Ive been with the most wonderful man for over one year and we've known each other as best friends for 3. He is one extraordinary man and I don't think I can see myself with anyone else. If I do not smarten up he will leave me because he's getting very annoyed with me, naturally anybody would at my stupidity.

It has gotten to the point he is scared to tell me about any other female, or watching a hot girl on TV, or anything remotely of that decent. Even looking at pictures of women in magazines. As far as I know I'm attractive and athletic. I was like this in my previous relationship, the guy could not take it and left me.

I do not know why this is happening seeing how I'm very outgoing, people like to be in my company, but my jealousy and insecurity is making me rotten :mad:

I almost have a heart attack if I think he's around somebody hot and checking them out. Or watching porn or someone naked on TV.

I do not know how to bring up my faith and self confidence to the level of being a woman in a relationship and not caring if he man is watching porn and if anyone else turns him on but me.
I seem to have and be everything that would help somebody in my situation, therefore I have no idea why this is occurring.


p.s BTW
He's the most respective man I have ever met


Thank you very much for the advices

You get this way because the insecurities you have. However, your on the right track of realizing this flaw but now you need to work on it.

There are plenty of self help books out there and counseling might be a good thing too (especially since this behavior have ruin your relationships in the past).

How do you view yourself? I know other people have told you that your pretty but how you view yourself matters the most.

I agree with Liz, the first step in dealing with a problem is acknowledging that you have one.

So, do something about it. I would suggest seeing a counselor, self help books are great to give you an insight into why you behave this way, but if you've already lost a BF due to jealously, you probably need some one-to-one contact with a professional.

Strong jealously like you describe is frequently based on fear - fear of not being good enough, fear of loss, fear of abandonment. In order for you to live a happy and peaceful life, and for others to enjoy you as a person, you'll need to get to the bottom of your obsessive and self destructive behavior. Start now! Good luck.

Ok, I am more old school and I believe the power is within you to relieve the grip that jealousy has on you. Have you talked to him about this? If you make him aware of what you are feeling maybe he can help you find out why you feel this way. You cannot go into this with fear of discovering things you may not want know. Love is work, and sometimes the hardest part of it is communication. Just remember, we can't chose who we fall in love with, but we can chose to walk away from those who do not love us back. If he truly loves you, he will work with you on this, which will help build up the trust that you are lacking in the relationship.

Threads merged

I have a tendency to nag and complain about things that bother me. I keep bea.ching about it to my boyfriend, it really bothers him but at he same time I have no idea how to shut up. Do I just think differently about other people and situations at work or just keep my mouth shut?

You stop and think before opening mouth.
Think what is the purpose of me saying this?
How will he take what I am saying?
Does he already know how I feel about this?

Learn to pick your battles.

You could even tell him that you want help to stop so would he please say something to stop you in your tracks if you start. Like ''time out let me explain before you go off'' or something like that.

Hi, flowerybeauty!

N0help4u has already given you some excellent suggestions! I'm wondering what the things are that you nag and complain about, please?

Thanks!

I complain about the people at work, nag and ask questions about people that my boyfriend talks to, we work together so if I get attitude from someone that he is very nice and pleasant to( female) I ask him who the hell does she think he is in a nagging tone, he gets very angry and annoyed

Nohelp is right, learn when to shut up, and think first.

Acceptance is the first step. You know that you have a problem. You've gotten some great advice on how to change the problem. Now it's up to you to take the next step and put a strong effort to stop nagging, stop gossiping, and to learn to build a closer more trusting relationship with your boyfriend. Guys don't want to date their Mom's, you nagging him makes him look at you like his mom. Not good.

i complain about the people at work, nag and ask questions about people that my bf talks to, we work together so if i get attitude from someone that he is very nice and pleasant to( female) i ask him who the hell does she think he is in a nagging tone, he gets very angry and annoyed

Hmm just something I picked up on sounds like you may be a bit of the jealous type too? Or am I wrong? Just curious because you have to remind yourself that he can't help the fact that you may not get along with someone that he does. I don't necessarily like all of my husbands friends or coworkers (a few imparticular) but as long as they aren't hurting our relationship or us in any way then I'd never try to keep him from them or cause problems.. it's immature and selfish in general.

Threads merged, so you don't have to start a new one about the same topic.

I would like some honest opinions and don't worry about being too harsh on me. The more truthful the better. I am what most people would call athletic, attractive with good communication skills. In relationships I am completley out of my mind jealous and insecure. I have known my boyfriend as a friend for about 3 years and been dating for half that time. He got very fed up with my insecurities and left me, and he said when your ready to grow up, call me. He is my best friend and I have no idea what to do. We have taken couple days off after an argument but this surely does not feel like it. I also work for him and I don't think ill be coming in to work for my shift.
I have no idea how long this thing is going to take, and because of my insecurities I am extremely scared during this time he will find somebody else. He is an amaing person and the reason he gets upset at my behaviour is because he truly is innocent. Does not check anybody out in front of me blah blah blah.

