3 posts merged,

I have been going out with this guy now for over 2 years and we have been engaged now for just over a year, but over the last year I have felt so clingy to him as if I'm almost obsessed with him and it really is doing my head in! And its just getting worse and still is at the moment, I feel very insecure and feel very needy of him as if I have to be with him all the time, and if I don't I just get very unhappy. I also think that I get jelous whenever he goes out to see his mates instead of wanting to see me, and also very selfish like I want him to myself all the time. But I hate feeling this way and just wish that I wouldn't analyise things too much because I often think he's not bothered about seeing me sometimes when he goes to see his mates instead of wanting to see me,I keep thinking very negatively. I just wish I could get on with my life at the same time by wanting to spend time with my friends and family and also doing other activities and being as happy as when I am with him. I have spoke to him about this and he says I should just try to change the way I think, but I have tried and I still just keep thinking these horrible negative thoughts. Also I tend to call him and text him a lot and if he doesn't text back I start thinking he's not bothered! Its so hard to understand, does anyone know what I'm going through or can anyone help me? Because I feel as though I am going mad!

My ex-girlfriend was like this for 6 years. It ruined our relationship because we became so dependent on each other that we turned emotionally abusive because of the rut we had put ourselves in.

She came to her senses but left me and is now out with her friends all the time. Try to build your life on your own... not around him. We all need a relationship with someone who's on our side and not in our way. You have to try and break the clingyness the best you can because it could tear you (and him) apart.

There is a lot to be said about internal dialogue (what you say and the words you use in your head). Maybe what you need to do is write out a list of negative words that you use and then think of a list of positive words. Look at the list each day and start to use the positive list instead. Things like you are loved by your family and friends, you are a good and decent person who can survive whether you are married or single. If you work on yourself esteem you will feel better about yourself which means your partner would feel better too. Side note jealousy doesn't solve or help anything put that at the top of your negative list

You need to learn to be independent.

The way your acting now will RUIN your relationship. You need to realize your not his whole life, you're a PART of it. It needs to be like that vice versa.

Its one thing to have the thoughts, its quite another to act on them. I agree, start changing the way you talk to yourself, stay positive, and put into action things to do without him, that you enjoy.

If you need help with this process, don't be afraid to get it.

Hi Catherine 88,

You need to make a better balance, where you can do want you want to do alone, where your man can do what he wants to do alone and where you both can spend time doing things together.

Make a list and perhaps you can go for a nice beer with your man and make some good suggestions? This way you can open up a nice communication with positive thoughts and realistic goals, which I am sure he would appreciate v much?

Right down your making his your life instead of having your own and that's not healthy.

Instead of being mad when he goes out with his friends why don't you make plans with your. He shouldn't be your only happiness because there should be other things that make you happy. A ma shouldn't validate who you are and it's good that you realize your issues now you have to work out ways to change them for this relationship to last.

Don't lose yourself in a man. Being jealous and have insecurities can be a deal breaker for a relationship. If your fiancé never stepped out of this relationship or gave you any reason to worry, then don't. Don't wish for something bad to happen and start going out more with friends and family and having a life outside of this relationship.

You were an individual before you two started dating, so I am not sure where that ended, or why. What happened in the last year that has made you so clingy?

It is important, as Zeenie has mentioned, to keep a balance in a relationship, and not depending upon someone else for your happiness. I am also going to tell you that this is VERY hard to break. You have made it a habit, and, like any habit, it takes time to break. You have become addicted to your fiancé, which can be understandable, but very, very dangerous. These types of issues normally get worked out before a couple becomes engaged.

Don't forget that you are a great person too, and remember the things you like to do with your friends, and do them. This is about sharing your life, and who you are, not completely giving it up for the sake of your soon to be husband. You are going to have to find out who you are, and that means not being so desperate for attention from your fiancé.

Good luck.

Too be honest Catherine I have the same problem only difference is that I'm a male and get very insecure and hate been without my girlfriend...

