ElizabethMonroe
Dec 6, 2009, 08:15 PM
Hello All,
First of all - let me apologize for making this so lengthy. My situation can probably not be summed up in a sentence or two.
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We dated for one year before we married. Six months of that year were somewhat long distance - he moved to a nearby city (several hours away driving) to open a business with his then partner. We spent most weekends together however.
I conceived our son - much to my surprise, on our 1-year anniversary. We have a beautiful little boy who is almost 2 years old now whom we both love dearly.
However, I am very unhappy in marriage for a myriad of reasons and I am now thinking of finding a way out of this marriage in the next year or so because of the following reasons. I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt anyway - I know this is holding me back. Even though I don't really love my husband I still feel guilty about asking for a divorce because I know now how emotionally immature he is and how little control he has over his actions. I also come from a split family (my parents went through a bitter divorce when I was around 8 yrs old and I hate to do this to my son). Although, I am thinking that now vs. later (which I am beginning to feel that later is inevitable) would be less traumatic for my son.
Ok. So here are my reasons for wanting a divorce:
Also, please note that I did not know about any of this before I married my husband. He put on the best act ever I believe to get me to say "I Do". I am realizing now that a year of dating simply is not enough time to really get to know someone!
1. My husband has an anxiety issue (a serious anxiety issue) and everything from flying in a plane, to changing our son's diaper gets him upset! He knows he has an anxiety issue but he refuses to get help. I am beginning to feel I need medication myself just to be around him!
2. He also has ADD (attention deficit disorder). Yes - this is a real condition. Imagine going to dinner with someone who repeatedly just 'stares off into space' as you are speaking, or, hanging out with someone who refuses to make intelligent conversation with you - your spouse inparticular. It's a very lonely feeling. Truly it is.
3. Because of the above I am no longer physically attracted to him. We still have sex once in while, but, it's not so great. Another oddity about this man is that he does not and really has not ever, now that I am thinking of it - made eye contact with me during sex. There is no emotional intimacy involved. I have been in past relationships where sex just keeps getting better but with us - it has severely deteriorated since the beginning. He really also has a rather low sex-drive and this in itself is nothing less than a BIG TURN OFF!
4. He does not take care of himself. He will only brush his teeth before bed if I urge him to do so. He will not work out unless I insist upon it. He will not cook a meal for himself or for me. He does not do his own laundry. He is not capable of coordinating a decent outfit. Some days he does not even shower. He is lazy. Bordering upon being a slob really. He has gained 20 pounds since we have been married. He also has come close to starting to smoke again (smoking with employees, smoking when he drinks). He drinks heavily with friends sometimes although don't get this wrong - he is not an alcoholic, but, he has little to no self-control. Again - a huge turnoff.
5. Yet in spite of all of the above and his 0 contributions to our home - he finds lots of time to complain about what I have still not gotten together in our new house. (we recently bought a second home together - the first is now a rental property).
6. That's the last big thing - his negativity. Being with him is usually a huge downer. I am always wondering when he might raise his voice to me for accidentally doing something wrong (like just last week when we were at a friends house and I sat down next to him on sofa too hard - not realizing that he was drinking a latte they made for him which he barely shook because of my sitting down next to him) - He screamed at me in front of all of our friends and it was really embarrassing and hurtful. He treats me like this - frequently.
Being around him is a huge downer for me. I do not enjoy my time with him - anytime now AT ALL. NOT EVER! He is not a happy person. He is a negative, low-energy person and I can't believe that I married him and now have a child with him without seeing any of this for what it is beforehand. I did it though. So, I can't turn back the clock - but, I can hopefully make my life a bit better.
I am not sure if medication, or, counseling can help us. I don't like the thought of going through a divorce and starting over in this city that I am in because of him with absolutely no family and few friends, but, I know that this is where he will make me stay because of our child.
I also don't like the idea of divorcing period as this was never what I envisioned for myself, but, I am starting to feel like a feaful failure for instead forcing myself to stay in a marriage that makes me feel so - empty.