Example of my behaviour, I get extremely upset and grumpy if we walk into a restaurant and there are lots of beautful women around and he looks around. I have no idea why I beome like this further into the relationship, because I did not start like this.

Since my last boyfriend and I broke up because of the same reason I really don't want to lose this one like this.

Please, I really need some advice on how to handle this during my busy and strssfull life. Even though I go to school and have 3 jobs I still find the time to cry over how insecure I am as a girlfriend. Will it ever go away? I do want to have a family and lead a happy family life.

P.s I am 21 and he is 34


Just a quick thank you in advance

Stay confident!!

Do not give in to impulses like that. Take your time, and think, before you act, or speak.

Figure out why you feel that way.

Take some time and some deep breaths.

You can't control his actions. Trying to only puts strain on the relationship as you have learned.

You can sit down with yourself and really think about your insecurities, how they got started, what triggers them, and why. Maybe take a piece of paper and write them down. Beside each one think of a way to stop those thoughts before they get started. You're going to have to learn how to be pro-active instead of re-active.

You may have to go back to childhood to figure out why you have some of the insecurities that you do and why they come up only in committed relationships.

I am the last person people would consider as insecure, I have no idea how to wrap my finger around why I get very jealous and insecure when it comes to other women around my boyfriend

Is he the one 10 years older than you? How old are you two, if you don't mind me asking?

Insecurity plagues a LOT of couples and a LOT of people in general. It is something you need to work on. There has to be a happy medium between you, him and the relationship in general.

I would suggest getting to the root of your insecurity problems. This isn't an overnight fix and it is something that must be worked on with effort and determination. Talk to a counselor or other friends. People who have the same problem, whatever you have to do to fix it. It is not abnormal at all. It just takes time to fix.

I hate to say this, but you're not ready for a relationship. You're so fixated on finding someone to be with you that you neglect the one person that matters: "YOU"

You need to spend some time working on yourself. Building some self-esteem and confidence. Until you are comfortable with yourself, you shouldn't avoid the dating scene so that you don't bring your insecurities with you.

How do you go about at starting over at building up yourself esteem?

1) Try reading some self-help books: The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews (http://www.books4selfhelp.com/)

2) Seeing a counsellor.

3) Going out more and meeting new people. Interacting with more people (without the thought of a potential significant other, because that is just tension, purely platonic). Practice makes perfect. So the more you interact with people, the more comfortable you will feel.

4) Keep your head up and try to think positively!

5) Smile more!

You can build self esteem by having a life that you enjoy without your partner. Then your happiness is tied to what you do, and not who your with.

You have to be happy with yourself, so you can share that with others. Another way to build self esteem, is to be your own person, and love yourself for who you are. Being proud of the things you do, and what you stand for.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man and he's a lot older then me but somehow we have done okay for 2 years. We were friends before we dated so I kow him pretty well. He respects us so much he has never checked another women out.

Therefore, so far, its all m fault in the arguments that we get in.

I am desperate for some helpful advice or else he is going to leave me for sure this time. We have many fights and he tried to leave me twice but we ended up missing each other after 1 week.

I was in my own comfortable bubble of knowing where what and with who my boyfriend or my close ones were. I never knew it was a big deal until my boyfriend pointed out to me that I took away his individuality.

If I don't know where he is or what he s doing I go out of my mind.

Is there any way to get this control freak out of me without seeking counseling from a therapist?

My ex and I would usually be home if not together... If not then with family out but we would text. Eventually when she knew I wasn't around, she would go out. First she said she was in church in Jersey with her family and another time she was out with a friend in front of her house. Then it got to the last time where she stood out allll night not caring that I was worried. So I guess some people will say that's my jealousy problem, but based on the relationship we had, I say it was very disrespectful. So if things are going as usual and he is out at the same place then I would just trust him. If things happen to change weekly and he doesn't let you know then I'd say you have a problem like I did. I really wish she didn't betray me and go behind my back especially since we spoke out it before... but she broke me. Then I guess since I did it back, she broke us. I am still dealing with it. I'm sure there is a reason for all this happening to me. I will see it soon. You can only trust him if he hasn't given you any reason to not trust him... My problem was anywhere she didn't want me to go, or I wasn't around, was where her exs were... Its too much to analyze so I'm just trying to accept it now. Good luck.