Catherine, I understand what you are going through and can tell you that it is vital to start making the steps to get yourself back. KCtiger speaks the truth. I am going through an almost identical situation at the present time and it is difficult. Remember that the other person loved you when you were independent so be more independent. I have found that taking steps to make myself happy has already started to help. It is not going to be easy and there will be tough times but the work is worth it for a healthy relationship.

Hi Catherine, the others a very correct, taking responsibility for your own happiness, by balancing your life with things you enjoy doing, and accomplishing, without your soon to be husband, is a great idea. Having your own friends, and activities, is a must.

This will help change your thinking, and help you to love yourself. Go do something good for yourself, as when you love yourself and are happy with who you are, then you can have something to share with you partner. Go get busy.

SELF CONTROL!. if you can master self control, then many situations, like this one, in life will not get out of hand.

It may be the way you are thinking. You def don't need to continue because that kind of stuff will run them off. Think about this, if you guys are going to spend the rest of your lives together you don't need to spend every minute of every day together. You will have plenty of time. Go out with your friends and try to just leave your phone somewhere so you can't text or call him. I can almost garuntee if you leave him alone when he is with his friends, it will make you more desirable. Then he will start textin you! Also if you have gotten so comfortable with him that you don't even want to go out with your friends, that sounds like a confidence issue. Confidence is always very important, so get dress up and go some where looking fine.

If you keep on doing this, you are not even going to make it to the alter my dear! If you are constantly wanting his attention, you are without a doubt going to drive him straight in the other direction. He won't be around at all! Is that what you want? Then you will be coming here and asking us how to get him back, but the damage will have already been done.

You need to keep your mind busy! Plan your day around you, and not him. Don't give yourself time to sit and think about what he is doing and where he is! Go to the Gym or do some phyical activity that will release your anxiety. It will make you feel better about yourself. Don't think about it, just do it! Go out with your friends, take up a new hobby, join a group or club, volunteer for something you believe in to help other people! Focus your attention on something else, or you WILL lose him. No man wants a needy, clingy woman that has no life outside of him. It's too much responsibility, and it gets really old, really fast!

The more you do for yourself, the better you will feel, and the more he will be attracted to the more independent you!

3 posts merged, there is no need to post the same question over, and over

Threads merged again!!

Hi guys, I have been going out with this guy who is 24, for nearly 3 years now and have been engaged for over a year, and he is a very sensitive person and has been all his life. And get angry very easily. He is the kind of guy who doesn't really open up about his feelings when he is feeling down or depressed. Anyway whenever we have a small argument or something he goes very sensitive and ends up bringing our relationship into it and says really nasty things that hurt me so much, stuff like he doesn't love me or care about me much anymore, and that he doesn't think our relationship is going to work. And he seems as though he gets very confused. And in our whole relationship altogether this has happened so many times. And recently in the past month it has happened 3 times. We break up because of this, then after a day or a long horrible hour of it of me being really upset he always says that he was just being sensitive and angry and didn't mean any of it, and starts saying that he does love me so much and stuff then we hug and make up, but then also sometimes he says that I should just leave him and that I shouldn't be with him because he says that he is always going to be like this and doesn't want to keep on hurting me. I just don't know what to do! I love him so much and I just can't let go, because deep down I no how much he does love me, its just that when were on bad terms like when he goes sensitive he thinks all negatively about the whole relationship and forgets about the positive side of it, but I guess just because he goes sensitive, but I just don't know what to do because it hurts me so much when this happens, but would hurt me way more if we broke up for good. I just can't believe how he can treat me like that. But then I keep reminding myself he's just being sensitive. I have told him maybe he should get some professional help or maybe even just talk to one of his mates about it? Because I no whenever I have a problem it helps a lot when I talk to a mate, because I know he has a real problem here and hereally needs to sort it out especially for the sake or our relationship, please tell me what I should do?




Your post are either being deleted as duplicates, or merged into one. Why start new questions, and confuse us like that??

I can see that if you continue with this fellow and marry him your life is going to be one heck of a roller coaster ride because as you describe it, it is an emotional roller coaster ride right now. Every time he get sensitive you are going to beat yourself up over it and wonder why. I don't know why you want to make your life completely miserable this way.

