move on !
Don't try to think about her actions anymore . You will not reach at any conclusion .
Consider this chapter close to you .I now it is hard to do so but it is the best way to do.
Even if you will going together in future ,the things will never be the same for YOU.
The doubts will chase you all the time .Try to have time with your family, with your friends and try to heal you .Cut all the contact with her , is not warted

Be a good time to end all the confusion by cutting her out of your life and move on. Get a life that does not include her and be happy that its over.

I already have a life that doesn't include her. I thought I was doing fine, until I heard about this. I haven't slept all night thinking about her having sex with that jerk. I mean this was the last thing I thought was going to happen. They practically hated each other. I stilll love her, but now I realize I am not loved back anymore. Otherwise she wouldn't be sleeping with another guy. I feel so hurt though. How is it possible that somebody this sweet can turn into sombody this cold? I thought I knew her better than myself. That's why it is so hard to believe all of this. I just don't understand. Why, for the love of god did she had to do this?

Hiya,

Ex's behave in a strange way. What makes it so hard for us, is we still see this as the same person we were with, who loved us etc. We cannot understand why they would do so many things to hurt us.

It was best that this person did not tell you that information if you ask me, you didn't need to know it right now. It was a stupid thing to do. Well, you know now, you can take a positive from this, and just think you are worth more than that. As she would cheat on you if you were together again probably.

The signs are all there that it wouldn't work if you got back together. Try to put these thoughts out of your mind. I know I dread the day I find out my ex is with someone else. That is the ultimate torture, it is like being kicked when you are already down.

I know you already have a life, just try to keep going with positive thoughts and do positive things. There is nothing else for it, I am finding that as well.

I know what you mean wap. Finding out about the ex with someone else is a real risk you take when you choose to remain in touch or as a "friend" in hopes of a reconciliation with them. You may be secretly hoping that being nice to him will result in a reconciliation while the ex thinks, "this girl I used to date is my friend now, she's fine if I tell her about my new girlfriend." That's what happened to me. It was heartbreaking. I wasn't exactly his friend and he knew I wasn't prepared to be, but he kept emailing me anyway despite my asking him not to and stupid me would still read his emails hoping for signs that he wanted to reconcile. I would sometimes reply briefly and kindly just so he wouldn't think I was bitter or cared too much anymore and this is what I got in return... a freshly broken heart. Be very careful about contact with any ex you still care for. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to certain matters.

I understand and I knew there would probably come a day that she has found a new love. You are not really sitting in my seat but this situation is completely absurd. The reason she left this guy (ohter than him treating her like ****) is because she fell in love with me (she didn't cheat on him though). And now they are back together. After she said numerous times that there was no chance at all for them getting back together. Absurd, that's what it is. I feel like I have been fooled 1.5 year. I can only see 2 explanations for her behaviour: 1. She felt lonely because I hadn't contacted her in 3 weeks (even though I said I would) she needed a friend to talk to, he was there and things happened. It was only a rebound.
2. It wasn't a rebound, she fell in love with him again and had sex because they were in love. I hope the first possibility, I fear the latter one. The thing is that she probably wanted to keep it quiet and I don't think she even realizes that I know. In fact everybody knows. And everybody is as shocked as me. I really don't understand how she could do this. Anybody but him. And she could have waited a little longer. The message I am getting now is: "you mean nothing to me and you never did". That's just cruel and I really can't understand.

JDOP- For your own good, stop worrying about why this, what if that, and all the other crap your letting go through your mind. There is no answers to your questions, and no what's to your whys. In other words let it go. I know after a month your whole belief system is topsy-turvy and I empathize, buy get off that stuff that has your mind racing for things you may never know and stop wasting your time with this Why?Why? Obsesion. Not good. The sooner you get over the shock, and move to the acceptance stage then the sooner you will be free to putting yourself back together. Sorry to be so harsh, NAW that's not right, the truth is that I already know that sitting on a pity pot gets you nowhere and is counter productive, and what's needed is POSITIVE ACTION on your part, and I know its confusing, and hurts a lot still but you do yourself a great disservice by dwelling and no action. BEEN HERE DONE THAT, so look forward and move forward. Get busy. The more it hurt, the more you work.

off course you are completely right. I agree. But sometimes I think we need to be hurt in order to heal faster. I am wondering if I should call her and confront her with this. Not to win her back (off course) but to get it of my chest. I think that what she is doing is the lowest thing I can imagine. And I really would like to tell her that. Teach her some values like "respect". Actually I would really really like to know it all. Every disgusting detail. The more I get hurt, the faster I heal because I don't think I could ever forgive her this. I don't think of her as that sweet little blonde girl anymore, instead I think of her as a cold-hearted lying, backstabbing, labile and fake person. Maybe that's a good thing, but the hurt is almost unbearable

But sometimes I think we need to be hurt in order to heal faster.
Are you crazy or what? What part of positive is it you do not understand? The Negative energy you are stirring in you, will do you no good and can actually lead you down a wrong path, if you keep feeding into it. If all you can do is feel sorry for yourself, and stirring up crap you best leave alone, you will never heal. All this stuff is in your mind, and if you can't let it go then, THATS YOUR FAULT, NOT HERS!

I don't want a reconcilliation, all I want is to tell her what she is

Let's say maybe better this way : she don't deserve nothing, not talk ,not to tell anithing , not to call, no stalk, no simpaty from you, no friendship, no nothing.
You deserve much, more, hapiness , a good soul near you to love you for what are you.
Move on !
It's hard but in the end is warted .

The best way to describe how I feel right now is by quoting the dire straits:

A lovestruck romeo sings a streetsus serenade
Laying everybody low with me a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it ?

Juliet says hey its romeo you nearly gimme a heart attack
Hes underneath the window she's singing hey la my boyfriends back
You shouldn't come around here singing up at people like that
Anyway what you going to do about it ?

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heartAnd I forget the movie song
When you want to realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ?

Come up on differents streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals ?
Where you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me think and thin
Now you just says oh romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him
Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above Ill love you till I die
There's a place for us you know the movie song
When you going to realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ?

I can't do the talk like they talk on TV
And I can't do a love song like the way its meant to be
I can't do everything but Id do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All do is keep the beat and bad company
All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Julie Id do the stars with you any time

I don't want a reconcilliation, all I want is to tell her what she is
It isn't her that needs the telling, it's the part of you that is still shocked and in disbelief. And that is understandable too. Consider if you did tell her, she'll only deny it-- you'll both have a fast and furious game of "who can stick the blame." A pointless endeavor, really! I guarantee you'll walk away as unfinished as before with even more reason to dislike her. The fact is, you got fooled by someone somehow here. Either she did it to you and wasn't the person you thought she was or you did it to you and envisioned her as far more changed (ie, beyond the reach of her ex) than she really was. Or maybe a bit of both. Love has a way of making us look at others inaccurately sometimes.

If I were you, I would be using this painful time to consider carefully which one it was and then take appropriate measures to see if you can guard against that occurring again. But I'll bet you none of those measures will require any kind of "face off" with her, the one who hurt you so badly. Learn the lesson, save the cheerleader, ermm, I mean save yourself a lot of heartache down the road getting another dose of it. My condolences for your loss of the relationship and of your innocent view of love both -- one you can't do a thing about, the other you can make into something constructive like Tal has been suggesting to you, okay? :)

the weird thing is that everybody acts like this is something normal going on. Am I being a naïve boy by still believing in values like politeness and respect? Is it normal to dump somebody after 1.5 yr without even giving a proper reason and then after a month have sex with somebody you said you would never have sex with? I spoke to the ex girlfriend of the jerk yesterday and she is also completely devastated by it. If I would be in the shoes of my ex I would be very ashamed. There are words to describe people who act like that.

The fact is, you got fooled by someone somehow here. Either she did it to you and wasn't the person you thought she was or you did it to you and envisioned her as far more changed (ie, beyond the reach of her ex) than she really was. Or maybe a bit of both. Love has a way of making us look at others inaccurately sometimes.

I completely agree,

Love does blind us and we judge people inaccurately. I'm not sure about you JDOP, maybe it was a bit of both as referenced above from Val.

It does not make sense why she chose to do what she did with the kind of person you describe her ex to be. People make strange choices in life and sometimes become a victim of their poor decisions. She may have her regrets JDOP. You sound like a sincere person and she probably will regret giving that up.

The thing is though, you need to let this go, and consider her gone forever. This is not poor reflection of who you are, rather a negative person of who she is and not what you thought she was. The way you must look at this JDOP is that she was not a suitable candidate for a relationship with you. You deserve better and you will find better. You now my situation JDOP and I thank you for your help too!! But I am no different, I go through the motions too, I completely understand why you are feeling the way you are.

You must be strong and pull yourself together again. I know this is a set-back for you but you will get through it. I know you will but don't continue to analyze why she made her decisions as this is negative and you need to change all your behavior to positive again.

Like Skell told me a month or so ago, there will be many ups and downs for me and he was so right. There will be some for you too JDOP but you will get through it an be a much stronger person because of it..

People do some strange things, you just have to try and draw a line for yourself and say, the ex isn't my problem anymore. If they go off the rails that will only end in someone getting hurt, it might be them. It is crazy how people leave a trail of destruction behind them isn't it?

I can tell you are angry, mad and hurt. It is OK to be all of these things. I have not really been angry that much, that is my problem. I am hurt all the time. If I was angry it might help me. I just have to turn to something to do when I feel any of these feelings. Otherwise, I would just break down in tears every time and I know this won't help me, why should I be in tears over someone who doesn't care about me?
God knows what would have happened if I hadn't deleted his no.

This is why I am at the gym and the swimming, and on this site so much. You will have so many questions in your head, I know I do, as my ex wouldn't have the decency to talk to me now, or even at the time. It screws you up big time, all you can do is try to stay strong for yourself. I have been told time heals and we will get there in the end.

The only positive thing that I can think of right now is that I KNOW this guy is a jerk and that the whole thing is probably a rebound situation that will end soon anyway, anyhow. The feeling that I know that SHE is making mistakes (because this IS a serious mistake) while I'm healing, is making me feel a little bit better. I sincerely hope that she will pay the price for it later and that she will feel as I feel now. On the other hand, you are right, I am hurting a lot. It's like I am permanently being punched in stomach.