I'm dating a fantastic guy, he is very respectful of women and never looks them up and down. He does not even do it to me. We have a great relationship if nothing comes in between, then we argue and lalala like other relationships.

He got a laptop and I got curious so I checked out what we were going on. I saw a little bit of normal porn, only a few links BUT it bothered me so much that a year later he wants to get another laptop and I feel like crying.

I think I'm a good looking women but for some reason I cannot even think about him sitting in his room and watching porn... hes the best man I've ever met and I cannot deal with this.

I want to be able to think about this and say to myself "oh, its just porn, no biggie!"

How do people do that? Do they work at it or is it just personality?

When he told me that he is going to get another laptop since his broke about half a year ago... the first imagine popped up in my mind was him watching porn and I almost started crying.


Please, need all the help I can get

Thank you in advance

Yes.

ALL men watch porn. There's no reason to get into the reasons because there are many and it's not important. It's the same as eating, farting, burping or even picking his nose. He does it and so does every other guy.

You just have to deal with it.

Guys are visual creatures. Just because he watches porn doesn't mean he loves you less. Unless of course it is beginning to ruin your sex lives, your pocketbook and his job.

It's no big deal, unless he is addicted to porn.

Its no ruinging anything, everything is amazing, but for some reason I just feel uncomfortable when I thinking that he is sitting there and watching it

Well all you can do is control your mind. Keep it to yourself before you make a mess out of something perfect and then you regret it in the future. If its not a problem between the two then deal with this yourself. Its good to keep a good relationship. When you get sad just come back here instead of telling him. We will help you through this. Just try to stop it because humans are humans. At least the two of you are together! Don't end up like everyone else here struggling with break ups. Stay strong and good luck!

I don't think it's a big deal.. he's with you not the girls in the movies, just let him have his liittle fantasy's because it isn't never going to happen lol.
And can I say not 'all' men watch porn, because my man doesnt:D he's just not interested its all fake anyway!

If he is so wonderful, why did you feel you had to go into his laptop? Some things are not ours to investigate. Does he snoop through your things?

No, not all men look at porn. But there is a very high percentage that does. I do, sometimes. It does not make me love my wife any less. I simply adore my wife, and she does not have a problem with it.

As J-9 stated, men are visual. Most men enjoy looking at the female form. It is a type of art if tastefully done.

I think you might need to figure out why you are having a problem with your boyfriend getting a laptop. Are you insecure? A computer provides many services. And looking at porn might take up half of a percent of his time.

That's like dating someone who has a weight problem, and getting upset that they are getting a new car, because they may use it to drive to the ice cream shop.

All you need to know is that he is wonderful, and he loves you. You will ruin this relationship if don't get over this.

What type of guy will you end up with if you don't just let it go?

My partner wants to buy a laptop soon.
I have no doubt he will use it to look up porn.

As long as he looks at it when I am not home or busy then that is fine by me... our relationship is great, he can't help it if he is horny when I am not home and needs to have a look at porn to fulfil his urges, granted I am usually bombarded with messages begging me to send him a photo of myself but he is usually denied that :p
He gets points for trying though.

As long as your relationship and sex life is good then I wouldn't worry about it at all...
Have you ever looked at a billboard or a guy in a magazine and thought "he looks good"... same thing, guys just like to see the 'whole package" whereas us girls are more satisfied with just a guy with his shirt off.

It's pretty normal behavior, nothing is wrong with that. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Better porn than cheating lol.

Hi.

I have a suggestion: watch porn with him.

That way you can see what it is he likes and maybe even reenact them. Be his porn star.

You shouldn't get jealous or whatever it is that you feel. He's basically jacking off to a screen. The porn stars don't know who he is, besides most of them wish they weren't there and they get paid to do it [unless of course he's watching homemade stuff]. Either way, it's his hand that's pleasing him no their vaginas.

...well that's what I think.
Sarah

People, please quit checking out other's person mails, emails, laptop etc. Where is the privacy?

I understand how you feel flowerbeauty with the porn. It is an addiction, and it makes you feel they have to look at someone else instead of you, that your not enough. That was the breaker of my relationship a few years ago, because it never left me, and it was a constant thorn in my side. IT caused us arguments, and I sympathize with you, it just makes you feel horrible...

I understand how you feel flowerbeauty with the porn. It is an addiction, and it makes you feel they have to look at someone else instead of you, that your not enough. That was the breaker of my relationship a few years ago, because it never left me, and it was a constant thorn in my side. IT caused us arguments, and I sympathize with you, it just makes you feel horrible...