It doesn't sound like he has your best interests or feelings in mind when he gets nasty like that.

He has to sort it out through counselling to find out why he turns on someone that cares for him. One doesn't treat people they care about this way.

Amen - they really really don't.

Its exactly for that reason that you don't treat him that way either...

This man is not sensitive. Sensitivity not only means sensitive to THEIR problems, it means being sensitive to OTHERS problems. He uses the word 'sensitive' to cover the fact that he really doesn't care how his feelings make others feel.

He's feeling sorry for himself,. I'm so sensitive, I'm never going to change, leave me... come on. If he really believed all of this he'd be a man and stand up and pack his bags himself!

This situation doesn't just happen, he does it. You should remember this when you're the one sitting there crying and he's busy being 'sensitive'. This is emotional abuse.

Tell him that if he doesn't sort it out, your gone. Period.

Well you are insecure, and he is sensitive, but nasty. The word INCOMPATIBLE, comes to mind.

Threads merged again!!

hi guys, i have been going out with this guy who is 24, for nearly 3 years now and have been engaged for over a year, and he is a very sensitive person and has been all his life. and get angry very easily. he is the kind of guy who doesn't really open up about his feelings when he is feeling down or depressed. Anyway whenever we have a small argument or something he goes very sensitive and ends up bringing our relationship into it and says really nasty things that hurt me so much, stuff like he doesnt love me or care about me much anymore, and that he doesnt think our relationship is going to work. and he seems as tho he gets very confused. and in our whole relationship altogether this has happened so many times. and recently in the past month it has happened 3 times. We break up because of this, then after a day or a long horrible hour of it of me being really upset he always says that he was just being sensitive and angry and didnt mean any of it, and starts saying that he does love me so much and stuff then we hug and make up, but then also sometimes he says that i should just leave him and that i shouldn't be with him because he says that he is always going to be like this and doesnt want to keep on hurting me. I just dont know wot to do! i love him so much and i just can't let go, because deep down i no how much he does love me, its just that when were on bad terms like when he goes sensitive he thinks all negatively about the whole relationship and forgets about the positive side of it, but i guess just because he goes sensitive, but i just dont know what to do because it hurts me so much when this happens, but would hurt me way more if we broke up for good. i just can't believe how he can treat me like that. but then i keep reminding myself hes just being sensitive. I have told him maybe he should get some professional help or maybe even just talk to one of his mates about it? cos i no whenever i have a problem it helps a lot when i talk to a mate, cos i know he has a real problem here and hereally needs to sort it out especially for the sake or our relationship, please tell me what i should do?




This is emotional blackmail! He is using you to take out the emotions that he refuses to deal with on his own. If you keep on placating him, it can and will, only get worse as time goes by. He sounds like an emotional time bomb to me. If and until, he works out his inside rage, you are not helping him or yourself at all by sticking around. You are only enabling him to do what he is doing, and giving him a little more rope each time you forgive him. You need to distance yourself from this, so you can see the clearer picture, or the next thing you could be telling us is that you need our help because he exploded and took it out on you. I'm talking from personal experience here, so trust me, I know how this can end up, and it's not very pretty.

Instead of keep starting a new thread about the same issue why don't you give feedback on the responses you already received? Also, address some of the issues that was pointed out to yp?

