I haven't really gotten another woman's perspective on my situation. Basically I was with my ex for 4.5 years before she called it off last week. Now I am heartbroken and I have to move out next week. We were renting a house that her dad owned so its obviously me that has to move out. Four months ago we were engaged to be married in September of this year. These past four months have been an absolute nightmare and a trainwreck that I don't think either of us saw coming.

In December 2008, we had been engaged for 6 months at that point, and out of nowhere, I started to get these strange feelings. I started to get really nervous about getting married in less than a year. We had just moved into together and we weren't really getting along, and I didn't like the way she was treating me after we moved in and were trying to get the house organized. For some reason I started to think about all the things I didn't like about her and how she started negative behavior like her mother. I just started to get scared. On top of that I was dealing with depression that I have had for a long time. I had been unhappy with myself and I had my own issues with myself confidence.

So I told my fiancé about my cold feet and that maybe we should postpone the wedding. I told her I still loved her, I still wanted to be with her, and I just wanted to make this work and sort out our problems first. She seemed OK with this but then the next day she said she would try to be nicer to me and asked if I wanted to go ahead with the wedding in September. After thinking about it, I realized I did love her and that maybe my cold feet were just temporary and so I agreed.

About two weeks later we got into an argument about something stupid. I revealed to her that I had been really depressed lately and there were times when I didn't see a point in life. This obviously hurt her very much, but I assured her it had nothing to do with her and it dealt more with my own insecurities. She was hurt because she figured that when someone is engaged it should be the happiest time in their life. She said later that night that she couldn't marry someone who is miserable and depressed and had their own issues that needed worked on. She gave back the ring.

A day or two later we were having a discussion about what had happened and this is when I told her other things she probably didn't want to hear. I told her I was feeling smothered living with her and I also told her that I had felt a little bit of pressure to propose to her. I don't really think there was 100 percent truth to these statements, but I was just grasping at straws trying to explain to her where the cold feet might have came from. These things hurt her even more.

I took a few days and really reflected on everything and I realized that I really did want to marry her in September and that these feelings were just temporary insanity. When I told her that, she said "You couldn't have changed your mind that quickly after saying the things you did". I told her I did change my mind, I was wrong and I wanted to go through with the wedding. She refused and said she was still hurt and was protecting herself in the case that she took me back and I did it all over again. I assured her I wouldn't but she still didn't trust me.

About two weeks passed after that and we were getting along even though the wedding was called off. She was trying to evaluate if she still wanted to be in this relationship. It was New Year's Eve and she wanted to meet up with my friends and I. I was upset that she didn't take me back after I said I no longer had cold feet and wanted to get married. I guess I acted like a jerk that night and ignored her. The next day she said she was done for good.

I was supposed to move out but we talked and we sort of rushed back into things... We started getting along and I was being really good to her and I told her I was sorry for everything and that I still wanted to marry her. Then we started going to couples counseling in February and we were making progress. I realized that I had made a huge mistake, and that I no longer had the feelings I did and I knew for sure I wanted to marry her. Our therapist said if we wanted to move forward, we had to put the past behind us. And this is where my ex had a lot of trouble in. It was too hard for her to do that.

I thoughts things were going well and I wanted to get the relationship and the engagement back on track... but then last weekend she drops a bombshell and says she doesn't want to do this anymore and that she doesn't love me the way she used to and doesn't see a future with me. This crushed me. So now here I am and I have to move out. I don't really know what to think. I understand why she is hurt and I guess she could not let the past go and try to trust me again. I think she thought that I would just do the same thing all over again, even though now, I know 100 PERCENT that I would not.

So women on here, if you were in my ex's shoes, would you bail or would you try to work things out and make it work? Is cold feet something that would break your trust enough that you couldn't ever get it back? I feel like she is my soulmate and the love of my life. I had never felt those feelings in our 4.5 years together and I couldn't help how I felt. I looked deep into myself and I realized she is everything I wanted it and my feelings of doubt were temporary. Should I just move on or is there any hope in us getting back together? What should I do? Should I just move out and do NC and work on myself and not think about her or talk to her unless she contacts me?

So all she has is your word that things will change? You haven't kept your word before, why should she trust you now?

As a guy, its not a good bet that you would be a good partner.

So are you saying that any relationship in which a person has temporary cold feet is doomed to fail? People that have broken up have never gotten back together and gotten married after some time apart? This was really the only time I broke her trust. Its hard, but I believe you can gain trust back.

I would be gone and stay gone.

I am glad that you didn't get marry because getting hitch don't make the problems away and the two you had plenty, which was unhealthy.

You need to sort out your own problems through counseling instead of trying to be in a relationship.

The two of you sounds like oil and water and sometimes you can't always fix what is broken.

So women on here, if you were in my ex's shoes, would you bail or would you try to work things out and make it work?

It's been 4.5 years of procrastination, depression, not understanding himself, saying words not thought very well. Most likely she's certain on what she's talking about.


Is cold feet something that would break your trust enough that you couldn't ever get it back?
Certainly. You proposed to me and you said you feel smothered and pressured? What is it you really want?


Should I just move on or is there any hope in us getting back together?
Move on and kill that hope. You had your chances but you had doubts. Things will just go back on its old ways.


What should I do?
Move on. Take what she said and deal your own issues.


Should I just move out and do NC and work on myself and not think about her or talk to her unless she contacts me?
Move out. Sort out your own depression. Any woman wouldn't want to deal with a depressed man. No matter what you say, we will always think it's us.

But I really didn't feel pressure. It was something I told her when we were trying to figure out the reasons for my cold feet. I brought up that I felt a little bit of pressure. But the day I proposed to her, I knew I wanted to marry her. We were engaged 6 months and the whole time I knew for sure.

Why didn't she just bail for good when it first happened? Why did she give me another chance by going to therapy? Obviously, she was willing to try to work things out but for whatever reason I guess it didn't work.

For whatever reason she decided she wants out and bail just like you did.

Maybe she got sick of the agruing, I don't know I am in her head.

You need to accept it and let it go, for now. The two of you had a rocky relationship anyway with all the back and forth. Maybe she got cold feet.

Right, but I don't think I really 'bailed'. I never wanted out of the relationship. I just got confused but then I knew what I really wanted. But I guess it was too late.

I would have left. The whole, I'm ready, not ready, would just frustrate me and it'd be a waste of my time.

Sarah

Well, it wasn't the cold feet that caused her to end it, it was the other things I said, mostly how I was really depressed and didn't see a point in life, and that I felt smothered.

So for what its worth, just basic feelings of cold feet don't always push the girl away. She was willing to accept that, until I told her the other stuff.

Well cold feet for me is a big factor. Means your unsure about me and having second thought of even having a relationship. It doesn't matter what you say, it's the fact that you aren't willing to jump in. And in addition for you to be telling me that you feel smothered and not seeing the point in life would just confirm my thoughts and I'd be in the end annoyed with dealing with someone with such a negative mentality.

Like they say misery likes company, but I, for one, won't be his.

Sarah

Yeah I guess everyone is different. Even after all that stuff I said she was willing to give me another chance and we were going to therapy. I guess once in therapy, it was just too much for her to handle.

Put yourself in the position she was in and imagine how you would feel if after 5 years you didn't want to move to the next level.

You are right, once trust is broken, it has to be earned back, and I guess she didn't want to go through that long process.

She was willing to stick around and give me time... but when I said I had changed my mind, she didn't think it was possible that I thought enough about it long enough and could change my mind that quickly.

I should have just told her lets postpone it until this date. I didn't. I was so afraid of losing her.

OH well, the past is past. I can't change it although I wish more than anything that I could. I have to learn from this.

I'm in a world of pain right now. I managed to get back together with my ex, whom I was with for 5 years and was even engaged to, after an 8 month breakup. The road to reconciliation was a rocky one, a roller coaster, we were always going back and forth, neither of us could get on the same page as one another, and there was even one point a couple months ago where she said she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I figured it was over for good so I went out and lived my life instead of moping around. Thinking sex with someone else would make me feel better, I had a one night stand with a random girl whose name I don't even remember. Afterwards, I felt awful, it didn't make me feel better, it made me feel worse, and I even felt like I cheated on my ex! I guess that was because I was still very much in love with her.

I didn't sleep with anyone else after that and then eventually my ex and I started talking again and finally about a week ago, we decided we wanted to get back together and make it work. We started sleeping together again as well. Then she started to ask me if I slept with anyone else when we were broken up. I flat out lied to her and said no. She asked again. I lied. Again. I lied again. She said it was only fair because if we were sleeping together she needs to know because she didn't want to get an STD. I lied again.

Finally, one night after making love, she started berating me about it again. Saying she had this feeling that I slept with someone and that sex just felt different to her, like I was performing different or something like that. I lied again and said I hadn't. I figured if I told her the truth she would be pissed and not want to be with me anymore. I was afraid of the consequences. She kept berating me so finally I just came clean. She was very upset and said that I didn't care about her and I disrespected her body. She told me to leave her alone and get out of her life, do not call, email, text, etc. She claimed she was more upset about the lie than the actual act of sleeping with someone else, but I don't buy it. I think I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. Had I been honest from the start, I think she still would have flipped out because we were each other's firsts. We had that special thing and now I feel like because I slept with someone else and she didn't, she probably feels like that special thing is gone and because of that, no longer wants me.

It's been 5 days and I haven't heard from her. I've respected her wishes and haven't bothered it, but it is torturing me. I still love her very much and I wish I hadn't lied. I wish I hadn't had that one night stand. My friends say I should have just kept up the lie and what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Others say I did the right thing by being honest, even though I lied first. They said if I kept up the lie, it would eat me up inside.

Is it really better to be honest about what you did during a breakup if you decide to get back together with an ex? I never asked her what she did, because quite frankly, I didn't care, we were broken up, I didn't want to know, I wanted a fresh start with her. But she seemed to care a lot and just berated me about what I had done. If I had kept up the lie, I'd still be with her. Now, after months of working to get back together, she's gone again and I am miserable. I would do anything to have her back! What advice can anyone out there give me? Did I do the right thing by finally coming clean?

I went back and read over your other threads..

It would seem you have not changed at all,and for her perhaps it was a case of the same old same old...

More heartache.

Maybe she will come back again,and maybe she has just had enough of the relationship for good.

How have I not changed? Obviously I did somewhat or else she might not have been willing to give us another shot. What's in the past is in the past, I really don't see a need to bring up my previous posts from 8 months ago.

I think you should really leave it alone now and take some time to figure out what you really want. Jumping in bed with other people to try to get over someone is a big mistake. You need to decide for yourself if sex is something sacred between you and someone you really love or just something to do to have fun. I wouldn't worry about trying to figure her out or what she's going to do, you have enough to figure out with yourself.

Wow... just because I had a one night stand with someone means I have a ton of problems? People have sex all the time. I wasn't asking if sleeping with someone else was the right thing to do, I was asking if being honest in this case was the right thing to do and what I can do to earn her trust back. I've already realized after the one night stand that I only want to have sex with someone I love, my ex.

You should have told her the truth straight up. At the time of your onenightstand you were broken up so what you did then was your business. But not coming clean the first time she asked you was a mistake and once the trust is gone only she can decide if she wants to try and rebuild it.

amicon, I agree I should have told the truth the first time she asked. I know now that the trust is broken, what can I do though to show her she can trust me again? That was the biggest secret from our time apart, she knows everything now and I don't want to ever lie to her about anything.

Give her time. You can't just do anything right now to make her trust you again.

I guess time is the only answer. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. The holidays. This is my first Christmas without her and I think that makes this 100 times worse. Maybe in a week or two she will have calmed down. Should I wait for her to make contact or should I reach out in a week or two?

I'd say the ball's in her court now.

You should have told her the truth straight up. At the time of your onenightstand you were broken up so what you did then was your business. But not coming clean the first time she asked you was a mistake and once the trust is gone only she can decide if she wants to try and rebuild it.


They're making me spread the love Amicon otherwise you'd have yet another rep point.