The only positive thing that I can think of right now is that I KNOW this guy is a jerk and that the whole thing is probably a rebound situation that will end soon anyway, anyhow. The feeling that I know that SHE is making mistakes (because this IS a serious mistake) while I'm healing, is making me feel a little bit better. I sincerely hope that she will pay the price for it later and that she will feel as I feel now. On the other hand, you are right, I am hurting a lot. It's like I am permanently being punched in stomach.


Hi JDOP,

She will feel the pain, it will hit home but you should not wish it to happen. I understand though why you are saying it. You resent her.. Actually JDOP, after my recent mistake, I felt this way to..

HUGE RESENTMENT over the weekend.. Luckily, I just kept myself to myself and spent the weekend at my sister's house and did not contact her.

Felt like it though LOL..

Try and carry the love with you and use it to become a stronger person. Thank her for the fact that without her, you would not have felt the love you did for her.

One thing I have been doing over the past couple of days is trying to find a way to get through the anger. I thank my ex for allowing me to discover what love can be and I know that eventually I will find it again, but maybe with someone who is ready for it too.

JDOP, you will find what you want again, for now just focus on your recovery and love will find you again. Let go of this woman and realise that her mistakes are HER'S, not yours.

All the best!

Hi, thanks all for your advice, it really helps quite a deal to hear different opinions about this. Yes I resent her, in fact, I wish I'd never met her.

Another thing that is playing ping pong in my brain is the thought that I might have driven her into his arms by maintaining the NC game. Maybe if I would have contacted her she might have not felt the need for being with him.

I know you're going to say that it's not true and that I have to stop thinking about it but it's all I can for the moment.

Each to their own lessons, painful or otherwise... it is how the world it works.

You won't feel like this forever, I promise.

Its just a real b**ch while you do.

Each to their own lessons, painful or otherwise.... it is how the world it works.

You won't feel like this forever, I promise.

Its just a real b**ch while you do.

Mrs Myagi (val) speaks the truth. You will get through this JDOP just like I will get through my pain too.

Your ex will have her lessons.

We all need them, if we did not experience anything apart from good then we would no nothing different. All of this is a lesson for you too JDOP..

Remember that!

Dear JDOP,

the weird thing is that everybody acts like this is something normal going on. Am I being a naive boy by still believing in values like politeness and respect? Is it normal to dump somebody after 1.5 yr without even giving a proper reason and then after a month have sex with somebody you said you would never have sex with? I spoke to the ex girlfriend of the jerk yesterday and she is also completely devastated by it. If I would be in the shoes of my ex I would be very ashamed. There are words to describe people who act like that.
Perhaps you need a better circle of friends? Just a thought you can come back to later, if it has merit and when you are ready. Or perhaps they are stunned like you too and don't know what to say or do. I put my bet on the latter.


The only positive thing that I can think of right now is that I KNOW this guy is a jerk and that the whole thing is probably a rebound situation that will end soon anyway, anyhow. The feeling that I know that SHE is making mistakes (because this IS a serious mistake) while I'm healing, is making me feel a little bit better. I sincerely hope that she will pay the price for it later and that she will feel as I feel now. On the other hand, you are right, I am hurting a lot. It's like I am permanently being punched in stomach.
Those are her lessons and its best if you stay out of them, tempting though they be. The hazard is focus on hers and you won't learn yours and lessons not learned have a way of repeating on you like bad meatloaf, you know what I mean?

hi, thanx all for your advice, it really helps quite a deal to hear different opinions about this. Yes I resent her, in fact, I wish I'd never met her.

Another thing that is playing ping pong in my brain is the thought that I might have driven her into his arms by maintaining the NC game. Maybe if I would have contacted her she might have not felt the need for being with him.
I know you're gonna say that it's not true and that I have to stop thinking about it but it's all I can for the moment.
You will have to "what if" and "If only" and "how could she" until you process this enough to see that it was probably meant to be unless there had been significant changes on both your parts. Then you will begin to understand yourself better, women better, people better. Its call experience and it makes the next time way easier as a result. You are right on track for how an intelligent person processes a wicked breakup so perhaps breathe a sign of relief over that. Just don't do anything rash and be as easy on yourself as possible right now, k?

Respectfully,
Mrs. Miyagi

OK I have an update. The jerk's ex went to see him today and asked what the situation was like. They have had sex. About a week after she broke up with me. The period that she was "in doubt" they already had close contact by mail and texting. So they are a couple now but neither of them is 100 % committed yet. Even the jerk has his doubts because he still loves his ex.
Now the best part comes: this afternoon the jerk and his ex had sex. (can u believe this guy). He didn't want to tell my ex girlfriend about it, but the girl told her anyway by text.

Soooo,
My ex has lied to me about this when I asked her if she had feelings for somebody else. She has kept me on the leesh by saying thing like "never say never" when she was in bed with someone else. She is a coward and a liar. I resent her

ok I have an update. The jerk's ex went to see him today and asked what the situation was like. They have had sex. About a week after she broke up with me. the period that she was "in doubt" they already had close contact by mail and texting. so they are a couple now but neither of them is 100 % committed yet. Even the jerk has his doubts because he still loves his ex.
Now the best part comes: this afternoon the jerk and his ex had sex. (can u believe this guy). He didn't want to tell my ex girlfriend about it, but the girl told her anyway by text.

Soooo,
My ex has lied to me about this when i asked her if she had feelings for somebody else. She has kept me on the leesh by saying thing like "never say never" when she was in bed with someone else. She is a coward and a liar. I resent her


I don't blame you JDOP for feeling this resentment. Like val (mrs Myagi) said earlier, your ex's lessons are HERS and not yours and although it is natural for you to be curious about what is going on with your ex, it does nothing positive for you dealing with your lessons.

Would you take her back after what she did to you JDOP?

She sounds immature and unsure about what she wants and her ex is even worse. Yet he is just taking advantage of her being confused and probably sees it as an opportunity to sleep with her.

This kind of thing happened with my ex, there was this guy that worked with her that could see that she was feeling confused and wanting to be single e.t.c. Well, he basically too advantage of the situation. I don't know the full story but in week 4, I bumped into her brother and he said she did go for a drink with him. I think they may have had sex (don't rea;;y like to think about it) but soon enough, he revealed his true colours. Guess what JDOP? He was a real player and apparently, she found out he had more than one woman he was doing it too.

It's not your fault JDOP, she does not deserve you! She is already learning JDOP and you are too.

I would also suggest you keep well away from anything or anyone that can give you an update as to what she is doing.

It will hurt you JDOP and prevent you from moving on.

Point is, try your best to not dwell on the mistakes she has made or is making.

"The night I wrote her that letter she called me in tears and said she was sad because of the way things are going"
I have now a second taught about her cry when you send a letter
They have had sex. About a week after she broke up with me
I hate when what I'v said is true in situation like you.
But you must:
SHE DON'T DESERVE NOTHING, NOT TALK ,NOT TO TELL ANITHING , NOT TO CALL, NO STALK, NO SIMPATY FROM YOU, NO FRIENDSHIP, NO NOTHING.
YOU DESERVE MUCH, MORE, HAPINESS , A GOOD SOUL NEAR YOU TO LOVE YOU FOR WHAT ARE YOU.
MOVE ON !
It's HARD but in the end is WARTED .
Really sorry buddy but
She is a coward and a liar

I'd wouldn't go back to this gal for all the tea in china. She's a mess. Drama and heartach is her middle name.

Just cut this one off.

I believe he doesn't anymore.

She sounds really mixed up too, she does not seem fit to be in any relationship with her emotions all oer the place.

You don't deserve this JDOP, it's her problem, not yours.

All I want now is to realize how much she has hurt me and her friend. I want her to see how repulsive this kind of behaviour really is. I want her to feel the pain I feel. And I will say: I don't care anymore.

The relationship she has with this jerk now is bound to fail anyway so that gives me courage for now.

On the other hand, I still love her, and I probably always will.

On the other hand, I still love her, and I probably always will.

You may always love her but that won't stop you finding love again with someone more deserving of you.

All I want now is to realize how much she has hurt me and her friend. I want her to see how repulsive this kind of behaviour really is. I want her to feel the pain I feel. And I will say: I don't care anymore.

The relationship she has with this jerk now is bound to fail anyway so that gives me courage for now.
That sounds like revenge and that makes you not worthy, be like a helium balloon and rise rise rise here - it is the only way to come away an honorable person. If she were to feel pain and you said, I don't care -- you become like her!

Know who you are. Let me remind you -- you are bigger than this. Much bigger.

Quit tapping into the damn drama. Very foolish move on your part! You hurt you doing that and then look to blame the added hurt on someone else - very wrong to do. Tell yourself you have seen enough to know who you are dealing with. Love who you thought she was and know she is no more--it is as if she died. Let go of the whole thing, dreams and all and let the grieving process begin or plan on much more suffering than is necessary coming to you.

Always take rumors with a grain of salt and always question the motives of people who tell you such things. However, I'd steer clear of her and maintain the no contact thing, despite what she may say. Work on yourself and build your own life without worrying about her. I'm sure that you'll find that you don't need her, especially if there is any truth to these rumors that you've heard.

I know the best thing to do is to be indifferent about the whole thing. Easier said than done though. I spoke to my dad yesterday and he said that I shouldn't want to hurt her but that giving a message like "I don't care about you or your actions" will hurt her a lot more than all the curses in the world.
Apart from feeling sorry for myself, I feel sorry for her too, even for the jerk. What they are doing isn't healty, and it's going to come back at them sometime.

Your dad has an excellent point.
Getting over someone who has wronged us is the best revenge.

JDOP,

Yeah I agree... I believe that 'what comes around goes around'...

I can totally sympathize with wanting her to learn a lesson, and to be hurt like you...

My ex hurt me really bad. We had a bad break up and just as I was getting over it I found out he had been married the whole time, bringing all that pain and anger back in full force. I was so furious at him and myself for being so gullable... I gave him excuses during our relationship... I told myself he was busy or forgot, or whatever... but in the end it was me that was the fool.

I had a chance to unleash my anger and I could have went directly to his wife and tell her everything. I also could have gone to his unit and reported him for adultery... I could have hurt him and made him pay for playing me like that... but it didn't feel right. I didn't want revenge... I knew that wasn't going to fix anything. I didn't want to resort to being a vengeful b****... so after confronting him and slowly letting things sink in, I let myself hurt... but then I decided it was enough. I had to let go... I didn't want to 'idolize' that relationship and think about it so much that I wouldn't be abe to see better ones in the future...