Threads merged

Hi I have been in a relationship now with my Fiancé for 4 years and have been engaged for just over 2. He is the type of guy who is very sensitive and keeps his feelings blocked inside him. I don't know why but I always feel as though I am way more attatched to him then he is to me. I have told him this and he said that I'm just being stupid and that you can't compare the 2 cause we are 2 different people. But surely you can as we are both in the same relationship? Also to make it worse whenever I try and talk to him about it he just sits there and doesn't say anything to reassure me, maybe its because I have told him so many times? I don't know? But I keep on feeling this way and its not going away! And I hate it. I no deep down that he doesn't care about me and love me but I just don't think it is as much as I love and care for him? Or am I just being paroniod? Also to make it worse when I do try and talk about it to him he completely ignores me and doesn't want to text back or anything. Which just makes me think even more that he's not bothered about wanting to sort out anything? Or making things better? He doesn't seem fussed? But why do I feel like this? Is it me or him? Because I can't work it out! I do love him so much but also I no that I am very needy and independent on him and sometimes I admit a bit obsessive, example:by keep texting or calling, especially when we have had an argument. He has told me that he just likes space to think about things. But why can't we just talk about it straight away like a normal couple? Am I getting like this because I am really independent from him and always want more? Or is it actually him not making enough effort with me/relationship? Please help me! I feel so trapped!!

Hi,
It is hard to forgive him, but the real fact is that he to loves you lot but at the same time he is in a dianamo with some other problem me be this causing problme he is not open with you and the same time don't over expect any one. Because no one proves as hero in evey aspect
What you can do is express your feelings completely to him. Defanately he will lesson to u. If u want something means you have to sacrifice something it means if any argument comes between you people try to compromise frm your side so that he felt happy initialley later he will defanately understand your feelings.

Catherine88;
But why can't we just talk about it straight away like a normal couple?

I don't think NORMAL and COUPLE should ever be in the same sentence.
There are no normal couples each come with there own set of circumstances,what works for one doesn't for the other.what I see in you'r post is this.when you'r wanting to talk about something this seriuos and important to you I wouldn't do it using a cell,text you have to know you have his attention.
Timeing is everything when you want to talk to a guy about sensitive,emotional type issues you don't wait until the minute he walks in the door,or during a game or program he's been waiting to watch,you have to set it up.weve done our best talking on drives,and on walks.
Also take the emotional "you don't love me as much as I do you" if he doesn't love you as much as you love him be happy you have found someone that you love this much and leave it at that.
Now what's going to make you happy or happier?
Share these things with him,leave out the YOU this and YOU that and tell him I.
Ex.I would like it if we did this together,we would benefit by doing this.

I agree with zippit. Normal and couple should not be in the same sentence. Every couple is different. Some guys just are the way your fiancé is. Myself included. Sometimes we just don't express our feelings as easily and vividly as others. I am kind of the same way with my wife, but it doesn't mean that I don't love her as much as she loves me. That's just my personality. Give him a little leeway here. But don't stop trying to talk to him about it once in awhile. The fact remains that he is a guy, and guys express their feelings far different from the way that women do. There is nothing wrong with him and he most likely loves you just as much as you love him.

Has it occurred to you that you might be driving him crazy with your doubts and your fears?

Because they are YOUR doubts and your fears. Why do you want and expect constant reassurance? Other than not pandering to your insecurities, has he given you any other cause to doubt the relationship or his love for you?

No one wants to be in a relationship with someone that is needy, insecure and needs constant reassurance. It's not much fun.

I'd suggest you might need to do some work on understanding where your need for reassurance comes from - if you don't, your fears about your fiancée may become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I think your expecting him to be one way, and he acts another. The first rule of couples is to accept your partner, and not change them.

Maybe less texting, and more personal interactions, and pick your spots better.

He can't do it your way, when he has his own, and you have your own. Less is more with quiet internal type guys, so stop pushing so much, and do more listening, when he does talk to you.

I think if you slow your tactics and give him the time and space to process what you have told him, you may get further down the road of honest communications with him.

Geez you have been with the guy for 4 years, seems you should know his style pretty well by now. You know he loves you so why try to squeeze more out the tube.

But on the other hand, you do seem some what insecure, and need a lot of reassurance, and I'm not sure why. That's something you would have to explain.

Maybe he is not physically supportive like when you need a hug, but he doesn't respond with one?

I bet he has trouble understanding emotional things about you.