You're the first person that actually answered the poster's queston instead of judging him. And I agree with you.

How have I not changed? Obviously I did somewhat or else she might not have been willing to give us another shot. What's in the past is in the past, I really don't see a need to bring up my previous posts from 8 months ago.


Its not about the posts,it the whole story that has to be taken into consideration because the same lady was involved,if this was a different woman, my advice would have been different.

Think back over the past year,to the first breakup,you could not make a commitment then,and there was a lot of argueing,all I'm saying is the emotional cost of this relationship is running very high...

When she asked you did you sleep with anyone while you were apart,she wanted to know for health reasons, and you lied.. I understand you were afraid to hurt her,but is was a prettty serious lie... she was concerned about sti's/her health,and well when you lied it said that you were not.

There seems to be no middle ground in the relationship,its all high or all lows, and relationships can't survive the yo yo emotions all the time..

Which is why if she decided to give me another chance, it would be the final chance, and I would propose to her again, knowing full well I want to make the commitment this time around and end the "emotional yo yo"

I, too, went back and read your previous posts to see if there was more information that might have contributed to her decision. (July was 5 months ago. Unless you have, also, forgotten the name of the co-worker and the other girl you were going to try dating.)

You feel guilty after the one one-night stand. It affects how you perform in bed with your girlfriend (when you get back together), because you are still feeling the guilt. She was essentially asking what was wrong trying to figure out if it was her or you who had changed. She works it out that you are the one who was acting differently. She asks about it. You lie. You could have said anything else, but you chose to lie. You could have said that it was in the past and you had been tested for stds (I hope) and that even though you don't want to talk about it, it made you realize how much you want only her. But you lied.

Your past does make a difference because the lie continues the pattern of you saying things (like feeling smothered or pressured into proposing) then saying that you didn't really feel that way (which does she take as the truth? She has to make that decision). For her, it is as though she can't trust that you will tell her the truth. That you will say one thing and keep changing it to suit your needs.

Now, you are playing the 'what if' or 'even if' game. Putting the blame for lying on her because if you had told the truth from the beginning then you 'know' she would have been upset about the sex with an unknown woman (destroying something special you shared. I think that is part of your guilt, too). You showed that you didn't trust her with the truth. You didn't trust her to understand that things happen when people are broken up or to work through it with you.

'Coming clean' is probably the only thing you did do right. You just shouldn't have put yourself in the position where you had to 'come clean'. Being honest from the start and not rushing relationships might be two lessons from this that you want to take forward with you.

(July was 5 months ago. Unless you have, also, forgotten the name of the co-worker and the other girl you were going to try dating.)




I don't see how either of those things are relevant to this. I thought the relationship was over and was trying to get on with my life, there was nothing wrong in going on dates with someone new. I broke it off with the girl I went on dates with because I started talking to my ex again and realized I loved her and only wanted to be with. And nothing ever happened with my co-worker except that we rarely talk and it is awkward at work every day. Also, I know July is 5 months ago, but me and my ex broke up in April, so 8 months is correct. I don't understand why you bring up 5 months.

But besides that, you do offer good advice and I thank you for it. Whatever happens from here on in, whether she comes back or not, I know to just always be honest, no matter how scared I am of the consequences of the truth. It's obviously better than being caught in a lie. Telling the truth doesn't damage trust, lying does. I've been pretty good at that and I really want to work hard to never lie again.

Ok, I'd like to know why my two questions were merged. I don't think that is really fair and I'd like to know why it was done.

That's good you make that promise, now you have to keep it.

After merging your posts, and rereading the whole thing, we all see a pattern that broke you up in the first place, and now you have done it again, with your second chance.

That my friend is why past posts, with the same person, are so important, and since you didn't correct your past mistakes, you repeated them.

I can understand her hesitating to ever trust you again, and even the extent that you downplay your actions and her reactions, they were big enough to put her on full alert to anything you say whether your telling the truth, or not.

I don't see this working without honest communications, and you blew that twice already.

Do you really think you deserve another chance to blow it again?? Not by my thinking you won't, and I can bet, not by hers either because you have clearly shown, you have not changed as you said you have.

Your actions, and words just don't match. Really work on that, as its more important than another chance with her.

Why do I feel like I'm just being attacked and judged by people on here? No body is perfect and I know I made some mistakes. I was just looking for advice on how to deal with the current situation. None of you actually know my ex, I have broken her trust before and she has forgiven me. This time might be no different, or it could be, who knows. All I know is that I was willing to finally committ. Even though I had the problem with lying, I knew that I wanted to be with her for good this time and I felt as if the truth of what I did when we were broken up would ruin that.

It was none of her business what I did when we were broken up. I don't get how people think when you are broken up, everything you did you must tell the ex, that is a load of crap. It's NONE OF HER BUSINESS. But the bottom line is, she kept asking, so I should have been honest, even though she had no right to ask and it was none of her business. I didn't ask her the same questions because I didn't care what she did when we were apart and it was none of my business.

Ok, I'd like to know why my two questions were merged. I don't think that is really fair and I'd like to know why it was done.

Just like in your posts all the facts are not present. Its important for good advice, and input from others, to see all the facts of your story, not just the ones you want to see, and not disclosing the previous facts to us, is unfair to all those who chose to answer your questions, and give opinions. That's why the two posts were merged for the whole story, which whether you agree or not, is absolutely relevant, and shows us all you have made the same mistake twice now with the same person. You really need to see that, to get beyond whatever reason you had for lying to someone you say you care about.

So are you saying if you care about someone you can never lie to them? I don't necessarily agree. Was lying wrong in my case? Yes, it probably was. But I knew she would still get mad at the truth if I told her right away. I thought I was protecting her. I didn't want to hurt her. But getting caught in the lie probably caused more pain for her than if I was honest from the start. I feel if I was honest from the start, the chances of her getting past that would have been 100 times better than her chances of getting beyond this current situation.

I also feel like she tricked me into telling the truth. She said "If you want this relationship to work, you have to tell me now!" As soon as I told her, she told me to get out. I'd say she tricked me. Still doesn't justify my behavior, but I don't think that was fair on her part. She made me believe we'd still have something if I came clean.

Why do I feel like I'm just being attacked and judged by people on here? No body is perfect and I know I made some mistakes. I was just looking for advice on how to deal with the current situation. None of you actually know my ex, I have broken her trust before and she has forgiven me. This time might be no different, or it could be, who knows. All I know is that I was willing to finally commit. Even though I had the problem with lying, I knew that I wanted to be with her for good this time and I felt as if the truth of what I did when we were broken up would ruin that.

It was none of her business what I did when we were broken up. I don't get how people think when you are broken up, everything you did you must tell the ex, that is a load of crap. It's NONE OF HER BUSINESS. But the bottom line is, she kept asking, so I should have been honest, even though she had no right to ask and it was none of her business. I didn't ask her the same questions because I didn't care what she did when we were apart and it was none of my business.

Do you really expect her to forgive, and forget, yet again, just because you say your ready? Do you really believe that what you did when broken up was none of her business?

Guy without honest communications, and TRUST, you have no relationship, and minimizing her feelings, like you don't care, or think they don't count, is exactly why she may never trust, or forgive you.

I am not judging you, but giving you the straight up honest truth, and so is everyone else. If you don't want the truth, what are you looking for??

You can't commit to anyone until you can commit to the truth, and honesty. It matters to her, so it should matter greatly to you.

Ok, so how is what I do when we are broken up any of her business? We were broken up, we weren't together. I have no obligation to tell her anything unless she asks. If she didn't ask at all, do you really think I was supposed to just tell her every little thing I did when we were broken up? What's the point of that? She didn't tell me what she did and that's because I didn't ask.

I don't see how either of those things are relevant to this.

The reason I brought those up is because they are a part of your full story. From what you had written in the current question, it sounded like the only time you went out (with someone other than your ex) was the one night stand and other than that you were trying to get back with your ex. It also shows that you were not allowing yourself to work through one relationship (At least, not after July) before attempting a new one even with the ex.

I am concerned that you may allow alcohol to cloud your judgment when you are with women you find attractive and even if only heavy petting occurs you end up feeling bad/guilty. That feeling of 'guilt' is part of not being ready to move on. Yes, you weren't together, however, your mind seems to have felt differently.

I don't know what will happen with your ex. If you have a history of depression, all I can say is that you need to do things differently this Holiday Season (including New Year, etc.) to keep yourself from spiraling downward and making bad choices. Keep yourself busy with family, friends, and anything that helps you feel better about yourself. Just don't sit at home thinking about the past.

[quote by Cristoforo; So are you saying if you care about someone you can never lie to them? I don't necessarily agree.
People can handle the truth better than a lie, and the truth goes along way toward your credibility with her which for now is completely shot!

Was lying wrong in my case? Yes, it probably was. But I knew she would still get mad at the truth if I told her right away.
A big difference between paying the consequences of your actions based on the truth, than lying. Lying means there is something your hiding, or some selfish motives to avoid consequences.

I thought I was protecting her. I didn't want to hurt her. But getting caught in the lie probably caused more pain for her than if I was honest from the start.
Yes it surely did.


I feel if I was honest from the start, the chances of her getting past that would have been 100 times better than her chances of getting beyond this current situation.

Its easier dealing with the truth, whatever it is, than dealing with a lie on top of it.

I also feel like she tricked me into telling the truth. She said "If you want this relationship to work, you have to tell me now!" As soon as I told her, she told me to get out.
She didn't trick you, you just didn't get the get out of jail free card that you expected.


I'd say she tricked me. Still doesn't justify my behavior, but I don't think that was fair on her part. She made me believe we'd still have something if I came clean.

There you go again, talking about what's fair. You have a selfish narrow view of what's fair. As long as it serves you its fair. When its about the truth, its not. Just like you feel its none of her business what you did while you were broken up, and don't care what she did during the same time. That's not fair, to say you care about someone but don't show it with the truth.

Thats all you have to do is be honest about your own actions. No matter the consequences.

Ok, so how is what I do when we are broken up any of her business? We were broken up, we weren't together. I have no obligation to tell her anything unless she asks. If she didn't ask at all, do you really think I was supposed to just tell her every little thing I did when we were broken up? What's the point of that? She didn't tell me what she did and that's because I didn't ask.

She asked because it meant something to her. So you did have an obligation to be honest.

She would have the same obligation had you asked her.

Cristoforo you're right, they are two different questions and I don't necessarily agree with questions always being merged either. But I'm not the moderator and I feel they do a rather fine job here.

BUT… the history and facts are important and this is where I agree with the Tal-man. Your previous posts indicate you have a history of lying to your EX girlfriend. It's not like you betrayed her trust once… buddy you've got more strikes than the Bad News Bears.

She asked you if you had sex when you were broken up. Instead of stating to her, like you told us, “It's none of her business.” you lied yet again, and again, and again. You should have communicated to her either yes you did or explain that you don't care to share that information as you two are starting fresh then attempt to understand what she needs to feel comfortable once again.

I don't want to judge you… but putting myself in her shoes, you're a liar. Granted telling her you slept with another while broken up would have hurt her feelings she would have let this go. Seeing as lying has been a habitual issue and cause for past breaks I would hope you would see the error in your ways.

You can apologize and tell her how you feel. After that I'd probably disappear and let her make her decision.

You're right. I'm trying anything to make myself feel better and that includes trying to make it seem like she did something wrong. I know that's wrong of me. I just feel like a terrible person for what I've done. I never want to lie to anybody ever again.

Another question I have is, had I told the truth from the beginning, do you think she would have reacted differently? I can't help but play the "what if" scenario in my head. She said she wanted a fresh start and to forget about the past, so I'm wondering if she would have gotten past the fact I slept with someone else. I don't see it as being a legitimate reason for not wanting to get back together, since we were broken up and I was single, but you never know with women, especially my ex. That was my fear and that's why I lied. I figured the truth would push her away for good. Stupid thinking on my part.

Don't worry about the "what if's" now. What's done is done. Your energy is better spent on reasoning with yourself as to why you do these things and how to become a better person.

