grassisnotgreener
Dec 12, 2009, 10:52 AM
My girlfriend and I of 4 years recently separated. In June of this year I decided I wanted to marry her. I was sure. She was the only woman in the world for me. I was so close that I sat down to buy the ring, but they didn't have the diamond I wanted so I decided to wait. Then, a series of events happened that made me think I needed more time. I never cheated on her or anything like that, I just needed time to get my priorities right. I am a planner and she is a do-er. But we always made it work. Toward the end of our relationship (about one month after the ring issue), things were definitely not good. I was not paying her the attention she deserved and not giving her what she needed. I was very busy and was about to start a very intense 2 year master's program. She absolutely loved me and told me I was the only man she ever loved. She begged me not to let her go. At the time I was very confused and did not have my life priorities straight and was not focused on her. I did not value the important things about her like I should have--she was my best friend, loyal, fun, etc. All of the things you want in your future wife--she embodied. I started to let little things about her bother me--I mean we were together for 4 years and I think we were hitting one of those rough periods. I started to think things may be better without her, but wanted to work through it. I definitely did not want to end the relationship, but I had to tell her how I felt. So I did. I told her I still loved her and never took that back, but said I needed some time to get my mind straight in order to take the next step. At this point, she wanted commitment, not necessarily a ring, but a show of more commitment from me. I felt I could not give it to her then, and I told her. She did not take it well and decided we should break up. We were living together for a year and she wanted me out. I told her I did not want to end it, but wanted to work through it, as I just needed some time. She wouldn't have it. At the same time, she was begging me to fight for her and show her commitment because she loved me so much and did not want to do this. But she felt it was necessary to break up if I was unsure. Especially after she found out that I told some of her family members I was going to marry her. She was devastated. She told me then that she was the type of girl that if we break up, she will never get back together with me. Of course, I didn't believe that.
At this point, I decided that I needed to work everything out with myself and allow her to break up with me. So, I let her go. I now know it is the biggest mistake I have ever made! I was not in the right frame of mind and know now that I should have worked through it with her and I should have made a greater commitment to her. We went on for two or three weeks without any contact. I started school and became very busy, but thought about her constantly. I heard through her family (who I am very close with) that she was absolutely devastated. She missed two days of work, did not eat for several days and basically shut herself off to the world. I did not hear about this until after it happened, however. It truly crushed me to know that I caused that pain, as I knew I still loved her. At the time, I just couldn't pull the trigger to try to go back. I thought I was doing the right thing. I needed to be absolutely sure about going back, as I could not hurt her ever again.
So, we are now 2 1/2 months post break up and we have talked a few times since by email or phone. She has been back and forth with her emotions, but generally pleasant towards me and always says she loves me when we have talked. I have been the same way, and hinted to her every time that things are changing. A few weeks back I found out she had started seeing an old friend--this began 3 weeks after our break up. He has a very dark past, but I don't know much about him anymore. I was absolutely devastated when I heard this and I contacted her immediately. I did not probe into it, but I just told her I was shocked. She wrote back that they actually had a thing for each other before we started dating and she started to fall in love with him, but they were both in a bad place so she walked away. She never told me this story while we were dating, but did tell me everything else about her past. Strange to me because I know that they had much contact while we were dating. I am also sure she never cheated on me, however--well as sure as one can be. But she is not the type to do that. She is all or nothing, and gave me no reason, EVER, to think she strayed from me. She was the perfect girlfriend, without being perfect of course. She continues by saying that it just feels right with him and he told her that he has always loved her and would go at any pace she wanted. She went on to say he does the things for her I didn't do at the end and makes her feel good. He listens to her cry and grieve about me, and is very supportive. Basically, he is giving her what she feels she needs right now. But we are only a month out!! I could not believe it. That she let him in this fast, especially knowing his past.
I felt destroyed, I mean I know I let her go, but all I needed was a little time! She broke up with me--I didn't dump her, although I know that is how she felt. So, I gave it more time to make sure I was doing the right thing. I talked with her once after that, and she told me that they were dating, a tragedy had just occurred to someone close to him and he was getting a bit clingy. A week after this (several days ago), everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I LOVE HER more than anything in the world. Everything seemed to fall into place and I suddenly realized my priorities and how blind I was being. I have to get her back!
