Thread can be found here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/meaning-no-contact-nc-510419.html

Enjoy!

Below are comment to that thread.

I think you've done a great job!

This is a great post I wish and should be a stickie.
Thank you.

It's clear, it's consoling, it's sensitive, it's great. One thought: I know everyone is different, and maybe this is an impossible question to answer, but could you give any indication how long it might take? I'm not asking for a precise figure, and there are so many depths of attachment, neediness, and so on, but how long might we be talking here, particularly in terms of getting over the hump. Is it going to get worse for weeks? Months? A year or more? Knowing what to expect might help avoid the temptation to break the rules, at least in the early days.

I have benefitted greatly from NC in the past. Just a minor addition: it should be made clear that NC is a measure of last resort.

For example: a friend's betrayal; no matter how much it hurts, should not bring upon NC right away. People react when you take them off IM, email, Facebook etc. Although you are doing it to protect yourself, I'm not quite sure it is socially acceptable to do it. It is seen as a harsh move. I'm speaking from personal experience. NC does work, for sure but maybe the sticky could address the socially acceptable aspect of it. If I went NC every time someone infringed on my life in a threatening way then I would be known as someone who cuts people out of their life. I'm not quite sure I'm expressing this issue correctly -- but basically people should know when they're "abusing" NC so to speak.

What do you think? Sorry if I am being unclear at all.

I thought I'd reflect:

To me, the meaning of NC is self-admission that you aren't strong enough to face a challenge and that you have to "let 'em win" so you can have peace. If a guy knows his ex-girlfriend is going to be at a party and he knows he can't handle seeing her, he'd be wise to go somewhere else instead of trying to prove to himself and others that he's okay with the break-up. For fighters with inflated egos like me who don't like to let things die, this takes a lot of discipline to tell yourself "hey, you just can't do it; give up" and actually believe it.

NC is how to drop a bad habit, whether it's pestering your ex-girlfriend to come back to you, losing sleep just thinking about her, smoking a pack a day, gambling your life savings... you name it, NC is the cure. Remove stimulus and the problem is gone.

I think this is right on! I was the dumpee and would overanalyze and overthink everything to do with the breakup. My dumper ex quickly moved on, and is getting married, but I used to wonder if he was in the rebound by him moving on so fast, but now I know that I don't care what his reasons are, we both have to and are moving on. It is still hard at times, but once I passed the worst pain of all, it has gotten easier and better. It also helps to be able to vent on this site as well. Keep them coming!

I for one think when you do NC, its for you to get yourself together so you can better deal with reality, and I don't really think it matters what anyone else thinks as its me with the problem to deal with.

The last thing on my mind when I am hurting bad is what anyone thinks about it. They can suggest and give opinions but who has to do the actual work of overcoming and dealing with my pain? I do. When you hurt do whatever you think is best, but NC is the way to go.

Your friends, the real ones will understand and support your decision, but adversity will show you who's a real friend, and who isn't.

The only way you abuse NC, is by breaking it as it's the best healing tool around, if your willing to work on yourself, and deal with your reality.

Just my opinion, of course.

I Wish,
A very well written post!

NC is important as when someone is dumped- they are in so much pain and shock= cannot think at all, except for how to solve the break up.

By going on NC- it does hit us hard- the reality really kicks in. You have no choice in the matter-- this is how life is right now and so best to deal with it. Once you digest this, you start dealing with the pain, then step by step you start ore-organising yourself and the life around you. At first you do this cos you have to-- your lost, broken, destroyed etc--however as time goes on you start to do this cos you feel it for you.
NC helps one to achieve to that significant point. Once you get to this point, life starts to make a bit more sense, and courage for yourself then appears like magic.

Yeah I'm inclined to agree with you Tal. When push comes to shove, I got the problem, not them. If they're really my friends they'll help me get over my pain; which means they'll support NC by extension.

Friends are definitely a great support system in helping you follow the no contact rules. Friends don't want to see you in pain so they will help you heal and not add to the torment.

I also benefited from one friend who constantly reminded me that if I broke the rules, I will suffer the consequences and resetting my progress. The broken record method can be helpful too.

I agree- friends are the best support one can get, as they can help in many ways and make things a bit easier for you. One of my friends has a evil rule- every time a bugger up- I have to buy him a pint of beer... lol! = many beers overtime!

Friends are definitely a great support system in helping you follow the no contact rules. Friends don't want to see you in pain so they will help you heal and not add to the torment.

I also benefited from one friend who constantly reminded me that if I broke the rules, I will suffer the consequences and resetting my progress. The broken record method can be helpful too.

Friends can be great help as long as you don't use them to break NC. The friend has to understand that giving you 'reports' on the ex is NOT being helpful.

Friends can be great help as long as you don't use them to break NC. The friend has to understand that giving you 'reports' on the ex is NOT being helpful.