It takes time to heal, so I would suggest to let it hurt you a little bit, but don't let it consume you. Its going to hurt cause it was love, it was your heart... but you can heal and you don't have to 'teach her a lesson' in order to do that. You need to think of her as the past, let her go and make her mistakes and learn her own lessons. You have learned yours so you don't need to teach her anything... she will get it on her own.

You may want to have those last words... that last closing.. to try and put it all under the rug... I know how that feels so well! After the break up and after confronting him on the marriage... both times I wanted more to be said... I wanted answers to why... I wanted to feel closure... but eventually I gave up that too. I was only asking for more hurt. So I made up my own closure... I wrote out the story in a blog, everything we had, didn't have and what was lost... then I ended it with my final thoughts... and I have been free of him and the feelings I held onto for so long...

I can only hope that you do not let this hurt you for too long. You seem like you have been strong through it, being able to do the no contact, and being able to release your frustrations here... just keep doing what your doing and time will heal the rest...

Best Wishes

The most painful part is that I reall thought it was going to be forever with this girl. I thought she felt the same way about me, at least she told me so. I have never loved anyone like that before and I guess that is why I'm hurt so bad. The joke's on me. It comforts me to know that these kind of things happen every day. I just didn't think she was capable of doing it. And certainly not in this way. I know I couldn't do it to any person. Maybe I'm naïve and maybe it is not as resentful as I'm thinking now. The world has become filled with mean people all of a sudden.

Hmm wow yeah I know the very same feeling and he very same thoughts! It goes through my head when I think about my ex...

I tried to be so good to him, I tried to be so understanding... I thought I was doing everything right... only to be the fool in the end... and he continues to be happily married while I am stumped by his carelessness...

How do people go on when they know they have hurt someone they are supposed to love and care about? How do they have no conscious? Its like they never turn back, they don't try to fix it... they just ignore the broken hearts they have left behind... So agrivating! I have never been able to leave someone with their feelings hurt... no matter if I loved them or not.

Well Jdop, all I can say is to leave hope in your heart for the good people out there. I have not always been a great person, it was through mistakes that I have become the person I am now.. so good people can go bad, and bad people can become good... its a fact of life. Just remain a good one... :)

I am really tempted to send her a text with only: "genesis 3:13" which basically says: Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The
Woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

I know I shouldn't do it, I know I should act like I don't care what she did, but I dò care. This will make her feel bad, and that is what I want

I really don't think you should do that JDOP, your thinking with anger and resentment... as much as you want her to feel bad, she will feel more anger towards you... I don't think by writing her that text you will achieve what you want her to feel. If she has a guilty conscious at all, then if you tell her that it will go away. She will point her anger at you... I don't think she will feel humbled and bad about it... especially if she is still with him and thinks nobody knows... Just my guess:cool:

Please don't text that to her JDOP. I know that you are angry. You have every right to be. She hurt you, what she did was s***, but if nothing else, think of the big picture here. Wouldn't you rather walk away with some dignity and pride intact? Wouldn't you rather in the future have her look back on you as the good guy she is sorry she dumped when this situation she is in now blows up in her face? Or would you rather her remember you as the jealous angry ex she is glad she is away from?

I was hurt and angry about what my ex did too. I was dumped out of nowhere for a girl he just met and then he emailed me a couple of weeks ago to let me know he now lives with her. I could have killed him, I was so hurt and angry. In fact, I would love to call him or email him and use every word in the book against him right now. My anger is intense, but I tried to handle the situation with as much dignity as I could, so at least I don't look back and cringe with embarrassment one day. Not to let my ex off the hook at all. I believe that karma will come back to him. He will get what is coming to him in time.

Also when dealing with my ex, I thought of a part in the book by Greg Behrendt called, "He's Just Not That Into You", where he is telling girls the best way to handle their ex's. He said, "Always be classy ladies, never crazy." That phrase stuck in my mind when dealing with my ex recently. Always be classy, never crazy. That should apply to guys too.

hey,
I'm dealing with some serious pain right now and I would really appreciate some advice. I posted here about a month ago that my 1.5 yr girlfriend broke up with me, basically because I became too needy. We had little contact the first 3 weeks. When I asked her, is this a definite break-up, she always responded with things like "we'll see", "never say never" etc. Now it has been 3 weeks with no contact whatsoever, allthough I said I would like to keep in touch with her (I changed my mind). Now I hear (there's rumours everywhere) that she has slept with her former ex (the guy before me). I mean this guy is the prototype of a jerk. When she broke up with him, He practically stalked her for a half a year. He cheated on her and generally has no respect for women. So when I heard this rumour I didn't believe it at first. I would rather believe that the pope isn't a catholic. I knew her. And it is the last thing I would have expected her to do. Moreover, this ex was also i a one year relationship with a girl and the second he knew I was dumped he also broke up with her. Don't these people realize the emotional damage they conflict on two other people?? It is like she has become another person. Even now I find these rumours very very hard to believe (although they come from reliable source) because I never thought she was the kinda person to do these kind of things. I'm not sure if I would want her back now even if could get her back. I'm guessing this is all some kind of a rebound thing but hey, why do you have to make this so painful for the people you leave behind? Isn't she ashamed of herself? Doesn't she realise that what she is doing is essentially wrong? Has she no respect for me at all? The fact that I have to hear about this kind of **** from other people speaks for itself
Just forget about her.. she don't care for you.. then why the hell are you thinking much about it. I know its tough.. but sooner you forget her.. faster you will recover and come out of it.. if you can.. just try to find some better partner.. its good she left you after 1.5 yrs.. imagine if she would have left you after 5 or 10 or 15 yrs.. would have been tougher.. girls are like buses.. one gone. Next one will come.. don't wait for buses... enjoy life.. and be happy... its tough.. not impossible..

its good she left you after 1.5 yrs.. imagine if she would have left you after 5 or 10 or 15 yrs.. would have been tougher

This is a very good point. If this happened after a longer period, it would have hurt even more because you would have shared even more experiences together. There could also have been children involved the longer you were together.

My ex's mother said to me shortly after the break-up, "would you rather this not happen now Geoff after 3 years rather than 10 or 15 years down the line"

You must try and see it as her doing you a favour by leaving you so that you can move forward and find someone better for you.

Please think over a few times before sending her that text. I can tell you one thing, I am 100% against that idea. She might actually be scared by receiving such a text. I know you do not want to come across this way but you are just consumed with anger and resentment and you need to take some time out to sort through these feelings.

I don't think you will gain anything by texting her that and in fact you will regret doing it and only justify in her head that what she did was the right decision for her. Doing this might actually relieve some of her guilt. Think carefully JDOP and make the right choice with a clear head.

I know it's easier said than done but you really must try. If you like, you can PM me on here if you want to talk about it. You have been a good help to me too! Or if you feel like a vent, then post here before taking any impulsive decisions.

All the best for now.

The most painful part is that I reall thought it was gonna be forever with this girl. I thought she felt the same way about me, at least she told me so. I have never loved anyone like that before and I guess that is why I'm hurt so bad. The joke's on me. It comforts me to know that these kind of things happen every day. I just didn't think she was capable of doing it. And certainly not in this way. I know I couldn't do it to any person. Maybe I'm naive and maybe it is not as resentful as I'm thinking now. The world has become filled with mean people all of a sudden.
It is no joke. And the enormous pain of being lied to is very real. Every time. To take advantage of another's trust, albeit a somewhat naïve or innocent one, is a terrible thing. And if it helps, I have been watching this very thing here in the US for a very long time because I come from a whole family just like her. Can you imagine? It was hard surviving that -- the lack of integrity, the amazing conceit, the ability to see truth as relative, the cold calculated lying, first to themselves and then to others so they can rationalize every self serving action -- ugh! But they aren't so much mean JDOP, as sick. Not sick bad, but sick like soul sick. Dysfunctional.

It may seem all of a sudden to you, and I can appreciate that. I assure you what I call the "thousand nameless mental illnesses" have been claiming more and more people as my life travels on. It has cost me family, friends, lovers and now, as crazy as this sounds, a long standing career too. It serves no one to become as unhealthy as they are since despite how they make it look, they are truly unsettled, insecure, unhappy-- trust me. All the good things are still founded on honesty and while they remain dishonest, those good things are out of reach for them. And so they pretend at love without really knowing the meaning of it. They make it look like they trust you when they are really clueless. They appear happy when its only a good display of denial. In the meantime, know that the whole world is not like this and that because too many are, you must acquire discernment now more than ever. I wish for you lots of discernment out of this. You'll need it, we all do.

Once the pain eases up and you loosen your view of her a little, you may look back and find small clues that told you she wasn't entirely sincere, that she let her act slip now and then and that you just didn't want to believe something bad about someone you love and so you didn't. I know how tough it is discovering the one you love is untrustworthy and how tempting it is to look the other way. But we learn eventually that we do so to our own peril. This is not to say be paranoid of everyone. Just know that some people are really just that good at lying and be a little more careful, slower to give your heart and your trust. Look for confirmation about who they are. Look closely and see them as they are. Learn what constitutes a red flag.

The genuinely honest people will make mistakes too but they won't seek to hide them from you. Be like them, live honestly and kindly and reap the rewards of that. And know that the others reap theirs as well -- they really do.

OK, although I really really really want to, I'm not going to send that text. I guess I would not only send it because it might hurt her, but also because I think it's ironic to compare her to eve biting the apple and thereby casting humanity out of the paradise. She's not eve, and I'm not god. I'm just a boy with his feelings hurt.
When I talk to other people about it; sometimes I can even laugh about it. The absurdness of the whole situation is actually funny. She leaves that guy for me, and after 1.5 year she leaves me for him? I could make a movie about it

Once the pain eases up and you loosen your view of her a little, you may look back and find small clues that told you she wasn't entirely sincere, that she let her act slip now and then and that you just didn't want to believe something bad about someone you love and so you didn't. I know how tough it is discovering the one you love is untrustworthy and how tempting it is to look the other way. But we learn eventually that we do so to our own peril. This is not to say be paranoid of everyone. Just know that some people are really just that good at lying and be a little more careful, slower to give your heart and your trust. Look for confirmation about who they are. Look closely and see them as they are. Learn what constitutes a red flag.

