Hello Everyone!

It has been a very long time since I have posted on this site!

You can check back on this particular relationship from previous posts. Anyway, I have been in this relationship with a guy that I love for 15 months and counting!! (yayayaya) He is older (14 years but acts as if he is in his late 20s). He is also very fit and has a body builder type physique.

Anyway, I feel like sometimes he is so mean to me and treats me badly. I don't really have any friends in my current city. If I do want to go out with an acquaintance, he tries to convince me not to go out and how I much of a slut and whore I would be if I went to a bar or even upscale lounge. He believes that women in relationships shouldn't go to those places period! I don't have any male friends in the area and if I mention one from college or my city he doesn't believe they were ever my friend. My ex used to be my friend by my current boyfriend decided to text him and introduce himself (without my knowledge) and basically scared the poor boy away.

There was one point when I had to announce who I was talking to on the phone because he felt it was a courtesy to him. I got a beautiful necklace from a family friend as a graduation gift and he asked me who gave it to me, he didn't believe me. He thought some guy gave it to me because he had never heard me mention the family friends name before. Also because I was snickering when I said the persons name?? He asked me to call my MOTHER to prove to him that the family friend gave me the necklace or he would (of course she confirmed what I said).

The necklace is a small (tasteful) diamond pendent and when I started wearing it he talked about how small it was and how he would upgrade it and that I needed a bigger size. Those were all very hurtful comments to me.

He also likes to talk about how lazy I am because I don't work out anymore and how out of shape I am. He loves to discuss that I would be perfect if I lost 20lbs but would leave me if I gained 15 more lbs.

Today he wasn't feeling well and I went out and surprised him by buying The Hangover. Unfortunately, the store ran out of the blu-ray uncut version. I brought the regular DVD version ( mind you, this was suppose to be a total surprise) and he pretended to like it. He researched the copy that HE wanted and told me this is what the over should look like. He tried to act all happy and say, "Ohhh wow! Thanks babe!" It was in such a forced tone. I told him I would take back my copy. He basically agree that was a good idea since it wasn't the uncut version. UGH! That just left a bad taste in my mouth. I tried to do something thoughtful and felt very unappreciated. Am I just being too sensitive?

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble.I know I talk about a lot of negative things, but he really is a nice person (when he wants to be) and he LOVESSSSS me dearly (he does spoil me and cares about me). I am just concerned about some of his actions.

Thoughts!?

Why are you wasting your time with this unappreciative, controlling guy? You will never be good enough for him, by his estimation.

Because he is very sweet and caring when he wants to be. He has dropped everything and rushed me to my sick grandmothers aid 3 hours away many times. I didn't have to pay for a thing. He took me on a few trips and I was treated very well. He has supported me through some tough family illnesses and has been very compassionate. I love him.

Also, he swears up and down at how gorgeous he things I am ( I like that!) It makes me feel good... :/ Is that sad?

Because he is very sweet and caring when he wants to be.
So maybe 50% of the time, he's nice.

How often do you cry over him?


There's not one thing in your first post that describes him as anyone I would want to know. He doesn't even act his age. (How old are YOU?)

You need him to tell you how gorgeous you are so you feel good about yourself? He probably uses that line a lot to get back on your good side after you two argue and you have a crying jag.


When he socializes, it's only with you. He doesn't hang out with other guys and certainly not other women. Right?

NO... he has friends and he goes out with his guy friends (usually invites me along) or has them over (when I am there). He does not use that line to get me back if we argue. The only thing I dislike when we go out is if my shirt rides up in the back (in a harmless manner) when we are walking somewhere he always tries to fix it. Or he constantly wants me to keep my hair brushed so it won't look wild or out of place. Other than that, he isn't ashamed of me or me being around his friends and family.

NO...he has friends and he goes out with his guy friends (usually invites me along) or has them over (when I am there). He does not use that line to get me back if we argue. The only thing I dislike when we go out is if my shirt rides up in the back (in a harmless manner) when we are walking somewhere he always tries to fix it. Or he constantly wants me to keep my hair brushed so it wont look wild or out of place. Other than that, he isnt ashamed of me or me being around his friends and family.
Why is he so worried about how YOU look? Does he worry about his own appearance too and ask you for your input? Do you fuss over him in the same way and even criticize his appearance as he does yours?