That's why I said in the last bullet of the "Alienating your ex and others around you" section that we find out who our true friends are during no contact.

Our true friends will want to help us heal and not prolong the pain and suffering.

Unfortunately, I have some friends who have wishful thinking and believe that patience will win the day. Patience as in, not giving up so easily (because they see no contact as a form of giving up).

Great thread "I wish"... you covered the no contact rule thoroughly. One question for you... I'm doing no contact again (after I broke it a few times already)... but what do you do when the dumper (my ex) keeps contacting me- even though I'm doing no contact she is still hurting me with texts like "thinking of you" or "I miss all our great times". Even when applying no contact messages like these from ex'es still sting/hurt and seem to set me (and I'm sure many others) back. Any advice?

Delete, block, ignore. Those are your choices.

Or text back, "Leave me the freak alone will ya!!!!"

what do you do when the dumper (my ex) keeps contacting me- even though I'm doing no contact she is still hurting me with texts like "thinking of you" or "I miss all our great times". Even when applying no contact messages like these from ex'es still sting/hurt and seem to set me (and I'm sure many others) back. Any advice?

If you find that her messages are holding you back from healing properly, then don't read them. Give your phone to someone you trust to delete the message for you so that you don't have the temptation to read it.


Delete, block, ignore. Those are your choices.

Or text back, "Leave me the freak alone will ya!!!!"

I would add: changing your number. Don't give her the means to communicate with you.

By the way, check out this point of view: (I quote)

"I think it is possible to engage in some contact with your ex and still be able to move on. It depends on the nature of the relationship, circumstances of the break-up, past, person’s own self, etc., but I do not believe we should think in such absolute terms, where one little event can destroy several month’s worth of healing. I mean, if someone is completely thrown over the edge and feels that all their progress has been reset after exchanging a short conversation with them online on MSN or something, I would be worried about this person’s emotional stability. In some cases, I think breaking NC and engaging in this type of contact might even help speed up the healing process and enable the person to appreciate the reality of the situation, because the other person’s reaction (coldness, indifference, ignoring them, etc.) could serve as a reinforcing wake-up call."

As it seems to have for me (see Contact Vs No Contact thread.

In my situ, and as a analytical person by nature, I would surmise that my NC probably brought about some realization on my ex to realise I was willing to go cold turkey to the end - I don't know. We'll see over the next few weeks, months..

Just over two weeks old this one, so very early days..

Loss.

"I think it is possible to engage in some contact with your ex and still be able to move on."


Some can, usually because they have been through this before, and no what to expect, and what they need to do for themselves. But others do not. They get stuck, and never deal with the false hope thing.

In addition to the below, can I have some non-dismissive opinions on an ex who still cares, and says they genuinely want to be friends and still do things together (some suggestions on the ex's part were walks, meals, even cinema.. I agreed but only because I was clinging a but, but asked her at the time whether she was in this kind of contact with any of her other ex's to which she responded she wasn't because she hadn't had the same kind of relationship with them. It appears from previous talks we've had whilst together that she feels she hasn't ever had that friendship or close mutual side of things in a relationship before. Is she just mixed up and needing to find this with someone else?

Having left it by saying, yes, I can do friends (although I only said this at the time as I was cut up and needing to cling to anything I could, thankfully I seem to be moving forward quite quickly on this one) I began NC and healing process, but she's pushed 2/3 further texts over the last fortnight asking if I'm OK and the last one saying that she knew she left the ball in my court if I wanted to meet up again but wanted to reiterate that she still wants to things if I do, and 'thankfully back to normal tomorrow' meaning work, or routine or whatever I guess. I know her well and, although she seems able to sack the romantic/physical and emotional relationship and wants to move on from that side of things, I know she doesn't like change.

Any thoughts?

Friends is fine for those that know themselves, and are not using friendship as an excuse to get back in good graces, with the hope of resuming a relationship.

Ask yourself, how would you feel if your "friend", didn't have time for you, because of a new romantic interest she was pursuing? Be honest.

Generally speaking, I think NC works in those situations where you have a clear dumper and dumpee. The dumpee benefits from going cold turkey as that will put a stop to the false hope of getting back together; overanalyzing conversations and constantly checking out whatever social networking sites that are available.

All this I think is also applicable when you're the dumper who ended the relationship because you were forced to realise that you were flogging a dead horse.

When the breakup is amicable-and how many are- its possible to remain friends.

\ok, thanks

Hm. I knew you'd hit me with that one! I don't know to be honest, things move on. I'm not going to sit here and type about how secure I am in myself and how happy I'd be for her because blatently you couldn't be! The nice feeling of knowing that your ex still cares would soon be gone once she begins to care for someone else and you'll feel the loss all over again I guess.