Just because someone takes a drink, that does not make them an alcoholic. That goes for porn too. Yes, porn is addictive, and they have support groups for it, but I don't think this is the case at all. She said there were a couple of sites, normal stuff. If someone is a porn ADDICT, there would be several sites, with various levels of pornographic material on them. I just think that this is a regular guy who likes to peek at some naked ladies from time to time.

This is this particular guy's PERSONAL BUSINESS. It never would have been an issue. It was brought to light by someone going through his things. That's what this is all about.

A porn addiction would have been blatantly obvious to her.

People need, and deserve, some sort of privacy. This is a matter of respect. And lack of.

jmjoseph I agree with you completely.

I couldn't rate because I need to spread the rep.

Like J_9 said: "Unless of course it is beginning to ruin your sex lives, your pocketbook and his job." I see no problem.

I don't know if this helps, but I watch porn. I'm certainly not addicted to it. Sometimes I watch it daily, or a few times a day, sometimes I watch it a few times a week, and sometimes I go a month without it.

Porn is not the problem, it's lack of self control!

Sarah

I wonder how the guys would like it if the roles were reversed and she was looking at naked guys, it wouldn't bother him. I think it would.. its a reaction and it bothers some girls... I completely understand how she feels...

I wonder how the guys would like it if the roles were reversed and she was looking at naked guys, it wouldn't bother him. I think it would..its a reaction and it bothers some girls...I completely understand how she feels...

I disagree.

Guys whom I have dated and or known are NOT bothered by "their women" watching porn, in fact they are actually happy about it. It opens doors to experiences and great bedroom adventures.

I'm a woman and I'm pro porn.


Sarah

Everyone is different! It just happens to bother her... I am sure if you dug deeper into a lot of guys computers they are ADDICTED to it..

Everyone is different!! It just happens to bother her....I am sure if you dug deeper into alot of guys computers they are ADDICTED to it..

This may have been your problem. But by and large, this is not the case.

Oh, BTW... my husband gets very aroused if he walks in the room and sees me watching porn.

This may have been your problem. But by and large, this is not the case.

Oh, BTW....my husband gets very aroused if he walks in the room and sees me watching porn.

Shouldn't he getting aroused by seeing you instead of other girls on the sites?

Shouldn't he getting aroused by seeing you instead of other girls on the sites?

Of course he does! But porn is a way to add excitement to the bedroom. Just as toys are. It's just a video toy.

Everyone is different!! It just happens to bother her....I am sure if you dug deeper into alot of guys computers they are ADDICTED to it..

Oh yea. That's like saying women are addicted to MAKEUP. Let's look in your drawers or makeup bag. How many mascaras do you have? Lip loss? Eyeliners? Eye shadow?

Or how about shoes? How many pairs of shoes do you have? How many have you bought in the past year?


Really common' now, that is just plain silly.

It may bother the OP now and guess what she can either learn to deal with it or dump this guy because of it. Then go through it again and again. I don't know too many "good" guys that would give up porn completely for a girl. In fact that would be idiotic. Usually that's when they start sneaking around with the porn and then you truly get hurt because of the decit.

Porn will always be very controversial and I don't expect us to agree with each other, but I don't think it's right to keep feeding her "fear".

...meh that's what I think anyways.

Sarah

If you really can't handle it, then find some other guy who's into something else other than porn. Some guys focus more on sports, drinking with guy friends, or golf or something else. However, if you think the problem is with you, then you need to channel you thought to something else. Maybe find a hobby, so you keep yourself away from the laptop. Or get a pet to keep yourself focused on animals, instead.

I wonder how the guys would like it if the roles were reversed and she was looking at naked guys, it wouldn't bother him. I think it would..its a reaction and it bothers some girls...I completely understand how she feels...

This particular guy( ME) is secure enough as to not care one bit.


Everyone is different!! It just happens to bother her....I am sure if you dug deeper into alot of guys computers they are ADDICTED to it..

Labeling someone an addict should take a little more knowledge and understanding.


Shouldn't he getting aroused by seeing you instead of other girls on the sites?

And how do you know that he DOESN'T.

You're trying to fix something that isn't broken now.

This particular guy is secure enough as to not care one bit.

Darn I can't greenie you.

[] <-there?

Sarah

BS. Yes, guys may watch porn when they are single (not everyone, though you might hear otherwise). However, if you are in a relationship with a guy and you ask him to stop watching/looking at porn, he better do it. Otherwise he is not good enough for you. You want a guy that can respect women as people, and not reduce them to objects. If he cannot respect what is a massive part of your identity then he cannot truly respect you.

I think when they are single, porn is a bit different, because the motivations seem more like loneliness rather than pure lust. I'm not excusing it, but I can't condemn it because I know when my girlfriend dumped me I did things like drink even though I was previously against it.