In other words, you are a reflection of him. How you look determines how his friends or other people think of him--or at least he thinks they determine his worth by how you look.

True.. and yes, he does care how he looks. He asks me and I will voice my opinion and say that doesn't look right or whatever issue needs to be address. Usually he takes my advice and will keep it moving.

By the way, I am 23 going on 24 in a month.

Nearly everything you have said so far indicates it's all about him and how it wants things to be and how he wants you to look and dress and who he wants you to hang out with.

Heaven help us if your pretty face gets puffy and swollen from crying! Do you have an appearance problem too?

Also, I don't cry often. He thinks its weird seeing how I am suppose to be an emotional creature. Lately, I have been crying more than usual ( like 3 times this week) highly usually since I allow myself a good cry maybe once a month and NEVER in front of anyone. People look ugly when they cry.

Damn this net book. I am typing in the dark and the key board is so weird on these things. Sorry for the typos.

Damn this net book. I am typing in the dark and the key board is so weird on these things. Sorry for the typos.
Appearance is everything. Right?

Ha! Well no, but he cares more about my face then my body. Strange... the body can go, but once the face goes it's over. You can always get the body into shape and tone. You (proverbial You) only have one face.

Ha! Well no, but he cares more about my face then my body. Strange...the body can go, but once the face goes it's over. You can always get the body into shape and tone. You (proverbial You) only have one face.
So you have a future of botox injections and cosmetic surgeries and breast lifts and liposuction. Eventually you will look as fake as Joan Rivers.

?? No!. I am not into that stuff at all. I like natural looking women (a nose job is fine especially if you have a big one). Botox is straight poison ( the jury is still out on it). I am good. Why all the cruelty? I am just trying to explain as much of the relationship as possible so I can understand what the heck is going on.

???? No!!!...I am not into that stuff at all. I like natural looking women (a nose job is fine especially if you have a big one). Botox is straight poison ( the jury is still out on it). I am good. Why all the cruelty? I am just trying to explain as much of the relationship as possible so I can understand what the heck is going on.
You're young NOW. What about when you are a grandmother? Will he still love you then?

Like I said earlier, so far you aren't giving me any reason to like this guy. It's all about him and appearances. You are a mere reflection of him.

Harshness warning. This guy's a shallow controlfreak. He's nice and caring when he wants to be? How big of him-NOT.
You really should walk away from this-before your selfesteem gets really worn down.

I keep my face together as much as possible. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and only skin deep ( blah, blah, blah). I understand that. I am not a reflection of him. I am being myself. I just think something about smooth, clear, flawless skin is elegant and beautiful. (no, mine is not perfect) I am just trying to work on it. I want to continue to NOT look my age. I like people thinking I am much younger. IS there something wrong with trying to keep myself together?

once the face goes it's over
What's over? I'm 64 years old, have been married 42.5 years, and have two children. Marriage and a long-term relationship is about more than looks.

Your face will begin to sag and change by the time you hit 30.

NEVER. Not sure what your genes are, but I don't have that in my DNA. Do you moisturize your face? That should NOT be happening at 30. Maybe the fact that I don't have a job makes a difference? I have no kids. Stress is ultra low?

It's to a.m. here in Chicagoland and time for some beauty sleep. I didn't intend to be cruel, but wanted you to look at your situation realistically. Others will chime in as they wake up and turn on their computers. I look forward to reading other responses in the morning.

Oh and your stock in the dating/relationship game is over once the face goes. The chances of finding a guy are dramatically decreased.

Ok. Well thank you for your input. I do look forward to seeing some fresh opinions (if any).

NEVER. Not sure what your genes are, but I dont have that in my DNA. Do you moisturize your face? That should NOT be happening at 30. Maybe the fact that I dont have a job makes a difference? I have no kids. Stress is ultra low?
I inherited excellent genes from my mom who at 85 looks like she's 60. I'm told I look half my age. If you have a job and children and take care of a home and pets and endure the usual amount of stress, your face and body will gradually change. But then there's a beauty that is in every age. One doesn't have to be in her mid-20s to be beautiful. Also, beauty is more than skin deep.

Good night.


Oh and your stock in the dating/relationship game is over once the face goes. The chances of finding a guy are dramatically decreased.
Oh, my dear! That is not true at all! What have you been reading and who have you been listening to??