From that standpoint, by asserting to yourself that you won't contact, or chase her for anything, even if it's merely friendship or company or 'catch up' helps you because you're saying to yourself no matter what happens you'll hopefully have enough distance so that you can come to terms with things like this. Her motives intrigue me for still texting sometimes intrigue me but that's the type of person I am. I need to know, to understand. Has she thought about how our 'friendship' will be once we've moved on and met someone else? Does she want to keep you as emotional backup? This is why I was wondering whether she's confused.. or wants to keep the good things about being in the relationship, e.g. the walks, banter or whatever whilst letting go of the emotional dependency (that she found really annoying in my towards the end) and the romance (that hadn't been a factor for a while anyway due to the fact I had to move out, and on accommodation wise after the failed attempt to live together). I need to let that need to understand go as this is a prime example of a situation where you can't control, and you may never understand whether your plan is to get your ex back or merely to maintain civil or friendly contact.

To me NC is breaking an addiction. Just like other bad habits, these things become apart of who you are and your daily routine. NC is learning to cut ties with certain things you have become accustomed to and the emotional drawback to doing NC makes it hard to do so.

I compare it to quitting smoking. After a long, deep and meaningful relationship, when things end it is extremely hard to break the habit of talking to someone who was a HUGE part of your life. On the flip side, once it is over, it must be treated as such. The more you engage in contact, the more harm and confusion you do. Once you quit smoking, you have to quit... you can't slip up on a constant basis, otherwise you are mentally put into a funk again, albeit it maybe a small one.

NC is hard to stick to, but like any bad habit, it is worth its weight with an invaluable reward to those who can abide by it. The ever so delicate issue of taking control back into your hands, back into your life and keeping it that way so a positive and balanced life can be created based upon facts, not assumptions or wishful thinking. You learn more about yourself and grow more when you face the so called "impossible" situations in life, not when everything is peaches n' cream.

It's a very good analogy for sure. For the dumper, does NC benefit them too, although they don't seem to realise it? Or does it make neither here nor there to them whether you're willing or able to stay friends?

It's a very good analogy for sure. For the dumper, does NC benefit them too, although they don't seem to realise it? Or does it make neither here nor there to them whether or not you're willing or able to stay friends?

Not to step on anyone's toes here, but in my opinion it is ordinarily a good idea for both parties to gain a fresh perspective on life without the influence of the person they love(d). Friendship isn't always, and as I have experienced usually isn't, a realistic option for two people whom were previously in a loving and romantic relationship.

My advice is for the two splitting up to disappear from eachother's lives long enough to not let one influence another. Only then can you make a logical decision based upon reality, not emotion or feelings.

Lastly it is important to note that even for the dumper breaking up is never easy. Each person copes in a different way but there are hurt feelings on both sides of the fence.

It's a very good analogy for sure. For the dumper, does NC benefit them too, although they don't seem to realise it? Or does it make neither here nor there to them whether or not you're willing or able to stay friends?

After a break up, it's very difficult to completely cut contact on each other, because you've created a dependence on each other while in a relationship. So in the early stages of a break up, you attempt a friendship so that you can at least maintain some sort of dependence.

As time goes on, it's possible that feelings can disappate and your dependence on one another becomes a natural friendship.

The problem occurs when one of the two people involved begins or continues to have false hope. False hope sets up for disappointment. So if the false hope drags out, (i.e. only holding on to the friendship because the person is hoping to get the other person back, then NC is suggested to help you completely heal from the break up.

Once you've completely healed, then you can always attempt a friendship again, if both people involved are on the same page.

False hope seems to be really key here. There's nothing worse than wanting something you will never have. It invokes feelings of helplessness which IMO are not worth maintaining a friendship. What's the point? Besides, a girl who knows a guy is attracted to her will use that to get favours from him (and vice-versa). IE: walk her dog, do her homework etc.

Besides, a girl who knows a guy is attracted to her will use that to get favours from him (and vice-versa). IE: walk her dog, do her homework etc.

I think this works both ways for men and women.

The problem is if one person is vulnerable (i.e. dealing with false hope), they can easily be taken advantage of. It's important to have a lot of will power during the NC stage. Another key to NC also helps rebuild a person's self-esteem.

POLL ADDED

Many people have asked whether there is an appropriate or estimated timeline to recover from a break, the poll is to illustrate that we all take a different amount of time to recover depending on various circumstances.

Disclaimer: Please take the poll lightly, as many people can have multiple relationship and could have taken a different amount of time to recover.

I like the poll idea,has taken me 6+ in most cases and 4 years before I was ready for a committed long term relationship again.

Although in saying that I was quite busy during those 4 years,I didn't waste them moping and singing poor me.