Well then I am going to try to correct the past mistakes and work on not lying. I just always have to remember, no matter how much the truth may hurt someone, it is way better than the truth coming out after you've repeatedly lied about it.

UPDATE:

I spoke to my ex last night. She told me that she will never forgive me or forget what I did. She says its over because I lied. She said that she will never trust me again and never want to be with me again.

She says it was the lie, but then says she can't get over the fact that her and I had unprotected sex numerous times after I had slept with someone else. Here's where I get confused and maybe someone can shed light on this.

My one night stand happened in July, shortly after, my ex and I started sleeping together, even though we weren't back together. She didn't ask me if I had been with anyone else until last month, which I lied about, and after which we had unprotected sex once.

So my question is, was I supposed to disclose to her that I had slept with someone one time even though she didn't ask? When we started having sex again, was I suppose to tell her about my one night stand?

I can understand if I had been sleeping around like crazy, but I had sex one time with one person and I used a condom, I didn't know that I was just supposed to voluntarily tell my ex about if even if she didn't ask. She started asking last month, I lied about it, and we had sex once after that.

I know it probably sounds like I'm making excuses, but I just don't know what else to do. I'm so heartbroken right now and I don't really know how to make this situation better. I've realized that there is nothing I can do at this point to change anything. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.

I can't ease your pain, but I can tell you that standing for yourself by telling the truth, even though she might have dumped you any way, was the better way to go. There are always consequences of our actions, or blessing when we do the right things.

If you can't pay the consequences, don't do the actions. It simple, so the lesson to be learned is think before you act.

Your thoroughly heartbroken now, but you will heal, we all do eventually, and the confusion, misery, and pain will be in the past. You just need time to get over this set back. Then you can celebrate your freedom, and enjoy your life.

You were broken up so I don't think you had to tell her. And the onenightstand wasn't unprotected sex so it was highly unlikely that you'd be passing on an STD.
It's the lying,as you have realised,that got to her and as you said you've made your bed.
All you can do now is heal from the breakup and move on with your life.

She claims it's the lying, but then says she can't get over that I slept with her NUMEROUS times after sleeping with someone else, even though she DIDN'T ASK. After I lied, we had sex once. So which is she more upset about, the lie, or the actually act, she doesn't seem to make it clear.

Probably both, but what ever reason she had would have had the same results, she was going to dump you if you had been unfaithful, and likely had you told the truth. That's why she asked in the first place.

Wait... I was never unfaithful. We were broken up when I slept with someone else. What makes you think I was unfaithful? She told me last night had I been honest from the start she wouldn't have reacted the way she did

She claims its the lying, but then says she can't get over that I slept with her NUMEROUS times after sleeping with someone else, even though she DIDN'T ASK. After I lied, we had sex once. So which is she more upset about, the lie, or the actually act, she doesn't seem to make it clear.

The lying. The sex is just added on top of the other. For her, they are in some ways intertwined. You know you had 'protected' sex. She knows that you didn't mention anything about the encounter and lied when asked. She doesn't know if she should trust anything else you say about that event. As far as she knows, you could be lying about having used protection in another attempt to keep yourself out of trouble.

I am curious if you told her about the co-worker and the very brief relationship you got out of to try again with her? If those did come up in discussions, but the one-night stand didn't, then there may be another facet of the problem. The difference between "Did you see anyone while we were broken up?" versus "Did you have sex with anyone while we were broken up?"

I am going to go against the grain here. I don't think he should have told her what he did during the break up. They were broken up, it was protected so in reality there were no risks, therefore no reason to disclose that information to her. I have seen countless threads on this, and everyone usually goes with the not telling side, now the change. I understand the lie, normally I can't stand liars, but this one, I can see why. She really had no right to know this.

It's like I don't know who to believe or what I should have done. I had PROTECTED sex with one person, one time during our BREAKUP. Was I supposed to call my ex up minutes after that happened and tell her what I did. When we started having sex again, my ex didn't ask about it right away. It wasn't until months later that she asked. There was really no risk to her health whether she thinks there was or not. Should I have told her when she asked, YES. But she can't get angry at me for sleeping with her after I slept with someone else, when she didn't even ask about it. She has every right to be upset about the lie, but no right to be upset with the fact that I slept with her after I slept with someone else one time and with whom I used PROTECTION with.

Personally, I would tell the truth just because I wouldn't have cared what she did with the info.

If she can't handle the truth of the matter, that's her problem.

Once I leave, I disappear, and move on. You have to learn one way or another there is a price to pay for impulsive, not very well thought out actions.

Where I think you Cristoforo, have made an oversight, is back when you were having cold feet about getting married, and changed your mind again, after a few days of reflection. That's when she started to not believe in you any longer, and it just snowballed from there, and gathered enough doubts to make it really hard to survive afterward.

But your in shock, and hurt, and can only remember the most recent events. That's normal, as it will come together for you later, as seldom does one thing break a couple up. Its usually a series of things that have happened.

I understand the lie, normally I can't stand liars, but this one, I can see why. She really had no right to know this.

The problem this time is that he has a history of telling her one thing then changing what he said. It is a symptom of greater problems in this relationship than who he did or didn't sleep with while they were broken up.

It's like I don't know who to believe or what I should have done. I had PROTECTED sex with one person, one time during our BREAKUP. Was I supposed to call my ex up minutes after that happened and tell her what I did. When we started having sex again, my ex didn't ask about it right away. It wasn't until months later that she asked. There was really no risk to her health whether she thinks there was or not. Should I have told her when she asked, YES. But she can't get angry at me for sleeping with her after I slept with someone else, when she didn't even ask about it. She has every right to be upset about the lie, but no right to be upset with the fact that I slept with her after I slept with someone else one time and with whom I used PROTECTION with.

DUDE!! Get over the sex part. We got it... you got laid. You were broken up. The problem is YOU LIED.

Say it again... YOU LIED TO HER. You handled it wrong, you lied again and again.

DUDE!!! Get over the sex part. We got it... you got laid. You were broken up. The problem is YOU LIED.

Say it again... YOU LIED TO HER. You handled it wrong, you lied again and again.


I am over the sex part. My question is, should I have told my ex about my one night fling before her and I started sleeping together again, even if she didn't ask? I ask because my ex seems to be upset about two major things, 1. That I repeatedly lied to her, and 2. That I slept with her numerous after I slept with someone else, putting her health at risk because of possible STDs. Now, when my ex and I started sleeping together again, after I'd slept with the other person, my ex wasn't asking me if I slept with anyone. It wasn't until recently that she started to ask, and I started to lie about it.

Even if I had been honest from the start, she would have still be enraged that I slept with someone else and then her. So I am thinking that the result would have been the same even if I told the truth the first time she asked. But should I have told her about the one night stand even if she didn't ask? Did she have a right to know that I slept with one person during out breakup?

I could understand if I was going around sleeping with dozens of women without protection, then I feel like my ex should know about that before I sleep with her again. However, it was a one time thing, and protection was used, so did my ex have a right to know about it even if she didn't ask? That's my main question right now. I know that I shouldn't have lied to her when she asked me, but should I have told her even if she never posed the question.

Also, isn't it a little bit over the top for her to be so angry that I slept with someone else then I slept with her? I mean, we were broken up, it was a one time thing, and honestly, there was really no threat to her health. I understand her being mad at the lying, but for her to be enraged because I slept with one other person, then later on I slept with her, is kind of ridiculous.

I probably wouldn't have brought it up myself, but the fact is, she did, and you lied about it. Given what had gone on before, this was but a final insult, and hardly the reason for the way she acts now. Its to bad that you focus on one incident, when it was a series of them that explains her feelings, and actions.

So don't trip over this one thing, she had doubts and fears before, and you only confirmed them to her.

Remember you were on the rocks, and broken up, when this happened. So this last incident hardly renewed faith, or confidence to this relationship. That's the way it goes sometimes, when its going bad, its just one thing after another.

Right, but what I'm saying is... if I had told the truth from the start, would she still have a right to be mad and me and think I did something awful by sleeping with someone, then later sleeping with her? She has it in her head that I did something awful by sleeping with another, then sleeping with her, like I was going to give her an STD or something like that.

You say you wouldn't have brought it up yourself, so it leads me to believe that it is something that if she hadn't asked about it, I shouldn't have said a word. But when she asked and had I told the truth, she still would have been angry.

So I find it hard to believe her when she told me if I had been honest from the start, she wouldn't have reacted that way. If I had been honest from the start, she still would have been mad that I slept with someone else, and then her. And had I been honest from the moment she asked, wouldn't you think it would be unreasonable of her to be upset?

It is these damned if you do, damned if you don't situations that lead me to lie, I know I need to stop that thinking, but with her, I really don't think honesty would have helped, as she would have been disgusted with the fact I slept with someone once, then with her.

Your probably right, but don't try and justify your bad behavior. Your lie was but more stuff in the game, that lead to this , so what's your point in making this a big deal? Your relationship was over when she gave your ring back. The rest is fallout from those choices, and actions, you both made.

I mean, so what if she was disgusted you slept with some one else, while you were broken up. That was one lousy nail in an already sealed coffin, and not the bigger issue at all.

The issue you pay attention to is what started the break up, and your part in that. Just go back to the second paragraph in your OP.

Of course all you see is the last thing that happened, and are stuck on it, but as you get through the drama, it will be apparent that other mistakes were made months ago that doomed this relationship.

Its not unusual to keep recycling the last thing you went through, but you do need to stop, and let the entire tape play. That means start at the beginning of this saga, and see what we all see, objectively.

Well honestly, the reason I don't look back and play the whole tape is because 3 weeks ago, she was willing to forget all that. She said she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me and make it work and focus on the future. I had a clean slate and I screwed it up. So naturally, I can't help but focus on the event that just occurred after I got my clean slate and had the opportunity to be with her and try to make it work. And it really wasn't like I showed her so much in 9 months that made her think I changed completely, she was willing to make it work and give it another shot regardless of whether she thought I drastically changed or not. How could I not replay the final events. What purpose does looking back on everything serve?

My one night stand happened in July, shortly after, my ex and I started sleeping together, even though we weren't back together. She didn't ask me if I had been with anyone else until last month, which I lied about, and after which we had unprotected sex once.

I was re-reading the thread and this jumped out at me. Your one night stand happened AFTER you started having sex with your ex again even though you weren't 'back together'. (I misread this the first couple of times and thought the one night stand was before you started having sex with your ex again.) Why should she think to ask if you were having intercourse with someone other than her AFTER you started having sex with her again? She probably does feel a bit betrayed by the 'sex' as well as the lies.

Look at it from the viewpoint that you are having sex with her while trying to get your relationship started again, (Isn't that why you broke off seeing that one girl?), you get drunk (or carried away) enough to have sex with a woman whose name you don't know/can't remember, and, then, go back to having sex with her as though nothing happened. If I were in her shoes, I would be concerned that you would do it again especially after you lied.

Think back to when you started trying to work things out with her in July. Did you have any expectations that she was only seeing you at that time? Did she have any expectations that you were only seeing her at that time?

But guy, you have to see that past mistakes is what caused this whole thing, and given another chance, a look back, and making a better choice would have allowed you to avoid this mess.

Impulsive bad behavior is what doomed you, and all you did was kept repeating that again, and again, even after you had a clean slate.

Maybe it doesn't matter to many what someone does during the so-called break, but it does show something about the person, (both of you actually) as to what they did during it.

Maybe its none of her business, but it does create an imagine of you that has to be dealt with. And she did.

Seeing the whole picture, and not just part of it, is where you find reality.

That's your reality, the choices you have made. You don't get to skip over some of them, because as you see they are repeated, and bite you again.

I was re-reading the thread and this jumped out at me. Your one night stand happened AFTER you started having sex with your ex again even though you weren't 'back together'. (I misread this the first couple of times and thought the one night stand was before you started having sex with your ex again.) Why should she think to ask if you were having intercourse with someone other than her AFTER you started having sex with her again? She probably does feel a bit betrayed by the 'sex' as well as the lies.

