Okay guys they said to make a new post so ill do that. Ill try to be as unbiased and informative as possible.

Girl I loved. 3 Yrs 4mth. Love her with all my heart. Lately we been arguing and every time we argued she would lose more feelings for me. Ultimately we ended breaking up... like seriously break up. I was devastated and I brought her flowers and apologized. She told me she needs time and that if we were to get back together we would have to start fresh. Ok I give her time; we wre in NC period for 3 days. I talk to her again and this time she tells me she's been happy and she's able to do things for herself now because she can treat herself. I cannot agree more that she deserves it. But I have changed, no more arguing no more hot headed, I got a job, I been working out, going back to school, I been taking care of myself.

Now here's the thing... I love her so much. I feel so bad that I put her through so much. She did sooo much for me that she never had a chance to do anything for herself. I never treated her well, I had no job, no money, no education. I was a sleazy bastard. But now I got it all and on top of that I got appreciation and love for her. I want to throw it all at her and make her feel good. I do not want to leave her jaded. I managed to get her to come shopping with me in 3 days, but just as friends. She made it clear to me not to try and hold her hands, or hug her or anything like that. Just go as friends. But I want her to give me another chance because this is a new me. I feel it at the bottom of my heart... Im passed the panic stage and the emotional rollercoaster. What should I do guys? I got 3 days until I see her

How long have you been broke up? The only indication of time is the three days you were not talking.

1 week...

You've managed to turn your life around,getting a job,going back to school and that's good.
She broke up with you and personally I think trying to push for a friendship right now is too much too soon.
I'd say when somebody tells you they need space,you give them all the space in the world.
Meanwhile you continue living your own life,doing things you enjoy, without them.

Im sorry, but do you really think she, or anyone, believes you gave her time, got a job, started working out, stopped being a hot head and returned to school all in a week?

I got a job a month ago but they messed up my pay and its only today that I will be getting a big cheque. When we were together she always wanted these boots for the winter and I planned on getting it for her because I have not gotten anything for her in well over a year and a half. Yeah I got accepted to school yesterday because I went to talk to the dean, I start in Jan. And I stopped being hot headed because I got bad in touch with myself, I started to talk to my parents who I have not talked to for a long long time, and I realized what a jerk I have been. I just want her to be happy. I got a lot of stuff done because I could not sleep and I was so determined to change and I will continue to improve. But you guys are right I didn't give her enough time but I still want to get her the boots so is it still OK to go shopping with her? I want to leave a good last impression before another possible NC period.

The more you want her, the less she is going to want you back, that's my opinion. You sound about my age, so let me give you my 2 cents. "Most" girls our age still have no idea what they want, and they leave a lot of good guys in the dust because of it. Every couple fights, its how you handle the aftermath is what is really important.

3 days may seem like an eternity with the situation you are in, but trust me brother, you will be OKAY, especially with all the things you seem to be occupying your time with, which is exactly what you need to do. The more you focus on yourself, the more she will take notice. Let her have her space, and do me a favor... DO NOT be the one to break NC. She is expecting this, and when she doesn't get what she expects, she will start to question herself.

You do you, ler her do her, simple, yet effective

Good Luck

It is good you have been working on yourself.
As far as the gift goes, you should ask her if she would except a gift. She might think there are 'strings attached' so if there is, don't bother. If this is just a gift from the heart, you must be able to tell her that.
Don't expect that Boots = more dates, or that they will make up for all those years you were a worthless jerk.

Just read your latest post... again, I'm assuming you are close to my age(22). DO NOT go shopping with her. Period. I don't know yalls whole situation, but she is clearly not taking this as hard as you are if she is asking you to go shopping with her. Come on now, I hope she didn't already put you in the "ex-Boyfriend friend zone" As hard as I know it will be to not go with her, Don't do it. It will just hurt that much more when nothing gets accomplished, and you are left with more questions than answers.

Me once I'm no longer with someone I don't accept gifts from them,nor do I go shopping with them. As for you buying her a pair of boots,or any gift for that matter-it would only complicate things and possibly leave you hanging on to false hope of a reconcilliation.
Go NC and stick to it.
Good luck.

I don't know guys. I really appreciate your help a lot I wouldn't know what to do and great guess on the age aiyerrc! Im 23 she's 22. How did you know? I think she's really over me and NC will not affect her. What makes you so sure she is expecting me to contact her? She sounds like she doesn't even care if I contact her or not. I feel like this is my only chance by going shopping with her. And its not her that asked me to go, I asked her.

Sorry for being harsh,but you're setting yourself up for another rejection. Maybe that's what you need for the truth to really sink in?