The good news is - that we have been doing well financially, and, I will at least have a fair amount of $ hopefully to walk away with. Nothing compared to what his family has put aside 'for him' in a trust fund with his name only on it after we married - purposely in the trust fund to keep it from being a marital asset I believe. I would have never even known about this had he not felt the need to 'brag about' to me - this huge amount of money that HE is getting and how it will be just HIS - HIS nest-egg - NOT mine and how it makes HIM feel secure, but, that it should 'make me feel secure too since we are married' - even though it is not 'really mine'. Jeez. I found this rather insulting. Would you??
Even so, I will have some money to start my life over. I gave up my career several years ago to stay at home with our child though. So having not worked in a while either is a scary feeling.
The state that we live in maxes out child support at a certain amt. and alimony is very limited, so, we will certainly not be able to live off that $$.
He owns a business that we both lived off and he will keep it and continue to make a really good living and I will have to put our child in a childcare program and go back to work doing who knows what for probably a mediocre wage since I can't go back to my old career and be a single mom without any family support to speak of for sure as my previous career as a sales manager was far too demanding and stressful.
This scenario seems very unfair, but, I guess it is what it is.
In spite of all of his flaws - right now I guess in some ways I have a comfortable life. I can buy whatever I want. Come and go basically as I please as he is not jealous, or, demanding of my time. I can work-out at the gym almost everyday if I want to. I guess these are the things combined with guilt that are keeping me in this marriage.
I really miss romance and love however, and, I often think about how much I would enjoy dating again because I feel so lonely with my husband.
I am really torn about what to do. I don't feel that I can start a divorce process at least for another year - when our child is a bit older and can at least be put in a quality daycare full-time. Almost all of the child-support he will provide me with will probably go towards that daycare. Texas really sucks.
I am planning to go to marriage counseling and try to talk him into getting on medication for his anxiety/ADD this year, but, I honestly don't think that I can ever feel like I would like to feel about the person that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with - ever again.
Please share your thoughts and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
First of all - let me apologize for making this so lengthy. My situation can probably not be summed up in a sentence or two.
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We dated for one year before we married. Six months of that year were somewhat long distance - he moved to a nearby city (several hours away driving) to open a business with his then partner. We spent most weekends together however.
I conceived our son - much to my surprise, on our 1-year anniversary. We have a beautiful little boy who is almost 2 years old now whom we both love dearly.
However, I am very unhappy in marriage for a myriad of reasons and I am now thinking of finding a way out of this marriage in the next year or so because of the following reasons. I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt anyway - I know this is holding me back. Even though I don't really love my husband I still feel guilty about asking for a divorce because I know now how emotionally immature he is and how little control he has over his actions. I also come from a split family (my parents went through a bitter divorce when I was around 8 yrs old and I hate to do this to my son). Although, I am thinking that now vs. later (which I am beginning to feel that later is inevitable) would be less traumatic for my son.
Ok. So here are my reasons for wanting a divorce:
Also, please note that I did not know about any of this before I married my husband. He put on the best act ever I believe to get me to say "I Do". I am realizing now that a year of dating simply is not enough time to really get to know someone!
1. My husband has an anxiety issue (a serious anxiety issue) and everything from flying in a plane, to changing our son's diaper gets him upset! He knows he has an anxiety issue but he refuses to get help. I am beginning to feel I need medication myself just to be around him!
2. He also has ADD (attention deficit disorder). Yes - this is a real condition. Imagine going to dinner with someone who repeatedly just 'stares off into space' as you are speaking, or, hanging out with someone who refuses to make intelligent conversation with you - your spouse inparticular. It's a very lonely feeling. Truly it is.
3. Because of the above I am no longer physically attracted to him. We still have sex once in while, but, it's not so great. Another oddity about this man is that he does not and really has not ever, now that I am thinking of it - made eye contact with me during sex. There is no emotional intimacy involved. I have been in past relationships where sex just keeps getting better but with us - it has severely deteriorated since the beginning. He really also has a rather low sex-drive and this in itself is nothing less than a BIG TURN OFF!
