My husband decided to end our marriage March this year, it coincided with him starting a new contract a couple of hours drive away. He told me I had been a fantastic wife, I am his soul mate and best friend, I was too good for him, did too much for him. He finally admitted that he didn't love me the way I deserve to be loved.

He moved out and I was devastated, he still wanted to be best friends and share things and he has said that who knows about the future maybe with time once we learn to be friends, he still wants his independence and he wants me to like myself and then maybe...

He said he just wanted to be on his own, he wanted space and independence and he has realised he is a bit of a loner.

All this while we have been in contact, although I haven't seen him since July because I find it too painful, so the contact has been via texts, emails and phone calls.

The other day I found a mobile phone bill with one particular phone being rung several times. I rang him to ask him, he said it is nothing and that he is just good friends with a woman, then he said something like she is keener on him, I asked him if they had been intimate and finally he admitted that he had but he said it was nothing, he has told her he doesn't want a heavy relationship and it is a distant one too, he says he is still on his own. He was like, what's wrong, we are separated, yes we are but there was always that hope that maybe we could sort something out, with all his mixed messages he kept giving me. He then said that he had blown it and that I wouldn't want him back now would I? He said this is all part of the process and who knows what will happen in the future. I have asked him to tell me that our marriage has definitely ended and he can't he says that he has moved on but can't say what will happen in the future.

He still wants us to be friends and have a relationship, we will have a joint account and house etc.

What the hell do I do? I am not eating, I am in tears all the time, I keep seeing images of them being together and it is killing me - she is thin in her 40s never been married and has no kids - it is like she has grabbed him with her claws and won't let go.

His contract work ended abruptly in October and since then he has been out of work, but still living in the flat. I said that I was even feeling sorry for him thinking that he is going to get depressed, no work and on his own and he said that could be part of it.

We have been married 23 years and have to grown up daughters. I had invited him for christmas but can't handle that now, he will now spend it with her - how am I going to cope with that - am I pushing them together?

Please somebody tell me what to do - myself esteem, everything has hit rock bottom, all I am doing is comparing myself to her and thinking all manner of things as to what they are doing.

Sorry for going on and my message is probably very confusing.

Oh solow, I really feel for you. A terrible thing to be going through, and all the while thinking that he may be back to work on the marriage.

22 years is a huge investment, and a good chunk of your life spent with one person.

I think it is probably fair to say that he had this new woman already in the works when he said he needed 'space' and his 'independence'. That you found out the way you did, on your own and him not being honest, was particularly cruel on his part.

At the moment I think you are in the beginning phases of realizing that the marriage is not going to work out. Accepting the obvious is the hardest part, because, as you've found out, there are far too many questions, and no clear answers.

You do have options. You could wait it out and see if he sees the light. You could carry on the relationship you have with him now until you know which way he's going to go.

You could also try to prepare yourself in the likely event that the marriage is over. Go and see a lawyer, and when you're ready, file a separation agreement to protect yourself. Get yourself a bank account.

Allow yourself the luxury of time to sort through all your feelings and emotions; see a therapist if you think it will help you gain a practical view of what you are going through, and what you need to do.

You have not pushed him into anything. He's a grown man, and he's made the decision to cheat, and give up on the marriage. It angers me that he used the lines he did:


He told me I had been a fantastic wife, I am his soul mate and best friend, I was too good for him, did too much for him. He finally admitted that he didn't love me the way I deserve to be loved.

He makes it sound like he's doing you a favour! It is, of course, all about him, and his sentiments ring false.

He could be holding out on you AND her. He may be playing both ends against the middle to see what he prefers. If that is the case, you have to decide what you are going to do if he wants to come home.

While this is all going on for you, I hope you keep posting, and you will get a lot of opinions on this I'm sure.

He's been keeping you on a string with false promises. He wants his independence, but he's keeping you waiting in the shadows, just in case it doesn't work out.

I'm very sorry, because it must be so difficult for you. You've waited around with the hope that he might come back to you, and clearly he's been taking advantage of the time apart.

You can't be best friends with him while you're hurting so badly. Every time you speak to him it's like a stab in the heart. He actually does not care about your heart - he may say he does, but his actions prove otherwise. It will not be possible for you to be friends again with this man for a while. You need to heal your heart and get on with your life.

Put away the hope that he may come back to you. You will whittle away your pride and yourself esteem if you continue down this course.

You know what you need to do. It's time to reduce contact with him - your children are grown up, so he can contact them separately to you. Redirect his bills to his new address, change the other bills to your name, get your own bank account, speak to solicitor - it's time to begin the process of emotional and physical separation.

Your husband is counting on you doing what HE wants - start being assertive and do what YOU want. Sadly, this man does not have your best interests at heart.

Thank you both for your comments, a lot of what you have said is what I have been thinking.

Well most of the day I have been crying, unable to stop thinking about what they have been up to. Anyhow, I don't know why but I decided to ring him when I got home.

I spoke to him very calmly and again said to him that he isn't being clear, I said I needed clarity, that he had been stringing me along, which he denied. He finally almost said but not outright that our marriage has ended, he also hinted that his involvement with the other woman was a bit more deeper than what he was first implying.

When I first found out he said that he had blown it and that I won't want him back now?? I asked him whether he really wanted to know if I would take him back or whether it was so that I would say no I don't - making it easier for him, as he wouldn't have to do it.

The upsetting thing is that if I hadn't have found out he wouldn't have told me and would have been happy to come and stay during Christmas - what a plank I would have been!

I think something clicked in my head and I am clearer now - I now know that this is the end, which is what I have needed to know for months instead of being left dangling, I could have been much further forward in moving on.

I used to think he was my everything, but now that thought is tarnished and I feel less of him with less respect for him. I think I am angry now too.

I think he was leaving his options open and because I wanted to believe, he led me to believe that we could sort something out. This has also made me look at him differently.

His dad had said to him apparently why doesn't he just ring me and ask to come back and his answer was because I don't want to. Why the hell couldn't he have given me that straight answer?

His mum and dad are really upset and ashamed at how he has behaved - he still insists that he has been honest! Ha!

Anyway, I feel much better for knowing now, I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I went to counselling yesterday (1st session) and they had it down to a T. I've spent the whole marriage making sure he was happy and that the girls were and somehow forgot about myself along the way.

So until my next session, my daily mantra is "what can I do today to make myself feel good..." and do something, anything everyday for myself, so far I wore some mascara today and my daughter has painted my nails for tomorrow - small steps but I am feeling so much more positive. I have spent too long crying and it is time to stop and start enjoying life

There is no saying I will be like this tomorrow and could be back to a blubbering wreck but one day at a time... thanks for listening, it's a long road ahead but hopefully with your help as well I will get there x

Good for you. I'm sure it won't be easy but stick with the baby steps and you'll get there in the end. He has been wanting to have his cake and eat it while leaving you with the crumbs for too long.

Good luck. X

Yep, take all the money out of any joint accounts, file in court for a legal separation, and consider filing for divorce.