Look at it from the viewpoint that you are having sex with her while trying to get your relationship started again, (Isn't that why you broke off seeing that one girl?), you get drunk (or carried away) enough to have sex with a woman whose name you don't know/can't remember, and, then, go back to having sex with her as though nothing happened. If I were in her shoes, I would be concerned that you would do it again especially after you lied.

Think back to when you started trying to work things out with her in July. Did you have any expectations that she was only seeing you at that time? Did she have any expectations that you were only seeing her at that time?


I'm not sure where I said it, but I am pretty sure the one night stand happened BEFORE I started sleeping with my ex again. If I said otherwise, please point out where I said that. But these details don't even matter anymore. What matters is that I lied and the lies destroyed the relationship. Regardless of what any of you think, I truly and deeply love my ex. The only thing I ever did to hurt her was lie to her. I know you say if you aren't honest, it isn't love, but I don't think that is always true. Lying is wrong, but just because you do it, doesn't mean you don't really love the person. Now she won't even speak to me and doesn't seem to want me in her life at all, even after she said in the past that even if we never got back together, she couldn't see me not being in her life.

There's nothing more I can do except just deal with the situation and begin to heal. I've thought about calling her since we spoke a week ago, especially with the holidays and everything, but I figured that it wouldn't help anything and it would only cause me more pain. What really hurts is that someone can just cut you out of their life just like that. I feel like the last 5 years meant nothing to her. I don't understand how it is so easy for her to shut off her feelings and just lock me out. I know I don't really deserve another chance, but for her to never want to speak to me or ever see me again is very hurtful.

I asked her for forgiveness but she says she will never forgive or forget. I don't understand. If I were in her shoes, I would find it in my heart to forgive her. I'm not even asking for her to come back and be with me, I just want her to forgive me for what I did and stop viewing me as a bad person. I just don't know how someone can so easily throw away the last 5 years of their life. I feel like the last 5 years were nothing but a waste at this point. Since none of you actually know me or truly know the relationship I had, besides those lies, I was very good to her and I treated her like a princess and did anything I could for her. The only time I ever hurt her was when I wasn't honest.

I'm still in love with her and my biggest fear is that I will never find that feeling again, the kind of feeling I felt with my ex. That feeling of comfort, love, and friendship. Even though I ended up betraying her with my lies, I still never fell out of love with her. She was my best friend, and I thought she was my soul mate. Now I feel like I'll never find that again and even if I do, I will just screw it up again like I did this time.

Its your post 45 if you're interested and the way you put your commas, I'd read it as the one nightstand came first.
But as you said it doesn't matter.
You need to start healing now, and so does she,so stay NC and learn from your mistakes as she should from hers.
You will be a better partner for your next girl.
And don't worry, there will be a next one.
Take care.
.

You will feel different after you heal, and be able to see more than just your own feelings. The wounds are still open and fresh.

Post analysis can be draining, both emotionally and mentally. We're all guilty of looking back and trying to figure out what we did wrong, what we could've done differently, etc. Trust is a big thing with a lot of people. If having sex with someone else while you were broken up wasn't such a big deal, then you should've been able to be upfront with her and say "yes" when she asked. It sounds like she already knew you had sex with someone else during the breakup and she was "testing" you... but I may be wrong. Like you said, what's done is done though.

If you haven't already, apologize for lying and leave the ball in her court per say. Own up to everything, don't mix an attack ("it's not that big of a deal, you should forgive me") with asking for forgiveness. Say you're sorry for lying (the sex part doesn't matter), and respect her wishes of no contact from that point. There really isn't anything you can do in the meantime except try living your life. Work on learning from your past mistakes and continue seeing a therapist about your depression (if you're still feeling depressed). You may think she should forgive you and move on, but you aren't her and you can't force her to feel a certain way about something. She either accepts it and tries to work on things, or she doesn't. It's better than her forcing herself to get back together with you and bringing the whole lie thing up over and over again in an arguments.

Yeah, I actually sent her a letter just saying how sorry I was and that I never meant to hurt her. After I sent the letter, I found out my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer (another reason this Holiday season has been the worst of my life). So I reached out to her and she was there to talk about it as a friend. I made the mistake of bringing up what happened between us, which is when she told me what I posted a few days ago as an update. I told her about the letter and that I was sorry. I was selfish and wanted to talk about me and her instead of my father.

I know now that I have apologized to her. She says she can't forgive me and will never want to be with me again because she can never trust me. I need to accept that, go NC, and heal, and put my father first and worry about him. It just sucks when over the holidays, which are supposed to be a happy time, you get hit with two things that suck, a breakup, and the news that your father has cancer. This has been the worst month of my life and I just really hope it will get better soon.

Im sorry about your father I hope its treatable. Sometimes life sucks.

They caught it early so he should be fine after surgery. It just sucks that he has to go through that... and I need to be there for him but its harder than it normally would be because I am also dealing with my breakup.

Relationships come and go but you only have one father. I can understand how emotionally taxing it is during this period. Concentrate on being with your Dad and worry about the other stuff later. It's nice to have a shoulder to cry on but you need to be able to go through this on your own. Sometimes we get tests in life, and this might be one for you

You can handle it-the fact that you're helping somebody else will help you heal.

Well here is my take on this. Sorry I'm late. I have read everything and I will take my time giving you good advice. At least well thought advice. Number one... You should have never said anything.about who you slept with. You should have said that the two of you were broken up and it is irrelevant at this point. You won't ask of her past and she shouldn't either. If she doesn't agree then she needs growing up. She shouldn't be someone you look forward to marrying. If you couldn't get her to stop and she kept nagging then tell the truth. So number one is to not say anything but if she continues and degrades herslef then give her the truth and be in peace. Either way it's too late.

Number Two, you can't forget about yourself here and YOUR instincts. Something told you early on that marrying her isn't the best idea. That is your mind telling you something. I know you are sad about all this and her being away makes you want her but don't disregard the truth. The truth is something in you was setting alarms about her. You somehow knew deep down that there is something wrong. There's a reason for that. You will find someone where those feelings will not arise.

Thirdly, those lies are not huge. If you lied about having a kid in india then sure. Or That all these years you didn't really love her or that you had AIDS for 2 years. Now she should realize that your lie can be common as you simply wanted to protect her and communication could have fixed that. She could have said please don't lie again. At least a warning before breaking up. What I am saying is that she is giving up too easily. She is not as in it as you are. She doesn't love you the same.
At one point you were afraid and at this point she gives up easily and keeps asking of your past almost as if she wants there to be something wrong. The answer is simple. Your relationship is disfunctional. There are infinity "what ifs" scenarios. The two of you just don't have what it takes for it to last forever. You both have issues, not just you.

The problem here is that her issues get to you (hence thinking twice about marriage) and your problems get to her (hence wanting to be away from you). Some things are not meant to be. Don't stress it too much. She isn't the one for you. You learned a few things nonetheless and you will be better next time. Why did she decide to return after 8 months? Something else to think of. But why? Better yourself and leave her alone. You both need growing up. You are in a better position because you have us. Youwill be fine. Hang in there. If you did it once, you can do it again. I went through the same thing my friend. Be strong!

emopunk7, thank you for your good advice. While I appreciated everyone else's advice, yours was the first that actually pointed out that she had issues too, and that the end of this relationship wasn't just all my fault.

She had issues too, part of the reason I got cold feet a year ago was because some of these issues she had and some things I didn't like. I had issues too, we could never resolve our issues and we fought all the time. We got into a huge fight the weekend we got engaged and she almost called of the wedding then. We got in another huge fight the day after the engagement party and she wanted to call it off then too. Many times we got in fights she threatened to call off the wedding.

The fact that we didn't get a long and sometimes I didn't like the way she treated me led me to these feelings of cold feet. It wasn't all my fault that we didn't work out the first time. I guess I failed to mention the issues that she had in my original posts.

Now that we are broken up again, you want to focus on all the good moments you had and forget about the bad. That's what I am doing, because when we did have good times and when we did get along, it was wonderful. However, the more time that passes, the more you see that there were a lot of bad moments too, and they might have outweighed the good in the end.

And I know that my recent actions led to the second breakup, but maybe I subconsciously didn't want to be in the relationship. Maybe that is why during the reconciliation process my feelings were all over the map and my ex and I couldn't get on the same page.

It's still hard right now because I want to focus on all the good and block out the bad. But maybe this was supposed to happen and that everything happens for a reason. It's going to be tough for a while, but hopefully I will start to feel better.

Threads merged and edited.

Today marks the two week period of NC with my ex. This is the longest I have ever been NC with her. When we broke up before, she was contacting me just days later. As we tried to reconcile over the past two months, we got in fights where she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore, but within a week she would be calling me. After our latest blowup, I had gone a week and no contact from her. Then I spoke to her on the phone two weeks ago in which she told me she can't forgive me and will never trust me again.

Since that conversation, it has been two long weeks in which I haven't heard a peep from her. No Merry Christmas text message, no Happy New Year text message, no email, no calls, nothing. I realize that NC is probably for the best and that it is the only way I am going to move on, but what hurts the most is thinking that they no longer care about you at all, that you no longer cross their mind, that the past 5 years we spent together meant absolutely nothing. It hurts to think they don't give a damn.

My ex always told me that even if we didn't end up together, she would want me in her life somehow. Now it seems she is content with cutting me completely out of her life. I honestly don't think what I did was harsh enough for her to never want to speak to me or talk to me ever again, or to never forgive me one day. I really have the urge to make contact with her, but I know that will probably get me nowhere. I just didn't think NC would be this hard.

But my main question is, if they don't contact you, does it truly mean they no longer care about you anymore and that all the years you spent with them now means nothing? Is it that easy for someone to turn off their feelings like that? Or do you think that she still does care about me, but like me, she feels she needs to move on as well, and therefore doesn't see the purpose of contact? Should I ever try to make contact with her or just stick to NC?

No Contact is probably one of the most difficult challenges a person can face, in my opinion. I can guarantee that she still thinks about you just as much as you think about her; she might not act like it, she might lie to her friends and family about it, but she does.

That's not what you should be worried about right now, though. No Contact is a blessing in disguise; it seems so hard at first, and it hurts to think those negative thoughts. Eventually, though, you'll come to realize the healing power behind it.

NC is for a broken heart what peroxide is for an open wound - it burns a lot at first, and the deeper the cut the more it hurts; however, once the pain subsides, the wound heals cleaner and faster ;)

~ Tee

PS - To answer your question directly, no, NC doesn't mean she now hates you; she's just trying to heal her own wounds, and you should do the same.

I guess she was hurt more than you know, but her not contacting you is not about you, but her doing what she has to do, to heal, just like you should be doing.

That you minimize her hurt, and can't understand her feelings, is probably a sign you should be paying attention too.

No, I'm not trying to minimize her hurt. I can understand what she is feeling. I guess I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and say that if I were her, I wouldn't cut her out of my life and never speak to her again, and I would forgive her at some point.

But I know she is hurt and has every right to be. She is dealing with that the way that she needs to... and I should do the same. I've never dealt with NC to this extent before with her, so that is why it is so hard right now. But I suppose there is no other option. It has only been two weeks of NC, I'm sure that is nothing compared to the NC that others have done. I just need to be strong and try to get through this as best I can. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll try to reach out to her, or maybe not.

I am 3 months now into NC with a girl I very much love/loved. It is a hard thing and probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I get sad as I'm sure you will. She hasn't contacted me either. The way your ex left and mine just makes us feel so guulty like what we did was so wrong. In my case, all I did was what she did to me. I thought I'd teach her a lesson for once. It didn't work. Even though I forgave her many times, the one time I did it to her only because she did it to me, she broke it off and gave up. Its what I should have done. But breaking it off and teaching a lesson both seemed wrong. I just thought I'd go with the least drastic but both would have the same outcome. A finished relationship.