Then perfect if she truly doesn't want to talk to you, then do it. Listen man, its amazing how fast you grow up when love starts to enter your life, then leave it. I came to this website almost 2 years ago, and haven't been on in a good while until tonight. I looked back on my posts from 2 years ago, and the vast levels of maturity I have gained through a few failed relationships cannot be replaced by peoples words. You have to experience this for yourself brother.

It gets better I promise, I promise it does. You have a lot going for you starting in the spring with work and school, and working out, that is the trifecta of perfect things to do to keep you occupied! Work your brain, your body and thicken up that wallet!

If she doesn't want to talk to you, then throw up deuces and move one. It is some of the hardest things to hear when you are still in love with someone, but you NEED to hear it. Strong medicine. Like I said, things will get better, they always do. You will move on, maybe even quicker than you think. The days after a breakup when you are in limbo with love feel like you are stuck in slow motion... they get faster each day, you will be okay.

Now a few things to look forward to. I'm not sure where you are from, but hot damn man! You are starting classes again in the spring, and where I go to school, there is never a short supply of ladies willing to "take your mind off things" if you know what I mean. I mean, do you know how many people in here alone that would give anything to relive their youth? We are still young, and with you polishing those abs, making that money, and surrounding yourself with beautiful women, I'm really starting to not feel so bad for you!

But seriously man, if she doesn't care about you(which I think still does, but maybe not in the way your hoping), then just forget it. Again, Don't do the shopping thing. If she doesn't care if you go or not, then she never really wanted you there in the first place.

1. Go NC ASAP
2. Start preparing yourself for school. This is 4 or 5 years for the rest of our lives, don't take it for granted
3. hit the gym, a sound body means a sound mind(or do I have that backwards?)
4. The more you work on yourself, the better off you will be. I am talking from experience and We are the same age, so I'm not giving you any kind of look down speech. Man to man, it gets better. Look forward, and never behind you.

Hope this helps

Wow man you really gave your time and really reached out for me. I really appreciate that. I will consider your advice because I really believe it since you experienced it. It is just really hard for met because I have regrets and that fact that I was a jerk is not fair for her. That is why it is so hard for me to let go because I feel like I owe her so much.

Regrets are a part of life brother, everybody has them, but you have to look forward... remember, relationships were are never one persons fault. You may feel like you owed her or may still owe her, but you are mistaken. You gave her 3 and a half years of your life along with your commitment and emotions. You tie all facits of your life into relationships, especially long term ones. I hear you man, its hard as hell to get over it, and I'm sure you have heard it all ready, but it is no quick simple fix... it takes TIME. I found that coming to this forum as well as talking to close friends and family really helped(although don't ever smother them with your problems) like I've been saying, don't regret a single thing in life, or you will regret regretting! You have pushed through the door and are turning a new leaf this coming spring... and man, ill be honest, I'm not sure when you broke up, a week or two? Its right for you to "sulk", regret, and think that this was all your fault. Again, you don't owe her . I'm sure she was a sweet girl, and the special times were special, but if it didn't work out, it wasn't meant to be, I'm a big believer in that. If you are anything like I was in the past, you are thinking of a 1000 different scenarios of how you could end up back together, and those false hopes will only make the healing process slower. Not am I saying its out of the question? Never, but the more you think it is, the worse it will be. You have no obligation to her now, so move on with your own life. Single life is fun, hang out with your guy friends, glass is always half full, not half empty...

We know its hard man, but how you deal with it will define you as a person..

I think she's really over me and NC will not affect her.
Its not supposed to affect her, it supposed to affect you, by giving you time to make better decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just feelings. You get no where thinking NC will get her back.

what makes you so sure she is expecting me to contact her? She sounds like she doesn't even care if I contact her or not.
She is expecting it because you keep doing it. Also she knows what your true motives are, and below is a prime example.

I feel like this is my only chance by going shopping with her. And its not her that asked me to go, I asked her.
So you had to break NC to invite, so in reality, YOU HAVE NOT DONE NO CONTACT.

It is just really hard for met because I have regrets and that fact that I was a jerk is not fair for her. That is why it is so hard for me to let go because I feel like I owe her so much.
So your hanging on out of guilt for past actions?

I just want her to be happy. I got a lot of stuff done because I could not sleep and I was so determined to change and I will continue to improve. But you guys are right I didn't give her enough time
Come on, nobody changes in a week, no body. That's not being honest with yourself, and worse an insult to our intelligence, and hers. Of course she will never believe you have changed (in a week!? ), who would?