There's plenty of dudes out there who will buy you all the stuff you want. And who "look good" . Go dig somewhere else.

I never said I am looking for someone to "buy me stuff'"... that was an unnecessary comment. Gosh, I guess people never read anymore.

There is no doubt about it he is a controlling guy. How he rips apart the nice necklace you got for graduation just shows he thinks he has to buy you bigger and better things to show he loves you and that's sad cause that ain't love.

They way he talks to you about going out makes him sound like a knuckle dragging Neanderthal. I'm married my wife can go out to any lounge or bar she wants without me. I trust her and I know for a fact she would never do anything. And if I would say to my wife you are a slut or a whore because she wants to go to a bar with friends she would laugh at me and give me the finger on her way out the door! You should stand up for yourself when you want to go out and have some fun. Meet some new people this guy is your entire life it is not healthy at all.

Thanks Spitvenom. I am confused because I am in the process of job hunting and I say to him sometimes that I am eager to meet knew people and make some friends. He seems encouraging and supportive. He will even chime in and say, "Don't worry, once you get a job you will meet new people." So it doesn't appear as though he is against my growth. I just have a feeling that if I were to come home and suddenly say I meet some new people and we want to go out for dinner (without him) there would be a SERIOUS problem. Furthermore, he prefers that if I meet up acquaintances it should be a coffee shop, an afternoon lunch, or the mall. Something that doesn't require doing much at night. He doesn't trust random men around m. Yet, he claims he trusts me... (rolls eyes)

It is funny how in peoples minds going out at night is a date but going out during the day is just friends. I don't know how he would react. I would assume if you did go out to eat with a new friend he would say something like oh that restaurant is horrible or why are you going there etc... Kind of like he does with the necklace.

Yes, you are probably right. :( Why all the control then! He is a VERY handsome guy

I don't know why he would be so controlling. Maybe it is a power trip to have control over someone else. Maybe he is insecure about him being 14 years older then you and is afraid some younger guy is going to come in and sweep you off you feet. It could be anything really.

Yes, you are probably right. :( Why all the control then!? He is a VERY handsome guy

Because he is insecure with himself.

Yes, you are probably right. :( Why all the control then!? He is a VERY handsome guy
"Handsome" doesn't mean anything. Don't you know anyone who isn't pretty or handsome but is someone you enjoy being with because he or she makes you feel special 100% of the time?

From how you describe him, any woman who knows him and has any amount of maturity wouldn't walk across the street to say hello to him. He is not handsome inside and devalues everything around him just so he looks good (but doesn't).

On the contrary, women FLOCK to my boyfriend. We/he gets a lot of attention when we go out. In fact, we got many things for free because he is so charming and sweet to people. Most of the female (and sometimes male) servers/cashiers LOVE him. I step back and enjoy the freebies. He is respectful in front of me... doesn't flirt or anything. Harmless.

I definitely have some less "attractive" friends. I look for the person inside not what they look like on the outside. I am not sure why he is so insecure. I think he is better looking then me (sometimes he says I am better looking then him). Who knows. Apparently I try to make him jealous?

I definitely have some less "attractive" friends. I look for the person inside not what they look like on the outside. I am not sure why he is so insecure. I think he is better looking then me (sometimes he says I am better looking then him). Who knows. Apparently I try to make him jealous?

Who knows? Well who cares?
What wondergirl is trying to tell you is that he is not so attractive on the inside. The outside of a person is just the cover of a book. And sometimes it's just a front. On the outside he may look like a very confident man, but on the inside is a whole other story. He's not so confident in himself, and shows acts of desperation. Understand?
He's very insecure with himself. That's why he is so controlling. Not a very attractive quality at all.

I wasn't trying to be rude, just seems like those are the only good poitns he has.

This is all interesting guys... people love this guy ( yes he is a braggart at times ( typical jock type of guy). However, I treat him like a KING. I clean his house, cook, do the grocery shopping, take care of the dog, load the dish washer, do the laundry. I pitch in where I can because I am basically living with him rent free ( yes, I have my own place) but we like spending time together ( a lot of time). Anyway, everyone thinks he is the sweets most caring person. He claims the reason he is mean to me sometimes is because I disrespect him and talk back... hmmmm

You treat him like a king,do all the housework and he's mean to you because you disrespect him and talk back?
He's beyond controlling,he's emotionally abusive.
Whatever his issues are,and the reasons for his behaviour are,you shouldn't put up with any of this.
Never mind that he is, according to a previous post of yours, a sweet talker and sexy.
Personally I would walk,no run.