I tried to go to her house but he was there. So I sent a text to her that night to call me. She said she was busy, but she called me the next morning at 7 am because she was concerned about why I wanted her to call. I did not want to do this over the phone, but felt I had no choice. I attempted to go back to her. I told her everything about how I felt and how I made the biggest mistake of my life. I told her everything would change and we would be better than we were. I went on and on. I think it really caught her by surprise, and at one point she said it was freaking her out and upsetting her and she just needed space. She went on to say she is with this new guy now, "not just dating", even though the week before she said they were just dating. I told her I would give her her space, but I was ready to fight for her, which is what she always wanted and felt I did not do enough of. That same day, I wrote her a letter expressing everything I did not get to say on the phone and left it in her mailbox.
She called me the next morning (two days ago) and told me the letter was beautiful but she could not see us getting back together, ever. She said that she would have taken me back if I would have come back within the first 2-3 weeks, but not now. I think it is mostly because she how someone who is feeding her what she thinks she needs right now. She always told me that the most important thing to her in her life is to be loved like she thinks she deserves. I am sure he is trying to do this to win her. She went on to say she was too hurt and could never trust me again. She feels that she will resent me if we get back together because of the pain I caused. I told her that can slowly be fixed and tried to focus on the good things in our relationship. She went on to say her feelings for me had changed. I asked her if she loved him and she said yes, but it was different than what we had. She didn't seem sure of the context of her love for him. I was stunned. I cannot believe that she has fallen in love with another man within 2 months of us separating. I don't really believe it, because I can't see how it could happen so fast. If she would have done the same thing to me I know I would not be able to love someone for a long time and I would want her back--even two months out. So I tried to tell her everything I wanted with us and that I was totally ready, forever, and would never leave her side again. She told me she needs her space and it was time for me to move on like she had. But we both told each other we love each other before we got off the phone. She always still says she loves me.
At this point, I feel like I need to see her (as we have not seen each other since near the break up) so that she can reconnect with her feelings (if they are still there) and see that I love her. But she did ask for her space and basically said she wants to be with this new guy. She did not dwell on him and did not try to make me jealous, which leads me to believe she may be serious about him. At the same time, she is moving so quickly, although she always dives in head first without thinking. I have been advised by her, her best friend and others to cease contact and give her space. Basically, to let go and move on. Of course I don't want to, but don't really know what to do. I figure I have to give her space, because I know I can't convince her to do anything--she has to want it and now work out things in her head because she finally knows what I want. On the other hand, I feel that I can remind her of the things we had which may help her make a decision. I know that all of her friends are swaying her toward this new guy. Except for her best friend, who is the only one with a clear head. She actually stuck up for me before we broke up and told my girlfriend to just give me some time. She told her to take her time and do what is right. I just can't imagine that after 4 years of the best relationship she ever had with the only man she ever fully loved that she would not give me another chance. But it seems that it is over.
What can I do to get her back?
On another note, her brother is a good friend of mine, however, I told him I was going to marry his sister earlier in the summer when I was planning to--big mistake. He took it well after the breakup though and reached out to me and said our relationship would be unaffected. We still talk regularly, but I have not told him I tried to go back. I know the relationship is between my ex and I, but I feel like I should tell him how I truly feel about her--especially before he hears it from her or someone else. Any advice on this?
At this point, I decided that I needed to work everything out with myself and allow her to break up with me. So, I let her go. I now know it is the biggest mistake I have ever made! I was not in the right frame of mind and know now that I should have worked through it with her and I should have made a greater commitment to her. We went on for two or three weeks without any contact. I started school and became very busy, but thought about her constantly. I heard through her family (who I am very close with) that she was absolutely devastated. She missed two days of work, did not eat for several days and basically shut herself off to the world. I did not hear about this until after it happened, however. It truly crushed me to know that I caused that pain, as I knew I still loved her. At the time, I just couldn't pull the trigger to try to go back. I thought I was doing the right thing. I needed to be absolutely sure about going back, as I could not hurt her ever again.