I still want to get her the boots so is it still OK to go shopping with her? I want to leave a good last impression before another possible NC period.
I would be insulted, but I think she will take the boots, and not give you a second thought. You can't buy love and look foolish, and desperate trying.

Forget taking her shopping, forget the boots, and start NC, right now.

Any more wallowing in false hope, will keep you in misery and pain, and destroy your dignity, and self respect, and she will see you as a person who she did right by dumping you.

I took your advice and I did it... I called her and we talked for literally 2mins 10sec. I told her Im going to call off the whole meeting cause I know it would only push her away more. She already knows what I want and I already know what she wants. I want her to have her time and I want my own time to heal. I told her all of that and I wished her the best of luck and take care. Is that acceptable? Or should I have been more direct about it being over.

Either way it was a final talk and I don't plan on calling her anymore I want to heal.

You have done the first part, now start on the strict No Contact.

I will start No Contact. But it just hurts she just agreed and brushed me off like it was nothing, no take care, no good luck, just all right bye. I feel you guys are my friends I never thought I would have a connection with people on forums over the internet but I feel it. Thanks you guys

Well done! You stick to total NC from now on. Yes, it hurts but it gets better,one step at the time. Keep busy,plan your days and trust that you will heal from this.
Come back and update us whenever you need to.

Trust me I know how it feels to be tossed to the side and feel like your worth nothing thanks to HER... Keep up NC and talk to your friends and remember all the negatives in the relationship to realize that this is the best thing for the both of you...

You're doing the right thing. You can't buy her love. I know it hurts really bad, but you've done everything you can. Just continue with the NC and try to stay strong.

-------------------------------------

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"

Well, for what its worth now, I think you should have gone shopping with her. Spent the afternoon browsing, had lunch, left with good feelings, a nice day all around.

I personally don't think it has to be all or nothing. And I do not believe in one size fits all for healing of relationships that have run their course.

I believe you to be sincere, and kudo's to you for turning your life around. Talking to your parents again, gaining insight into your whole life, not just the part that involved her. Taking charge of your future, realizing your dreams- you are not the same person you were when you were, as you said, a lazy bastard.

It takes a great amount of soul searching to turn a life around, and you are doing that. You have taken responsibility for your share of the relationship breaking up, and on the other hand, you feel remorseful for your behaviour.

To me it is only natural that you would want to let her know that you are sorry for how you were, and that perhaps it was the breakup itself that has turned your life around and made you realize what you want out of it.

How you handle this is up to you, but I think you are a big enough man that at some point in the future, maybe when you actually start the courses in January, that if you decide to try again, even a coffee date, I hope you do.

Wow Jake you really think so? Sometimes I feel it seems selfish of me but I asked her to go and then canceled after. How can I ask her again? She'll think Im trying to play games and I am not thinking straight. Have you had a past experience? I live in Toronto too

Chronic,the advice people give here is,to the best of my knowledge,based on personal experience,i.e. what has worked for us in situations similar to the one you're in now. For me NC worked wonders,it saw me back on my feet again only two months after a breakup. You must decide what you're going to do. Nobody else can make that decision for you.

I would give it some time for now, and leave things be, because it was cancelled.

When I read your post, I was impressed. Too many splits see people get involved with the same type of situations, over and over again, because the people themselves don't change, or recognize their shortcomings. So much of the time history keeps repeating itself because efforts are not made to see faults, and change negatives into positives.

People in relationships that are over, need closure in different ways. For some, it is no contact completely, block the person from your life, until, I presume you are strong enough to face them without falling apart, even accidentally.

For others, personal insight and self-understanding, realizes the damage that has been caused by one's own actions. It is important to apologize and extend the olive branch, in order to fully heal. Only then is it over, and your conscience will allow you to move on.

I suspect that you are the latter in this category. On her end, absence may indeed be healing her heart, but, I think it would be a very cathartic experience for her to know that you have turned the corner in your life, that there are no lingering resentments, and you are both going to be okay. To me, in my opinion, that is part of the healing when one or both parties in a split, take responsibility for what they contributed to the end.

Neither of you are anonymous to each other, like the fellow who dented your fender in the parking lot at the local grocery store. You exchange insurance information, the dent is fixed, end of story.

But a relationship is different. There will be lifelong memories, and always 'what if's', and if I read you right, your wanting to fully resolve any leftover issues, is a sign of maturiy, responsibility, and put simply, is the right thing to do.

No contact may prevent any 'new' pain, and allow you to heal in a more comfortable place, but eventually you have to resolve your actions, and how they contributed to the failure of the relationship.