The more and more I look back, the signs that everyone (friends & family) were telling me were there, I was denying. My family all told me that my ex was not sincere and that she did not know what she wanted. They also branded the engagement as a farce, the fact that my ex wanted the engagement just for receiving a ring and being the centre of attention at a party. I denied it at the time because I was so blind to the bad things about my ex. I wanted to believe that she was good and that she was sincere in her motivations for wanting to marry me. It left me feeling used and confused as to why someone who knew I loved them so much could tear my heart out.

But she did it and the truth hit home. I think you have also been hit JDOP with the same realization that she was not as great as you thought she was. I agree with what Val says above about looking more closely at a person and seeing them as they really are.

When I first met my ex, I did actually see some red flags but I was willing to give it a chance. As time went by, my feelings became far more intense until she had my heart and I was no longer able to see the red flags I first saw. When a serious relationship ends so suddenly, it does put you into a state of shock and you feel very numb. It takes time for the answers to unfold. You will never get all the answers you want but the ones that matter will come in time.

JDOP, I think it is a good idea that you have thought through sending that text and have decided not to do it. If it helps, write the text on a piece of paper and just think about how it looks. You are making the right choice not to send it.

Hey,
First of all thanks a lot for your advice all. I'm glad I still have a possibility to vent here. I know I shouldn't but I am still going over and over everything that happened. The main thing I want to know is "why?". Sometimes I can place myself in the thoughts of my ex and I can understand a little. I'm not so mad at her anymore. I figure she's just really really confused about everything. She probably realized that it wasn't working out for us and searched for some replacement. Her ex was an easy target because he was still in her back pocket after all this time. The guy was her first love and it is easy to evoke those feelings again as she has a long history with him. She is fooling herself though. There's a reason why they broke up in the first place, so why should it work now? The reason she didn't tell me about it was probably because she was afraid of my reaction and because she didn't want to hurt me too bad. It doesn't excuse her though. I don't think she is happy, even though she might pretend she is. She probably just shuts her eyes for all the grief she is causing and that is a very selfish thing to do. I actually would advice her to see a psychiatrist.
I'm having a lot of contact with the jerk's ex now, as she is hurting too. I'm hearing things from her that I should have heard a long time ago. My ex's dishonesty delayed my hurting process big time. I'm feeling pain now that I should have felt 5 weeks ago. Every time I'm hearing another detail I feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach, it's like I can't breathe anymore. I guess that's a normal reaction because I'm back where I started from 7 weeks ago. I haven't slept or eaten a lot the past few days but I'm slowly starting to pick myself up again. For now, I want to hear as much details as I can. It hurts but it helps because it makes me realize that I'm really better off without her (at least, at this stage in her life).

Dude you need some professional help yourself.
By JDOP

I say there's another guy in the game, especially when she was talking about going out and then denying it. I know you won't believe it at first but all the signs are there. It is a horrible thing and she is not worth you. Cut her off at once before she has a chance to hurt you even more
This is what you advised a poster to do, This is not the advice your following. Just curious why you choose torture as opposed to acceptance?

When I look at that guy's situation, I can look at it from a distance and then this is the best advice he can get. On the other hand I know how hard it is (if not impossible) to follow it because I'm in the same situation he is, only 7 weeks later

You both have very fresh wounds, so why torture yourself?

I don't see it as torture, I see it as a way of convincing myself that I'm stronger than her. That I do not want to be with her.

I don't see it as torture, I see it as a way of convincing myself that I'm stronger than her. That I do not want to be with her.

But you do want to be with her, why run and hide from the truth? I don't understand. Why must you convince yourself you are stronger than her? Am I missing something?

Just until 3 days ago, I just thought my ex was an honest girl, who just woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore. Now I find out that she was ******* around with her ex, that she lied to me. Someone who lies to me doesn't respect me, someone who doesn't respect me does not care for me. Finding that out is acceptance.

Just untill 3 days ago, I just thought my ex was an honest girl, who just woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore.
That is an incredibly naïve statement that borders on denial right there! Come on-- read it again and see how it sounds!

You knew she wasn't what you thought she was when she up and left suddenly without offering reasons. But that can only mean one thing - the reasons really suck. Now all you are doing is filling in the details of it. But I'll bet her dishonesty started before she left, if you would only see it realistically. All that you need in the way of information, you already have from all your experiences with her.

Honest but confused people don't claim to love someone and value the relationship one minute and break it off the next. It risks the entire relationship doing that. Actually it ends the relationship doing that. People who aren't telling the whole story do that. Honest but confused people who still want a relationship arrange for something far more constructive.

That she didn't even GIVE you the opportunity to work it out would, for me, end any possibility of engaging in anything ever again. That is what I would be outraged about. That kind of silent unilateral decision making smacks of such irresponsible selfishness, personal lack of integrity and utter disregard for a partners feeling that there simply would be no point in a joint venture with someone like that -- they are playing solo and need to stay that way as far as I am concerned -- pity the fool who attempts partnership with her in any capacity. You really need to see that part, I think. But I will assure you that if you do finally get it and see this for what it is, when you to talk to others about it, they may not see it and it will be as if you are talking martian language to them so don't be surprised. I would be very careful with the jerk's ex too, by the way. You need to run, not walk, from everyone in this -- unless you are a player too and just looking for a way back in the game.

Hi JDOP,

I would like to give you my honest opinions about your situation here.


I know I shouldn't but I am still going over and over everything that happened. the main thing I want to know is "why?". Sometimes I can place myself in the thoughts of my ex and I can understand a little.

It is natural for you to be going over and over everything that happened, to question constantly, 'why?' 'why?' 'why?'. Placing yourself into the thoughts of your ex won't help because you cannot understand fully what is going on in someone else's mind. They might not even know completely themselves their motivations for what they did. Analyzing someone for their motivations is not going to help you. I know JDOP, I did the same thing and still do at times but it really does not help you. It is really understandable that you are still feeling this pain and thinking about it constantly. I gather it has been approximately 6 weeks since your break-up and therefore you will have some time to go before you are through this.


I'm not so mad at her anymore.

I believe you are angry still JDOP and you would be denying your true feelings if you said you were not. Again, completely natural but again, this will not help you. It is o.k for you to feel anger towards her, she hurt you and you will feel this way for a while.


I figure she's just really really confused about everything.

Again you are jumping to conclusions based on what you want to believe. Never make assumptions. Again, something I struggled with too.


She probably realized that it wasn't working out for us and searched for some replacement. Her ex was an easy target because he was still in her back pocket after all this time. The guy was her first love and it is easy to evoke those feelings again as she has a long history with him. She is fooling herself though.

Yes, and this would likely be a rebound on her part that would fall apart rather quickly. That is not necessarily a fact but a great possibility. She may have kept him on the back burner and see him a safety pocket so she can get over what happened with you but in the end, if this is true, it will backfire. I am only making suggestions on this JDOP and please don't see this as a definite conclusion to what has happened here.


There's a reason why they broke up in the first place, so why should it work now?

Very True! And 100% on the money.


The reason she didn't tell me about it was probably because she was afraid of my reaction and because she didn't want to hurt me too bad. It doesn't excuse her though. I don't think she is happy, even though she might pretend she is. She probably just shuts her eyes for all the grief she is causing and that is a very selfish thing to do. I actually would advice her to see a psychiatrist.

This all proves that you are still angry and resentful of her and you have every right to feel that way but must also recognize that you still have those feelings.


I'm having a lot of contact with the jerk's ex now, as she is hurting too. I'm hearing things from her that I should have heard a long time ago. My ex's dishonesty delayed my hurting process big time. I'm feeling pain now that I should have felt 5 weeks ago. Everytime I'm hearing another detail I feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach, it's like I can't breathe anymore.

Perhaps you need to stop talking to this 'jerk's' ex because it is not helping you to constantly be hearing all the details of what is happening. You know what I did the other day JDOP with that myspace thing with my ex and this led me to believe (falsely or not) that she was on the lookout, if not already dating someone else. What did it do, nothing actually productive for me, all it did was hurt me because I read into everything. I know the details you are getting are probably more based on solid facts but the point is, none of this talking to this guy's ex is really helping anyone, her or yourself. You are just going around in circles and torturing yourself by getting more and more information about what she is doing.

STOP IT! don't go this to yourself, she has already hurt you enough and you do not deserve more pain. Evidently, you did not deserve any in the first place.


Everytime I'm hearing another detail I feel like I'm getting punched in the stomach, it's like I can't breathe anymore.

This is why you must break all contact with these people... ALL CONTACT.


I haven't slept or eaten a lot the past few days but I'm slowly starting to pick myself up again. for now, I want to hear as much details as I can. It hurts but it helps because it makes me realize that I'm really better off without her (at least, at this stage in her life).

You know enough now JDOP and now is the time to pull away completely from this situation. This is doing your mental and physical health no justice.

Cut yourself off from anyone associated with your ex, absolutely everyone. Only then can you begin to move on from this. Allow yourself some time alone and with friends and family to heal. Start to focus on you, I know you have heard this before but you have not really taken any of the advice and used it properly because you keep doing things which are unhealthy for you. This is hard enough and you are just making it harder for yourself. I am not perfect JDOP and I make mistakes, we all do but I do know that we all need to have things drummed into us so that we finally make the right decisions that are best for us.

Sorry for the long response but I felt that there are some issues that needed to be raised to help you through this.

All the best again JDOP.

Just untill 3 days ago, I just thought my ex was an honest girl, who just woke up one morning and decided she didn't love me anymore. Now I find out that she was ******* around with her ex, that she lied to me. Someone who lies to me doens't respect me, someone who doens't respect me does not care for me. Finding that out is acceptance.
I beg to differ, Finding out some one doesn't care for you is awareness (discovery) and is about learning. Acceptance is knowing you can't change the situation, and choose to go another route. What your doing is resisting the truth.

I appreciate all your advice. And believe me I'm learning from it. But on some things I just don't agree. Let me exemplify. Say you have a beautifull daughter. One day she gets kidnapped, raped and murdered. Wouldn't you like to know the details of her kidnapping? Where she was held? Who did it? How low she was captured etc? I think it is a neccesity to know all of these things before you can let her go. I know that I can't compare my situation to this but for some extent, it's the same thing. I don't need to know áll the details (the sex etc). But I would like to know things like: since when, how long, why before I can let it go completely

JDOP, That was a bad example, but aside from that the final choice is always yours and I may be blunt, I do recognize you have to do what you have to. No problem, just let us know if we can help.