You deserve more than to be lead on meaningless promises.

Thank you both for your comments, alot of what you have said is what I have been thinking.

Well most of the day I have been crying, unable to stop thinking about what they have been up to. Anyhow, I don't know why but I decided to ring him when I got home.

I spoke to him very calmly and again said to him that he isnt being clear, I said I needed clarity, that he had been stringing me along, which he denied. He finally almost said but not outright that our marriage has ended, he also hinted that his involvement with the other woman was a bit more deeper than what he was first implying.

When I first found out he said that he had blown it and that I wont want him back now??? I asked him whether he really wanted to know if I would take him back or whether it was so that I would say no I don't - making it easier for him, as he wouldnt have to do it.

The upsetting thing is that if I hadnt have found out he wouldnt have told me and would have been happy to come and stay during Christmas - what a plank I would have been!

I think something clicked in my head and I am clearer now - I now know that this is the end, which is what I have needed to know for months instead of being left dangling, I could have been much further forward in moving on.

I used to think he was my everything, but now that thought is tarnished and I feel less of him with less respect for him. I think I am angry now too.

I think he was leaving his options open and because I wanted to believe, he led me to believe that we could sort something out. This has also made me look at him differently.

His dad had said to him apparently why doesnt he just ring me and ask to come back and his answer was because I dont want to. Why the hell couldnt he have given me that straight answer?

His mum and dad are really upset and ashamed at how he has behaved - he still insists that he has been honest! Ha!

Anyway, I feel much better for knowing now, I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I went to counselling yesterday (1st session) and they had it down to a T. I've spent the whole marriage making sure he was happy and that the girls were and somehow forgot about myself along the way.

So until my next session, my daily mantra is "what can I do today to make myself feel good..." and do something, anything everyday for myself, so far I wore some mascara today and my daughter has painted my nails for tomorrow - small steps but I am feeling so much more positive. I have spent too long crying and it is time to stop and start enjoying life

There is no saying I will be like this tomorrow and could be back to a blubbering wreck but one day at a time.... thanks for listening, its a long road ahead but hopefully with your help as well I will get there x

Yes, one day at a time! You've been sensible to seek counselling and make sure to keep your loved ones - the ones you can trust - close. It will be ahrd road to recovery, but the beautiful thing is you'll be rediscovering yourself.

I just want to add all my best wishes to you;stay strong and trust in yourself.
Good luck.

Hi everybody - just a quick response to say thank you so much to everybody, you have no idea what help you are being, I don't know what happened yesterday - I think it was because I took control of the situation why I feel so different - he even said on the phone to me that I sounded different, I was so in control, no tears nothing! I feel so good today, even though there is a long way to go and things will be difficult but like QLP says... baby steps.

I had a slight wobble this morning when I woke up but kept the mantra of "what will you do today to make yourself feel good" playing in my head until I had calmed down.

I feel a slight nervous excitement... which I haven't felt in a long time. I even put some lipstick on this morning and deleted all his text messages that I have been saving up and going over and over and trying to understand.

So thank you everybody - I am going to keep updating here as there are going to be ups and downs so will value your support x

I think you are doing well, but be prepared, as you said. You are facing acceptance, and you are feeling angry at times, which is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Have you considered keeping a diary and writing your thoughts down in it every day. The good days, the bad days both. There will eventually come a time where you may wonder if you've done the right thing, or a time where you may be feeling vunerable and depressed. It helps to be able to read through a diary to realize not only how far you've come, but why you needed to do what you did. Time has a way of softening the bad, and replacing it will good memories. It will help you to keep your perspective and resolve strong.

I would still be considering the possibility of him wanting to come home. He may very well find that the grass has turned out to be not greener on the other side, and regret what he's done and want to come home again. Are you going to consider that possibility? How do you think you will handle that.

Also one more thing, and that is, I wouldn't be talking to his parents/relatives/friends or mutual friends about what has happened. While you will want to maintain a civil relationship with them for the sake of their children, might be a good time to cut the communication back and forth when it comes to him.

While you are beginning to feel good about your life again, which is wonderful, there are going to be some rough times ahead.

Very impressed that you have seen a counsellor, and hope that you keep going even when you feel you don't need to. There is much to work through, and that too, will open up some wounds, but it is necessary along the path to healing.

Please keep posting with your progress, particularly with Christmas coming up. Have you managed to seek out legal council yet?

Hi I know what you are saying Jake, I know it is going to be a rough road ahead and have been tested today already... he has been on the phone to my daughter today and been telling her that he hasn't been stringing me along etc etc but there you go, she and I know different but I will leave it to her to make her own mind up. What did annoy me though that before all this flared up and I found out about him seeing someone, my daughter went to stay with him for the weekend (she is 21) and they were having a discussion about prison wardens and she was getting wound up about something so he said have a word with my friend and she spoke to this woman over the phone who is a physcologist (sp) - since the whole thing happened last week it has been troubling my daughter (she didn't tell me) thinking that this was the other woman and apparently he has confirmed it was and can't understand why my daughter would be bothered by it.

Arghh! Just found out his parents have told him what I have planned for christmas - I have had to ask them not to give him any info about what I am up to - things have changed now, I am trying to take control back now and it has nothing to do with him anymore.

I think I need to set some rules down i.e. the girls can have contact with their dad when they are ready it is up to them and that is fine, but I don't want them/his mum and dad etc talking about me and what I am doing and I won't ask about what he is doing - is this reasonable?

He has always been in control and I have gone along with it, but it is all about me now, I need to take the control and start moving forward.

I still keep having moments when I am thinking about the 2 of them together - that is the painful bit - any ideas how to cope with this?

Other than that, I feel that I have made a small step forward...

Hi Jake

Also forgot to mention, you said about keeping a diary, I think if I try and post on this thread my thoughts and feelings regularly then this trail would be good to read and also any advice that is given to me.

One more question: how do you deal with the fact that he will be explaining to my girls, his mum and dad etc his version of events to justify his actions which put him in a better light etc not the true events?

Another thing is my daughter said to him that if mum hadn't have found out about this other woman he would still have come and stayed for christmas etc with me unaware - he said he would have told me beforehand! Does anybody really think that? I just wish he would be honest or not say anything at all. Anyway, I have to deal with these comments by not reacting and certainly not telling the girls what I think of him. Hmm not easy.

You are a smart woman, you're thinking practically, and you are naturally concerned about the effect of his girlfriend on your daughters.

I think you are handling it well, just let it be clear that you will listen anytime, but draw the line on making any negative comments, or offering your own opinion. They will need to figure this out on their own, but equally important, they know they can talk to you.

In time, with drawing back on personal information to your ex's family, they will not be so prominent- remember they are struggling with this too, and have more questions than answers. But, they have to get what they need from him, not you.

Boundaries- absolutely! This is no different than any other 'problem' that requires good direction, especially to the kids, but to his parents as well.