In your case, you have done that, and I really see no harm in displaying that kind of confidence to her, spending a few hours, buying her the boots as a symbolic gesture, leaving on pleasant terms, and both of you going your separate ways.

I seldom disagree with Jake, and even though I do now, her words have merit.

I just don't think your at that emotional point, nor ready to deal with this break up, on a level that allows you to think without guilt, or confusion over this situation.

Mistakes were made sure, but until you get beyond them, and can see the bigger picture clearly, no action is better than any that is based more on feelings, and not facts, and all the facts, are not before you yet.

They will be though.

Hey guys I broke NC and I didn't mean to dishonor your advice. We are going to go shopping tomorrow and she asked me to take her to this one mall we always use to go together. She said to go as friends and I got her the pair of boots already as a token of appreciation. She seems really excited in her txt about shopping. But I do not know what I am getting myself into. Should I make any moves to try and hold her hands or should I just act like friends. One thing for sure is my head is not clear yet... Im sorry I let you guys down.

You don't have to apologize :-) you make your own decisions, however I think you may have acted out of false hope of getting back together.
You're going as friends and I think it's too soon after the breakup to attempt a friendship. The emotional dust hasn't settled yet and you're still hurting from the breakup.

She said to go as friends and I got her the pair of boots already as a token of appreciation. She seems really excited in her text about shopping. But I do not know what I am getting myself into. Should I make any moves to try and hold her hands or should I just act like friends.


She said go as friends and any attempt you make at anything more, her boots might get to walking. Then where will you be? Better do as she says, since that's what your going to do any way.

Good Luck!!

My only comment is that it is unfortunate the time and energy you're spending on this. If you've really learned your lesson(s) and are ready to actually try to be a better boyfriend, I'd think you would want to get started as soon as possible with someone who hasn't already learned who are (or used to be).

The sooner you say "fare thee well" to this young lady and really mean it (you do want what is best for her, right?), then the sooner your next chapter starts and you get to find out what is really new about you and what isn't really changed... yet. For that, you'll need fresh eyes, fresh experiences, etc.

If you care about this girl, care enough to leave her alone and get on with your next chapter.

Everyone here seems like they believe I stand no chance and Im just leading myself to another let down. Is there even the slightest chance I have? I have been so down it seems like time never passes.

Everyone here seems like they believe I stand no chance

To get her back?? That's up to her.

To be happy? That's up to you.


I have been so down...
That has been everyone's point since you started this post. We know your down, and need to get up, and not depend on someone else to do what you should do for yourself. That's to be happy. That's what we all want, and we know so do you. But not if it depends on the good graces of someone else. That's not happiness, that's dependence.



... it seems like time never passes.

Time flies when your having fun!! You just have to learn how to have fun, no matter what life throws at you.

So you see it comes down to what everyone thinks will make you happy. You have your ideas, we have ours. We will see.

I honestly just hope you get what you need to be happy with yourself, the way you want to be.

I wouldn't do the hand holding, nor would I talk about the past, or make what should be a few hours out, into a 12 hour sort of thing.

Keep it simple, no expectations.

However, nothing ventured, nothing gained either.

My hope is that in seeing her, you can put some of your doubts to rest, and gain a better mindset for yourself.

I believe you guys I honestly do. But how do you guys know my best chance if any to get her back is NC. What if she is just testing me to see if I really want to work things out and the only way for me to do it is to show her through dedication and honesty. I know the point of NC is heal myself but I was just wondering...

But how do you guys know my best chance if any to get her back is NC.

You will never hear me say such nonsense. Using NC to get someone back is beyond garbage. Its for you to gain perspective and heal, so you can deal with your situation, and feelings in a better more rationale way.

Reread this whole thing, and you will see that no one gave you any advice to get her back, because we know that up to her, and changing someones mind thru No Contact is a game you don't want to play because that is manipulation.

So lets be clear, all the advice given to you is to help you see the facts, and deal with them accordingly.

Heck we don't even know the girl, but we do know human nature, and partners who want a break, have something else in mind, and getting back together is not one of them. Rarely is that the case.

Most here recognize it's a big red flag when you get dumped, and still blow in the breeze at the whim of an ex, usually has disastrous effects, but we understand how full of false hope you can be, and can only feel your own hurt and pain, and the solution you think is to get back what you lost.

I already know first hand the consequences of decisions made under those circumstances. More misery and pain and a tremendous loss of confidence and self esteem.

That's why I, and others, are here to tell you of our own experiences. Maybe it will help, maybe you won't listen, thats up to you.