No, I'm not trying to minimize her hurt. I can understand what she is feeling. I guess I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and say that if I were her, I wouldn't cut her out of my life and never speak to her again, and I would forgive her at some point.

I just need to be strong and try to get through this as best I can. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll try to reach out to her, or maybe not.

In a way this is trivializing her hurt. You say that you can understand how she feels, but then you go to say what you would or wouldn't do as though that is what she should be doing. She has to do what is right FOR HER.

She has tried 'your' way in the past and has been in a cycle of hope and hurt. She is trying to do something different this time. Actually giving herself time and space to heal. Do the same for yourself.

Don't try to force the healing or put artificial time limits on it. Telling yourself that you will make it through today, tomorrow, next week... is one thing. Setting a time to try to get in touch with her (even as a maybe) is giving yourself false hope that you (and/or she) will have gotten rid of all the baggage by then. Most cases I have seen that try to set that type of limit are still holding on to a thread of belief that the other person is still coming back. They haven't truly faced the reality of the other person having moved on.

Allow yourself to heal at a natural pace. Yes, there will be ups and downs. It won't be easy, but, in the end, you will be stronger and better able to handle your next relationship.

Well, are you saying I should never try contacting her? I know that its over and she most likely isn't coming back, but is it such a bad thing to want to reach out to her to see how she is doing? If anything, I'd still like to be friendly with her some day, is that so unreasonable to want that?

Is it so unreasonable to leave her alone, until you have healed, and then revisit that issue of reaching out to her??

No, it's not. I'm just not sure what it means to be fully healed.

I am new her but read this story, a few "outside" looking in thoughts if I might. When you lied,you blew it,end of story. When you thought you could read her mind, you couldn't. When you try and place yourself in her shoes ,you cant. I know you loved her but you actions don't say it, and she felt it. So it ends,go your way and let her go hers. I wouldn't want any reminders of a painful break so let her go and NC. As far as fully healed, that takes a long time sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't. Just my .02 input but I see too many "I" in your post, telling me its about you mostly and not her. It should be a "WE" thing if it is to be at all. Am going through a rebuilding now and it is hard sometimes doing the what if thing. We are doing much better ,the main thing is open,honest communications, from our hearts. No bs at all. That leaves doubt and that builds mistrust. Good help here, open you ears and try some. Good luck. I am not bashing nor do I judge you, not my place. In the end it will be you who makes the choices how you live.

I am committed to the TRUTH from here on in. I know that the truth will set me free and being honest will allow me to have a healthy relationship in the future. I know that lying is no longer an option and I've learned the hard way what lying leads to.

As corny as this may sound, I am seriously considering getting a tattoo of the word 'verita', the Italian word for 'truth' on my upper arm, so it will be a constant reminder that the TRUTH is the only way to go.

Do what you want but I wouldn't recommend that. It will always be a reminder if this girl and this situation. You still have so much to live for. Enjoy your life!

If you really want to get the tattoo, do it somewhere more personal so that it is not in your face every time you remove your shirt.

Well, it's crazy how things happen when you don't expect them to. I was just talking about contacting her and how I feel like she doesn't care anymore because I haven't heard from her. And what do you know...

SHE CALLED. Last night around midnight. I was surprised when I saw the call. When I answered it, she told me that her mother's dog had passed away. She was angry at her mother because apparently, she didn't take the dog to the vet and sort of neglected the fact that she was in pain and dying. She feels the dog should have been put to sleep long before this.

She was concerned because we had a dog together, who she still has. My ex informed me that she is indeed moving to Hawaii in the next week or two and cannot bring the dog with her. She wanted to know if I could take it because she doesn't want her mother to take care of him because of what happened with her dog.

Of course I change the subject to us. I ask if she ever planned on talking to me again. She said she didn't want to talk about it as it was too hard for her to deal with right now. I then ask her, "What were you more upset about, the fact that I lied, or the fact that I slept with someone when we were broken up?" She said "Both". This angered me because the only thing she has a right to be angry about is the fact that I lied, she HAS NO RIGHT to be angry with me for sleeping with someone else WHEN WE WERE BROKEN UP AND NOT TOGETHER. It just made me realize that even if I was honest, the outcome would have been the same. She would have dumped me. Honesty wouldn't have even mattered. It is very irrational of her to expect me not to do anything when we were broken up, and just wait around for her, even after she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I had every right to go out and live my life. I shouldn't have lied, but I committed no crime by being with someone else when we were broken up. For her to see it that way just proves she is irrational and just wanted control over me.

I still love her and I am willing to help her out with the dog because I love our dog. I just don't know why she felt the need to call me. Was it just because she needed something? Or did she call because she still cares about me, even though she is hurting badly?

She just wanted the dog taken care of because she is leaving, and doesn't trust her mother.

Amazing how the mind can play tricks on you.

Why did she call? Doesn't this pretty much sum it up for you, "My ex informed me that she is indeed moving to Hawaii in the next week or two and cannot bring the dog with her. She wanted to know if I could take it because she doesn't want her mother to take care of him because of what happened with her dog."?

You're trying to read into everything. False hope just makes it hurt longer.

No, I don't have hope that she wants to come back. I know she doesn't. I just don't understand why she wants to ask me for a favor if just a day ago she was content with never speaking to me again. There are a million other options for getting the dog taken care of. She has other family members. She has a brother. She has friends. She could always give it to someone. But no, she asks me when she knows the place I live in doesn't allow dogs. Why would she resort to calling me first?

Probably because you shared the dog. And how do you know for a fact that she hadn't called other people first?
Go back to NC and restart the healing process.

Yep... million other options. And you analysis every one fooling yourself.

I know it's hard. Try and let it go.

How am I fooling myself? I just said I don't have any hope from this phone call. I know she isn't coming back. However, if I do take care of the dog, that means she will still be involved in my life as she will be checking up on him from time to time.

I know she didn't call anyone else because the dog died around midnight and she called me as she was on her way to her mom's. If she truly hated me, she wouldn't have even thought of calling me.

I'm not saying the call means that she wants me back. She confirmed that she doesn't. All I'm saying is the fact that she called me means she still cares about me somewhat, otherwise, she wouldn't trust me with taking the dog from her.

Please read important information below!

Hey Cristoforo... Ok... So maybe she doesn't hate you. Why would she totally hate you when you both did have good times at once. Bottom line is she still doesn't want a relationship with you. I know her calling you hurts and plays with your mind especially when she calls and you think she mind be changing her mind. You are over thinking and it's pretty normal. She knows a friend wouldn't be too happy to just take that responsibility and she knows you'd do anything. She is desperate to get rid of the dog and WHY NOT HER EX BOYFRIEND? She is leaving you with the dirty work even after you broke up and you agree with taking care of the dog? Time to man up. She is oh so clever. And maybe her mom just doesn't want to take care of the dog. Lots of things to think about. Bottom line is she is leaving you with the dirty work. Plain and simple even though you don't see it. Stay strong. We are here for you!

I will try to stay strong. So are you saying I shouldn't do her the favor of taking the dog? I can't have dogs at my place but my parents said they would take care of him.

Also, what are your thoughts on her saying that she isn't just mad that I lied, but she is also mad that I slept with someone when we were broken up. Is that really reasonable of her? I don't think it is and I really don't see how anyone can justify that as a reason to end a relationship. Yeah, I lied to her about it, that was the ONLY thing I did wrong.

By being single and going out and enjoying my life and the pleasure of someone else, I did nothing wrong. She asked about it, I lied, that's what I did wrong.

To be honest, I'm kind of mad right now myself. To think that even if I was honest from the start, she would have kicked me to the curb. Ridiculous. She is being irrational. If I would have been honest from the start, she should have had no reason to end the relationship.

If you are broken up with someone, and they sleep with someone when you were broken up that is no reason to end a relationship. If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. And that's how I am feeling right now. If I had been honest and she reacted the same way, it means she really didn't love me enough to make it work. It's not like I cheated on her or did something unforgivable. The only bad thing I did was lie. But that doesn't even matter because she said she is equally angry about both things. Whatever.

If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. Those are your words... exactly right. She can say she is mad that you one day spoke a bit too loud as well and that one time you forgot to open the door. Bottom line is she can say she is mad about one thing or both or lots of things. Bottom line is you tried. She gives up. Sometimes there are no answers and this is one of those situations. Moving on means to just drop it and leave it behind because you know there are no answers but you care about yourself and you know better for next time. I'd say be glad you experienced something good and look forward to something better now. It will come. Take your time being sad... lay down and watch a movie.

If you are broken up with someone, and they sleep with someone when you were broken up that is no reason to end a relationship. If you end a relationship over something like that, It means you really didn't love the person enough. And that's how I am feeling right now.


Maybe that's what you think, but she does NOT, and that's her right to have a different view of things.

If sleeping with someone other than her, is a dealbreaker, whether on a break or not, thats up to her. You can't change what others believe, nor should you try.

What if she had slept with a few guys during the break? How would you have felt? Be honest?

I know I can't change what she believes, but I just think, in my opinion, its kind of ridiculous for that to be a dealbreaker if you really love someone and want to spend your life with them. Cheating, without question, that's a deal breaker. If she had slept with guys while we were broken up, would I be hurt? Yes, at first. But I would be able to get over it if I knew she wanted to make it work and wanted to spend her life with me. My love for her would overshadow the temporary hurt of her sleeping with someone else. She told me she had made out with some guys during our breakup, and I told her I had made out with some girls. She didn't care about that. But it was me having sex with one person that made her so upset.

I'm just saying if you really really love someone and want to be with them forever... sleeping with one person during a BREAKUP shouldn't be a dealbreaker. But that is just my opinion and I can't change how she feels. Who knows though, she is upset about me sleeping with someone, but I'll never truly know if she would have been able to get over that and stay with me because I didn't tell the truth when she asked. Man, that what if scenario just keeps haunting me. What if I had told the from the beginning? I'll never know.

Feeling sad today. My ex's move to Hawaii next week has been confirmed. I saw photos one of her friends posted on Facebook of her going away party and it made me really sad. I called her and left her a heartfelt message about how I will never forget our 5 years together and how I will always care about her. I told her how she would always be special to me because she was the first person I ever really loved. I asked if I could see her and the dog one last time before she moved to say goodbye or if she didn't want to see me, if she could call me back and I could talk to her for a little bit and say goodbye.

Hours passed and I got no response so I texted her asking if she got my message and if we could talk before she moved. She just texted back saying "I don't think so". So I sent her back a text saying that I know she is hurt and that I wish she would realize how sorry I am for hurting her but that it was a shame that after 5 years together and all the time spent together, and after she repeatedly told me she wanted me in her life one way or the other, she won't even give me 2 minutes to say goodbye and wish her well.

I also said that her hating me for the rest of her life won't accomplish anything and that I hope she can one day forgive me and see that there are some positives that came from our time together. About 20 minutes later my phone rang and it was her, but I was just too upset so I didn't answer.

It was probably stupid to contact her, but I just really want to say goodbye to her. I thought I was getting better, but now I am back to square one. I guess I can't understand why she won't give me even two minutes to speak to her.

Sorry, just venting.

She did call... call her back and get your closure and be done with it man..

Don't know if I want to call back. The more I think of it, the more I just think saying goodbye will hurt me even more. I don't even know what it will accomplish. It will probably make me more sad and just set me back even further. I just can't get over the fact that she hates me so much she won't even let me speak to her or see her. I know I can't make her feel a certain way, but I just wish that she could realize how much time we spent together and that even though things didn't work out, there were some positives that came from our time together. I'm just wishing I could get inside her head and find out if she still thinks of me, if she misses me, and if this is just as hard as it is for me. To think someone can switch off their feelings from a 5 year relationship like a light hurts me even more, and that is what it feels like she has done. Although, maybe she is very hurt, maybe she still does have feelings for me, but she has to protect herself from getting hurt, and I guess this is the way she is doing it and I have to accept that.