When they do call, just say that while you appreciate their concern, you have nothing to offer as to what is going on with him, your only concern is for your daughters. Don't get drawn into any conversations to explain yourself or your life, him or his life, or anything to 'make them feel better'; they have to accept this, and not expect you to play the traditional peacekeeper role and communicator.

When you start thinking of them together, sharing such intimacy that was normaly reserved only for you and him, realize that eventually the infatuation will fade. She will be quickly landing in reality mode, and settling down with a man, and be forced to really take a good long look.

What she sees will not be pleasant, and she will have doubts too. He did after all, cheat on his wife, and destroy his family. Being the 'aftermath' of that might not sit well with her when real life takes over.

Because this is so fresh still, these are moments that you are just going to have. You can't avoid them, and you can't stop the thoughts and feelings that accompany them. To put it in perspective, keep a diary going.

You will have weak moments and writing them out will help. You will eventually see that it bothers you less and less and you will also see that you've made it through another day, week, month. Don't ignore the thoughts, write (purge) them on paper, then put the book away until you write in it again.

Don't minimize your success. I see a lot more positive than negative in what you have been doing and thinking.

I see far more who spin in the starting gate and never start moving. Even thinking about the future without their ex leaves them too angry, or confused and hurt, to move even a few baby steps.

Already you are seeing success, and the confidence you attain through your own actions, will only build on more confidence and success. Each day that you work on your life is a leapyear in therapy!

When you get the 'blues' and this hits you out of nowhere, post and write it out. It's good therapy to hear someone say that you are doing very well, you've had a moment, but your life will go on, and you're doing a good job of moving it in a direction you want it to go.

Keep your chin up. You haven't won the race yet, but you will.

I think we're on the same page here, and posted almost at the same time! Lol

As to what he tells his mother, and your girls, is one thing that you will never have any control over. If he chooses to keep his mouth shut (preferable), and his personal business to himself, that would be the best way. More likely he will feel the need to justify because he knows damn well what he did, and does not want to have his family to know the cold hard truth.

As hard as it is, whatever he says, is out of your control. You can only control how you respond, and I agree, saying nothing at all is the only way to deal with it. Be the bigger person, and not respond to what will likely be ridiculous statements to garner sympathy and acceptance.

Hi Jake

Also forgot to mention, you said about keeping a diary, I think if I try and post on this thread my thoughts and feelings regularly then this trail would be good to read and also any advice that is given to me.

One more question: how do you deal with the fact that he will be explaining to my girls, his mum and dad etc his version of events to justify his actions which put him in a better light etc not the true events?

Another thing is my daughter said to him that if mum hadnt have found out about this other woman he would still have come and stayed for christmas etc with me unaware - he said he would have told me beforehand!! Does anybody really think that? I just wish he would be honest or not say anything at all. Anyway, I have to deal with these comments by not reacting and certainly not telling the girls what I think of him. hmm not easy.

If faced with direct questions I would answer them factually and honestly but without giving any opinion on the matter. If the people who are asking are genuinely wanting to understand they will work the rest out for themselves.

If faced with comments that sound like criticism of you, or defence of him, that you don't agree, with I would say something like,'well when people fall out they naturally feel differently about what has happened but there's no point apportioning blame, we both need to move forwards on this.' This is a very polite way of saying you don't agree but you aren't up for playing silly games.

Try not to get tied up in knots about what would have happened 'if this or if that.. ' Just try to deal with what has happened. He didn't tell you before you found out and that was unacceptable but you already know that. Tell him you're not interested in endlessly going over what has already happened or his reasons for it, his behaviour was unacceptable full stop. If he wants an on-going dialogue with you then it needs to be relevant to the situation NOW and honest.

Remember those baby steps, keep them moving forward, it's the only direction to go, no matter how slowly. Don't let your husband or other relatives drag you back.

We are all rooting for you. X

I am sorry about the breakup, but before you can move on you need to accept the reality of your situation. You broke up, it’s over. Let reality sink in. Don’t allow yourself to harbor secret fantasies of getting back together or how he's going to come crawling back to you. Respect that this chapter of your life has closed and tell yourself that you’re going to have to get over it and move on. It didn’t work out and it probably wasn’t meant to be. Accept that fact and move on.

Go the No Contact route and for goodness sake file for divorce - he's been jerking you around long enough. In my opinion he’s saying that although he still likes you and may be atttracted to you that he doesn’t want to be with you. It means he’s 99% sure he doesn’t want to be with you instead of being 100%. He wants to keep you around as a back up plan, in case things don't work out with the new woman. You deserve a man that loves and respects you. Remember - after the storm comes the sun! :p

I am sorry about the breakup, but before you can move on you need to accept the reality of your situation. You broke up, it’s over. Let reality sink in. Don’t allow yourself to harbor secret fantasies of getting back together or how he's going to come crawling back to you. Respect that this chapter of your life has closed and tell yourself that you’re going to have to get over it and move on. It didn’t work out and it probably wasn’t meant to be. Accept that fact and move on.

Go the No Contact route and for goodness sake file for divorce - he's been jerking you around long enough. In my opinion he’s saying that although he still likes you and may be atttracted to you that he doesn’t want to be with you. It means he’s 99% sure he doesn’t want to be with you instead of being 100%. He wants to keep you around as a back up plan, in case things don't work out with the new woman. You deserve a man that loves and respects you. Remember - after the storm comes the sun! :p

Hi I understand what you are saying and you are right it is just very hard, when you say it probably wasn't meant to be seems difficult especially as we have been married over 23 years, I am now 43, and it seems an awful lot of time spent for something that wasn't meant to be, especially when you think it will last forever and especially when they say that you were a fantastic wife, and that he is doing this to free me up and one day I will thank him.

I know I am putting him on a pedestal at the moment but I don't know whether it is because somebody has now got something that was mine, I'm jealous of that I think, also she is slim and I need to lose about 2 stone, she is intelligent, she doesn't have any ties, no kids, never been married in her early 40s and I think she is looking to settle and has pounced on him - I am probably exaggerating and you always think somebody is having a far better time and everything is rosy.

I am improving but then I wake up this morning and feel scared and alone and then start the negative thoughts and think what they may be doing, and think that he has fallen on his feet.

I suppose baby steps - managed to get through yesterday without any tears... just want to get rid of this feeling of loss and rejection.

He was right about one thing. You are too good for him.

It warms my heart seeing how you have gotten better over the course of this thread.

You will get better and better.

Let him know that the door to your house, and to your heart, has been closed. Slammed actually.

All by his own doing.

He is a cheater. And a liar.

You will be fine without him.

He thought he could play house with another woman while he was out of town. He thought that he could put you on the back burner, and keep you there until he saw how this new relationship worked out.

How dare he play with your heart like this?

Yes, it will take time, but you sound like you are off on the right foot.

There's a lot of people here that are ready to help you with the transition.

Go start the new life that you deserve.

God bless you.

He was right about one thing. You are too good for him.

It warms my heart seeing how you have gotten better over the course of this thread.

You will get better and better.