So what is it that you do that he finds so disrespectful that he has to be mean to you? Personally if I were you I wouldn't do a damn thing for him. You have your own place which is your responsibility he has his own place which is his responsibility stop doing anything for him. If he doesn't like it simply stand up and go home.

I have! MANY TIMES! We have broken up at least 6 times. However, what usually happens is by the time I get home we make up and I drive back to his place. Sometimes I just say I will see him in the morning. Our break ups have never lasted more than a day. I do things for him because I enjoy it, but only when it's appreciated.

Sounds like when he gives you everything you want and does everything you want he's a great guy but when it doesn't go your way he's a jerk?

No,brokenhearted. Not the situation at all. He isn't a jerk. I certainly DO NOT need everything to go my way. I just want to be appreciated. Look, I am not perfect. I am sure that there are definitely things I need to do (in fact, I know there are things I need to do). I just think he thinks that how he treats me sometimes isn't mean.

I love this guy DEARLY and want to marry him and spend my life with him. I just want to know what I am getting into. I have no intentions on leaving him. I just want to know that sometimes I am right about something.

Anyway, everyone thinks he is the sweets most caring person.
Of course, they don't go home with him at night and have to put up with "that other part" of him.

Our break ups have never lasted more than a day.
What does he have to say or do to get you back?

I do things for him because I enjoy it, but only when it's appreciated.
So next time he tells you to dress differently or act differently, tell him no and that you want to dress or act the way you choose, not the way he chooses.


Has he ever slapped you or hit you or pushed you around in anger, when you disagreed with him or didn't want to do something his way?

In my opinion, he owns you.

Why are you defending him? If he is so wonderful, why are you here?

God forbid, if something were to happen to your pretty face, he would leave you before the bandages came off.

You should leave him yes, but you probably never will.

You two were made for each other.

Toxic yes, but a matched pair.

You are his playtoy, cook , maid, etc. He feels that since he pays for everything, you should jump when he tells you to.

You should have left him when he asked you to call your mother. Who does he think he is?

No, he doesn't trust you at all.

But, what are you going to do about it?

I don't want to hurt your feelings. You seem like a nice person. A little too obsessed with one's looks, but nice none-the-less.

How do your parents like this arrangement. Or does he have them snowed too?

No! He has never hit me or anything like that!! If anything, I am the one that sometimes nudges him when I am frustrated ( I SHOULDN'T AND HE DOES NOT FIGHT BACK). I am here because I just wanted someone to tell me that I am right about how he can be sometimes. I feel as though he is mean to me and does not recognize it. I AM HERE because maybe I am the one being far too sensitive and out of control. However, I realize with SOME of the answers that we both need some work. Like I said, I love him and I have no intentions on leaving him, period. I want us to communicate. Thank you for all the comments (good and bad). Like I said, I love him with alll my heart and I would walk on hot coals for him.

As far as "what he says to get me back" he realizes that he misses me OR I realize that I miss him dearly. There isn't some special phrase or anything. No desperation, just love.

You need to look within yourself for the answer. All these bitter people are just projecting their own baggage and insecurities about their own failures. You've said he brings you along in everything he does. You said he encourages you to get a job and make new friends. You said he has driven over 3 hours to see your sick grandmother. You said he pays for everything. You said he's never hit you even though you "egg" him on. You said you make him jealous. You said you care about what you look like but he's a jerk because he wants you to llok nice? You said he asked you who got you your necklace and you didn't anser him him just giggled then answered him. Sounds like there are a lot of reasons he might not trust you. Have you ever done anything for him not to trust you? Read his emails? Read his text messgaes? Called any of his friends? Been somewhere and lied where you were? Been caught in a lie, etc... Everyone one here needs to understand there are always 2 sides to an issue... sometimes 3 sides. Ask better questions before they call you"toxic" or whatever. Relationships are hard and take work. Anyone who tells you any thing different is a liar.