You should talk to him about it first though. If he likes you enough, he'll stop because he knows it is hurting you. If he doesn't, what is your future with him anyway.

And this is coming from a guy.

This goes beyond him looking at porn to your own insecurities. Your previously merged threads:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/being-controlling-412859.html

Have you finally gotten over thinking every beautiful woman in a restaurant wants him when he walks in the door?

Have you been working on your controlling issues?

I look forward to this thread being added to the others and ask that you please follow the advice given multiple times before and keep all of these questions in one thread so that we can keep up with your story.

BS. Yes, guys may watch porn when they are single (not everyone, though you might hear otherwise). However, if you are in a relationship with a guy and you ask him to stop watching/looking at porn, he better do it. Otherwise he is not good enough for you. You want a guy that can respect women as people, and not reduce them to objects. If he cannot respect what is a massive part of your identity then he cannot truly respect you.

I think when they are single, porn is a bit different, because the motivations seem more like loneliness rather than pure lust. I'm not excusing it, but I can't condemn it because I know when my girlfriend dumped me I did things like drink even though I was previously against it.

You should talk to him about it first though. If he likes you enough, he'll stop because he knows it is hurting you. If he doesn't, what is your future with him anyway.

And this is coming from a guy.

And what exactly is "BS"? Something other than YOUR opinion?

And this is coming from a MAN. One who knows how to treat a woman with respect, and also is not "TOLD" he "BETTER" do anything.

Umm... okay. First of all, the BS was for the question of the thread, "Every guy watches porn?" I called BS on it because I know it is false. People tend to normalize behavior by saying everyone else is doing it, when that is just not true.

So if your girlfriend tells you that watching porn hurts her, you would continue doing it? What a man you are.

You can treat a woman with respect, and still not respect women. I'm not saying this is you, but think about what porn is (or the porn directed at straight males). You have no contact with the woman you are watching, and have established no kind of relationship with her. You are lusting after her solely for her physical attributes. How is that not objectification? Like I said, I can understand that people act ways they normally wouldn't in moments of weakness, but if you have a girlfriend who is not okay with it, and you continue doing it, you are telling her that you are more satisfied by a Western ideal of feminine beauty than you are by her in real life. And if that caused her to try and achieve that ideal, it is because she feels you would be more attracted to her if she became something she was not. You are telling her that in her current state she is not satisfying to you, basically that she is not good enough for you. Now, some girls might not CARE about that, but that doesn't mean that it isn't the message you send.

Oh yea. That's like saying women are addicted to MAKEUP. Let's look in your drawers or makeup bag. How many mascaras do you have? Lip loss? Eyeliners? Eye shadow?

Or how about shoes? How many pairs of shoes do you have? How many have you bought in the past year?


Really common' now, that is just plain silly.

It may bother the OP now and guess what she can either learn to deal with it or dump this guy because of it. Then go through it again and again. I don't know too many "good" guys that would give up porn completely for a girl. Infact that would be idiotic. Usually that's when they start sneaking around with the porn and then you truly get hurt because of the decit.

Porn will always be very controversial and I don't expect us to agree with eachother, but I don't think it's right to keep feeding her "fear".

...meh that's what I think anyways.

Sarah


He is a great guys, he doesn't even drink, he never looks women up or down around me, but it bothers me to just even think about him watching porn, because I don't feel comfortable if he is thinking about other women around him, and how to they look naked.

This sounds totally ridiculous, but I don't really want him to stop watching it, and I know a lot of other people that are a lot worse off. Example: my dad and my brother. I went into the history on my dads computer when I lived with them, and it was the most disgusting thing EVER! I just want to be able to think about it like a lot of people on this site. That it doesn't bother them at all. We have an amazing sex life going and it should not bother me.

But the first thought that came into my head is wow... he is going to look at porn when I'm sleeping or not there.

Umm...okay. First of all, the BS was for the question of the thread, "Every guy watches porn?" I called BS on it because I know it is false. People tend to normalize behavior by saying everyone else is doing it, when that is just not true.

So if your girlfriend tells you that watching porn hurts her, you would continue doing it? What a man you are.

You can treat a woman with respect, and still not respect women. I'm not saying this is you, but think about what porn is (or the porn directed at straight males). You have no contact with the woman you are watching, and have established no kind of relationship with her. You are lusting after her solely for her physical attributes. How is that not objectification? Like I said, I can understand that people act ways they normally wouldn't in moments of weakness, but if you have a girlfriend who is not okay with it, and you continue doing it, you are telling her that you are more satisfied by a Western ideal of feminine beauty than you are by her in real life. And if that caused her to try and achieve that ideal, it is because she feels you would be more attracted to her if she became something she was not. You are telling her that in her current state she is not satisfying to you, basically that she is not good enough for you. Now, some girls might not CARE about that, but that doesn't mean that it isn't the message you send.