Let him know that the door to your house, and to your heart, has been closed. Slammed actually.

All by his own doing.

He is a cheater. And a liar.

You will be fine without him.

He thought he could play house with another woman while he was out of town. He thought that he could put you on the back burner, and keep you there until he saw how this new relationship worked out.

How dare he play with your heart like this?

Yes, it will take time, but you sound like you are off on the right foot.

There's a lot of people here that are ready to help you with the transition.

Go start the new life that you deserve.

God bless you.


Thank you so much for your response - it takes my breathe away as to how many people want to help and advise me - I wish I could be outside looking in as well, things would be so much clearer - I suppose I have to go through this despair and pain in order to heal but it is so hard when you are living in.

When I went to see a counsellor for the first time last Sunday, he said that although I wouldn't see it now, but to view this as an opportunity - I really hope that I can keep focusing on this, it is all about me now, but unfortunately he is sitting on my shoulder at the moment constantly in my mind, whispering in my ear.

I am trying, really I am, I would love more than anything for this hurt to go away - this thread and everybody contributing to it is helping me more than you know. Thanks again x

Sorry everybody but can I ask another question? When I found out my husband was seeing somebody else, he was saying but we are separated so its okay and that he is happy for me to meet others and who knows what the future will hold. We have been separated for 9 months but we are still legally married - is it fine to do this or am I being a bit naïve? Sorry I have so many questions going around my head.

The decent route to take is to end and I mean finish one relationship and heal from the breakup rather than jumping straight into a new one. It doesn't matter that he left you,the new woman is still his rebound and that's not a good place to be. As for your marriage I think it was meant to be but sometimes things don't last and sadly we have to pick ourselves up and start a new life which doesn't include the ex but which is nevertheless a great opportunity to find a truer happiness.

The decent route to take is to end and I mean finish one relationship and heal from the breakup rather than jumping straight into a new one. It doesnt matter that he left you,the new woman is still his rebound and that's not a good place to be. As for your marriage I think it was meant to be but sometimes things dont last and sadly we have to pick ourselves up and start a new life which doesnt include the ex but which is nevertheless a great opportunity to find a truer happiness.

Thanks for this... I am finding hard to cope today, it upsets me that when in March he left me, that is what he did, he left me with the house, which needs work doing to it, the girls, all the day to day stuff (we still have a joint account and all the post is still sent to the house). He moved in to a 1 bed flat and that is it he went to work until his contract stopped in Oct but didn't have all the every day to day stuff of family life - this doesn't seem to be like living in the real world. Now he has met this woman, he will give her 100% attention without all the usual daily issues of bills, house chores, children hassles - he is living the single life and walked away from everything - I sound bitter and I don't mean to be. Just frustrated and confused. Need to stop these negative thoughts, need to focus on a plan for me, its meant to be all about me now and about taking control - not doing very well today. Obviously not as strong as I thought I could be.

I'd write down a step by step plan-things you want to do to improve your quality of life,for you,to make you feel good. Then do them step by step. I'd also seek legal advice, sort out the bankaccount and all bills and find out about having his mail redirected. We all have low days so the ups and downs are normal. The best thing here is that you have started your road to recovery even if it will take time.

Thanks everybody - I've had a few wobbles today but I am in bed now and have got through another day - Amicon that's a good idea about writing down a step by step plan and I think one of the first things on the list is to get through christmas and new year in one piece, which hopefully, with the help of my family up north, I will be able to. I will keep posting as it is good therapy for me - apologies if I go over things which I have already said before and have been given advice on - like me keep thinking about them two together, it will be just that, that is what I am finding hard to deal with.

Thanks again to everybody, you really are helping me... now where did I put my book, nothing like a good thriller to take your mind off things!

Good idea,reading is one of my favourite things too.
Hope you wake up to a peaceful day.

Once you get yourself through the Christmas season, try to get in to see a Lawyer, and at least find out what your options are. You don't need to feel pressured to make an on the spot decision, but a separation should be a priority.

That is a big step in itself, but the purpose is to figure out the assets, liabilities, child support etc. It is for your protection, and to help you plan your future with the information you need to do so.

I agree with the counsellor that looking at this as an opportunity, rather than a failure, is a positive way to think.

You have the opportunity to decide the direction of your life, and the possibilities are endless.

I hope you keep posting and updating us.

I agree with Jake,you should see your lawyer. At this stage I believe this is necessary and it will help you feel you are in charge of your life.

Thanks - I have woken up a bit sad this morning, just can't get the two of them out of my head and the thoughts of what they may be getting up to is making me feel ill - have to try and refocus my energy but it is hurting.

Try to change these thoughts by getting really busy doing something you enjoy,I don't mean for that to sound like a cliché,but it does work.
Remember he'll be the ultimate loser here, he's lost you.

Try to change these thoughts by getting really busy doing something you enjoy,I dont mean for that to sound like a cliche,but it does work.
Remember he'll be the ultimate loser here, he's lost you.

I don't know about him being the ultimate loser, I think it will probably be me - he has got his version of the ideal woman I think. It is hard dealing with rejection. I have not been in touch with him since I spoke to him on Monday and that is difficult as seeing messages on his FB page, you wouldn't think he had a care in the world. I wish he could understand what he has put me through.

He says I am attractive and that I am wonderful - all platitudes to shut me up.

I don't know what I am going to do - feel very alone.

We shouldn't feel obliged to live up to anyone's idea of perfection,it's a wise choice to be happy being who we are;anyone who expects us to live up to their ideal is selfish and uncaring I think.
Rejection stings but with time that hurt will fade.

We shouldnt feel obliged to live up to anyone's idea of perfection,its a wise choice to be happy being who we are;anyone who expects us to live up to their ideal is selfish and uncaring I think.
Rejection stings but with time that hurt will fade.

I understand what you are saying, I think what I am feeling (apart from feeling sorry for myself) is jealousy. We spent all those years, bringing the girls up etc (they are 19 and 22 now), no time to do the things we wanted to, dividing time between the 4 of us and just when things are getting easier, the girls independent and far less demanding, now we should be enjoying each other and life together - instead that has been taken away from me and he will be doing that with somebody else and that is hard to take. Somebody who doesn't have the history we share and all that we have been through - she will probably seem like a breath of fresh air to him as she has no ties and it will be like dating when teenagers. I have to pull myself out of this, I can feel myself sinking. Sorry for sounding so pathetic.

You're not pathetic-you're in pain. But remember do one thing every day to make you feel good? What will you do today?

Well, you start every day by getting up, and getting busy. Get a list of things you need to do that day, and knock em' off one by one. It's very, very hard to see what looks like moving on and healing from him, yet you are feeling rotten. He looks happy, you aren't. But, he is not unlike anybody else going from a wife to a girlfriend. He has not given himself any time to deal with what he's left in the aftermath, before he hopped into a new relationship.

That brings baggage, and it will only pile up and someday explode. He is the same person, he's just adjusting to a new person, and her to him. When the dust settles, he'll be left scratching his head wondering what the *ell happened.