I'm such an idiot for sleeping with someone else during the breakup, and even more of an idiot for lying about it. I wish I had never given into temptation as a single guy and I wouldn't be in this situation right now and we would be moving to Hawaii together. You live, you learn. Thank God I am going back to see a therapist tomorrow, I really have a lot to talk about.

I wouldn't call her,it would set you back,as you said.
Nobody can get inside her head,but I would assume she's hurting and has chosen her way of dealing with her pain.
Yes,we live and learn and eventually we heal from the pain of a breakup.
Good luck with your therapist tomorrow.

Thank you. I just pray and hope the healing process isn't super long. For some reason, I feel like its going to take me a LONG time to get over this.

Impossible to tell how long it'll take,but actively working on your healing certainly helps.

Making your mind up that you are willing to heal makes all the difference.

The way you're approaching the so called "healing" you're in for LOOOONGGG road ahead.

And what way is that? Could you please let me know what I should do to heal better than I am? I am really lost because I am still in denial and in so much pain. I feel like healing is impossible.

I know it may seem difficult to believe, but there will be a day down that road where you'll be over this. Being lost, in denial, in so much pain... it's natural to feel that way for someone who's gone through what you have.

Sometimes you just need to trust those who have been through that same pain, that same sense of loss. Many of us here are living proof that there is life beyond the present. You're not alone but also you have to be willing to listen to everyone here and try to benefit from this experience - their advice can lessen your pain and allow you to heal faster. Read the stickies if you have not already - many, including myself, have learned by gleaning over these bits of wisdom. Get busy with your life - start acting like you have a life outside of what was your relationship with this girl. Start working out/exercising if you have not already. Find something you've been interested in trying out but never had the time to. There are tons of things you can do.

The road ahead of you is only as long as you make it for yourself. Work on yourself and believe in the healing process and you'll be rewarded. Good luck. :)

First of all, you have to workout... its like a must and not a mini workout... I mean all out workout... I didn't have the greatest body but just after two months with crazy workouts I've seen a big difference. I'm actually going again to the gym tonight. Find a 24 hour gym or whatever is convenient to you. Staying home working out is usually not consistent as its easy to give up - for me at least. Then learn to play an instrument... that would be sweet! I play drums and am in a rock band so I stay busy and I have practice on Wednesday. I know I will be bored on Saturday so I am planning a football/poker party n having 9 people over to watch the Colts play! I love Peyton Manning!! Find things to look forward to.

We had just moved into together and we weren't really getting along, and I didn't like the way she was treating me after we moved in and were trying to get the house organized. For some reason I started to think about all the things I didn't like about her and how she started negative behavior like her mother. I just started to get scared.

You can't ignore these issues... This is simply proof that this is for the best! Accept it... Hawaii is all beautiful which you probably have in your mind. They just have beautiful views by the beach... Surely she won't be there every day. Don't think about it too much. I personally dream of going to Hawaii and won't die till I go there! I can't wait!! But its for vacation purposes so it will be everything I dream of and more... I just need a lot of money because I want no limits out there!!
There's so much to live for! Open your eyes! Take one day at a time. I know its hard. Some points of the day I struggle as well. Some things are just not meant to be.

It doesn't seem like your relationship was that great anyway. You were depressed before, and granted, that may have been your problem alone, but it sounded like you didn't like the position that you were in, and now you are looking through the lens of revised history.

You're going to have to acknowledge that you made mistakes in the relationship, and accept them. The both of you seemed like you didn't communicate effectively at all, you telling the girl (who you are now trying to get back desperately) that you didn't want to marry her and were pushed into proposing to her.

There had to have been a reason for you to say that. That's definitely not something you say in the heat-of-the-moment situation to a girl that you're engaged to get married to. I had to deal with the same thing, only with the girl who was unsure of progressing with the relationship. I tortured myself for awhile over this, but enough is enough.

She doesn't know what to believe, and she's backing out. Honestly, I don't think you know what you really want either. Please, take a good look at your past together, the arguments, and the feelings you had prior to breaking up. Then, imagine your whole like like that. Chances are, it isn't pretty.

Bottom line: She's decided to move far, far away. It is a clear message that she doesn't want anything to do with you. The best thing you can do is just accept the situation, accept your shortcomings, vow to do better next time, and leave it.

The girl also doesn't seem to be leading you on purposely like I have known some others to do. She just wants her dog taken care of and to have some space to sort out feelings for herself. She's not calling you up and giving you false hopes by saying "maybe we'll get together in the future". Or she's not trying to call you to go out on lunch dates like my ex did, and try to string you along. She's moving to Hawaii, and for all intents and purposes, is done with you, probably forever. You can see that as a blessing and a curse. She won't be trying to get back together with you as a rebound (most likely), and won't try to be your friend and meddle with your head. I think she's being fairly mature about all of this. I think you should respect her space and her wish, and leave her alone unless she contacts you.

It's so hard because all I do is think about her, all I do is think about every good moment we had and completely block out any bad moment. All I do is think about what our life together would be like. All I do is think about how I had her back and then completely blew it again. She is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I wake up with the most empty of feelings in my stomach and throughout the day it doesn't really get any better. I barely have an appetite and just feel like I want to die. How do I stop thinking about her and wondering what she is doing and what she is thinking every minute of the day? When will this tortuous cycle of thoughts end?

And what way is that? Could you please let me know what I should do to heal better than I am? I am really lost because I am still in denial and in so much pain. I feel like healing is impossible.

Cristoforo I realize you hurt. But your making mistakes, a lot of mistakes. You ask for advice, we give it, you do your own thing. And that's fine... but then you whine when it backfires or doesn't bring about the result you expect. Yes each situation is different... generally just the names of the people. I hear that and it's usually a cop out to do their own thing.

As pointed out above MANY of us have been through the same situation. We're trying to share our experiences with you so you don't make the same mistakes. Now you have free will to do as you please but when someone indicates it's not a good idea to text, send emails, phone, phone her parents, send flowers, etc... it's probably a good bit of advice. Listen to it, actually think about what is being told to you, it's meant for your sanity and well being.

Right now your relationship is OVER. Say it, OVER. You need to accept that and let her go. Again, this is told to you for your sanity and well being. This will help you to heal.

I know it's over, but I can't help still having feelings for her and caring about her and wanting to talk to her. The wounds are still fresh. I'm sure she will never want to be with me again, but I can't help but still miss her and wish we could talk or see each other. But I am going to let it go, go NC and focus on myself. It's just hard when you are constantly thinking about them and only thinking about the happiest of times. It makes you wish you could turn back time and do everything different.

We've all been there,and it will change, with time for you,too, you will start feeling better and one day you'll be over her.

You do need to keep busy though.
Get out and do things-see friends,even if you feel as if you have to force yourself.

Christo, you need to stop reacting to the future and start living in the present.

Don't worry about whether you ever see her again or how she will feel twenty years from now.

Yes, you miss her. That is extremely normal and natural. It will also fade with time if you allow it to. That is where self-control comes in. When those thoughts and feelings come up re-direct them to something else. It can be anything from baseball stats to how the universe was formed. Just pick something that is completely opposite of where the thoughts were wandering on their own.

Have you put up/given back/thrown out anything of hers that you have left? Putting away things that bring up strong memories can help keep them from popping up all the time. Redecorating can help. Just moving furniture and items around can help change the thought patterns.

Get out and rebuild your life in your image. Find things to do that you wouldn't have done with her or that you didn't have time to do when you were with her. Just stay away from alcohol. The temptation to over-indulge is way to easy to give in to and it doesn't help the situation. Continuing Education classes and community based classes can be great places to learn something and meet new people who have the same interests you do. Getting involved in your community through volunteer work can do wonders to keep your mind and body busy as well as building up your self-esteem.

Give yourself time and patience. Be understanding with yourself. Negative times will occur. Don't dwell on them. Turn around to something positive. You are going to trip. Just keep picking yourself up and moving forward. It will get better if you believe it will.

Yeah, I am trying to keep myself busy and to take my mind off her. I go to the gym a lot and work out which makes me feel a lot better. I'm going on a ski trip next weekend. I'm making sure I hang out with friends whenever I can. I'm seriously considering going back to school to get my Masters degree. All that helps. It just sucks when you are all alone with your thoughts. Another thing that sucks is that where I live is the area I lived with her for the past 5 years. Every day I see the places where we shared our first moments together, every day I drive past the place where we had our first date, every day I see the places where we shared moments together and the hurt keeps coming back. I can't move right now, so I am basically stuck seeing these places. It's hard.

. Another thing that sucks is that where I live is the area I lived with her for the past 5 years. Every day I see the places where we shared our first moments together, every day I drive past the place where we had our first date, every day I see the places where we shared moments together and the hurt keeps coming back. I can't move right now, so I am basically stuck seeing these places. It's hard.

Can you take a different route or get a group of friends together and create new memories for those places? Unfortunately, letting go of memories takes a longer than it does to make them.

Going back to school for your Masters sounds like it would definitely take up time and keep your mind busy.

I hope you have a great ski trip. You will have to let us know how it went. :)

Thanks. I'll let you know how it went for sure. I am going to visit a friend out in Colorado. Never been there before so I am looking forward to the beautiful views of the mountains and skiing some great terrain. I think getting away from all this and taking a short vacation will clear my mind and maybe bring some happiness.

Unfortunately, I have been partaking in drinking more than usual. I know its bad. But I have somewhat of a destructive personality when things aren't going well. I've been getting drunk almost every night, and if not drunk, I've gone back to smoking marijuana again. I feel like when I am not sober, the pain is numbed somewhat.

I know this is the wrong approach to be taking, but I just can't stop myself. I don't consider myself an alcoholic but perhaps I should consider going to an AA meeting?

That sounds like a good idea-the relief various substances bring is only temporary and is a slippery slope to depression.

Go to a meeting and talk to people,you'll feel better for it.

The AA meeting would be a good idea. I am glad that you are willing to recognize that you are on a self-destructive path and to get help and support. You know that we are here for you, too, but sometimes the physical presence of others can be a bigger help.

Enjoy the new place and sights and seeing your friend.

Take care of yourself. :)

Yes, the physical presence of others is such a blessing. I've made sure these past couple of weekends and this weekend to make plans to go out with friends. When you are having fun with friends, it really makes you happy and takes your mind off everything, but its when that is over and the friends leave, and you are all by yourself, that you feel miserable again. The happiness of being with friends was just temporary and now you're back to feeling sad and lonely.

You have to believe that those feelings will change.
Because they will.

The happiness of being with friends was just temporary and now you're back to feeling sad and lonely.

This is where self-control comes in. Changing the focus from being lonely to finding something more positive. Helping others with their problems can help you get your mind off your own. It also helps to know that you aren't alone.

Have you checked out more of AMHD? The Humor section can be fun not just to read the jokes posted but the responses. It can help redirect those destructive thoughts.

After much thought and reflection, I've come to the realization that the reason she isn't talking to me right now, the reason why she wants nothing to do with me and won't let me see her or even talk to her to say goodbye is not because she hates me and no longer loves me like I originally thought.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is quite the opposite. I believe she still loves me and still cares about me. After 5 years, I can't just turn my feelings off like a light, and I assume that she can't either. Like my wounds, her wounds are still fresh.

She is going through the same pain that I am, if not even worse pain. She put the past behind her and let me back into her heart and I betrayed her with my lie. She is definitely not taking this easy.

I was selfish to only focus on the pain I was going through without even considering her situation. I was playing the victim, the dumpee complaining about his girl leaving him and about how hurt he is.

She wants nothing to do with me and won't speak to me because she is protecting herself. She knows what will happen if she lets me in her life right now. After she initially ended things last April, she continued to contact me and we stayed in each others lives, and all that led to what a rocky road of hurt and back and forth, finally ending in reconciliation that was crushed by my actions. She does not want the same thing to happen again. She knows she needs to be away from me right now in order to heal from this and move on, just like I need to do.