I disagree, I don't think that a person should ask another person to stop doing something if it's not affecting you, it's their business and who are you to tell someone to stop doing something they enjoy for a little bit?

The problem for most people, apart from people together with porn addicts, is dealing with it without the other person have to stop and/or hide it from them.

By no means I want him to stop, because its true what other people said about shoes and makeup, if he asked me to stop buying shoes and makeup I wouldn't like it.

Your with somebody because you love and respect them. Your differences have to get worked out somehow, that's the whole problem... I want to work on it... thank you everyone so far for such amazing answers... I will take all the advice I can take and let everyone know how I'm doing with it.

Im trying to keep a journal about the controlling behavior and trying to think things through before acting up.

Umm...okay. First of all, the BS was for the question of the thread, "Every guy watches porn?" I called BS on it because I know it is false. People tend to normalize behavior by saying everyone else is doing it, when that is just not true.

So if your girlfriend tells you that watching porn hurts her, you would continue doing it? What a man you are.

You can treat a woman with respect, and still not respect women. I'm not saying this is you, but think about what porn is (or the porn directed at straight males). You have no contact with the woman you are watching, and have established no kind of relationship with her. You are lusting after her solely for her physical attributes. How is that not objectification? Like I said, I can understand that people act ways they normally wouldn't in moments of weakness, but if you have a girlfriend who is not okay with it, and you continue doing it, you are telling her that you are more satisfied by a Western ideal of feminine beauty than you are by her in real life. And if that caused her to try and achieve that ideal, it is because she feels you would be more attracted to her if she became something she was not. You are telling her that in her current state she is not satisfying to you, basically that she is not good enough for you. Now, some girls might not CARE about that, but that doesn't mean that it isn't the message you send.

dlowell08, If my wife asked me to stop doing something that bothered her , I most certainly would. But I occasionally look at porn, and so does she, so this isn't about me.
I am sensitive to my wife's feelings, and respectful of her concerns. But I am not a child to be "told" to stop doing things. Just like I would not "tell" her to not do something. That is disrespectful in itself, is it not?

Floweringbeauty, these are your words from another post, link provided here by cat1864:

"In relationships i am completley out of my mind jealous and insecure."

I recommend getting counseling. Have you every considered that? You admit to having a problem, and having ruined a prior relationship because of this.

The porn is the least of your worries right now. Has he asked you to stop this behavior?

Does he know that you snooped into his private things?

He obviously loves you enough to put up with this jealous, insecure, attitude.

It's not about the porn. Even if he DOESN'T get that new laptop, you will be jealous of someone else, won't you?

You might want to get to the root of the problem. Before you lose another guy.

Most people do not like this type of attitude. Especially when they have done nothing to deserve it.

Good luck to you.

That's true, if he doesn't get the laptop there something else that is going to pop up.

Yes he gets very mad and aggravated and we fight if something like that happens... is there anything else I can do besides counselling?

See my previous posting on finding a hobby or look online and find a book that specialize in self-help in giving privacy to your other half.

Not all men look at porn... (FYI)

But, there is nothing wrong with looking at pornographic photographs in order to help peak arousal and climax.

It's just photographs.

It's not a relationship with another person.

I'm sure he's not getting a laptop just to look at porn, I'm sure he's doing other things with the laptop.

The fact that you were checking up on him shows you are suspicious, worried or perhaps a tad bit insecure.

I'm not trying to hurt you, what I'm trying to do is help you realize your fears and face them. Talk to him, tell him how you found the sites, tell him how you almost wanted to cry, and explain to him that you have a very negative perception of what porn is and maybe you two can seek counseling.

Many women look at porn too... looking at porn is not the same as cheating... there is no relationship there except with oneself (while masturbating).

Maybe he has some fantasies.. Maybe your sex life could become even richer if you explored some of these fantasies that he might have.

Talk to him, don't worry about it any longer... he should know you have been tortured over this for a long enough time and he can put your mind at rest... I'm sure he's a wonderful guy.

Good Luck!

Hate to be the porn party pooper here, but I would be upset if there was porn on my husband's computer.

Porn presents women as sexual objects, they are objectified to meet a man's 'visual' image of an object for sex. I don't see it as harmless fun, and it personifies, like it or not, the perpetual myth that somehow its okay to watch porn, then go boink your wife or girlfriend after getting hot and bothered by it. Or not. To each his own.

That is only my opinion. I don't think less of a woman who sees anything wrong with it, or a man who needs or wants it.

But, it has never been on my husband's computer, and it never would be.