At at that stage of the game, you will have your independence, and you will have gone through the separation/divorce and acceptance of what has happened. You will be emotionally healthy, strong, and in control of your life. THAT is a goal worth fighting for.

You have so many opportunities and adventures ahead. It's a whole new world for you. You may not be enjoying it yet, but you will.

I doubt you will be alone for long, and everything you are going through now, will only lead to more success down the road. Necessary evil really, but worth the pain for so much gain later on.

You're not pathetic-you're in pain. But remember do one thing every day to make you feel good? What will you do today?

Shaved my legs!

Well, you start every day by getting up, and getting busy. Get a list of things you need to do that day, and knock em' off one by one. It's very, very hard to see what looks like moving on and healing from him, yet you are feeling rotten. He looks happy, you aren't. But, he is not unlike anybody else going from a wife to a girlfriend. He has not given himself any time to deal with what he's left in the aftermath, before he hopped into a new relationship.

That brings baggage, and it will only pile up and someday explode. He is the same person, he's just adjusting to a new person, and her to him. When the dust settles, he'll be left scratching his head wondering what the *ell happened.

At at that stage of the game, you will have your independence, and you will have gone through the separation/divorce and acceptance of what has happened. You will be emotionally healthy, strong, and in control of your life. THAT is a goal worth fighting for.

You have so many opportunities and adventures ahead. It's a whole new world for you. You may not be enjoying it yet, but you will.

I doubt you will be alone for long, and everything you are going through now, will only lead to more success down the road. Necessary evil really, but worth the pain for so much gain later on.

I hope you are right Jake and thanks for taking the time to help. I am so grateful to everybody for the input.

If you weren't married or if you didn't live with my husband you would never see the real him. A perfect example in the past has been that he has been having a blazing row with my daughter (they clash) and he will be up close in her face (she goads him) with spittle coming out of his mouth then the doorbell went, he answered it and it was like hi how are you come in! He can't seem to be himself he has to appear chilled, happy, interested in everybody. If somebody said how was your day he would never say if was flippin sh*te!

I wonder how long he can maintain this with her or perhaps he isn't like that anymore now he has walked away from real life.

I just want to say I really appreciate everybody's help, it is like a drip drip tap, things are slowly sinking in, just feel like I have been bereaved, everything I thought that was going to be my future has been taken away - just need to make a new future, it is difficult when somebody else has always been in control and now I have to do that on my own.

It sounds like he has a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality. As for control, being in charge of our own lives is one of the most liberating feelings there are. You'll grow into it.

Now for the latest saga... just got a text from him saying that he has to go to the dentist near where I live so he is going to call to the house whilst I am at work and drop off some presents and pick up a camera... I don't want him to, I know it is his house but it feels like he is invading my privacy - any ideas on what I should do? Should I just let him?

Is it a joint mortgage? I don't know where you are,where I am-England -if it is a joint mortgage- I don't think you can stop him.

Is it a joint mortgage? I dont know where you are,where I am-England -if it is a joint mortgage- I dont think you can stop him.

I am in the South of england - I probably can't stop him but it is the fact that he will be going to the house when I am not there... it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I understand. Could one of your daughters be there?
Also you could tell him how you feel about it.

I understand. Could one of your daughters be there?
Also you could tell him how you feel about it.

Apart from this the house is a mess because of all that has happened in the last week and I really don't want him to think that I am not coping because I am coping sort of it is just that housework has not been my top priority.

I don't blame you housework is tedious at the best of times-I do think he should respect your wish to not enter the house in your absence.
For legal advice regarding a separation /divorce have you tried The Citizen's Advice Bureau?

I think you should just let him in. If he gets the idea that he's not allowed in his own house, that could just be asking for more trouble.

And, until you get that separation agreement in place, and a date/time that he can pick up his stuff, with you there to make sure it's done right, your hands are tied.

You might let him know to go ahead this time, but he won't be allowed back in until you are home. (and have a separation agreement in your hand)

Thanks for your responses - I have agreed to him coming round tomorrow, he doesn't know that it bothered me - I decided when I got home to clean the house from top to bottom, it just felt that I was on the upper foot for some reason and it also helped me, because I was feeling low because I knew that he would be seeing her tonight as he lives a 2 hour drive away, but has to come over here to the dentist, she lives over here, so put 2 and 2 together... so cleaning has been quite cathartic and I am sat in bed now and feel okay and quite pleased with myself - my eldest helped me to, she understood, my youngest who is 19 doesn't know he is coming round tomorrow and I won't tell her, she is very angry at him and would have been angry at me and not understanding why I would be cleaning.

I am going to go and get some free advice without him knowing - he doesn't want a divorce because he says that as soon as solicitors get involved then it gets nasty even if both sides don't want that.

He has said to me several times that as long as we stay friends and stay amicable he will make sure that I am all right...

So the question is, do I get free advice and see what I am entitled to, keep amicable with him and then see what he comes up with and decide whether that is better than what I am entitled to?

Any advice would be good - although I feel that I have asked for far too much.

Tomorrow night it is my second session at the councillors and then I am staying with good friends of ours for the night.

I am finding I am crying less and less and if I could get rid of the thoughts and jealousy of them two being together and her taking what I thought was my future away then that would be all good.

I dont blame you housework is tedious at the best of times-I do think he should respect your wish to not enter the house in your absence.
For legal advice regarding a separation /divorce have you tried The Citizen's Advice Bureau?

That's where I was thinking of trying first.

You are not obligated to act on any advice you get, so why not go again and see what you can learn.

I'm not sure that if you follow what your ex wants you to do, will last forever, and wouldn't you be further ahead under your own steam anyway?

You are not obligated to act on any advice you get, so why not go again and see what you can learn.

I'm not sure that if you follow what your ex wants you to do, will last forever, and wouldn't you be further ahead under your own steam anyway?

Hi Jake I haven't been for advice yet, I was meaning any more advice from you guys would be good... sorry to confuse x

it's a shame, in many ways, that christmas is coming, could do without it at the moment but I hope that once the festivities are over I can start making some headway... the holiday period will give me time to think of a way forward, just hope I get through it in one piece!

I would most definitely get further legal advice - forewarned is forearmed.

He may declare that he will make sure you're all right - but that sounds rather paternalistic to me. Wouldn't you rather be in control and make informed decisions according to your needs?

There is no guarantee that he has your best interests at heart. Your best interests are best determined by you.

I would most definitely get further legal advice - forewarned is forearmed.

He may declare that he will make sure you're alright - but that sounds rather paternalistic to me. Wouldn't you rather be in control and make informed decisions according to your needs?

There is no guarantee that he has your best interests at heart. Your best interests are best determined by you.

I know you are right - I suppose he has been in control the whole time I have known him - I have accused him in the past of trying to control me...

I am struggling today, I find it really hard to know that he will be calling at the house to collect stuff having spent the night with her.