You need to look within yourself for the answer. All these bitter people are just projecting their own baggage and insecurities about their own failures. You've said he brings you along in everything he does. You said he encourages you to get a job and make new friends. You said he has driven over 3 hours to see your sick grandmother. You said he pays for everything. You said he's never hit you even though you "egg" him on. You said you make him jealous. You said you care about what you look like but he's a jerk because he wants you to llok nice? You said he asked you who got you your necklace nd you didn't anser him him just giggled then answered him. Sounds like there are a lot of reasons why he might not trust you. Hvae you ever done anything for him not to trust you? Read his emails? Read his text messgaes? Called any of his friends? Been somewhere and lied where you were? Been caught in a lie, etc... Everyone one here needs to understand there are always 2 sides to an issue...sometimes 3 sides. Ask better questions before they call you"toxic" or whatever. Relationships are hard and take work. Anyone who tells you any thing different is a liar.

And just who are "all these bitter people"? Are you referring to all of these people who are responding here, trying to help her?

You need to learn more about this site before you try to give advice like you just have. We know how many sides a story has.

Here you are accusing her of things. Do you think that helps her?

Brokenhearted72, I do need to look inside myself for the answer... you sound A LOT like someone I know... (small world and I have a hunch who).

Wondergirl... my parents like my boyfriend! They support me. As long as I am happy and respected and then they are too. He is nice to him and they are cordial to him. No issues.

I don't know, maybe I am mistaking his actions. Maybe he just cares for me and wants to just protect me as much as possible. Is there anything wrong with that?

Also, I am not sure why everyone thinks I am hung up on looks. I want a handsome guy and there is nothing wrong with that. I have been with so so guys and it isn't my thing anymore. My currently boyfriend is dashing and sexy and I like that. The more I think about it, brokenheated72 does make a good point that maybe he is just trying to encourage me to look my best.

Just be happy... when you're no longer happy its time to say goodbye. Plain and simple. Good luck to you.

I am happy... are YOU in a relationship? You seem to have interesting advice... If so, are YOU happy!

Wondergirl...my parents like my bf!! They support me. As long as I am happy and respected and then they are too. He is nice to him and they are cordial to him. No issues.
Where did that come from? I never said a word about your parents.

Sorry, I must have confused you for another poster. Omit that statement. Someone asked me what my parents thought about this.

Ok... AmExp, you seem to disregard any advice you've gotten. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe coming here made you realize some of your own flaws. Disregarding some of the advice shows how dedicated you are to this man. That is very nice. All relationships have problems. Your man just seems to be a bit insecure. I wouldn't give advice to leave him for this. Instead have a nice chat with him about this when you are both calm and laying by each other. Tell him how much you love him and how great he is. Then let him know that you don't enjoy how sometimes he gets jealous and that it hurts you in a way. Let him know how these things affect you without nudging him. Remember, feelings will always come, but it's how we deal with them that matters. You will always have to live with your decisions, so always think before you act. Sometimes just going home and not saying anything until you cool off is better than saying "break up". Saying those words builds doubt in his head and words can do lots of damage. These are little things that you can do because I know you care. This site is here for you and we just want what is best for you. Always take care of yourself and remember how important and awesome you are.

For the entire story, refer here.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=5894044
And one thing that stands out are that your working through your own insecurities and have questions, rightfully so. He is an older guy and you defer to him and his opinions, and that's pretty natural given the age differences.

As you become closer though, you will see, and learn, things about him that may not be so attractive, as your over the honeymoon stage already, but are still learning the nuances of each others ways.

The idea is to learn how to honestly communicate with each other to resolve any issues that come up, and establish and define this relationship so it works for you both.

He maybe a bit more experienced, having been married, so its no longer just dating, but working together. How you do it, heavily depends on communications, and not just talking, but listening, and paying attention to each other.

For now he is the more experienced, but your learning fast, so give him feedback as to his actions, when you don't like them, or are confused, just because you need to know, and he should tell you.

The bottom line is learning how to work together. That is an ongoing lifetime thing. If you both last that long.

I agree with everything the last few posts are saying. There's always a fine line between giving your heart to someone but still maintaining who you are. You're doing great it sounds like. Take what others tell you with a grain of salt and look into your heart. I'm sure he loves you dearly.

My man and I talked and I just think it was a communication issue. All is well and we will only get stronger. I know we will. I think control is the wrong work... he cares about me (as I do him). I don't want to split up and I don't think he wants to either. Thank you again for all the comments ( good and bad).