Progress Report:


NO PROGRESSS... everytime I think he's by a computer I go sad:(

Like right now, this is the most ridicolous thing ever and I think this officially makes me the worst girlfriend :'(

Entire story merged

No trust = No relationship

If you can't find it in yourself to start trusting him again, then this relationship is going to end one way or another.

I think you need to change your thought processes. You keep looking for problems until you find them or let your imagination create them.

So now, he only has to be 'by' the computer to trigger you being 'sad'?

Don't give your imagination permission to leap to conclusions. Tell yourself that it is no different than if he picked up a novel or turned on the radio.

Keep reminding yourself that he isn't with any of the other women you get jealous about. He has chosen to be with you.

What are you doing to help yourself feel more secure? Are you just sitting back and letting your mind play games instead of doing anything?

Have you checked into counseling?

OP,

Your man: Doesn't even drink, the most respectful man you've met

You: Control freak, someone has trust issues, don't understand men well

I wonder why he is still with you?

It's not easy to meet nice men like that, you don't know how to appreciate! I am sorry but I don't think you deserve him any more!

I have looked into counseling but I really don't want to do it, and I have no time whatsoever.

I just went into his account on Facebook and he never talks to anyone except if it is for a reason. I just read a message that he sent to his already married xgf. He said that he was thinking about her and decided to say hi if she didn't mind.

As I was reading this tears started building up

I usually don't go into his provate things anymore... because I realized it was really wrong and he needs his privacy. I should respect that

Im getting upset over nothing and I shouldn't of went into his account because I was curious.

I have repeated millions of times on this site that - Please don't hack into other's email account/facebook account/whoever's space/twitter etc!

Give people some privacy!

OP, just think how you would deal with the possible fact that he leaves you! If I were him, I have alrady left you! ( And I am a woman myself)!!
The fact that he started talking to his ex married girlfriend doesn't surprise me! You are driving him away!

Ok so I don't want to sound mean so please don't think that, I have experienced what you are going through just not to this degree.
You need to speak to a neutral party, a counselor.. who can hear your thoughts and fears and talk you through them. It helped me. I had a horrible relationship years back so when I met my current BF I was an insecure nightmare at times. I got help and here we are 2 years later and light years away from where I was.

The problem is your whole world right now is obsessing over him, wondering who he is looking at, talking to, thinking about. JUST STOP! He is with you then he cares. Trust me he will lose interest the more you push, nag, and obsess. No one wants to date a person like that because they make a new relationship that should be fun too much work. If he always has to convince you he only has eyes for you what fun is that? Then dating becomes a job.

Now you are snooping in his Facebook? Why? Did it make you feel any better or just give your obsessive thoughts more fuel for the fire?

As far as time for counseling you do have it, look at all the time you sit around obsessing or snooping in his Facebook or crying over what you find. There is at least a half an hour session right there in time. Only you can change you, he can't, and you have all ready decided in your unwillingness to talk to someone and figure out where this issue is from that you really don't want to change. My only advice then is prepare yourself for the day you push too much and he leaves.

If you continue this way it is only a matter of time.

You are out of control and need some help to get it back!

Please do so!

i have looked into councelling but i really dont want to do it, and i have no time whatsoever.

So, you want to put more effort into destroying yourself, him, and the relationship than you do into working on your insecurities and building a better relationship.

That speaks volumes for where your mind is at. I will continue to try to help you, but neither I nor anyone else on this site or the entire internet can do more than point you in the right direction. YOU have to be the one who wants to change and grow into a stronger more secure person and YOU have to be the one to take the steps necessary.

I suggest you find time for counselling, you need help with this.

UPDATE ON COUNSELLING:

Hey everyone just in case some are curious I went to find a self help group and I came across this group near my house. I decided to go and check it out. My boyfriend asked me where I was going but I told him I was unable to tell him

I went to the meeting and I really enjoyed it but some people are so mentally disturbed that it was fascinating to talk to them and to put an input in. It made me feel like an amazing person for putting my input in and talking to these people.

Here's the problem: "these"people
They were truly fantastic people but I cannot see myself being there in group therapy with them revealing "my not as significant in comparison to their problems"
I came out of there feeling like a totally brand new and refreshed person

Is that even possible for me to feel this way even though I really got nothing of my own problems solved?

I am glad you went to the meeting. I think this is what you need. Your story may not be as dramatic as some of the others, but I would bet their stories started the same way yours has.

Give it a couple of more meetings. Share your story with them. Don't worry about who has a worse story. Give them a chance to help you before you get to the point they are at. See what tips you can learn from them as you find out how much you already know by giving help. Find ways to put those tips into practice.