Hi,
I made a previous post here about my girlfriend breaking up with me and supposibly getting back with her ex.
I have done NC for about 1.5 months. The problem is that she lives nearby and we have a lot of common friends. I went to a new years eve party yesterday. I knew she was going to be there too but I decided to go anyway because I felt that I shouldn't let her control my life. When she got there, she ignored me. She didn't even give me a look. After a while my sister went over to talk to her about getting back with her ex. She denied everything, although I know 100 % for sure that they are involved. She even denies it to her best friends.
Later that evening I came across her, I wished her a happy newyear and all and I tried to start a casual conversation. When I asked "how's school" she answered: "is that the only thing you want to ask me?". Then I said "no" and I walked away.
The only thing I tried to do is act normal around her. I didn't want to see her, I didn't even want to talk to her. I justed wanted to be polite. I'm aware that breaking the NC is a bad thing but I really didn't have much choice. I didn't have the intention to get her back by talking to her, but of course, I still miss her like hell.
Is it too soon just to act like normal people around each other?

Is it too soon just to act like normal people around eachother?
Apparently it's too soon for her. You made a decent attempt at it and she refused, so you don't owe her anything more. Go back to full No Contact.

JDOP..

Everything is done and dusted here.

Go back to full no contact. It is the best thing for you and her.

I'd continue sticking to the no contact rule. Even if you find yourself in each others' presence, like at this New Year's Eve party, you can casually say "hello" but leave it at that. If she asks "is that all you want to say to me?", your answer should be "yes." Don't worry about if she's getting back with her ex or anything else that may be going on in her life.

I know you're right. But now I'm on the verge of calling her. Not because I want her back (I don't, I don't even think I 'm in love with her anymore), but to say that she doesn't has to be afraid of me (which I think she is). That I'm not really mad at her. That if she wants to talk about it she can do it with me because she really seems messed up now, even more than I am.

Please don't call her. There is no reason to. Because why tell her if she wants to talk about something she can. If she wants to, she will. Your focus should be nothing on what she does or what her actions. Whether she got back together with an ex doesn't mean anything to you. Your focus should be on no contact and getting your life together and moving on. You can still miss her and move on too. You said it yourself you don't want to get back together just wanted to talk to her. It is obviously hard for her so that means keep on going with full contact. And be less available. If you run into her so be it but don't let it consume it.

You mean to say that after all the time and advice you have been given and even finding out for yourself that you need to let go, and move on your still on the verge of calling her to talk? Very hard headed and immature and not the way to start a new year. Spare us the drama and at least pretend like you get it.

I will spare you the drama. Thank god there are still places like this to talk about your problems

Nothing will ever be clear cut and be perfect the way you want. If it was you would wake up every morning and everything you ever wanted would be there for you.Why settle for something that doesn't even want you 100% and has someone else right now? Are you not good enough to find someone better. At least tell yourself you are. Confidence will do all the world for you. My ex is now back together with someone and even though she may still be in love with me doesn't mean anything. I enjoy being single and doing what I want to do. The excitement of being young and having the world at my finget tips is what drives me every day.

I want to make something of myself and make a difference and a woman is not how I will accomplish that. I want a woman but I definitely don't need one. I am just having fun and enjoying life and in no hurry to stop my life for one person. Take that advice and I know you will. The hardest part is telling yourself you can find someone else because your head and heart tell you she was the best thing. But if she was the best she would still be there and sometimes her leaving doesn't mean she never has to be in your life again. Move on completely and maybe at some point communcation can come back but not at the EXPENSE YOU.

It is a new year and a start of something great. You only get one life. And everyday you have the rest of the day to start a new beginning. No matter what happens early on or the mistakes that have happened, you can still start over.

Excellent advice Nohitter, sorry had to spread the rep so could not rate you.

JDOP, listen to nohitter here, all of his comments above really make sense.

Thanks Geoff I really appreciate it

The only advice in that situation I would give is MAKE HER LAUGH!! Tease her - make light fun of her drink, the party, what she's wearing. Act indifferent as well.

You seemed, even in your post, all uptight and insecure. Walking away was pretty bad. IF you can't talk to her then AND HAVE FUN - then what type of impression did you leave with her? Not good.

You should have teased her. You put too much inportance into running into her I bet. Not good for business.

No boring questions going forward. How's school? Can it get any more boring. How about - how are all the guys you're dating? And then smile. Be confident.

AND always - your life is great - having a grea time. Things are great.

Lighten up - be the fun guy.

BTW - I hope you get what I am saying. Do you want to be the fun guy... or the guy asking how's school? Seriously. Time for some changes.

I had a great time that evening, until she walked in (fortunately pretty late). I admit that I was feeling uptight and that I have put way too much importance on seeing her. The thing is though, when I saw her, that I wasn't as heartbroken as I thought I would be. It even made me realize that maybe I'm not even in love with her anymore. She didn't attract me or something. But of course I was nervous, after all, it was the first time I saw her after the break-up. The thing that upset me most was her pretending that I wasn't even there. And when she had no choice but to meet me, she was just plain rude. The reason I walked away was, because when I asked how's school, some girl came up to her and said something to her. I walked away because I didn't want to be a moron standing there waiting until I had her attention. For the record, I don't want her back, even if she asked me to. She is a lying slut. I just want to avoid very awkward situations like this one, because I will see her again. I feel like I'm in a soap opera, that she is creating. I don't understand why she is acting this way and I mean not only at the party but the fact that she is together with her former ex and then denying it to everybody; By the way, she was pretty drunk.

I want to be the fun guy. I AM a fun guy. She knows that as we were a couple. I'm not sonervous anymore about seeing her again. If I bumped into her again (which I will), I think I wouldn't give a sh*t anymore. This situation is this at the back of my head all the time but I'm not going to let it control my happyness and my fun anymore.

Be the fun guy - make fun of her (in a light way) - it shows a lot - that you Don't give a rats azz.

Women can smell fear a mile away.

Thank you for your excellent advice nohitter and wildcat. It really really helped me a lot. I just found out from my friends that she was kissing with this jerk the same night when I was out for a smoke, a half a hour after she denied being iinvolved with him. What is up with that. When I find out about this , at first it feels like being punched in the stomach, but after some time it only feeds my original feelings: resentment, indifference.

Here's another deal... there will ALWAYS be other guys. ALWAYS. Sometimes even after marriage.

You don't care.

Check out our post on 'nice guys' - I a mnot saying you're a 'nice guy' - but there are some great tips that may really, really help you.

Sorry - but she can't help herself - it's a NEW guy and he probably doesn't put much importance into this right now. He's the fun, CHALLENGE guy.

That's the irony :) It isn't a new guy. It is her former ex who never got over her and practically stalked her the first months we were together. It's a joke, that's what it is, a cruel joke.

What's helping me get through a similar situation is the understanding that the person you dated and fell in love with for so long isn't the person she is right now. That person may never come back, and its your job to realize that.

I don't know if it was apparent to you, but judging by the story you told, she's frustrated with you right now. That whole "is that all you wanted to ask me" thing is about your sister. She thinks you put your sister up to your dirty work and doesn't appreciate that. Weather or not you did is up to you.

It sounds to me like you need some power right now, and the less you care, the more power you have. It's hard, even when you still do care, you can't show it to these people. Remember, who you care about isn't her right now. Save it for when the time comes that she comes back to being the girl you fell in love with. If she doesn't, then think of how happy you're going to make some other girl with how much you can give now.

That what I was saying - there are always ex's as well. There are always other guys and as you get older you will have history with several women - and the girl your seeing will have history.

It's not a cruel joke - it's how you handle things - but MORE importantly what you learn!

You're right. New year's eve was a mistake.
The last few months I have learned a lesson that I will remember for the rest of my life

Good - now - throw away those negative thoughts. Bust her chops next time you see her. Do something funny like say - hey your flys down.

You know if you saw her again you could say, "I went to this great New Year's eve party, you should've been there it was great." or in a different direction, "I noticed you didn't talk to me at the New Year's eve party, I must really make you nervous." Say those jokingly not serious by the way. As you say even laugh.

I know you're right. But now I'm on the verge of calling her. Not because I want her back (I don't, I don't even think I 'm in love with her anymore), but to say that she doesn't has to be afraid of me (which I think she is). That I'm not really mad at her. That if she wants to talk about it she can do it with me because she really seems messed up now, even more than I am.

WARNING! Things usually end up in disaster when someone gives you sound advice and you answer with I know you're right... but...

There is no but here.

It's not your obligation, right or responsibility to tell her anything. Not that she doesn't have to be afraid, not that you're not mad at her, not that you're available if she wants to talk... nothing.

She knows you, she saw your offering of the olive branch (wishing her a happy new year) so she KNOWS she doesn't have to be afraid of you.

She knows you're not mad at her, come on, you know she knows that.

She knows that you still feel for her and that you would be available in a red hot second if she needed to talk.

If she needs something from you, she needs to come to you and ask you for it, you don't hand it to her on a silver platter. Only through making herself humble and vulnerable will she really appreciate who you are.

You know that she's involved with her ex and she isn't even willing to admit it to her best friends... something is not right. It's almost as though she's with him but is embarrassed of it somehow? Nonetheless, it's hers to deal with, not yours.

Is it too soon just to act like normal people around each other?
I think you have gotten your answer and I think its time to forget her and move on through healing yourself with a strict no contact rule and dedicate yourself to you. Leave the negative stuff alone as it will slow the healing process. Good Luck.

Of course she's embarrassed of it, not only is this guy the prototype of a jerk, he was also involved with one of her best friends. I figure they were trying to keep it a secret for not "hurting" anybody.

Of course she's embarassed of it, not only is this guy the prototype of a jerk, he was also involved with one of her best friends. I figure they were trying to keep it a secret for not "hurting" anybody.

So she's a two timer not only on you but on someone else. Instead of being depressed about this try to think of how lucky you are to find out now.

Yes. I a way I'm relieved to have discovered her true face. I'm feeling a better person than her. In another way I'm sorry that this is the truth, that good things have to come to an end, especially in a way like this.

I'm feeling a better person than her.

Your not FEELING you're a better person than her. You ARE a better person than her.

Before one lover meets another, they do not know one another, if they are known to each other they are aquentances. When the love is gone, aquentances they will become once more.

Move on from this gal. Move on. She is just trouble.