So, we are now 2 1/2 months post break up and we have talked a few times since by email or phone. She has been back and forth with her emotions, but generally pleasant towards me and always says she loves me when we have talked. I have been the same way, and hinted to her every time that things are changing. A few weeks back I found out she had started seeing an old friend--this began 3 weeks after our break up. He has a very dark past, but I don't know much about him anymore. I was absolutely devastated when I heard this and I contacted her immediately. I did not probe into it, but I just told her I was shocked. She wrote back that they actually had a thing for each other before we started dating and she started to fall in love with him, but they were both in a bad place so she walked away. She never told me this story while we were dating, but did tell me everything else about her past. Strange to me because I know that they had much contact while we were dating. I am also sure she never cheated on me, however--well as sure as one can be. But she is not the type to do that. She is all or nothing, and gave me no reason, EVER, to think she strayed from me. She was the perfect girlfriend, without being perfect of course. She continues by saying that it just feels right with him and he told her that he has always loved her and would go at any pace she wanted. She went on to say he does the things for her I didn't do at the end and makes her feel good. He listens to her cry and grieve about me, and is very supportive. Basically, he is giving her what she feels she needs right now. But we are only a month out!! I could not believe it. That she let him in this fast, especially knowing his past.
I felt destroyed, I mean I know I let her go, but all I needed was a little time! She broke up with me--I didn't dump her, although I know that is how she felt. So, I gave it more time to make sure I was doing the right thing. I talked with her once after that, and she told me that they were dating, a tragedy had just occurred to someone close to him and he was getting a bit clingy. A week after this (several days ago), everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I LOVE HER more than anything in the world. Everything seemed to fall into place and I suddenly realized my priorities and how blind I was being. I have to get her back!
I tried to go to her house but he was there. So I sent a text to her that night to call me. She said she was busy, but she called me the next morning at 7 am because she was concerned about why I wanted her to call. I did not want to do this over the phone, but felt I had no choice. I attempted to go back to her. I told her everything about how I felt and how I made the biggest mistake of my life. I told her everything would change and we would be better than we were. I went on and on. I think it really caught her by surprise, and at one point she said it was freaking her out and upsetting her and she just needed space. She went on to say she is with this new guy now, "not just dating", even though the week before she said they were just dating. I told her I would give her her space, but I was ready to fight for her, which is what she always wanted and felt I did not do enough of. That same day, I wrote her a letter expressing everything I did not get to say on the phone and left it in her mailbox.
She called me the next morning (two days ago) and told me the letter was beautiful but she could not see us getting back together, ever. She said that she would have taken me back if I would have come back within the first 2-3 weeks, but not now. I think it is mostly because she how someone who is feeding her what she thinks she needs right now. She always told me that the most important thing to her in her life is to be loved like she thinks she deserves. I am sure he is trying to do this to win her. She went on to say she was too hurt and could never trust me again. She feels that she will resent me if we get back together because of the pain I caused. I told her that can slowly be fixed and tried to focus on the good things in our relationship. She went on to say her feelings for me had changed. I asked her if she loved him and she said yes, but it was different than what we had. She didn't seem sure of the context of her love for him. I was stunned. I cannot believe that she has fallen in love with another man within 2 months of us separating. I don't really believe it, because I can't see how it could happen so fast. If she would have done the same thing to me I know I would not be able to love someone for a long time and I would want her back--even two months out. So I tried to tell her everything I wanted with us and that I was totally ready, forever, and would never leave her side again. She told me she needs her space and it was time for me to move on like she had. But we both told each other we love each other before we got off the phone. She always still says she loves me.
At this point, I feel like I need to see her (as we have not seen each other since near the break up) so that she can reconnect with her feelings (if they are still there) and see that I love her. But she did ask for her space and basically said she wants to be with this new guy. She did not dwell on him and did not try to make me jealous, which leads me to believe she may be serious about him. At the same time, she is moving so quickly, although she always dives in head first without thinking. I have been advised by her, her best friend and others to cease contact and give her space. Basically, to let go and move on. Of course I don't want to, but don't really know what to do. I figure I have to give her space, because I know I can't convince her to do anything--she has to want it and now work out things in her head because she finally knows what I want. On the other hand, I feel that I can remind her of the things we had which may help her make a decision. I know that all of her friends are swaying her toward this new guy. Except for her best friend, who is the only one with a clear head. She actually stuck up for me before we broke up and told my girlfriend to just give me some time. She told her to take her time and do what is right. I just can't imagine that after 4 years of the best relationship she ever had with the only man she ever fully loved that she would not give me another chance. But it seems that it is over.
What can I do to get her back?
On another note, her brother is a good friend of mine, however, I told him I was going to marry his sister earlier in the summer when I was planning to--big mistake. He took it well after the breakup though and reached out to me and said our relationship would be unaffected. We still talk regularly, but I have not told him I tried to go back. I know the relationship is between my ex and I, but I feel like I should tell him how I truly feel about her--especially before he hears it from her or someone else. Any advice on this?