Be honest with your boyfriend so that he doesn't start thinking that you are the one seeing someone else. He deserves to know that you are trying and to be given the chance to give you his support in this. It is part of communication and partnership.

I am very proud of you for taking this step. :)

Good move, and I agree with Cat give it another couple of sessions.

You feel good to know your not alone, and maybe your story is not as dramatic as theirs, the help and support can give you the solutions you need to overcome your circumstances, so keep going, if nothing else, just to listen, and learn.

UPDATE ON COUNSELLING:

Hey everyone just in case some are curious i went to find a self help group and i came across this group near my house. I decided to go and check it out. My bf asked me where i was going but i told him i was unable to tell him

I went to the meeting and i really enjoyed it but some people are so mentally disturbed that it was fascinating to talk to them and to put an input in. It made me feel like an amazing person for putting my input in and talking to these people.

Here's the problem: "these"people
they were truly fantastic people but i cannot see myself being there in group therapy with them revealing "my not as significant in comparison to their problems"
I came out of there feeling like a totally brand new and refreshed person

Is that even possible for me to feel this way even though i really got nothing of my own problems solved?

This is like me saying that I'm quitting AA because I'm not as bad of an alcoholic as the rest of the group. We all have our own personal "bottoms".

This issue is important to YOU, and this group therapy will help you with YOUR problem. Have you thought about the fact that you might be helping the other people in there, who may look at you as an inspiration?

And yes, you should tell your boyfriend where you are going. It will make him see that you love him, and want to get better. And not make him wonder what's going on.

Good for you. You should be proud of yourself.

Is it possible to regain your individuality after being attached to someone, while still being together with them?

My boyfriend worked at a place filled with such gorgeous women flaunting themselves all the time. Then he quit and then he came back after a couple of weeks. I am happy that he is back to work but I have this really bad feeling in my gut about him going back there. Hes a good guy and its not a big deal with him, but now I can't resist to call him and think that he's like checking the women out

This sounds crazy but I'm wondering is it possible after along time?
I have friends, I'm really busy and I do go out when I get the chance. And yet I still feel like I care too much about it.

Your just going to have to trust him unless you have reason otherwise not to. You'll drive yourself crazy over it if you don't.

A man working with no women can still cheat, if a man wants to cheat he will, if he does not, he won't

I know he won't do anything at all, he's a good guy. I want to regain my individuality with him so I'm not so attached to him and don't always have to know what he is doing.

Stop worrying about it, that's one place to start.

I think the question is, do you trust him?

No trust = no relationship

Focus on your own life and build your own career, while he does the same.

I think that what you're talking about is retaining your independence and trying not to be jealous of other women that he might meet, particularly in his former workplace.

Of course it’s possible not to worry about something like this, and to retain your independence.

But, the only place that you can do this, is in your head. You say he’s a ‘good guy’, well act as if he his. Believe it! The more that you believe it the less you will be concerned about his activities. He isn’t Tiger Woods is he?

So, tell yourself that he’s with you. Continue to enjoy and lead your life. Continue to enjoy and have a relationship with him.

Don’t let your thoughts and doubts and projections of doom trip you over. If he’s a good guy – treat him like one and believe that he is one.

Remember, your thoughts are very good at manifesting what you want. If you want him to be unfaithful then he may well turn out to be. However, if you want him to be loyal and trustworthy, then that is what you’ll create.

Your threads were merged so the whole story is in one place so the full background can be seen for better input.

It starts with you dealing with your own issues of insecurity.

Story merged yet again. Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story and give you appropriate advice.

How does everybody feel if there significant other goes on vacation with his single friends? I don't feel too comfortable with it and I just want to see how everyone feels about it.
I know my boyfriend won't cheat but I have a weird knot in my stomach.

Honest opinions please

Your insecurities have been going on for a while now. What have you done to boost your self-esteem since the last time you posted?

If you're not scared that he will cheat, then what's the problem?

I'm not too sure, I just wanted to hear how other people feel about it

Story merged yet again. Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread so that we can follow your story and give you appropriate advice.

How does everybody feel if there significant other goes on vacation with his single friends? I dont feel too comfortable with it and I just want to see how everyone feels about it.
I know my bf wont cheat but i hav a weird knot in my stomach.

Honest opinions please

If you know your BF won't cheat then why worry?

The weird knot in your stomach is your insecurity and lack of confidence. I agree with I Wish - you must do something to stop this discomfort you bring on yourself.

I would have no problems with my husband going on holidays with single friends - mind you, it depends how long the holiday was!

But, perhaps you need to ask yourself why he wants to go on holidays with them instead of you? That's the real question.

I still think you need to go to counselling. You need help.