Can I ask how old she is?

She's turning 20 in 2 weeks, I have just gotten to the blessed age of 23. She didn't send anything on my birthday, which was pretty painful

I think I am getting on the right track. Whenever I think of this situation I just say to myself: "whatever". She can do as she pleases. If this is her way to say goodbye then let it be.
It is a lot easier during a breakup to immediately start with somebody else. In my opinion that is just ignoring (avoiding) the pain everybody naturally feels when people part. I believe in karma, what comes around goes around, and she will have her part of this hurt too. Knowing that gives me enough satisfaction to let it go. I don't care anymore

"She didn't send anything on my birthday, which was pretty painful" - says a lot.

Listen - she's too young to really get any type of commitment out of any way. She's out to break hearts at her age - be careful.

Generally - I know this to be true - many women go through their kind of wild girl tage until like age 25. The ones that don't a loty of times do late in life after a divorce. I am not saying every women, but a lot do.

Hi,
Some of you already know my story. To summarize: my girlfriend of 1.5 yr broke up with me about 2.5 months ago for reasons she could not really explain. After a while it became clear to me (through the grapevine) that she had gotten back together with her former ex (a jerk) and that she was already in contact with him even a few weeks before we broke up. As I said, I know all of this via other people since I haven't contacted her since 3 weeks after we broke up. Moreover, she even denies she is back together with this jerk to her friends etc. It is supposed to be a big "secret". I bumped into her 2 times since we broke up. Both times she completely ignored me (not even a look). The last time was only a few days ago. I think this behaviour towards me is very strange. It seems like she is mad at me for some reason, or she is ashamed. Gradually, I decided to not care anymore because she isn’t worth it anymore.
However, a few days ago I received an email from her. She says she wants to talk to me face to face after her exams. To “clarify” things without the exaggerations I have been hearing. I suspect that she just wants to “break the news” to me in an eufimistic way, nl. That she is back together with that jerk. If that is the case, then I really don’t want to hear it, because I already know. She probably also wants to clear her conscience I guess. So far I haven’t answered yet. I don’t know if I’ll answer and what my answer will be like. On the one hand I don’t ever want to speak to her again in my life. On the other hand I think this could be an opportunity to end this chapter with a little dignity for her as well as for me. Any advice?

Hi JDOP, I have followed your progress since the beginning, so here is my advice...

It is probably best not to assume what her motivations are for wanting to talk to you. She has treated you quite badly and if it were me, I would stay well away. She sounds really mixed up and it is best for you not to get caught up in her drama. You have said yourself that you don't want anything to do with her and you already know what has been going on, so what is talking to her going to achieve?

By moving on and forgetting her, you have already got closure. This could set you back if she says things you would really rather not hear. Its up to you but I would stay away!

My gut says to stay away from her and stay on your own path. Even if she wants you back (which I doubt) you don't want her(I hope not, at least) Let her stew and worry about YOU for a change.

Yes, how about not replying to her mail at all or reply that there is no need for any talks . Definitely do not go running to see her.

I was thinking about waiting a few days (a week maybe) and then sending something like "your email has been sent a few months too late".

A part of me does still want her back, but I have brains enough to not take her back if she wanted to (which I doubt as well). I don't think that I don't want her back as much as I don't want her to be with somebody else.

Don't reply to her at all but if she contacts you about then tell her "I've moved on from you and I'd appreciate it if you would take the adult steps to do the same."

I was thinking about waiting a few days (a week maybe) and then sending something like "your email has been sent a few months too late".

NOOOOO!! That will only let her know that it still bugs you. Even if your answer suggests otherwise you will still be the one contacting her. She dumped you so that's her problem. You don't have to worry about her anymore, so don't give her authority over your feelings and power.


A part of me does still want her back, but I have brains enough to not take her back if she wanted to (which I doubt as well). I don't think that I don't want her back as much as I don't want her to be with somebody else.

A part of you wants her back so that you can end the mystery. We both know that you don't want her back because she's a great catch. You should be happy to have a two timer out of your life. She's somebody else's problem and you have the pleasure of only thinking about yourself.

Perfect answer from chuff! Guess you could even send that now if you wish, id like to see her face then ;-)

<<Don't reply to her at all but if she contacts you about then tell her "I've moved on from you and I'd appreciate it if you would take the adult steps to do the same."
>>

I guess the first thing you should ask yourself is if she tells you that she is back with her ex, does it change the way you feel? Does anything change by her telling you this? If not then don't waste your time. I will be the first to admit that sometimes us women get a little crazy about this he said she said stuff and feel that we need to put our two cents worth in. It sounds to me that this is what she is doing. And she will probably lie and give you her supposed side of the story. I know that sounds stupid but unfortunately that's what we do sometimes. I don't know how old you or your ex girlfriend are but I am willing to guess that your both in your twenties. As you get older stuff like this won't bother you as much as it does now. If I were you I would not meet with her and just move on with your life.

I wouldn't bother contacting her at all.

SHE WANTS to see if she still has you! So then she can WALK all over you!

In one month you will feel so good about this.

I mean, what a complete be-atch for ignoring you TWICE!! Do you really want this imature freak in your life? No.

She has treated you quite badly and if it were me, I would stay well away. She sounds really mixed up and it is best for you not to get caught up in her drama.

Right on



By moving on and forgetting her, you have already got closure. This could set you back if she says things you would really rather not hear.
I have no closure, otherwise I wouldn't be on this site asking for advice. All I know is via somebody else. I would like to hear it from her. The complete truth, although I realize she might bend the truth a little in her advantage.



Let her stew and worry about YOU for a change.


I stewed for a long long time. If she would stew for a fraction of the time I have, that would make me very very satisfied. I hope she gets eaten by guilt now.


NOOOOO!!!! That will only let her know that it still bugs you.


It does still bug me


A part of you wants her back so that you can end the mystery.
That's right, I want to get out of this soap opera.



perfect answer from chuff!! guess you could even send that now if you wish, id like to see her face then ;-)

Maybe I will :)



And she will probably lie and give you her supposed side of the story.

I don't know if she will do that but if she would then I am even further from closure than I was before.



SHE WANTS to see if she still has you! So then she can WALK all over you!


I don't know about that. I think the reason she wants to talk is because she wants to clear her conscience and not because she considered having me back.

Let it go JDOP,

You are opening up the door again for her to hurt you.


I have no closure, otherwise I wouldn't be on this site asking for advice. All I know is via somebody else. I would like to hear it from her. The complete truth, although I realize she might bend the truth a little in her advantage.

What good do you think this will do you?. Yes, Yes, Closure I hear you say... Personally I think you are punishing yourself and you deserve better.


I stewed for a long long time. If she would stew for a fraction of the time I have, that would make me very very satisfied. I hope she gets eaten by guilt now.

You still have so much anger about the whole thing and you have a right to be angry for what she did but two wrongs don't make a right. This is why you must try and let go and move on. Who cares what she has to regret or go through, she made her bed and now must lie in it! This has nothing to do with you moving on and to be quite frank is worthless at this point. I mean all this in a nice way, I just hate to see you come back here and write about what all this is doing to you. By all means vent and write here as much as you like. All I am saying is I would love to see you making more progress and not letting her pull you back. You are strong JDOP!


It does still bug me

Right and once she sees this, she will be the one who is satisfied... Satisfied that she (thinks she) still has you.

Don't let that happen!

No Chuff... this gal is going to play with him big time.

NOT saying anything says MORE than he could ever say!!

It's says - I don't need you, not on your terms, you're not the only gal in my life, I am busy, YOU wanted this - not me, I AM NOT NEEDY!! I am not about to go running back to you and what we ahd.

I agree with Wildcat + I would not be surprised if she gets some kind of ego boost by knowing she has you!

I would stay far away! Why would you care how she feels or what she thinks after what she did to you..

The best revenge you can get (if that is what you really, really want) is to move on and live a happy life without her!

No Chuff....this gal is going to play with him big time.

NOT saying anything says MORE than he could ever say!!!!

It's says - I don't need you, not on your terms, you're not the only gal in my life, I am busy, YOU wanted this - not me, I AM NOT NEEDY!!!, I am not about to go running back to you and what we ahd.

I agree this girl is a game player and a user. I agree that he shouldn't contact her. But he said or asked what to do if she contacts him. I was just saying what he could tell her to go away, because she sounds like the kind of person that will continue proding him and he seems like he could easily get caught up in this game. Actually he is caught up in this game so I guess I was trying to give him an out that was direct with her.

No contatc with her. Don't let her contact you.

You don't get closure. There is no such thing. You'll only have more questions.

You don't do anything to make her stew or feel guilt because she won't.

IF you choose to see her you will be back here feeling worse. I know you will.

Big mistake. Listen to everyone and STAY AWAY!!

There is not one benefit I see for meeting her!

Can you give me one?

First of all, don't believe everything you hear "through the grapevine." That said, there's probably no harm in hearing her out and letting her tell you firsthand, rather than having to rely on the "grapevine." It all hinges on how important is it for you to know the truth? What's done is done ; the how's and whys are just details. Not essential, but if you want to know, then go for it. Otherwise, let it hang and forget about it. It's really up to you ; there's no right or wrong answer to your question.

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a little bit, because I don't agree that no contact is the best means of self healing. First I ask, if she's immature for ignoring you, is she not practicing no contact herself? In which case, that makes no contact an immature way of handling the situation. I believe that as civilized adults, you should answer the phone or respond to the email or whatever if you want to, and feel like it would do something productive.

Getting hurt, believe it or not, is productive in my eyes. If you haven't been hurt enough to look at this girl and say to yourself, I want no part of her and need to get her out of my life completely, you wouldn't have any problem just ignoring her emails and attempts at contact. If you're not at that stage, the only way you're going to get there is by getting hurt. You don't feel the need to heal when you don't feel like you've been hurt enough. It's human instict to repair ourselves when it's necessary, and the level at which it's necessary varies from person to person.

