phoenix5458
Dec 14, 2009, 11:09 AM
Lately I seem to be more anxious, irritable, depressed, and fearful. And something new that's completely out of character -- a white-hot temper. What in the world is wrong with me?
Background:
Have suffered depression most of my adult life due to childhood physical and emotional abuse from both parents, and being molested by my father. Also history of suicide attempts. Dr. said it altered chemicals in my brain pretty much permanently, and that I would likely be on antidepressants the rest of my life, which I have. Relationship-wise, my last relationship lasted 12 years. Though I messed up on drugs twice early on in the relationship, it was mostly calm, peaceful, uneventful, and somewhat passionless (though I was quite happy anyway). We fought maybe once a year, if that. However, I was told that "it was over", and was asked to leave. This was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.
That was two and 1/2 years ago. I am now 51 years old, and in menopause x 1.5 years, though my hormones are within normal range as of a few months ago. I recently moved from the northeast to the deep south to be with my partner, and have been here a little over a year.
Things didn't start well, as we had to live with the "ex" for the first two months I was here. This is when my symptoms seemed to increase. I became more fearful than usual, though my partner has given no reason for me to think there was anything going on with the ex.
C. is 9 years younger, very arractive and gregarious, brainy, high energy, and works two jobs while going to school 3/4 time at the medical college. We get to spend little quality time together. I already have my degree and will be working soon. On a regular basis, C. mentions attractive people met while on the job. This makes me anxious, fearful, and irritable, even though, again, I know this person would never cheat on me.
I've never lived out of state before, and feel like a stranger in a strange land. Things are more different than I would have dreamed possible, but esp. culturally, i.e. the family thought I was rude because I didn't eat if I wasn't hungry -- you don't refuse food in the south, whereas I was brought up that you don't take food if you aren't going to eat it. This is only one small thing on a long, long list of things that make me feel stupid, inept, and socially awkward.
I became depressed shortly after I moved down here, and went on Wellbutrin, but with little relief of my symptoms. I've never fought in any of my previous relationships, but we fight almost constantly about silly things - usually both of us fighting over hurt feelings and misunderstandings. We are both now "on point" almost constantly. I left once, but came back after being assured that love was still there.
Most disturbing, I am finding I have a temper. A bad one. I've always been soft-spoken, shy, retiring but confident. Now I'm worse, but with no confidence whatsoever. I've never hit anyone in my life. (Some women down here, perhaps of lesser breeding, have found this amazing and amusing. I seem to be perceived as "weak" down here.) Since moving down here, I've smacked my partner in the back once, and once, several times on the head (not the face). I've thrown things, hit walls and broken things, and most recently put my fist through the front door window. I am frightened of these new changes to my personality. There is no violence from my partner to provoke this -- just hurtful things said to me during our fights.
If I told what few friends/family I have up North about these things, they would laugh and wait for the punch line. This is all that unlike me. I do not understand what is wrong with me. My paranoia is increasing in that I feel a compulsion to check my partner's phone, again with no reason whatsoever to fear infidelity. Not even a gut feeling (which has always been very reliable for me).
I don't understand what's happening to me. I have no health insurance, and public mental health care down here is lacking. I am able to see a doc every 3 months, but can only get counseling support 2 x a month. I am used to seeing someone once a week, even during good times.
I feel like I am going far afield from who I once was, and don't understand all these negative. Changes in my personality. Can someone please shed some light on any of this??
Background:
Have suffered depression most of my adult life due to childhood physical and emotional abuse from both parents, and being molested by my father. Also history of suicide attempts. Dr. said it altered chemicals in my brain pretty much permanently, and that I would likely be on antidepressants the rest of my life, which I have. Relationship-wise, my last relationship lasted 12 years. Though I messed up on drugs twice early on in the relationship, it was mostly calm, peaceful, uneventful, and somewhat passionless (though I was quite happy anyway). We fought maybe once a year, if that. However, I was told that "it was over", and was asked to leave. This was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.
That was two and 1/2 years ago. I am now 51 years old, and in menopause x 1.5 years, though my hormones are within normal range as of a few months ago. I recently moved from the northeast to the deep south to be with my partner, and have been here a little over a year.
Things didn't start well, as we had to live with the "ex" for the first two months I was here. This is when my symptoms seemed to increase. I became more fearful than usual, though my partner has given no reason for me to think there was anything going on with the ex.
C. is 9 years younger, very arractive and gregarious, brainy, high energy, and works two jobs while going to school 3/4 time at the medical college. We get to spend little quality time together. I already have my degree and will be working soon. On a regular basis, C. mentions attractive people met while on the job. This makes me anxious, fearful, and irritable, even though, again, I know this person would never cheat on me.
I've never lived out of state before, and feel like a stranger in a strange land. Things are more different than I would have dreamed possible, but esp. culturally, i.e. the family thought I was rude because I didn't eat if I wasn't hungry -- you don't refuse food in the south, whereas I was brought up that you don't take food if you aren't going to eat it. This is only one small thing on a long, long list of things that make me feel stupid, inept, and socially awkward.
I became depressed shortly after I moved down here, and went on Wellbutrin, but with little relief of my symptoms. I've never fought in any of my previous relationships, but we fight almost constantly about silly things - usually both of us fighting over hurt feelings and misunderstandings. We are both now "on point" almost constantly. I left once, but came back after being assured that love was still there.
Most disturbing, I am finding I have a temper. A bad one. I've always been soft-spoken, shy, retiring but confident. Now I'm worse, but with no confidence whatsoever. I've never hit anyone in my life. (Some women down here, perhaps of lesser breeding, have found this amazing and amusing. I seem to be perceived as "weak" down here.) Since moving down here, I've smacked my partner in the back once, and once, several times on the head (not the face). I've thrown things, hit walls and broken things, and most recently put my fist through the front door window. I am frightened of these new changes to my personality. There is no violence from my partner to provoke this -- just hurtful things said to me during our fights.
If I told what few friends/family I have up North about these things, they would laugh and wait for the punch line. This is all that unlike me. I do not understand what is wrong with me. My paranoia is increasing in that I feel a compulsion to check my partner's phone, again with no reason whatsoever to fear infidelity. Not even a gut feeling (which has always been very reliable for me).
I don't understand what's happening to me. I have no health insurance, and public mental health care down here is lacking. I am able to see a doc every 3 months, but can only get counseling support 2 x a month. I am used to seeing someone once a week, even during good times.
I feel like I am going far afield from who I once was, and don't understand all these negative. Changes in my personality. Can someone please shed some light on any of this??