When he spoke to my daughter (1st time since last Tuesday when we found out about this other woman) he said that he is spending xmas day with this woman because we don't want him to spend time here over christmas now and kept emphasising that it was his house and how he wasn't allowed etc etc What is he playing at? Has he no shame or guilt as to what he is doing... he told her that last Tuesday we were happily chatting and I mentioned the phone bill and he decided to tell me - that is completely untrue and he knows it and my daughter knows it, I rang specifically because I thought something was going on, he tried denying it and then couldn't so had to admit it!

I find it really sad that somebody who you have spent the best part of 26 happy years with can do this, he said he wasn't looking and that this woman was keener on him yeah right!

I need help today (again) I'm afraid. I am starting to focus on him again and need to try and start refocusing on me.

Everybody is really excited about christmas, it is really difficult.

Disregard what he says,his actions speak for themselves. Yes it's an emotional rollercoaster ride,but see that it's a blessing in disguise
I would get busy and set the legal machinery in motion.

Disregard what he says,his actions speak for themselves. Yes it's an emotional rollercoaster ride,but see that its a blessing in disguise
I would get busy and set the legal machinery in motion.

I'm not going to be able to get an appointment with CAB until after christmas but perhaps that is not a bad thing, gives me time to think, get strong and start taking control.

Apart from the times when I am weak and feeling pathetic and thinking about them two together... I need to shift focus. Perhaps I need a fling or a bit of male attention, that would take my mind off things. Ha!

Not sure I am giving out the right signals at the moment though also it would help if I had a social life!

I hope you make an appointment with CAB for as soon as they can fit you in. It will help if you know where you stand from a legal point of view and it will boost your confidence as you will be taken charge of your own life. As for flings-I don't think that's a great idea. Why not just do fun things with your friends and your girls ?

I hope you make an appointment with CAB for as soon as they can fit you in. It will help if you know where you stand from a legal point of view and it will boost your confidence as you will be taken charge of your own life. As for flings-I dont think thats a great idea. Why not just do fun things with your friends and your girls ?

I know you are right but a bit of attention would be nice but yes you are right and its just all talk anyway, I think I would run a mile at the moment.

Well he has probably been and dropped the presents off at the house by now and collected his camera - he is probably dissapointed that there are no presents for him but what can he expect. My eldest daughter did consider leaving the presents she had bought for him (pre discovery of this other woman) to collect but then she said she wouldn't want him opening them when he was with this woman, wouldn't be right.

We have decided to have our own christmas day sometime in January, where we can spend it with just the 3 of us. Over the christmas period I am going up north with my 19 year old and staying there until the 4th Jan, whilst 19 year old will get the train back on the 29th to go out with her friends for NYE. Eldest is spending the time with her boyfriend's family, this is probably the best possible solution for all of us and hence we will be having our christmas day together sometime in Jan.

That's a great plan and I'm sure you'll be able to find enjoyment and contentment over the hols.
I hope the weather changes for when you travel-we have lots of snow here(North Yorks)and more to come.
As for really dating again I think you will know when you are ready to do that.

You need a lawyer, and quick. He is flexing his muscles from the sound of it, with your daughter, over his comments that it is 'his house' etc. implying that he's being the good guy in not going to 'his' house for Christmas. The point being that you are now the bad guy for not letting it happen.

I'd really like to slap him if you don't mind. What happens to a man that he can just get up and do what he did.

If he was unhappy, or feeling he needed something more from life, why couldn't he have talked about it, maybe attended counselling, been honest, and at least tried to save his marriage first.

I would like to see you change the locks on the house, but I know you can't do that. Instead, maybe while you are gone, have a friend or neighbour watch to see if he's gone there, or go in and just take a quick look around.

He will eventually feel that you are benefiting from him being gone, as you have the (most likely) biggest asset, that being the house. Best to take care of legal business as soon as you can.

I think Christmas in January with the three of you is a GREAT idea.

I have been following your post with interest, and the others are right about you taking full control of your life, by first handling your business and finding out about your rights, and then doing the legal best to get things defined in writing, and being free of this guy, and his mid life crisis.

Enough is simply enough, of this emotional roller coaster and living in limbo, and its time to accept his stupidity, and stop being dependent on him for anything else in life.

The way I see it, half of everything is yours, and you should use it to rebuild a life that you enjoy, without him in it, nor have a say in what you do.

Handle your business for now, and cry later if you must. You clearly need legal advice. Get it soon as possible, and plan from a position of strength, based on facts, and knowledge, of what all your options are.

He sounds happy to me, and so should you have the same thing.

I found this website which looks quite helpful-www.terry.co.uk.
All the best.

I have been following your post with interest, and the others are right about you taking full control of your life, by first handling your business and finding out about your rights, and then doing the legal best to get things defined in writing, and being free of this guy, and his mid life crisis.

Enough is simply enough, of this emotional roller coaster and living in limbo, and its time to accept his stupidity, and stop being dependent on him for anything else in life.

The way I see it, half of everything is yours, and you should use it to rebuild a life that you enjoy, without him in it, nor have a say in what you do.

Handle your business for now, and cry later if you must. You clearly need legal advice. Get it soon as possible, and plan from a position of strength, based on facts, and knowledge, of what all your options are.

He sounds happy to me, and so should you have the same thing.

Thanks Talaniman - you are right with what you are saying, I just wish I could get him out of my head and start moving forward, it is just really difficult at the moment.

Apologies in advance - you must be getting bored of listening to me by now...

A bit of an update... I am up north, got here on 22nd and stayed at his mum and dads until yesterday and now I am at my sisters. He called at the house with the presents and sent me a text to say how lovely the house was (I made sure it was spotless as was determined not to let him think that I couldn't cope) and he mentioned that he was now going up north to stay with his parents for christmas day (he was meant to be staying with this woman) - I am not sure whether he is still seeing her as he said something like he needed to sort things out and that they weren't exactly an item - I know, I shouldn't ask... I have been feeling really low, it just all seems so sad. It is better that I am with my family during the christmas period, but it is still really difficult and I still can't stop thinking about him - how do I move forward with my life? How long will it be like this? How do I stop focusing on him all the time?

He is off on holiday tomorrow for 3 weeks, staying with some mutual friends and after that he has a possible 6 month contract in Geneva - I suppose during that time he won't be seeing her...

I feel like I am in mourning - how do I change my mindset and start thinking positive - feel like I am going backwards...

You are mourning the death of your marriage so your feelings are normal at this stage.
I would suggest you have minimum contact with him.
After the holidays you can set the legal machinery in motion . That will give you something to focus on.

I agree with amicon, it is mourning. Any significant loss, not just death, puts you into that mourning state. It isn't something you can fight, or speed through. Nature has a way of allowing us to heal, one day at a time. Eventually you will feel better, and the results will allow you to truly move on.

But those are just words, and at the moment, that isn't going to make you feel better. What you accomplish in the future isn't going to help you feel better about today.

Interesting that he's not spending this time with his g/f, and he says they aren't exactly an 'item' anymore.