I find, particularly in my case, that when the person that dumps you is ignoring you, they're running from the problem. They know they caused a problem, and don't want to own up to the responsibility of dealing with it, so they ignore you and hope you go away. That's not healing, that's hiding. You can't hide forever, I've never heard of somebody that breaks up after a serious relationship, then ignores the person they dumped and never in the rest of their lives come back to have a discussion. That discussion doesn't have to be a get back together discussion, but they need to have it for their own peace of mind. Just like if you practice no contact because some people on the internet said it was a good idea, you're going to be left with no peace of mind. You may not always get closure, but you are going to get peace of mind, one way or the other. In the end, I think you're obligated to handle it the way you want to the first time around, which is almost certainly the wrong way.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like talking to her, but not about the situation with the jerk. I'd rather feel like meeting up, having dinner or something and try to behave like friends. I don't know if that's possible because I still have feelings of resentment and affection towards her. In that case, it would probalby best to not see her. I also have problems about not answering an email with a direct question like that. If I would have sent that email, it would find it rude not to receive an answer. But then again, I don't owe her anything.

<<If I would have sent that email, it would find it rude not to receive an answer. But then again, I don't owe her anything.>>

But would you have cheated on her with an ex jerk without any explanation or apology and ignored her twice and just decide to tell her 2 months later because you feel guilty.?

No I didn't think so, so you are right you don't owe her anythign , not even a reply to her mail. Wait and see does she write again next week, she most probably will as she won't believe her lovely guy is not still pining for her and will probably think that you did not receive it. But definitely do not go and see her now!!

Spot on Rol.. Sorry, had to spread the rep.

Listen to roil JDOP, you owe her nothing..

You are a good guy, so good that you feel a sense of guilt for contemplating not replying to her e-mail even after she treated you the way she did. You just can't understand or even come to terms wityh how someone you cared for so much could do what they did... I am on your level JDOP, I understand what is going on in your mind (for the most part).

Like I said before, meeting her will do nothing but cause you more pain. If you don't believe me, then listen to Skell. People here are giving you advice that is best for you. If for one second I thought meeting her would help you, I would be advising you to do that, but I don't believe that it will help... Not for a second.

And... I think she wants to know if she still has you!

You owe this gal nothing. Nothing.

Being rude is not acknowlwdging you in public. Did you already forget that??

Hello??

Move on. This gal is looking for a massive ego boost.

Hiya,

Being a bit further forward now with my progress. I would say don't contact her. Yes, I thought all the same things you are thinking, I still do. I feel a bit stronger now though, and I really don't think it is a good idea to contact her, people like this are selfish, they really don't have a clue believe me. Don't let her think she has the power over you, by contacting her. I would just delete emails from her, delete everything you have contact wise if it helps. This will help you, otherwise, everything will move on but you will still be stuck a few steps behind. Believe me you will feel better for it. I know I used to kick myself when I sent a text or called for no reason. Especially if you get no reaction, or a horrible reaction, both of these were ghastly. You just feel so low. You have come far, stay strong : )

That's it exactly WAP!!

It hurts to not respond while it would be unwise to respond. This is a lose-lose situation. If I don't respond then I don't have to expect anything else from her. The last 2 months I have essentially been waiting for her to contact me (like all the other dumpees on this forum). Now that she does, it seems unlogic to not do anything with that. It feels like I am missing an opportunity. On the other hand, seeing her will probably set me way back. I was thinking about sending a polite honest mail that says I don't want her to "clarify" things, but if she wants to talk to me in the future, she's free to contact me.

This is a lose-lose situation.

No it isn't! You are in a win/win situation if you don't contact her. You will be able to move on and find someone who deserves you. You only think it is a lose/lose situation because you have held out the false hope for 2 months like many others do.


If I don't respond then I don't have to expect anything else from her.

Exactly.. All the more reason to not contact her. You owe her nothing! Nothing!!


The last 2 months I have essentialy been waiting for her to contact me (like all the other dumpees on this forum). Now that she does, it seems unlogic to not do anything with that. It feels like I am missing an opportunity.

An opportunity to get hurt again perhaps, an opportunity to take a few steps back perhaps, an opportunity to let her know she still has you perhaps.

Perhaps even an opportunity to stroke that ego of hers one more time.


On the other hand, seeing her will probably set me way back.

Yes it would.


I was thinking about sending a polite honest mail that says I don't want her to "clarify" things, but if she wants to talk to me in the future, she's free to contact me.

Again, by doing this, you would be letting her know that she has control of the situation and control of you!

You are just too good for your own good mate!! That is not necessarily a bad thing and perhaps I am being a bit of a hypocrite since I have had my times like this too but you must pull away and avoid getting hurt or letting her control you and this situation.

You deserve far better than this.

People Want What They Can't Have!

Always.

If you ever want her back act indifferent

And why would you want to act to get someone back? It shouldn't be an act!

Geoff post was brilliant. Listen to him. He knows.

It will set you back and you are holding onto false hope still. That's what we do. I did it, geoff did it, everyone we see come here does it. You are no different. We just have to beat it out of you like we have the others. You will see soon enough and pretty soon you'll be beating it out of newbies that come here with the same false hope you have!

I thought about this for a very very long time, and I talked about it with many people and I still am mixed up about the whole thing. I haven't replied so far. I know I am holding on to false hope. I still have feelings for her I guess. By false hope I mean the tiny possibility that all the things I heard are are in fact all gossip.
The thing that strikes me though, is that all the things wildcat etc. predicted here become reality. For example no contact as a mean to make her miss(?) (contact) you. Is the human psyche really that predictable?

Right now you are in control jdop, doesn't that feel good?

<<Is the human psyche really that predictable?>>

Human psyche , maybe...
But girls definitely! ;-)
So don't reply! Wait for her to contact again.

Right now you are in control jdop, doesnt that feel good??

<<Is the human psyche really that predictable?>>

human psyche , maybe ...
but girls definitely!! ;-)
so dont reply! wait for her to contact again.

Take it from Rol, she knows how the female brain works because she is one. She is also a very wise lady from some of the advice she gave me in the past...

human psyche , maybe ...
but girls definitely!! ;-)

You're not really flattering yourself are you :)

It doesn't feel like I'm in charge though, and it certainly doesn't feel good.

Ha ha I'm not really , am I;-)
Well I wouldn't call myself a typical girl now , but I do know how I was and girls are in the 20s!!

Hi. Some people know my story. It is a story about a heartbreaking break-up, combined with lying, deceit, false hope etc. If you are interested you can read my previous posts. It has been 3 months since the break-up. The first weeks (month) I was a complete wreck, suffering from anxiety attacks, weight loss etc. The months following I slowly recovered and I can say that my life is "back on track". I took up old hobbies (guitar), I gave up drinking, I go out to new exciting places with new people, I work out... Even more, since she is gone, I can say that my life has become more interesting and more busy.
However, I still think about her all the time. I miss her more than words can describe. I miss her when I wake up, and when I go to sleep. I dream about her, about us. I dream haviong sex with her, I dream about talking to her like we used to, I dream about fighting with her. " weeks ago I received an email from her, saying that she wanted to clarify things (about her involvement with a former ex). I try to pretend I am a really tough guy so I didn't respond. I pretend like I don't care. I pretend like the past 2 years didn't happen. I pretend like I go on with my life, that I'm better of without her.
The truth is, that I'm not a tough guy at all. I am realistic enough to understand that things will never be like they used to between us because I would blame her for what she did to me. But if she was on my doorstep tomorrow, asking to make things right, there wouldn't be any doubt in my mind.
I am 3 months down the line now. And I thought the pain would have faded a lot by now. That I would have lost interest in it. I haven't at all. Is this normal? What can I do to make it go away. What can I do to make me want it to go away?

Some times it takes a year.

This is like when someone dies - it's grieving process. 2 years is a long time to be together.

Do you date other women - that's key.

Or do you plan to contact her?

One question though - did she lie or cheat?? It sound like both. Yu can never get back together with either of those.

I have found that part of the reason the pain stays is because we often welcome it. We allow thoughts to remain in our mind, keeping them fresh. We can say we don't want to think about these things, but we do even if it hurts because it allows us a glimpse of what used to be. The brain in conjunction with the heart can be a powerful thing. We have to decide. We have to choose to move on and really mean it. If we're just going through the motions (i.e. no contact) but our heart is still in it, then it's going to drag. When and if we decide that we will get past this and learn to accept it, not forget it, then we will take no prisoners and do what is necessary to take us to that next step.

It's normal for us to think about that person from time to time, but not at every waking moment. That only tells us that we're not engaging our mind in other useful things, like life.

Mom - great answer once again. So ture.

Dude I had to respond to this because I feel like I could relate to you at one point. You think about them all the time and even though you guys are broke up and its been awhile, time is standing still for you like you are still with that person and those dreams haunt you and you wake up with the saddness that they are gone and they aren't coming back. I went through the same stuff and I know how torturous it can be. It was a viscious cycle that I thought would never end until it does. And you can honestly try as hard as you want to think about other things but your mind is going to keep wondering back to her until your body says it is time to let go. Here's how my process worked, and it would probably work for you: You are doing things now to make yourself a better person, and people are going to start wanting to be around you because you are a cool person. And at first your going to think, man I wish she could see me now, and see all these changes I've made and how all these people think I'm great. And that will set you back a bit because you want to show her that you are good enough for her. Hopefully you can wait this out though and realize you know what, I'm just great without her and these new people I'm hangin with are pretty cool. If she decides to check on me down the road then good for her, and if she doesn't its her loss. Sooner or later another girl is going to catch your attention and viola that ex is a distant memory and you'll laugh at how upset you got over this whole thing! Hope this helps!

Oh and one more important thing, that nobody ever, and I mean ever talks about on here. And some of the women might not appreciate this because I don't think that this applies to them so much. But the one thing that you can't do when your suffering like you are is masturbate. For one, it probably makes you think about the ex and 2. If your getting loving at home, your not going to have any desire to go out and meet any women. Pen it up for a few days and your body will start thinking, man, I need some loving, and going out and meeting new women will become a natural physical priority. Once again the ex goes viola. If you don't believe me, try it!

There are loads of people that can sympathise with you here. I am 7 months down the line. 3 months down the line is still early days, you are doing well. There is not really anything you can do to speed up the process of getting over someone. Yes, you can keep busy etc, but you will have dreams, thoughts, bad days and good days. It is like phase of different things that have happened to me grief, panic, dreams, regret... you name it, I have felt it. I feel particularly bad at the moment, these past few days. I have never loved anyone apart from this guy as much as I have, I miss him so much it hurts me inside. We just have to try and stay strong, I ask myself the same things as you, how long am I going to feel like this? What does the future hold? It is best to take one day at a time, but plan treats for yourself, have fun.

