I'm so confused. I am married to a good man, good father, good provider... but life with him seems 'void' of real connection. Our sex life is very close to non-existant. If I were to initiate sex, he'll oblige, but after so many attempts at asking him to be an aggressor to initiate sex with me, nothing changes. I'm not even sure I'm sexually attracted to him anymore. He's a very good person, but I feel like I'm cheating myself out of a real partnership. Sex isn't the only problem. I feel more and more disconnected from my husband, like I don't really enjoy even being with him or spending time with him. I feel so sad for even writing that, but it's true. Over the years, his profession has taken the front seat in our marriage, our family.
I cheated in the past (2 years ago). I ended it because I knew it was wrong and couldn't ease my obsessive thoughts about sexual encounters with my lover. Even then, I didn't want to hurt my husband by getting 'caught' satisfying shallow sexual urges. It's been almost one year since I've tried to re-commit myself to my husband, but I still can't seem to get those feelings back, no matter how hard I've tried - honestly, I've tried.
Last week, an old boyfriend contacted me and we talked for so long and I felt myself re-connecting with him in ways I wish I could with my own husband. I'm still not willing to give up my husband or my children to such fleeting thoughts, but I feel like I'm weakening to my old thoughts of escaping my real world and meeting with my old flame and enjoying a few brief moments of passion. Argh, I know that won't satisfy me either! But I'm at my wits end - what's the point in trying so hard in a marriage that won't seem to change? If I'm here for the long run, why not enjoy a brief moment of intimacy that I can't get at home?

Hello Altern54,

That was very... telling. Your words are very sad to me. I have empathy towards you, because I know that feeling that you are talking about. I didn't, however, cheat, but I know the pain you are going through. Did or have you spoken to your husband about your thoughts and feelings? Have you tried marriage counseling? Your husband may be going through something mentally. That might explain the lack of love making or communication. Maybe the two of you need to have a romantic weekend getaway, to see if there are any sparks. You say he is a good husband, father, and provider? Then maybe you guys need to work it out, or at least try.

I wish you luck.

Good grief. You cheated on your husband, and then say you are working hard on your marriage.

I presume you never had the courage to explain before you did what you did, that you were terribly unhappy, or that you wanted to go to counselling, or even do more things together- rekindle the relationship- talk even?

I guess that would be hard to do if he is in the dark. You keep entertaining thoughts of cheating, and justify it by complaining about your marriage.

As you said, " I am married to a good man, good father, good provider"

Why do you risk losing all of that by skipping out of reality and into a fantasy world. Is it the excitement, the thrill of making it happen, without your husband knowing? What will you accomplish.

Will your marriage be healthier, more honest, and solid? Will you be a better person, wife, mother because of it?

No good can come of having an affair. Before you get yourself in a mess with another man, you owe it to your husband and yourself to get off your butt and get into counselling.

Find out how to communicate and make a dent in the distance between you.

I see nothing that can not at least be addressed and worked on from what you have said.

Unless I am missing something obvious or there is a heck of a lot more to this story than what you are saying here, you need to smarten up, put your marriage first, and forget about having a sexual tryst.

Well, at least you know that you're looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places. Of course an illicit tryst is going to be more exciting that your marriage!

Re-establishing a connection after all this time will take more than just a romantic weekend away I suspect. If you truly want to reconnect with your husband - and I notice that you blame him not yourself for the lack of connection - means that you must do something CONCRETE about it.

Why don't you tell him how you feel? I imagine that would be a good start. He probably feels like he's being the good provider and devotes his time to his job. He may well feel disconnected from you as well, hence the time that he spends at work.

So tell him how you feel. Tell him that your marriage is at risk. Ask him what he wants to do. Engage him in the process of repairing your marriage - which allows him to take responsibility, and gives him a choice.

He may not want to. It may not work out. At last then you'll know and you can move forward knowing that he contributed to whatever you decide.

Cheating on your husband (again) is not going to solve the problem. Acting with honesty and integrity will.

Enigma,

We have not tried marriage counselling because we are both reasonable people (I know I'm losing ground to call myself that after cheating). But truly, I have talked to him at lengths about trying to get back to a better 'connected' relationship. And we've had romantic get-a-ways without the kids to try to re-kindle our long lost flame. Although those times are very nice, they just don't last. You know how life seems to get in the way of things? I don't know, he listens to me, but then there's no follow up, no commitment to change, and then we're right back where we started. No connection.