Thank you both for your replies, I suppose I just have to go through the mourning process and hopefully start to heal soon.

It is interesting that he is not spending time with her, I have tried to ask and he says it is something he needs to deal with and won't go in to detail with me but said what he sorts out isn't a bad thing for me - whatever that means... although why I should be interested in whether they are together or not I don't know - he has been with somebody else and that should be enough for me to not to want to have anything more to do with him... instead I am hoping that they are not together and that there might be a chance for us! Flippin mad!

I need to stop focusing on him!

I think it is natural for you to be wondering what his words mean, and it wouldn't be the first time a man or woman has left their relative spouses, only to find out it was the biggest mistake they'd ever made their entire lives.

It isn't beyond possibility that could have happened, but, not enough information. For now, maybe tuck that thought in the very back of your brain, and plan to move forward with things you have already planned.

I am feeling desperately low and sad - I want to get him and what he might be up to with whoever out of my head - any tips? How do I not care anymore? Why can't I turn the focus onto me - why am I not thinking that I am worth that effort? Sorry!

Of course you're worth it! You need to make plans and keep busy doing things that lift your mood.
And accept that feeling low is normal but that as the days go by you will feel better.
Work actively to turn your life around-dont put it on hold for him HE s not worth it.

We humans tend to have them feeling when we have been hurt. It sucks for sure.

We humans tend to have them feeling when we have been hurt. It sucks for sure.

It certainly does talaniman - have you got a magic cure you could give me? I am in so much pain - feel like I am right back where I started when he said he wanted to end the marriage.

Of course youre worth it! You need to make plans and keep busy doing things that lift your mood.
And accept that feeling low is normal but that as the days go by you will feel better.
Work actively to turn your life around-dont put it on hold for him HE s not worth it.

I know he isn't worth it - I am putting him on a pedestal, and this other woman who happens to be slimmer and in my eyes prettier! Why am I intent on hurting myself?

You were dealt a fresh blow when you found out about her,and that opened up the wound again.
Only you can heal yourself even though the support of others who care is very important.
Find some anger and use that to move forward.
He's not a god,he's a human being with human flaws and he's hurting you.

You were dealt a fresh blow when you found out about her,and that opened up the wound again.
Only you can heal yourself even though the support of others who care is very important.
Find some anger and use that to move forward.
He's not a god,he's a human being with human flaws and he's hurting you.

I know - you are right and as ever I receive wise words here but... why can't I listen to them, why do I keep hoping? Its pathetic and so am I! He doesn't deserve all this energy I am wasting on him - he has spoiled so many peoples lives lately... it was is mum and dads 50th wedding anniversary the other weekend and they planned on a big fanily get together and he spoilt it so it doesn't just affect me... I still can't stop thinking of him and her...

Poor his parents as well-try training your mind to switch your thoughts to something pleasant instead. It can be done-watching comedies and reading amusing books do as well, walks-sitting by the sea-anything you enjoy doing-you need to keep busy.

The thing about pain is that you have to feel it. Sorry solow, but there is no magic wand.

We live in an age where we want an instant response to anything we desire but some feelings just have to be experienced. May I make a suggestion?

Accept that you're feeling desperate, emotional, unhappy, obsessed.

Accept that you loved your husband, but that he had a relationship with someone else.

Accept that everything is uncertain and the future is unclear.

Accept that you're grieving, but that you not quite sure what the outcome will be.

Indulge in the obsessive thoughts if you need to - eventually, it's like eating too much chocolate - you'll get sick of it and it will make you nauseous.

If you just allow yourself to accept what is happening and what you're feeling, instead of desperately trying to find a solution or a cure - then surprisingly, you'll feel sort of better. You'll still feel sad, unhappy, etc, but you'll understand that this is what you are meant to feel.

I suggest you get a couple of boxes of tissues, a couple of really sad movies and bawl your eyes out. Really howl. Allow yourself to physically express all the sadness and desperation. Tell yourself it's OK, and just 'be'.

Well he has now decided to tell me that he has ended it with this woman as he doesn't want a heavy relationship and that she is very upset!! Why tell me she is very upset and also why should she be if it is something that happened just recently (last couple of months) and he had made it clear from the start that he didn't want a commitment or heavy relationship.

What did he hope to achieve by telling me? Answers on a postcard.

I'm glad you posted solow, been wondering how you are doing.

My advice to you is not be an ear to his girly problems. He has been used to having you so long to address any problems with, but this is certainly not something that has anything whatsoever to do with you.

Let him talk to his mother or friends, or a counsellor, and make it clear you don't want to be his sounding board, and then don't talk about it. Change the subject.

Actually, when he does say things like this, stop him in mid-sentence, and tell him straight- you need to talk to a professional. Repeat as necessary, but don't take this crap from him.

Another angle might be he is trying to elicit sympathy as a way of downplaying his role in the relationship with her. If he makes her look really bad, people might understand why he left her and feel sorry for him. Don't bite that either.

One more theory is that this might be his way of saying that YOU weren't like HER, and maybe he is starting to re-think all of it?

I would be cordial for the sake of the kids, but in no way participate in his pitty party, manipulation or finger pointing.

Take the high road here.

He told you because he want you to make it better or make it go away. He is not used to having to clean up his own messes and he needs a safe mental place. As long as you have feelings for him and hope for a future with thim, you are his safe place.

Twenty three years is along time. I think he needs counseling. Duh... its obvious. But I would not take him back until he is fixed. And he has a lot of work to do.

Good luck

You're a lot better than me as I wouldn't even be talking to him.

Thanks for your comments everybody... I believe or used to believe what he tells me is/was true - didn't have reason not to, but now I don't know... for her to be so upset about them finishing after such a short relationship leads me to believe that he wasn't telling me the truth and that it has been going on for much longer than he said - but why not tell me that in the first place, it's a bit like when he couldn't tell me our marriage had ended (still cant) and that he wouldn't tell me whether they were or were not still seeing each other still - doesn't he realise how much more hurtful he is being by not being straight?

I really don't know why I haven't stopped the contact with him - I think I need to head that way for my own sanity and just speak about light things like our girls, bills etc.

For one day I would just like not to think about him or what he is up to etc.

It could very well be that they had been involved for much longer than he has admitted. When he finally made the step to move in with her, was probably after a lot of planning, and time.

But, it is still all the same ball of wax. If he was with her one month, a year, six months, he still made the decision to bail on you.

He's not going to be honest unless it suits his needs, about anything. You have no way of telling if he's telling the truth, and it is totally understandable why you would doubt anything that comes out of his mouth.

That's why it might be better for you to not discuss his life, after he left. As much as you'd like to know the detail, try your best not to be drawn into it. You'll only end up with more questions, and you won't feel any better.

He will start showing a little more respect for boundaries when he gets a letter from your lawyer.