JDOP, There is nothing wrong with you.. Trust Me!! You are handing this situation very well indeed. You are doing all the right things, keeping busy, e.t.c. In fact, there is nothing I can see from what you write that you are doing wrong. I am 5 months down the line and I still have my days like wap no matter what I do. Wildcat is right, it can sometimes take a year.. My sister took a whole year to get over one of her ex's and she did everything right. I think it sometimes depends on what kind of person you are and it does not mean there is anything wrong with you, it may just be driven by what type of person you are and how you deal with grief. You should not be concerned by time, and feel that there is a target of how long it should take before you are over it. I never looked at all this when I began my journey of moving on by saying "right, in 6 months I will be over this" because it does not work that way. I expect you have not said this to yourself too...

You cannot switch your heart and mind off, you were obviously in love with the woman, and again Wildcat speaks wise words.. It is like someone has died, it is just like that because you still go through a process of letting go of a person. What can sometimes make it worse is that the person you are letting go of is still out there, and this gives you false hope and drags the process on and on.. I can tell you hand on heart, I know exactly what you are going through, exactly and it is torture, it makes me feel like I never want to love anyone ever again because I am scared of this pain. You can't shut yourself away from people though and in time, no matter how long it takes, 6 months, 12 months or whatever, you will let go, you will move on and you will find love again or it will find you.

Forget time, and just let the process flow through you..

Right now, as much as it makes sense to let go, you can't. Right now you're still thinking of no contact is something you don't want to do, because in your heart, you still feel you can make things right, and all that she's doing is hurting you right now. Your mind knows it won't ever be the same, but you can't convince your heart of that. You need to stop focusing on how she's hurting you, and focus on how you're hurting her. Time and silence are your weapons, and they work pretty well. They're not there to bring her back, they're there to make you feel better for the time being. Once you lock yourself in the mindset that you're still capable of hurting her, you'll feel a lot better. Eventually you'll make the natural transition from attacking to defending, and that's when it stops consuming you.

Personally, I surrounded myself with women that need a lot of help with their current situations. Ones with bad breakups to get over or can't figure out how to get men. Then you get to dispense all the wisdom you learned from this, and if you're lucky you'll get some action. Or a neat gift on your birthday.

One thing I had trouble with for at least a couple of months was blaming myself. I punished myself by saying it must have been something about me, maybe I was not good enough, it was all me and not her, how could it be? She was perfect in my blurred eyes. I only realised after time that sometimes, people make choices for themselves and her choice was mainly about her and her desire to experience a single life or a desire to meet and date other people. That does not mean she is to blame either but it does mean that I was falsely blaming myself for something that was mainly out of my control. Where I am going with this is that quite often the dumpee blames themselves and sometimes it is not their fault that the relationship failed.

The only time you should really blame yourself is if you hurt the other person by cheating or you were abusive in any way. That is when you are to blame..

That you came here to vent and not broken The no contact or done something dumb is a testament to your progress. You are on the right path.

Do you date other women - that's key.
Or do you plan to contact her?

I don't date other women, not that I don't want to, but I'm not up to "hitting" on other women yet.
I have been thinking about responding to her email. As it feels like I am rejecting a hand held out. I was thinking about replying that I hope she's happy and then she doesn't need to clarify things. However, an answer like that suggests that I don't blame her for what she did, and I do.

[QUOTE=Wildcat21]
One question though - did she lie or cheat????? It sound like both. Yu can never get back together with either of those
She didn't cheat on me technically -as far as I know. She had contact with this guy behind my back; she denied it when I asked if she had feelings for someone else.



One thing I had trouble with for at least a couple of months was blaming myself

I don't blame myself at all. Myself esteem might be a little dented because she chose another guy over me. But deep inside I know I'm a better man. I look better, I'm smarter, I'm more fun etc... Basically, I blame her.



And at first your going to think, man I wish she could see me now, and see all these changes I've made and how all these people think I'm great.

That's exactly how I feel. I know I'm a better man now. Maybe too good for her. I guess I want her to see me, not only for the satisfaction (this is what you could have) but I guess there's also a little bit of hope involved. (this is what you can have).



hurts because it allows us a glimpse of what used

Taht's true. Sometimes I thinking about it on purpose. I don't know why. It doesn't make me feel good but like you said, it like to remember the good times and sometimes it feels like those times never ended.



3 months down the line is still early days

It doesn't feel like that. And some people seem to find it strange that I am still not over it.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I really get a lot of help from it

That you came here to vent and not broken The no contact or done something dumb is a testament to your progress. You are on the right path.

I couldn't agree more with Tal. Come and vent everyday if you have too.

I've found this helps me at times, when your emotional one of the problems is you have many thoughts that conflict with one another. Write everything out on paper. It helps as a vehicle to get some of it out and also categorize some of those emotions. Sometimes when you get emotional you start throwing in things that aren't even related to the current situation. Putting it all down on paper in front of you can really help elevate some of those emotional feelings.

Grief is a funny thing. I mean peculiar, not ha ha funny. Its really very universal, I think. If you were to substitute my work for your ex in your first post, it will read EXACTLY the same for me. I left a career dozens of years in the making last November. It was my dream job and the roughest decision I have had to make in quite some time. Had it not been a matter of ethics, I would still be there. It could not be more complicated, misunderstood by others or controversial than if I quit being a nun and its compounded by how I am known all over the county, like it or not. So I am often pressed to explain this when I don't even want to talk about it. The first two months I hid in my house. Emotionally I am about where you are. I look better now but don't scratch the surface. Life alterating, deeply felt experiences take time to process. I won't be myself again for a year or better. You are absolutely right that it's a "two steps forward, one step back" process. Grief makes us fragile so go easy on yourself. Be vigilant for remenants of bitterness and eject those asap. And learn something valuable out of it, about you, about women, to help offset the pain. For someone who has sustained a great loss, you are fine and will be even finer too. So will I.

Hi. I made some previous posts before about my girlfriend leaving me for her ex. Very heartbreaking... if you are interested: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=1086228

I was at a party yesterday, and she was there too, with her current boyfriend. I didn't notice her until she tapped me on the shoulder and started talking to me. This is the first time we talked since new years eve, back then it was also 2 months of NC. I deleted her from my msn, if I go somewhere she might also be, I try to avoid her as much as possible.

So yesterday she starts talking to me (actually in the beginnning it was more screaming). She asked why I didn't reply at her email (in which she wanted to "clarify" things) and why I was avoiding her. She told me she had difficulties with the break up as well because I was a major part of her life and she still wanted to know how I was doing and what was going on with my life. She said she'd rather want me to tell her that I hate her, that that I ignored her. She said she wanted a chance to explain things. I confronted her about her lying etc. She just said that she was always honest to me and that the relationship she is in right now is completely independent from our break-up (which is a lie as well). During the whole conversation I "kept my cool", meaning that I acted somewhat indifferent and annoyed. Of course this was only an act and I bet she saw right through me. I just told her that I didn't really wanted her to "clarify" things. That in the beginning I was very much in pain by hat I had my share of the hurt and that right now I just wanted to forget about the whole thing. I said I wasn't angry or mad, that I didn't hate her, but that I didn't want to think about it anymore. I also told her that I loved her like a madman, and that these events got me feeling stabbed in the back.

To me it seemed like she was actually hurting too a little bit. Naturally, this conversation got the spinning wheel in my head turning again. I don't know what to think anymore. I was OK yesterday but now I'm feeling depressed all over again. When I looked in her eyes, it was like looking at the woman of my life, althoug I know that it can't be true.

There's no point in talking to one another if you can't be honest...

Give her examples of 'lying' - if you can't do that, then she wasn't lying! Admit what you really feel - you can't talk to her anymore because you love her too much to be friends. If she can tell you what you need to hear, then great. If not, she needs to go her own way and put you out of her mind.

Frankly I think it was her ego that was hurting. You've been doing a good job of staying away from her and not contacting her. She no longer has a grip on you and that drives her nuts. That shows her true colors. Continue to stay away from her. If she should happen to confront you again just tactfully but firmly remind her that it's over between you and you'd appreciate it if she didn't contact you any more. It'll probably drive her mad but that's her problem, not yours.

Give her examples of 'lying' - if you can't do that, then she wasn't lying!


I gave her an example but she just kept on denying it. Although when I saw her expression I knew that she felt guilty. I can understand the persistent denial though -you can't just lie to someone's face without blinking your eye, and then take it back 2 min later :)

Stay on your path and leave her alone, as neither of you has healed to the point of being healthy, but you are way ahead of her. Keep it like that.

Stay on your path and leave her alone, as neither of you has healed to the point of being healthy, but you are way ahead of her. Keep it like that.

Hey tal, I have a question. Am I right in thinking that the only thing she has to heal from is her guilt of what she did to JDOP? As she cannot be healing from the pain of the breakup since she chose to do this and see someone else. I may be wrong there but unsure really. I mean, the main thing a dumper has to heal from in my opinion is guilt about how they hurt the other person.

By the way JDOP, I completely agree with tal, leave her alone which you have been doing and avoid any conversation. You are not responsible for helping her overcome her guilt.

Being honest Geoff, I think assuming what another is thinking about is really pushing it. The main thing is to be selfish and look after number one. We have a few here who are so not focused on their own healing because of what they think the ex is thinking. Seeing reality is important right now, so the speculation of what another is feeling can only lead to false hope and retard the healing process the way I see it.

Am I right in thinking that the only thing she has to heal from is her guilt of what she did to JDOP? As she cannot be healing from the pain of the breakup since she chose to do this and see someone else.

I think a big part of it is guilt. On the other had she also told me that she had thought about me a lot. That the NC wasn't easy for her as well because I was a big part of her life. She said she still was interested in me and what was going on in my life. I can imagine that that is true as she seemed very upset about the fact that I was "ignoring" her.

Being honest Geoff, I think assuming what another is thinking about is really pushing it. The main thing is to be selfish and look after number one. We have a few here who are so not focused on their own healing because of what they think the ex is thinking. Seeing reality is important right now, so the speculation of what another is feeling can only lead to false hope and retard the healing process the way I see it.

Good point tal.. I too have been guilty of making assumptions in the past about how my ex was feeling/thinking. Sorry JDOP, don't mean to stir up that way of thinking and I do believe that tal speaks wise words with the advice of looking after number 1. For you though, I expect it is just a momentary loss of focus due to this incident at the party.