All her threads have been merged to give a more complete picture

Thanks guys, you really have helped a lot, and your right, I don't know why myself but I AM needy of his attention and always want reassurance. Maybe its because he doesn't show me enough? Or maybe I expect too much from him? Who knows, but anyway thanks for the help guys, much appreciated x

I have been with my Fiancé now for 4 years, engaged for 2, whenever we have an argument which happens quite often to be honest, I'm not putting everything on him but its normally him the one that causes it, and he hardly ever apologises after and doesn't admit that he is in the wrong. For example we recently had a small argument 2 days ago, it was over nothing! Basically he was supposed to take me out the Friday just gone for a meal but he said he couldn't as he had no money, so I said OK fair enough, then the next day I saw him Saturday night and he told me that in the afternoon he had bought a £70 steering wheel fis his xbox! So I think any girl would be a little bit mad if their partner did that! So he basically lied to me! Because he did have money, and what was worse was when I was having a go at him about it all he could say was your stressing me out I don't want to see you for ages trying to turn it around on me! And I asked him only for an apology and all he could say was I'm not apologising for something I didn't do wrong! And now I haven't heard from him in the last 2 days AT all. He normally does this after an argument when he wants space, but its every single time! He has done so many small things to piss me off throughout our relationship! As if he doesn't appreciate me or something, and he knows that I always run back to him, so I think this is why he does it. It feels like he's trying to play games with me for the attention or something! But I have been strong and I haven't rang him or anything! I'm not waiting for him to contact me as he should!! He hasn't even asked how I am or anything, I know realistically it has only been 2 days but it feels longer then that and I've got a feeling he's going to try and keep this up for ages... I love him so much but I hate his attitude with me sometimes and the way he treats me... please help I don't know what to do... is love really enough in a relationship?

I don't know how old you are-early twenties?-but he comes across as a sulky little kid,and wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with an adult?
Leave him to sulk and go and do your thing.

Yeah I'm 21 nice guess, lol

OK I'm 21 and I have been going out with a guy now aged 25 in January, we started going out when I was 17 and he was my age, so I have been with him 4 years now, engaged for 2, We have had quite a lot of arguments in our relationship over the last 2 years I think, and a lot of the times he has tried to break up with me just because of one silly argument and has also said stuff that he doesn't mean because he is a very sensitive person which I do understand, and then a few days ago we had a stupid argument where it was his fault, he was supposed to take me out last Friday but said he had no money so I said OK fair enough then he goes out th next day and buys a £70 steering wheel for his x box, I don't know whether that's just guys for you or what? But of course I'm going to be annoyed! So I had a go at him for it and he wouldn't apologise or anything as if he thought that he didn't do anything wrong, and this is what most of our arguments are like, if its my fault I will apologise in the next minute, but if its him don't get me wrong he has apologised a few times but a lot of the time he hasn't. Anyway and then after that HE ignored me for 3 days, because I think he just wanted space so I didn't contact him either. But he acts like it was my fault, shouldn't it of been the other way round? Me ignoring him? The thing is in our relationship I am the very needy one and I love him so much and he knows this, every time we have an argument even if its his fault and he doesn't apologise I still go running back to him because if I'm not with him and I know that we have just had an argument or something I panick! (even if he's done something wrong) and he knows this and I just think it feels like he's taking me for granted. I know I need to stop doing it but I love him so much and its so hard to make him realise what he has got. Because it feels like sometimes he forgets how important I am to him. I know he loves me I can feel it when he holds me, but the other day after the argument on Friday and after the 3 days space I went round to his and he said that he didn't know whether his love was strong enough for me, and also didn't know whether he has a future with us anymore and also said he was happier on his own!! So can you imagine how much that hurt me? I can't stop thinking about those words! I'm sure any girl would be the same? He has said in the past he didn't want to be with me after arguments and then the next day said he didn't mean it and that he was being sensitive but never anything like this, that he didn't love me and about our future etc, but then I saw him last night and asked if he love was still strong for me? And he said yes, but he won't let me ask him anymore questions about what he said, I think he's just trying to block it out, we did decide to forget about it, but its still very hard for me, I think he gets very very confused about his feelings sometimes, this is why I just don't know what to believe! Also I think maybe he might just be with me because he feels bad or something? But then I know that he does love me and I know he's happy with me! I think he just gets very confused! Please help! Any thoughts? Thanks

Posts merged, there is no need to post the same question over, and over

Back up, and leave the guy alone for a while, so you both can get unconfused. You are overwhelming to say the least.