Solow,
I think you are doing impressively well. This is an awful time of year for all this to play out. The advice that Jake and Gemini and others have been giving you all sounds good to me. Your husband is behaving unbelievably selfishly. He seems to think he can come and go in the marriage as he pleases. Keep yourself respect. You were right when you said that doing things and taking charge reduces depression and feelings of helplessness. That's always the case.

Not sure if this is helpful, but my former sister in law's husband moved out and lived with another woman (a student; he is a professor) for eight months. At the end of 8 months, he broke up with the other woman and went home to his wife, and 15 years later, they are still married. He stopped going to reunions of her family, so I haven't seen him since. I assume he's ashamed. The strangest thing to me is that his wife told no one this was happening until it was all over and he was back home. Her sister says even she didn't know that he had moved out. I don't think I would take someone like that back.

If your husband asks to come home, be ready with some answer, even if it is just, "I'll have to think about that."

Thanks everybody for your comments, I really do appreciate them and I know it looks as if I am going around in circles and I probably am but being able to post on here and having people give advice really is helping me - also being able to look back at mine and your posts helps enormously too so thanks everybody x

Well it is Sunday evening and I will be heading home in the morning, back down South... slightly anxious as I know I need to do an awful lot of work on myself and start liking myself again, then hopefully everything else will follow. I have only spoken to him about general things i.e. nothing about our marriage, his mixed messages, her etc. I am not going to try and make sense of anything anymore or try and understand. I am going to live for the "now" from now on.

I can't control anything that he has/will do - it needs to be all about me now - I am not going to let him hurt and upset me anymore - I will not allow it, I have let him do that for the last 12 months and I will not allow it to happen anymore.

I just hope I have the strength to do all of the above - life is for living, for the last 12 months I have just been existing and allowing somebody else to control me - not anymore I am taking back the control.

I know it won't be easy and will still need advice from you guys, but with your help hopefully 2010 will prove to be a year when I shine and when I am finally proud to be me.

You are so right that you cannot control anything that he has/will do. Worrying or anticipating his next move or phone call, will just keep your head spinning with 'what ifs'.

Keep as busy as you can, and enjoy whatever you do for yourself, fully. Have you considered keeping a diary? Day to day, you can see your progress.

You'll have good and bad days, but far more good than bad as you venture through this new life you are creating for yourself.

Keep us posted.

Solow I hope you're feeling a bit better now that the holidays are over.
Keep us posted.

Hi sorry but not feeling good at the moment and have been poorly with a cold, I drove back from up North on Monday and now feel really flat, all my family were up there, now I am down South with no relatives apart from my girls.

He is on holiday and to look and read on his Facebook pages you wouldn't think he has a care in the world.

Also she keeps putting comments on there and that is a constant reminder.

How do I get rid of this feeling of emptyness and how do I take that first step of moving forward?

You keep him alive in your thoughts, by following what he is doing on Facebook. Stop it!!

Sorry about your cold,hope it's on its last legs. You need to stop checking out FB.pure torture,so stay off it.
Have you been in touch with CAB yet?

You keep him alive in your thoughts, by following what he is doing on facebook. Stop it!!!

I know... I'm stupid!

You're not stupid but there comes a time when you have to start moving on and actively start the healing process.
You need to accept that the only changes that will come about are the ones you,yourself,make.

You're not stupid but there comes a time when you have to start moving on and actively start the healing process.
You need to accept that the only changes that will come about are the ones you,yourself,make.

I know you are both right - I go and see my counsellor tomorrow and hopefully will feel more positive after that... I have a few self help books which I need to start reading again also - I know what I need to do, I suppose it is all about me letting go and accepting the situation too.

I know I need to stop looking at his Facebook as I am torturing myself and keeping him in my thoughts - I have never felt so hurt and betrayed by anybody before and sometimes I just can't believe how we have got to this stage and how he can carry on without a care in the world when I am hurting so much.

He just doesn't understand what I am/have gone through and doesn't understand why I should feel so hurt about him going with somebody else and why it hurts me when she keeps bl**dy popping up on Facebook.

I need to move forward, I promised myself that I would do this on NYE, so I really need to keep that promise, as well as myself, I owe it to my girls and all the people that care for me so much.

Thanks for being patient with me x

He can do this because he has already moved on and as painful as it is so must you.
Again, I would strongly advice you to look into your financial status and I would,were this my situation,file for divorce.
There's no need to put up with this anylonger.

He can do this because he has already moved on and as painful as it is so must you.
Again, I would strongly advice you to look into your financial status and I would,were this my situation,file for divorce.
There's no need to put up with this anylonger.

I know, everything you are saying is correct, I suppose if I do this it is then acknowledging that this is the end and accepting that my marriage is over and that there is no going back...

I said to him the other day that I just wished that he had been clear with me that our marriage had ended - he said he didn't know it had...

I don't think I should go through 2010 like this - I don't deserve it - and yes I have to start getting strong and start making decisions for me.

Acceptance is the first step,for you,accepting that is's over and starting to act accordingly,looking after your own best interests and those of your children.
What he says doesn't matter-his actions speak volumes.

Your situation is heart wrenching. It is difficult to cut ties you have known for 22 years, without explanation and you are only left with pain and confusion.

I think the hardest step is Acceptance, admitting to everyone that you don't even want to hope anymore. What he did was disrespect you and announce that you care more about him than he ever cared about you. This is the hardest step for you to come to terms with your grief.

You have had additional time to wrap your head around the idea that your marriage is over, now you have to take the steps, because eventually your head will convince your heart.

These are very weak times, I hope that everyone already has recommended reading the stickies at the top of the page. Start a list, listing what he has done to hurt/disrespect you. When you remember good times and feel blue, pull out that sheet as a reminder of the pain and need to keep pushing forward.

You could never have saved this relationship alone and you don't have a partner in this anymore. Acceptance will help you stop looking to your fantasy ending and face a new brighter ending that is all about you.

Your situation is heart wrenching. It is difficult to cut ties you have known for 22 years, without explanation and you are only left with pain and confusion.

I think the hardest step is Acceptance, admitting to everyone that you don't even want to hope anymore. What he did was disrespect you and announce that you care more about him than he ever cared about you. This is the hardest step for you to come to terms with your grief.

You have had additional time to wrap your head around the idea that your marriage is over, now you have to take the steps, because eventually your head will convince your heart.

These are very weak times, I hope that everyone already has recommended reading the stickies at the top of the page. Start a list, listing what he has done to hurt/disrespect you. When you remember good times and feel blue, pull out that sheet as a reminder of the pain and need to keep pushing forward.

You could never have saved this relationship alone and you don't have a partner in this anymore. Acceptance will help you stop looking to your fantasy ending and face a new brighter ending that is all about you.

I know, you are right and all the time I am hurt and in this dark tunnel he is acting like he hasn't got a care in the world and is out there living! So who's the fool? Me!

You,as a person,are not defined by his actions,only by your own. Show yourself,by acting in your own best possible interests,that you are a capable,strong lady who will get through this.

Look up web site www.marriagebuilders.com
Infidelity part
You will definitely relate and know what to do
Be brave.