Enigma,

We have not tried marriage counselling because we are both reasonable people (I know I'm losing ground to call myself that after cheating). But truly, I have talked to him at lengths about trying to get back to a better 'connected' relationship. And we've had romantic get-a-ways without the kids to try to re-kindle our long lost flame. Although those times are very nice, they just don't last. You know how life seems to get in the way of things? I don't know, he listens to me, but then there's no follow up, no commitment to change, and then we're right back where we started. No connection.

That's because you haven't explained what's really going on. Time for the TALK. Time to get to counseling. Time to get committed and then connected.

Jake,

Thank you for your reply. I don't blame you for taking a hard stance with me about cheating on my husband. You're right, it was a wrong decision on my part to cheat, and it didn't solve anything, it didn't make me happy.

But where you are incorrect is that I have shared my thoughts with my husband about drifting apart before I cheated on him. No, that's not justification, no, he doesn't deserve that. But it was my inadequate way of coping and the extra attention I received from my lover was what I so desparately wanted from my husband, I took it out of selfishness. When I was pregnant with my second child, I was really emotional, and somewhat depressed... and I was horny. I told my husband that I really needed him. I told him I needed him to want me and to make love to me. He did not even touch me throughout my entire pregnancy. Nothing. I had a really hard time letting that go later on in our relationship. How could he not reach out to me and give me some affection when I needed it most? That hurt... a lot.

Anyhow, I do still realize that he's a good person with good intentions. But maybe he's just a little too lazy and not putting enough energy into our relationship and our family as he does with our business. (We're self-employed and he takes enormous pride in the business... and the expense of our family). He also finds enough time to play sporting activities 2-3 times per week.

Anyhow... I know I'm venting here. I do want to be close to my husband again, even though I also realize I'm angry that he puts little effort into 'us'. Do you think I should tell him about my past infidelities? I believe that knowledge would absolutely crush him. Although you seem to know how selfish I am, I actually don't want to hurt him. I actually would like to love him again.

Gemini,

Also, I thank you for your responses. Before I cheated on my husband we went out for an anniversary dinner. It was bad timing on my part, but I shared with him all of my feelings about us drifting apart and not having fun together as a couple and mainly, not taking the time to re-connect. I know I sound like a bit fat drag... I'm not. I like having a good time with him, but when we're clearly drifting apart as a coupe, as a team, I felt the need to communicate that to him so that we could make some changes. Well, to his credit, he went out and bought a book, 7 Healthy Habits of Married People, or something like that, and we spent a couple weekends reading together and doing little excersices together. It wasn't magic, but it was a good thing. Then he quit bringing it up. My attempts at re-kindling were met with 'another time' or 'I'm tired right now'.

Well, I just wanted to say that I truly feel like I have told him how I felt, on many, many occaisions. And although he will try to ask more questions and spend more time with me, after a few short weeks or days (literally)... he get's back into his comfort zone and there's no mention of our problem ever again. I have a hard time believing that couselling with do more than what we've already done. A quick band-aide and more attempts, only to be neglected once again.

You both need a good kick up the ar*s!

You marriage is falling apart,through apathy on his part and frustration on your part..

OK,you talked and told him... if he does not see what's going on under his nose,you need to be more forcefull..

From your posts,he does not seem to understand the seriousness of the situation,a book is not going to cut it!

A dinner is not going to save your marriage.

You both talking but its back to back not face to face..

I believe the only way to get back on track is councilling...

A third party involvement will help you both connect again OR the decision to end the marriage.

The business is get all his passion and commitment,he needs to see that,and he needs to see that if even though your trying you have one foot already out the door...

Seek professional help,end the cycle of misery for you and give him a wake up call.

There's more to a marriage then putting food on the table and keeping the books balanced..

I think when he sees that his family is going bankrupt he will change his attutide,but you both need intervention.

I find it amazing that when things stop improving to your satisfaction, you cheat instead of going back to the drawing board.

Seems that would be the way to go, not off on your own selfish device.

The question comes to mind is why do things slip back to the old unsatisfying way?

Somebody expects too much, and somebody does too little. Thats not working together to my way of thinking, as its been my experience that a reminder when things stray off the path, is very helpful, and needed from time to time.

Do you have too much time on your hands, that you can dwell on others, and put time, and effort into those fantasies?? I think so.

At this point, maybe your partner needs to know the truth about how you have been dealing with your dissatisfaction about his inaction, so at least you both can deal with the cold hard truth, and maybe find a solution.

Your cheating is an selfish excuse, and a bad solution to a comfort zone your trying to improve on. That I cannot forgive, and maybe he won't either, because that was a really selfish option you chose to indulge in.

And your still not happy? Try the truth for a change. If you need help to guide you, please get it, with or without him.

Your way obviously ain't gonna work, and is doing a lot more harm, than good.