This situation with you and your BF has been going round, and round, and round for ages now.

You are both emotionally dysfunctional. You're incredibly needy and he's incredibly resistant to your neediness.

You talk about love, but your connection to this guy is related to fear, fear that he doesn't love you, fear that he doesn't give you enough, fear that he will leave you.

In one way he likes your neediness and feeds on your fear - because it makes him feel important - but on the other hand it drives him crazy.

Don't get me wrong I'm not blaming you - you're both creating this push and pull merry-go-round in the relationship.

I suspect that nothing I suggest will change your situation because you're so hooked into the pattern you've created with him. Eventually he WILL tire of it and he'll close down completely. He will break up with you permanently.

I will suggest however, that you would benefit from counseling - on your own - to examine your neediness and fears - and to start changing these behaviors so that you can have greater success with relationships in the future.

At the moment, regarding the BF, you'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Does he ever act needy or insecure?

No he's not needy of me at all he's very independent. I merge it over and over again because my question seems to disappear straight away so I keep having to merge it.
Gemini54 thanks for your answer you have got it spot on, I am very much like that, but that still doesn't help me with why he's acting the way he does, by not apologising for any of his mistakes, and also saying that he doesn't want to be with me anymore or love me for no reason etc etc... when all I have ever done is love him, I feel as though he is taking me for granted because he knows how needy I am of him which is very unhealthy in a relationship and I feel like I am going mad, so maybe your right, maybe I should go to a counseling session, I am very emotional about this.

Also forgot to say... he says he doesn't love me or can't see his future with me etc... and then the next day things are brilliant again, he says that he was just being sensitive and thinking negatively, but now everything he does for me I think he's doing it out of guilt, or maybe he feels like he has to? Because he also said to me that he's not ready for a relationship and doesn't know what he wants anymore. Then the next day when were hugging and close to each other he's the opposite as if nothing ever happened and he didn't say any of that to me. But he did and it really hurt me and he's refusing to talk about it. I think he's trying to block it out

The reason why I have fear is because of the things he says to me one minute then the next everything's fone again. Of course I'm going to have fear.

liz28, he has given me something to worry about that's the thing, I am like this and have a lot of fear because of things he has said to me in the past whenever we have an argument, like he doesn't love me much anymore, he can't see his future with me etc etc then the next day everything is fine again as if nothing ever happened, I just can't work him out! You would have thought I could though after being with the guy for 4 years! He said he is just very sensitive and sometimes thinks negatively, which I'm guessing he doesn't mean what he says to me then.

My guess is that you two should not be together. You are not coposetic, in sync, you can't read him well, after four years, that is very unusual. I think its time to throw in the towel and hook up with someone who treats you better and can communicate well. Its not happening, my dear, for you.

Tick

I see no communication or cooperation nor willingness from the two of you to forge a strong healthy bond.
All I see is fears,insecurities and questions.
I don't think this is a healthy relationship at all.
Me,I'd walk away.

Well I can see where your coming from but it's a bit hard to just walk away from someone who I love 100% and who I made my whole life.

Also I have given so much willingness, cooperation and communication but IM the one who doesn't receive any of it back because he just blocks it all away. He is pushing me further away and in time he will lose me for good and he is going to regret it because he will never find anyone who loves him as much as I do. It will be impossible, that's how much I'm in love with him.

He NEEDS to realise this!! THAT is the problem!

Thanks for all your comments by the way xxx

I'm just hoping that things will progress, either for us now, or in the future. X

Catherine your first mistake is making this guy your whole life. Why are you willing to settle when your not completely happy with him. Sitting around hiping he will change and see what he has in you would do any good>>>don't you see this after 4 years. You have issues you need to work on and it is good that you realize this because some people don't. Maybe one day you will do what is best for you instead of someone else/best of luck.