And I don't blame her one bit. I finally understand that our breakup isn't only affecting me, its affecting her as well, and it might even be affecting her worse than me. I know she has not forgotten about me. I know she still probably thinks about me from time to time and that she truly does care about me, but she needs to protect herself more than ever now. Not talking to me and ignoring me, and moving to Hawaii is the perfect way for her to do that.

I finally put myself in her shoes and thought about what she is going through and I now finally understand it all. I know now that NC is the only way for both of us to heal from these wounds. Maybe some day down the road, when we are both healed, we can try to connect on a friendly level to see how we each are doing. But I believe that will not be happening for a while, as this healing process might take a while, not just for me, but for her too.

CP, that sounds like you are really trying to heal by looking at the full stage instead of just where the spot light is shining.

I hope you do understand both her and yourself. :)

Thank you. I suppose it is better to look at the entire play instead of just one scene. I really feel awful for hurting her and I can only imagine that she is having a difficult time dealing with this as well.

Thank you. I suppose it is better to look at the entire play instead of just one scene. I really feel awful for hurting her and I can only imagine that she is having a difficult time dealing with this as well.

All you can really do is accept it and make sure it doesn't happen in the future with someone else. She has to deal with her own issues.

It's one of those life lessons. :(

Accept. Deal. Thow away the baggage. Heal. Move on. I know easy to write; hard to live.

Have you tried an AA meeting yet?

You sir, screwed up... what's done is done, don't try to fix it because she is always going to have those same thoughts that you said to her in her head... and she will always think of you as that

What thoughts will she always have in her head?

What thoughts will she always have in her head?

I don't think westy08 read the whole thread and probably used a word(s) that the censor program deleted.

Don't let concern about what she may or may not be think get you off track. Remember, no stale coffee. :)

Is it OK to cry? I'm supposed to be handling this like a man, but I can't hold back the tears. I break down at least twice a day.

Of course it's OK to cry-at this stage I'd say it's what you need,so don't feel bad about that.
There's no point in bottling up your emotions.

Yes, you are in mourning for the relationship. It is much better than trying to numb it with 'self-medications'.

The last couple of days have been rough. All I can do is keep thinking of her. I look at pictures of her and how beautiful she is and think I'll never find someone as sweet and beautiful as her. It's really depressing. I don't even know if she has moved yet but I just want to send her an email and tell her good luck and that I am sorry for what I put her though and that I will always love her and never forget our time together. It know that means I break NC, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep NC going. I know I probably won't get a response from her, but for some reason, I just want her to know one more time how sorry I am and how remorseful I am for what I did.

The last couple of days have been rough. All I can do is keep thinking of her. I look at pictures of her and how beautiful she is and think I'll never find someone as sweet and beautiful as her. It's really depressing. I don't even know if she has moved yet but I just want to send her an email and tell her good luck and that I am sorry for what I put her though and that I will always love her and never forget our time together. It know that means I break NC, but I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep NC going. I know I probably won't get a response from her, but for some reason, I just want her to know one more time how sorry I am and how remorseful I am for what I did.

Stop looking at pictures. Stop torturing yourself. DO NOT SEND HER AN EMAIL. It would only keep both of you hurting even longer.

You have told her how you feel. IF you keep saying it over and over again, it looks like all you care about is how you feel and making her feel like dirt because she is attempting to move on. I know that isn't what you want to do. It is another way it could be perceived, though.

Keep up the NC. Get your head out of the 'photograph album'.

So sending an email would really make her feel like dirt? I feel like I didn't apologize enough and I never wished her good luck. I just wanted to say that I hope her move goes well and that her time there is the happiest of her life. I'm not expecting a response at all. After the email I would disappear and go strict NC.

Why break NC and set yourself back,run the risk of upsetting her to repeat something you've already said?
And looking at pictures isn't helping you either,so stop doing that.

It could make her think that is how you want her to feel. It doesn't mean that is how she will feel or what you intended.

Wishing her well is for you. Not her. It makes you feel better to know that you sent it. It is all about you and what you want.

What she wants is to be left alone.

Why are any well wishes from me automatically not genuine and selfish? Is it really not possible for me to truly want the best for her and express that to her?

Why are any well wishes from me automatically not genuine and selfish? Is it really not possible for me to truly want the best for her and express that to her?

I didn't say they weren't genuine. What I said was your sharing your feelings could be seen as selfish. BECAUSE you would be ignoring her need to have no contact.

I forgot to add what is probably a very important detail to this whole situation. I don't know why it slipped my mind but it definitely has something to do with my ex's reaction to what I did.

From the ages of 6 to 9, my ex was sexually abused by her former stepfather. This obviously is something she probably will never get over and will have to deal with for the rest of her life. This was probably why she waited until she was in love to lose her virginity, which was to me.

When I slept with someone else, and didn't tell her and lied about it when she asked, she feels like I vioalted her when we slept together because she thinks I could have gotten an STD and given it to her.

Now I feel as if she feels I sexually abused her her something, and now she views me in the same light as her piece of crap stepfather. This was the last thing I want... for her to hate me like she hates he stepfather. Man, I really hope this isn't the case. I don't know how to live with myself knowing that she might view me in this light. This is going to set be back a lot. I never meant to hurt her like this.

Cristoforo, I am going to ask you for something, please let this go .Stop with the "what if" stuff. It isn't helping you,and is causing you to suffer more than you need. Put the whip away and start healing.

There is no what if. I just don't want to go the rest of my life thinking that she views me like her step father. I never wanted that.

Now I feel as if she feels I sexually abused her her something, and now she views me in the same light as her piece of crap stepfather. This was the last thing I want...for her to hate me like she hates he stepfather. Man, I really hope this isn't the case. I don't know how to live with myself knowing that she might view me in this light. This is going to set be back a lot. I never meant to hurt her like this.

I don't think she does. She did contact you about the dog. She would not have done that if she views you in the same light as that person.

The problem is that by contacting her when she doesn't want contact, you are taking the choice to contact you away from her. You are taking that control away from her.

It is a no win situation for you at the moment. If you don't contact, you don't know how she feels about you and you worry. If you do contact her, you run the risk of setting back BOTH of your recoveries and making her feel 'not in control'.

Personally, I would keep my own uncertainty and let her have the control to contact me if/when she is ready.

What if she thinks of me as she does her stepfather,sounds like "what if" to me. Stop it and be good to yourself and her .

Just got back from my 5 day trip out to Colorado. I thought being out there with the beautiful views and the great skiing would take my mind off her. I thought about her every day. It was so pathetic that I even cried on a ski lift. Also, I had a dream about her EVERY NIGHT I was there. This just keeps getting worse and I don't know what it will take to make me feel better. I thought time would heal everything. It seems to be making it worse.

Time will heal you-but it will still take whatever time it takes.

It's a question of how you spend your time as well.
Apart from work,do you make plans to do things in your spare time?

Are you still seeing your therapist?

Just thought I'd pop in an offer a little update. I've been in NC for over a month now... I broke it a month ago and sent her an email wishing her well but of course, I never got a response, which was expected. So I've been strict NC. Blocked her on Facebook, and I probably should delete her from my phone as well.

I have been going to my therapist regularly, which has worked wonders. The time apart from my ex has really opened my eyes and allowed me to examine the relationship in its entirety. Although it was finally me who broke the trust and lied to her, which led to the final breakup, I see that there were so many red flags in the relationship... perhaps too many.

I know from my initial post in April of last year, and then my more recent post about how she ended it for good, most people probably want to view me as the jerk who didn't care about her feelings, but that is a false assumption and I hope people can see that. It takes two to tango. She deserves some blame in the breakup as well. It wasn't all my actions.

I see now we just weren't compatible in so many ways. Since the last breakup, I wanted to put her on some sort of pedestal that she really didn't belong on, forgetting the fact that in our 5 year relationship, we really only had a little under a year in which things weren't rocky. We fought all the time, we both did immature things to each other, she was unfair a lot, she overreacted a lot, she had a lot of issues to deal with and so did I and it made for a turbulent relationship.

The main point of my post is this: It's getting better! I still have days where I'm a little bummed out, but its amazing that with the passing of time, wounds like this really do begin to heal. To think that I will never find love again or never find that connection with someone again is ridiculous. I know I will. And hopefully the next time I do, it will be on a much more mature level and it will last forever. And this time around, I will know how to better handle a relationship because I learned so many lessons during my last one in terms of communicating how I feel and being honest.

I spent way too much time and energy being miserable about my life and my situation only to realize how pathetic that really is and to realize that I am alive for a reason. I am young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I don't need another person to make me whole or make me happy. Only I can do that for myself!

So that is my goal right now, find true happiness in life without the aid of a relationship. I need to be happy with myself before being happy with someone else in my life. Things are looking up. I'm actually excited for what is in store for me.

Wish you the best of luck!

Brilliant news-I'm truly happy for you.
Keep going and the very best of luck.

Just sitting here a minute ago and my phone rings and it is her. I didn't answer it and she left no voicemail. Over a month of strict NC up to this point. Not sure what she wants or if I want to call her back. It may only upset me more to talk to her. What should I do? I feel like its best on my part to stay NC but I'm not sure.

I feel like its best on my part to stay NC.

I think I may have figured out why she called. She moved to Hawaii last month. I just heard today that Hawaii was supposed to get hit by a tsunami. Maybe that's why she was calling? I don't know. Would it be advisable to contact to see if she's OK?

I think I may have figured out why she called. She moved to Hawaii last month. I just heard today that Hawaii was supposed to get hit by a tsunami. Maybe that's why she was calling? I don't know. Would it be advisable to contact to see if she's ok??

No.

If it was important, or she seriously wanted to talk, she would have left a voice mail.

I think I may have figured out why she called. She moved to Hawaii last month. I just heard today that Hawaii was supposed to get hit by a tsunami. Maybe that's why she was calling? I don't know. Would it be advisable to contact to see if she's ok??

It turned out that the tsunami didn't materialize like they thought it would. She and Hawaii are fine as far as that goes.

Keep NC. Let her leave a message if she feels it is important enough to contact you.

Curiosity killed the cat, whoops not you Cat!

Well of course I went against what everyone advised, as I often do, and I broke NC with a short email just mentioning how I heard about the tsunami warning and that I hope she is OK. I got an immediate response and she said she was scared and that's why she called me. She also said she hopes me and my family are doing well.

Now, I'm just curious why she decided to call me when she was scared? She has tons of family and friends, and she calls me? Someone who she claims she hates and will never forgive? Someone who she hasn't spoken to in 2 months? I don't get it. She is obviously still thinking about me in some capacity, otherwise she wouldn't have called. You really can't spin this any other way, I'm sorry. It is obvious she still thinks about me and probably still does care, otherwise she wouldn't have called me looking for comfort. Of course, now I regret breaking NC and I'm upset again. Back to square one again. I should have listened to everyone else.

Seriously, I'll go bananas if someone says that her calling me because she was scared doesn't mean anything. It's obvious it does. I'm trying to move on and if I were in her situation, I wouldn't have called her because I was scared.

What's done is done,so don't beat yourself up about it.

Back to NC-and get busy.

Leave her to heal.

I will go back to NC, but its impossible not to wonder why she decided to call me if she was scared. She could have called her mom, her dad, her brother, her grandparents, anyone of her friends, instead she calls me, someone who she says she hates and wants out of her life, someone who she will never forgive. Even if she had no luck getting a hold of every family member or friend, it still wouldn't have made sense to call me considering her feelings towards me. It just doesn't add up and now it's got me upset all over again.

She is just trying to string you along while she makes up her mind.

It just sucks because it shows me that every thing is on her terms, when she wants to call, she'll call like its no big deal. When I want to talk to her, NO, that isn't possible, she says no.

She never called to see how me or my dad was, she only called because she wanted something. She wanted to be comforted and knew I had always been there for her.

Its called selfishness and I'm glad I see it. She's just plain selfish. Doesn't care that I'm trying to heal and thinks its no big deal to call me when SHE is scared and wants something.

Exactly. Think of all the times since your breakup that you have been miserable, anxious, or scared. Was she there for you? NO.