4. He does not take care of himself. He will only brush his teeth before bed if I urge him to do so. He will not work out unless I insist upon it. He will not cook a meal for himself or for me. He does not do his own laundry. He is not capable of coordinating a decent outfit. Some days he does not even shower. He is lazy. Bordering upon being a slob really. He has gained 20 pounds since we have been married. He also has come close to starting to smoke again (smoking with employees, smoking when he drinks). He drinks heavily with friends sometimes although don't get this wrong - he is not an alcoholic, but, he has little to no self-control. Again - a huge turnoff.
5. Yet in spite of all of the above and his 0 contributions to our home - he finds lots of time to complain about what I have still not gotten together in our new house. (we recently bought a second home together - the first is now a rental property).
6. That's the last big thing - his negativity. Being with him is usually a huge downer. I am always wondering when he might raise his voice to me for accidentally doing something wrong (like just last week when we were at a friends house and I sat down next to him on sofa too hard - not realizing that he was drinking a latte they made for him which he barely shook because of my sitting down next to him) - He screamed at me in front of all of our friends and it was really embarrassing and hurtful. He treats me like this - frequently.
Being around him is a huge downer for me. I do not enjoy my time with him - anytime now AT ALL. NOT EVER! He is not a happy person. He is a negative, low-energy person and I can't believe that I married him and now have a child with him without seeing any of this for what it is beforehand. I did it though. So, I can't turn back the clock - but, I can hopefully make my life a bit better.
I am not sure if medication, or, counseling can help us. I don't like the thought of going through a divorce and starting over in this city that I am in because of him with absolutely no family and few friends, but, I know that this is where he will make me stay because of our child.
I also don't like the idea of divorcing period as this was never what I envisioned for myself, but, I am starting to feel like a feaful failure for instead forcing myself to stay in a marriage that makes me feel so - empty.
The good news is - that we have been doing well financially, and, I will at least have a fair amount of $ hopefully to walk away with. Nothing compared to what his family has put aside 'for him' in a trust fund with his name only on it after we married - purposely in the trust fund to keep it from being a marital asset I believe. I would have never even known about this had he not felt the need to 'brag about' to me - this huge amount of money that HE is getting and how it will be just HIS - HIS nest-egg - NOT mine and how it makes HIM feel secure, but, that it should 'make me feel secure too since we are married' - even though it is not 'really mine'. Jeez. I found this rather insulting. Would you??
Even so, I will have some money to start my life over. I gave up my career several years ago to stay at home with our child though. So having not worked in a while either is a scary feeling.
The state that we live in maxes out child support at a certain amt. and alimony is very limited, so, we will certainly not be able to live off that $$.
He owns a business that we both lived off and he will keep it and continue to make a really good living and I will have to put our child in a childcare program and go back to work doing who knows what for probably a mediocre wage since I can't go back to my old career and be a single mom without any family support to speak of for sure as my previous career as a sales manager was far too demanding and stressful.
This scenario seems very unfair, but, I guess it is what it is.
In spite of all of his flaws - right now I guess in some ways I have a comfortable life. I can buy whatever I want. Come and go basically as I please as he is not jealous, or, demanding of my time. I can work-out at the gym almost everyday if I want to. I guess these are the things combined with guilt that are keeping me in this marriage.
I really miss romance and love however, and, I often think about how much I would enjoy dating again because I feel so lonely with my husband.
I am really torn about what to do. I don't feel that I can start a divorce process at least for another year - when our child is a bit older and can at least be put in a quality daycare full-time. Almost all of the child-support he will provide me with will probably go towards that daycare. Texas really sucks.
I am planning to go to marriage counseling and try to talk him into getting on medication for his anxiety/ADD this year, but, I honestly don't think that I can ever feel like I would like to feel about the person that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with - ever again.
Please share your thoughts and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!