Great post Iwish , and I agree with all the other info that's been added , I'd just like to add one thing , I know it's something I personally harp on about in some of my posts (sorry) but feel it's a major and that's Loss of Dignity.

When we are fresh from a Breakup we are not in the right frame of mind to make sound decisions because we're stuck in a situation of emotional turmoil , this leads us to do all the wrong things that No Contact eliminate.

That is contacting whether it be by phone , text , email , FB etc. Not only does this keep us in limbo with False Hope , expecting that small bit of communication back just so we don't break the rope we're tied to them with , but it shows them that they have complete control over your feelings and can manipulate you in any form they like.

They have complete control because you put them on a pedestal , and because your in a state of emotional turmoil you don't realize your doing it for all the wrong reasons , you put them there to cling on to any type of communication you may be able to extract from them , to cling on for grim death if you like. But they don't deserve to be on this pedestal , and the longer it goes the more you start to realize it.

No Contact eliminates this if applied properly , it saves you from doing all these silly fruitless things , so you can get on the healing train instead of being stuck on the emotional Rollercoaster that so many seem eager to ride and just don't know when to get off.

Go No Contact , and you'll not only heal quicker but you'll keep your Dignity , so instead of thinking to yourself 3-6 months down the track when your over them , OMG :eek: how silly was I , how embarrasing did I make myself look , all for someone who couldn't give a hoot how I felt etc. :rolleyes:

My advice to anyone reading this thread and going through a Breakup is give No Contact a go and stick to it , believe me you'll be glad you did.




Sorry for all the clichés , it's almost essential on this Forum :)

That's great! I can agree and relate to everything you said about no contact. I broke up with my ex last summer since then he has been on and off with me. I told him that we shouldn't remain friends but he insisted we did.. Anyway I asked him to take me back several times because I was so in love, I felt that I needed him and I didn't want to let go. I tried no contact and broke it several times, Until one day I thought enough is enough, is this guy really worth my tears or the pain I'm going through. I texted him to say that he will no longer be hearing from me, he did not believe me. However I changed my number the same day and I have not contacted him since which was a month ago. He has tried to contact me several times by email and turning up at my house but I act busy or just do not answer.




Ive learned from my mistakes. Sometimes when we break up with someone we act needly/clingy, text, phone them a lot, tell them how we feel which makes them want to run further away from us, which happened to me when I kept on phoning my ex. When the calls stopped he began to wonder what I am up to, I became mysterious to him again like at the start of the relationship which made him more interested in me. Plus he did not for once think I would let him go, he thought id always be there clinging on to him, so I guess the no contact was a shock to his system lol.

I think most of us who do not contact will sometimes find it hard to stick to it the first time round, but eventually we will realise that we have to let this person go and move on. I gave myself a time limit which did not work for me, so idecided to take eachday as it comes.

This NC thing really works but what happens when the ex moves next door?! He had nowhere else to go except his buddies' next door and I am buying my house so I can't leave anytime soon. Trust me--it hurts so bad that I would so I don't have to see him. In past relationships I've been able to do the NC because we weren't anywhere around each other. This one is hard! I keep my blinds drawn but of course we run into each other coming out of the house. I wish he would just go away! It hurts so much!

This NC thing really works but what happens when the ex moves next door?!?!? He had nowhere else to go except his buddies' next door and I am buying my house so I can't leave anytime soon. Trust me--it hurts so bad that I would so I don't have to see him. In past relationships I've been able to do the NC because we weren't anywhere around each other. This one is hard! I keep my blinds drawn but of course we run into each other coming out of the house. I wish he would just go away! It hurts so much!

Keep your blinds drawn is a good idea. Sounds like you have things under control. Don't worry about him so much, just focus on yourself. Easy said than done, but try your best to pretend as though he doesn't even live next door. Keep yourself as busy as possible so that you don't have to think about the living arrangements.

Wow, what a great post. My girlfriend of a little over 3 yrs asked for a break. I immediately went in NC and it is hella hard. She says she needs space and time to appreciate me more and to really miss me. She says she doesn't know why she takes me for granted. I know why, its cause she doesn't love me anymore. Or maybe she does but its less than it use to be. She said she needs 2 months apart, but I am already starting the healing process. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Life sucks...

wow, what a great post. my gf of a little over 3 yrs asked for a break. I immediately went in NC and it is hella hard. she says she needs space and time to appreciate me more and to really miss me. she says she doesnt know why she takes me for granted. I know why, its cause she doesnt love me anymore. Or maybe she does but its less than it use to be. She said she needs 2 months apart, but I am already starting the healing process. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Life sucks.....

I hope that the healing process is going well. Try not to dwell on the reasons for the break up, because you can go in circles all day, which will only prolong the pain and suffering. Think about it this way, the bottom line is that she no longer wants to continue the relationship, whatever the reasons may be. So accept her choice and move forward with your life.