Its your reaction that has been at the heart of the advice we give about NC. It happens all the time as any contact triggers feelings of confusion, anger, and regret.

You start wondering everything and think it means something.

Stick to NC, and save yourself the misery and drama.

Well its been a month since I last posted and thought I would give an update. My emotions have been day to day, sometimes I feel happy and excited about life, other days the complete opposite.

I mentioned how NC was broken when she called me a month ago because she was scared. Well, last week, after a night of drinking with some friends, I was stupid and called her and left a message basically telling her I still love her and I hope she is doing well in Hawaii, and that I'll always love her, etc. Well yesterday I got an email response from her that said:

"Hey,

I got your message the other night. I know you were drunk, but I didn't want you to think that I didn't care enough to respond. I hope you are doing well as well. It is very sad for me to think about our relationship...it is why I moved to Hawaii to try and get over things and to forget how sad I was. I know you love me and I will always love you...but our relationship especially at the end really hurt me in ways that I can't even explain and changed me. I feel lost alot of the time and unsure of so much....I need to heal and I think that it would be best if you could try and not call me or email me and leave messages like that. I know you didn't mean too and that you were drunk, but it would be best for me to not hear things like that. Otherwise, I hope you are doing well and I would hope that we can eventually have normal conversations and be friends. Hope you have a Happy Easter. "

It was a heartfealt email and I know she still cares and that she doesn't really hate me like I thought, but she just needs to heal, the same way I do. I'm not going to make anymore mistakes and break NC like that. I don't know about the last part, I can't really imagine us ever being friends, so maybe that is wishful thinking on her part. The email made me pretty sad though. This is why you don't break NC. Back to NC I go.

Back you go-lesson learned.

Leave each other alone to heal.

Back you go-lesson learned.

Leave each other alone to heal.

That simple.

This is why you don't break NC. Back to NC I go.

Back to NC and healing. :)

Maybe now you can focus on the future.

Good luck.

Finally got through 18 pages of this saga! It appears you are doing well. We all have setbacks, it's the self control we have to work on.

Like I've said before to others. When you think about her, you have to learn to "turn the channel". Its not easy but every time I think of my ex I force myself to change the channel in my brain to something more pleasant. Its not easy at first but as you learn to control yourself, the remote becomes second nature and auto programed to go to another station when that one pops up

At least she was polite and honest about it.

Leave her be and get on with YOUR life. That's what's important now.

Best of luck! NC

After he email which I did not respond to... she called twice in the last week. The first time she left a message saying she was calling to see how I was doing and to call her back, the second time, her message was just music in the background. I don't understand, she says she needs to heal and asks me to not call her or leave her messages, then she turns right around and calls me twice in a week. What do I do? Call her back, email her, or do I just stick to NC and ignore it?

"just stick to NC and ignore it"

I guess that's what I will do then. Thanks!

She called and left a 3 minute sob message about how much she misses me. How she misses me more than anything. And how she hates how things turned out. She was crying the whole time. She said she will never love anyone as much as she loved me. The whole message was just her crying and saying she misses me. And she said she thinks about me every day and just feels broken all the time. Her message really made me sad. What do I do? Should I stay NC? I know that is what everyone says but I feel so bad for her because she sounded so upset and sad.

What if she is just trying to keep you as a friend until she has healed and you get caught up in all those hopeful feelings again? Yes she is upset, but would it be worth it to get back on the same merry go round and start chasing and begging again? Those are the things you should think about, because if she just wants you for an emotional tampon to ease her loneliness or boredom, like a girl friend, are you okay with that?

I think you reread your own post of a year yesterday, and find out where your at NOW, before you give in to curiosity, false hope, or tears.

Honestly, looking back on everything, I realize our relationship was toxic and there were a lot of red flags, even though there were numerous times when things were great. The bad outweighed the good though. I honestly got scared when I listened to this message because I thought it was a step towards her wanting to get back together. I don't know that I would. Part of me feels like I need to move on for good and find something better, but another part of me feels like maybe I am meant to be with her and if she would ever want to get back together at some point and I refuse, that I will regret. I struggle with the back and forth emotions every day.

But as time passes, I feel more and more confident that there is a stronger, deeper, healthier, and more mature love out there for me. And that my ex is my ex for a reason. It's been a year and I've barely moved on and that needs to change!

I think she is lonely. She moved all the way to Hawaii to essentially escape her problems and now may be having second thoughts about all of this. She is sending conflicting signals. She emails you and tells you that she doesn't want you to contact her anymore, then she leaves a sobbing message on your phone. You both need to stop. She is getting confused and you are getting confused.

You have to think about this rationally and look back at the past year of events to see how and why you got here. I can almost guarantee you will find the answers you are looking for yourself if you make an honest effort to reflect on the situation.

She needs to do the same. This situation did not develop over night. She chose to move away for a reason. The wedding was called off for a reason. You both made mistakes and now have to face the reality of a situation that most likely is beyond repair.

It's tough to truly move on and leave someone who you truly loved behind. It is a constant struggle that you have deal with ever day. My own situation is somewhat similar and I'm still battling those ghosts on a weekly basis... However, I also keep looking forward and know I have the strength and courage to move on and find someone who will fit me better. You need to find that strength and let the past be the past. It sucks, but it is the only way.

Remember, actions speak louder than words, and the only thing you are getting from her is whole bunch of words. Unless she specifically tells you she wants you back and wants to work this out, then she is just feeding your false hope.

I think you ignore the message and keep healing.

Whatever her reasons for calling were,you're better off moving forward with your own life.

Hi all. I just feel so broken and depressed now. It's been 6 months and just when I thought I was getting better, the same intense pain is back. After that sob message I called her back and left a message saying we needed to move on and messages like that weren't healthy. I didn't hear from her.

I thought dating might help me move in the right direction. I had a crush on this woman for a while and so I asked her out. She said yes, but ever since she's been flaky. I called her over the weekend and left her a message and asked her if she wanted to do something this weekend and I haven't heard back from her.

So naturally, I felt rejected and I started to miss my ex again. I called her last weekend and she said she'd call me back later. I spoke to her last night and I told her things similar to what she told me in her sob message. She got upset and said she is better now and that we should both move on and that things just didn't work out. She then told me she was seeing someone. That's what hurt the most. I've been crying all day.

I feel like such an idiot. I thought I was healing, I thought I was moving in the right direction. Now after 6 months of trying to heal, I feel like I'm back to square one. I feel so lost and hurt and broken. I miss my ex so much and I feel like I will never find someone like her or someone that I will love like her and someone who will be my best friend and who I can grow with.

My mind is going to the wrong places. I feel like I don't want to live anymore. I'm so sick of all this pain. Why is healing so hard?

Healing is hard when you keep contacting the source of your pain. It's like an addictive drug. When you quit, you need to do it for life. Even if you try it again, one time, you relapse. In this case you relapsed because you reached out and contacted her and became privy to more heartbreaking info. She used you as a spring board to get back on her feet again. You should have never replied to her message or called her last weekend. By doing so, you boosted her ego and shouldered her load of emotions. Some people call it being her emotional tampon... We all have times where we feel lonely and feel like we will never get to that level of love again. It just takes time to heal yourself and finding the right person to get to that level. Heck you got there once, how can you not get there ever again?

You need to totally cut her out. Find some friends to hang out with and have a good time. Don't worry about finding another girl right now, because chances are you will come off as being needy due to all of the loneliness you feel and they will flake out on you. It's summer. Time to go out and have fun and enjoy the nice weather.

I just moved into a house with two friends so I always have something to do, but my mind always goes back to her. I hate it. I'm so depressed and no longer have the desire to live. Why do I do this to myself?

Your coping skills need a lot of work my friend, because its what you are doing to yourself that makes the healing so much harder than it has to be.

Do it the right way, and I am sure you will get better results.

Stop trying to knock down a brick wall by running head first into it.

I just don't know what the "right" way is when I can't stop thinking about her and all the good moments we shared together.

Just re-read your post, the whole thing, and stop being so carried away by your feelings and think before you act or speak.

Don't just ignore what you have been told already when you are feeling bad.

I don't know exactly what re-reading this whole thread would do.

The problem is, I don't know how to reflect on the last 5+ years of my life without getting sad, since the last 5 years of my life were spent with this particular person. How can you turn off thinking about the past?

Re-reading this thread will show you all the advice you have been given, but chose to ignore, or forgotten.

You won't have time to think of the past, when you are excited, and focused on the future, as you build a life that you enjoy.

All of us have things in our past that make us sad, but we cope with the feelings by letting them pass, and not dwell on them as you are doing.

Coping skills.

I was feeling better when I was focused on the future... then when something didn't work out as I had hoped, I went right back to the past.

Yes, I will agree that its frustrating when a plan doesn't work, but going back to the past is NOT the solution, making a better plan is. One that keeps you moving forward, not back.

I was feeling better when I was focused on the future...then when something didn't work out as I had hoped, I went right back to the past.

Part of looking forward and focusing on the future is to realize that there are multiple outcomes for every event. Just because one doesn't work out doesn't mean that another won't end up being better. It may not have been your first choice of actions, but it doesn't have to be your last one either.

I think you made a mistake by asking out someone you already have an interest in (aka: crush on). You had an emotional investment from the beginning. Try to get back into dating by going out with women you just met or that you just want to have a good time with. Leave the ones you want to get to know better or more intimately off the potential 'dates' list for right now. Work on being able to get through a movie or dinner without comparing your current date to a past one. Having to attempt to connect with a new person can help focus the mind on the here and now.

Take her off the pedestal you put her on. She isn't a trophy and doesn't deserve to be thought as one. She is no better than the next girl out there and you need to figure that out.

You were together for 4.5 years. I was together with my ex for 4. I decided to totally let go of everything about 7 months ago and we haven't been together since Aug 2008... so feelings like this can last for a while. Now that I think about it, I still think about her and wonder sometimes, but over time my brain has learned to block about 98% of the emotion out of those thoughts.

You see, once you love someone, you don't ever really stop. They could be the nastiest person in the world and still hold a place in your heart. You just learn to ways to deal with the emotions and not allow them to get to you as much. That's what you need to learn.

It's hard to take her off the pedestal when you fear you'll never find someone like that again. She had a look that made me feel so comfortable and close to her, the way I could interact with her was like no other, the way I could act around her I couldn't act around anyone else. The friendship I had with her was like no other. Everything about her, her smile, her laugh, her mannerisms that just made me love her, I feel I will never find that again and I will end up settling with someone who I don't feel as strongly about.

Give it more time. You'll see. Go out and have fun with your buddies.

I have suffered from depression for a long time. I was on medication for a few years, but I stopped taking it shortly after the final breakup. I think it would be good for me to start taking it again. I think it will help me to see things clearer. My mind is so clouded right now.

Yes! If you have a medical condition that needs medication, take it. I also suffer from depression. I stopped taking my medication until recently... I have no idea why I stopped. I feel a lot better since I started taking it again. Plus, exercise really helps too.

Was surprised to find an email from my ex this morning. It has been 5 months since we last spoke. That was the phone call I talked about earlier in this post. That happened June 1st. I never contacted her again and tried to move on, and unfortunately, I am still not entirely healed.

I get an email from her saying that she just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. She said that she wanted me to know that she was moving back to Hawaii. She said she hoped my family and I are doing well and that she really wanted me to be happy and that she hoped I was.

What gives? Why did she send this email? What is her motive here? Why does she want me to know she is moving back to Hawaii? Do I just ignore the email? I haven't responded yet and I don't know if I really should.

Cristo, I think you already know what I am going to say, but I will say it anyway. If you keep No Contact and ignore her and her attempts at communications, you save yourself from a lot of confusion.

If you are getting on with your life, her motives don't matter. What are your motives in opening an email from her? What are you getting out of getting on the Tilt-a-Whirl of Confusion again? I would delete the email and call up a friend to hang out with or head to the gym for a good workout rather than step back on that carnival ride. Cleaning the bathroom sounds better than dwelling on that mess again.

Take care of yourself.